Thank You, Congressional Pages (For Being So Damn Sexy) !!

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MoJo Journal 2006: Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5
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3
Welcome to my MoJo Journal ........................................................................................ User Error, Gentrification and How I Got Jacked in Chicago .......................................
5 27
A Guide to Celebrating Black History Month for Those Who Aren’t Black ................. He Came. He Danced. He Conquered .............................................................................
6 31
Chappelle Stole My Joke! ................................................................................................ Anwar ................................................................................................................................

9 32
Guns don't shoot people. Cheney shoots people ......................................................... Thank You, Congressional Pages ..................................................................................
10 36
The First Black Southern Senator Since Reconstruction? .......................................... Jesus Wants YOU to Use E-ZPass .................................................................................
11 37
Right Wing Radio Had Me Fooled ................................................................................... Ahhh!!! I just wanna rape Kerry Healey Right Now!! ....................................................
13 38
Why is Colin Powell still talking #$@!??? ..................................................................... Baratunde’s Day After Election Thoughts .....................................................................
14 40
What Would You Say to the Driver Behind You? ........................................................... I Conjured “Mr. Bag” .......................................................................................................
16 41
I called McCain on his B.S. SIX YEARS AGO! ............................................................... The Year in Racism ..........................................................................................................
17 42
Why I want to stab MySpace with a rusty knife in the ear canal ................................. Spread the word! ..............................................................................................................
18 45
"Listen to me. They come home from war, and they kill themselves!" ....................... and visit wherever “baratundes” are found online .......................................................
20 45
Baratunde’s NY Times Bestselling Book(cover)s .........................................................

21
Welcome to my MoJo
Journal
Welcome to the second volume of MoJo Journal (formerly
known as MoJo Quarterly back when I was insane)!
This is a Best of 2006 collection featuring the best Momentary

Jokes (MoJos), essays and, new this year, photos, by come-
dian and author Baratunde Thurston. It’s generally in chrono-
logical order, so you can re-live the best and worst moments of
2006, laughing at both.
This book is free to download, print, pick up off the street and
pass along to friends. You are encouraged to leave copies on
the subway, at coffee houses, barber shops and secret presi-
dential exploratory committee meetings.
We believe in Creative Commons and have selected photos

from flickr.com to accompany the text. These photos are
clearly marked. Otherwise, assume Baratunde took the picture.
To stay current on his writing and performance schedule, visit

Baratunde on the interweb
Baratunde at the Apple Store with his cool hat and glasses.
Visit baratunde.com and everywhere else “baratundes” are
found online including MySpace, Facebook and YouTube.
Also, links in the online version of this book are clickable.
You can join Baratunde’s mailing list, read his blog, find his live
performance schedule, listen to his podcast and even buy crap
like t-shirts and stickers and weak-ass North Korean nukes.
5
1. Read The Autobiography of Mal-

A Guide to Celebrating colm X
Black History Month Better yet, watch the movie. That book is really long. The basic
story involves a young man who goes through many life chal-
lenges, finds himself and gets killed as his message begins to
for Those Who Aren’t really spread. Key takeaway: you cannot make a difference!
Black 2. Invite me over for dinner

Whenever it's not Black History Month, I get sad. It's not be-
cause I miss the television specials or the Coca Cola commer-
3rd Edition cials featuring Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (Although, if there's
one thing he stood for, it was for our right to consume high
fructose corn syrup). Free at last!
A lot of people don't really know what to do when Black History
Month rolls around, especially if they are not black. For me, the No, I get sad because February is the one month when my
options are clear: be proud of my race. As I've learned in over white friends invite me over for dinner. It's their way of making
a quarter century of life in modern America, the best way to up for the 400 years of free labor and institutionalized racism. I
feel good about oneself is to put others down. So I'll be spend- don't even mind being the token dinner guest. The only real
ing the shortest month of the year downplaying the achieve- problem is that after Black History Month, I'm still hungry! So,
ments of all non-black Americans. It'll be fun. invite me over for dinner.
But that leaves open the question: What do you do during

black history month if you're not black? Fortunately, I have a
3. Get a black friend
solution for you people as well. (And when I say "you people," I I'm a busy man. I can't be the black friend for all of non-Black
mean it in "that" way). Here is my Guide to Celebrating Black America. So it would behoove you to get your own. If you find
History Month for Those Who Aren't Black yourself in this unfortunate position, locate a large group of
black people in a poorly lit urban alley. They should be wearing
There are 10 things you can do to show that you value the con- the same colors (it's a sign of unity). Run up to the group and
tributions of African Americans to this great country of ours. scream, "I FEEL YOU DAWG!" They will welcome you with
Ready? open arms..
community, such as what type of candy is best after it’s

4. Once you have a black friend, shaken. (Here's a hint: Laffy Taffy).
appreciate him!
As a black person, I can honestly say I don't feel all that appre- 6. If you own a retail store, put pic-
ciated in America sometimes. You could go a long way toward
healing the racial divide if you simply said something like, "Le- tures of black people on the wall
roi, George Washington Carve invented the peanut!" It helps if Anyone who's seen Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing knows that
your friend's name is Leroi; just a tip. if there's one thing which will activate the dormant riot gene in
an African Ameri- can (ask Dick Gregory about that),
it's the absence of their peers on
5. Watch the walls of a neighborhood retail
BET establishment, especially a pizza
I know it's not shop. And if that pizza shop is
owned by a black owned by those I-talians, well,
person any more, fuggetaboutit.
but this Viacom ca-
ble channel still 7. Don't be racist
stands for Black En- This one can be a struggle for
tertainment Televi- many, and it's understandable.
sion. For your Feb- Racism is everywhere. It comes
ruary purposes, the naturally. But it's considered to
"E" in BET also be "offensive" if you are racist
stands for education, toward black people during
because you will Black History Month. If nothing
learn much about else, it shows a lack of disci-
black people while pline. If you're serious about
watching it. Primarily, hating black people, prove it by
you will learn that delaying that hate for four short
black people are a weeks. Think of it as a vacation
very musical people. from racism, or "vacacism." On
Through the magical March 1, you'll return to peak
City
storytelling power of
4th and Lenox in New York racist form, charged up and
song, you will learn of No Swine on My Mind at 13 ready to marginalize.
the great challenges
facing the black
7
8. Know the key people

Sure, there have been lots of unsung heroes in the history of
Africans in America, but they're unsung for a reason: there are
only a few that count -- the sung ones. These include Dr. Mar-
tin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Malcom X, Harriet Tubman,
Sojourner Truth, Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, W.E.B.
DuBois, Booker T. Washington, Frederick Douglass, Langston
Hughes and maybe OJ SImpson. When in doubt, see if there's
ever been a feature-length film about the person or if Chevrolet
has ever used their image during a February commercial. If the
answer to both of these questions is no, move on.
That's it.
I know I told you there would be 10

things to do in this guide, but, quite
frankly, there's just not that much to cele-
brate. And look at it this way: with this
manageable list of eight, you can do two
per week without adversely affecting your
life's delicate schedule. It will be like
Black History Month never even hap-
pened!
8
Oops, pow SURPRISE!

Chappelle Stole My Thanks, Chappelle, for validating my comedy career! The fact
that I can't use that joke again is a small price to pay for your
Joke! flattery.
hear my joke @
A friend just sent me to a Washington Post article explaining http://odeo.com/audio/1130087/view
one of Chappelle's funny new jokes. Thing is, I wrote some-
thing better two years ago!
From the article:
Chappelle has another bit in his routine that shows

flashes of what made "Chappelle's Show" so jaw-
droppingly raw. Commenting on the movie "The Passion
of the Christ," he notes that the actor who portrayed Je-
sus was struck twice by lightning during filming. This
suggests one of two things, he says: a) that God is smit-
ing those who would create graven images of His proph-
ets, or b) "The Jews have a weather machine."
On Feb 27, 2004 I wrote the following MoJo as documented in

my NewsPhlash newsletter that day:
During the filming of Mel Gibson's "Passion" people on

the set were struck by lightning three times. In related
news, Jews own the lightning machine.
And I later revised it longer to the following: Most disinterested interviewer in the world
During the filming of the Passion of the Christ, three peo-

ple on the set were actually struck by lightning! Some
people see this as a sign that God didn't want his son's
story told in that particular way. I see it differently. I see it
as a sign that Jews also control the lightning machine.
2. I got a text message from my boy CNN yesterday, and they

Guns don't shoot purposefully let you think Cheney got shot. Here's what it
said: "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and
people. Cheney shoots injured a man during a hunting trip in" I stopped reading
after "shot," and I was thinking, "Why would you acciden-
tally shoot Cheney?" If Cheney gets shot, that's gonna be
people some premeditated stuff. Trust me. (note to not-so-secret
NSA data gathering probe. yes this was a MILD VP assasi-
nation joke, but only mild and only a joke. Please move on
to another blogger now, thank you).
Here's the easy joke I wrote: "Dick Cheney shot a longtime
Republican friend in the face this weekend. Imagine what he 3. I was browsing online and came across this.
would do to a Democrat." But there's way more interesting stuff
to say. Read on brothas and sistas. Read on!
Predator Facial Armor System Pro-
As if there were any doubt in the world that this is the most
gangsta administration ever, Dick Cheney went and upped the
tects Against IEDs
ante, yall. Dubya has proved himself a rough rider time and
time again. He proudly spies on Americans, tortures prisoners
and says the reason we went to war (WMD) wasn't really that
important after all. That's some gangsta ish.
But Dick Cheney's like, "Great, Dubya, so you violate interna-

tional treaties. La deee da. N-gga I shoot my own friends!!! In
the face!!!"
I swear even Stringer Bell would stay away from these fools.
(that's a reference from the best show ever on television ever
for those who don't know)
The story doesn't end here though. Here are some observa-
tions about VP Slaughter's "accident."
1. They didn't tell the press until the next day that the incident I couldn't help but think that Dick Cheney's hunting buddies
had happened. How you gonna shoot somebody and not might want to order up a batch of these too.
tell until the next day? That's some gangsta ish.
CUT TO:
The First Black South- Middle-aged white woman.
ern Senator Since Re- "I suppose terrorists have rights too."
construction? CUT TO:
Older white man.
The Democrats actually have a chance of taking both the "Harold Ford wants the government to tax me twice!"
House and Senate this year. In the Senate, it's really close,
and it comes down to a set of unlikely states like Mizoorah, And then, there's the money shot.
Virginah and Tennesah. Latte-sippin liberals probably think of it
as Tennessee, but real Americans know it's pronounced Ten- CUT TO:
nessah.
Blonde-haired, blue-eyed white woman with no visible sign of
Down there we've got an interesting situation. On the one hand clothing.
is brother Harold Ford, Jr. If elected, he would become the first
black senator from the south since Reconstruction. On the "I met Harold at the Playboy party. Call me Harold!"
other side we've got some racist white dude. Now, campaigns
What the?!?!?! This ad ran in Tennessah!
get ugly, and campaign commercials get even uglier, but the
anti-Ford ad shocked even me.
The thing is, after the ad, major national Democrats com-
plained and demanded an apology, but I have a problem with
It's set up like a standard political testimonial ad. They grab
all these reactions because they involve words. I want to take
some random person on the street and have them dis the can-
the fight to the enemy. I propose my own response commercial
didate. Here's how it goes for those who haven't seen the
with the same testimonial setup.
commercial:
The target: House Speaker Dennis Hastert
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
Thirty something white man dressed in fatigues with war paint
on.
Middle aged white woman.
"Ford's right. I do have too many guns."
"Dennis Hastert doesn't believe in a woman's right to an abor- Momentary Jokes

tion even in cases of rape. My sister had to go to a backdoor
clinic, and she never came back." A Massachusetts first grader was sus-
CUT TO: pended from school for allegedly sexually
harassing a female classmate. The little
Young white dude. boy grabbed the girl's waistband in an
apparent attempt to get her Laffy Taffy.
"Dennis Hastert didn't ask any tough questions about the war
in Iraq. My cousin went over there and got killed."
Protests have extended throughout the
CUT TO: Muslim world in response to cartoons of
Muhammad depicted in a Danish news-
Older white man. paper. First, they say we can't flush their
holy books down the toilet. Now, we can't
"Dennis Hastert doesn't believe in stem cell research. How can
even insult their prophet. The next thing
you not believe in science? It was my brother's only hope. Now
he's got nothing left." you know, we won't even be allowed to
exploit their natural resources!
CUT TO:
US Congressmen have accused Internet
Blonde-haired, blue-eyed 14 year old white boy with NO VISI-
companies of supporting China's repres-
BLE SIGN OF CLOTHING.
sive regime by doing business there. The
"I met Dennis Hastert at the Congressional page ice cream so- lawmakers typed up their self-righteous
cial. I.M. me, Denny!" accusations on computers made in Chi-
nese prisons, then walked home in shoes
made of Chinese dissidents.
Impressed by the success of Brokeback

Mountain, Brad Pitt says he wants to
play a gay man in "the edgiest work he's
done." Hollywood writers are scrambling
to finish scripts for "Tom Cruise, the Mu-
sical."
12
I was so impressed. This dude was gonna make sure the caller
Right Wing Radio Had didn't judge all Palestinians for the actions of a few.
He continued. "It
Me Fooled isn't fair to judge
them all. Some
Palestinians are
Today I left Austin, TX on my long journey home to Boston from Christian! And we
South by Southwest. It can't be a simple flight because my life need to pray for
isn't simple. The return requires a stop in San Antonio and then our brothers and
New York and then I rush to a radio interview in Boston. sisters in Christ to
make sure they
Anyway, I was driving South on 1-35 in my rental car (BTW in maintain their
Texas, "Intermediate Sedan" means "GiNormous Ford F-five- strength and don't
billion pickup truck" when you translate it into Chicken Fried succumb to the
English), and I turned on AM radio. pressures of their
culture or evil relig-
I couldn't find any Air America, so I settled on my other diverse ion surrounding
and competitive local radio choices: conservative political talk them."
or conservative religious talk. Thank you, relaxed FCC media
ownership rules! Nice.
I stumbled across a call-in segment where a man was explain- of the

ing how Muslims actually worked on behalf of the devil. The Texas state capitol. Home
se
host, a minister, agreed then took the next caller. This guy be- Dark Lord Sauron. For tho
the tow er of
gan to recall his earlier years when he worked in a gun store in reading this in print,
-red
San Antonio and remembers selling guns to Palestinians. The the capitol is filled with blood
host reigned him in: "Sir, please get to your point. I don't like lighting
when people launch into vague stories like this." I was hopeful.
So the caller got to his point: "I think these Palestinians need a
lot of help. They're consorting with the devil--"
And the host/minister jumps in: "Now wait a minute sir. Please
don't paint them all with a broad brush like that. It isn't fair."
Why is Colin Powell

still talking #$@!???
This is the first news I heard today:
Former Secretary of State Colin L. Powell advised Presi-

dent Bush before the Iraq war to send more troops to the
country, but the administration did not follow his recom-
mendation, Powell said.
Monday morning quarterbacks are universally annoying. Some

“shut up you white bitch” by txd via Flickr. Crea-
guy, who can barely walk up his own stairs without losing his
tive Commons Attribution 2.0
breathe, waddles into the office talkin smack about "If I were in
charge during the game, this woulda been and coulda been,
blah-de-blah-blah.” and analysts came out questioning the intelligence and the
post-war strategy was looking a bit non-strategic, this bastard
Imagine instead you have the actual quarterback from the didn't say a thing.
game rollin by your watercooler: "Man, what a messed up
game that was yesterday. If they put me in, I woulda done this I will never forgive him for that.
and coulda done that and blah-de-blah-blah." That's Colin
As the election of 2004 approached, he defended the presi-
Powell.
dent. He stood up for bullshit over national security and com-
If this unprincipled, cowardly, trash-talking mo-fo doesn't shut mon sense. He deserves nothing. I don't want to hear him utter
up, I'm gonna find a way to go Oops, upside his head. More another word, unless those words are a protracted, weeping,
than any of us, Colin Powell had the ability to at least bring at- groveling, desperate cry for forgiveness.
tention to America's efforts to manipulate ourselves into an un-
I wish this biatch would consider running for public office, just
necessary war. He went in front of the U.N. and sold a bunch
so we can remind him, that he had his chance to be a real
of b.s. about trailers and robotic planes, gutting his own credi-
leader and blew it.
bility in the process.
God, I hate that man.
But what did he do about it? When things were really heating
up, and generals were saying we didn't have enough troops,
Momentary Jokes
A British fathers' rights group has dis-

banded following some extremist mem-
bers' plans to kidnap Tony Blair's son.
The group's founder said he closed shop
because a "lunatic militant fringe" was
hijacking the organization. If only Islam
and the Republican Party would follow
his example.
86 evangelical Christian leaders have de-

cided to fight global warming. However,
Jerry Falwell publicly disagreed with his
Ha. Ha. Health care is so hilarious. colleagues, saying, " Churches should be
reluctant to attach the name of the Gospel
of Christ to contemporary political agen-
das that lack a clear scriptural mandate
and consensus among the faithful." In
other words, he'll never speak publicly
again.
Iran says it won't use oil to retaliate

against the West for attempting to stop
its nuclear program. Instead, they'll use
nukes
Support for slot machine legalization is

growing in Massachusetts... because
there's just too much hope in that state
White people spontaneously “dance” on the
streets of Austin, TX
What Would You Say

to the Driver Behind
You?
A year or two ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing a
genius concept: what if you could put an LED display in your
rear-view window to send messages to the car behind you?
Well, the company known as Perpetual Kid hacked into our

conversation, clearly, and came up with a LED display on a
license plate. the person behind you they don't know the first thing
about safely operating a car!
According to the website:
Here are a few things I'd like to say to drivers behind me:
Scrolling License Plate Flash Frames are an incredible
new accessory for any car! Featuring a lighted, scrolling
• For the tailgater who’s driving a USS Destroyer-class H10
message display built into a license plate frame. Flash Hummer -- the type that runs on a mix of high octane fuel
Frames allow you to express yourself while on the road and Iraqi baby blood -- I say: YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS
or stuck in traffic.
• OSAMA 2008. If we can have Barack Hussein Obama, why
Simply create and enter up to 5 messages (up to 120 not the real thing?
characters in length each) using the included wireless
remote control. Then select from 3 different scroll speeds. • MY KID MADE THE HONOR ROLL... KIDS CRY
The super-bright LEDs ensure that your message is seen • BABY IN TRUNK. I’m just being more specific.
day or night.
• BRING THE TROOPS HOME, BUT ONLY IF THEY BRING
You can announce to everyone on the road that youre a OIL WITH THEM
fan of your sports team, advertise your business or tell
I called McCain on his

B.S. SIX YEARS AGO!
Stephen Colbert did a great thing last week when he called out
John McCain on his change of heart regarding Jerry Falwell
and the "Reigious Right." Much has been made of the fact that
McCain called Falwell an "agent of intolerance" in 2000 but
spoke at Falwell's university recently
However, back in March of 2000, I not only cited McCain's sanne via
world wide flip flop by .su
more agressive dis, but I documented his flip flop even then. 2.0
Flickr. CC Attrib-NoDerivs
(originally posted in NewsPhlash on March 3, 2000)
oner of political warfare. In laymen's terms, he was
McCain "Punks Up" for Bauer punked!
John McCain made waves earlier this week when he re- Way to lead Senator! Is this how you were in Vietnam??
ferred to hate-mongering Christian conservative types as No wonder you were a friggin prisoner!
the "forces of evil" that they are. Wednesday, he was
crushed by those waves as he rescinded his comments This brings me to the larger issue of these military men seem-
and apologized in order to placate Gary Bauer. ingly losing their cajones once they've left the field. I've already
hated on Colin Powell for talking meaningless smack out of
Who the hell is Gary Bauer? Good question, readers. He office that he should have been using in office. John Kerry was
is what we in the parody business refer to as "a nobody." another example -- a war hero that wouldn't even fight for the
You'll probably not recall that he ran for president, threw job of president when people accused him of being a coward
in the towel and endorsed McCain. and when his own Church turned against him.
After McCain's comments about the Religious Wrong, Say what you will about the Texas Air National Guard. At least
Bauer (who loves to play "Pin the head on the Coon") it produces people who stand up for what they believe.
demanded an apology. McCain, the upright Republican
soldier that he really is, followed orders like a good pris-
I want to send a message to a MySpace friend of mine. How

Why I want to stab do I do this?
Here's what I tried.

MySpace with a rusty I went to the "Mail" tab, which showed me my inbox.
knife in the ear canal I looked for an option to "create" or "compose" or "send" a
message. I clearly ask too much of a messaging system. There
was no such option.
To think, I had somewhat gotten over my insane hatred of
MySpace. Well, that is over. Look, I understand that MySpace I clicked on something promising called "Address Book." I
is "cool" and it's "social networking" and yes, it's a relatively though, "this must be where all my happy socially-networked
safe place for kids to have their own, well, space (as argued by MySpace friends are!" I was wrong. According to MySpace, my
respected academic, danah boyd). I get that the design is address book was empty. I have 417 MySpace friends, but my
somewhat intentionally ghetto. But my current frustration goes address book showed zero. Please explain to me how this is
beyond web design snobbery. "cool" or "hip" or "Web 2.0" or "indie." It's neither of those
things. It's pure crapola.
Answer me this simple question: how can a site that's all about
social networking and communication make it impossible to So then I thought, "well, I've sent this person a message re-
send messages to people????? cently. I'll just check my 'sent' folder till I find that, click on the
profile and send a message that way." Wrong. According to the
GOOODAAMMIT I HATE MYSPACE SO MUCH RIGHT rotten placentas at MySpace, "Sent mail is automatically de-
NOW!@#!@#!@# leted after it is 14 days old." Wha??? Why would they do that?
There is no good reason for this. This is not cool. This is dumb,
I cannot find a simple way to compose an email message and don't tell me it's about saving space on their hard drives.
within the system. Sure, I can look at someone's profile and We're talking about simple text-based messages. Meanwhile
"send a message," but how do I find their profile?! especially if the company is hosting, probably millions of hours of audio and
they have a common name, like John. video files.
Oh my god, I can't even explain how asinine the system is, it's I went back to the Home page to look for other possibilities.
gotten me so upset. To all those people who say MySpace is There was a section all about my friends. I chose "Edit
superior to good old email, you can suck my postage stamps! Friends." This took me to a page showing my first 20 of 417
friends. There was no apparent order to the listing (though I've
Let me try again from the beginning. been told they're ordered by their sign-up date with MySpace).
There was no way to sort by name or even search. So I'm
supposed to manually flip through my friend list, 20 at a time, Momentary Jokes

for all 417??? So, the more friends I have, the harder it is to
communicate with them?? President George W. Bush said on Tues-
I swear, all these statistics about how much time people spend day that a deal for a state-owned Dubai
on MySpace is not a positive thing. It's an indictment against company to manage major U.S. ports
the whole structure of the service. I mean, people spend mad should go forward and will not jeopardize
time in line at the DMV. That doesn't mean the DMV is the hot U.S. security, adding "The war in Iraq has
new place to kick it. That means they suck at what they do. already done that."
A middle school student's science project

found that the ice at fast food restaurants
has more bacteria than the restaurants'
toilet water. Dogs across the country re-
sponded, "That's what I been tryin to tell
you man!!"
Meteorologists predict that New England

could be hit by a major hurricane this
season. I'm preparing early. In a few
minutes, I'm heading to Best Buy, and I'm
looting everything.
The immigration debate has gotten very

ugly. On the conservative side, you have
people who want to "outlaw illegal immi-
gration." On the liberal side, everyone is
worried about what will happen to the
children. I'm more worried about the na-
tion's lawns. Until you can find me a self-
mowing lawn, I say, keep illegal immigra-
tion legal.
19
She told of how she was sexually assaulted by a major when

"Listen to me. They she was 19 (a subject I've blogged about before), traumatized
by her experience in Iraq, and forced into nearly 9-month de-
come home from war, lays once she returned. She was officially noted by the military
health staff as having suicidal tendencies. If it weren't for IAVA,
she said, she'd be another statistic.
and they kill them- "I know people who came back from the war and blew their
brains out because they couldn't take it. Listen to me. They
selves!" come home from war, and they kill themselves"
I'm still blogging from the YearlyKos political convention here in

Las Vegas and attended a panel yesterday that consumed me
with sadness and rage. I cried.
There's a group called IAVA (Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of

America) which represents just the people it sounds like. It was
founded when returning vets realized that the America they left
behind had forgotten them, obsessing over Branjelina and not
acting at all like a country at war. Members complained about
the lack of a human face on the troops that we have, regard-
less of how we feel about the war. (P.S. check out my Interview
with a Returning US Marine from last year’s MoJo Quarterly).
IAVA hosted a panel with veterans from Iraq talking about their
experiences over there, but most horribly, their experiences
here in the US once they returned.
www.iava.org
The quote in the title was from a female vet who joined the mili-
tary at age 17. She was describing the heart-breaking, back-
stabbing and outright cruel lack of resources available to vet-
erans once they get back, especially psychological help.
KITTENS FOR BREAKFAST:

Baratunde’s NY Times AND OTHER DELICIOUS RECIPES FROM THE CONSER-
VATIVE KITCHEN
Bestselling With a new chapter on Senator Bill "Kitten-Killer" Frist!
Book(cover)s Excerpts:
"And that's when it occurred to them! Baby seal blubber would

In America's charged political atmosphere, the level of acri- really enhance their Independence Day bunny burgers." -
mony seems to know no bounds. Nowhere is this more clear Chapter 36, "Killed on the 4th of July"
than in the publishing industry, where books from the Right ac-
cuse liberals of everything from having mental disorders to be-
ing extremist, pro-death, godless, slandering traitors. Authors
such as Ramesh Ponnuru and Ann Coulter have lowered the
political discourse with baseless charges and, in the process,
raised their income and speaking fees. Well, it's time the Left
fought back.
Comedian, author and vigilante pundit Baratunde Thurston is

proud to answer these accusations with the release of his
bestselling book covers. These empty volumes are the perfect
response to the disingenuous, unsubstantiated and sometimes
laughable accusations from so-called right wing "pundits." The
fact that many of these people are household names is an in-
sult to those who have worked hard to earn that position,
namely Paris Hilton and TomKat's baby.
Responding to America's short attention span, Baratunde's

publisher has decided to skip straight to the merchandising
phase, foregoing printing of the actual "book."
buy @ goodstorm.com/stores/baratunde
THE 700 CLUB GANGBANGED MY

PUPPY
They've called for the assassination of elected foreign leaders.
They've blamed feminists for 9/11, and homosexuals for Hurri-
cane Katrina. They said Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was
struck down because he failed to adhere to biblical prophecy.
In this never-before-told story, find out where this very special
club gets its strength: the buttholes of virgin puppies. Because
it's not gay if your partner is a dog.
Endorsements:
"Of course! It all makes sense now." - a former member of

Jerry Falwell's Moral Majority Coalition
Don't forget to check out the alternate cover!
22
CONSERVATIVES HAVEN'T DENIED

CREATING AIDS:
Bill Frist's Secret Plan to Spread the Disease with his
Sweaty Hands: And why I want Rick Santorum to
meet him
Consider the evidence:
1. We have no conclusive proof on the origin of the HIV virus

which causes AIDS.
2. It's well known that conservatives have launched a new

effort to reach out to traditional Democratic voters, which
include homosexuals and African-Americans.
3. Political campaigns generally include handshaking with key

civil rights leaders.
4. In a 2004 interview, Republican Senator Bill Frist, a li-

censed doctor, claimed he "didn't know" if HIV-AIDS could
be transmitted by sweat.
Well, the conclusion is clear. The STD-ridden, kitten-killing,

puppy-banging wing of the conservative movement created
AIDS. If they didn't, then why don't they say so?
Endorsements:
"Baratunde Thurston has uncovered the most frightening se-

cret in America. He should be awarded the Congressional
Medal of Honor, a Purple Heart and 30 years on the lucrative
lecture circuit."
23
Finally, against all odds, we tracked down Ann Cooter's tor-

tured conscience, which managed to sneak away long enough
to give us this inside scoop.
HUSBANDLESS:
Whine, Screech, 9/11, Buy My Book
by Ann Cooter
She's made a lucrative career of blaming liberals for every fail-

ing in society. Now, in her first honest work, Ann Cooter tells all
about her loneliness, her lies and her selfish motives.
Endorsements:
"It made me feel sorry for her. Cooter's story made me want to
give her a hug... after punching her in the Adam's apple, of
course." - a reader
"This broad is a millionaire, lionized on TV and in articles about

her, reveling in her status as a celebrity and stalked by neo-
Nazis. I've never seen someone enjoying other's deaths so
much." - the 9/11 widows
24
Momentary Jokes
A Catholic priest in Chicago was charged

with possession of child pornography. I
can't believe this is still happening. I can't
believe they want to charge this man with
a crime! I want to present him with a
medal… for Most Improved Catholic
Priest.
Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar admitted to

driving through a crowd at UNC Chapel
Hill and declined a public defender saying
"the truth will be my lawyer." As it turns
Abe Lincoln shops at Whole Foods out, the truth will also be his prison rap-
ist.
Today, San Francisco commemorates the

100 year anniversary of the Great Quake
which leveled the city and killed 3,000
people. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson
are pleading with God for a 2006 repeat.
Three US military contractors have con-

fessed to smuggling marijuana into Iraq
using the military postal system. The
news isn't surprising to those familiar
with the military mail's new motto: "nei-
ther lack of body armor nor sexed up in-
telligence nor local law stays these couri-
ers from delivering those fatties."
Momentary Jokes
With a recent spike in oil prices, George

W. Bush says he will keep an eye out for
gas price-gouging, because, he explained,
"I need me a piece of that!"
The UN committee against torture has

demanded that the US provide more in-
formation about its treatment of prisoners
held in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guan-
tanamo Bay. The US responded by mov-
ing the UN headquarters from New York
to Guantanamo Bay.
In the NYC Subway, the city declares its motto
Catholic group Opus Dei has told Sony
Pictures that putting a disclaimer on the
movie "The Da Vinci Code" stressing it is
a work of fiction would be a welcome show
of respect toward the Church. Sony re-
sponded that not molesting children
would be a welcome show of respect to-
ward Jesus.
Veteran rocker Neil Young has recorded a

protest album featuring an anti-Iraq war
track and a song titled "Let's Impeach the
President." The album coincides with the
release of a White House memo titled
"Let's Wiretap Neil Young."
Best wedding cake ever

User Error, Gentrifica-

tion and How I Got
Jacked in Chicago
The Background
I've been in Chicago for one week now and, for the most part,
it's been really positive. The day I arrived, George W. Bush left
town. That's always a good sign. Maybe I should move back to
D.C.? My studies at the Improv Olympic are going great. I fig-
ured out the El and have made a bunch of new friends.
Of course, I've got my share of small complaints. It's hot as

heyall; the six-way intersections have got to go; and, while it's
true that Boston has really bad drivers, Chicago has really storyline: urban (re)development. The slums are getting a
deadly drivers. People here treat red lights like ideas they just makeover, becoming home to high-priced condominiums.
don't happen to believe in.
After the riots of the 60s and 70s, white people left cities. After
The low point, though, was last Friday at 1:30am when I found the crack wave of the 80s, the few remaining bounced too.
my car broken into. As is my custom, I can't just tell you the They fled to the suburbs which became the ex-urbs. Commut-
details of the incident. I need to touch on all surrounding issues ing time grew from 30 minutes to and hour to sometimes two
like urban development, gentrification, class transcendence hours in each direction. Meanwhile the innercities were largely
and common sense. Prepare yourself. underinvested and left to decay. I'm not sure what turned the
tide -- maybe the excessive commute and distance from a city
I have been to a shit-ton of American cities over the course of center became too much or land got more expensive outside
my life, but especially over the past seven years. Boston (obvi- the city -- but in the late 1990s, people started talking about the
ously), New York, San Francisco, Portland, LA, Tacoma, DC, return to the city.
Lansing, Austin, Chicago. Even the cities I haven't seen re-
cently, I've experienced through college friends who landed My own neighborhood in D.C. bears this out. My mom packed
there post-graduation. Almost all of these cities share a major me and the dog up in the summer of 1991 after the beating,
shooting and dealing became too stressful for a single mother
with a teenaged black boy. For a few years later, things in the was maybe 20 percent black, 70 percent Latino and 10 percent
old hood didn't improve, but I've gone back in 2000, 2005 and white. Now it's 10 percent black, 50 percent Latino and 40 per-
just a few months ago, and there are now two nice white peo- cent white. Walking around, it doesn't feel dangerous at all, but
ple from Iowa renting a renovated version of our old basement it just feels a little hood-ish. Anytime your major retail options
for the price of the mortgage payments my mom was making. are no-name groceries that end in "-Mart", check cashing
places, auto body shops and laundromats, you're in something
When money comes back to the city, however, it's not a simple more on the hood side of the neighborhood-hood spectrum.
binary transfer from hood to neighborhood. See the recent
Americablog post about how the tension between old school There are plenty of boarded up homes and abandoned lots
and new school can lead to disastrous and deadly conse- around too.
quences.
At the same time, people are selling condos for $200K and
even $300K+, and you can't pass a block without seeing some
The Chicago Version sign promising a new condo unit "Coming Soon" right across
I forgot all these things when I came to Chicago. I'm staying the street from the check-cashing spot. The trend isn't limited
with a friend who lives in West Bucktown (2600 W, 1700 N for to pseudo-hoods like west Bucktown either. I got to see some
those who know the lingo), on the edge of Humboldt Park. His of the South Side, and it's starting to happen there too.
landlord was telling me that 10 years ago, the neighborhood
So what does this have to do with my car stereo getting
jacked? Well, I let my guard down. I haven't lived in a hood in a
really long time. I left DC in 1995 and left the place with the
shootin in 1989. My friend Glenn said I got soft. I had a remov-
able faceplace on my stereo, but did I remove it? Noooooo. I
was no longer living in a world where I assumed people were
assholes. I assume politicians are assholes, but not my neigh-
bors.
Why didn't other cars get broken into? Because I was the new
car, I had out of state plates, and I had a cheap but nice look-
ing head unit.
What Did They Steal?

Oh, and I had let the car sit in the same spot, un-accessed
from Sunday through Thursday. So here's how it went down.
They broke the rear passenger side fixed window (thanks for
28
breaking the cheapest one guys!) and unlocked the door. Then Basically, I forgot where I was. I can't just be stupid happy guy
a thorough search of the car revealed the following must-have with his cool, political, pink t-shirt and iPod blocking out the
list: world and car not moving and valuable shit exposed to the
world. It was an expensive reminder but also one that I
• must break window to enter car ($40) needed.
• sony head unit ($130) So thank you burglars. Oh, and if you mess with my car again,
I'll firebomb the whole goddamned neighborhood. :)
• portable TomTom GPS 300 ($600). I know, if it's portable,
why did I leave it in the car? to my credit, I hid it in a seat
pocket, but I acknowledge the dumbness of that,
• car chargers for iPod and cell phone ($45)
• roll of quarters ($10). for laundry? tolls?
• $10 bill ($10)
• Tupac CD I hadn't ripped to iTunes yet ($10)
• the cover for my spare tire with a Deval Patrick for Governor
sticker on it ($10). They were trying to take the spare but
gave up
All told, that's $865 worth of stuff I lost, but the only real things
of value are the stereo and the GPS. The stereo I consider ac-
ceptable. The GPS I had disabled by the company that made
it.
They left my EZ-Pass/Fast Lane toll booth billing thingy, laun-

dry detergent and most importantly, THE CAR.
They also broke the cheapest window and did a clean job of
removing the stereo.
29
Momentary Jokes
The US warned Russia to act more like a

democracy. Russia said it would when the
US stopped acting like the USSR.
Millions of AOL users suffered several

hours of email delays this week due to a
"software glitch," according to the com-
pany. He explained, "It seems the NSA
filters got backed up a bit."
Presidential advisor Karl Rove blames the

Iraq war on Bush's low approval ratings.
Now if he could only find the strength to
PM Dawn is still around!?!?! WTF? blame Bush for the Iraq war, we'd be get-
ting somewhere.
The White House said that people who

become US citizens should have command
of the English language. Whatever makes
the president feel better.
A US state is to enlist web users in its

fight against illegal immigration by offer-
ing live surveillance footage of the Mexi-
can border on the internet. Anyone can
then call the border patrol to report illegal
crossings. Version 2.0 of the service will
allow web users to remotely shoot Mexi-
cans for a $50 income tax credit.
“Freedom” Toast is still around?!?!^%$@ wtf?
He Came. He Danced. He Conquered

On Damon Street in Chicago’s Wicker Park neighborhood, I caught this kid. He put his thing down and rolled.
modern technology for directions. He had been driving a cab

Anwar for just one week.
It turns out Anwar doesn't really like driving a cab. I asked him
why, and he answered so quickly and articulately, it was clear
No, I'm not talking he thinks about it ALL THE TIME.
about the Alaskan
nature preserve 1. He doesn't like the passengers
“Pimprov” at Chicago’s Improv Olympic
some people want
2. Passengers are generally very rude and too stressed out
to rip open for a few years of oil. Anwar is an Egyptian man
who drives a taxi cab in Chicago and hates it.
3. Other cab drivers will do anything for money
I've got a history of cab driver bonding. I worked a job in Bos-
Anwar has been in the US for one year. He's hear because, as
ton that kept me at the office late with my cab rides home cov-
he put it, "my wife was obsessed with moving to the United
ered by my clients. I actually got to a point where I could call
States. She insisted that there was more opportunity here. It
the dispatcher, and they'd know my voice: "Hey, Mr. Bara-
was very annoying." They won the green card lottery and
tunde!! Where you going today?" I swear I could have run for
moved to Chicago. In Egypt, Anwar was a doctor and surgeon.
office in Boston or Cambridge and won just with the cab driver
He paid $100 per month to rent a spacious two bedroom, two
vote.
bathroom apartment. In the U.S., he has to pass three medical
exams before he's allowed to be a doctor here. He has passed
This past Friday night in Chicago, I was forced to take a cab
the first two and is studying for the third. In the meantime, he
because the L made some sort of detour which put me as far
drives a cab and pays $800 per month for a studio apartment.
away from home as the station where I boarded the train. I got
off the train and into a cab, asking the driver to take me to a
Oh, and his English was incredible. Considering that one year
major intersection: North Ave and Western Ave.
ago he spoke no English at all, I was extra impressed. His
grammar and pronunciation were great.
"Ok, can you tell me how to get there?" he asked.
He talked to me about the misconceptions Americans have
For my Boston readers, that's like asking for directions to Mass
about the Middle East, especially Islam, and how the media
Ave and Newbury. For D.C. folks, maybe it's 14th & Pennsyl-
just doesn't get it right. He also loved that I do comedy! Given
vania Rd. For those who live elsewhere, you get the idea.
the increasingly crazy political world we're in, he thought com-
The driver did, however, have a TomTom GPS unit -- one that edy was a great means to express certain ideas to the people.
was very similar to the unit that was stolen from my car one
I agree man!
week before. He plugged in the intersection and listened to
Momentary Jokes
McDonald's is rolling out a premium cof-

fee in a bid to compete with Dunkin' Do-
nuts and Starbucks. The new drinks will
be advertised as "McDonald's Coffee: now
with REAL COFFEE"
President Bush selected Fox News anchor

Tony Snow as his new press secretary. He
then renamed the press secretary's office
to "The Ministry of Truth."
Coca Cola is running TV ads in India de-

Like the Iraq War, this ramp has no exit plan nying that its drinks contain pesticides.
Other companies are taking note. Oscar
Myers recently ran an ad saying, "Oscar
Myer hotdogs. There's no AIDS in there!"
Israel poured troops into southern Leba-

non moments before a cease fire was to
take effect. Meanwhile Alcoholics Anony-
mous will begin sponsoring a Booze
Cruise for new members as an initiation
gift.
Saudi Arabia is planning to build a fence

along its border with Iraq. They don't get
it. Iraqi immigrants are simply willing to
do the jobs Saudis won't: that is, blow
Can you spot the problem with these O’Hare themselves up.
airport signs?
33
Momentary Jokes
A 3-year old girl in Minneapolis was hos-

pitalized for drunkenness. Doctors
warned, "she could have easily died." But
I say, look how good Lindsay Lohan
turned out. This kid's gonna be ok!
French doctors have successfully operated

on a man in near-zero gravity. That's
great. We have 44 million uninsured
Americans, and the French want to rub
our noses in their socialized "space medi-
cine."
A 73 year old used car salesman in Texas

ended an argument with a customer by
whacking the man's arm with a machete.
He normally uses the machete to slash
prices, but sometimes the customer isn't
always right.
A 3-year old boy bought a $16,000 Barbie-

Pink Nissan off of eBay this week. Appar-
ently he was trying to get to Minneapolis
and hook up with that drunk girl.
A British fathers' rights group disbanded

following extremist members' plans to
kidnap Tony Blair's son. The founder said
he closed shop because a "lunatic militant
“Sammitches” are available on N. Clark St in Chicago at
the Pick Me Up Cafe fringe" hijacked the organization. If only
Islam and the Republican Party would
follow his example.
Momentary Jokes
After Apple opened its iTunes movie store

with Disney Studios, other studios
wanted to join in. However, Wal-Mart
threatened those studios: "if you sell with
Apple, we won't sell your DVDs anymore."
Yes, Wa-Mart thinks it will lose its cus-
tomers to a digital download service. Do
they know who their customers ARE???
They should be more worried about their
customers gnawing on the DVD packag-
ing in the store
According to the BBC, a UK team has

been given permission to carry out the
world's first full face transplant. And if
ever there was a nation in need of this
procedure, it would be the United King-
dom. Cheers.
Al Qaeda's number 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri

announced plans to release a video mes-
sage about the Pope, Bush and Sudan's
Darfur region. He had planned to release
via Apple's movie download service, but
changed his mind after learning his dis-
tribution deal with Wal-Mart would be
cancelled
Thank You, Congres-

sional Pages
Ok. Let's draw a thick line in the sand. Let's call that line "ap-
propriateness." Now watch me leap across it.
Thank you Congressional Pages for making Rep. Mark Foley

horny. Thank you for saving the instant message logs. You've
done a great service to your country.
Think of how many people have died in the past few years due
to stupid Republican policies. If a few teens had to get textually
assaulted to bring an end to this corrupt madness, I'm all for it.
“ze frank catch...” by spcoon via Flickr. CC Attribution-

Sharealike 2.0. Fox News wants you to think he’s a Dem.
Jesus Wants YOU to Use E-ZPass

The "e" is for evangelical. Don't be left behind
When the Rapture comes, the last thing you want is to get stuck in traffic. actually the last thing you want is to be a non-believer, but
right after that is traffic!
Ahhh!!! I just
wanna rape
Kerry Healey
Right Now!!
I'm sorry. I can't help it. I'm a black man. Kerry
Healey is a white woman running for governor of
Massachusetts.
She has continually implied that her opponent, De-

val Patrick, a black dude, is pro-rape.
I better not see her in my garage, or there's gonna

be a rape-a-thon son!!!! I'm taking pledges now at 1-
888-RAPE-HEALEY. Operators are standing by with
condoms.
Lil’ Creature by welovethedark via Flickr.

CC Attribution 2.0
Momentary Jokes
KFC announced it will abandon trans fats

in its cooking process. Now all they have
to do is get rid of frying and chicken, and
it'll be all good.
Donald Rumsfeld is out. At times like

these, I am reminded that you go to war
with the secretary of defense you have,
not the secretary of defense you might
want or wish to have.
Consumers groups are complaining that

the Nintendo Wii's controller risks child
injury because it makes the players too
active. We wouldn't want that now would
we?
Former Senator Bill Frist has ended his

2008 presidential run. While he gave no
specific reason, rumors abound that he
accidentally kissed an HIV-infected baby
and was afraid his campaign would
spread AIDS across America.
than advertising. It was more than speechifying. It was an ac-

Baratunde’s Day After tual movement. Even opponents of his should be impressed.
Back to the national scene.

Election Thoughts I say my faith has been restored this morning because the
words "opposition party" may now actually mean something.
I am slightly less ashamed at being an American now. When I Five years ago, America overdosed on "patriotism," and while
go abroad, I will drop my poor version of the Canadians' "eh." some of us detoxed quickly and saw the truth of what was
This election has been great for me because it was aBOUT (no happening, the majority was scared into trading liberty for so-
longer aBOOT) sanity and awareness returning to the Ameri- called "security," and it has been a horrible, horrible exchange
can people. rate.
My mother, and many other black mothers, always told me that No-bid contracts for highly inefficient war profiteers, falsification
I had to work twice as hard to get as far as a white person in of intelligence reports, unconstitutional domestic surveillance,
this country. It was an astoundingly simple yet often accurate advocacy for torture, vilification of homosexuals, politicization
lesson. Yesterday's elections show that Rebublicans must fail of stem cell research, denial of global warming, unprecedented
twice as hard in order to fall as far as the Democratic party. levels of corruption, provocation of potential nuclear powers
Iran and N. Korea, blind concession to oil addiction, intimida-
A little bit of my faith has been restored. tion of voters, rigging of elections, closeted gay behaviors
among the most righteous, attacks on immigrants, support for
Deval Patrick. I cannot express my excitement over this man's corporate malfeasance, idiotic and irrational "homeland secu-
campaign. I was involved from the very beginning. In addition rity" measures and a failure to investigate any of these things.
to personal pride in someone I believed in, I still can't believe All this was done in the name of "9/11."
that an outsider, in almost every since of the political word, has
triumphed in this state, known for its boy's club allocation of It has taken a long time, too long for my taste, for this nation to
political capital. awaken, but it's finally morning in America.
It's not just that Deval won (which makes his billboards' block-
ing all light in my apartment for the past 3 - 4 months worth-
while), it's the fact that he triumphed so completely (20+ points)
over an opponent who got about as dirty as you can. It's the
fact that at every step the "pundits" said he would not and
could not succeed. It's the fact that his campaign actually in-
volved more people than any in the state's history. It was more sunrise19.6 by AdmScoo via Flickr. CC Attrib-ShareAlike 2.0
Read Matthew 7! Don't pick motes of everybody else's

I Conjured “Mr. Bag” eyes!
US product liability cour decisions have reagarded every

US citisen as having no horse sense, being thus abso-
lutely incapable of doing business, thus any US admini-
stration is illegal because any US election is void!
WFT???!?! I decided to see the photos of "mrbag_de" to learn

more about this nonsensical person. Here is what I found.
There were 14 more like these. I’m scared.
vaudeponchoinverted twinfarmersfrisianminks
Ziploc “Body” Bag
In May of 2006, I posted the photo above to my Flickr account.

I had seen the ad somewhere and commented on the photo,
“There is no legitimate, psychologically sound, non-criminal
reason to make a Ziploc bag this big. None.”
Several months later, someone under the Flickr username

“mrbag_de” left the following comment:
“my business suit” greyhood.orig

trial, Harvard Law professor Randall Kennedy testified on be-

The Year in Racism half of the defense. Kennedy is the author of Nigger: The
Strange Career of a Troublesome Word. Kennedy explained
Originally published in Boston’s Weekly Dig that the term could have many different complex meanings, not
December 20, 2006 all necessarily racist.
Um, Randall? It’s Howard Beach. N-word, please!

It’s easy to find grand proclamations about the state of race
relations in America. I have heard all of the following. During Black History Month, Damon Wayans tried again to get
his trademark application for the word “nigga” approved so he
First: “Back in the day, you knew when folks didn’t like you. It can sell T-shirts and other merchandise under the brand.
was bad, but at least it was honest.” Thankfully, the US government rejected his application, depriv-
ing Wayans of the chance to sue niggaspace.com for trade-
Then there’s: “It’s all a matter of class, not race, man.” mark infringement. Yes, niggaspace-dot-com. Pleeeease check
out that site from your offices. Then tell me all about the awk-
Finally, my favorite: “George Bush doesn’t care about black ward cubicle conversations it generates.
people.”
Last up in the Nigger department, we’ve
The year 2006 has been an old-school, got KKKramer. Michael Richards did for
authentic wooden roller coaster of a year racism what Dick Cheney did for hunting
when it comes to race in America, and the accidents. Not only did he massively offend
ride has mostly been downhill. black people with a racist rage that recalled
the glory days of George Wallace and Bull
Since discussions of race often make people uncomfort- Connor, but he grossly offended the art of standup comedy. I’m
able—OK, they make white people uncomfortable—let’s start still not sure which hurts me more.
with something light.
In affirmative action land, conservative activist Ward Connerly
Niggers. struck again, this time in Michigan. Michiganders passed an
anti-affirmative-action initiative similar to the ones Connerly
This is clearly the word of 2006. (It’s alright. I can say this has backed in California and other states. As much as I’d love
word. Some of my best family members are black.) to buy Connerly a Howard Beach vacation, I prefer his meth-
ods to those of our own college students, who’ve proven em-
In June, Nicholas Minucci of Howard Beach in Queens, NY, barrassingly inept at solving Boston’s problem of an exces-
was convicted of a violent hate crime for beating three black sively large minority population.
men who were hoping to steal a car. Minucci called them “nig-
gers” in the process of sending them to the hospital. During the
At BU, the College Republicans started a $250 “Caucasian back of that Silverado, she made America extend its great
Scholarship,” designed, they said, to trigger a debate about promise to all citizens.
race-based programs. However, the state and national GOP
called the move “misguided,” “offensive” and “inappropriate.” Let’s face it. 2006 was painful. There’s a war on Latino immi-
Do you know how hard it is for the Republican Party to call you grants; the NYPD is still convinced that black people are made
inappropriate? They didn’t even think Mark Foley was inappro- of Kevlar; we lost Hot 97; and even when the Republicans in
priate. Congress lose, they win. Trent “Strom Thurmond for President”
Lott is back. And his new title couldn’t be better: Minority Whip.
By the way, BU Republicans, please update your website. It
says you’re offering internships for the Healey for Governor
campaign starting last spring. First, you don’t even mention if
the job came with a rape kit. Second, such a lackadaisical atti-
tude toward site maintenance could lead some to think you
aren’t really qualified to attend BU. I’d hate for that to happen.
Proving my long-held suspicion that the internet has merely

allowed village idiots to friend each other on MySpace, Tufts
University’s conservative paper, Primary Source, one-upped its
BU brethren with a Christmas carol titled “O Come All Ye Black
Folk.” The song, they said, was published as a critique of af-
firmative action. It presented more played-out stereotypes of
black students—all standards-undermining seven of them at
Tufts—as earning F’s for grades and being born in the ghetto.
Yawn. For a place that I was introduced to as “the most racist
city in America,” you kids don’t represent Boston at all. What
happened to the rock-throwing, anti-busing, American flag-
impaling racism of Boston’s illustrious past?
Of course, there has been some good news for 2006 race rela-
tions. Deval Patrick was elected as our state’s first black gov-
ernor! Barack Obama could be the 21st century’s first assassi-
nated US president! Jay-Z came out of “retirement”! New Mass. Governor Deval
Patrick at his inaugural
While Coretta Scott King passed on, Rosa Parks was up-
party
graded posthumously. Her image is being used in Chevy truck
commercials, which is perfect. When she refused to sit in the
43
Momentary Jokes
Despite the warnings of meteorologists,

absolutely no hurricanes made landfall in
the US this year. Scientists explained
that a late El Nino pattern was responsi-
ble, but the truth is that since the de-
struction of New Orleans, there was sim-
ply a lot less gay sex in 2006.
A man shopping at an Oklahoma Wal-

Mart found cocaine on the shelf. That's
right. Wal-Mart is selling cocaine, which I
think is just really sad for the local drug
dealing business. These big box stores
come in and all they care about is profits.
Sure, it costs a little more from the local
distributor, but you get great customer
service. Is Wal-Mart gonna let you pay for
that gram with a blowjob? I don't think so
Spread the word!

Recommend this book to a friend
http://tinyurl.com/2hdzo6
and visit wherever “baratundes” are found online
www.baratunde.com
baratunde on baratunde on baratunde on

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Baratunde’s MoJo Journal --- www.baratunde.

com --- Page 1

MoJo Journal 2006: Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5

Thank You, Congressional Pages!!!

Some rights reserved. Under the following conditions:

Chappelle Stole My Joke! ................................................................................................ Anwar ................................................................................................................................

Baratunde’s NY Times Bestselling Book(cover)s .........................................................

This is a Best of 2006 collection featuring the best Momentary

We believe in Creative Commons and have selected photos

To stay current on his writing and performance schedule, visit

1. Read The Autobiography of Mal-

Black 2. Invite me over for dinner

But that leaves open the question: What do you do during

community, such as what type of candy is best after it’s

8. Know the key people

I know I told you there would be 10

Oops, pow SURPRISE!

From the article:

Chappelle has another bit in his routine that shows

On Feb 27, 2004 I wrote the following MoJo as documented in

During the filming of Mel Gibson's "Passion" people on

During the filming of the Passion of the Christ, three peo-

2. I got a text message from my boy CNN yesterday, and they

But Dick Cheney's like, "Great, Dubya, so you violate interna-

construction? CUT TO:

Older white man.

"Dennis Hastert doesn't believe in a woman's right to an abor- Momentary Jokes

Impressed by the success of Brokeback

I stumbled across a call-in segment where a man was explain- of the

Why is Colin Powell

Former Secretary of State Colin L. Powell advised Presi-

Monday morning quarterbacks are universally annoying. Some

A British fathers' rights group has dis-

86 evangelical Christian leaders have de-

Iran says it won't use oil to retaliate

Support for slot machine legalization is

What Would You Say

Well, the company known as Perpetual Kid hacked into our

I called McCain on his

I want to send a message to a MySpace friend of mine. How

Here's what I tried.

supposed to manually flip through my friend list, 20 at a time, Momentary Jokes

A middle school student's science project

Meteorologists predict that New England

The immigration debate has gotten very

She told of how she was sexually assaulted by a major when

I'm still blogging from the YearlyKos political convention here in

There's a group called IAVA (Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of

KITTENS FOR BREAKFAST:

"And that's when it occurred to them! Baby seal blubber would

Comedian, author and vigilante pundit Baratunde Thurston is

Responding to America's short attention span, Baratunde's

THE 700 CLUB GANGBANGED MY

"Of course! It all makes sense now." - a former member of

Don't forget to check out the alternate cover!

CONSERVATIVES HAVEN'T DENIED

Consider the evidence:

1. We have no conclusive proof on the origin of the HIV virus

2. It's well known that conservatives have launched a new

3. Political campaigns generally include handshaking with key

4. In a 2004 interview, Republican Senator Bill Frist, a li-

Well, the conclusion is clear. The STD-ridden, kitten-killing,

"Baratunde Thurston has uncovered the most frightening se-