REFUGEES FROM ALBEMARLE

Katry Rain

REFUGEES FROM ALBEMARLE A novel Katry Rain by

Prelude Im alone in my room. Its a room that doesnt belong to me yet has

become mine. Life has made me an unwilling beneficiary of someones charity and I dont know whether to repay such a circumstance with thankful.

gratitude or rage, though the giver is blameless. I hope, in the end, I can be Without wanting to, I find myself thinking about my life. The one I left

behind and the one now about to begin, though Im unsure how to connect them. We were taught at schoolnot your schools but the ones at

Albemarle where I grew upthat life is a poem, or could be, if we chose our phrases carefullyif we attended to the quieter details instead of looking at the glitter of things forever thrust before us. A single episode of to link a series of them together, there was a chance of actually creating a proper life for oneself. A life that fed the soul. That was our creed.

existence, like a well-crafted stanza, could be beautiful, and if one were able

people who strived for that daily. Here, on the outside, my childhood being but a bittersweet memory, Im finding it hard to do. But bear with me maybe I can find the magic again. At fourteen, I have a ways to go yet.

In our mountain community in Montana I stood shoulder to shoulder with

something of my life. Turn tragedy into art, my mother would have said. But first I have to deal with the hard hand fate has dealt me. I have to take care of business. Maybe thats best done by telling the story.

I really do want to carve some shining stanzas, and if its in my power, make

My name is Benjamin Franklin Cross but I want you to call me Ben.

Chapter 1 The tale begins in Santa Fe, where Stef and I ended up at dawn

PART I

after the fiery demise of Albemarle the night before. He had dragged me

out of the flames, and now wed returned to humble ourselves before the

only woman he had ever trusted. There we were, standing on the steps of

a common stucco house, our clothes still reeking of smoke, Stef knocking neighborhood.

lightly on the door so as not to unravel the spectral quietude of the sleeping Some insistent knocking later, the door opened to the robed figure of a

handsome woman around Stef s ageI guessed maybe thirty or so. She was shocked at the sight of us, but when she recognized Stef behind the

soot she flung herself into his arms and cried out, Cowboy! The guy was

no cowboy but an iconoclastic journalist from New Yorkso I should have hours that I thought or felt nothing, nothing at all.

been surprised but was in such a state from the events of the last twenty-four She led us inside and I crashed on the couch for most of the day. It

was only later that night that I found out that her name was Sue and that Stef had lived with her for an elysian month before he showed up at Albemarle exactly three days before to write a magazine piece on the place.

tequila with lemon, and I slept til noon the next day. Lunch was on the table. Sue said we were to stay there as long as we could stand her, me not having a home anymore and Stef having abandoned his when he took to the road in a tricked-out Hummer and a new Airstream to write about the real America. The Hummer and his portable home were gone now, too.

was clean. Then Sue stuffed me with fajitas and Stef made me down a shot of

Stef tossed me into the shower straight from the sofa and rode herd til I

I faced more with curiosity than any real desire. I say that because my

The first order of business in Santa Fe was to get me into school, a task

education up until that time had resembled an apprenticeship, where we

worked daily with the adults and went to classes as well. I was training as a

mediator, which is to say that I was being taught that human harmony was that on to the younger kids I worked with. I had to jump into the middle

more important than someone winning or losing, and I in turn tried to pass of whatever problems they had and teach them how they might overcome

them, using the same skills I myself was in the process of learning. When I finally did get into a school in Santa Fe, you can imagine how they took to that idea. The boys vice-principal got a righteous chuckle out of it. To add to my discontent, I got into a fight the second week, which

I was pretty much responsible for. I had a fairly low tolerance for people lording it over others, coming from the background that I did, and was

immediately surprised at the general attitude toward Mexicans. Personally I pass you the ball on the basketball courtand was put off seeing them

found them to be kind and cooperativethey were the only ones who would forced to hug the low end of the pole, a mere fraction of an inch above the

few Native Americans and the lone Nigerian exchange student among us. I tried to take it in stride, but when a dense side of beef on the football team got on a proud seoritas case in the hallshed apparently rebuffed his

drunken advances in the park the night beforethe mediator in me stepped between them in all innocence to show them they could be creators of their own outcomesand for my trouble took a hard fist to the gut that doubled me over. The guy could only see me as an interloper or worse, a challenge to his male powerand therefore had to put me in my place. My swift and determined reaction not to be put into that place did him considerable I didnt much care, to tell you the truth, having already lost

damageId done tae kwon do since I was sixand we were both expelled. everything and figuring there was nothing more anyone could take. One

thing didnt sit right with me, though. I was instructed at Albemarle never to use my physical training at anyones expensebut with the beefy jock I felt I was simply introducing him to a little aversive conditioning that

might linger in some recess of his brain and emerge sometime in the future to prevent an episode similar to that days events. Still, it went against the grain.

to this brave new phase of my education. Most of the things that I was

The expulsion was only three days, but I was in no hurry to return

originally taught were undesirable seemed just the opposite here on the

outsideand vice versa! I clearly wasnt going to fit in, and although I was pretty much left alone after everyone saw me land a few good ones to the surprised jocks sternum and kneecaps, I knew the school on the hill would never be the comfortable and supportive place I had been accustomed to in years past. I had no intention of moping my way through high school, though.

I felt honor-bound to live up to the code of ambitious self-reliance Id been taught and to carry on regardless of what others thought. And it painted me, for the first time in my life, as an outsider. But I did manage to gather a few acolytes along the way, and so was able to survive on their generosity of spirit and our shared commitment to stepping to our own tune. Still, I foreign to me because barely a month before, I had been an integral and productive member of an appreciative community. Since violence hadnt proven to be a viable instrument for my couldnt help but lament the lonely role I was cast into. This was a thing

management by my classmates, indifference was now the tool of choice. Oddly, it was the bullying option girls most often useits form is exclusionbut the guys, too, gradually realized the efficacy of ignoring what they probably didnt understand. Thus I and my little band were unconsciously but just as surely steered away from the usual festivities that make high school out here the lengthy and sometimes embarrassing party that it isclique doings, pep rallies, proms, football games, and all the rest.

My strategy, which was to try to work my way innot as a sycophant but as myselfnever really panned out, though in good conscience I couldnt give up trying.

in a cathedral-shaped house made mostly of brown-tinted glass. He was new money, though, both his parents being successful architects who came from modest means, so he didnt move with the ease and confidence of the guys

My best friend at school, Drew Mercer, was a buff rich kid who lived

from old Santa Fe families, yet his sturdy physique did keep the wolves

neatly at bay. And it served him well the day of the fight, when he jumped

in to break it up when he saw a teacher coming and maybe saved me from we shared an interest in music, as he had a passion for the Spanish guitar

a greater transgression. I thanked him when I returned to school, and found and Im a pushover for such stuff. The eccentricities that propelled him from the cheer squad toward our nascent group were little things that drove the other guys nutstapping out a decent rendition of Boleros repetitive tattoo on the cafeteria table with his pencil, writing effusively about Julian Bream in English class, lining his notebook covers with drawings of cubist faces, cubist animals, stuff like that. He never spent time on linenone of our He left one girl in tears during a hot gab-fest after school when she said

group didarguing that social networking sites were essentially anti-social. on line was the only place she could really be herself and he shot back that this was a fairly clear indictment of our cultures place for her as a young womanin an anonymous boxthough I could hear in his voice on the way home that he regretted saying it so vehemently.

outspoken lover of Emily Dickenson and all things dark. She lacked the

Sarah Thomas was another of our disenchanted band, a petite but

nihilism of the typical goth, though, which made her easier to be around,

and she didnt feel like she had to wear the costume, either. She was just a girl next door who happened to be intrigued by the shadows. I remember seeing her for the first time, this short fiery thing standing up to a wire-

haired teacher in the hall whod apparently asked her in class to tone down so shed have a more balanced perspectiveshe hit the guy hard with her assertion that when the world was balanced she would gladly do so, but until then it was her duty to lean hard in certain directions to counteract the tilt. My locker was right there so I got an earful, and one look at his intimidated by the force of her conviction.

face revealed that he had no idea what she meant and was probably a little In any case, I made a point to catch up with her later and introduce

myself. She was skeptical of my intentions at first, and possibly my

character. After all, she had to know about my fight so soon after arriving at schoolthough not necessarily the reasonbut my seriousness and lack of charm I think won her over. And maybe what Id recently been through in my personal life had suffused me with sufficient darkness myself, and she could have been primordially drawn to that.

dried out legally by marrying an Anglo, who then insisted that their

Finally, there was Jack Nuez, whose father was a classic wetback who

childrens names be quintessentially white to temper the stigma. It may not just as I was called Cross and the husky footballer whose mouth I shut detractors.

have helped Jack much in our school, as he was generally known as Nuez, was called Bestonor Beaston by his teammates and Breaston by his I liked Jack because of his plain and direct way of speaking, and

he helped me no end in coming out of my funk. He in turn seemed to be

interested in my background and all those crazy-ass ideas you bring to the

table, and not a damned bit ashamed of it, either. After witnessing my fight, he had sneaked into the principals office anteroom where I sat waiting to be picked up and taken home and said to me, Man, you really kicked itnow its gonna help us turn this dump into someplace we can live. So whaddya saying with a perfectly straight face, Well skin us up a coupla the old mans rabbits and have a cook-out. You like rabbit, dontcha?

if you dont mind, I wanna hear all about that place you came from, and how say I catch ya when you get back? The following week he invited me over,

in the company of souls probably seeming as ephemeral as clouds of mist

Thus did my pain begin to ease by sharing ideas and comradeship

drifting silently across the forlorn school landscape but which were in fact looked when we needed to retrieve spirits lost or askew. Little did I know, and would set me on a path that was at once terrible and beautiful, with gathering storm.

solid as the granite of Mt Sky in the heart of Albemarle, toward which we all though, that my world was going to come crashing down around me again danger at every turn. But for a time I became anchored, protected from the

Chapter 2 Life in Santa Fe gradually settled into a pattern. Studying and trading

quips about life sublime and absurd with my group by day, working with

Stef after schoolhaving been shortlisted for a Pulitzer not long before, he Id hang out with him and Sue at home or on sunset rattlesnake prowl out beginning to remember what it was like to feel again. Whats up?

was able to land the editorship of the local newspaperand in the evenings on some fragrant, rocky trail. A month went by, then two, and I was almost Ben, give me a hand, would you? Sue said one night. Im making guac and I need someone to cut up tomatoes and onions. the New Mexico highlands. I knew she didnt need help with the guacamole that myself but never turned her down.

Sue was mostly Scottish and Irish but had gone native with relish here in

but was trying to take my mind off thingsI was getting reasonably good at and dont let your finger end up in the bowl.

Protein, Sue, Stef interjected; you can never get too much. in the neck with a small flick of tomato.

She held up the avocado masher as if to take a swipe at him but I caught her Ben! she screeched and grabbed a towel before the juice could run down

her neck. My mother would have been horrified, but I couldnt think of stuff like that now. I was only thinking about how easy it was to be with Sue and eggshells for the first few days, for sureconsidering the shape I was in but soon fell into a rhythm where anything was pretty much okay. It was like she trusted me and I her, almost from the beginning, and while it may was only play, and as pure an experience as only play could be. Yeah, sorry about that. Ah couldnt help muhself. Youre incorrigible, you brat, she came back. Hey, Sues got a new word, Stef teased. how she never seemed to misinterpret anything I said or did. She walked on

have seemed to an outsider like I was getting away with absolute murder, it

So what if I have?

Recent crossword? know.

What do you care, cowboy? You dont have a monopoly on big words, ya Stef and I often razzed Sue about the self-improvement kick she

was apparently on since we got here. She had a natural intelligence but was woefully undereducatedfor the timesand seemed to feel self-conscious about it. She neednt have, as both Stef and I were probably of the same mind that she was a smart cookie, and no doubt thats why she took our occasional kidding so good-naturedly.

work cut out for me. And who knows, maybe Ill write something myself someday. Something fine and beautiful thatll put both of yous to shame. Now get back to those tomatoes, would you? And Stef, get out of here before you do get some avocado upside the head. A dollop, Sue? he said with gleeful sarcasm.

Besides, she went on, with two writers in the family, Ive got my

patience! Now out!

You think youre testing my vocabulary but youre only testing my Stef scattered before any culinary attack could be carried out, while I You know, Sue, today at school we had to talk about someone who made Quit kidding, okay? Im not kidding.

plodded on with the kitchen knife.

an impression on us. I talked about you.

may have been a slight blush in her cheek. Then she returned to her work, the silence broken only by the rhythmic sound of the masher.

She stopped mashing a moment and looked at me pensively. There

So whatd you say? she finally asked, as casually as she could manage.

design work yourself and all. How the place suits you, and still it suits us, too. Oh, and I talked about how game I thought you were for learning a

Me? Oh, just stuff. You know, about the house and how you did the interior

lot of new words from the crossword puzzles. See, nothing too personal, if

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youre worried about that.

stand even closer to her, which I did. I really hated it that Stef s father, big famous doctor cheese back in Rochester, had written her off as some little coffee shop waitress and wouldnt have anything to do with her. Or me, for Youre sweet, she said. I used to be.

She looked at me with a genuine softness that made me want to

that matter. God, the guy was blind. Not about me, maybe, but her for sure.

mashing. I had no idea what was going through her mind.

She shifted her weight slightly toward me, but continued her

Sometimes I wonder what you really think of me, Sue, I said.

Finish cutting that stuff, would you? Im just about ready for it.

of unnamed spices and I watched her, looking away just as she turned back to me. It suddenly struck me that I was feeling guilty for being so lucky, if a raging furnace and deposited on the doorstep of a total stranger. Yet this

She turned to a cabinet behind her for the chili powder and her stash

luck is what you call it when youre dragged singed and unconscious out of stranger was someone who not only wanted to take care of me but made me feel darned good while she was at it. It wasnt hard to see why Stef called her a rare bloom. Just watch her, he had said; if you look carefully, youll see a new petal unfolding nearly every day. I had wanted to talk about that in class today but didnt quite know how. Maybe someday I would tell the whole story.

beans, some salsa and the finished guac on themand we each fashioned our own according to taste. Stef and Sue filled theirs sparingly and rolled them neat and tight, while I loaded mine up and had a hard time keeping primitive feeling, eating with greedy fingers while the succulent innards of your mouth. Im such a kid!

Later we heated our tortillas on a hotplate, glopped a layer of refried

the insides from oozing out with every bite. I dont know whyI liked that squeezed out of the cracks and dropped onto the plate or stuck to the corners So, Ben, whats the topic for today? Stef asked.

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oversized napkins.

I wiped my lips as politely as I could on one of the colorful

out the beat at school and nobody knows what hes doing.

I was thinking about Bolero today. You know, how Drew always taps Every night we had a discussion around the dinner table, something we

did at Albemarle all the timeit comes from the Greeksand Stef and Sue were game for it here.

but how everything out here is a kind of electronic rock drumbeat and all. Ah, the beat. The ubiquitous beat, Stef said.

So I got this flash, I went on, about how much a beat plays in our lives,

care and delicacy than youd think shed be capable of by looking at her. Bens saying is something else.

People like rhythm, Sue said, holding and eating her burrito with more Everybodys into rhythmexcept maybe in East Asiabut I think what It just seems to me, I continued, that the drumbeats taken on a life of its

own. I read that rock was born out of rebellion, and now its like the Muzak theres that thump-thump-thump. At the mall, the football games, the gym, the car driving by; Jack says its all over TV miss it much.

of the nation. Ive noticed it a lot since Ive been hereeverywhere you go,

Not that you guysll let me watch it anymore, Sue piped in; not that I So tell us what youre getting at, Stef said.

freedom from conformity has been turned into the mainstream sugarcoated theme song. plate. I took a restrained bite of my burrito but still lost a good bit to my

Im not really sure. Im just saying that what started as a symbol of, like,

become more like the oppressive beat of the slave drum. Whats that supposed to mean? Sue asked.

Well, Stef opined, its been said that the liberating drumbeat of rock has

belowdecks and had to time their strokes to the beat of a drum. Some people

You know, those ancient ships where the slaves worked the oars

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think that music today has the same kind of hypnotic effect, urging people to keep slaving away. The lull effect. Stef chuckled. Where do you guys come up with this stuff? Just commenting on the times, my dear. Trying to make sense of it all.

into such topics, though I could see over time that she was gradually getting her in the beginning sit entranced before it for hours.

She seemed to take turns being surprised and amused at our evening forays

into them and maybe even glad to be weaned from TV, where I had watched So anyway, I went on, I guess all Im saying is that for the first time in We will we will rock you

my life, Im surrounded by this constant beat, urging me on, my team on

like, everybody at school is plugging in their earphones after classits breast. The aural teat, she calls it. Teat, Sue, teat, not tit.

And all the while Im thinking, hey, you cant get away from it. And its

the first thing they reach for when the last bell rings. Sarah said its like the Sue pricked up her ears and Stef jumped in. I know! Jeez, dont think Im such a prude. You both see me walk around

half-naked in the morning, so dont act like I get all bent out of shape over a word. You still dont know when Im kidding, do you? he laughed. How can I when youre always kidding? Answer me that. You got me there. All right, she said with mock vindication. She gave him a swat.

And you look good, by the way, he added, half-naked in the morning. Like you havent seen that before. Tell Ben how we were walking around Inside the house, Ben, inside the house.

naked for a month when you first came here.

What about the Indian blanket, she reminded him.

Oh, yeah. We did bask in the moonlight out back sometimes. You were

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especially beautiful then, Sue. Was she reddening? Anyway, Ben, as you were saying What was I saying? See what youve done to him, Sue?

night, always with good food, seemed manna to my wounded soul which was only now beginning to heal. Then inevitably, Stef would gravitate to

These evenings, which lasted through dinner and sometimes into the

his PC to work on his manuscript, which he said he would call Three Days

at Albemarle, Sue would sit near him on the sofa and pick up her crossword puzzle or some folk craft she was determined to master, I would stretch out beside them on the Navajo rug, and we would pass the remaining time in silent camaraderie.

asked me earlier what I really thought of you. Stef looked over.

So, Ben, Sue finally said, lifting her eyes from her newspaper; you

necessarily ask a woman.

Youll learn soon enough, kid, that thats not a question a man should Quiet, you; this is between me and Ben. And its no big deal, she said,

looking at me thoughtfully now. I was just going to say that you dont seem like youre only fourteen, is all. That, and Im really glad youre here.

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Chapter 3 So what do you guys wanna do? Jack Nuez asked as we lounged Lets go to the mall, Sarah said wryly.

around the living room one night after chowing down a pizza Sue had made us. That drew a titter all around, as the mall was second only to twitter-type Lets go to the canyon, Drew said. Weve still got some daylight. The canyon he had in mind was a twenty-minute bike ride, and was

sites as a place we were least likely to be.

usually deserted during the week. We arrived at the end of the dead-end road and hid our ten-speeds behind a massive boulder, locking all four of them together with a heavy chain. Soon we were tramping along a narrow trail as the light began to melt into purple-pink and the rocks and crags took on an ponderosa pine was sweet and heavy in the air. In time we came to a small mesa, climbed to the top and settled in to take in the view. We could have been prehistorics surveying the imagined boundaries of our realm. breeze. otherworldly glow. Aspen leaves shivered in the breeze and the fragrance of

Yeah, this is what I like, Drew said. You can almost hear a guitar on the Jack looked askance at him.

broke in.

Damn, that boys got him a one-track mind.

The remark went unanswered and we sat in silence for a time. Finally, Sarah

When I die, you can dump my ashes right here.

youll still have time to arrange something.

When you die, I said, statistically our ashes will already be here. But And well be waiting, Drew added, fructifying the ground for you.

the magical mood the place created.

Lets not be gruesome, guys, Jack objected, maybe not wanting to tarnish The word is morbid, Sarah said. And whats wrong with talking about The Ganges, Jack replied. Yeah, Ive been thinking about the Ganges a

ashes and stuff? Think about the Ganges, for gods sake.

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lot lately.

Shut your face, Nuez, she said.

My wish is your command, he replied gallantly.

it hit with a sharp crack and careened into a patch of bright red Indian into the underbrush. satisfaction.

I picked up a stone and chucked it into the canyon below, where

paintbrushes on the other side. A startled grouse burst out and disappeared That rock was exactly what I was aiming for, I joked with feigned Yeah, right, Drew piped in. It seems to me you were trying for the far Drew, with his unabashed pride in physique, always seemed to be

bank and came up short.

judging the world in those terms, at least when he wasnt wrapping his mind around some 12-string concerto. I dont know why, but I got the feeling dormant brute within him. Wed always let urges like that lie fallow at sometimes that hed like to take me on, see how Id match up against the Albemarle, but out here they seemed to be fanned with often predictable

regularity. Ive noticed that at schoolamong teachers and students alike the clarion call for action, in whatever form our intellect, temperament, or musculature would allow. Sparring like this, we would distinguish ourselves from the crowd; we would become somebody. This was an entirely new world to me. One I wasnt too thrilled with.

had my eye on that hunk of granite from the beginning.

No, thats where youre wrong, I replied to his probably innocent barb. I That wasnt granite, Shakespeare, Jack tossed in. Here its all sandstone. Okay, it might notve been granite, but I can tell you for sure that it wasnt

sandstone; not with a sound like that. a competition, isnt it.

Sarah drifted out of an apparent reverie to offer: With you guys its always Yeah, like girls never catfight, Jack snorted.

supposed to do more of? Talk?

Anyway, Drew added, we were just talking. Isnt that what were

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I gave up catfighting a long time ago. Wasnt worth my time. edge of his earlier remark.

I just hear the testosterone behind the talk is all Im saying. And besides, Poor quality cats, most probably, said Drew, perhaps trying to dull the Jack was having none of it.

Still, nothing stirs up the hormones like a good cat Sarah cut him off with the pretense of indignation. Can it, Jack. And anyway, who gives a flying fish whether it was granite or

sandstone? Lets fix the world first, then argue over the details. For now lets just call it obsidian and leave it at that. I knew obsidian like the back of my hand but nobody argued much

with Sarah. Her tongue was too sharp and I knew her heart to be too soft, if idea for them to gnaw on. You know, change the mood or whatever.

you got right down to it. Instead, I thought Id offer up a morsel or two of an Okay, so what Im thinking is, the stone hits the obsidian and ricochets off

to the far bank. The question is: is that stone still important, even though nobody ever notices it or picks it up again? Drew eyed me with exaggerated wariness.

get out?

Do I hear a philosophical question pecking from inside the shell, trying to Thats Ben, Sarah said; ya gotta expect that.

Not only do we expect it, Jack said, we demand it. forest?

So, Ben, Sarah continued, isnt this a little like the tree falling in the Who hears it, right? Drew said.

something that had been on my mind lately.

I was hoping for a point we could rally around, as well as express

and no one saw? Which is pretty much the case. For all he knew, there wasnt a sound, even though there was a heck of a racket later.

Look at Van Gogh, I went on. What if he painted a lifetime of pictures

A blood-red sun dropped below the horizon and a cool wind picked up.

Look at Ravel, Drew muscled in; the first performance of Bolero had

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them shouting and throwing chairs.

Music rears its ugly head, Jack teased.

came back.

I realize its not as cool as plucking chickens, but what the hey, he Jacks father raised and plucked his own chickens for the family

dinner table, not to mention keeping rabbits for the occasional succulent barbecue. But Jack knew by now that Drew meant no harm. When you just didnt twist it after it went in; that was one of the hallmarks of our friendship. live outside the gates of Albemarle, everythings subject to the knife. We

So what makes the stone so damn important, anyway? Jack asked me.

heave, I heard it hit, I saw it disappear into the Indian paintbrushes, I flushed out a grouse. And you all were part of that. We experienced it together. Isnt that important enough? Yeah, street theater, Drew said tartly.

Well, it was important to me, wasnt it? I saw it, I picked it up, I gave it a

because he just laughed.

I made an earnest attempt at a withering look but apparently failed

that stone again. Its anonymous forever. Does that necessarily take away from the significance of me throwing it? Or you guys being a part of the whole thing? Jack scratched his head.

Okay, okay, I continued, so my point is, lets say nobody ever picks up

You lost me on that one, buddy.

Yeah, the Great Mediator is getting a little weird on us, Drew added. Stick to something somebody can follow. Jack saw his chance for a little payback for the chicken-plucking remark. what you were going on about today in third period, Drew? The fucking faun, wasnt it? Sure, like Afternoon of a Fuckin Faun or something like that. Isnt that

that Drew was ruffled by Jacks tone. He didnt hesitate to defend himself.

In spite of my plan for creating a measure of harmony, I could see

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Not that crap in civics class about learn and earn. said.

Musics about the only thing thats gonna save us, Nuez; one by one. Trs coolanother sleeper wakes up from the American Dream, Sarah No one talked for a while. Actually, I knew that Sarah knew exactly

what I was talking about, having spent hours with me and Stef, talking about Albemarle, about his unfinished manuscript, about the countless other trees falling in the American landscape and few people having the least inkling

of the sound they were making. Yes, Sarah was the philosophe of our group, the seer, not me, although to the others her tragic darkness must have made my frequent forays into the world of ideas cause me to seem like a beacon of light.

head back. And aside from a brief run-in with a senior from our school on a lonely corner trying to shake us down for cash to score some dopewhich puffed chests from Drew and Jack quickly repelled before I had a chance to the time passed.

Night soon covered us like a vast starred tapestry and we decided to

draw upon my mediation skillsit was just another day in Santa Fe. And so

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Chapter 4 Six months into my exile, Jack was at my house after

school, munching on homemade corn chips and salsa and looking uncharacteristically serious. Tell me about this Albemarle, he said; I mean, if you dont mind. Unlike Sarah, who could sometimes be sharp enough to cut you,

Jack was a tentative one. I figured he avoided asking about my earlier life because he knew something of what Id gone through. But Id recently returned from a memorial trip to Montana to the site of my mothers passing with Stef and Sueit was Sues ideaand Jacks curiosity probably just wanted out of its cage. He neednt have worried, though, because I was

willing to talk now. After the first excruciating months, where I was more deaf mute than person in command of his senses, I gradually found that on the verge of disintegration anymore. So yeah, I wanted to talk about Albemarle. Imagine a place, I began, where everything makes sense. He looked surprised. Stop right there; ain no-o such place, he said drolly. talking made me feel better. Never complete, never without anger, but not

where senseless things seemed to happen all the time. I wondered how I it out with a few revealing questions. Sure.

I could understand his reaction, having lived all his life in a world

could describe an incomprehensible opposite to him. Well, maybe just tease Do you lock your bike? I asked suddenly. Do some people avoid you? Huh? Well, maybe. Yes. Plenty. Do you know anybody doing drugs? Have you ever booed visiting sports teams at our school? And proud of it, too!

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He was getting the hang of it now. you could talk to about it? Sure.

Have you ever had something on your mind but felt there was nobody

Do you sometimes worry about your looks? Aw, come on. Do I have to say? Yes. Do you know anybody who cant afford to go the dentist? Anybody who drives around in a car weighing more than a ton? Sure. Do you drink Coke?

Is the Pope a Catholic?

Know anybody killed by a drunk driver?

Three at least, if you count one being maimed. know, tit-wise?

Have you ever talked to a girl because of what she was wearing; you Hasnt every guy? Absolutely.

Would you like to have a Corvette someday? Have you ever heard anyone at school make fun of Aso, that Nigerian Sure. But not usually to his face.

guy?

you really are?

Do you ever feel that your parents dont know you that well; I mean, who Yeah, thatd be right.

and wonder whats the point?

Did you ever feel like youre spending most of your life sitting at a desk Affirmative on that one. Definitely.

were pretty sure it wasnt going to happen? No doubt about it. I took a breath and downed a chip.

Did you ever wonder if there could be a better world for everybody but

21

think about it, arent they all senseless? I mean, not when you just take them for granted, but when you really think about them? He paused a moment before answering.

Okay, then, I finally said. All those things you said yes towhen you

think about em.

Well, some of em are, for sure, but the rest, well, like you said, Id have to Well, heres the deal. If you wouldve asked me those same questions six Jack chewed on this for a bit while he munched down some chips. Sue came Thanks, he said, obviously pleased. Dont thank meBen made it.

months ago, when I was still at Albemarle, the answers would all be no. in with a bowl of guacamole and set it in front of us.

I cant take credit, I said to Jack; she taught me everything I know. hungrily into the guac.

Well, thanks, the both of yas, he said as he plunged an oversized chip Sue left with a sparkle in her eye that was becoming more apparent every So where were we? Jack asked, wiping a green dab from the corner of his I dont know. You tell me.

day. Jeez, she was good to be around. mouth with the back of his hand.

tell me why?

Lets see. Oh, yeah, that its senseless for me to want a Corvette. Care to You figure it out.

God, I hate it when you do that. Im not the brain here, Shakespeare. Youre a heck of a lot smarter than you think, Jack. You keep saying that but I still havent seen a lick of proof. And Im going to keep saying it til you start believing it. He dug into the guacamole.

old mans. Okay, where were we? Okay, the Corvette thing. All right, its a gas-guzzler. Especially the way Id drive it. Foot to the floorboard, right?

Man, this moles good. You sure you made it? Damn near as good as my

22

messing up the environment. make sense to you?

Is there any other way? So theres the greenhouse gas thing. Id be A little pleasure in exchange for the destruction of our planet. Does that But everybody else is doing it, dude. And does that make sense? He started getting a backed-into-a-corner face.

Albemarle?

Not really. So I guess youre saying there werent any Corvettes at Are you kidding? There werent any CARS. He shot me a stunned look. You must bebut youre not, are you. Youre full of surprises, you know

that? I spose I should be getting used to it by now. Okay, so it makes no give you that.

sense to get off on something thats going to help kill us in the long run. Ill Thats only part of it.

there?

Theres more? Christ, I feel like Im back in school now. What else is I craved some guac, too, and didnt hesitate to scoop out my fair share.

you want to get your enjoyment out of a machine? And you were the one of computers

With the natural world as beautiful as it is, I said through a mouthful,

who told me the guys at school are wasting their lives away camped in front Its a cult, what can I tell you?

And cars arent sacred objects in a cult, too?

my simple pleasures, would you? And please tell me thats all there is on the subject. There may be just a tad more. Aw, man!

Damn, Ben, youre going to give me a headache with all this. Allow me

give you a little answer.

Sorry. But you started this conversation with a big question, so I cant just

23

hear it.

Fair enough. Okay, how else is it senseless? Even if I dont want to He smiled when he said this, and I knew he was hungry for just

such stuff, I dont know whywhy him? But the fact that he hung out with me, with Sarah and Drew, that he even liked the occasional go-round with barely clinging to the fringes of society or he was almost completely sane and reasonable. that Corvette? Stef over politics or whatever, said a lot. He was either a miserable outcast,

Okay, I went on, this is the last piece. How would you feel, driving Like Sarah says, trs cool, for sure. Hes no half-breed, hes a proud

Corvette owner, he said in an admans pitch voice. And think of the chicks.

the inside? Telling you how great you are? A hunk of painted steel carting your ass around town is a good foundation for an identity? Is that what youre saying? He thought about it for a moment.

So youd depend on something on the outside to make you feel better on

Is this the kind of stuff they taught you at Albemarle? everything just made sense. Everything had a purpose.

No! Were not actually taught it. We just did things a different way. And And what was this purpose, if you dont mind my asking?

explanation. I guess the purpose was to see the beauty of the world, and the beauty inside usI mean, really see it. Feel it. Express it all the time. And to join those two things togetherthe beauty of the world and the beauty

How can I put it? I replied, trying to put a whole way of life into a simple

inside usinto one thing. Be part of the world and be happy with it. And be happy with ourselves. To be content. To be really content. Are you content, Jack? He hesitated before answering. It was, after all, a deeply personal

question.

No. No, Im not, really.

Well, neither am I. But I was.

24

Chapter 5 Okay, thats all well and good, but you still havent really told me about

Albemarle, Jack said as we continued our conversation over corn chips and guacamole. All you did was kinda sour me on buying a car. Which I dont appreciate, by the way.

it leaves sort of an empty spot, doesnt it. The same goes for all the things we talked about. Like booing the visiting team, he offered.

Sorry about that. The thing is, until youve got something to replace it with,

poke at the opponents? It goes against human nature. At least it seems like it does. So whatre you gonna replace it with?

Yeah. Its like, how are you going to enjoy the game if you cant have a

a list of everything he should do to replace the things that needed to go.

Clearly Jack was panting at the gate, but I couldnt very well make

Wasnt that his responsibility? I thought it might be better to talk about a his own conclusions.

general way of doing things so that he might see some differences and draw Look, I said, let me just describe a typical day at Albemarle. See if it Now youre squawkin, he replied, settling back in his chair in Well, lets see, I began. We get up with the sun. Mom and me lived in an You guys lived in hi-rises? I thought it was tepees or something. Cut it out, would you? Im serious. You know what people think of places like that.

gives you any ideas. anticipation.

apartment on the eighth floor of our building.

like youre thinking, all cold and boxy and stuff. On the outside it was made from concrete that looked like it was melted or something, like that Gaudi church in Spain.

Yeah, I do, unfortunately. So let me go on, okay? And it wasnt a hi-rise

25

Cool.

breakfast there or walk down to the cafeteria window for a box lunch and eat outside on the main square. You walked down from the eighth floor.

On the inside, it was like, nice wood and plush and all that. Wed eat

nice lights and paintings on the walls, sculpture niches, things like that, so it was really good to walk. I dont suppose you walked back up eight floors.

Thats what I said. The stairways in all the buildings were soft carpet and

electric motorsso we usually took those up and the stairs down. He looked reasonably satisfied with that.

No, we had elevatorswe used a system of counterweights instead of

Okay, so youre at the main square or whatever. What was that like? temple on the other

It was all flagstone, with my building and some others on one side, the Oh, the temple now. What was that all about?

finished with his book, so you can probably read about it there. But just

Its a long story; Ill tell you sometime. Better yet, Stef said hes almost

think about it as a meditation place. For soul and body. Then on the west side was the bathhouse, like the hot springs in Japan where people scrub that. up and rinse off, then sit in hot water in these huge pools, all stone and like Men and women together?

up the slope where they were mixed. But at night when we usually went and with all the steam, you couldnt see much. Anyway, then on the east side the lug train. was the path through the woods to the front gate and also the beginning of Lug train? What the hells that?

Separate, fool. But we did have some natural outdoor hot pools a ways

square. Its also got a bunch of benches, fountains, mosaics, wisteria arbors.

Its a tram we ran about a mile up to the north end. So anyway, thats the

I was nothing but surprises, judging by the look on his face.

26

Jefferson.

And over in the corner between the temple and the baths is a statue of Thomas Jefferson? Gotcha covered. A what, now?

Yeah, you know, author of the Declaration of Independence? So, after breakfast I usually went to an ombudsman meeting Ombudsman. Thats what we called a troubleshooter or problem-solver

for people. Remember I told you about that? Mediation? We had six of them and I was training to be one. That explains why you stick your face in everybodys business.

the elementary schools to deal with stuff on a smaller scale. problems.

More or less. Of course, I was just beginning so they had me running up to So it looks like you graduated, coming here, eh? Bigger kids, bigger It was my workI couldnt just stop doing it.

although I could tell by his voice that he wasnt entirely sympathetic. How bout the teachers?

Even if you do risk your hide, he said with some degree of understanding, Even if I do risk my hide. Sometimes somebodys gotta step in.

Yeah, the teachers, I replied, a little more sarcastically than Id intended. Then what? After the meeting? School. We had a couple of hours of the usual stuff, like herehistory,

English, maththen there was an exercise break. Id go to the gym for my tae kwon do practicewe had a master from Koreathen some time on the treadmill. Thats how the lug train runs, by the way. One tram runs up to move the cable. We had this retired engineer from Bechtel, ol Barger, power supply.

and one down on the same cable so its pretty balanced, but you need power who rigged up a system of generators under the exercise floor. Theres your He looked at me skeptically.

Running on a treadmills gonna power a cable car?

27

piece of equipment was harnessedtook the guy four years to work it all outand everybody gave at least three hours a week, sometimes more. Thats a lot of wattage, if you think about it. I guess thats one way to get healthy, he conceded.

Hey, we had three thousand people at Albemarle and two gyms. Every

to class or off to one of the elementary schools for some intervention. They actually let you do that stuff?

Then Id shower off and grab lunch with some friends. Then it was back

Why not? The training was pretty intense, and I guess I had a knack for it. I dont mean to brag, but he said with mock bravado. You know what I mean. And anyway, youd be doing something like that,

too, only you get to choose your trainingyou couldve been an engineer, a coach, communications, landscaping, whatever. Some guys trained in three or four fields by the time they finished high school. What did they pay you? He was going to love this.

We didnt get paid. We didnt use money at Albemarle. No money? What about rent? Food?

How far can a jaw drop without a person actually opening his mouth? All free. But we were producing thingssports shoes, camping equipment,

spring waterthe money to run things came in. We didnt have to focus

on it. All our attention was on the work itself. And the playthat was also important. I guess we thought that money would just get in the way. You know, its like, out here money seems to separate people, while we were looking for ways to bring them together. He looked at me incredulously.

What were you guys? Communists?

Yeah, like that famous communist, our third president. Adams, Jefferson.

Lets see. Washington he said as if beginning to count. Okay, okay, I got your point.

28

wanted to hear more.

He flicked a chip at me as if to show that he was still with me, still

wounded dignity to go on with the story, Id be at the elementary school,

So as I was saying, I continued, pretending to be gathering up my

trying to solve some of their problems, mostly by teaching the kids to solve em themselves. Then it was back to my school for some special project we did a lot of independent work in small groupsand after that wed sit around chilling out or take a climb up to the top of Mt Sky. You guys had a mountain?

thousand feet high. Took about forty minutes to climb. Id take in the view side on the flying fox.

Its this big granite outcropping right in the middle of Albemarle, a coupla

for a while, maybe write in my notebook, then head back down on the west The flying fucking fox, was it? he said, taking a furtive look around to see Its just a steel cable strung from poles running down the mountain, and Not killing yourself in the process, I take it. Im here to tell about it, arent I?

if Sue was within earshot. Care to explain what the bleep that was? you strap yourself onto one of the t-bars and ride it down.

If you say so. So now youre at the bottom of Mt Sky. Whats next? I could see that this narrative unfolded as a kind of adventure to him,

just by the way the many moods and questioning looks passed across his face. It was almost as if he were listening to a bedtime story, with all the

unexpected turns and exaggerated events one wanted so much to believe in. theaterwe built it for our summer playsand thats where I did most of we were setting up, or else the path south to the bug train. word of it, but go on cuz I just might want to hear more. Well, from there at the bottom, I could walk a ways up to the Greek

my writing. Or else take the path north to New Camp, a kind of eco-village He guffawed in true Nuez fashion, which was like, I dont believe a

you guys sure got around. But just what the hells a bug train? This I gotta

The lug train, the bug train, the flying damn fox for a place with no cars,

29

hear.

on a track; you climb up a platform and strap in. It goes downhill to the south end, not too far from the square. Now they got a damn roller coaster!

Its no big deal. Its just this string of these bubble-shaped cars running

Albemarle a lot. On the other hand, if you just want to walk around easy, youd like Albemarle a lot. One size fits all.

Kinda. When you think about it, if you like speed, I guess youd like

meet up with my mom or a couple of friends and eat. Wed have our usual to the hot pools up on the slope.

Thats one way of putting it. So then itd be around dinner time, and Id

discussion, like we do now at Stef and Sues. Then sometimes later wed go And see nothing but steam, according to you.

the galleries or maybe catch some music, then head for the baths. A good So thats your day.

And see nothing but steam, or else wed go to somebodys show at one of

scrub and fifteen minutes in the hot water and youre ready for the sack. Basically. Lots more of the people stuff, which is kinda hard to describe

because its different every day, but yeah, thats basically it. Oh, and did I tell ya? We wore uniforms. Im not kidding. Tell me youre kidding.

evil seed in your brain possessed you to do that?

And by what bizarre stretch of the imagination, what twisted logic, what Well, first of all, they were all different. The ombudsmen wore one thing,

engineers another, teachers another. Designer stuff, too, not your typical

Catholic school chic. And we changed styles every year, or every time we

took up a new job. But I think it was just a way to get people to look at each other more on the inside, not the image they might be trying to project. You know, Gucci, sneakers, cut-offs, Lycra, whatever.

Sounds all right, I guess, but what if you dont especially want people to

30

see you on the inside?

lot more closed myself since I left. Its like, you bare your soul and somebody might be tempted to step on it. But at Albemarle we tried to nurture the soul; not just our own, but everybodys. Sounds like church, he said without the slightest disrespect. The worlds a church, Jack. At least it should be. He seemed to grow more thoughtful and didnt say anything for a

I can see how you might think that, living out here and all. Ive been a

while. Gradually, a troubled look began to cloud his face. I even thought I

saw a hint of mist in his eye, but if it was, he was doing pretty well hiding it. Finally, he broke the silence with a reply that was heartbreaking in its effect on me. Do you see inside me? My soul, Ben? Can you really see it?

strode out of the room.

With that he got up, turning away so I couldnt see his face, and

Later, I heard him say in a cracked voice as he went out the front door.

31

Chapter 6 That I heard night Stef on the phone with his father. I knew it was his

father because it sounded like a pair of cold hands were tightening around soared or how wretchedly he failed, he would never reach the heights nor surgeon, wouldnt let him forget it.

his throat. He was supposed to become a doctor, and no matter how high he scrape the bottom like a doctor could, and his father, Rochesters top bloody This time its different, I heard Stef say. Okay, I wasnt eavesdropping;

the house was on the small sidecozy, Sue liked to sayso there werent any secrets here. Besides, I dont think we had any secrets.

yet. Its on diskIll send you a copy in a week or so. Dont say that; this is something big. The mighty will fall, I guarantee it.

No, this isnt just another article, he argued. Its a book. I cant tell you

which isnt like him. Thats easy enough for me to say, since my own father left when I was sixwho knows how I might lay myself down and beg for any crumbs from his table, were I able to find him.

I didnt like the tone of Stef s voice. He wasnt standing tall enough,

was too old for but wouldnt trade for anything, he seemed subdued, even troubled. Something was in his hand, which he held out to me. What is it? Here, take this, he said, sitting on the edge of my bed.

Later that night when Stef came into my room to say goodnight, a ritual I

community, the spying, the fireeverything. Hide it. Dont leave it in the it.

Its a disk. 'Three Days at Albemarle.' Its got everything on itthe

house, and dont put it in your locker at school. Put it where nobody can find Youre scaring me, Stef. Whats this all about?

His voice was cold and brittle as an old piece of angle iron. anybody asks you about it, you just play dumb. Whats the big deal?

Dont worry, just do as I say. Do it and forget about it for the time being. If

32

Youll find out soon enough.

was nothing secret about Albemarleon open days we sometimes had fifty

What was that all about? He must know something I dont, because there

With that he got up and went to his room.

visitors and we showed them everything, explained everything. So what did we were, Albemarle being like a small town. Besides, there was very little by the way we lived on the inside. Okay, there was some FBI agent there snooping around, but we welcomed the guy like anyone else, so you

he mean by spying? And none of US would be spyingId have known it if in the outside world that interested us, other than how it might be influenced

couldnt very well call him a spy. I had lunch with him once and he didnt ask me a single question. And the fire? A strike of summer lightning is all though it was obviously inadequate. Too many pines, too much resin. for school and rode out to the canyon, concealing the disk, its case it tookwe had a massive sprinkler system set up for just that possibility, I took the disk and put it under my bed. The next morning I left early

now wrapped in a plastic bag, in a small crevice between two chunky

boulders. I didnt think anyone would stick their hand in there, for fear of

rattlesnakesI myself tested it with a long stick first for the same reason.

Then back to civilization and its discontents. I would talk more about it with Stef tonight. Maybe hed give me an explanation or, better yet, just let me read the manuscript.

about it, just to get it off my shoulders a bit, but I didnt dare. The tone

It was pretty hard to concentrate at school. I wanted to tell somebody

of Stef s voice convinced me of that. Sarah was especially persistent

skillful penetrator of human emotions that she wassaying that something was obviously up and I should just spill it. It was tempting, for sure, but I resisted. She even put her hand on mine, something she never does, ignorance, which is the first time I think I havent been straight with and gave me a lookkind of like my heart to yoursand I had to feign her. Drew, on the other hand, his mind lolling in his ever-present inner concertos, didnt notice a thing. I was thankful for that because I was

33

burning up enough fossil fuel just fending off Sarah. Jack, though, usually him off with a happy-go-lucky smile and the promise to share in some of oclock rolled around and I could slip away. I rode directly to the paper,

the least cerebral of our band, was all over me by third period and I fought them dee-licious barbecued rabbits on the weekend. I was glad when three where I worked after school, helping edit news articles and even writing the occasional feature story. But when I got there, they said Stef had already something and needed to go home. This made me uneasy, because Stef gone. Gone where, I asked. They told me he acted like he was worried about never went home early. If anything, hed stay til six or sevenresearching

something or writing an editorial about the national psyche and the difficulty of changing the direction of the American train whose speed and momentum were hurtling it breathlessly down the tracks. Hes definitely not the type to worry about something and go home. I unlocked the heavy cable on my bike and rode off with a bad

feeling in my gut. The only cure for that was a face-to-face with Stef to get some answers, and plenty of em. The sun was shining and the birds were singing but who the hell cared?

to see Sue melted into a liquid-like lump on the living room floor, her for territorypapers everywhere, books, drawers, cabinet contents, his work areamissing.

I arrived home to find the front door open. As I walked in, I was shocked

eyes redand the house looking like the aftermath of a leonine battle knickknacks, and the tower from Stef s desktop that was so prominent in Sue! I cried, dropping to her side; what happened here? The disk, she blubbered. Wheres the disk? What disk? Was she talking about the disk that Stef had given me? I dont know!

could get some intelligence out of her, but even then she seemed more like an autistic child suddenly thrust into the confusing world of awareness.

I tried to lift her into a more human-like position on the floor so I

34

they wanted the disk. The bullies wanted their disk. Wheres Stef? I asked her.

They just came. He said they might. Like a bunch of gangstersand

said he already went home.

Wheres Stef? Where IS Stef? When they left I tried to call him but they He never came home?

Where is he, Ben? Whats going on? Did he tell you anything?

knew was that Stef finished the manuscript about Albemarleno big deal

How could I answer? She probably knew more than I did. The only thing I

thereand then the strange conversation with him about the disk. I didnt complicated than I realized. But why would anyone be interested in the disk?

want to tell Sue about it, especially now that the situation seemed to be more

true. Are you okay? Did they hurt you?

I dont know; he didnt tell me what was going on. That was certainly They pushed me is all. They barged in here like I wasnt here and when

I tried to stop them, one of them shoved me down. In my own house! Our house, Ben! You have no idea who it was? What did they say to you? they left.

No! Three men; they were all wearing suits. They kept asking for the diskthats it. When they couldnt find anything, How could I make sense of it? Things had been going reasonably

well and suddenly the bottom falls out. Just then the phone rang. It must an unfamiliar voice on the other end. My thoughts were jumbled but I answered as best I could. take a message?

be Stef. Now wed get some answers. I picked up the receiver and heard

Yes, it is. Yes, shes here, but she cant come to the phone right now. Can I The message hit me like a stone against glass and suddenly tears burst their

watery bounds. I dropped the phone and shuddered violently. Was I crying?

35

earlier was falling in again?

Tragic creature who had been hauled out of the pit barely half a year Sue bleated at me from her half-human position on the floor. Who was it? Was it Stef? I forced myself to look at her, though it took all my might. It was somebody from the hospital I couldnt say more, didnt have tomy face told all. Sue reeled

backwards into unconsciousness.

36

Chapter 7 The funeral was quiet. Stef was well-known because of his position

at the newspaper, but you couldnt say he was popular. He had ruffled a lot of important feathers, which he seemed to feel was necessary for any kind of civic progress. He was even called unpatriotic at times for questioning the way things were. What people couldnt understand was that he was

more interested in what America could bebecause he believed in its great The service, then, was a subdued affair, with only a few friends and

potential. So I guess to some, it might even have been a fortuitous departure. a handful of various Santa Fe crusaders, artists and Indians, people he had satisfied, so why should they speak for him now?

stood up for. That was as it should be, I guess. Stef never spoke for the selfSue was a mess. I knew she was crazy about himall you had to do

was see them togetherbut apparently he had taken on something more like mythical status to her. That was clear by her outcries during the service, and her reason for existing at all, had been destroyed. I could hardly look at her. mother before him, saw me as I really am, truly, and took care of that like said so many times before he left, his life as an artist, and Im guessing didnt have enough energy left over from staring at his own soul to try to look into mine. Stef, on the other hand, did. He became the ebullient sun I had my own grief to deal with as well. I loved Stef. He, like my how the grim mask on her face seemed to be saying that her entire universe,

it was a mission. Even my own father was preoccupied with his art, as he

around which my once-cold planet revolved, and I luxuriated in its warmth. just for me and my loss but for their own as well. Stef was like a mentor

My gang was there, tooSarah, Jack, and Drewand were grieving not

to them, an almost noble figure in a world where baser desires seemed to

dance in broad daylight with impunity. None of us criedme because I was cried out and them, no doubt, to be strong for mebut grief doesnt need afternoon, and the bleakness of the evening that followed. I wish I could tears to have inflicted its venom. Yet leaning on them helped me survive the

37

have done the same for Sue but she wasnt to be consoled. There were moments where I almost thought she was losing her mind. Stef had been killed in an accident. Nothing untidy, the attending physician

had told me in trying to ward off squeamishness when I went in to identify the body. Little blood, no disfigurement, no mangled limbs. He had been getting out of his car when another car hit him and sped off, Stef

and the door sent flying into the street. Head injury upon impact, loss of winter in the emergency room. A few frantic but short-lived attempts apparently neat and ordinary.

consciousness, comatose in the ambulance, death descending like an eternal at resuscitation, then a final judgment and signing of the certificate. All I looked at Stef s face as he lay there on the stainless steel gurney.

I wanted to think, hes finally at peace, but selfish person that I am, I

thought only of my own loss. An unseemly and puerile phrase was forming in my brain, which I fought but it rose triumphant and nearly spilled out of of me? my mouth right there in front of the morgue staff: Whats going to become I took time off from school but that only gave me more chance to think.

Besides, Sue was drinking heavily and wasnt very pleasant to be around.

It was probably better to get back into the routine. I went to class a couple of days later, and found the distraction somehow reassuring. Apparently it wasnt the end of the world. At least not yet. I hung out with my crowd during lunch and they propped me up

enough to keep me from falling over. Sarah in particular seemed to have reading a lot of Nietzsche and Schopenhauershe was into that kind of

an inside track on death and what it meant, and that helped. She had been stuffand almost had me convinced that there could be something heroic in my predicament, if I were but able to survive it. Nuez, on the other hand, tried to make some stupid jokes, which didnt go over well but I had to give him an A- for trying. Then lunch was over and I was back in class listening to how Alexander Hamiltons national bank helped save the Revolution. Hamilton, the womanizer and unabashed whore for the dollar! With

38

strangely mixed emotions, then, I decided to go to the canyon after school and retrieve the disk. At three oclock I peeled off from my friends and headed for the bike

racks Someone was standing there, looking as if he were killing time. As I got closer, I recognized the face. It was the federal agent whod been checking out Albemarle. John Malik! I heard myself blurt involuntarily. Hello, Ben. Ive been waiting for you. What are you doing here? Ive come to see you.

everyone else. According to the newspapers, the only survivors were me and Stef, Bill, who was a classmate of mine, and his mother. I thought you were dead. He took a step closer and it made me uneasy. something I want.

It was like encountering a ghostI was sure hed perished in the fire like

A little sleight of hand, you might say. But now, I think you have It suddenly dawned on me what he was after. And that he was no longer just

a former acquaintance but in fact an antagonist. I hoped he didnt see the change in my eyes. I dont know what you mean. I think you do.

sure he was just sounding me out. Going against everything I was taught in to lie.

He said it with a practiced tone but it was without conviction. I was pretty

my earlier life, I put on an innocent face and looked him squarely in the eye Really, I dont. I dont even know why youre here. Was it for the funeral? I could see that twittering machine of a brain working hard, trying to

calculate every anglethat was the predilection of investigators, after all. He eyed me suspiciously. God, he was tall!

knowledge of this into some new intelligence for himself, or back me into

Stefan Lang was writing a book, he said, possibly hoping to transform my

39

a corner by insinuating that living with a person necessarily entailed having known that from the beginning. My loyalty to Stef was too strong, as was my belief that the world of Albemarle described on the disk needed to be known to the world at large. If everyone chose the old way, well, so be it. minds might be more far-reaching. No way was I going to hand over the disk.

inside information. Either way, he wasnt going to get anything from me. Id

Let the Jeffersonians among them carry the torch to new generations whose

to get out every week.

I knew he was writing something, I offered blandly. He had editorials Malik sniffed at my innocence like a tiger downwind of a fawn.

And you dont know anything about a book?

the change in the newspaper, so I just assumed he was working overtime to explain it all. The skepticism never left his face, but his interrogation ceased and

Not really. He said he was worried about what people were saying about

he reached into his pocket.

be better for you and Suzie Q if you do.

Heres a card. Get in touch with me if your story changes. I guarantee itll With that threat mockingly laid down, he turned abruptly and left. I

was relievedI still wasnt used to dealing with people where you had to mask your thoughts and intentions. I found I had to do it a lot more than I like it.

wanted at school, too. It required a whole new way of thinking and I didnt It was clear that I had to lay low for a while. Yet one thing was

certainI had to read Stef s book and find out what this was all about. For now it was live with Sue and try to regain the semblance of a normal life. I had to give her credit. She tried her best to get a hold of her emotions, maybe even for my sake, but I watched her come apart piece by jagged piece. First it was the drink, then a loosely-knit parade of boyfriends, men who mostly chain-smoked and played pool, and finally she started

haranguing me about just about everything. If I came home early, I was

40

shirking my newspaper work. If I came home late, I was becoming

irresponsible. If I cooked dinner, I must be demeaning her competence. And she was laying it on heavy on my friends, too, to the point that they stopped coming over. Even the resilient Drew, girded in muscle like a bronzemedal swimmer and supported by endless tunes in his head, couldnt take it I have?

anymore. In any case, I tried to stick it out the best I could. What choice did Time went by, me following blindly along and finally, when I felt

Id held off long enough, I decided it was time to retrieve the disk. I did so across town, reading the story of Albemarle through an outsiders eyes. It

with the utmost stealth, and within the hour I was sitting in an Internet cafe was a beautiful story, almost entirely accurate, and I learned for the first time how valiantly Stef had struggled to save my life, taking me and leaving my me unconsciousthen carrying methrough a cruel and unrelenting mother behind in the burning building as she had commanded him, dragging inferno to safety. When he went back for her, it was too late. Tears rained

down my face as I read the events of that night. Then, as I neared the end of that tragic chapter, a half-stifled cry escaped my throat. Heads turned. The been set intentionally! By John Malik and his perfidious minions! fire hadnt been caused by lightning like the papers had reportedbut had

41

Two years later. Chapter 8

PART II

agonizing droplet at a time. First on my agenda had been to find John Malik, the murderer of my mother and the rest at Albemarlenot to mention possibly Stef as wellbut that was a mission not yet accomplished. Id that day by the bike racksbut he wasnt there. Apparently hes some

The time passed like water dripping from a tired faucet, one

taken a Greyhound to the FBI field office listed on his cardgiven to me special operative who works better without a public place to hang his hat. I got the runaround for two days and finally went back home, my hands bloodless.

school again, this time for roughing up one of the gym class bullieslong live with Sue anymore, my temperament becoming what it had, especially after coming home from school the day I was reinstated and finding her humping some low-life on the bathroom floor, seeing his skinny white

Half-crazy and up for anything, Id quickly gotten thrown out of

live the foibles of the peacemakers! And to make matters worse, I couldnt

buttocks pumping spasmodically up and down and hearing her call out for up in Taos.

the cowboy The next day I was on a bus again and headed for a new life Taos wasnt that far from Santa Fe and the gang could hitch it in a

couple of hours when the weather was good and hop a ski bus up anytime in the winter. Its a stray dog as far as towns go, with a mongrel mix of tourists, drifters, Mexicans, skiers, Indians and artists, so I was reasonably a rsum isnt as important as talking a good talk, and I heard that people didnt ask too many questions. That suited me, as I didnt have a single answer for them.

certain I could slip in with a minimum of drama. Its the kind of place where

start a new life on my own. Luckily I found a job working in an artists

I was underage but perjured myself to get the necessary papers to

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atelier as a cleaner and general factotum. I set up a website with a blog

and put Stef s book on itthe FBI be damnedand there were a number of comments by conspiracy theorists and other birds of equally colorful plumage but in the end, it was just back to business as usual. By now I was prints were apparently too well hidden.

sure that there wouldnt be another official investigation, as the cloven hoof I contacted the various editors I was able to decipher from Stef s

book, and I could hear in their voices that they were at once solicitous and the fire, either, but the wonder, as I saw it, of Albemarle. I was even able to contact someone from the Pulitzer Prize committeeStef had been of a well. Okay, I can understand that. Its just some kid, no name, no highly improbable story to tell. It was just some crazy, really.

distantif you can appreciate what that sounds like. And I wasnt hawking

nominated oncebut he, too, sounded like a voice coming from the bottom connections, living in the hinterlands far from the imperial capitalwith a I sent a battery of e-mails to The Washington Post but that also came

to nothing. No, the nameless cur, having had its day, curled up to die and no one cared to poke a stick at the bones. The best I could do was to convince the editor of Stef s former magazine to write an intro to his Three Days at

Albemarle, uploaded it to the manuscript, and thats where it stands. So Im

damned fed up. Im fuming. Sixteen years old now and still trying to explain the world that I knew but there are no takers. Like Stef said in the book, this country can kill you with violence or it can kill you with indifference. Ive

had ugly broadsides of both. So in spite of the new job, the work Im putting on the Internetthe whole new start, actuallytwo years have passed like some unnoticed landslip inching tediously down a hillside and I feel like Im growing toward manhood carrying a burden of pain sometimes too onerous I yearn to mourn like a dog at the feet of its dead master but I dont to bear, and along with everything else, the weight of an indifferent world. have time. Theres too much work to be done. After all, hadnt the great

Jefferson, towering giant of the Revolution, risked all to free us of our sins? Dont others now have to carry the standardeven, as the old hymn goes,

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such a worm as I?

of America? Who today wanted to dine with Jefferson? The buffet line is

Yet how to bring the fruits of the mountains of Montana to the tables

embarrassingly short. He was, after all, the American Christimpassioned,

sensitive, misunderstood, beset by detractors, hard to emulate because he set the bar so frustratingly high. Its no surprise that weve taken after Hamilton instead, with his facile exhilaration with money and the glittering but less than soul-sustaining world it creates.

are ready to fulfill the promise of our Revolution. Judging by the response

Is America ready for Albemarle? To me thats like asking if people

to Stef s manuscripta pitiful lack of itthe answer is probably no. Even that simple and honest living, free, purposeful, disciplined, stimulating,

so, Ill press on, for my charge is to show the essential truth of Albemarle caring, could once again provide the template for American life, if not for hands around and try to protect.

this generation, at least for generations to come. Thats the flame Ill cup my I know it sounds trite, unsophisticatedbut there it is. Ive lost everything

else; dont ask me to give that up, too.

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Chapter 9 Bob, an unrepentantly British painter of fifty or so, is my boss at

the atelier. He was gifted but as yet moderately unsuccessful, so my pay

wasnt greatbut I got free room and board and he had a legion of eccentric friends who came over to party or just hang out, which kept my mind off more troubling things. He was also okay about letting my steadfast Santa Fe English, he wasnt the least offended by my sometimes incredulous take avid second.

crowd stay over anytime they might drift up, which I appreciated. And being on the culture I found myself in, here on the outside. If anything, he was an So, Ben, he said one day as he was deftly stretching a canvas for another He knew I spent a lot of time writing about life at Albemarle. He wasnt

painting, how goes the website?

much interested in Stef s book download, it being a bit much to chew

almost four hundred pagesso he didnt actually know any details. All in he zeroed in on that idea and has pretty much stuck to it.

all he thinks Im a simple sort, a wide-eyed utopianIm not that at all but The website? I replied as I cleaned a thick magenta from a camels-hair

brush. Not too bad. Im no celebrity, hit-wise, but at least Im keeping the word out there. I read your blog bit about Sammy.

who had perished in the fire, but not before pulling half a dozen people out of their burning rooms. Whatd you think of it? I asked.

Sammy was a strong, beautiful young Downs syndrome guy at Albemarle

go all pear-shaped on me, but lets face it, the so-called retards are at the Hamlet or something.

Well, its a tad strange the kind of people who end up being heroic. Dont

bottom of the pilebut youre saying hes some exalted character, a bloody When Bob started tooling up for verbal communication, his cheeks

reddened like an excited pupil at an English grammar school. It was usually

45

a revelation to see where he would go with it.

here, I can really see how at Albemarle we were fighting against the idea intelligence or money, being good at sports, that kind of thing.

I guess I was trying to show how we look at people is all. Coming out

of putting everybody in boxescategorizing themyou know, based on If youre saying that even the retards, morons or whatever you want to call

them, get a place at the table, I couldnt agree with you more. But the thing extend the invitation?

is, I never even come into contact with that lotso how are we supposed to I picked up another brush to clean.

nobody really sees them. So what role do they have? Always the fool, right? Or the cute little one. Poster children for the Special Olympics. practiced hand. He pulled hard on a flap of canvas and fastened it to the frame with a

Thats what Im saying. If we dont make them part of the stream of life,

something about him in the local rag when you and he first moved to Santa and tight sometime and swill down the whole thing. Nobody else seems to.

I really should read that blokes book. Stefan Lang, right? There was

Fe. But hang it, its how many blasted megabytes long? Maybe Ill get good I think you might find it fascinating. On the other hand, you might not. He stopped working for a moment.

to it yet. Youre describing a new future, isnt that it? People are still trying to squeeze blood out of the old one. When it finally dries up, theyll need somewhere to turn. With that, he finished the canvas and centered it on his easel. He

Give it time, lad. If its anything like your blog, people may warm up

stared at the ivory emptiness.

what Im doing. Yet in a couple weeks, therell be an entire world here. My world. Will anybody like it, or even fathom it? I dont know. But thats not my concern.

Look at this, yeah? he said. Im staring into the abyss. Thats precisely

46

Maybe it should be your concern, I countered. Isnt your job to create something for their benefit? No, see, thats where youre off the mark. My briefand yoursis to

Coming from where I had, that attitude struck me as being odd.

say what needs to be said, and say it from the heart. Thats the important thing. Whether the bastards get it or not isnt the point. In the end, we hope they will. If we expressed ourselves only to be understood, wed be craftsmen, not artists. Theres a difference. Artists give birth to new ideas. And thats who in some way may even change the terms of human existence, and

why we suffer. We bring these ephemeral children into the world, progeny theres every possibility that theyll be shunned or reviled. Every time pen or brush touches a surface, theres danger. Theres mortal danger for the wicked life, the artists life. artists soul, Ben. Yet he has no choice but to do what he does. Its a bloody Did he consider me an artist? I wrote a lot but I wasnt actually a

writer. Id been trained as a mediatorwas that an art? Yet even that

seemed tarnished now by my new willingness to use force when all else

failed. God, I was surrounded by this new world like the sea surrounds the uncomprehending fishes, but what of my soul? Did art have any role in finding it again?

on my face. Just remember that you could have been born a Bantu cripple or some freak show hermaphrodite. Did you ever think about that? You ought to consider yourself damn lucky. Lucky? I replied without hiding my skepticism. He picked up a sketchbook and a pencil.

Dont let it get you down, lad, he said, apparently speaking to the look

before your lot start giving up on you. Youve got a gift, thats fairly clear. Dont let emotion get in the way of using it. Thats what Stef said when he first met me. I have a gift. But thats all I have.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Theres only so much moping you can do

There you are. Dont piss it away brooding about the past.

47

the whole future, lad. workbench to dry.

Dont be stupid. At your age the past is the blink of an eye. Youve got I wiped the remaining thinner from the brushes and put them on the

You want me to step up and be the master of my fate, is that it? I asked.

drops in your lap.

I wouldnt go that far. But you can bloody well be the master of what fate He was probably speaking with some authority. After all, his own

situation was fraught with uncertaintyhe had married a woman from New York and had been seventeen days short of a green card when she divorced him. Apparently he didnt live up to the promise everyone had been

predictinghis art didnt sell well and he thought to move to Taos with her to get away from it all. She tried that on for a while but soon complained that the New Mexico sun wasnt good for her skin. And The Times was

always a day behind! Then the quickie divorce and she was back on East

83rd with two pooches and a platinum card. Now Immigration was trying to send him back to the U.K. and hes spending all his spare change on a bushleague lawyer just to stay in the game. He told me thats been going on for four years. I opened a shipping box with my mat knife and started arranging

tubes of paint by hue on a shelf.

So how do I get people to see what I see? I wondered aloud.

tell you this, Benjamin. The moment you give up trying, youre finished. and join the rest of em out there.

Im the last person you should be asking that, wouldnt you say? But Ill

Mark me well, son. You might just as well hang up your precious bollocks Cadmium yellow. Vermilion. Cerulean blue. Bob was the lucky one.

Imagine if the most important thing in life was color and what you did with it! So you think I might give up?

the danger, thats all. Theres a trap out there waiting for usits called

To be honest, Id be damned surprised if you did. I just want you to see

48

conventionalityand unfortunately, its such a blasted comfortable pair of shoes that once you put them on, they start feeling like old friends. Come on, Bob. Do you think Im a sucker for that?

sorrow by wallowing pig-like in comfort. Comfort is, after all, the

No, thats not the problem. I think youre stronger than to nurse your

dominion of the weak. What Im saying is that some people are DRIVEN into conventionalitykicking and screaming as it wereby the tragedy of life being such a frightening animal that theres only one way to run. I tried to absorb what he was saying.

sure I already knew the answer.

Why is conventionality such a vice to you? I asked, though I was pretty Look, if everyone painted pictures of new worlds, wed all be

conventional. But because they dont, those of us who do lie somewhere opposed to members in good standing. And the bitter joke is that people

beyond the perimeter of convention. Were bona fide outsiders. Misfits as think we chose to be that way! But you and I know thats not so. I know

almost certainly that you were born to the call of the Sirensbecause when you were ejected from your Shangri-la up there in Montana, you carried it with you. You didnt chuck it in and go for the gold ring theyre offering you now. Look at the website youre building. You dont want to join the good Not my image! Jeffersons! He shook his head. ol U.S. of A., you want to strip it down and remake it in your own image!

Jefferson is only the white horse youre riding toward the future that you yourself want to create. I stopped what I was doing and looked at him blankly.

Dont kid yourself. If I understand you correctly, and I reckon I do,

And if youre half the lad I think you are, youll stop parading behind some mythical figure and stand up on your own. And just how was I supposed to drag myself upright again? Yet

Someday when youre older, he went on, youll see what Im saying.

when I looked at Bob, his eyes were piercing through my nascent wall of

49

defense in what almost seemed like a commandment, obedience to which he wouldnt hesitate to enforce. He would stand resolutely at my side to do so. That is, if the bloody Brit werent deported first.

50

Chapter 10 A couple weeks later, the gang came up from Santa Fe. They

hitchhiked, which nobody does much nowadays but you can always get

picked up by Mexicans or Indians, regardless. They rode in the back of an

old truck with sun-bleached paint and had a good time, the way they told it.

The cool fall air had reddened their facesDrew and Jack looked especially healthy and happy as a couple of hayseeds. Sarah, on the other hand, looked like she had just crawled out of a fitful hibernation. We settled in the sunken living room of the adobe guest house on

Bobs propertyI didnt sleep there, actually, but in a small loft above the studio. Thats where wed all sleep tonight, cozy-like. know, being a fugitive and all. So, Shakespeare, Jack said, I hope youre keeping out of trouble. You Id long since told them of my run-in with John Malikwhen I had

felt it was safe to do so. Safe in the sense that he seems to have dropped

me from his radar, even after I posted Stef s book on the Netbecause no one paid any attention?and for my part I began to realize that exacting to mention betray everything I believed in. That realization was hard in coming, but it did finally come. back is what I always say. intrigue. revenge on him would ruin any chance Id have to complete my work, not

Yeah, Drew said, going through the CDs while he talked; watch your He never said that, but maybe he thought it sounded cool. The danger. The Hey, he went on; anybody interested in a little Segovia? Whatever, Sarah replied sourly. Like we have a choice. Spare us, O queen of the night, Drew shot back, an edge to his voice that

Id never heard before. He didnt need an edge, that guy. Being muscular

meant that nobody really bothered him, and beingfor Santa Fe at least create a quiet inner brew that seldom effervesced, even if shaken. Either

an intellectual of sorts, his teachers gave him slack as well. This helped him

51

something was going on inside him, or was stirring between him and Sarah. In either case, no doubt Id find myself stepping into the middle of it soon enough. Why dontcha go pluck a g-string, Drew, she replied.

fenderwell for two hours for this. Put on your Segovia, Drewdamn it

Whoa, horsie! Jack interjected. I didnt ride my hinder on a Chevy

and Sarah, Im gonna cook us up a good barbecue tonight, just the way ya and charcoal corn? the idea.

like it, if Bobll let us. Whaddya say, Ben? Up for some of that juicy rabbit Sarah was mollified a point and a half but unfortunately I had to nix

Maybe tomorrow. What time are you guys going back?

Bobs having a party tonight in the studio so I thought wed hang out there. If were hitching, wed better head out before three, Drew said, his face

mellower now that the sound of a guitar filled his ears. I have no intention of freezing my cojones off on top of some sheep truck.

Assuming youve got any, said Sarah without quite looking at him.

starving.

Anyway, Ben, what times the party? And can I get something to eat? Im People started arriving around eight. Bobs idea of a party was wine

and candles and just let everyone hang around the studio talking. He let

Drew choose the music, which was like offering him the Nobel Prize, and hear. I didnt hear Julian Bream all night.

to give the kid credit, he actually played what he thought people wanted to Sarah was totally animated and flitted from one cowboy-booted painter

to another, gushing about the creative force of life like she knew so much about it, which she might have, for all I know. She didnt touch the wine but her eyes were sparkling like that cowgirl-sculptors rhinestone jacket me. Not because she was enjoying herself so much, but because this was to reveal the back of her neck, I fully expected to find a control panel,

over there in the candlelight. Sarah was in the zone, all right, and it troubled not Sarah. This seemed to be a synthetic Sarah who, if I lifted up her hair

52

complete with an on-off switch and a couple of fully charged li-ion batteries. I cornered Drew by the CD player. Whats up with Sarah? Shes on crystal, man. Are you kidding?

He turned to me with a pained look on his face.

everybodys brothers got meth. In Santa Fe?

Its all over school now. You can hardly find a joint anymore, but

Anytown, U.S.A., kid. You look surprised.

Youre not? And our Sarah? Howd you let that happen?

The question cut him, though it was clear that he was trying to hide it. on me. You bailed, remember? She counted on you a lot.

You know Sarah. Nobody can tell her anything. Anyway, dont put it all I could see that he regretted saying it, even in self-defense.

getting darker and darker, and me and the Nuez just cant get to her anymore. So thats where she slipped off to today? To score?

Look, I didnt mean that, he said. Its nobodys fault. She just kept

Shes a big girl nownothing can stop her.

What could I do? Shame her? Give her a lecture? Cut me a break, Ben. Weve got to amp it up, then. You know what that stuff does.

Good luck. Nothing works on her; you know that. Never has.

great spot up by the creek. Just like our old place in Santa Fe. Well try to work something out. listens to me.

Well, were going to straighten out the rails a little. Tomorrow. I know a

Like I said, good luck. Im all talked out. You saw today how much she Let me have a shot at her. How about Jack?

The Great Mediator. Go for it. Work your magic. Doing his damnedest, but the guys been trying to feed it out of her. You

53

know how he can cook. But meth isnt weed, Benyou lose your friggin appetite. She seemed up for a barbecue.

if she wants something to eat.

That was this morning. She probably hadnt eaten for days. Ask her now Here I was in Taos, burrowed in the world of art and Mexicans and

mountains, focusing all my energy on my own projects while my friends were back home bleeding. Well, there wasnt much I could do now. Let have her suptomorrow the work would begin. Huh? Oh, sure. Whats up? with it, if you wouldnt mind.

Sarah flit from flower to flower, soaking up all the nectar she could. Let her Ben, give us a hand, will you? Bob asked me from left field. I want to show that painting of the Indian girl I did last month. Help me I knew right away which one he was talking about, such was the

impression it had left on me. It was among seven or eight other paintings get it out cleanly. Drew was already going through the CDs for the next the three of us set about retrieving it. Nuez and I stood on either side,

leaning against the back wall and we could probably use a third person to album so I enlisted Jack along my way through the crowded studio, and holding the canvases as Bob pulled them one by one away from the wall.

Out of habit, I always let Bob handle the paintings. He found what he was he seemed to want to refresh his memory a moment, as if to judge anew he was clearly moved.

looking for even in the candlelight, and gingerly lifted it out. Holding it up, whether it was worth showing. This gave Jack a chance to check it out, and Wow, thatslike, so beautiful.

I do know a thing or two about the human heart. This girlwhat is she,

Five years in Taos and I know bugger-all about Indians, Bob said, but

For Jack that was a pretty emotive description, and I was surprised.

twelve, thirteenis one of the few willing to show herself as she is. Have a look at her. Its like shes saying, Who cares? Ive got nothing to hide.

54

and the effect was powerful, even in the dim light. Its amazing how one painting can show suffering, pride, aloofness, innocence, all in a face in

It was a fairly large canvas for a portrait, just head and shoulders,

repose. I liked some of Bobs other paintings, but seeing this one last month had convinced me beyond all doubt that he was an artist. Before that, he was this divorced Brit living a bohemian life and scoring ample chicks who that.

purred admiringly over his work, but now he was something quite more than Look at the feeling in those eyes, Jack said. Having more than a little

Indian blood in his own veins, you might figure hed be drawn to her like brother to sister; it was more like a wandering pilgrim suddenly

image. Family ties and all that. But the way he was looking at her wasnt encountering Aphrodite in Native American form, descended to earth. Bob a little surprised, too. He liked Jack and all, but seemed to take him for a of thing.

seemed to be gratified by this reaction, in spite of himself, and maybe even rustic, albeit an amiable one. Suddenly the Elephant Man had taste, that kind Lets hang it by the track lamp, Bob said, maybe figuring it was better

to break the spell we were under prematurely than risk ruining it by stretching it beyond our attention spans. He carried the painting carefully while Jack and I ran interference so no one would back into it or splash pinot noir in the ladys face. He hung it with aplombone of Sues crossword wordsand in short order heads started to turn. One head not doing so was Sarahs, so inextricably deep was she in conversation with the lady in the rhinestone ever turn that head again. I tried to push the thought from my mind as I formed around it. to me.

jacket, and I began to wonder, knowing what she was up against, if I could returned my gaze to the painting, along with the growing group that had What do you think of her? said the soft voice of someone standing next Shes I began, and as I turned I saw that it was the girl from the

painting. Beautiful, I heard myself parrot Jack involuntarily as I looked

55

long. She was older than Bob saidat least fourteenwhich put her in my league, though her incredible presence took her right out again. I stood there like a foolI was neither artist not mediator nor seemingly

into her eyes. It was suddenly a long moment, though I have no idea how

anything else of redeeming value. I was a sixteen-year-old with a lump in his throat, little more. It wasnt a pleasant feeling. I suddenly felt I had a duty to say something meaningful. I think the artist caught a lot, dont you? I offered lamely. She seemed to blush; I couldnt tell for sure. I dont know. I like it, though. I guess. to look away.

I couldnt stand there forever just looking into her eyes, yet I found it hard My names Ben. I work for Bob.

I know. He told me all about you. My names Melanie.

wanted to ask her what hed said about menot because I was concerned her.

She pronounced it Mee-LAH-nee so I really wasnt sure of the spelling. I

about his opinion so much as what kind of impression it might have left on He painted you up by the creek, I said, finally turning back to the painting; He said Id be myself more there. Were you? I quickly regretted putting her on the spot like that, because it seemed to call

I recognize the look of the place.

for an answer like, yes, thats really me or, if she were unsure of who she was, I dont really know. Her easy reply surprised me. Yes, I was.

reluctantly took my leave. When I came back, she was gone.

Bob came up and asked if Id uncork a few more bottles of wine and I

bed in their sleeping bags, while I could hear Sarah downstairs squeezing the last drop out of the stragglers hanging around the studio. But I didnt

That night Drew and Jack slept on the floor of the loft next to my

56

think of her long as I lay there looking out my window at the waning moonmuch to my surprise I was still thinking about Meelahnee.

57

Chapter 11 Just as I had fallen asleep hearing Sarahs voice, I awoke the same

way. And I smelled coffee. I gave Nuez a kick in the slats through his

sleeping bag and he in turn pummeled Drew in the back. In short order the three of us were dressed and climbing down the steep narrow stairs, the on all of our minds. thought of one of Jacks incomparable huevos rancheros breakfasts surely Sarah was talking animatedly with Bob by the espresso machinehe

had begrudgingly switched from tea at his wifes single-minded instigation and was now apparently hooked. Youve been up all night? I asked him with surprise.

on into the house and get it started.

No, I just got up. How does breakfast for five sound, Jack? You lot go Make that four, Sarah said, her eyes red and still intense. Her hands

cupped a frothy mug but she seemed to be holding it more as an accessory sure wed have to get her out of the house and up to the creek before she her come-down as leverage for a rethink, if it wasnt too late.

than as a drink. How long shed be in this state I had no idea, but I knew for crashed or it was a lost cause. I was actually hoping to use the depression of In any case, wed do it better on full stomachs so we traipsed eagerly

into the main house and Jack got to work, Drew and I being appointed souschefs. Bob always had tortillas and salsa on hand for these occasions, so it was just a matter of whipping everything up on the old country stove hed

bought from a Mexican family whod won twelve grand or something in the lottery and thought theyd go modern. That was their loss, Bob liked to tell people.

the yard, tucking into a tasty feastfried eggs on soft tortillas, smothered

Anyway, in twenty minutes we were sitting around a picnic table in

in salsa. Jack lamented that it wasnt as good without big chunks of lobster on top like he and his father had eaten on a fishing trip once down in Baja, but Bobs imitation crab meat did the trick for us and we shouted him down

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with a laugh. Even Sarah got a yuk out of it, but it was clear that food was the last thing on her mindshe sat there without asking for as much as a see that he was trying to mask his concern as he spoke. Were not getting out much, are we, Sarah. Why do you say that? You seem a bit pale, Luv, thats all. nibble. I noticed even Bob checking her out in the morning sun, and I could

never connected it with meth til Drew brought it up. They say the skin is

Id noticed it beforeher skin seemed a little pasty latelybut

the first thing to go. Id seen medical pictures of meth-heads on the Net and they werent very appetizing. My mom used to tell me not to look at things I wouldnt want to have burned into my memory, yet here I was looking at Sarah and was pretty sure the image of the vibrant girl turned fidgety

apparition would stay with me forever. The only way I saw to expunge that image was to return her to her former glory. Big ask for a kid just trying to hold his own. Id have to dig deep and hope I wouldnt hit hardpan on my first shovelful.

about her pallor. That was a lie. Sarah rarely studied. She didnt need to. She seemed to be able to absorb so much of the world through her pores that schoolbooks were just so many clumsy obstacles to her education. Bob

Ive been studying a lot, thats why, she replied to Bobs comment

apparently didnt want to call her on ithe could see that something was food.

wrong but clearly didnt know whatso he turned his attention back to the Bloody good tucker, Jack. You should open a restaurant someday.

and oozing salsa.

Maybe I will, came the reply from a smiling mouth chock full of food After breakfast I found Sarah in the studio where she had gone back to look How about a walk? I asked nonchalantly. What do you mean?

again at the painting of the Indian girl.

Oh, youre smooth. But I know what youre up to.

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Dont play dumb, Ben. I know you, remember? Then you know why Im concerned. She looked at the painting. And youre? wanted to or not. flower.

Thats how I wanna be. Hurt but innocent. So damned innocent. I was never innocent, thats for sure. I always knew too much. Whether I You were never a delicate flower, if thats what you mean. But you WERE a I suddenly realized she might take my stupid past tense as a criticism

of her present state instead of my real meaningyet she smiled at me, for the first time this weekend, and I took that as a good sign. Dont try to reform me, okay? she said. Im good at that, arent I. Good at what? me start.

Lets just take a walk. You can turn me off anytime you want.

Turning people off. Ive never had to do that with you, though. Dont make Will you walk?

today. You talk to me, Ill talk to you. Lets just keep it at that. graciously helping out.

Of course. But just with you. I dont want the wonder boys tagging along

We went back out to the yard. Drew and Jack were cleaning up the table, Bob Were going for a walk, I said. I saw immediate relief on Drews face

that I hadnt asked him to come along. Jack was still in tortilla heaven so

I suppose it didnt much matter to him. He may not even have known my

intentions. Bob did, I think, because he stopped what he was doing and gave me a look something like, maybe youre the one who can, you know, help her out. Then it was back to work. I dont know if Sarah even noticed it. But of course she did. Our Sarah sees all, knows all.

and from there we picked our way along the rocks and tree-root steps that

It was a quick fifteen-minute walk up an easy slope to the creek trail,

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bordered the creek itself. The sound of bubbling water worked hard to ease

my mind but hadnt really succeeded. In no time we were at the place I had you could drape your legs over it comfortably. We sat down side by side, Sarah leaning against me. I remember this place, she said. The waters lower now.

in minda private spot with a large rock that curved smoothly enough that

Yeah, we came up here once. It reminds me of our place in Santa Fe. Its always higher in spring. But the flowers are nice all summer. She bumped her shoulder against mine. Like me, eh? Or the me you see slipping away.

she faced? Did she actually think she could ride an unbridled horse without I read that even six-year-olds on Ritalin felt they could take on the world. But it need not fearits not the human spirit stepping up; its the

Her casualness chilled me. Could she be so cavalier about the danger

falling off and getting hurt? Or maybe that was just the bravado of the drug. Maybe thats why speed kills. The world has no intention of being taken on. empty chatter of a synthetic chemical goading us into flapping toothless jaws. ARE you slipping away, Sarah?

I thought shed have a ready answer, but instead she seemed to think about it. Was I ever really here? she finally said. You were always here for me. I was taken aback.

you just singing me a song? Little birdie on a rock? Dont talk down to me.

Sounds like a song title. Do you know what youre talking about, or are

Whos talking down? I think its a legitimate question, dont you? This is the reason Drew didnt want to come. You couldnt argue

with Sarah, even if you were right. She had a way of being right, too, and I dont think any of usincluding Jack, who I suspected she trusted most of

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all because she believed him to be guilelesshad ever changed her mind about anything. And yet I had to change it about this. Pretty much, yeah. I guess anything I say is going to be useless. Do you want me to just shut up? I asked. Is there any hope of that? Its up to you.

about you. Youre like a terrier. Once you get a grip on something, you wont let go. Right now I feel youve got a hold of my ankle. But to tell you the truthand I hate to say itits a good feeling. I doubt it. Good enough to influence you in any way? So you wont listen?

I dont believe that. You couldnt if you tried. But thats what I like

I never said I wouldnt listen.

a single shaft and stuck its semisweet base in my mouth, farmer-style. I listened to the water gurgle over the shiny rocks in the creekbed below. Maybe she was right. I couldnt shut up. Okay then, let me ask just one favor.

I reached over to a clump of buffalo grass next to out perch, picked

felt the gradually warming breeze against my cheek as we sat quietly and

Name it, she said with reddened eyes and half a smile.

I hit her forearm with the back of my hand so she knew I was serious. Promise me that youll come to me if you need anything. handed it back to me. She playfully pulled the grass out of my mouth, tied it in a quick knot and Done, she said.

She walks on hot coals without a whimper! The bravery of the girl! Later that day, Drew took me aside as Bob was giving Jack a jiffy

lesson in late 20th-century art and Sarah was crashed out in the loft. How did it go today?

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With Sarah?

No, the King of Stromboli.

It didnt. It fizzled like that sparkler Jack pissed on last Fourth of July. Damn, Ben. Whatre we gonna do? Whos giving up? I dont know. Just dont give up on her, thats all. Then keep showing her that. I have no idea.

Thats a given. But whatre we gonna do? And like a hapless fish dangling dumbfounded from a hook, I really didnt.

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Chapter 12 A week or so went by, the gang long gone, and I was giving a lot

more thought to Meelahnee. A little too much, I have to admit. The only familiarity. I asked Bob how I could get in touch with her. nodding toward the painting still on the wall.

way out seemed to be to disassemble the growing fantasy through a bout of Why bother, lad, when you can see her every day? he asked lightly, Thats the problem. Shes staring at me every time I walk by. He seemed amused by this. I dont know whyI wasnt. Shall we take her down and put her back where she was?

Bob sympathizedthough not too muchand said hed call her mother and he couldnt just give me her phone numberyou know, so I could kind of proper channels. Id only known one Indian personally, an older woman at the stables with the horses, and never seemed like the sort of person

Its too late for that, I said before taking time to consider what I meant.

arrange for Meelahnee to drop over the following weekend. I asked him why ease into itand he replied that she was INDIAN and one had to go through named Verity Ann who lived at Albemarle. She spent most of her time up going through channels was important to. But she was only half Indian, so there you go. Plus Meelahnee was a minorlike mewhich maybe was something else to consider. All these thoughts and a slew more went round and round my mind all week. I was relieved when Saturday finally came. Around one oclock Meelahnee and her mother walked into the

studio, where I was preparing frames for canvas. I could hear a pickup truck revving up in the driveway. You Ben? the woman said as I looked over from my work. She wasnt

half as severe-looking as Id expected, though her face was leathery and lined from the sun in typical Indian fashionpronounced crows-feet not intrusive. Meelahnee stood at her side, fawn-like but unafraid.

radiating outward from the eyes. Her eyes themselves were penetrating but Thats me, I replied, probably too cheerfully, as I put down my work and

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dusted off my hands.

her voice. The revving in the driveway continued. Well, I better get goin. him in about two minutes, hes gonna starve to death. Well be back later.

I thought youd be older, she said with something resembling relief in

Meelahnees cousins havin a fit out there. If he dont get a cheeseburger in I dont know what later meant but I thought we could always just hang

out til whenever. She left and Meelahnee stood there looking at me like, okay, so Hungry? I asked. Always. I took her out in the yard where the coals in the grill were graying

nicely. Im not much of a cook, but Jack had taught me how to throw

together just about anything and twang it up. Its all in the sauce, he had time he came up. Why dont you just tell me the recipe? Id asked, to

said, and brought me a jar of his fathers secret concoction just about every which he replied, I would if hed give it to me. Its part of his legacy, he Probably the only thing.

keeps telling me. One of the things he intends to leave me when its all over. I put some plump chicken legs on the grill, followed by pieces of

green pepper, asparagus, potato wedges, and some mushrooms Id gathered sat on the picnic table bench with her legs facing outward, watching me. Need any help? Sure.

myself earlier in the day. Jack had taught me how to do that, too. Meelahnee

to deftly turn and coat each piece. She obviously knew what she was doing. For the next ten minutes or so we both chipped in, turning and basting, chicken.

She opened the sauce and applied it with a basting brush, using tongs

scarfing down vegetables as soon as they were done while we waited for the Your mom seems pretty cool, I said.

never do.

Yeah, shes okay. Gives me enough rope to hang myself but I guess I

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didnt know how.

I wanted to say something about my mom, that she was cool, too, but

So she lets you do what you want?

if I had to take my clothes off.

More or less. Like the modeling thing with Bob. She didnt even ask me Her words shot through me like .22 shells through empty cans on

a fence, and I was afraid Id leak feelings all over the place. Meelahnee naked?

know, beating the drum all day about the culture and hitting the bottle all away from me.

Yeah, she continued, shes not your typical turquoise jewelry Indian. You

night crying about it. Shes like, I am who I am and nobody can take that Thats how I see you, I said, recovering slightly from the earlier image.

seemed to want to say something serious but then thought better of it. Thanks, she replied.

She stopped for a moment and looked at me with those fawn-like eyes. She

ceramic platter and moved to the picnic table proper to eat. I sat across to touch her like I did Sarah sitting next to me on the rock. But could I slap her arm when I was making some momentous point?

The chicken was finally done and we put everything on a colorful

from her. That way I could line her up in my sights without actually having someday take Meelahnee to the same place and touch my shoulder to hers, The food was darned good and we both happily had sauce on our

lips and fingers. I liked how she wasnt self-conscious about eating like difference, at least in my mind.

this. She was still feminine without having to be lady-like. Theres a big Bob says you dont go to school, she fit in between bites. Its a long story. I used to. In Santa Fe. I guess she read my reticence and decided not to pursue it. I thought

I should say something about it at least. on the Net sometimes.

I study on my own, actually, I offered. I go to the library a lot. And work

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instead turning her attention to the woodcarvings around the yard.

She seemed satisfied with that and didnt say any more about it,

Who did those? she asked, wiping her saucy lips with her napkin.

paintings, to blow off steam, he says. You wouldnt believe how much steam an artist has to blow off. But that one over there on the stick is mine. The hawk?

The carvings? Thats Bobs work. Sometimes he does one between

Yeah, everybody calls it an eagle. But youre right, its a hawk.

Most people carve birds of prey with their wings spread. They go for the power thing, not the quiet presence. I see em on fence posts, I replied, and thats when they look best to me.

I like how you have it just sitting there, like its taking everything in.

When theyre flying, theyre just faraway shapes. You know, all wings and tail feathers. You dont see the real bird. Maybe youll be an artist, too.

Not bloody likely, as Bob would say. my way of blowing off steam.

I just started fooling around with some wood scraps one day. Maybe its The thought that Id have extra energy to be gotten rid of seemed to

intrigue her, I dont know why, yet I could see it in her face. But she said art like this, as if I knew something about it. Like I told her, I was just

nothing. I myself was at a loss for words. It seemed pretentious to discuss fooling around. The fact that Bob took one of my creations and stuck it in well, kid, youre welcome here, here in my exotic little world.

the yard was just an accident of history. It had no meaning, other than to say, We spent the next few minutes eating quietly, though not without the

occasional audible yet decorous licking of sauce-coated fingers. So does it bother you that Im Indian? Why would it bother me?

Because Im lazy and shiftless and I dont know the value of a dollar. I didnt understand the reason for her sarcasm. Why are you saying that?

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with the first real emotion Id seen her express. what I meant.

We may be the First Americans, but actually were the last, she said I guess things are tough, I ventured pathetically, not knowing exactly She tilted her head and looked downit seemed like a kind of

lamentthen returned her gaze to me.

Most white guys dont talk to me.

was the matter of her characterization.

That shocked me. First, because I hadnt known it was that bad. Then there Is that what I am? A white guy? You know what I mean.

She seemed embarrassed by my reaction. I dont think I do. Is it like, youre an Indian, and Im this white dude, so She clammed up and I began to see how sensitive she was. I

whats it gonna be?

regretted being so severe in my tone, but no way was she going to put me in a box like that, or herself for that matter. I wasnt going for it. I thought about what would come next. I realized that Id fallen in love

with the girl in the painting, but here in the flesh she was a package of

considerably more depth of feeling than Id imagined. I wasnt prepared for that. My experience in mediation had equipped me to deal with people and emotions were thrown into the mix. I began to feel that I was in over my show her no weakness! Where did that come from? their emotionsI actually thrived on the challengebut not when my own head and it was darned awkward because at the same time I felt a need to I collected my thoughts and stumbled onward.

youre Indian. So what? To tell you the truth, I think I like you more because of it, dont ask me why. I just feel theres something special about you. I felt it the first time I saw you in the painting. Whoa, Ben! Shooting your mouth off like this can only get you

Look, I guess I just want you to know that Im not that kind of guy. Okay,

in trouble. But the words just came outand because they were true, I

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couldnt actually regret saying them.

medeep, exploratory, but not intrusive. What, now shes crying? Jeez, way to ruin a barbecue, Ben. Im sorry, I said.

She looked at me with the same penetrating look her mother had given

look, Ive got sauce all over your hand, she laughed through the tears.

No, no, dont be, she said, boldly taking my hand in both of hers. Oh Then, suddenly demure, she pulled back. I didnt know what to make of it

her eyes.

all. I fished some napkins out of the pack so she could wipe her hands and dry

about you last month while he was painting my picture, I thought there was something special about you, too.

Thanks, she said. And could I tell you something? When I heard Bob talk

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Chapter 13 Moons passed in variations of a perfect circleI saw them nightly

and hardly missed a one. I liked living in Taos. D.H Lawrence used to live here, Georgia OKeeffe, Ansel Adamsbut it was still a cowboy town at heart. Maybe thats what drew them here. Even with all the galleries they say theres more than eightyand the boutiques and the ski shops, there were enough people living day to day to keep the place grounded. I liked that. I never was all that big on Santa Fe, to tell you the truth. commercialization and all. Taos is a bit cozier, less of a hustle.

Some of Bobs friends say its become an artsy little theme park, with the I started seeing a lot of Meelahnee, and the town provided a nice

backdrop for that. We hung out in the studio when Bob wasnt busy, or Id of the resorts, so shes not around much. I guess her father died about five who fortunately wasnt too much of a pain. I acted goofy around her sometimes and made her laugh, so that helped.

meet her over at her place after school. Her mom works as a cleaner at one years ago so sometimes we were there with just her younger sister Mindee,

TV, Meelahnee and I were outside in the garden, pulling weeds that were mercilessly choking the life out of the vegetables. We were on our hands

One day while Mindee was sprawled on the decrepit couch watching

and knees, gloveless, in the late afternoon sunhoping to make some small Taste that, she said.

dent in the weed-fest. Meelahnee picked a cherry tomato and tossed it to me. I wiped it on my shirt and popped it in my mouth. The squish was exquisite, God, thats good, I said, finally swallowing it down.

the sweet meat and juice producing a powerful sensation.

garden.

Whatd I tell you? she laughed. I dont see how people can live without a Im starting to feel that, too. Reminds me ofwell, a long time ago. She drew closer to me on all fours and we faced each other like compatriot

Maybe Ill try to get Bob to start one. dogs.

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there ready for next spring.

Its too late to plant this year, but anyway we can get some ground over I liked the sound of that we, couched as it was in a sentence about

the future. It resonated with a closeness I hadnt known before. Even with

Sarah, my good friend, or Jenny, someone I was tight with growing up, there was always a respectable distance. Not once had I pictured them naked, for example, something I had reluctantly begun to do with Meelahnee since

she mentioned the subject a while back. Now, hidden between the climbing beans and a row of corn, her warm, sweet breath in my face and her eyes looking into mine, I yielded to the feeling of the moment. Leaning forward, I put my lips to hers. It was a reverent kiss, yet I felt a sudden cold-blooded stirring in my pants. The king cobra was rising from the grass and I was mortified. What if she knew? And yet as I pulled away and looked again

into those innocent, accepting eyes, I could see that even if she knew, she

wouldnt care. It would be natural to herI was certain of it. This made me for sure.

want to kiss her again, which I did. This must be what is meant by intimacy, In time I leaned back, squatting like a bushman with my buttocks

resting on my heels. She stayed down on all fours like a dog, looking up at for real at that moment. Suddenly the painting was just a colorless shadow

me loyally, even though I was the dog. I think I actually fell in love with her of what was before me now. I stood at the very threshold of beauty, and the and fresh for a moment. I practically heard the celestial music in my head, just like Drew! I wasnt used to this kind of intensity, so I thought it better to

world, even this world beyond the gates of Albemarle, became almost shiny

back offI needed time to make sense of it, integrate it or whatever. If I continued the conversation now, I was sure to make a fool of myself. almost gallantly to help her up. She took it easily, then smiled. around me. Im going to go now, I said, standing up tall and holding out my hand Look, now Ive got dirt on your hand. Youre never going to be clean

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smiled at her and we headed for the corner of the house where my bike was leg over the saddle. I turned to her. But suddenly I had to know. Fourteen.

Did I mind that? Not in the least. Or did she mean something else? I

leaning. When we got there I pulled the handlebars toward me and slung my How old are you? I asked, probably too abruptly, as she looked surprised.

Thats about what Id thought. So?

Im going to be seventeen soon, I said. Youre cool with that?

Im cool with you, she replied. to her.

I wasnt used to being talked to like this. And like a fool, I gave it right back Im cool with you, too.

exchanges, its a strange and wonderful thing. And so full of hope! The only thing marring it was the predatory serpent, still hard and proud, waiting for its just reward. See you tomorrow? Call me. I rode off ambivalentlyit was a flawed happinesslooking back as

If this is how love begins, these odd, confirming but awkward

if to catch a farewell glance but seeing only Mindee through the curtainless front window, sitting frozen in the flickering glow of the TV.

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Chapter 14 A couple days later, Bob was in the studio sketching from one of his

models. She sat nude on a bale of straw, her curves all electric to me, but I of steel, or heart of stone, I wondered? It had to be one or the other.

could see by Bobs face that this was just another day at the office. Nerves He would spend a day or so like this doing a workup, as he called it,

creating a number of sketches and then taking the best poses, lighting and so on, and turn them into a kind of composite. From that hed arrange the way, unlike most of his friends, who loved nothing more than spattering

model once more and start the actual painting. He was very methodical that gobs of paint on a canvas and then standing back to see if they could call it

art. There was always a lot of debate in the studio about this. Youre Salieri to my Mozart, one of them once said to him, and I had to ask the guy what he meant. Anyway, I guess you get used to the nudity, though I sometimes

lingered awhile. Bob kidded me about it, often lapsing into a pontification

on the great theme he saw in it. Get a good look while you can, hed say; attached.

its one of the few times in life that this stuff is absolutely freeno strings I was thinking about this as I walked through the studio to go to the

kitchen in the main house. I was planning to cook up some eggs, then get fridge, the phone rang. It was Drew. Its Sarah.

started on a days worth of chores. As I got inside and was opening up the Whats up? I asked, as he never called in the morning. In less than an hour I was on a bus bound for Albuquerque, the

day-old Danish Id grabbed on the way out of the house sitting uneasily in

my stomach. I was heading for a rehab clinic and had no idea what Id find there. Drew had said something about her being out all night, some broken of his near-breathlessness and my sudden emotional tilt. He did say shed windows, the cops and a bunch of other details I couldnt compute because

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been there about a week, and the secret had just gotten out.

parents, like Drews, were known in Santa Fe and probably had plentiful

Okay, shed gone too far. Why send her out of town? Was it because her

face to save? In a town so small, to some people that was a priority. Maybe thoughtless of me. I knew her parents and although they cared heaps about appearances, they wouldnt ship her out on that account. Would they? Or

this was just a way to conceal an embarrassing unpleasantness. No, that was

was it that Santa Fe was just too prim to have such a clinic? These were the kind of sharp-edged little thoughts that filled my head as we droned down in our gleaming refrigerated box. the stretch of highway toward that lately hi-tech former Santa Fe Trail town Some three hours later we reached Albuquerque. I got out and

looked around. I was short on cash, and found an illegal in a pavement-

hugging Chevy and paid him to take me to the clinic. He wasnt keen on

venturing into the nicer part of town but I offered him an extra dollar and he carefully checked his rearview mirror and drove on. The poor guy almost had a stroke when I asked him to stop so I could ask for directions, and that would help his chances of avoiding detection.

when he finally dropped me off and drove away he sat low in the seat, as if The clinic was situated in a modest 70s-style campus but it was in a

leafy neighborhood nestled between a golf course and university grounds, infusing it with a somewhat more genteel air. The gates were open and I walked up the drive to the main door. I had no idea what Id find inside.

Sarah but the fact is, I usually end up jumping in headfirst and seeing what happened after the splash. Even though I thought I knew her as well as pretty one, I was guessing. anyonemaybe betterI didnt know what face shed show today. Not a The reception staff told me that no visitors were allowed for the

Id had plenty of time on the bus to figure out a strategy for dealing with

first week, but that Id gotten lucky because it was day eight. I got patted

down for drugs in a side roommaybe because of my age, I dont know.

Apparently people do smuggle drugs into rehabilitation centers, though the

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logic of that was beyond me. But the staff was reasonably professional about it and soon Sarah was buzzed and told I was here. In less than a minute she was padding down the hospital-like corridor like a Labrador after a nap. How can I describe her? She was different, for sure. Gone were

the reddened eyes, the slightly manic look. But I wasnt so happy with the replacement. It was like some people look after plastic surgerythe new face is supposed to be better but theres something not quite right about it.

Sarah had been upgraded from meth-head to something healthier but to tell you the truth, I didnt quite recognize the new, improved her. The soporific demeanor, the seemingly forced self-control, the way she almost shuffled the nimble intelligence, the excitable spirit ready at any moment to take flight?

down the hallthe whole package unnerved me. Where was the sharp eye,

sees all seemed to see nothing at all. She did give me a wan smile and take my arm, leading me down another corridor to a door opening to a garden. We went out and sat on a wooden bench opposite a small fountain, not a word being spoken. For my part, I didnt know what to say. I tried to

If she fathomed my impression, she didnt show it. The Sarah who

imagine that it was just us in the old days, sitting on a rock beside the creek, unworkable, I just opened my mouth to see what pearls might come forth. I just found out this morning. Drew. Yeah, the parents have been trying to sit on it. Who told you?

as if that image would release some pent-up but easy verbiage. That proving

and all. And I told them you were working on some farm in Vermontyou be able to contact you. Im just glad it didnt make the headlines. that there was a lighter side to all this, if we could but find it. little cubes so nobodyd recognize you.

Thats my boy. They wouldnt tell Jack, for sure. The pedigree thing

know, in case that government guy came looking for youso no way theyd That last remark was apparently meant as a joke, which I took as her signal I did see it on TV, I said lamely, but they disguised your face with those

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Har-de-har, she said with another brief smile.

for Junior Prom Queen and they want to know if you prefer the white dress with the pink lace or the pink dress with the white lace. She bumped her shoulder against mine.

But seriously, Sarah. The school sent me because youve been nominated

cheer me up or Ill send you packing, ass first.

Youre in rare form today. Just tell me the real reason youre here isnt to I promise Im not here to cheer you up. Wouldnt think of it.

wont be offended. You were wondering, werent you? So even in a near-stupor, she does know all!

Okay, you pass. Now ask me why I look like a zombie and I promise I

Im guessing its some medication to counteract the drug. my mood stabilized?

Its called a mood stabilizer. How about that. Did you ever think Id need Far from it. Whatever your mood was, it felt all right with us. I guess its The meth?

whats been happening with you lately thats been kind of worrying.

Yeah. Its not like you to let something get the better of you. vehicle.

Oh, it didnt get the better of me, Ben my dear. I was the master. It was my Vehicle for what? To achieve what?

thoughts into words, I dont know. Finally, she spoke. just picked a more radical way to express it. You got high to rebel?

She withdrew into herself for a moment, maybe to find a way to put her Well, its like this. Its not me thats messed up, its the place we live in. I

what crystal doesafter a while you dont even get the high, you only postpone the craving a little bit.

Got high? Is that what you thinkI took drugs to feel better? You know

So that was your rebellion? Creating a battle with your craving? Quite a nasty little vehicle, isnt it! But why? Why put yourself through that?

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trying to hand you on a platterall the American Dream crap. Its like saying, Hey, as an alternative to the glorious life youre offering me, I choose meth addiction. Makes a statement, dont you think? and went for the quick high. I was after. Its their souls.

I did it for the ordeal, Ben. Its a slap in the face of what everybodys

It does, if people see it that way. Mostll probably figure you were unhappy Let em think that. Itll make it sweeter when I show em it wasnt the high I was taken aback and had to digest it a minute. I felt foolish because

it meant that I was standing in the same crowd that had misinterpreted

herI really thought shed become desperate. But according to her, she was pulling her own strings. Before I had a chance to formulate a coherent reply, she continued. Me? And I have you to thank. The thought that I was in any way connected to her present condition

shocked me.

you uploaded there, all describing a life I could only fantasize about. The not rebel?

Yes, you. Your stories about growing up, your website, Stef s manuscript

purity of it all, amid all the dross! When I looked around me, how could I Jesus, Sarah, my aim was to show a better possible future, not push people Is that what you think? That Im heading toward the edge? I thought you

toward the edge.

knew me. Ben the wonder boy, solves any problemanimal, vegetable or mineral. Sensitive to the subtleties. Man, you can be so dense sometimes.

Im not out of control, Im not going crazy, Im not a slave to my addiction. I created my addiction, on purpose, because you showed me what could be but isnt. What could I do then but act against what is? I hadnt known what to expect coming here, but for sure it wasnt

this. I didnt know if I should be grateful that Id done her a service or

regretful for aiding and abetting. Yet in her eyes it wasnt a crisis at all but

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simply an attempt to take a stand. Still I found it hard to believe, because who in their right mind would choose addiction? And how did I know if this wasnt the drug talkingyou know, addicts are always the first to deny their condition. Maybe this heroic scenario was created in Sarahs mind as a way to cope with, even justify, her addiction. Stef had told me once never to trust an addict, and hed seen plenty on his travels as a journalist around out of my own narrow-mindedness, placing my good and trusted friend in the country. On the other hand, what if I were the one creating the scenario, the same tight compartment as all those tragic losers I saw in those pictures on the Net? If that were so, some friend I was! But how to know the truth? Sarah, being rather more clever than me, might find it easy to lead me on,

then jump off a bridge somewhere and leave a note behind addressed to me: extend a hand to me? Why did you let yourself be so easily conned? confided in you from the beginning. Why didnt you? Dear Ben, why couldnt you see through my desperate cover-up and

Youre troubled, she said. I know this is new to you. I should have

get an idea in my head.

I guess because I knew youd try to stop me. And you know me, once I Tell me about it.

myself until I could pull it off, then bring you in on the fait accompli. At least you thought of me.

So I didnt want to fight with you, thats all. I thought Id just keep it to

and Jack, and youre all part of the plan. Its just that Im bringing you in on the end rather than the beginning. Which in fact is the beginning, as I hope youll see. So youre not planning to jump off a bridge?

Im not joking. Youre part of the plan, kid. I trust you, like I do Drew

answer your questionno, I have no intention of doing myself in. Im too proud for that. I want to believe you.

This is Albuquerque, not San Francisco. Show me a proper bridge. But to

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Wait and see.

Thats a big ask.

Youre my friend, arent you? Dont you know that? Then do what friends do.

simply because second-guessing her had always been fruitless. Like me, she others understood or not. If you love and trust someone, you get with the program.

I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. Not to prove myself to her, but

seemed to have a compass that led her in some inexorable direction, whether

here to save me, didnt you. I guess I did.

Just tell me one thing, she said, putting her hand on mine. You came What could I say but the obvious truth? She looked at me squarely, deeply, for the first time since Id arrived. But you already have.

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Chapter 15 The ride back to Taos later that day was considerably more relaxed

than the one over. Sarah insisted I leave her some space and not worry, and I took her at her word. If it was all a meth-fueled tableau with her as the raving central figure, well, Id have to face up to that, no doubt sooner than

later. But to me it was worth the risk, because the alternative was to abandon the Sarah I knew and replace her with a creature so unbecoming that I felt it would destroy her the moment she saw its reflection in my eyes. I got home around eight and was surprised to find Meelahnee in the

studio talking to the Bobcat. They were yukking it up royally so I must have missed something. Well, the prodigal son returns, Bob said with an uncharacteristic grin.

Meelahnee looked at me appreciatively and I basked in it for the briefest moment.

of why Id gone.

So, how did it go? he continued, suddenly sobered by the recollection

Better than I expected, I replied. Shes got a lot of guts, that girl.

been more concerned about Sarah than I realized.

Bobs momentary heaviness lightened at my reassuranceI guess hed Good, then. So you lot head into the kitchenI invited this nymph of the I hadnt eaten all day so I was famished. We crossed through the breezeway

woods over to cook something for you. Its probably still warm in the oven. into the main house and I immediately smelled that Tex-Mex aroma. In the the food from the stove. Rice and refried black beans, and some hefty enchiladas which she topped with some sour cream from the fridge. This looks great. It is great, she said with a laugh.

kitchen Meelahnee took charge and sat me down, set out plates and retrieved

any time, either, and we were both chowing down like a couple of Irish

I dug in with gusto and she seemed pleased. She didnt waste

wolfhounds. The enchiladas, filled with chicken and potato chunks sloppy

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with cheese, were de-lish and went down easily. out some lemonade.

How about a drink? she asked, getting up. I nodded and she poured Squeezed em myself, she said unselfconsciously.

speaking again.

I needed that, I said after taking a long draft. She ate silently before I guess you had a hard day.

Just the fact that he asked her over to wait for me no doubt called for some

I hadnt told her much about Sarah but Bob probably filled her in.

sort of explanation on his part. In any case, I couldnt really say it was a bad day because the outcome had actually seemed hopefulbut I wouldnt say simple nod. the studio. it was good, eitherso I just said nothing, seconding her observation with a We ate and drank our fill and washed the dishes before heading back into I brought something for you, she said. Come see.

found objects that he was going to assemble to make what he said was a lamp next to the bed, she sat down and reached for her satchelone of

We crossed through the work areaBob was fiddling around with some

junk sculptureand Meelahnee led me up to the loft. Turning on the table those colorfully woven Navajo bags they seem to mass-produce over in writing paper. She handed it to me. Whats this? Read it.

Gallup. I sat on the bed next to her as she pulled out a piece of rose-shaded

I tilted the lampshade slightly and read: The hawk is swift

but in his flight

with fluttered feathers

wavers

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But stopped dead still upon his post he sees the world

more nearly.

So rest my bird

my dear my guide; reveal what you see clearly.

I wait your word

your look your heart (like grass awaits the dew)

to teach me now

(the hawk, you see

your wondrous world: is you.)

The hawk from post

his place and never

surveys his world

wavers

As I finished reading, she looked at me expectantly.

Im not a writer like you, she said. Its probably not very good. that Im the hawk?

No, dont say that. I like it. I really like it a lot. And youre saying, what, Arent you?

I dont know. If you mean, do I sit and watch and try to put it all together,

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figure stuff out, then I guess I could be. You on the post. Like that carving I made. Is that what gave you the idea?

You should be asking yourself thatwhat gave you the idea?

by hearing Bob downstairs closing some cabinet drawers. Then the lights Meelahnee and the table lamp.

I started to consider but my train of thought was momentarily derailed

went out and I heard the studio door close behind him. Now it was just me, She turned fully to me, and in the dim shade of the lamp and the reflected

light of the rose paper, I saw for the first time the face of an Indian. It

startled me, I have to admit, because before she was more like some lovely, exotic personage, almost princess-like. Now I saw before me the tribal visage of a member of an ancient race, full of pain, full of knowledge, a

being of such gravity that I had to forcibly resist being pulled into her orbit. If I kissed her now it would seem like the amateurish prank of a schoolboy, and that held me back. from mine. true.

Do you know what you are? she asked without withdrawing her gaze Sometimes I do, sometimes maybe I dont, I replied, as that was certainly I see you clearly now, she said.

how could she not? Dare I ask her what she saw? Do you really? Yes.

How could she? And yet with this primordial face, these penetrating eyes, I wish I could say that about you, I replied in all earnestness.

Then itll happen. Itll happen if you want it to. Do you mean that? seen you. I never meant it beforewith anybodybut I mean it now. Now that Ive Im not sure I understand.

Why are you the observer on the post? Why are you the peacemaker? Why

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do your friends turn to you? What makes you want to create a different world? Why did you carve that bird out in the yard? I dont know. Well, I do. Why, then?

Because youre a shaman. A medicine man. Thats why.

adoptive culture literally laughed at such stuffand yet at the same time

What was she talking about? The words sounded so ridiculousmy

plausible enough that I had to at least consider it. Okay, Id had mediation spent most of my waking hours trying to translate the spirit of it for the

training at Albemarlehad been drawn to it from the very beginningand outside worldbut that was my vocation, wasnt it? Id always thought of am.

it as something I did, while she seemed to be saying that it was something I Anyway, she continued, drawing even closer, I think you should kiss Id kissed her beforea bunch of times in the last weekbut

me now.

never this face. If I kissed this face I felt as though I might be drawn past a point from which there was no return. Yet there was something in the new Meelahnee that was deeper and more compelling than the canvas princess was looking at a woman.

I had childishly fallen for. I wasnt looking at a girl now, a play partnerI I took her in my arms and her lips were plush against mine. The

fingers of her hand ran up the hair on the back of my head as naturally as a seal slips through kelp. Of course I felt that golden lump in my pants again but it was no real surpriseit had made its presence known from the moment Id sat next to Meelahnee on the bed. Its persistent throbbing now seemed a minor inconvenience but to my surprise Meelahnee leaned back Then her panties. against the pillow, pulled her legs onto the bed and pulled down her jeans. I didnt know much but I knew enough to realize that this was our moment,

and I removed my own jeans and shorts and lay beside her. We both kept

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out shirts on. She reached into her Navajo bag and pulled out a square foil packet, which she handed to me. I fumbled with it sufficiently for her to giggle softly and take it from me. Here, let me do it.

not smoothly by any means but gently and with reverence rather than

She opened the package and proceeded to equip me with its contents,

embarrassment. When I guessed that she was finished I rolled on top of her and was more than relieved to feel her guiding me inside of her. The light others eyes. Precious moments, those! And now that the technical stuff was still on so we did all this while being able to occasionally look into each was over we could kiss again. It was a wet kiss accompanied by my slow thrust into her, and both of us made a kind of strange noise in our throats chuckle. Jeez, she was a natural! that caused us to open our eyes momentarily and smile at each other, almost As I moved slowly within her, I looked at her face again. It had

changed into something different, almost beatificeyelids half-closed, then closed, the slight curve of the smile still on her lipshere was a creature of the feeling in my heart and in my loins was overpowering and like a kid on going to be a breathless ride, for sure. many faces! I closed my eyes now, too, not because I wanted to but because a roller coaster for the first time I reacted to the intensity instinctively. It was She said my name a couple times and I didnt know if I should

answer her or not. It wasnt as if she were actually talking to me, though,

and I responded with kisses to her cheek and I think her eyebrow, Im not didnt much care. The only thought I had was that it not end.

exactly sure. I wasnt fully conscious of what I was doing, frankly, though I She seemed to be with me all the way, lost in the moment like I was but

not lost to me. I had no doubt we were taking this dream-like ride together, as if holding hands in the dark, and not once in all the undulations and the wild incoherence to come did we lose contact with each other. Her hold on the back of my shirt and neck was insistentnever bold, never hungry, never

recklesssimply insistent. And as our intensity increased, not a fraction of

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her gentleness was lost. That was her. But look at me. She was a marvelous being but here I was, plunging more deeply inside her, ravishing her like a brutebut if I read her reaction right, it was okay with her, and strangely mount her like a beast and not feel like an animal but like a friend, in the truest sense of the word. I was no animal! I was her friend! I didnt have the luxury of enjoying this revelation to its fullest

enough, it felt okay to me, too. That was my biggest surprisethat I could

because another feeling was taking over, a sensation in my loins so

demanding that I could do nothing but relinquish every thought and yield me tightly as it washed over me like a violent, cleansing sea and left me shuddering and immaculate in her arms. silence needed to be broken.

to its spectacular force. Meelahnee felt it coming as well because she held

Neither of us spoke for the longest time. Finally, I felt as though the

little evidence knew something perfectly well. She smiled at me shyly. No, youre mine.

Youre mine, I said with the strange confidence of someone who with

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Chapter 16 The next weeks were ones of hard work around the studio,

interspersed with unaccustomed reflection whenever I didnt need a

sharp focus of attention. There was a lot to think about. I actually felt as though I might be a man now, or very nearly so, because Id finallyif unexpectedlymade love with a woman. If that were true, I had to take

Meelahnee seriously when she said she could see me. Because the fact is, needed that knowledge. Exactly who was I? Mediator? Shaman? Brute?

I couldnt see myself clearly yet. To carry on my workmy real workI I saw her as often as I could, and we mostly just hung out at the studio

or on the trail. We often didnt say muchdidnt need to, reallyand although she could see that I was building to some kind of revelation, in her usual had something to say, Id say it; thats the way she was. fashion she didnt press me but just let the flow carry us where it would. If I Finally, I was sufficiently convinced that I needed to talk with her

about the growing ferment within my mind. She suggested a barbecue but

then wed have Bob and his chat-happy friends to contend with here or her

mom and little sis over at her place, so we opted for a picnic instead. She put together a great lunchBob sprang for the ingredientsand we headed for our kingdom and say it was good. She wore a cowboy hat. one of the unfrequented hills above town where we could look down, survey Lunch was pure Italianmeat and pasta with tomato sauce and all

thatMeelahnee was pretty much into Mexican but Bob introduced her

to Italian and she picked right up on it. Even learned the lingofocaccia, slap-happy Calabrians.

prosciutto, you name it. Needless to say, we dug right in, content as a coupla Whens the last time you had a cheeseburger? I asked her sarcastically. Whens the last time you hit your head with a hammer? she replied,

eliciting a decent laugh from both of us which we drowned with some icy gulps of sun tea that shed made that morning. Sometimes I cant believe my luck, I mused as I looked at her

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mysteriously shaded face under the wide brim of the hat. Ow! I said. What was that for? To help you remember.

And dont you forget it! she replied with a hard swat to my thigh.

were a couple of lucky ducks and I regretted having to tell her what I was going to tell her. I tried to put it off as long as I could. The puffy one? Check out that cloud over there, I said. Whats it look like to you? No, that long one on the left. With two tails?

I looked at her and thought I could see that she felt like I did. We

Okay, lets see. Looks like one of those Chinese dragons. So what? Are you saying all dragons have just one tail? Oh, those fake dragons?

The Chinese ones do. You know, the ones with the people dancing inside. Arent you the cheeky one! I said, trying to sound like Bob.

you think it is, now that its got two-and-a-half tails and the heads starting to separate from its body? Well, CheekyI can call you Cheeky, cant I?Id say it was a Yeah, I can see that. Disbedragulating. Nice word. Made it up.

Thats my middle name. Cheeky. Anyway, Benjamin, my big boy, what do

discombobulating ex-dragon.

Leaning back in the grass on my elbows, I watched her drink up. I like that hat.

We finished off lunch in silence and took a last swig or two of tea.

to him.

Thanks. My cousin gave it to me. Now he wants it back but I wont give it He saw how good it looks on you.

town could look out over Taos and take in a wide and gratifying view. I

She leaned back next to me and from our grassy little slope above

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didnt say anything for a few minutes but finally decided to get the wheels rolling. I have to go away for a while, I said to her, maybe with more solemnity I knew something was up. Feel like talking about it?

than Id intended.

I need to be alone for a couple of weeks.

It probably sounds crazy, I said, sitting up, but I want to go to the desert. I looked into her eyes and was surprised to see easy comprehension.

a dangerous place.

I figured you might do something like that sooner or later. But the deserts One of Bobs friends has a cabinmore like a shack, she says, but theres a

well. And even though its in the middle of nowhere, Ill at least have a roof over my head and water to drink.

anything for a while, and finally I continued.

I didnt tell her I intended to fast. One thing at a time. She didnt say

up to me now. Bobs good and all but hes more like me, her hands pressing against my shoulders.

You know, I lost my father, then my mother, then I lost Stefso its really She didnt let me finish my sentence but pushed me down and sat astride Dont forget who youre talking to! she said, a deadly serious tone lying

just beneath her playfulness. Dont ever forget! I know exactly what youre doing, and I know why youre doing it. The force of her body against mine and the force of her voicea

strange mix of the sexual and the spiritualsurprised me, and I saw that staring into mine.

face againthat eternal face, wrought with pain and knowledge and hope You were worried what Id say, she continued, thinking I might cry or try

to talk you out of it. Well, I wont. If this is what you need, do it. If you still want me when you get back, Ill be here. If your path leads you away, well, so be it. You amaze me, I said.

I amaze myself, she said, suddenly laughing. But you bring it out in me

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so I cant take the credit. But enough of thatdont you think you should kiss me now? I remembered what happened the last time she said that and I

didnt hesitate. I pulled her face down to minethe brim of her hat hit my to get the hang of it now. In less than a minute we were completely out

forehead and fell into the grassand we kissed long and hard. I was starting of our clothes andwhats that little foil packet? She was so resourceful! And again we were pressing our bodies against each other, this time with more abandon than I thought either of us was capable of. We created our own little world right there in the tall grass, a world of heat and light I

didnt know existed, and when those teeming delirious steps into delectable madness broke the world asunder and we lay there spent and panting, I boy could now hear her voice in my ear, whispering softly, oh my boy, my big

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Chapter 17 Bob had obligingly granted my request for six weeks leave, with the

understanding that I couldnt predict what the future might hold after that. was okay.

He even promised to have Meelahnee over now and then to make sure she Meelahnee for her part asked me if Id like to make a communion

time with herevery day at sunset wed both sit quietly for ten minutes or what, you wont feel alone. Then, as if as an afterthought she added, And neither will I. Bobs friend Janet, owner of the cabin, picked me up in an old jeep

so and communicate sustaining thoughts to each other. That way, no matter

and we hit the road after a quick cup of cappuccino. I usually dont drink Bob patted me on the shoulder when I left.

coffee, but I had one with her and Bob as a kind of so-long celebration. Ol Janet was pushing fifty and her gray-streaked black hair was pulled back

roughly in a ponytail. Some strands by her temples hung freely and they blew wildly in the wind. She had a New Mexico tanthat is to say,

burnished year-roundwhich added to her untamed look. What struck me most about Janet, though, was her odd cheerfulness. The world seemed so rosy to her and I found it disquieting, I dont know why. Maybe its because if someone manages to be that cheerful, it could mean they cant really see things as they areor can but dont quite believe their eyes. Where, then, is the motivation for our great countrys transformation? Its not idealism that changes the world, but realism! She was a hypnotherapist by tradebefore I met her I didnt

know there was such a thingand before long she was urging me to use autosuggestion to keep my spirits high and stay focused. Believe me, I know, she chirped, taking her eyes off the road for

uncomfortable stretches. I spent lots of time alone out there in the desert you know, meditatingand you start going round and round after a while. Dont get me wrong, I love it there, but I can only take two or three days at a

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time.

the scenery was gradually changing to a barren moonscape with ore-tinged no traffic whatsoever. If it was monotonous I didnt notice itthe farther one could see, the greater the minds ability to roam, the way I figured it.

Eventually we turned off the highway onto hard-packed gravel and

mountains in the distance. Vegetation became sparse and prickly. There was

I asked Janet what hypnotherapy really was. She described it as reaching the deeper part of the person, the subconscious mind, in order to help heal it. I asked her if she thought the subconscious mind was the soul and she was silent a moment. I dont really know, she finally said. What do you think?

I dont think it is. In fact, I think theyre completely different. as in my old life we used to talk about this kind of thing a lot. So you believe in the soul, then, she said.

I spoke with a reasonable amount of confidencethought not certitude

know, goes to purgatory, meets up with seventy-two virgins, comes back in a different body, all that hocus-pocus. When we die, thats pretty much the end of the line. It re-merges us with the eternal cosmos. She got a mildly depressed look on her face. Then whats its purpose? she asked hopefully.

Yes, I do. I dont believe it lives on as us after death, though. You

its different from the subconsciousyou know how that part can get pretty messed up sometimes and drive people nuts. Im sure you deal with it in your practice all the time. To me the soul is more like that expression, the Beacon on the Hill. It can light the way for us. If we know where to look for it. So you think everyone has a soul?

Maybe to guide us about how to act when were here. Thats why I believe

She seemed to be asking for herself, if I read her voice right.

radioand couldnt care lessand drives a friend of a friend three hours

Well, anyone who owns a twenty-year-old jeep with no top and a broken

out to the desert to let him share her private refuge and three hours back and

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doesnt ask a thing in return has to have a soul, dont you think? A fairly big one. Her face brightened. Youre sweet. I was at one time.

eyes hungry for raw Nature with no human veneer slapped on. I looked at wait.

We drove on, past cholla and mesquite and cactus. To me it was a feast for

Janet. Something told me she wanted to say more, and I didnt have long to So whats this beacon on the hill, Ben?

Now shes talking like I know something! I only wish I did.

were connected to everybody else. And wants us to act like we understand that. Isnt that the conscience?

I dont know. I guess I feel like its the light within us that shows us how

Is it? Maybe thats one way of looking at it. But some people have no conscience. What, like unrepentant murderers? Sociopaths? IT robber barons?

Yeah, theyre out there, for sure. Maybe thats where the soul in some people has had its nose rubbed in the dirt somewhere along the line. Or its been trampled by greed. So it could just have got burnt outyou know, there waiting to rise from the ashes.

was instead full of questions, though she was a healer. Maybe it went back to her dogged cheerfulnessshe maybe couldnt see things as they really were. If this were so, then all the hypnotherapy in the world wouldnt help troubled them. If life had confused them or worn them down, shed have

I was curious as to why Janet wasnt conversant on the subject but

her soothe the souls of her petitionersshed have a hard time seeing what insufficient medicine in her kit. At the very least she needed to be able to who knows, maybe this is all we can expect of healers nowadays.

say to them, I get it. She did have a wonderful purity of spirit, though, and We turned off the hardpack onto a loose gravel track and bounced

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along for another thirty minutes or so, not saying much. We had plenty of

food for thought, and that seemed to sustain us the rest of the way. We made one last turnoff and I could now see a sturdy wooden shack with a glinting corrugated roof. There it is, Janet said cheerfully.

engine running.

She turned up the long drive and stopped the jeep in front, keeping the Youre not coming in? I asked.

the key. And like I said, theres no electricity but youll find some candles. The wells out back. Watch out for snakes. Will do. See you on the 16th, then.

No; then you might have a hard time getting rid of me. Anyway, heres

further up the road about three miles. Theyve got a pickup truck there and Im sure theyd give you a ride. Okay, thanks.

Ill be here. If you want to come back sooner, theres an Indian village

Take this. Theres some dried dates and a bag of applesjust in case. I know you want to fast, but one never knows.

And here, she added, handing me a brown paper sack from the back seat.

dilapidated vehicle, I gave her hand a good squeeze when she held it out. This means a lot to me, Janet.

I knew, of course, but accepted it just the same. Climbing out of the

when this is all over, you wont be a kid anymore.

Good luck, kid, she said, then ground the gearshift into first. Maybe I closed the door with a rusty creak and a slam and she was off.

I followed the trail of dust until the jeep was nearly out of sight, then

unlocked the door and went inside. Opening the windows to relieve the

stuffiness, I had a look around. It was one large room and aside from an old colorless. This was Janets intention, as shed told me several thefts and the occasional vandalism in the early days had convinced her to keep it simple. Shed later made friends with the Indians up the track and said that in their

Hopi rug on the floor and a feathery dream-catcher on the wall, it was fairly

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inscrutable way of wandering by, doing who knew what, they kept an eye on the place. You probably wont see them, she said, but theyll see you. I unzipped my carry bag and emptied its contents on the rugjacket,

shirt, jeans, a change of underwear and socks, hat, toothbrush, a notebook and several pens. I didnt bring any booksI didnt want anyones ideas in my head but my own. This was going to be tough because Ive been jacket cowgirl, said she didnt think I could last the whole six weeks a ravenous reader since I was little. One of Bobs friends, the rhinestone because my own thoughts would drive me crazy. The way our cultures

evolved, she said, thats why we work and play so hardso we dont have to think. I was confident I could prove her wrongin my case at least belief in Meelahnee, I wouldnt let myself hedge my bets by adding, but time will tell. yet it was a confidence based not on experience but on belief. And like my

Id take a look around outside. Stepping through the doorway, the first thing I noticedbesides the heatwas the silence. It was intense, much quieter than Taos where you could always hear the wind in the pines or the calls of of sound or from the mornings caffeine. I didnt have to wait long for the

My legs needed a stretch after the long hours in the car, so I thought

birds. Soon my ears were buzzingI dont know if it was from the absence stillness to be broken, though, because a horsefly passed by with a veritable roarat least to my ears. I could actually hear it coming from thirty feet or so away and the same distance as it was leavingcomplete with Doppler effect. Then a hush fell upon the land. I walked around the cabin and could see the well in back, a rustic

affair with its own ancient wooden bucket. Nearby was a meandering

arroyo, dry naturally, but lined with the occasional cactus, scrub, and I could even see some trees as it neared the mountains in the distance. This sign of water was welcome in the desert for sure, yet it was far enough from the cabin to ease my mind about a flash flood. About twenty yards off in the

other direction was the unmistakable shape of an outhouse. Since I would

be fasting, I soon wouldnt be needing it mucheven if I drank my fill of

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water, Id most likely sweat most of it away.

inthe dry streambed, the distant trees, the mountains, the weather-beaten rather I was to become one of its aspiring denizens.

I stood there immobile for I dont know how long, just taking everything

well, the sand and scattered stones at my feetthis was to be my domain, or Soon another fly made a noisy pass and I stirred from my reverie. I

walked to the arroyo and followed it for a while, marveling at the patterns sand while the edges cut into harder dirt, creating small pinnacles and

the last flow of water had made there. The middle was ribbed with rippled gorges resembling the Grand Canyon in miniature. A couple of times I got the amount of pleasure this gave me.

on my hands and knees to check out some feature in detail. I cant describe Time passed and I watched the day wane as the sun dropped toward

the end of the world. I found a rocky outcropping where I could climb up forty feet or so and command a view of the land and the sun now in its

reddish robes squatting on the horizon. I was less than a mile from the cabin and could see it easily, so this was a good place to park and commune with Meelahnee without getting lost as dusk fell on the return trip.

the setting sun. Looking to my left, it was as if I could see forever; turning desert, yet Meelahnee was rightI didnt feel alone. I knew that exactly

Finding a suitable perch, I sat down and stretched out my legs toward

to my right, the view was the same. I began to appreciate the vastness of the at this moment she was in a quiet spot somewhere, her thoughts radiating

out into the ether. Our reception apparatus being what it is, I wasnt able to retrieve these thoughts, but just knowing they were there, like the faithful believe of God, was comforting.

way down the rocks and reached the arroyo again. I decided at this moment that this was to be my sacred highway, joining me not only to Meelahnee but to the cosmos of which I was a miniscule but necessary part.

All too soon the sun was gone, a breeze picked up, and I made my

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Chapter 18 The next day I was up with the sun. Id slept well, except for a brief

interlude punctuated by the raucous yelping of coyotes, and felt refreshed. The air was already warm, and I bathed la bucket at the well behind the cabin. No need for soap, I reckoned, although I was committed to rinsing out a set of clothes every other day as I wore the other, in case someone should turn up and reasonably expect to find a passable human being. I didnt give a thought to what I was going to do here. My plan

was simply to be receptive, whatever that might mean. If I was moved

to do something, I would do it. If I wasnt, Id do nothing. Im thinking

now that this may be what was troubling the rhinestone jacket ladythat was that I wasnt here to do anything, and this break from routine might

doing nothing could very well lead to madness. But what she didnt realize in fact SAVE me from madnessthe madness that I felt had been slowly, sometimes insidiously seeping into my mind since I was abruptly forced from the sanctity of Albemarle. Yet sometimes I feel I actually embraced the craziness, just to survive. Thats one of the reasons I was here, alone in the of those around me, that it felt perfectly normal. desert. To purge that from my system before I got so used to it, like so many When I finished washing up, I took pen in hand and wrote down

some of my thoughtsthoughts just like these. I dont know how long it

took, but when there didnt seem to be anything more to say, I went for a

walk. Following the arroyo in the other direction, I found that it split into and when Id had sufficient bearings to navigate without getting lost and

two. I took the right fork and that split, too. I would have plenty to explore, becoming another desert statisticthere are more than one might thinkI that I might just as easily do nothing, this doesnt mean Id sit in the cabin and stare at a wall-hanging all day. I read about Einstein remarking that when confronted with a problem he couldnt solve, hed take a walk. The

could later cross open land without the aid of creekbeds. When I said earlier

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answer came, not by thinking of the problem, but in the mindless walking. I returned to the cabin later to escape the midday heata practice I was out along the sacred highway to join with the spirit of Meelahnee as the determined to wean myself fromand as the day wore on I headed back sun went down. On the way back to the cabin, I felt acute hunger pangs but candlelight, then went to sleep.

tried not to pay attention to them. After dark I wrote for a couple of hours by The next day was much like the one before, except that I carried

water and found a creosote bush near the creekbed sufficiently large to shelter under when the sun got too hot. Believe me, I poked around it neighborhood crotalus horribilis and his resourceful rattle.

plenty with a stick to make sure I wasnt going to keep company with the And so the next few days went, exploring, writing, watching the carmine

sunset from the consecrated rocks. Hunger came and wentdrinking an

enormous amount of waterwhich I had to do anywayhelped a lot, and a while and had better get used to it.

gradually my stomach, via my mind, accepted the fact that it was on hold for Soon the days began to merge into one another, weeks went by, and

the concept of time itself began to become hazy, to say the least. I didnt

have a watch or calendar with me, but instead depended on the sun and the one appointment daily and simply followed the sun there.

moon for my orientationand frankly didnt need to fret because I had only Im not sure exactly when it started but I realized that I was

beginning to talk to myself. Not only to myself, but to the objects around methe bucket at the well!and the cacti, the coyotes in the night, and most curiously, I was talking to the world. I once found myself standing important, at least at the time. Id read that extended fasting sometimes panicking by thinking I was going loco.

in the middle of the arroyo, speechifying loudly on some point that seemed brought changes in perception, so I accepted this turn of events rather than Something else I noticed: in the beginning, I tended to move around a lot

walking and exploring seemed to take up most of my timeapparently I

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was trying to keep busy in spite of myself. But as time went on I slowed

down, giving more thought to what I was doing. I might take a walk, but might catch my eye, or just sit like a lizard on a rock.

instead of covering miles, Id amble along looking for whatever minutiae On one of my meanderings I came across an anthill, about the size

and shape of a piece of shortcake. I bent over to watch the activity for a

while, and became so fascinated with the ants comings and goings that I sat down to take a closer look. They were, as lore tells us, diligent workers, yet one might say. We have, it seems, a low opinion of ants, thinking of them as slaves to incessant movement. Could our motivation for drawing that I was struck by how much theyd just go around in circles. Stupid creatures,

conclusion be to highlight, by comparison, our enviable sense of free agency as human beings? Pity the poor ants who do what they do because they cant help it, while people with their inherent free will live lives of meaning and self-chosen purpose? Yet as I sat there, the sun maybe too hot on my hat and on my

shoulders, I reflected that sometimes in Santa Fe when Id look down from the upstairs newspaper office to the people in the street below, I wondered, like many of us probably do from time to time, if we ourselves didnt resemble ants just a little.

agency. We chronicle human achievement, we dream of a loftier place.

But we have artists, dissidents, criminals, one might say. That shows

Whos to say that ants in their own way dont? How do we know that ant X down there isnt, in laying his scent trail for others to follow, also adding a expressing hope or disappointment? comment about ant-ness in general or, in some of those scented molecules, Are humans the only creatures with remarkable intelligence? I read

somewhere that if aliens visit the earth, they may prefer to contact cetaceans rather than homo sapiens because of their brainy complexity and, dare one say it, humaneness. And what about rats? Theyre damned smart.

Weve had a running battle with them for millennia and cant defeat them. By all reports, theyre gaining on us. So whos to say that ants arent also

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something more than we give them credit for? This isnt a comment about

ants, I thought as I stared at their frenetic activity, but about us. This was a

question about what we were doing, where we were going. But the sun grew too hot for such questions and I withdrew to the shade of a scraggly juniper for relief. And so the days went. I often found myself picking my way across the open desert like a

prospector with the fever, looking for the gold that I once carried within to the well, drinking the cool water dog-like from the bucket, in the end

myself but had lost. One day I forgot to bring water and barely made it back leaving my face in the remaining water til I was out of breath and had to pull my head out, loudly coughing out the liquid I had inhaled. I went into the cabin and slept. Another day, or the same day, I was standing in the middle of the

dry creekbed, my eyes scanning the horizon from one end of the land to the other as if looking for a sign, when a moving form appeared in my field of And so quietly! I didnt realize hed come up til he was about ten yards vision. It was an Indian, maybe forty years old, walking who knows where. away. He was looking at me with an expressionless face, which is to say

everything was going on inside him. I felt an immediate kinship with him,

not as a man but as a living being, like an ant or a coyote. To acknowledge this I raised my hand in a simple wave. He waved back, kept walking, and was soon out of sight behind a rocky undulation of the land. They know Im here, I thought, and theyre watching out for me. The next thing I down, feeling Meelahnee at my side.

knew, I was sitting atop my sacred perch, staring at the red ball of sun going Dusk came and Venus appeared, and still I sat. Darkness fell, then a

thousand million stars competed for my attention. I saw the Seven Sisters, or six of them, as one is always coy. They kept vigil with me as I sat there in the dark and waited for the answer I knew was coming. I knew it was coming because I could feel it, as if the rock on which I sat was quaking what the answer was even before it came, because I had asked the right

and I could feel the vibration resonating through my body, my mind. I knew

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question. In coming to this hot dry paradise I had posed the question I had

known the answer to all along! I dont know why, but when morning came and all was orange-pink around me, my eyes felt puffy, my lips were salty. my heart felt fuller than it had been in a long time. As I made my way back to the cabin, I saw that my shadow was longer and In my remaining days I focused my energy on the cabin, repairing

what I could and cleaning it as Im sure it hadnt been cleaned beforeall indolence or daydream. I also collected some colored stones and made a

this as a way to crystallize my thoughts so they wouldnt slip away through bird-like pattern in the sand with them. And I began to eat the fruit that Janet had given me, as my purpose for fasting seemed to have been fulfilled now. A couple days later when I was rinsing out my shirt at the well, I heard the sound of a vehicle in the distance. I walked to the front of the cabin and shape of the jeep coming up the road, a dust trail billowing behind it. It The engine sputtered to a standstill. Someone got out of the stood, my hand shading my eyes from the sun, and saw the unmistakable slowed and turned into the drive, but stopped before approaching the cabin. passenger sideit was Meelahnee. She closed the door and stood

motionless, as if she were waiting for a sign from me before breaking into my silent world. Maybe I wasnt finished. Maybe Id gone mad. Maybe I of the desert. had renounced the world at large and decided to live forever in the vastness I looked at her. Even at fifty yards she was something to behold. She seemed

luminous in the desert heat. I was drawn to the brightness and began to walk toward her. As I did so she ran to me and when we met she was all tears and to drink in my thoughts. I embraced her. kisses and smoothing my hair, then she pulled back and looked into my eyes Youve found it! she exclaimed with a joyful tremor in her voice.

world at bay. But now I remember what I am and have always been. fearful power of the hawk, but in your heart you are the dove.

The hawk, I said. It was just a smokescreen. It kept the terrible new Yes, my big boy, she said, touching my cheek; you may possess the

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Three years later. Chapter 19

PART III

magnetthe state government was there and I thought I could maybe work with it or take it on, one or the other. And my friends were reaching the age where hitchhiking up to see me in the back of trucks was getting to be

I never thought Id live in Santa Fe again but it proved to be a

beneath them, though no one came right out and said so. They wouldnt stop doing it on that account, though, so I had to move or put a burden on them they didnt deserve.

the run from John Malik. Id originally high-tailed it because I didnt want

There was no need to hide out in Taos anymore. I was no longer on

to give up the disk before having had a chance to read Stef s manuscript and later put it on the Net, and after that because I was afraid of what I might do to Malik if he came around looking for me again. But that wasnt me and I

didnt want to become that person. Which is what kept me holed up in Bobs studio like a badger in waiting. Yet six weeks in the desert made me realize the unbecoming thoughts of revengeif I were to do the work that needed Finding a job here was no stroll in Prospect Park, either. It took more than ever that all this would have to be put behind methe laying low, to be done. I know Ive said it before, but now I was absolutely certain of it. many dizzying turns of the world on its tilted axis, but I finally managed to get on the staff of one Ron Baker, a New Mexico state senator. My website and a flurry of forward-looking newspaper articles helped with that, apparently painting me as a poor-cousin version of a prodigyor maybe just a curiosity; I dont know which. I was seventeen when I landed that jobtwo years ago nowand no high school diploma! For the last couple of years Ive been using that position as a platform to get at what it means to be an American, and what it could mean if wed put a little more thought into it. Ron indulges me, I guess because I generate press for him,

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something independents desperately need.

or two off my chosen path, shes all over me. We actually get a good laugh out of it sometimes. I asked her to stay in Taos to finish schoolI saw her almost every weekendand when she graduated, not that long ago really, we tied the golden knot. How can I describe it? The girl in the painting turned out to be astonishingly better in the fleshand what flesh! What a her remarkable understanding. And the incredible purity of her love.

Meelahneegod, what a reign shes had. If I step more than an inch

world she opened up for me! But what held me fast to her was her wisdom, She got a job here working with a local food provider for indigenous

people, seems happy with what shes doing, and never complains about the hours. taking in the last rays of the sun. Without you it was.

Last night she rolled up in the back seat of a rusty Ford as I sat on the porch Hard day? I asked as she came up the steps and sat next to me. I put my arm around her and she nestled against my neck. Its times like

this that I wanted to make a world for her where shed never get hurt, never want. And these times were constant.

over for some enchilada delight this Friday. What do you think? that mesquite smokes going to do him in. But you luvs dem rabbits

I talked to Sarah today, she said, sitting up straight. I invited the gang I think like you do. And itll get Jack away from the grill for a change

ready. Jack showed up firsthe usually did when food was involvedand sat down at the picnic table as Lahnee and I stuck some homemade paper lanterns on sticks into the ground. go get em?

Friday came fast and we finished work early and started getting things

Got some pheasants hanging in the shed, he said earnestly. Want me to Naw, we got it covered tonight, I replied, smiling at Meelahnee. We knew

Jack like a Baptist his admonitions of St Pauland wouldnt change him a bit.

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So, hows the politics biz? Still working on thatwhats it called? Position paper. Yeah, thats it. Whats that all about, anyway?

idea of moderation? Were trying to get at the idea that theres no balance in this country. Everythings got to be extremeyoure either right or

Its about bringing back the golden mean. You know, Benjamin Franklins

youre left, youre good or youre bad, youre a red-state sympathizer or a blue-state sympathizer, youre a success or youre a failure, youre either everyone so damned concerned about which one you are. Anyway, Ron thinks itll stir up some debate. attractive or youre unattractivetheres precious little middle groundand

steppin on up, kid. Whaddya think, Lahn?

Oh, so its Ron now. Used to be, the senator this, the senator that. Youre I think hell go as far as he can see, Meelahnee replied. Here, try the dip. He dug in as she started to go inside to get the food ready.

Its got something newfive bucks if you can tell what it is.

golden mean stuff again?

Darn, girl. Little chunksa okra, tastes like. So, Shakespeare, whats this I tried to spell it out as clearly as I couldhow even easy-going

New Mexicans were climbing ontoor being pushed ontothe mad

whirligig of globalization, taking them to all manner of extremes. They were becoming very rich or very poor, very sick, very powerful, very lonely, very busy, and hardly anything in between. Again, there was little balance and in the position paper we were trying to get at what that might mean for us as a nation. Jack nodded in agreement, saying even he could feel the spin,

though it was completely absent from his boyhood. He said he didnt want

to get caught up in it but only watch it from afar, yet it still made him dizzy Franklin, too, one of his high school favorites, because the guy invented lightning, and was quite the ladies man in France. Apparently, no more

sometimes. He was satisfied with my explanation, then, and was okay about

needed to be said. Oh, except to sing Lahnees praises. Since shes been with

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me in Santa Fe, hed commented more than once about how nicely shes coming along, as he put it. Youre one lucky guy, ya know, he said wistfully. Meelahnees voice came out the kitchen window. Did you hear that, Ben? Yeah, I heard it. Lets not forget it.

No chance of that, is there?

and more like a handsome, if still dark, young woman. She had resoundingly beaten her meth habit, and to this day insists it wasnt so much an addiction as her personal statement about the culture. Trusting her as I do, Im happy to take her at her word. Thats not to say I dont worry about her.

Sarah showed up with Drewshe was looking less like a wraith now

Fe branch. If people think I make a lot of noise now, just wait til I become a doctor, she had said. Think how loud my voicell be then. She and Jack each took a toke.

Shes working at a womens clinic and studying part-time at UNMs Santa

Drew went inside to help Lahnee. Sarah produced a joint, which she lit up. Talk about your one-hit dope! Jack laughed after finally exhaling. I declined as usual, not because I didnt get off on it. Lahnee and

Sarah turned to me. How about it, Ben?

I had had our share of weed in the past, but once we realized it made

simple things complex, we decided to forgo. After all, our goal was just the understandable to that world out there.

oppositeto make the complex simple; that is, if we were to make our ideas In a moment I could hear what sounded like Yo-Yo Ma coming

out the bedroom window. Not your usual accompaniment to enchiladas,

but dont knock it. Soon Drew and Lahnee came out with assorted platters decent table manners. my enchilada.

and in about two seconds flat we were tucking in like pigs with reasonably Youre branching out, I said to Drew as I scooped more sour cream onto

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now. Yeah, the cellos all right. Its really good, actually. And sos the French horn. God, I couldnt believe how many sounds the horn could make. Some just by shoving in a fist! Oh, hes on a roll, Sarah chimed in. Next thing you know, itll be I doubt thatyou know I cant stand country music, he retorted.

Youre just now noticing? Ive been listening to other stuff for a long time

Pachelbel and his infuriating Canon.

glass of ice tea to her lips.

I thought he was classical or something, Lahnee said before raising a Yeah, I explained, but people say the Canons chord progressions are Orchestral, not classical, Drew corrected.

like the ones in country songs.

watching a ping pong match. He even stopped eating for the duration, something quite unlike him. So, Ben, did you hear? Sarah asked. I got accepted in the pre-med You owe me a five-spot, Jack interjected, looking at Lahnee.

A stoned Jack was following this conversation like someone

program. I go full-time from next month.

conversation this referred to.

What for? Drew asked, looking like he was wondering which part of the I was right, wasnt I? Jack continued. It was okra, right? Sarah more or less blanked on this and went on.

You got your five bucks, Jackrabbit, she answered mirthfully. So I figure physicsll be the only problem. I already aced Chem I and II, so I can help you with physics, Drew said. Did you know that music and

its the physics. What do you think, Ben?

math are really the same thing? People dont realize it but Bach was one of the worlds great mathematicians.

I asked Ben, she said, her slightly dreamy eyes never having left mine. Its not the physics, Sarah, I said; its the desire. She reflected a moment in her zoned-out state. What the hells that supposed to mean? Drew asked.

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I know exactly what he means, Drew. Thanks, Ben. Drew was slightly miffed. inhabit, isnt it. When you and Jack get stoned its just a fascinating little world you So what do you think of the dip? Lahn asked Jack.

and we all laughed.

Top drawer, he said in a voice unintentionally sounding like a connoisseur, Whats so funny? he asked somewhat sheepishly.

You, ya big nut, Sarah laughed. Jesus, I love you, Jack.

ol Lahn a compliment, would ya? Ben, I dont know what you did, but you us should be so lucky.

I love you, too. I love ya all to pieces. Now shut the hell up so I can give

really hit the numbers when you found Princess Meelahnee here. The rest of I believe you said that already, Jack. Yeah yeah, I guess I did. There was a silence of words after this, a stillness filled with the

simple murmur of a cello. Jack was chewing quietly. Lahnee was looking up at the stars. Sarah put her arm around Drew. I looked at my family with reverence and awe, wondering how I was going to single-mindedly

accomplish my greater purpose in this world and at the same time hold this uncommon bunch together, two impossible tasks that seemed light-years apart.

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Chapter 20 State Senator Ron Bakers speech at the World Affairs Council in

San Diego didnt set any attendance records but was received with rapt of it for him and sat in the back row when he gave it.

attention and a flurry of questions at the end. I ought to knowI wrote most As Ron was an independent, he had to scratch for every inch of

territory he could get. Some have a gimmickformer entertainers, self-

made millionaires, mainstream party mavericks breaking away, that sort of thing. In Rons case his tongue was thousand-grain silver. He used it, too. He was ambitious and had no intention of being shoved aside in the noisy

marketplace that is the American consciousness, so he spoke anywhere and everywhere at the least hint of an invitation. Because he was busy with his senate duties, someone had to provide him with a steady stream of material. That person, for the most part, was me. Of course, he could have given the same speech over and overmany politicians dobut he was too proud a creature for that. So a symbiotic relationship seems to have developed, me helping him get his face out there and him helping me get out my ideas his crutch.

and I dont mean this in a cynical way. He wasnt my mouthpiece nor was I We were invited to an informal reception at the council presidents

house afterward. It was in La Jolla, a modern-day fairyland of brick-

and-mortar dreams far from my modest experience in the New Mexico those of you in the know.

highlands. I saw it all from the back seat of a white Mercedes. S Class, for President Timothy was on top of his three Mexican maids all

evening, making sure they kept the guests watered and fed. Champagne and fingerfood were the backbone of the operation, though I stuck to ginger ale. quintessential stand-up party, Ive heard a lot about you. Ron says youve agents being involved in that commune fire up in Montana. So, Ben, he said to me while on a brief hiatus from orchestrating the

got a fascinating website up and running. And some document about federal

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yes, Ive got evidence of government involvementthough anecdotalup on the website, but thats only about one percent of what the manuscript is about.

It wasnt actually a commune. More like a Greek polis, a city-state. And

under the Patriot Act.

Thats risky stuff nowadays. Im surprised you havent been hauled in Yeah, I write about that on the website, too. Im still waiting for the knock

on the door. But indifference is also a powerful tool. You know, figuring

theres enough noise in the culture to keep peoples minds on other things. you: what was your vision of the world? Our world, or yours?

Fair enough. So what was that place like? Or I guess I should probably ask

without suspicion.

Apparently that took him by surprise. He eyed me cautiously, though

Id like to hear the distinction, if you dont mind.

bit of fine-tuning required, thats your world. If, on the other hand, you have a clear sense that something is very wrong, youre approaching our world. On the website, Im just offering some suggestions for an alternative.

Its fairly simple. If you believe that things are fine as they are, with just a

around us and possibly the need to be sure everything was going well, lets assume that Im disillusioned with it allwhats the alternative?

Lets assume for a moment, he said, partially distracted by the activity

that we live by are part of the problem. My aim is to dissect those illusions happiness coming from things like money, celebrity, autonomy, sexual prowess, joining the elite of some field, or even more mundane things

Disillusioned is a good word. Actually, Im convinced that the illusions

like a more pleasing complexion, whiter teeth, more appliances around the house. I pick all these things apart piece by piece on my blog. As for the alternativeone that Ive already lived until it was abruptly taken away its spelled out in Stefan Langs book about Albemarle, which is posted on the website. Hes also an eyewitness to the fire. Cant you give me just a taste of it now?

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In an age of the sound bite, maybe he was craving a little dab on his tongue. I am giving you a taste of it now. If he was too busy to go to the website, well, that was also a sign of the

times. He shifted his weight, maybe a little uncomfortably, I couldnt be sure, and looked over my shoulder.

maid appeared at my side. What was it, whisky and soda? Ginger ale.

Ah, Consuelo. A fresh drink for our man Ben here, he said as a nubile

later, and lots of it, too. Bring him a ginger ale, dear, and another Mot for me. She took our glasses emotionlessly and disappeared.

Ginger ale! Well, youre young yet. Therell be plenty of time to drink

second wife. Still, one gets used to them easily enough. In any case, theres someone Id like to introduce you to, though unfortunately hes not here you a jingle in Santa Fe.

Im not one for maids, really, he said apologetically. They came with my

tonight. Have you got a card? Ill try to set up a meeting sometime and give I fished a business card from my wallet and handed it to him.

Im going to see that everyones topped up. Have you tried the caviar? Its Iranian. Consuelo delivered our drinks and both she and my host melted

Thanks, he said, slipping it into his pocket. Now mingle, would you?

seamlessly into the crowd. the arm.

Id hardly wet my whistle when a shape fluttered toward me and took me by Benjamin, isnt it? a dolled-up woman asked me, towing me toward a

table of canaps. I wont stand for it if you wont eat something. Im Tims wife, though you probably already know that.

at the moment, I had a sense that there was another glass just around the sweetly.

She had a rosy glow of champagne and although her hand was empty

corner. She loaded some specialties onto a china plate and handed it to me

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about your fast so I guess its not that big a deal for you. You look surprised. you were working for him, I made Tim invite the both of you. And truth be that you wrote it. Am I right? You dont have to answerI wont put you prosciutto. My own little concoction.

Youre probably hungryI havent seen you eat a thingbut I read

Yes, I know all about you. Rons a dear friend of ours and when we found out known, when I heard Rons speech tonight, there was no doubt in my mind on the spot. Itll be our little secret. Here, try this one; its goat cheese with I downed it as delicately as I couldI hadnt had a bite since the

crustless sandwich on the plane around noonholding the plate and my glass in one hand while I ate with another. Its really good, I said and she was just short of beaming.

long after your fast to write about it? According to what I read, it was three years ago. I thought a moment and as I did, her eyes were on me intently.

Now tell me, Ben. I can call you Ben, cant I? Tell me, why did you wait so

Unlike her husband, who seemed unable to refrain from scanning the me and me alone.

crowded rooms with a managerial demeanor, she focused her attention on Well, Im not sure I know the answer to that. I write a lotmaybe too

much for people to digest, reallybut I only write about something when it seems like its ready to be said. I dont have much control over it.

time, right? I understand completely. Now what about this: the ant story.

Inspiration. Thats what youre talking about, isnt it. No wine before its

You wrote that when you were in the desert, you watched ants and wondered why people wouldnt consider that they could be purposeful, or hopeful, things like that. Oh, Consuelo, another champagne, please. Now Ben, if you dont mind, isnt it possible that you were being a littlewhats the

wordanthropomorphic about the whole thing? I mean, we dress chimps up in frocks and make them dance, but that doesnt mean they enjoy dancing, though we certainly enjoy watching them do it.

She was testing me, I could feel it. But why shouldnt she? No doubt shed

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met her share of con artists. It seems like whenever you say something

off the beaten path in this land far removed from Albemarle, peoples first reaction is to see it as a con. Id just give it to her straight and hope shed receive it in the same spirit.

of the worlds so-called lesser species. That doesnt necessarily mean they they felt.

I said that because maybe we cant see the personal or even heroic qualities

dont have them. Like I wrote, it was a comment about how we felt, not how We want them to have human qualities though, dont we? Why do we love

animal stories? You know, talking pigs, noble horses, loyal dogs. Isnt it pride?

because we want to remake the savage world over in our own image? Isnt it Or is it just the opposite? That we fear were lacking somehow, so we

exalt human feelingaggrandizing ourselves by projecting those feelings

onto animals? But look at the result. The animals are demeaned because we know that an elephant couldnt possibly enjoy a joke or a moose couldnt meditate in the woods. By doing this seemingly cute or heartwarming projection of human qualities onto animals, we end up denying them their intelligence, which I suggested could in some cases be superior to our own. By looking for the human in them, which were positive they dont havethats what makes it seem cuteit absolves us of the duty to take understanding prevents it. with the utmost decorum. them on their own terms, a duty we dont want to admit because our limited She took a slender glass from the maid and downed a healthy slug, though I just cant accept that conclusion, dear, she continued, and Ill tell

you why. I took up your challenge, though you didnt express it as such, and spent some time watching ants. They just seemed to go around in circles, like you said. And this one particular fellowI had to laughwas making and foop! He fell through a hole. I mean, if hes so smart, or sensitive or whatever, why would he fall in a hole?

a beeline for something or other at top speed across this piece of sheet metal

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How do you know he didnt jump in the hole? There you go, putting a frock on a chimp. Am I? It seems to me Im just saying we dont know why he fell in a

hole. Maybe a mortal enemy was nearby. Maybe the sheet metal was stupidity is putting a frock on a chimp, dont you think?

burning his feet. To say he didnt intend to but did it out of carelessness or She finished off her drink and I could see she was glancing around

for someone to top her up. Was she here competing with her husband or just trying to hold her own among the San Diego intelligentsia? Or was she curiosity? Like ants, peoples motives were obscure as well, though we simply our Sarah twenty years later looking for ways to express her native loved to impute them, human and animal alike. I tried my hand at it myself when I could. At my age, I was still hard at work on the learning curve.

was going to call Meelahnee before turning in.

Later that night at the hotelthe party was overRon asked me if I

We dont use the phone much if we can help it, I replied.

Why not? he asked, reaching into his jacket pocket for his cell phone. communicate. I guess we just dont want anything mediating between us when we He laughed a short little champagne laugh.

animation.

Care to elaborate? he asked, holding his phone in hand as if in suspended Why put a machine between us if we dont have to? So how do you communicate, then? ESP? Is my credibility at stake?

If that were true, you wouldnt be sitting where you are now, would you. reflect together. We try to send sustaining thoughts. Okay, then. Its a marriage of the minds, so to speak. We pick a time, and He nodded pensively, then hit speed-dial on his phone.

wait, he chuckled; dont say anything. Just send me your thoughts.

Youll excuse me, then, if Im not quite there yet. Yeah, honey, its me. No,

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Chapter 21 The days passed like so many leaves falling from the quaking aspens

adorning the glades in the Sangre de Cristo Mountains around Santa Fe. now; Sarah was struggling with physics in her pre-med course at UNM; Drew got a new job at a gaming company adding soundtracks to video

Lahnee was working hard at the food program officeshe was a supervisor

games with names like Bonecrusher and Demolition Derby; Jack was culinary talents were as yet undiscoveredand I was stalking the halls of like someone building a castle using toy blocks one at a time. Yes, things were humming right along in Santa Fe.

working part-time at two restaurantsnot as a cook but as a busboy, as his the state senate by day and pulling late nights adding pieces to the website

The mysterious personage I was supposed to meet was one Mike Mackie,

It was early October when I got a call from Timothy in San Diego.

U.S. Senator from California. He also lived in La Jolla and was one of Tims neighbors. Apparently I was invited to a dinner party at the Mackies, sans Ron or even Tim and his wifeI never did get her name.

hitchhikewe caught easy rides all the time up to see Bob in Taos no

Flying was out because of our budget, so Id have to take the bus or

sweatbut when I talked it over with Lahnee, she insisted I go by plane, to let the esteemed Senator know I wasnt showing up with hat in hand. She was clever that wayunderstanding the power differential thingmaybe looking up, as she put it. Well, it would clean out our bank account to fly because she had heaps of experience being on the bottom of the totem pole but wed still have food on the table, so I agreed. She even coached me how to act: Just be yourself and not one scintilla different. She was like Sue that way, coming up with vocabulary out of nowhere all the time, and never hesitating to use it. Im not ever going to let you be ashamed of me, she once said, though I was already certain of that. As far as I was concerned, who was I to stand in her way?

she had a dignity beyond words, and now that she wanted to add words to it,

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summer is back promotionand less than two weeks later I rolled up to a thought in my mind other than to listen to what was said and say what I

I was lucky enough to get a cheap ticket to San Diegosome

substantial brick and red tile house in a Yellow Cab. There was no particular needed to say, something along those lines. When Lahnee had seen me off at the departure gate, she took my handshe never kissed in publicand told me shed have Jack over to do up DEM DE-LISH RABBITS on my return, which to me was more endearing than having her coo some insipid little devotions. I loved that Lahnee to her last inch, and she loved me back, that girl. Id entrancewayheld up by four massive pillarswithout the slightest simple. hardly wanted to let her hand go. Thus armed, I strolled up to the houses trepidation. I came hungry and someone was putting on a feed. It was that Mackie didnt answer his own doorthe maid, a diminutive

Guatemalan, did. I was ushered into a study for a pre-dinner dram with the men. The Senator greeted me immediately, shaking my hand and pouring me a tiny glass of something or other.

So this is the estimable Benjamin Cross who Tim keeps telling me about. Good to meet you, Senator. Ive read your draft bill on rescinding the

Patriot Act.

supporting it publicly.

I doubt if itll pass, but well try. Senator Kline and I are the only ones People forget about Adams Alien and Sedition Acts and how they also

went against American principles, like you noted in your opening. Even Jefferson was suspect! We dont seem to learn from history, do we.

Security Act, just to bring things more up to date.

Not to mention Trumans Loyalty Program or the Nixon-McCarran Internal The kid does his homework I see, he laughed to the other two men in

the room, each with a drink in hand. Ben, this is Fred Carver from my Washington staff. Nice meeting you, I said, shaking his hand.

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neighbors of mine in this bit of paradise we call home. Hello, Ben. Hello, Larry.

And this is Larry Burns, whos with the State Department. Both

So tell me, Ben; how did you get mixed up in this Albemarle business?

The ladies are elsewhereby the pool, I thinkwell get to them later. I explained it as briefly and apolitically as I couldI wasnt sure

who I was dealing with yetand when the Senator seemed satisfied I wasnt a crackpot or millenarian, the subject was dropped and hardly a word was Instead we talked about the War on TerrorMike felt he had to step with said about my past or the content of my website for the rest of the evening. little cat feet sometimes because of the touchiness of the subject and the fact that one didnt know nowadays who ones friends were. Later at the dinner table, I heard some lively stories about our Revolutionary heroes, some ribald enough to make a couple of the ladies blush. Hamilton copped it the most, but Jefferson and Madison werent exempt, Jefferson in particular mined with glee over his Dusky Sally, though all in good fun. The laughter and the wine and the flashing of silver and crystal

were hypnotic, and there in the candlelight one could almost imagine being a member of a Revolutionary cabal enjoying a last convivial meal before taking up positions against the advancing Redcoats the following morning.

The ease with which the experience went down was seductive, and when it that it ended so soon. Mackie sent me back to the Airport Hotel by car and driver and that was it. I began to wonder why I had been summoned. The

was over and people said their last goodbyes at the door, I was disappointed

next noon I was back in Santa Fe and in a pair of arms that wouldnt let go. of animalian delight, broken only by forays to the fridge for refueling. We

After lunch, Lahnee and I spent the rest of the afternoon in the thrall

finished off with eskimo pies, one of Lahnees favorites. Then we dressed barelyand headed for our respective work stations; me to my desktop for my usual and her to her craft corner, where she was nearly finished with a

pair of deerskin moccasins. Thats where we stayed til dinner time, happy as

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a couple of earth-dawn doves living on love and not giving a hoot or a tweet about anything else. Jack showed up with two rabbits on a string and a bag of mesquite chips.

With a nod but not a wordhis face said it allhe walked through to the back door and outside to get things started. Told ya, Lahnee said, looking up from her stitching.

coals having been lit and the mesquite standing by, he was skinning the rabbits.

I put some finishing touches on a blog entry and joined him out back. The

senator now, right?

Not happy with the state senator, you gotta rub shoulders with a U.S. Lahnee tell you?

Like a cheerleader with braggin rights. Oh, yeah. Ron.

Well, it wasnt my idea. A friend of Rons set it up. He spoke with neither malice nor envy. It was just his way of doing

a running commentary on what was happening around him. Before I could give him a witty comeback, my cell phone rang.

Yes, that sounds good. Ill have to think about it, for sure, and talk to my Im sure shed like to meet you, too. Okay, Id like that. Yes, shes never let me know. Yeah, okay; me, too. All right, see you. Bye. chocolate sundae.

Hello? Speaking. Not bad; how about you? Okay. When would that be?

wife. Didnt Tim tell you? Yes, weve been married about four months now. been out of New Mexico. Really? I wouldnt want to put you out. Okay, just So I take it that was good news? Its dripping down your face like a damn Talk about coincidencesthat was Senator Mackie. Hes up for re-election

next year and says if he makes it, he wants to talk to me about joining his staff.

to Washington?

No kidding! Youre kidding, right? So what does that mean? You gotta go I guess Id have to. Jeez, I hate to even think about it. Anyway, its not a

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sure thing, amigo, and he still wants to talk more about it. Invited me and Lahn to stay a day or two at their place in La Jolla sometime after New Years.

the gang could hop up for the weekend. If I went to the other side of the country, when would I see them? coon does.

I could see mixed emotions on Jacks face. At least when I lived in Taos

I heard they got coons back East, he said hopefully. Grills up real nice,

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Chapter 22 A few days later Sarah called me at work.

massaging my neck with my free hand. The bus station?

Whats up? I said, pulling my face away from my PC screen and Im at the station, she said cryptically. The police station. Can you come? This is my phone call.

senate office for the freedom of my bike. The wind felt good on my face. Soon I was double-locking my ride in the rack and bounding through the station doors. the counter.

Ill be there in ten, I said and left the wood and leather confines of the

Sarah Thomas, I said with proper authority to the duty officer manning Down the hall, Room Eight.

cranky-looking policewoman. Sarah got up, her face hot. Whats this all about? I asked.

I found Sarah in Room Eight sitting across a scratched formica table from a

Detective Cerna here. She thinks she knows all about me. accessible.

Ask her, Sarah replied with more than a hint of condescension. Ask Sit down, both of you, Cerna said, trying to sound both tough and We sat side by side in molded plastic chairs.

been extremely protective of Sarah ever since that day three years ago when Id had to visit her in Albuquerque. True to her word, she proved to be the master of the drug, even as it had ruled her brain with all the ruthlessness of a sadist on full arousal. She had been on her feet ever since and wore

Well, Officer Cerna? I said, maybe too strongly, for me at least. But Id

the experience like a badge to harangue or cajole anyone she thought was helping prop up the cultural edifice she believed with growing conviction knewor thought I knewthat any wavering of her will might send her was crumbling all around us. Even so, I kept a close eye on her, because I

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back into the maelstrom.

with smart-mouthed kids rich and poor who passed defiantly through these hallowed halls. Im a friend of hers. Benjamin Cross.

And you are? Detective Cerna countered, no doubt well-acquainted

Cross?

Benjamin Cross journalist, state senate staffer? she said. That Benjamin You seem to know more about me than I know about you, but Im sure Its a small town. Some people around here have big mouths. Ive probably

thats going to change.

heard em all. Ms Thomas here keeps trying to add hers to the racket

and Ive told her more than once to stay out of it. She seems to think that

midnight spree she went on a couple of years back with the nudity and the end of it. But no, shes got to keep inching over the line, pushing peoples buttonsI never knew if she was back on drugs or its just an act. Now I know. I turned to Sarah.

broken windows was just the beginning, and I keep telling her that was the

Whats she talking about? you.

Tell him the charge, Detective. Itll sound more convincing, coming from Youre going to regret taking this so lightly, Sarah. Then to me: Felony What substance?

possession of a restricted substance. Methamphetamine.

and began to speak as if Cerna werent in the room.

The moment my heart was sinking, Sarah put her face close to mine

things are going in this country, right? And planning to do a lot moreyou know my style, Ben. You use tact, I step on toes. And you know how some toes just will not be stepped on. So a certain somebody, or somebodies, thought it might be expedient or just plain fun to shut me up for a while. A

You know Ive been creating kind of a tempest on campus about the way

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well-placed call to campus police, a perfunctory search of a backpack,

oh look, a packet of meth there enough to light up a small city, a call to good behavior. Did you get the good behavior part? Officer Cerna broke in as if out of nowhere.

Detective Cerna, and here I am. Possibly facing three to five, maybe less for

everything down?

I dont understand you, Sarah. Whats so wrong that you want to tear You dont know? Thats part of the problem, then, isnt it. Everything

looks good to you, as long as everybody plays by the rules. You dont feel the ground shaking under your feet. Well, I do. door, or how many. I see plenty of bad, believe me. You have no idea who comes through that And thats a symptom of what? Sarah asked, to no reply and a look with So, Ben, she continued to me, Im the captain of the ship here. I took on

no discernable meaning.

the beast back then, I slew it righteously, and now like the ancient mariner, I just keep milking the story for whatever I can get out of it. No way would I Officer Cerna here doesnt see that. Shed just as soon see me remanded go back so I could end up dying in an alley or selling my body on the street. to a womens detention center and out of her hair. I create a little too much bother for the people shes duty-bound to protect and serve, so shes been the pretty little rose bush she thinks of as Santa Fe. lid on. more or less obligated to keep an eye on me. Now itll be one less thorn in

I turned to Cerna with a growing intensity I was trying hard to keep a

high she was interested init was peoples souls! But you dont know about that, do you, Detective. Youve had three years to watch and listen, and you still dont know what shes about. And now you want to stick her away

You think shes a drug addict? She told me years ago that it wasnt a

somewhere? Its not going to happen. With all due respect, Im going to stop you if you think youre going to put her in front of a judge. This isnt Salem and believe me, I wont let that happen.

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Maybe thats the way to go, Sarah interjected.

Are you kidding? I wont let you go through that.

Ben, dear, its really not your choice. Suddenly youre the captain now? I knew I couldnt argue with Sarah if her mind was made up. of noise, let the whole thing backfire on them. knowing what to make of it all. Besides, she continued, a trial may be just what the doctor ordered. Lots Detective Cerna was watching us like a first-time Kabuki goer, not

as the enemy, when shes one of the best friends this townll ever have. cauterize.

What you dont seem to realize, Detective, I said, is that you see Sarah

Im telling you shes here to heal. Its just that her way of doing that is to Cerna looked at me blankly. I could see that she was looking for a moment Dont you see? I continued. She does what she does out of a sense of Five or ten long seconds passed, and the detective asked me to wait

of truth, an inspiration. moral obligation.

outside. I gave Sarahs shoulder a touch as I got up and exited the room. telling what would come next but I immediately began planning how to

Walking up the corridor to the reception area, I took a seat. There was no prevent these hired guns from sacrificing Sarah on the altar of law and order. For sure Ron would be the first person Id talk to, as even clean politicians had kowtowed to influential people or had such people kowtow to them.

And if he or his connections couldnt lend a hand, Id go all the way to Mike Mackie in the U.S. Senate. He could probably have Cernas ass in a sling do I always need to be the hawk out here? quick. God, listen to me. Whats become of the conciliatory mediator? Why My unpleasant reflection was interrupted by an ebullient Sarah who Youre my guy! she said.

appeared suddenly and plopped down beside me.

Only if youll let me. What happened in there?

Well, it wasnt my good looks, so it mustve been something you said. The

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ol gals letting me off with a warning. Trs cool, nest-ce pas? No witch trial, then. It was tempting, but I couldve lost big-time, and then what would I was much relieved.

happen to med school? Just when Im getting my head around physics!

Tell me one thing, though. Do you really intend to practice medicine? senate work; nobly, to stand on and spout off. Hopefully we can do some I.

Its a platform, dear, a platform. Im going to use medicine like you use

good in this world. Mind if I give you a hug? Youve earned it and so have I stood up and gave the girl a proper squeezeshe was definitely

warming up to me, Sarah was.

refund, I said for some comic relief. tilt.

If I had a sister shed be just like youor Id sure enough demand a Youre a salty dog, you are. Now get back to work; weve got windmills to We said our goodbyes and went our own ways. That night over

dinner I related the story to Meelahnee and her eyes sparkled.

warrior, my medicine man. Come to the bedchamber, my darling, I think I want you right now.

Youre my Sitting Bull, she gushed, much to my embarrassment. My

failed to indulge her, such was the sublime bond we could forge between us in the fire of our passion. Even so, later as we lay among its dying embers I ever going to survive this dreadful world we lived in. couldnt stop my mind from wandering to thoughts of Sarah, and if she was

She was always ready at a moments notice to express her desire and I never

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Chapter 23 Drew asked me to stop by his office when I finished work. I say

office but his was a cubicle among cubicles and there was barely enough

room to fit a second chair in. Still, his salary was prodigious and he got to tap away at a keyboard and play with a mouse all day. Youre living the dream, Jack sometimes teased, often to Drews irritation.

over his ears, he was nodding to a beat no one else could hear. I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned. Take a load off, he said, removing the headset and motioning to a chair. Believe I will. Ive been running around all day. Big vote, huh? Tough fight?

When I arrived, he was one of the few still working. Headphones

Yeah, Rons bill on challenging domestic spying in the state. Its not going over too well with the homeland security crowd. But hes

trying to tighten up New Mexico law in order to keep innocents out of the hungry jaws. Not a lot of insurgents here, eh? Except maybe for Sarah. I gave him a look of mock consternation. Good boy. So whats up?

Okay, okay, he said, no picking on the gang unless theyre here. His enthusiasm perked up immediately.

his PC. A moment later he brought up a website and angled the screen toward me.

Theres something I want to show you, he said, swiveling his chair toward

photos from the front, side, interior and so on.

Whats this? I asked, looking at a red convertible that was displayed in Porsche. Three years old, twenty-one thousand miles. Never driven in the The dealers logo says Phoenix; that explains why it was never driven in

rain. Mint condition. One owner. What do you think? the rain, I noted wryly.

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No, seriously. What do you think of it? Im thinking about buying it. Youre kidding. Im not kidding.

You know my opinion of cars. Whats so special here?

car? How are you going to chill your margaritas?

Global warming is gobbling up the worlds ice and youre going to buy a Its a small one. The Boxster, not the full-sized model.

fully-developed transportation system. It had been quite a shock for me to two-wheeled crates, two massive tons of steel to carry around a hundredeighty-pound person.

Like I told Jack, we had no cars at Albemarle, though we had a

be suddenly thrust into a world of what seemed at the time like monstrous

Buick he saw parked at the curb after taking mescaline? Refresh my memory. So? What of it? Uncontrollable laughter. Drew was digging in his heels.

Hey, Drew. Remember Aldous Huxleys reaction to that bulbous chromed

name of the book, remember?and the reality of what he saw made him laugh.

Just that the drug opened the doors of perception for himthat was the

with him. He wanted to dance to the seductive tune he saw others stepping to. Dont we all? Even the strongest usually end up giving in, or how else could we live? As pariahs? Hermits? Drew just wanted to join the party. Still, I wasnt going to make it easy for him.

He wasnt getting the response from me he wanted, and I sympathized

the earth is doomed. There wouldnt be any environment left to live in. So Im supposed to save the world? Arent you? Who else will?

You know, dont you, I said, that if all the worlds people lived like we do,

Would Drew succumb to this version of the American Dream Jack

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aimed his barbs at? Boy makes good, boy buys Porsche, boy gets girl, boy yet natural world, free from excess but abundant in pleasures? Why have we come to embrace Hamilton, who whored after things in order to have something to show and thus measure up? Sure, he came close to great. Hence his insatiable need for things? And can the same be said about us? Why else the treadmill?

mounts treadmill for life? Where was Jefferson and his dreaman elegant

greatness, but when one reads about his life, its clear that he never felt that

of it. He had already complained to me vociferously about his lack of dating pull. With a bike ones options are definitely limited.

Whats wrong with your bike? I almost asked Drew but thought better

see now and then when he went back to visit his parents. The guy was in

Stef told me a story once, I said. He had a friend in Rochester who hed

medical sales and making a bundle but he didnt like the hustle and finally gave it up for a part-time job in a bookstore. He spent the rest of the time painting watercolors. He was happy. But of course, after a few years his lifestyle was pretty basic. I have a feeling a morals coming.

a few drinks and meet a classy woman. Someone he really clicked with. If all went well he might invite her back to his place, but when theyd get to back windowher ardor would suddenly cool and shed beg off. want me to suffer? No.

Why dont you wait and find out? So sometimes this guy would go out for

the parking lot and she got a load of his ridea rusty Taurus with a cracked See? he piped in buoyantly. Thats what Im saying! Is that the fate you

really did understand his predicament. If I hadnt found Lahnee, who knows what stratagems I might be trying right now to have someone warm by my side? Sure, its laudable to say that women arent attracted to one degree or another by the car, the job, the future, but out here, beyond the gates

I just wanted to show him that beyond my disapproval of his plan, I

of Albemarle, the evidence seems unmistakable. In any case, there was no

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question but that Id support Drew, and hope that in the long run hed do right. I suppose it has a good sound system, I said, testing the waters. Bose. Now I knew he was going to buy the darned thing. He probably just

wanted my blessingmaybe to counteract Jacks inevitable ragging and no doubt Sarahs, too, when she found out. Its not cheap, I said, not willing to jump on his bandwagon but rather to Ive got the money. Fact of life.

comment on it as it went by. Soften him up a bit. Insurancell be high on a car like that.

and for a month or so you drive around Santa Fe like Pharaoh touring his realm. Then you park it, ride your bike to work and just use the car when you need it. After all, by then everyonell know you have it. The chick-

Okay, how about this, I said with an exaggerated sigh. You buy the car,

magnet factor will already be in play, even when youre on the bike. And

youll get extra points from some people for being green. When its time for a date, you show up in the Porsche. Best of both worlds, dont you think? I searched his face for emotion, and thought I saw some relief. You drive a hard bargain. Just tell me if its something you can live with, I replied. Knowing Drew, he would hold out for more. work? How about three months driving around, and the occasional drive to Okay, try this. Six weeks on Pharaohs tour and only drive to work when He held out his hand. Deal.

youve got something to carry.

dealer.

We shook on it and he sent an immediate e-mail to the Phoenix

One more thing, he said, not unlike a kid craving that one more

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piece of candy. You come with me to Phoenix to pick it up and well drive back together. Ill pay bus fare. Clever guy. That might just blunt Jack and Sarahs inevitable

onslaught a bitgive him some measure of credibility, so to speak, if I rode shotgun. Deal. But dont rub their noses in it. And I pay my own bus fare. Whose noses? I think you know. Of course he did. Okay, so its settled then? he asked expectantly. You tell me. Is it? You know I keep my word.

shiny new toy is parked in the driveway next to the old ten-speed. fully committing.

He says that now, I laughed. Lets see what happens when that He hesitated before replying, as if to test his thesis mentally before If you think Ill cave, I aim to prove you wrong, he finally asserted. I look forward to it, then.

he asked me to stop by, he relaxed a little and started talking about his new game idea. Im actually writing real music now. Before, it was mostly intros and

That bit of business taken care of, which was obviously the reason

sound effects. You knew that, didnt you? That part of the reason they hired me was to create sound effects? to it. You said something like that, yeah, but I didnt think they could hold you You got that right. A crescendo here, an arpeggio there, and I gradually

sucked em in. Now Im proposing a virtual operettamusic from

beginning to end, but where the program selects the music and segues it in

according to the choices the player makes playing the game. Get my drift? that. So how it works for the player is still kinda hazy to me.

Conceptually, maybe, since Ive never actually played a game. You know

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the conscious level; you see it, youre aware of it. But the music, altering

Well, the game itselfthe visuals, the actionthats all taken in on

during the course of the game by virtue of the players actionsthat works on the subconscious level. Threat, tension, mortal danger, or freedom from all those will be reflected musically, behind the visuals so to speak. So the intensity of the game increases, and with it the pleasure of playing. Your bossll go for it?

be seen as self-inflicted. If Im successful, he walks away looking good. Its a win-win situation for him.

Lets just say hes giving me some rope. If I string myself up, well, itll

Knowing Drew the way I do, I thought he had a good chance of succeeding. I like the operetta concept. Thats just the beginning. Id like to elevate the whole game genre by

getting them to design the visuals around the music. The game then becomes an opera, with the player as conductor. Thats my goalthe music. Sound effects, my ass. Ill give em symphonies! I thought he might have dropped the ball with the car idea, but

maybe that was just an aberration, a grudging nod to the materialist mores of our time. I hoped he was in fact carrying the ball quite handily and speeding purposefully toward the goal line. But for some reason I had my doubts.

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Chapter 24 Later that week Lahnee and I were lounging around after dinner

she was playing with my neck with her fingertips and getting me all hot and bothered. Dont do that, I said, no doubt half-heartedly.

Ill do it if I want to. I like it and you like it, so just shut your face. Next thing you know, were gonna be down on the floor. That would be terrible, now wouldnt it. but in fact had something on her mind. So what is it? I asked. What?

She took my hand. I could tell she wasnt really in that playful a mood

What you want to talk to me about. You read me like a book, is that it? Large print, too.

something. How long has it been since youve seen Sue? That caught me by surprise.

Well, it just so happens that youre right. Lately Ive been thinking about

image out of my mindand that was the end of it. Thats the last time you saw her?

I told you, I walked in on her and some idiotoh god, I cant get that

as I passed on my bike.

I ran into her once around town but I didnt really talk to herjust said hi So dont you think you should go see her?

last image of her somehow tarnished the memory of Stef, and maybe I was still holding that against her. Pretty petty, if that were true. Maybe I should.

I sometimes had the same thought, but just never seemed to act on it. That

wouldve done that, a complete stranger. And took care of you.

Thats right, maybe you should. After all, she took you in. Who else I dont really know why I stayed away from Sue all these years. She

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did right by me in every way, yet things had changed so drastically almost connect with her anymore after that. overnight. She had changed drastically. I guess I didnt know how to

thinking about our possible move to Washington and wanting me to get my house in order first? You must think I was cold to turn away from her like that, I said.

Why was Lahnee bringing it up now? Its been years. Was she

it was just not knowing how to face her, considering what you two had gone through and how bad you both were taking it. I probably shouldve been more mature about it.

From what you told me, I dont think you turned away from her. Maybe

knowing you, I cant help but think you might also have been trying to

Yes, you shouldve. But how old were you then? Fourteen? Fifteen? And

protect her by drawing that John Malik away from her. It was you, after all, who lived at Albemarle, not her. So I dont know if youve got anything to be sorry for. But dont you think its time to set the record straight for her? About what she meant to you? I guess.

No, you dont guess. I think you know.

with my work. My vision gets too narrow. Misunderstanding Sarahs drug

Of course I did. Im sure I knew all along. I just get sidetracked

problem is a case in point. It wasnt actually the cry for help I thought it was Sue. I hope I can learn from my mistakes. Ive made enough of them. You The next day after work I went to Sues house, not knowing if

but I was too myopic to see. Now Lahnee was trying to set me straight about cant very well help show the way for anyone else if youre blind yourself. she even lived there anymore. But there was the old Dodge pickup, even shocked me.

worse for wear, parked in the drive. I knocked on the door. What I saw next The door opened and it was Sue, not with baggy eyes, teased hair

and too much make-up, cigarette in mouth and bottle in hand. No, this was another Sue, her face calm, eyes bright, radiating a peace I never believed

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shed find, nor I.

she'd ever let go.

Ben! she cried and embraced me like a long-lost lover. I didnt think Oh my god, come in, come in. Let me look at you. Youre a man now, I was in no way handsome, but it sounded so good and so true

arent you! And so handsome!

coming from her that I could almost believe it. You look good, too, I said.

She gave me another long hug and then took my arm to steer me inside. Sit down, sit down. Look at you. I cant believe youre all grown up. I was unprepared for this reception. Id left her a bitter, grieving

slut-in-waiting en route to an alcoholic no-mans-land and returned to find a sane, vivacious woman looking at ease with herself and the world. Her eyes were so unbelievably clear. It was just like the Sue of old, though a couple of magnitudes even brighter. I didnt know what to say. I shouldve come sooner, was all I could manage.

Everything in its time, dear. The important thing is that youre here. She was right. I was there. I was there and her eyes didnt seem to

demand an explanation. Yet the words began to pour out and I told her about Taos and working for Bob and meeting Meelahnee and coming back to Santa Fe and getting married and working for Ron at the state senatewe we went right on talking. She listened as if it were her masters voice and until now.

talked til my mouth was dry and she freshened us up with some iced tea and word by word I felt released from a burden I hadnt known I was carrying Im sorry for abandoning you, I finally said.

thats in the past now, for both of us. She looked so vibrant.

Abandoning ME? Im the one who abandoned you, you silly kid. But all

Whatever you found, Sue, its a wonderful thing.

She looked at me quizzically, as if she were unaware of her own radiance.

I dont know about that. Maybe I HAVE changed since I saw you last. My

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god, looking back now, I hope I have! You know, about two years ago I

started going to that ashram up on the hill, and I guess that helped me do a to tell you. But things feel different now. I feel different. You seem content.

little house-cleaning. I was pretty messed up for a while. Well, I dont have

think I AM content.

I am. Im not chirping around like some little bird every day but yes, I Stef would be proud of you, Sue.

Thanks for saying that, Ben. That means a lot to me. It really does.

Both pain and gratitude passed across her face.

was, and we hit the kitchen to whip up one of our old concoctionschicken enchiladas smothered in guac.

We didnt say anything for a while; then she asked me if I was hungry. I

Hey, Jack would be loving this, I said after unceremoniously digging in.

brought back.

Wouldnt he now, she said, seeming appreciative of the memory that name We stuffed our faces til they wouldnt hold any more. It was a good feeling,

sitting together with Sue again like this. The passing years now seemed fleeting. Want some dessert? she asked, almost as a joke.

thing.

Yeah, and I want to explode all over the room, too. Couldnt eat another Me, either.

I felt satisfied beyond measure. Ive really missed you, Sue. She could hardly contain herself, jumping out of her chair and

coming around the table to embrace me where I sat.

know how Ive done it all these years without you, but I dont want to do it anymore. I feel that way, too.

Ive missed you so much, honey, she said, bursting into tears. I dont

So can we spend some time together? Have dinner together now and then,

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things like that?

Can I bring the gang over sometime, too? She laughed through her tears. Ive missed them, too!

lot of each other.

Look, I only live fifteen minutes away, and thats by bike! We can see a I realized as I said it that she had been like a big sister to mea true

family member who nurtured me when I needed it most. The warmth, the easy banter, the camaraderieI had missed it!

off again, are you? Write a book and get famous and run off to Paris or somewhere, are you? She said it with a kind of pained expectancy.

Id love that, she said. Its been too long. But youre not going to take

was no Albemarlefar from itit was home now, had been for years, and Washington and the work with Mike Mackie. That was probably one brick

It dawned on me right thenmore like a revelationthat although Santa Fe

that I really ought to make peace with the place. Even if that meant forgoing wall I didnt need to apply my head to, feeling about the government as I do. Besides, I might even be better off working from the hinterlands, where life had a few degrees more purity, possibly even sanity.

No, I felt I could now, if suddenly, say with conviction, Im staying.

then threw her arms around meshe said with effervescent delight, See! Didnt I tell you!

That night Meelahnee was waiting up for me. As she looked into my eyes

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Three years later. Chapter 25

PART IV

quickly. Interest in Stef s manuscript has waned considerably over the

I dont know why, but I thought that things would happen more

years, even though I keep prodding people via my blog to at least have a look at it. Sarah reasons that the election of the new president has given people hope that we can get this wayward culture back on track more or less as is! A little adjustment here and theretinker, tinkerand everything will be fine. And Hamiltons coins forever jingling in the background! Okay, maybe Im getting adequate hits on the website, but unlike

other sites that go on to become opinion leaders or subscription newsletters, mine floats in still waters and I toil away at someone elses table to earn my crust of bread. This manuscript, too, will probably end up on the

website someday, yearning for downloads to give it life, as I cant imagine a publisher reading it and saying, hey, this is great stuffwe can make a bundle off it!

its somnolence? Its an endless struggle, this tilting at a culture of stuff.

So why do I continue this perennial quest to shake our country from

Yet the more I labor against this hamster-wheel version of success, the more I wonder if I can have any effect whatsoever. Will I have to wait for peak oil and the massive reorganization of society it may bring, or a volcanic

eruption so enormous that civilization as we know it will be forever altered? to consider an alternativenow that they have to! Too bad Im not around to enjoy it!

Must I wake up dead and look around to say, Well, people are at least ready

mind. Is everyone crazy? Am I? The ambiguity of life out here is driving me that. Shes got the patience of the thunderbird, that mythical creature who

Thus I contemplate the state of my country as well as the state of my

nuts. Im restless; Im itching for answers. Lahnees pretty hard on me about can sit and wait on a branch for days, weeks, until pueblo children wander

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by and it transforms itself into a phantasmagorical shape to swoop down

and carry one of them off. Me, I look at the march of our history daily and for that. Says the white man has no heart of oak. When I ask her what that means, she says its a certain hardness that gives one the capacity to face of that, I ask. Then do it, she says without a shred of pity.

wonder when well wake up and get out of this uneasy bed. She gets on me

even the intolerable with courage and equanimity. You think me incapable Shes head of a non-profit now that drums up scholarships for poor

bright kids. Not just Native Americans, either. The First People are no better or worse off than anyone else, she says. Having been kicked in the teeth as much as she has and being able to continue to believe thisthats an

accomplishment I admire. This is my wife, I say to myself, and cant believe my good fortune. Then some stranger crawls from the background and says to his chums just within earshot: look, that white dudes got him a squaw! Ol Lahnee walked in while I was jotting down some notes for this ragged

manuscript and asked what I was writing about. As usual, Id been venting. ball be elevated to the status of a god? I lamented with more than a tad of frustration. And with clay feet, too!

Where else but in this idolatrous culture of ours will a guy who hits a golf

tighter theyre going to button their coats. Dont knock what theyve got; show them what theyre missing. I know that.

Get off it, would you? Remember the Aesop story? The more you blow, the

now and then?

I know you know that. You just forget sometimes. Okay if I remind you Do I have a choice? I laughed.

create some, dont you think? When nothings sacred, you throw up some profane statues to pray to. Is that so surprising?

Not likely. And to answer your question: well, a land with no gods has to

I receive from her from time to time to ease some of the pain. Or a baseball! Hitting a darned baseball!

And so I chafe at my yoke as the years go by but I feel grateful for the balm

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Give it a rest, would ya? physics? Only with an A- !

Oh yeah, and Sarahs in med school in Albuquerque now. Did she pass

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Chapter 26 Ill bring the rabbits. Im counting on it. Thats how our barbecues usually started, only this time it was

a bash and hed have to skin up half a dozen. Meelahnees mother was

sending down a rump of venison and some Indian corn from Taos, Sue was fixing homemade tortillas for whatever wed wrap in them, and Lahnee couple of freshly-plucked chickens. zipped over to the farmers market to pick up some butternut squash and a People started arriving around six and I steered them to the

backyard, where a large keg and several boxes of wineChateau

Cardboardprovided the lubricant. Lahnee and Jack were doing the bon vivant.

cooking honors while I, at Lahns insistence, acted as greeter and all-around Bob came down from Taos with his latest figure model in tow. What

a sweet one, and all goo-goo eyes for the artist. He had a new lawyer, too, and had gotten a temporary stay of deportation, so he was ready to party.

Sue showed up, the tortillas still warm and I dont know how many punnets of strawberries in a shopping bag. Lahnee came into the kitchen, nodded to her, then turned to me. I could tell that shed had a few.

Put the tortillas in the oven on warm, she said. Have you seen Mindee? Her sister had moved down from Taosfollowing Meelahnee, no doubt

and was quite the little minx now. She loved to show up at parties late so she could make an entrance. When she was invited. I havent seen her. She was supposed to help out. You know better than that.

things on the kitchen table and gave me a hug. have you been?

She shrugged her shoulders and went back outside. Sue had arranged her Ive missed you, little brother, she said. Its been three weeks. Where

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and Im writing the speeches.

In my cave at the senate, as usual. Rons decided to run for Congress Thats wonderful. Just take some time off once in a while, would you? She put the tortillas in the oven.

Itd be nice to see you now and then.

strawberries. Are you ready to forget about your job for a while? Im ready to forget just about everything for a while.

You go take care of your guests, she said. Im going to cut the

Tanned and blond with bangs, and a delicate tattoo over one breast, her

Drew showed up in the Porsche, the cutest little doe on his arm.

blouse cut low enough to show it off. And Drew had taken to getting his hair styledhe was managing a new gaming company and had decided the part called for itand looked every bit the young professional. I ushered them into the backyard and it was two chardonnays for the glowing couple.

professor from UNM. Standing beside him she looked like his daughter, but if you watched them a moment it was clear she wasnt. I could see by their eyes that they were stoned, but that was nothing new for Sarah so I didnt think much of it. She was long off the killer stuff and doing great.

Sarah came in from Albuquerque with her new boyfriend, a psychology

to groom for the role she may soon have to play. Ron had put it in nautical needs to be my vessel, my anchor, my compass. Id had a lot of phone

Ron was next, accompanied by his wife, a mousy thing he was trying

terms once as we gulped down scotch after a particularly grueling day: She contact with hershe never came into the officeand I guess one might, was no doubt concerned about what kind of reception shed get inside the I dont know if Ron wanted to take that chance. missing? Lahnees sister. And here she is now. she knew I didnt like it.

not unkindly, regard her as a folksy little homebody. A cookie baker. Ron Beltway. Who knows, maybe she would score points for being a natural. But There. That was an even dozen. No, wait a minute. Thats eleven. Whos Hello-o-o, Benjamin, she teased. She always called me Benjamin because

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Mindee. I thought you forgot. work. She forgets that Im a guest.

I just didnt wanna come too early. My sister has a habit of putting me to There was often a rough edge to the territory between them. While

Lahnee handled the pain of being Indian in the land of the free by helping to empower the disenfranchised, Mindee turned her anger against all rules that bound her to her role and held her there. Dont start. Anyway, wheres the drinks? she asked, looking over my shoulder. Im almost eighteen now, so whats it matter? Youre not going to get drunk tonight, okay? Whos going to stop me? You? You know my sister wont.

herself already and besides, had no doubt given up trying to ride herd on sis. Just have a couple and call it a night, would you. Please? If you ask me nice like that, I just might. Now lets go out back, I want The food turned out to be fabulous, as usual, and the half-dozen new

She was probably right about that. Lahnee had drunk quite a bit

you to introduce me to everybody.

lanterns Id made for the yard set a perfect mood as the sun went down and Soon people were on their feet, wandering in the garden, standing by the was at the keg for another refill. placed around the yard.

the stars came out. Id had a few drinks myself and was cruising right along. back fence, going to the grill for one last piece of something tasty. Lahnee When did you do these? Bob asked me, motioning to the woodcarvings I forgot, you havent been here for a while. Im probably finishing off

about one every other month now. Its a good way to burn off energy something I learned from you.

dove in its talons, mounted on a rusty three-foot iron rod. Kind of jarring at first, but bloody poetic in a sad sort of way. The bitter truth of life. Something like that.

I like this one, he said, gesturing to a carving of a hawk carrying a lifeless

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His model stood at his side nodding, but said nothing. the carving while I turned my attention to her. Jeffrey was her professor friend.

Sarah came over and tugged at my arm. I left Bob and his date to gaze at Do you mind if Jeffrey and I have a toke or two? she asked.

Youre a big girl, Sarah. Go ahead.

I mean, you know, with Ron being here and all. think so as not to jeopardize my job. notice.

Shed tiptoed around Ron the few times that they were thrown together, I No, its okay. Just dont be obvious about it and hell pretend he didnt We could go inside, or out to the car. No, dont bother. Just be cool. She gave me a peck on the cheek, which surprised me because she doesnt

do that, and walked ever-so-casually back to Jeffrey. It was almost comical to watch. Jack was cleaning off the picnic table and I gave him a push. Why dont you take a break? I urged. Youve hardly sat down since you got here. So? So enjoy yourself. Suit yourself. Always do. This is my break.

Who says Im not?

often put into words. He pulled away playfully. control.

I put my hand on his shoulder, as if to express something I didnt

Dont start that shit. Just go relax, okay, Shakespeare? Everythings under I looked around. People were clumped in groups of two or three and

talking noisily. Lahnee, drink in hand, seemed to be showing off the rest

of the carvings to Bob and his companion. I made for the kitchen to see if

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there was anything to be done there. I couldnt let Jack do all the work. As I walked in, Mindee was standing by the table. to show you. Hello, Benjamin, she said coyly; come here, theres something I want She led me to the bathroom and as I walked in, she followed me and

closed the door behind her, locking it. Then she quickly pulled off her t-shirt and tossed it to the floor. She wasnt wearing a bra, and her breasts were a luminous sight. What are you doing? Lahneell kill you.

Cmere and see, she said, pulling me toward her. She doesnt have to know, now does she.

placed them there. They felt so full and firm, I had to rub them slowly, almost tenderly, to get a good feel. We cant do this. Were already doing it. Put it on. Why?

I couldnt help but look at her luxurious breasts. She took my hands and

I pulled back, picked up her shirt and handed it to her.

Because youre my sister-in-law, thats why. Just give me a chance, why dont you. A chance for what?

To show what I can do. How good I can be. Is this what you mean by good? Its one of the ways. She tried to take my hands again.

Put your shirt on, Mindee. I mean it. This isnt going to happen. last look before the tempting orbs disappeared from sight. Whered you get the dope? I asked. What dope?

Youre no fun, she complained, pulling the t-shirt over her head. I had a

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Dont fool around, I know youre stoned. So what if I am? Its no big deal. Whered you get it?

It was that professor guy. Jeffrey whats-his-name.

sake. Sarah would have to understand. I moved Mindee away from the door, unlocked it and went out, going for the phone. Calling you a taxi. What are you doing? she asked, following me. I waited til she was gone before laying into Jeffrey about his little

That just bought him a one-way ticket out of here. Shes a kid, for gods

stuntas unimpassioned as I could manage so I wouldnt embarrass Sarah in front of the others. should be free. responsibility. wife. I thought you were a Jeffersonian, he complained; you know, people Only half of Jefferson was freedom, I retorted sharply; the other half is As the two of them were leaving, Lahnee sauntered over with Ron and his Theyre going already? Lahn lamented.

check.

I think its past the professors bedtime. I tried to say with emotions in So, Ben, she went on, tell em what the American Dream is. I told Ron I dont know what she was getting atshe wasnt exactly herself

you were going on about it this week, writing that speech. Tell em.

tonightbut Ron knew her well enough to accept her as she was and I knew Ron well enough to know he wouldnt be too bothered by anything I might say. Okay, I was talking about it a lot with Lahnee this week, so Id try to sum it up.

neighborhood, newer car, no boss, more sex, and if possible, celebrity. You know, so you can feel loved. Also, more money. Lots and lots of money. Rons wife wasnt so sure.

The American Dream; lets see, its not that difficult: bigger house, better

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You make it sound so cold.

Thats because it feels cold, I replied. Whats wrong with a nicer house? nicest house. Theres no end to it. Whats wrong is that a nicer house only leads to a nicer house, never the Thats a Buddhist teaching, dear, Ron explained. Theres no end to

human desire, and desire is supposedly the root of all suffering. And yet we keep encouraging it. Bens no Buddhist, Lahnee interjected.

No, but he seems to follow the precepts, Ron said. Am I right, Ben? yet somebodys out there fanning the flames so well want more.

Maybe youre both right. In any case, we can never get enough nowadays, Why do you say nowadays? his wife asked. Was it ever any different?

and I may have found something. A turning point in the Twenties. But youll have to wait on that one. Maybe Ill graft it onto one of Rons speeches. The night grew late and we soldiered on, me and Meelahnee, til all

I cant say right now. Im doing some research on twentieth-century culture

the guests had gone. I called three taxis to get everybody home. The Porsche was still in the drive. Jack was the last one out the door, heading for his bike. He was reasonably sober and didnt live far. wed do without you. you. You guys.

Thanks, Jack, Lahnee said with a pronounced slur. I dont know what Funny youd say that, he replied, cuz I dont know what Id do without Later, she was standing at the sink staring dumbly at the pattern on

the curtains when I came up behind her and put my arms around her waist. I began to caress her but she wasnt having any of it. Dont.

surprised. Shocked is more like it. Maybe she wasnt feeling well. You had quite a bit to drink tonight, I offered.

Id never known Lahnee to turn down my affections before and was

She reeled around to face me, her unfocused eyes glistening with tears.

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what you meant.

You mean Im a drunken damn Indian, dont you, she cried. Thats She turned and made her way erratically into the bedroom, falling

heavily on the bed with her face in the pillow. I followed and sat beside her. with her fists. Whats happened to you? I asked but she wailed and hit the pillow Lahnee. Lahnee, come on. Tell me whats got into you.

she often did me when she wanted to make a point, wiping her eyes with a her head. I intertwined my fingers with hers. She was still sniffling. Am I too heavy? I asked and she shook her head. So what happened tonight? Will you tell me? Some guys.

I let her cry herself out before turning her over. I straddled her like

Kleenex before taking her hands in mine and pushing them to the bed over

She cleared her throat loudly and took a deep breath. Some guys. What guys? Today at the market. You met some guys at the market? Who? What happened?

white guys were walking by and made fun of me. When I told em to buzz off they called me a redskin slut. caressed her face. em have it? She burst into tears again as she said this. I let her hands go and

I was picking out some chickens; I wanted them plucked fresh. Some

Cmon, this isnt like you. Youre stronger than that. Why didnt you let Thats just it. I did. I grabbed one by the shirt and shouted in his face. When he pulled back I held the shirt and ripped it good. The other

one came over to give me a slap but there were some Indian bucks there so he didnt dare. You stood up for yourself. Why are you upset?

stupid squaw!

You dont understand. Youre going up in the world and look at me! A

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Dont say that!

afraid to be seen in public with my husband because I might shame him!

Its true. Im gonna end up like Rons wife, some little house-bitch whos I started to speak but she reached up and put her fingers to my lips.

girl. I didnt care if I had six kids or ended up with a job like my mothers

See, you dont know. You dont know my dream from when I was a little

or whateverI only had one wish. I always wished that I would grow up to I see thats never going to happen. I see who I really am. For the rest of my life Im just going to be somebodys squaw, and that just kills me. It kills me, Ben. Ill never be that lady.

be a gracious lady. Thats all I wanted to be. But after the way I acted today,

say. If I couldnt even save myself, how was I going to save Lahnee?

She lapsed into heart-rending tears again and I didnt know what to

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Chapter 27 Ben. Wake up. Someones in the house. lifted my head off the pillow. Are you sure? Listen.

Six oclock in the darned morning and Meelahnees tugging at my arm. I

what I get for not locking the house, a carry-over from the days when I lived at Albemarle. Take my knife, she said.

There was definitely someone in the other room making noise. Thats

No, Im not going to take your knife.

of the leathery old chiefs. She used it for just about everything, but I wasnt going to use it to carve up a prowler. I got out of bed, pulled on some jeans and went for a look. I followed the Drew! Whatre you doing? You need em now? you?

Lahnee had an enormous hunting knife with a handle made by one

noise to the kitchen. Someone was going through the drawers.

Looking for my car keys, ace. You took them last night, remember? Its my car, so I think its reasonable that they be in my possession, dont Whatd you do to your hair?

Its a conditioner. Three times a week for some body. The keys? In your pocket? Were you planning on going for a ride? oclock in the morning. what?

I reached into my pocket and pulled out his key ring, tossing it to him. Thats a good one. Yeah, I had this idea to go out trolling for chicks at six Dont knock it til youve tried it. Are you going to make some coffee or Lahnees voice came from the other room. Who are you talking to, Ben?

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Its Drew.

Drew? Oh, hi Drew. Hi, Lahnee. Whatre you doing here, Drew? I came for my car keys. Ben, give him his keys. I did.

Then come back to bed. What time is it? Six.

I will. Go back to sleep.

Im going back to sleep.

I put on a pot of coffee and we sat at the table.

I had too much to drink last night, I said; I guess she did, too.

I saw her drinking right from the keg, trying to pump it at the same time. and before you can turn around to see whats coming, shes rolling in the reasons, though. Believe me she does. Oh, shes a charmer, isnt she. Half the time shes soaring with the angels

dust like a she-wolf. Never a dull moment with Meelahnee. Shes got her I think Ron was a little shocked. I think youre still drunk, kid. hour?

Think so? Hell with im. He gets us as a package, take it or leave it. And youre not? Why else would you be rifling through my drawers at this Itll be a cold day in Styx before youll catch me rifling through your We had our coffee and I tried to turn the conversation elsewhere. To the top, didnt you hear?

drawers, Ben.

So tell me, Drew. Wherere you going with this game company? Dont be glib. You know what Im talking about.

rhetorical, because you dont want to appear to be answering it yourself?

Is this one of the Ben Cross questions with the built-in answer? Not quite

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Its too early in the morning to be obnoxious.

Whos being obnoxious? Im just asking you to clarify the question, though Okay, where, then? Ive got a feeling I already know where youre headed.

on the great unwashed out there; now youve got to turn it on your friends, too. Is that what Im doing? Isnt it? He leaned back in his chair as if to try to get a little more distance

Theres a moral coming, isnt there. Youre not satisfied just springing it

between us.

So you dont want me to ask? I said.

become of your soul?

No, go ahead. But first, let me guess. Is it something like, what will Youre being too hard on me, Drew.

care.

No, youre being too hard on me. You think Im not capable of taking Are you?

dont ya think?

Ya know, this kind of stuff was fun in high school, but it gets a little old, What stuff?

He was silent a moment. Clearly, he was in no mood for my drift.

This utopian stuff. Being pure. Making over the world. So we dont need it now? Dont you think that with maturity comes a certain amount of acceptance?

Weve got to stop beating our heads against the wall. Its not coming down, so whats the point? Babylon fell. Egypt fell. Rome fell.

nation, Ben. They only broadcast the signs.

Yes, but in their own sweet time. Prophets never changed the course of a So we should just lie down and let it roll over us? Is that it?

What would you have me do? Be a martyr? Here, take my car keys; Ill

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walk from now on. The girls love that. Ill have to fight em off. I walk. Yeah, but youve already got yours. Have a little compassion for us I dont think you should try to buy a woman with a damn car.

poor suckers still on the outside. The ones still looking.

em.

Youve got it all wrong. A car is like a fishing lureit just helps hook Did the Porsche hook the one you brought last night? Whats her name? Cindy. Did it help reel in Cindy?

you know the answer to that.

Are you asking if I could have landed her trolling from a bicycle? I think So how can you respect her?

cooking, screwing, a great game of tenniswhat should I expect? Christ, ya gotta respect her for those. Okay, so if the car goes, does she go?

Who says that precludes respect? Anyway, with her superior talents

answer is yes. Shes probably out the door. Can you blame her? She really just wants her place in the sun, then. Dont we all? The whole idea doesnt disturb you?

If you mean by car the symbol of the man you see before you, then the

Most of em do, or at least keep it in sight. These are the times we live in, Ben. Perilous times. But like I said, Ive come to accept it. What about your music? What about it? No.

What, that she wants her place, and she might keep one hand on the door?

Does she know about it? Doesnt that bother you? It bothers me.

Why should it? Ill get around to it eventually.

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and to hell with societys demands. Thats the way I grew up.

Thats you. You think everybody should aspire to their higher natures

our own little utopia any way we can. Thats reality. It may not be pretty, but there it is. Do you think Cindy would fuck me three ways from Sunday if I didnt have a few shiny things in my pocket to pull out and show her?

See, its natural for you but what about the rest of us? We have to get

know about your music? And lets take it one step furtherwhat happened to the symphonies you were going to create for these games you do? Remember? The new genre of game? That shits just not commercially viable.

And Im going to ask you again. Doesnt it bother you that she doesnt

Youre becoming one of the philistines you used to shout down! They were the enemies of beauty, you said. They were soulless. He was quiet for a time. I dont think he was reflecting. More like a Cindys not the girl you make her out to be, he finally said, as if I were

That shits just not commercially viable! Will you listen to yourself?

regrouping of the troops, preparing for a possible frontal assault.

painting her as some heartless gold digger and not the completely ordinary girl she probably was.

musicwhere the hell are you going with it? Are you going to wake up someday with a big empty hole inside?

This isnt about Cindy, Drew. This is about you, you idiot. Your job, your

haveand now that I get a little taste of something sweet, youre all over me about it. Whats the problem here? Are you jealous? That I might be speaking out of emotional weakness rather than

What do you know? You go around like some oracle of the agesalways

genuine concern for his future made me mad. No, something more than mad. Wed had arguments beforehe always seemed to be testing me, competing to see who was the strongerbut it felt like he was becoming care.

more strident with each passing year, less and less willing to listen or even

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young Adonis, good family, IQ up the ying-yang, bronzed god in the open-top but me, the figure in the shadows, the thief-in-waiting people think ready

You think Im jealous? It might look that way to you. Look at you

car, free and easy cunt at your sideyou sit on the golden throne, dont you at any moment to burst out of the twilight to steal their imagined futures yes, it could very well look like jealousy to you, but its not. Its you with the gold ring and me with the rough quartz crystal, each of us holding it up to see what power unfolds, which can make dreams come true. I think we see each other anymore. Theres solid rock in the way. ass on the line for you. stand on opposite sides of the Continental Divide now, Drew, and we cant You forget how I stood up for you in school those first weeks. I laid my And dont think that doesnt mean something to me, either. You were a

hero, Drew. But your moment of glorys a memory now, isnt it. Because what I need to ask is, whens the last time you laid your ass on the line? the land of the shallow and rude.

Youre judging me. Im still the same guy, the aesthete trying to survive in Youre not that anymore, Drew. Thats just your conceit. Thats just you You self-righteous prick! You know I can kick your asswhy do you That sums it up pretty well, doesnt it? You start by saving my ass and

whacking off in a dark corner where nobody can see you. always tempt me?

end up threatening to kick it. I have a lot of gratitude, Drew, I really do, but I think heres where we may have to part ways. Suit yourself, he said, standing up. Who needs you, anyway?

friends?

Apparently, nobody, I replied, standing as well. Do we at least go as Whatever.

You know I love you.

that. You go your way, Ill go mine.

Aw, christ. Well, I probably love you too, fucker. So lets just leave it at He left in a squeal of tires and I could hear the high-strung engine

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high-revving all the way down the block. When I turned back toward the

bedroom, I saw Meelahnee standing there in the doorway, naked but for a cheeks.

blanket like a buffalo robe draped over her shoulders, tears rolling down her

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Chapter 28 Its amazing what unaccountable thoughts creep in to the eternally

permeable architecture of our mindsoften not what we expect, on occasion certainly not what we want.

was only partly trueI was recalling the irresistible shape of her breasts. They were full and inviting, ever-present, always waiting. They were pleasure stuck in my mind. domes to be cupped, kissed, fondled, nuzzled. I was annoyed that this image Where are you going? Lahnee asked as I got out of bed. To take a walk. So early? Its the weekend.

I woke up on a Sunday morning thinking of Meelahnees sister. No, that

Ive got a speech to write, remember? Itll clear my head.

When I was dressed and on my way out the bedroom door, she pulled the blanket off her face and called to me. Ben? Yeah?

Make some tea when you get back, she said, pulling up the blanket cozily.

Youre my dream come true, darling.

clear my head. I even befriended a cat, and he followed me for half a block before turning back. He was a gray and black tiger and hed mistaken me for someone with nothing better to do than stroke his back and scratch his china proclivity he shamelessly shared with all and sundry of his

The morning air was fresh and crisp. I was rightthe walk did

species. But its well documented that petting an animal lowers your blood something I acutely needed at the time.

pressureprovided its not a puma or a Sonoran timber wolfand that was When I got back, I was able to write a page and a half of decent

prose. I left it and kept going back, and by four oclock or so I had almost three pages of a rough-hewn speech. It was the one Id been researching, the one where I was pretty sure I could show how the materialism we know

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todayforever lurking there in our history but always as a secondary thingbecame cemented to the center of our pantheon, sandwiched gloriously between sex and celebrity, the two forces that helped put it there. Ill say more about it later. But if Ron could deliver this new speech with confidence and passion, he might just propel himself to Washington on a the rest of Americaor those who wanted to gowith him. pout.

grassroots platform of national rejuvenation and start the process of bringing Around four-thirty I got a call. Meelahnee handed me the phone with a little She wants to talk to Benjamin. I took the phone. Hello?

Hello, Benjamin. Whos this? You dont recognize my voice? she asked with the easy intimacy of a I couldnt concentrate very well with Lahnee standing about two feet away, Not really.

long-time confidante. staring at me.

Well, you will when you see me. Are you free now? Yes, but Yeah. Meet me at the Thunderbird Motel. Know where that is? Room 12.

She hung up before I had a chance to get any more information out of her. Who was that? I dont know.

What did she want?

She wants me to meet her. At the Thunderbird.

Thats a little strange. Where does she want you to meet her? Oh, I dont think so.

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Why not?

You figure it out. Should I?

What, you dont trust me? Have I ever given you cause to doubt?

and mood. If a person has the chance and theyre in the mood, trust dissolves like one of those fizzy tablets in water. Dont go, Ben. I think youre getting carried away, I said, heading for the door. Ill be back soon.

Trust isnt about past performance, Ben. Its a function of opportunity

garish motel strips found on main roads entering and leaving towns, it was one of those places, like game arcades or stylists salons, that I normally wouldnt be caught dead in.

The T-bird was a fifteen-minute bike ride. Located on one of those

fit reestanding but I didnt have much choice. I put it in front of the closedI stood there looking at someone who made my guts go peristaltic and I thought Id keel over where I stood. Camille! Are you surprised? burning temple!

I looked for a rack for my bike but there was none. It was chancy to lock

draped window of number twelve and knocked on the door. When it opened

But I thought you died in the fire! Stef told me he saw you run into the Come inside, youll hear all about it.

room.

She took my hand and pulled me out of the daylight into a dim, candle-lit I dont believe its you, I said, holding onto her hand as if for Camille had been my mentor at Albemarle, training me in mediation when

confirmation.

I was still a boy. Maybe ten or twelve years my senior, yet she thought

nothing of spending hours with me, talking about life, love, and especially

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the way of the world. Shed said it was important for me to have a clear important someday.

understanding of these things because I could be destined for something Sit down, Ben. I know this is a shock for you.

see what Stef meant when he said she was almost shamefully attractive.

We sat on the bed in the candlelight and now as a man I could

Splendent blond hair framing a striking face with big eyes that warmed you with their heat, silken skin, temptingly sensuous lips. No wonder he started falling under her spelltil he found out the truth about her. like a latter-day Temple of Ishtar. really know about us?

Stef said you wanted to take over the temple, bring back goddess worship Stef was a good man, dear, but he was only there three days. What could he A lot, by what I read.

In this case, maybe a lot is not enough. alive!

Well, I dont want to talk about that. I want to know how youre still I squeezed her hand and shook it, just to make sure.

much there that needed to be saved. But the fact is, somebody pulled me out. Unconscious, as it turns out. Who?

Hard to believe, I know. That night I did run into the templethere was

lap.

I dont know. All I remember is waking up outside the gate in John Maliks Malik!

Would that mans name never stop tormenting me?

Fraid so. I know you dont like him, but he may have saved my life. fire.

How do you know I dont like him? And anyway, Stef said he was in on the I dont believe that, do you? Yes. Well, its not true.

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How can you know? told me.

Because hewe had an arrangement, thats all, and he would have What, like theres going to be this inferno here, three thousand people She looked down.

are going to be incinerated, but I dont have anything to do with it.

You knew! He told you there was going to be a fire, didnt he! No! she cried with all the vehemence she could muster. Youre lying to me, Camille. He probably let it slip at the last minute and

when you stayed to try to save the temple, he had somebody drag you out! A repayment for your little arrangement, maybe. tell.

Thats not true! she said, her eyes filled with tears, real or not I couldnt She wept now, and I felt emotion rising myself, this conversation

bringing back that night when my mother came into our burning meeting room at school to save me and four others, only she couldntshe could only gather the strength to huddle us together on the floor and cover us with on a bus to New Mexico with Stef holding me tight and never learned the whole story until I read it for myself on the disk. face.

her body as best she could and maybe pray that help would come. I woke up

Camille dried her eyes a bit and looked at me, brushing the hair out of my Maybe I shouldnt have come.

whole things a big puzzle, and I want to know every piece. Do you believe me, Ben?

No, Im glad you did, I replied, trying to pull myself back together. The

evil in every corner. At what?

I have to, dont I. Thats the way we did it there. Straight up, no looking for You were always best at it. Living what Albemarle stood for. I was a kid, what did I know?

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Its not a matter of age, its a matter of soul. I had to shrug at that. If so, Ive gone down considerably since then, Camille. the work youve been doing. results.

I dont believe that. Ive been watching you. From afar, I mean. I know Dont kid yourself about what Im doing. Work is something that produces It can also be planting seeds. Dont get caught up in the success-go-round She was there, she knew what it was like. She was also out here, like me. How do you stay sane out here?

out here.

How did she manage?

my time til the moment was right. What kind of plan?

Its not easy, is it. But Ive been working on a plan. Ive just been biding

Were going to resurrect Albemarle! You and me!

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Chapter 29 Camille is the person who backed me for the one open position of

ombudsman traineemediatorthe same position she herself held. She

taught me how to turn peoples problems into opportunities, and when at

fourteen I was sent to the elementary school to practice my craft, shed be waiting afterward to review my work and offer encouragement. When Id fail, shed chastise me and prop me back up. When I succeeded, shed sing my praises to the four winds and beyond. She was my profoundest teacher and I owed her a debt I could never repay. So to be sitting with her in the church-like ambience of this motel

room, scented with candles and even more fragrant from some potion she must have smoothed on her skin, the Camille I thought had been dead for the past eight yearshad it been that long? Could I be so lucky to have found her again? And now she wants to revive Albemarle!

now thinking, I began to regret accusing her of collusion with Malik. And maybe she was rightand Stef wrong?about Maliks role in the fire. In any case, she was my one connection to the sacred past and I dare not let my rashness sunder it. Yet what was she proposing? Wasnt the folly of it apparent to her?

In the moments she gave me to ponder this, think these thoughts I was

The past once buried can hardly be dug up again. now, fertilizing the tall pines of Montana.

How can you even consider it, Camille? Albemarles just charred carbon No, Benjamin, its much more than that. It lives on, in you and me.

you think? It took millions, just to buy the land. I have millions, dear. What are you talking about? Remember Tim Burke? He was an ombudsman like you.

Of course it does, but making the word manifest is a little beyond us, dont

Yes, and he came from a family of old money. I convinced him to sign over

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a hefty sum, not in escrow to Albemarle like we usually did it, but to me directly. For the temple. How much are we talking about? Are you kidding?

I invested it, and now its up to about eight million. Im not. And thats not all. Ive managed to line up two investors who I dont know what manner of persuasive power she had, but it must

are sold on the project, so now were looking at almost fifteen.

border on the magical. Already I started to feel myself falling under its

sway. When she looked at me now, I almost felt as though I should avert my eyes out of nothing more than self-preservation. I dont remember her ever casting such a glance at me in the early days when I was her student. Stef light, though burning almost like phosphorus now in its intensity. The rock on which well build our church. Back in Montana? Unfortunately, Montanas become a playground for movie starsforest And you mean to buy land.

portrayed this as the shadowy side of her but I knew her and could only see

dirt has suddenly become obscenely dear. Ive got people looking in Idaho and Wyoming, not too shabby either. Of course it would be nice to have what.

the same elysian landscape but as you well know, its not the where but the And what a what! A renascent Albemarle, its flag unfurled once

again! A workshop that America could look on with wonder, and compare. The way of Hamiltonor the way of Jefferson! And I could carry on my mediation work as an ombudsman, as I intended so many years ago. No weeping at the thought, but quickly held back any emotion lest Camille life out here, beyond the august gates. Its a lot to take in, I offered.

more knocking my head against the platinum brick wall! I almost felt like think me weakthen felt ashamed at how Ive learned to conceal my inner

She touched my cheek and I suddenly felt her warmth.

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But you already have, havent you. I can see it.

another force came into play, abruptly growing in power and binding me bethe woman at my side was Camille, my teacher, my advisor, my mentor.

Her hand still on my face, her thumb gently rubbing my cheek,

ever more tightly to her: I felt an insidious stirring in my loins. This couldnt

Together we could re-create the world as it once was, as it should be.

You and me, Benjamin, she said softly, could bring back the glory. Yes, I wanted to say, you can count on me! But there was the matter

of Lahnee, who I wanted to talk to first. Yet I had no doubt shed be behind the plan. Im going to talk to my wife about it. Meelahnee. How do you know that?

as much about you now as I did in Montana. Im not sure if I like that.

I told you, Ive had my eye on you. For quite a long time. I probably know

would ever consider for this. I just needed to make sure the finances were in place and you were ready for it. So lets go! Where? To talk to Meelahnee!

Dont be that way. You should feel flattered. After all, youre the only one I

door. She headed for a massive silver Mercedes.

Apparently she was ready for the road, and we were up and out the

Is that thing yours? I asked incredulously.

you cant get anywhere. Get in.

Its a different world out here, Benjamin. Without the proper implements, She chirped the door open and I slid deep into the buttery leather seat. We

were transported forward with silent but insistent power and in ten minutes were in my driveway.

Lahnee was sitting at the kitchen table snipping herbs with a pair of

Remember who you are, she said as we got out and went into the house.

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kindergarten scissors. She may have been a princess but I could see she knew when a queen walked in. Lahn, this is Camille.

no doubt for my sake. Hi. Hi.

Lahnee wasnt exactly overjoyed but she tried to cover her feelings,

stuck with a pin.

Camilles from Albemarle, I said and Meelahnee jerked like someone Yes, another survivor, Camille said.

moment I could see a light come on. Her look immediately turned cool. I read all about you, Camille, she finally said. Im afraid Stefan didnt paint a very appealing picture of me. Youve read the manuscript? I asked, surprised. peopleedited a little, for sure.

Lahnee stared at her. Realization was fermenting in her brain and in a

Of course. You put it on the Net, didnt you? Ive sent copies to dozens of We sat down at the tableLahnee now seemed uncomfortable,

probably from her fresh recollection of the manipulative goddessstrikingly attractive didnt help much, either. you wait so long to contact Ben?

worshipper shed read about. And Im sure the fact that Camille was So, Camille, Lahnee said with barely concealed disapproval, why did I was going to answer that she had been watching me all along

but realized Lahnee would probably take that worse than I had, so I said nothing. Well, its a long story.

up her herbs than listening to an answer. Camille and I looked at each other and it was clear to both of us that it was going to be quite a feat to enlist Lahnees help in our endeavor.

Im sure it is, Lahnee said, now seeming to pay more attention to cutting

If you read Stefans book, she began, you know that I had a special

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feeling for the temple.

Lahnee looked up from her work.

know all about the temple.

You were probably one of the temple maidens seducing the faithful. I Thats not so. I was an ombudsman. I was Benjamins teacher. He doesnt like to be called Benjamin. I was Bens teacher. But I know that part of the glue that held Albemarle

together was our being able to offer intimacyphysical, maybe, but with people wonder why theyre lonely.

spiritual intent. Thats whats wrong out hereall sex but no intimacy, and Lahn liked everything but the temple, I said.

able to help people find peace, and trust, and a deeper connection with the wheel of life. Tell er what I think of trust, Ben.

Im sorry to hear that. Because our temple maidensand swainwere

meeting with people to see if there was any possibility of getting things back together again. You mean Albemarle? Lahnee said with eyebrows raised.

Anyway, I waited so long because I was investing some money and

organized.

Thats exactly what I mean. It took this much time to get everything Lahnee was skeptical.

cost millions.

Its a nice idea, Camille, but to buy that much land and start building would Shes got millions, I said, hardly able to contain myself. Almost fifteen million, to be exact. Lahnees hands stopped moving and she seemed at a loss.

tell you the truthI could go back to my work as a mediator and be doing something useful for a change. Camille looked at me.

Think of it, Lahn, I said; no more labor in vainIve about had it, to

Mediator? Oh no, you wont go back to doing that.

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I was caught off guard.

What do you mean? What, then?

be the Advocate.

Someones got to run the place. Ill manage the temple and youll Her words hit me like a volley of .45 caliber shells. The Advocate?! But hes top man. When I was a kid at Albemarle, the Advocate was an almost god-like

figure. His great love, his wisdom, and his sound judgment helped create

the framework that allowed us to grow and thrive. He worked tirelessly, and even when his cancer took hold he put in twelve-hour days, often with his doctor at his side, and never got discouraged. When I complained bitterly to my mother about not having a father to look up to, she said that if I wanted a model, I should turn to the Advocate and see what I could learn. Which I did, and for the first time gained a sense of what it must be like to be a man. Not an ordinary man, but a man as he was meant to be. One whose now wondered if I could fill. At twenty-two I was still learning. Do you think Im capable of that? Of course I do. Lahnee was more cautious.

fulfillment came from helping others fulfill themselves! Those were shoes I

time.

Ben can do anything he puts his mind to, but everything in its Are you saying Im not ready yet?

is. Yesterday you didnt know.

Im saying everything in its time. Youll know yourself when that But yesterday I didnt have Camille.

said all. But why was I suddenly trying to push this project past herthrough herwhen wed always been a team from which each of us drew strength? It was all happening too fast. Though my first duty was to the work, my second was to Lahneebut the two were in tandem and I would never

That was the wrong answer and I realized it immediately. Lahnees face

separate them. If she was balking at Camilles proposition, Id have to give

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that serious consideration. And that meant more time.

Yeah, you two go talk about it, Lahnee replied. No, I meant the three of us. say about it. No need for that, she said. Ive already said everything I intend to I knew by her tone that this was the end of it for now.

I think we need to talk about this more, I said.

diplomatic. Maybe we should let it sit for a while and see what happens. Come on, Ben, Ill give you a ride back to your bike.

Well, I think I understand how you feel, Camille said, trying to be

up and stopped, she left the motor running and the air conditioner on. She looked at me sympathetically. What do you mean? standard, is she. What did you go and get yourself into?

We left in silence and in silence drove back to the motel. When we pulled

Im sure shes a nice person and all, but shes really not up to your Thats unkind.

Benjamin, and that would be such a waste. everything, right from the very beginning.

I know it is, but it needs to be said. Shes going to hold you back, You dont know what youre saying. Camille. Shes backed me up on Isnt that part of the problem? Dont you think you should stand on your

own for a change? Leaning on her, drowning your sorrows between her legs as Im sure you doyou might be a lot further along in your work without her. This is not what I expected to hear from Camille. Thats ridiculous, I said, my face feeling hot. own level. God, shes not even pretty.

Is it? If you have to be married, it should at least be with someone your What are you talking about? Shes beautiful.

Are you kidding? Slant eyes, flat nose, thick lipsshe looks like every

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other sorry Indian hanging around this god-forsaken state. Shes uglylook at her! And she stinks! Youre way out of line, Camille, I said angrily and got out of the car,

slamming the door good and hard, though it closed with a mere whoosh. smelled like all the sweet smells in the world. Forgive me, dear, she said softly.

As I unlocked my bike, she came up and embraced me from behind. She

close again.

Just get away from me, I replied, turning to face her, but she held me Please, Benjamin.

This was Camille and I owed her that much. All right. We go back too far. Yes.

But you crossed the line today and I wont have it. Im sorry. Are you really? I asked, pulling back and looking in her eyes. I am. I swear it. Okay, I said, extricating myself from her grasp and getting on my bike. Lahnee. And just keep your opinions of her to yourself.

Just be clear that youre not going to push me and youre not going to push Im still treating you like my pupil, arent I. Youre a man now, and

Im having to come to terms with it. Please dont condemn me for that, Benjamin.

my current state, I couldnt really tell the difference. It was obvious that I couldnt make any decisions in her presence. Lets just go with that for now. off.

She had a way of making the unacceptable seem acceptable, and in

All right, get in touch later with a number where I can contact you, okay? Whatever you say, she replied, trying to embrace me once more, but I was I stopped at a park for a while to collect my thoughts. Albemarle! Could we

really bring it back? And was I capable of walking in the hallowed footsteps

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of the Advocate? It was almost too much to contemplate.

home. When I got there, Meelahnee was at the kitchen sink, drunk. Id really handled things badly today, and would take a lot more care in the future. I her voice, stone-cold like the newly-dead. went to her and kissed her on the neck, my lips lingering there. Then I heard No little treat for us today, my big boy.

When the sun started going down and the wind picked up, I headed

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Chapter 30 Lahnee was working a second job during the evenings now. It was

a position at the Foundation for the Blind and she counseled people who,

through surgery or even a healers hand, had gained sight for the first time. Neither was common, so Santa Fe was the service center for all the states west of the Mississippi. When I asked her what she did, she related as an example the following dialogue: Mr A: Whats that?

Meelahnee: Its a car.

Mr A: It cant be. Its too small. Mr A: How do you know? one, know its about a block away. Meelahnee: Yep.

Meelahnee: Thats because its a block away. Meelahnee: Because I know how big a car is, and by the size of that Mr A: So everything changes in size according to how far away it is? Mr A: So you have to evaluate the size of everything all the time to know

whats there and how far you are from it? Meelahnee: Yep. Mr A: Thats ridiculous.

At first every finger has to be aware of which key its pressingand for sure there are going to be mistakes. But the brain adjusts. Pretty soon youre playing groups of notes, sequences, without consciously thinking about any one key in particular. The brain does it automatically. This is how youll learn. Mr A: Youre shitting me.

Meelahnee: It might seem that way now. But its like playing the piano.

while I was left alone in silence to write the speech that would send my boss Ron to Congress. I did get some help clarifying a few points from Sarah,

Thus she spent her evenings with the unaware and the incredulous

Meelahnee: I shit you not.

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whod come back to Santa Fe for the weekend because her mother was sick. So hows your mom? I asked. Shell live. Whats she got?

Conspicuous consumption.

parents taught us who we are, and when we grow up we teach them who we are? Vaguely.

Not lately. Remember what I said about how when we were kids, our

Funny. You dont seem to have much sympathy for her.

to hear about this momentous speech youre writing. Its not going to take all day, I hope. Ive got to be on the road by four. I threw together a couple of lemonades and we sat in the backyard.

Well, shes a slow learnerlets just leave it at that. Anyway, I came over

a while nowto see if I could figure out when we changed into a culture of stuff. Define.

Okay, here goes, I started. Ive been studying American history for quite

society? When did we need to have something in order to be somebody? Youre saying weve changed, is that it?

Defineall right, when did acquisitiveness become the bedrock of our

dont believe it, ask any Native Americanask Lahnee!but be prepared for a snoutful of vituperation. Thats trash talk to us downtown folk. Feel free to translate at any time. You know I will.

Weve always been a hungry people, Sarah, right from the startif you

show itwas never the prescription for happiness that it is today. Did you know that? Yearning for money was never the prime motive. There were exceptions, of courseland speculators, gold miners, cattlemen, urban

But in fact, dear girl, getting endlessly more moneyand the goods to

politicians, gamblersbut if you read history carefullyhey, Ive done it

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for you, kidyoud find that for the most part we were a hard-working, non-materialistic, generous people. She took a sip of lemonade.

seem quite true to form.

So whyd we work so hard, then? Just to put food on the table? Doesnt That was only part of it. You have to look at why people came to settle in

this country in the first place. The fact is, they came to escape oppression. Religious, economic, political, whatever. Thats what our Revolution was ministers intolerable regime for the colonieswas just a continuation of

built on, too. The oppression in Jeffersons dayGeorge the Third and his this theme. And after that, the move westward was more of the same. People leaving the oppression of the burgeoning cities, disintegrating families from the Industrial Revolution, dismal factories, or exorbitant land prices for a decent family farm. oppression.

So youre saying the work ethic actually came from the struggle against It came from Protestantism, but it was forged in the furnace of oppression. Oh, I like that. Put that in your speech. Im sure you do. I might just do that. Ive got the facts to back it up, too. Are you making fun of me? Would I do that? Well dont, because this is serious.

So go on. You were talking about the facts. I gave her an exaggerated sigh.

Everything is serious with you, but I wouldnt change that for the world.

pretty clearly that it was the desire for a freer life, not money, that drove will buy a freer lifeor at the very least buy the goods that will show Surprised? I was.

Okay, so when you read the histories and the personal diaries, you see

the average person. Today people go for the money, which they then hope that theyre somebody. The whole things been turned around backwards.

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today and you just assume its always been like this. Like chasing the dollar and what it can buy has been our religion from the get-go.

I do find it fascinating, actually. This time Im serious. You look around

She moved her chair closer to mine.

of American life turned from desire for freedom from want and oppression in the early days to a new kid on the blockhappiness via money and 1919! acquiring as much as possibleand I even told her the date it changed: She took a swat at me.

I know. Ive argued long and hard with Lahnee about it. I told her the focus

buying.

Now youve got my curiosity up. But youre saying Lahnee wasnt She didnt agree with the idea that its so recent. She said her people were

being stripped of their land out of European acquisitiveness all the way back in the 1600s. And thats true. But that wasnt America. The culprits then were Spanish adventurers looking for gold and padres looking for souls the Thirteen Colonies. I told her that in the colonies, the endless material background. Until 1919.

they werent tempered by the Protestant austerity and spirituality that shaped desire that was at the heart of the European tradition remained mostly in the She dipped a finger in her lemonade and flicked it at me, a habit

shed occasionally exhibited since high schoolmeant to express feigned indignation or frustration. So are you going to tell me what happened in 1919? I thought youd never ask. Keep it up and youll be telling your story to your woodcarvings out here All right, keep your panties on. I intend to.

because Im on that long lonesome highway heading south.

from oppression or, if that wasnt the issue anymore, we worked simply to

Okay, like I saidbefore that, with rare exceptions, we worked to get away

get fulfillment from satisfying our needs. Food, shelter, clothing, transport,

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all that. And once a week we stopped work to give thanks for what we had!

the typical American found that the best way to serve family, community and country was no longer to be a good citizenhonest work to be a productive personbut to be a good consumerbuy whatever you could afford and crowded out necessity and the hearts desire. So what happened in 1919?! work harder to be able to afford it. Whim, now, according to the article, had

In 1919 all that changed. And by 1927 a journalist could write that that

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Chapter 31 We were used to sitting in the sun and browning up nicely. The Santa

Fe air was dry, the altitude took some of the edge off the heat and besides, creatures have been sunning themselves on rocks since the beginning of itself up on a rock and said, Well, this isnt too bad, now is it. So what happened? Huh?

time. The first creature to crawl out of the primordial ooze probably dragged

suppose you have to go for the drama, but Ive got places to go, people to meet. The Albuquerqueans await my return. Give me a break. Oh, that? Thats what youre going on about? The 1919 stuff? Sure. Where do you want it? Arm? Leg?

Dont leave me hanging here, Ben. Okay, youre writing a speech, so I

She gave me her fake-meanest-looking stare, which made me laugh. point, look no further than a guy named Edward Bernays. Who was he?

All right, all right. On with the story. If you want to know the turning

one. He was just a footnote in our history, but turned out to be one of those rare individuals whose legacy outdoes even the titans of his day, including Woodrow Wilson, the man who pledged to make the world safe for democracy!

Oh, you dont know? Well, dont feel bad, because youre not the only

and hired him in 1917 to help mobilize public opinion to support U.S. entry into World War I. Successful at that, he was invited to go with Wilson to the Paris peace talks when the war was overand him only twenty-six! The plot thickens.

I mention Wilson because hed heard of Bernays skills of persuasion

up for another glass of lemonade. Bear with me, Sarah, because you just might learn something. I know I did.

I cant tell if youre interested or just humoring memaybe to soften me

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She took a drink. Do tell. Try and stop me. Okay, back to Wilson. To help him be a more effective

negotiator at the peace talks, the so-called propaganda team that Bernays was part of was working overtime to portray Wilson as a champion of against the corrupt or just plain stupid monarchies that had led the libertywhich he waswho would promote democracy as a bulwark

Europeans to war in the first place. This seemed to tap into something deep surprise, that they ate it right up.

in the European mind that had been lying dormantand Bernays saw, to his They would, I guess, considering what theyd just been through.

Youd think so, of course. But dont forget that they had centuries of inertia holding them back. Europe was still mostly agrarian, and vestiges of the old feudal system still weighed them down. Thats why Bernays was so equality was surprising stuff for a whole continent used to bowing and level of society. So theres this whirlwind of new aspirations spinning

unprepared for their quick change of heart. The new talk of freedom and scraping to their kings and queens, not to mention their betters at every across Europe, spurred on by Wilsons humungous propaganda machine. desires among the populace.

To Bernays it was like an epiphanythis power of releasing deeply-rooted Im starting to get a sense of where this might be going. So go on. Lets see if Im right.

Youre sharp, because it took me about two years to figure it all out. To buy a little time to collect my thoughts, I picked up a stone and tossed it

toward the fish pond I was building. It hit the grass and tumbled into the asyet empty cement basin. Hole in one, I said.

Yes, but was the stone granite or sandstone? Or obsidian? You remember that day? I remember all, dear.

I smiled at her appreciatively.

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techniquereaching the deep, if latent, desires of the peoplemight just

Okay, so it struck Bernays like an errant foul ball that this same

work for the corporate world to generate more profit, just as it had generated incredible support for Wilson and his alluring promises of freedom. So he high-tailed it back to New Yorkin 1919theres that momentous date

changed the term propaganda to a more benign-sounding public relations, and opened an office. Are you still with me? Youre not daydreaming about that mud massage place up in Taos? A new car? Me in a bathing suit? Please.

get into this part of the speech, tell it with real passion and a little storytelling mixed in So where was I? Oh yeah, so Bernays went corporate. He refined his

Just checking. See, Im hoping Ron wont be bored by all this. If he can

ideas, tying them in with Freuds new theory that people were ruled by their irrational desiresremember, Freud had recently pried open the

subconscious mind for all to gawk atand Bernays figured he could use

those desiresharness them, so to speakto sell products, just as Wilson did to sell himself and his peace program. Bernays had an inside track, by the way, because he was Freuds nephew! Come on, Sarah laughed.

credence, not to mention have more than passing familiarity with them. And of course this was a completely new take on advertising. The conventional services and let the buyer make up his or her own mind. In other words, use a sensible approach because people were considered sensible. But practice at that time was to present information about the various goods and

No, Im serious. So he was maybe more inclined than most to give them

now to Bernaysbecause the Freudian revolution had convinced him that people werent all that sensible but in fact were full of irrational dreams and desiresone should appeal to that writhing pit instead. Thus the

transformation from what people needed to what people wanted. The next to that same irrational subconscious.

step so obvious to Bernays was to make them want something by appealing

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Like how? like this one.

All right, let me give you an example. Being a woman, I think youll Dont be so sure.

What, that youre a woman? Har har. No, that Ill like it. hate it. Okay, let me put it this way: Im guessing youll either like it or youll Hedging our bets, are we? But go ahead. Ill decide which.

American Tobacco Company. He was asked to find a way to get women to smoke, since they made up an untapped half of the market. At that time,

Thank you. So, Bernays most famous client in those early days was the

men generally forbid itthey considered it unladylike. Bernays consulted a prominent New York psychoanalyst about it, who agreed with him that men guarded it so jealously. Dont make a face! This storys true, every the cigarette represented the penissymbol of male powerand thats why word of it. So this was the social fabric Bernays would have to rip apart if American Tobacco. How?

he was to fashion a new garment for women that would pour big bucks into

models and debutantes for the annual Easter Parade. They would march along Fifth Avenue with everyone else in the parade but, on his signal, were to light up cigarettes and smoke them! And hed already tipped off journalists and photographers, claiming thered be a newsworthy

He decided on a deceptive little publicity stunt. He gathered a bevy of

demonstration by attractive suffragettes! And on cue the babes lit upthe that traveled around the world. I kid you not!

shock of the event guaranteeing not only nationwide coverage, but a story According to unnamed sources quoted in the articlesthink Bernays

herethese bold women had ignited their torches of freedom! Seeing such a brave display, women everywhere were emboldened to do the same, as an assertion of independence from the harsh regime of men. This, of course,

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tapped right into the pioneer consciousnessescape from oppressionand the ball started rolling! Sales went up?

smoking like trains. Jesus.

Is Oliver North the greatest actor of his generation? Women were

Jesus and Mary. So how bout it? Like the story or hate it? Love the story, hate the result. So you see what we have here, Sarah? An advertisement that didnt

have any factual information about the productthats a little touchy with cigarettesbut instead connected the product to a subconscious desire advertiserBernays! unrelated to the product but attached to it in their minds by the skill of the Sarah had a sour look on her face. So this is what started it all?

course, plenty of ad writers followed suit when word got out, and pretty soon the American psychic landscape was transformed into a veritable beehive of desires. A landscape that survives to this day, only a hundred times more

Bernays was probably the first, and for sure the most successful. Of

sophisticated. Its a landscape we inhabit every day, people buying things

not because they need them but because of a gnawing feeling that they want Even more insidious, if you can stand any more, is that over time

them. And why do they want them? Thats the advertisers jobto tell them! people have come to believe that they actually need these various things we call consumer goodsnot only to feel somehow satisfied, but to feel like complete, full-fledged members of society. Why? Because Bernays technique was so effective over the yearssoon used by everyone in businessthat it engendered an entirely new social ethic. You dont have a cell phone? A hairstylist? A microwave? A late-model car? Some designer clothes? Thats dereliction of duty, Sarah! Youve failed as an American!

I was getting worked up, as usual, and took a long breath before continuing. So this is how the culture of stuff began and took on a life of its own.

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Were immersed in it like goldfish in a squalid bowl and dont even know were swimming in itbecause its nearly all subconscious! She didnt look too happy. I guess that explains Christmas.

with family and goodwill. And dont forget baby Jesus in the manger. of individualists, independent thinkers.

Doesnt it, though. Stuff s national holidaymade holy by its connection So why did everybody fall for it? she asked. Were supposedly a nation Simple. It goes back to Freud again. Remember, he said that neurosis was

caused by repression of desires, so a lot of people at that time began to think that it was healthier to indulge themselves. This, of course, fed right into their individualism. Add to this the shift from a rural society to urban at that this with post-war elation and increasing prosperity and what have you got? An orgy of indulgenceThe Roaring Twenties! And if you look around, theyre still roaring! Sarahs mood was subdued now.

time and the subsequent breaking away from traditional valuesand couple

the turning point in the life of the spirit in our country and he quoted Zeus.

Sorry, kid, I said, but thems the facts. Walter Lippmann saw it as

Aristophanes in his newspaper column: Whirl is King, having driven out So how did we avoid it? You and me?

the first place. We just didnt want to play the game. were brought up differently. Me, I was born into it.

Pure contrariness, probably. Maybe thats how our gang got together in Contrary, thats me for sure. But why? I can understand your caseyou Its always been a puzzle to me. Why do some people fight back and

others accept the harness? It just seems that theres something inside people that ultimately recoils from the whole sordid scenarioendlessly buying I guess some people listen to that voice, others dont. Its a heck of a lot and then judging success, even worth, by belongings instead of inner life. easier to do what everybody else is doing, Sarah. And if they dont follow

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the crowd, dont fill their lives with stuff, how can they be anything but got no use for em! I laughed.

pariahs in our society? This isnt Indiawe dont want any saints! Weve So thats it for Bernays? He shoots one big wad and hes done? Not by a long shot. He was making money! And a fairly repetitive play

in his game book was to use well-known people in his ad campaigns. That wayagain, irrationallybuyers would subconsciously feel that some of the famous persons luster might rub off on them. After all, they were no longer just buying a product, they were purloining an imageand what still doing it today.

better image to associate oneself with but a well-known person? And were Purfume, right? Basketball shoes, cars, soft drinks, watches

and work it credibly into the speech if I expect Ron to use it. Right now its just dry bones. Think he will?

Id better rest my case. Ive got to hammer it into something more palatable

either on telling people what they want to hearthe patriotic speechor can do but stand back and let him make up his own mind. She looked at me sympathetically. Dont get your hopes up.

Ive got to get him to see how he can make a bid for Washington based

what they need to hearthe transformative one. After that, theres nothing I

head back to Albuquerque. She smacked me in the arm before she left and said with a laugh, Thanks for spoiling my day.

The shadows were growing longer and Sarah finally said she had to

sun tea made from herbs from our garden shed fertilized with her own excrement, I told her about what Id written in her absence and my Theyre not going to buy it, she said point-blank. What do you mean? conversation about it with Sarah. In less verbose fashion, of course.

Meelahnee came home exhausted and as we sat around drinking Indian

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stuff. Youve got to show a better way. I am. Where? Albemarle.

The Bernays story, who cares about that? You cant just knock

On the website. The articles. But especially Stef s manuscript about Thats there. What about here?

Where? Here in the notes for the book Im thinking of writing? Yeah. Wheres your better way? I dont know. Why not?

So youre saying, hey, you wanna know, go look at the website? Thats not going to fly. toward the bedroom.

With that she picked up her tea, patted me on the shoulder, and ambled

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Chapter 32 It was a tough couple of weeks. I was slaving away like a Mexican

field hand during the day and working my weary brain senseless for the Lahneesaid he had a jar of barbecue sauce for herand Sue called a

perfect word or phrase for the speech at night. Jack came over looking for couple of times, but thats about it. I didnt hear from Drew, or Camille for that matter, and Sarah was tied up royal studying for exams, so it was foot world outside? to the floor and face to the page and who knew what was happening in the Lahnee comes crashing home around nine-thirty every night. These

twelve- hour days are killing her but I cant convince her to back off. We any suggestions. Hes been bringing her lunch sometimes, saying hes

hardly see each other. I talked to Jack about it but he doesnt seem to have worried about her health. Im more concerned about her state of mind, as up from me. I try to pay more attention to her, take care of her better, but shes darned independent and fends me off. And now shes talking about find the time.

she seems to be taking everything so hard lately. Hope shes not picking that

taking some community college classesI dont know when shes going to So thats how things stand. Im hoping for a change, now that the

speech is finally finished. Its nearly one hour of pure homespun philosophy, with a heady dose of the Bernays stuff thrown in to shoulder it. I even interestingif they werent absolutely horrified. Ahem: included a quote from the book he wrote, thinking people might find it If we understand the mechanisms and motives of the group mind, is it

not possible to control and regiment the masses according to our will without their knowing it? This is not Stalin talking, but the father of American advertising.

And who is the we that he suggests do the controlling and regimenting? Corporate America! Mothers, fathers, bring your children indoors! Gird your loins for battle!

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from my brow, and made a time to sit down with him Monday after lunch. Come in, Ben.

I e-mailed a copy to Ron on a Saturday afternoon, sweat still pouring

taken to smoking a pipe, I dont know why, and he had his lips clamped on it when I walked in. now.

I could smell the sweet aroma of cherry blend tobacco. Ron had recently

Youve read it? I asked, seeing that he was fingering a hard copy right Yes, I have. Interesting. So?

What did you think? Red flags went up and trumpets blared flatly in my ears. Its truly a work of art. Almost like something Lincoln would write.

I tried to give it a heroic quality. Words that people would remember. settling around us in the still air. And your man Bernaysquite a character. I almost couldnt believe that story was true til I googled it. And theres a book out about him now, too. You certainly achieved that, he said, a cloud of pipe smoke gradually

achievement than disturbed by the results. What do you mean?

Yeah, but the author almost seems more impressed with the guys And theres where our problem lies. Simply that we live in an achievement-oriented society, Ben. You know

that. Almost any kind of accomplishment is lauded. Bad even becomes good because its an achievement. I tried to get a handle on what he was saying. You think the speech might backfire?

sales, and because we tend to evaluate things from an economic perspective, were more likely to look at the results in dollar terms than the effects on consciousness. You know the mantra: anything that creates jobs and puts

Theres a good possibility. Bernays devised a clever method to increase

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more appliances in the kitchen has to be good, and you dont have to be on one side of the political spectrum or the other to get behind that. But the guys a closet Stalinist. Yes, but hes our Stalinist.

I cant believe what youre saying, Ron.

I didnt know whether to laugh or jump out the window.

point out that what you see as an abuse, almost a perversion of democracy, can easily be interpreted by others as simply a more creative way to strengthen we pride ourselves on the things we have. I dont think it matters to most you cant deny that by any standard its been phenomenal. But thats so wrong! Prove it. the economyan engine to help drive commerce, so to speak. Dont forget, people what influenced their choices. Again, were looking at the result, and

Im not disagreeing with youdont get me wrong. Im just trying to

wasnt more positive about the possibilities this speech might open up. A

I knew Ron was playing devils advocate but it irked me that he

youthful independent like him should be full of fire, willing to take on the he should be starting his march right now. If he waited til he got there

world. If not him, then who? If he were to have any effect on Washington, and settled in, wouldnt he be eased into the way of the world? And

maybelooking at it from a practical standpointeven accept that way? And another, more sobering thought skulked uninvited into my mind. If I of the American Dream? couldnt influence even Ron, how was I ever to reach the hard-core disciples So youre saying you wont use the speech?

nothing more than to brand me an enemy of progress? Like I supposedly am? I asked angrily. He pointed his pipe at me sternly.

You want me to gamble my career on a fickle public who may like

knock down everything weve worked for. Is that what you want? That both

Dont take it personally. This is politics, remember? One misstep and we

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of us be silenced?

Better silent than to follow the party line, dont you think? Go home, Ben. Take the rest of the day off. Clear your head. Weve got That hit him hard, I could tell, but he tried to brush it off.

a campaign to mount and if were not on the same page, the gyro gets messed up and we wobble right off the cliff. Thats it? No revision, no hammering it into shape? But the curtain had already come down. from the ground up. Dont you?

Considering whats at stake, I think wed better take a fresh look and start

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Chapter 33 I tried to get in to see Ron for the rest of the week but he was always

busy. In the meantime I was reading and rereading the speech, seeing if tossed. Yet the more I scrutinized it, the more I realized it said exactly

there was anything about it so terrifying that the whole thing ought to be what needed to be said. In my mind that meant that Ron was not the man I thought he was. Or rather, I would have to take his place as the man I thought he was. I dont even know what that means.

outside his office, where I caught him rushing out with a paper cup of coffee in his hand. I wont go into what was saidjust more of what wed already said but louder and hotterother than to say I quit. Thats right. Like a that job country boy fed up with his hard-hearted hillbilly boss, I told him to take I went directly for the tequila and lemon when I got home, and

By Friday I was tired of his evasions and cornered him in the hall

before long I was in a somewhat more imperturbable state. What the hell intrepid enough to use it? Either way, something once bound had been loosed. Our vehicle had been rolling along so smoothly on superlative tiresoh that tequilabut now the rubber was detaching and slapped noisily against the wheel wells. You cant drive like that. You cant go anyplace.

did I care if he didnt like the speech? Or worse, that he liked it but wasnt

scholarship paraphernalia and couldnt afford the time. Besides, I knew

I thought of calling Lahnee but she was no doubt up to the gills in

how tough she could be sometimes. One false peep and I was liable to be

lambasted for betraying the sacred cause we were embarked on, even though lately I was less and less sure what that was. I had one more shot of tequila the bed for some much-needed rest. before putting the bottle away, wiped the salt from my lips and dropped onto I couldnt sleep, of course. My mind raced like a yearling at the gate, and

I tried to give some kind of order to my thoughts. What happened to that

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clarity of mind I had achieved in the desert? Whats happening to me out wilderness to find my center again?

here that I cant keep the ship of state on course? Did I need another dose of I was lost in such thoughts when I heard the front door open and

somebody walk into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and closing bedroom. It was Lahnees sister Mindee.

it again. A moment later someone was standing in the doorway of the What are you doing? I asked her. Dont you ever knock?

Just dropping off some pork ribs. Why? Dont you ever lock your door? I see youre drunk, she said.

She came and sat on the bed next to where I was sprawled. Maybe I am. Maybe I have a reason to be. Whatre you drinking? Ill have one, too. Cuervo, I said.

Oh, poor boy. Carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I didnt just send her packing. Cola.

She got up and went to the kitchen to retrieve the bottle. I wondered why Got any mixer? she called out. With Cuervo? Ugh. Wed better make it whisky, then.

two glasses.

I heard her rattling around the cupboards and in a minute she was back with I take mine mixed, she said as she handed me a glass. Cheers.

me. Her shorts were short enough to show every bit of leg, and she was barefoot, as usual.

I sat up and leaned against the headboard, she plopping down beside

sip and shuddering slightly. Tell me what happened. Its a long story. What isnt? I got time.

Im surprised to find you here in the daytime, she said, taking a massive

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Its not something I want to go into right now. You look terrible. Thanks.

She reached down and pulled the hair on my forearm. Ouch. What was that for? Ill take your word for it. See? Youre not that drunk. Thats a good sign. She knocked back another long slug of her drink. it across my cheek; did you think about me lately? across my consciousness. I didnt say that.

So, she said, wiping her lips with the back of her hand, then rubbing i Suddenly the thought of me musing mulishly about her breasts flashed You did! she cried. You dont have to. Its all over your face! So what were you thinking, What night?

Ben? Huh? Were you thinking about that night in the bathroom?

her hand. You lyin sack! You were, werent you! In an instant her demeanor changed.

You lie! she squealed with laughter and began slapping my thigh with So what if I was? Is there a law against that? I just wanted you to admit it, thats all, she said, more quietly now.

Youre a man, arent you? Youre not some saint, ya know. You dont always have to act so proper. Is that how I act? Isnt it?

She brushed her hand through my hair. I looked at her. Her tone was different somehow. As if she was

actually trying to leave behind the obnoxious little sister role. If it were

true, this became her more. I didnt tell her that, though, in case it was an act and her curtain call would come when I admitted I was taken in. Yet Mindee wasnt the devious type. She had wiles, no doubt, but was too

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unsophisticated to think seriously about actually conning somebody. I liked that about her, when she wasnt driving me crazy. She was pretty much guileless. She leaned her head back.

Ah, pain, leave me now.

the first time in weeks I felt halfway decent. I began to wonder what unseen burdens Mindee herself carried around day after day. the credit you deserve. You know, Mindee, I said finally, maybe sometimes I dont give you She looked at me with surprise. What do you mean? you for granted. I dont know. I know youve had a hard life and all, and I just kind of take Suddenly I could see vulnerability in her eyes. Thats the whisky talking. No, I mean it.

We were silent for a while. I myself was winding down a bit and for

She took another sip of her drink. hand.

It took you long enough, she said, hitting my arm with the back of her You keep hitting and pinching me and I might change my mind.

alive, dont you?

I just want you to know youre still alive. You want to feel like youre I couldnt argue with that. Actually, it was a thoughtful thing to sayand Howd you get over here? I asked, trying to bring the conversation back My cousin dropped me off on his way to work. How do you plan on getting home? Well, I was hoping you would ride me back on your handlebars when you In my present condition.

yes, I did want to feel like I was alive. Lately, Id had cause to wonder. down to a more mundane level.

got home, but I can see where that might be a little touch-and-go right now.

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Something like that. Though it would make a hell of a ride. Ill call you a taxi. together? Call a taxi? What, again? Is that what youre going to do now every time we get I didnt answer. What could I say when I didnt know the answer?

She was right, though. I did have a habit of pushing her away, sometimes out of propriety, sometimes out of dedication to my work. She always pestered me when I was right in the middle of something and I ended up she wound up out in the cold. The cold Santa Fe heat.

kicking her out. So where did that leave her? No home to speak of, really, Cmere, kid, I said, putting my arm around her.

stomach. In a moment she slipped it under my shirt and began to act out her version of a caress. Dont start, I said.

She leaned her head against my shoulder, putting her hand on my

Start what? she asked and moved her hand farther down. Dont, I said, pulling it away. yourself?

I caught her hand but she took it in hers and placed it under her blouse. Why not? she replied, putting it back. Dont you ever want to just enjoy I felt her breasts, so buoyant and ready there, and I could see them in

my minds eye just as they were that night of the party. Well, why not linger a bit? It was better than drinking myself stupid and puking my guts out on the bathroom floor. I stroked and kneaded them and this time didnt pull her.

away. Then her face was before mine, eyes closed, lips parted, and I kissed She responded with a whimper and pushed herself close to me. I put

my arms around her and held her tightly. In a moment we were lying side

by side and she was slipping out of her shorts, tossing them carelessly to the floor, then her top. As I was taking off my clothes she was kissing my face and my neck, my ears, and as we lay back she pulled me close to her saying,

Finally, Benjamin. I began to touch and caress her with growing ardor and

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she responded to me so beautifully and naturally that I could only marvel exploring like innocent children might do, and when we could no longer

at her surprising sensitivity. I dont know how long we continued like this, stand the apartness I entered her with a sweet slow thrust that thrilled me move inside her; see how good I am?

to my core. See, Ben? she whispered breathlessly in my ear as I began to And she was good; of that I now had no doubt. Good for my body,

yes, that was no surprise, but as I began to realize, maybe even good for my soul. How did I know? The pain and estrangement I had felt earlier were I was almost a man again. nearly gone. I wasnt a wretched, hopeless creature anymore; to my surprise,

as squid. I lifted myself up onto my elbows to peer at her face. She looked aware of where she was, she smiled at me.

I awoke to Mindees gentle purring in my ear, me still inside her, soft

so damn cute and sweet. My stirring woke her up and, suddenly becoming You fuck nice, she said almost shyly, her eyes still half closed. I dont

see why we cant do this sometimes. Ive known you since I was twelve years old. Its not that simple.

sometimes?

Why not? Were family, after all. Why cant we have some fun Is that what it was for you? Just fun? Why, wasnt it fun for you? What could I say but the truth? All right, then.

Of course it was. That and more. She kissed me again, as if to seal a pact, this time long and insistent. I began Oh, she said dreamily; I can feel that. Does this mean we can have a little If youre a good girl, I said playfully, wanting to now as much as she did.

to grow inside her. more?

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bad little boy.

Oh, youre bad, Benjamin, she said, pulling me close. Youre my I began to move again within her, and this time she started to make

the most exquisite small noises in the back of her throat. I was urged on

by the call of the wild and I became lost in a forest where angels were my handmaidens and seraphs my guides. I thrust deeper and deeper, as if to bury myself in her anemone-like softness, she matching me thrust for thrust wasntit felt so completely right. It was an accommodating hand held out when I was dangling over the abyss, and what could I be but grateful? Yet to my great disappointment it was over all too soon. We were panting like silently in each others arms, our bodies slippery with sweat, she nuzzling trying to catch her breath.

and crying out softly all the while. If this were wrong then Im wrong, but it

spaniels on the run and I think surprised by the intensity, both of us. We lay against my neck, sometimes licking, sometimes kissing, then inhaling hard, Where did you take me, Ben? she finally asked.

her. This was new to me, this heady animality, and I had no idea what it was all about. I didnt have time to deliberate about it, though, because just at that moment the front door opened and I heard Meelahnees voice.

I dont know, I replied and I really didnt, though I had gone there with

Mindee, are you here? Mom called me and said you were going to

open. Mindee was just sitting up, the blanket on the bed pulled up to her waist, me beside her holding my shirt like a loincloth.

Walking by the bedroom door she stopped in her tracks, her mouth wide

happening! Get out! Both of you get out of this house! Mindee, you little fucking Pawnee slut! I never thought youd do this to me! Get out of my house! Mindee broke into tears.

I dont believe this! she cried, her eyes filling with tears. No, this isnt

Why do you get everything? Why cant I have something, too? gone. Ben, take your things with you. I mean it. Out!

Ill deal with you later. Just get out. When I get back, I want both of you

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house and out the door. Mindee, still sobbing, tried to dry her eyes on the backs of her fists. Who does she think she is? Let her be on the outside for a change and see I put my arm around her bare shoulders. I was in a world of trouble but she Ill take you home, I said. I think I can ride okay now. She turned to me intently and grabbed my arm. I looked at her pathetic, tear-riven face. She looked disappointed. I dont really know. Come home with me, Ben. I dont wanna be alone in that house tonight. Okay, I will. But just til your cousin comes home. Then where ya gonna go?

She turned and I could hear her heavy footfalls as she ran through the

how she feels.

was the one who needed looking after just now.

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Chapter 34 I spent the night on a rickety old couchMindees cousin had come

home lateand in the morning before anyone was up, I was out the door. I couldnt go homeLahneed still be thereand there was all of seven dollars in my wallet.

the chain. I rode off who knows where, and when I got hungry and had to use the can, I had to start thinking about what I was going to do. Riding

As I unlocked my bike, I saw that someone had tried to saw through

slapdash around the streets wasnt a practical plan and somehow I ended up standing in front of a doorwaythe same doorway Stef and I had hauled pine wood and resin. Sues door. I knocked. Whats happened to you? ourselves up to nine years ago, heart-broken and soot-stained from burning When the door opened and Sue saw me standing there, she cried out. Is it so obvious? I asked as she hurried me inside and gave me a long hug. hot to drink. Youre not taking care of yourself, she finally said, going for something

in the living room.

I used the bathroom while she fixed us a cup of whatever and we met back Drink this, its an herb mixture. You want to tell me whats going on?

the events of the last couple weeks. Most of what I said was about Ron and by telling her about Meelahnee working overtime, her categorical rejection me out of the houseconveniently omitting the reason why. Where will you stay? I dont know.

Sitting down with her, I sipped the bitter brew and tried to put into words

the speech, following on my painful estrangement from Drew, and I finished of Camilles plan for the new Albemarle, and finally how she had just kicked

Dont be ridiculous. Youll stay here.

but gave me the key and told me to get whatever things I needed and make

I tried to decline but she wouldnt hear of it. She had to go to work,

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myself at home. Shed be back later and make dinner, just like old times. After all, it was your home once. She left and I waited til I thought Lahnee had gone to work, then I biked

over to my place. I walked in and who should be sitting there at the kitchen to see me.

table? My goodly wife. She was drinking a cup of tea and seemed surprised I thought I asked you to leave, she said, no emotion in her voice. I came by for some things. Wherere you staying? Id like to stay here.

image of you two on the bed out of my mind?

I dont think so. Do you know how long its going to take to get that I didnt answer. Probably never was what she was getting at, and I

really didnt want to face the implications of that. And now wasnt the time to explain my point of view, as she no doubt wasnt ready to hear that. For how long? I ventured. Can we talk about it? I dont want any part of it. So? Youd better find someplace, because its not going to be here. How should I know? A week? A year? You tell me. I dont want to talk about it. You made your bed; I hope its comfortable. Weve always gotten through things before.

not something you just get through. So where do we stand?

Sure we have, but things before werent you sleeping with my sister. Thats

Me here, you somewhere else.

to get together again. For my part, I wasnt sure I could live without her. She was as much a part of my own flesh as an arm or a handI needed her just to be whole. Surely she had to know that.

It was pointless to take it any further. Time will tell when shed want

seemed useful. It was like preparing for a camping tripyou didnt know

I got an old navy bag from the bedroom closet and filled it with whatever

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for sure what youd need, so you put in a little of everything. When it was full, I tied the lace at the top and slung the strap over my shoulder. Going back into the kitchen I saw Lahnee standing now, not doing anything in particular, just standing. Youre not working today? Tell me youre kidding. Sorry, Lahnee. I didnt know this would happen. Well, it did. So wherere you going? Sue said I could stay there. Youll be well taken care of. Her voice was bitter. What about you?

Good. She thinks youre the god of all thats right and just in the world.

been standing on my own since I was nine. I think I can manage. I took a breath and started walking toward the front door. I dont care that you found another woman, she said.

You mean whos gonna take care of me? You know better than that. Ive

I stopped and turned around. I could see emotion rising in her face now. gracious lady! She wasnt supposed to be just another little Indian slut!

I expected that, she went on; I really did. But she was supposed to be a She burst into tears and threw her cup at me. It hit the wall wide of the mark

and shattered. She loved that cup! I wanted to embrace her, but when I took a step toward her she put up her hand. Go, Ben. I left without another word.

desktop and uploading it onto the website. If Ron wouldnt step forward, I would. Now lets see if he had anything to be afraid of. Anyway, the more I thought about his run for Congress, the more I realized hed have to clip his wings close and chirp a familiar song if he wanted to get elected. Was direction I was fairly certain he himself believed in? I asking too much that he try to lead the country in a different direction, a

The rest of the day was spent at Sues, polishing up the speech on her

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We both slumped onto the sofa. fingertips.

Sue came home around four-thirty and made us a couple of margaritas. When did you shave last? she asked, feeling my whiskers with her Yesterday morning.

some clean clothes.

While I cook, youre going to take a shower and shave, hear? And put on Yes, maam.

shape. When was your last haircut?

Dont sass. Youre in the army now, buster, and I intend to whip you into I laughed at this and she gave me a good nudge.

yourself go like this. When you start work again, youve got to get back to your routine. And how about your tae kwon do? Are you still practicing? And if you want, I can take you to the ashram where I go. Im not going back to work. What do you mean?

Im serious, Ben. I know youve had your troubles, but you cant let

Im not going back to work. At least not that job. I quit. So what do you plan to do? I dont know. Ill find something. The next day I was sitting in green-walled state employment office

laying my case before a fidgety man behind a paper-cluttered desk. To paraphrase a ten-minute interview: So, what experience do you have? Education? No GED? No.

Staff member for a state senator. Newspaper columnist. Website manager. One year of high school.

dishwashing job or get you on at a burger place.

Sorry, youre not qualified to do much. I may be able to find you a

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How much do they pay? A couple of nights later I was nearly asleep when Sue crept into my Ben? Yes.

room. She lay down beside me on the bed. Are you all right?

She rested her hand on my chest and put her face to my cheek. Its so good that youre back here. Im glad to be back. Are you really? Yes.

It seems like ages ago, doesnt it. Sometimes. But youre back now. the lips.

Then, to my surprise, she started kissing me, first on the cheek, then on Whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I dont know. I just It could be. This is notthis is not us, Sue. No, it couldnt. You know that. Remember the way it was? That was us.

back to her room.

She hesitated a moment, as if letting it sink in, then got up quietly and went What the hells happening to me, out here beyond the gates of Albemarle?

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Chapter 35 Living with Sue again wasnt all it was cracked up to be. You get

tired of someone fluttering around you all the time. Id always been free and easy about the way I lived and here she was, spinning this silken cocoon that I started to feel tightening around me. When I kicked her back a bit she was hurt, though I could see she tried not to show it. If we were to stretch this out, no doubt a long-suffering air would begin to settle about her. If I did for me was for her own recompense. mentioned it, shed probably say that it was okay, because everything she To add to my vexation, I was twenty-two and working at a carwash.

All the guys there called me college boy. The pays not bad, considering that Sue wont take any money for rent, and I find the physical work get a lot done on my blog at night. Life stumbles onward.

invigorating. At the end of the day Im ox-tired but my minds unfettered. I Ron was shocked when he brought in the Lincoln for a washme

in hospital pants, Grateful Dead t-shirt, chamois in handhe didnt know whether to tip me or cry me a river. The job was still waiting, he said, but I declined. I told him that Timothy from the World Affairs Council in San of his in L.A. Ron grimaced and said that L.A. would eat me alive, and I replied that Id already been eaten.

Diego had said he might be able to line up something for me with a friend

Sometimes wed have an ice cream together and Id chase her around the sun ourselves like beached fur seals on the rocks. Time seemed to stand

I saw Mindee a couple of times a week. Wed mostly just hang out.

park, or wed go skinny-dipping in one of the upper creeks water holes and still when I was with her. She gave me something Lahnee never did: a kind of peace. There were no demands, no expectations. I didnt have to be her Sitting Bull, her Geronimo. Nevertheless, I tried to get over to Lahnees as much as I could,

though it was usually the cold shoulder when I was able to get through the

door. Jack was over there a lot, and I began to wonder what he was doing. I

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decided to come right out and ask him when he and a few of Sues friends came over for a barbecue. So whats up with Lahnee, Jack? I asked, sitting next to him in a lawn

chair. As I did so, I looked casually around to see if Sue was within earshot, as she always seemed to turn cool at the mention of Meelahnees name. Shes okay, Jack replied, gnawing on a chicken bone.

even let me in.

You say shes okay but most of the time when I go over there, she wont It takes time, I guess.

She lets you in easily enough. and taking a drink of wine.

He looked uncomfortable and bought some time by putting down his plate How about it, Nuez? I pressed him; is something going on over there? How am I sposed to answer that? First tell me what youre gonna do with What am I going to do with her? Shes my wife. Shes the center of my That answer troubled him and he looked down. Well? He looked at me with misty, pathetic eyes and my heart sank.

her.

world. What do you think Im going to do?

thought of hers always been there in front of me. I dont mind that youre been treating her right.

I love her, Ben. I cant help it. Ever since I saw her picture up in Taos, the

with her, seeing as youre my friend and all, but lately you havent exactly Are you sleeping with her?

He looked away and didnt answer. there to do the cleaning up?

Aw, Jack. So thats how it is? I make a mess of things and youre right in Sue came over with a bottle in hand. You guys need more wine? No, were okay.

She looked at us and knew something was up but said nothing about it.

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Instead, she rattled off the menu.

Theres more chicken and ribs. And Toby brought some fantastic steaks. So saying, she cautiously took her leave, looking back once to see if there Lahnee needs taking care of, Ben, Jack said.

was something she might have missed.

What am I supposed to do? Shes too independent; she wont accept care. Thats where youre wrong. Shes dying for it. She just wont admit it. He said it with such conviction that I could hardly doubt him. How can you know more about her than I do? I winced. Maybe Ive got nothing much else on my mind. You do. She told you that?

She doesnt tell me anything. Its in the blood. signs?

Im not a member of the tribe and you are, is that it? I cant read the Im not saying that. But youve taken the whole country as your tribejust

think about it, would ya? She cant do that. They wont have her. Shes not their people and never will be.

that her race made any difference to me.

I considered it a moment. It was ridiculous to think of that as a problem, or I dont care if shes Indian, dont you know that?

every day people wont let her forget it. The same people youre trying to help. Your people. Was I so dense? Still I couldnt see how that mattered. It had to be You know about Mindee? A little. Thats the reason, right? That I got struck by lightning with Mindee?

Youre missing the point, Shakespeare. SHE cares. She cares because

something else.

Lahnees upset because I wont give her up? She wants to tether me to one cunt for life and to hell with how I feel about it?

You are so full of it! If youre not satisfied with her, you can have all the

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cunt you want. As long as its not Indian cunt! What the hecks the difference? The difference is, you move up, woman-wise, she can accept that, even

keep on with you. She loves you, Ben. But start messin with Indian pussy and what does that make her? Just another damn Indian screwing a white boy. She wont have that. Shes too proud. She needs to be more in your eyes. So its Mindee or her?

No, more like Mindee or a white girl. I need Meelahnee, Jack.

This was a little much to take. I had no idea what he was talking about. You got Mindee. Like youre always saying, people in this country are We were about to carry on when one of Sues friends came over and said

never satisfied with what they have.

there was someone at the front door for me. I gave Jack a skeptical parting look and walked through the house to the front. There was a man in a suit he might have been one of Maliks men. Yes?

holding a briefcase standing just inside the door. For a split second I thought

Are you Benjamin Cross, son of Kirk and Donna Cross? Yes, I am. Youre a hard man to find. He opened his case. I have something for you, he said, handing me a large manila envelope. Whats this? My father!

I opened it and scanned the document inside.

Im sorry to have to inform you that your father has passed away. As you may or may not know, he acquired a considerable amount of money

in Italy from the sale of his paintings. He stipulated in his will that upon his death, you as sole heir were to inherit his estate. My dads dead? How?

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the money.

I dont have any details. I can only instruct you on how to claim The money?

Yes. As you can see, it amounts to just under two million dollars. I looked stupidly at the document in my hands. What happened to my dad? How can I find out? Was anyone with him? might possibly help you. heirs? Did he die alone?

My firm isnt privy to that, but I can put you in touch with someone who Was there someone with him when he died? Why were there no other

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Two years later. Chapter 36

PART V

now. The city lies at my feet. I sit enthroned in my spacious bungalow in Laurel Canyon, L.A.s woodsy artists and wannabes enclavemy

Someone who didnt know me would say Im sitting pretty right

neighbor on one side had been one of the Monkees; on the other a drug business. Hes told me that twice now. Says he wants to be a movie

dealer gone straight who now owns the citys second-largest carpet cleaning producer. He doesnt ask me to his coke-fueled parties but was happy

enough to sell me an old Harley shovelhead from his outlaw daysIm carless as usual and you cant find a bus to anywhere near where youre going in this town. He also tried to sell me a .38, saying I might need it sometime. I replied that trouble only came to those who invited it, unless you were one of those unlucky lottery winners caught in somebodys sights at the wrong time, but Id take those odds. Mindees with me, though shes got her own room downstairs. She

slept in my room the first night she came, following me out about a month

after I left Santa Fe, but I guess her sisters moccasin print was just too big

and she said in the morning that she wanted her own room. Meelahnee casts a long shadow, and maybe this is how Mindee justifies living with me. Its a way to keep the door open, if Lahnee decides to speak to either of us again. The relationship with Mindee is the sameblissful and uncomplicated and she spends half her time figuratively curled up at my feet like a it. Theres nothing she wont do for me.

contented cat. For my part I treat her like a queen, and she just cant get over Jacks living over at Lahnees now. Has been for quite a while. He cant

stop apologizing to me about it, though he says its strictly platonic and

hes sleeping in the other bedroom. He confessed he never did touch her contrary to what he implied at Sues barbecue that timebut I figured as much, even then. He said he just wanted to shake me up some so Id be a

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little kinder to her, and also maybe even to go up a notch in status in my

eyes. I told him that wasnt necessaryhe was already top dog. And if I

cant have her, who better to watch over her than the Nuezwhos in love with her. And the guy wouldnt hurt her, either, which is more than I can to others. And its either relinquish part of that self and get back into the say for myself. I never knew that trying to be oneself could be so painful groove, or follow the call and be cast out. I love Meelahnee so much that I

cant stand it sometimes, while I care deeply for Mindee but not in the same way. Not by a long shot. Yet if I have to choose, and I guess I have, Ill take Mindee. Why? Because unlike Meelahnee, she has absolutely no plan for meshe just wants to be with me. Ive never felt so free. Timothys L.A. friends job never materialized, but I decided to

come out anyway. I tried looking for work here as a mediator, but I found They wanted me to spend two years in a classroom learning what Ive

that in California you have to have a credential to even wipe your behind. already been taught and had been practicing periodically for years. When I tried to circumvent the massive sieve and ply my trade privately, I got a letter in legalese from the state mediation society ordering me to cease and desist. Its amazing the hoops you have to jump through to make a living, working at the carwash. here in the land of the free. If I didnt have my dads money, I might still be How Camille found out about the money, I dont know. Id no sooner

deposited it in my account in Santa Fe than she was at Sues door, trying to massage me into saddling up my funds with hers and wed ride off for the new Albemarle together. That night she performed an operatic fellatio for stuck her dissolute tongue in my mouth, whispering through the kiss that as Advocate, I would have access to all the temple maidens day or night.

me in her car, and afterward wiped her lips left and right on my cheek and

She disgusts me. From what I read in Stef s book, our own Advocate never once availed himself of the templethough it was his idea to set it up. His notion was to provide a channel for real intimacy for anyone who needed itespecially those lonely souls unable to find it on their own and were

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spiritually starving for a connection to the raceand then only once a week! Didnt Camille understand that, she who tried to commandeer the temple in the name of Ishtar so that the maidens within would be worshipped as goddesses? Did she think me a sucker for a tawdry thrill? Or did my to see how far shed gomerely confirm her belief?

acquiescence to her advances that night in the front seat of the Mercedes In any case, how did she know about the money? I began to suspect

again that she was somehow in collusion with John Malikhow else would me when I was a boy I didnt kick her to the curb, but when I left Santa Fe shortly after that, I gave Sue instructions not to let her know where I was headed. Not that she couldnt find out anyway. Sue was an angel about my leaving, though she cried a stream of

she know so much, even the amount? In deference to the years she mentored

tears ankle-deep during the two or three days before my departure. She

wanted to come with me but I just couldnt live with her anymore and told that Id think that. When I asked her if I wasnt papering over the gap left week when I got here, but after a month or so her voice started growing

her so. I said I was tired of filling Stef s shoes for her and she was mortified by his absence, she didnt reply. That said it all. I told her Id call her every distant and I could tell she was drinking again. After that the calls, growing

increasingly unpleasant, gradually tapered off. She rang me in a rage at three a.m. once and shouted that Stef was a better man than me any day and it was the last I heard from her. Drew called me! Hes here in L.A. now. He had started his own

computer game company and soon outgrew Santa Fe, not only as a

workplace but as a playground. The Porsches long gonehes driving

a Lamborghini now, and dating a flock of Hollywood starletsB-movie material, he says, but thats just the first rung on the ladder, according to him. Hes also on the verge of signing a contract to produce an animated

TV series based on one of his games, though thats apparently in litigation

because the journeyman creator of that game wants a bigger cut. I asked him

whos going to do the music for the series and he says theres no music, only

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sound effects, for which hed already hired a technician. If hes happy, why should I keep trying to help him become the person hed always wanted to be? I really needed to let him play in the backyard of his own choosing. I see him two or three times a month nowhes so damn busy. We met up when he first came out, a reunion that hopefully put the recent past behind us. I never forgot how he stood up for me those many years ago, and that kind of thing just doesnt let go of you. Losing my dad was a terrible blow. Though he left when I was

six, I guess I never gave up the idea that Id find him someday and wed be together again. Id sit close to him and beg him to tell me tales of the artists life in a faraway land. Wed rent DVDs and Id make popcorn for

him with just the amount of butter hed like, and laugh with him when the him all about mom and how she never remarried but found real happiness at Albemarle. I would read starry passages about her from Stef s book and hed say things like, She was a wonderful woman, Ben, and I was a

movies were funny and wed mist up together during the sad parts. Id tell

fool to leave her, that sort of thing. Most of all I wouldnt be angry at him The past could be buried and its final resting place forgotten.

anymore. Id tell him that as long as he was back, thats all that mattered. After the executors agent came to the door that day, I borrowed some

money from Bob to go to Italy to find out what I could. The agent had given me a name and address of somebody in Perugia who was apparently a longtime friend of dads. I took a taxi there from the bus station. I was dropped off at a modest cottage on the grounds of a vineyard, how big I couldnt around sixty opened the door. tell because night had already fallen. When I knocked, a gray-haired man I wouldnt be wrong if I thought you were Benjamin, he said in a sad,

milk-soft voice; I knew your father well. The names Franklin. Please come in. It was dim inside and he led me to a kitchen table where a candle

burned. There was a bottle of wine and a half-filled glass next to it. Put your bag down and have a seat. Ill get you a glass.

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expectant look.

He rejoined me and we had a quiet drink. Finally he yielded to my We were together fourteen years, your father and I. Then, as if

anticipating my obvious question: No, it wasnt like that. It was a friendship. I took an interest in him when no one else would. Nothing more. Youre American.

Your father was still struggling and I bought some of his paintings to help him out. Not that they werent goodtheyre worth plenty today. But in those days I was a refugee from the dream factory and he was trying to three daughters but I never had a son, so Kirk fortuitously filled that department. I hope Im not being coarse. fulfill a dream on his own and we just sort of gravitated together. I have

Yes. Retired. I came here fifteen years ago to get away from the rat race.

He drank upI could tell hed already had a fewand continued. Sowhat else do you want to know? Everything!

Sisyphus ascending the hill, only in the end he didnt slide so far back

I spent the next two hours enthralled by the saga of my father as

down. His break came with a show in Milan and the fashion money started coming in. Theyre always looking for a new darling, you see. Fortunately, piece of furniture in their salons. he was man enough to keep biting their hands and so never became another I asked him why hed left mom and me.

him til the end.

I cant answer that. I do know that he kept a photograph of you two with Did he have other women?

too much to drinkwhich was rare because his one-track mind could only the East and the like.

Dont ask foolish questions. But I can tell you this. When hed have a little

see the workhed say things about Donna like she was the morning star of You know her name.

Of course. And hed talk about you, too. Said he spent hours teaching you

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how to throw the frisbee.

Yes! And Ive wanted to tell him for so long how good I got at it!

but he did talk about you. I mean that. But you have to understand that the work consumed him. It wrapped around his shoulders like an iron mantle. And he just couldnt go back to the merry-go-round, even if you were on itit it is.

Dont take this like Im playing it for your benefitwhich Im not

would cause him to wither away. Maybe you cant understand that, but there Why didnt he keep in touch? Call once in a while to see how I was He took a long sip and refilled his glass, then mine.

doing?

pain of loss is a funny thing, Ben. You think you want to keep a connection upitll only fester. You have to cover it and let it be. He took a drink.

He couldnt. He told me he called Donna once and was sick for days. The

somehow but if you try, it tears you up. A wound cant keep getting opened

I see that you dont understand, but thats the best I can explain it to you. And the money? Why didnt it go to you? wouldnt admit it. A legacy for you, Benjamin. He wanted it for you. That was part of his drive, I think, though he Ill share it with you. I really dont need it.

Ive got the paintings he sold me to leave to my daughters.

No, that wouldnt do. Besides, Ive got a little nest egg of my own. And Some small measure of satisfaction passed across his face.

asking.

How did he die? I asked, wary of upsetting him but unable to refrain from He collapsed at his easel. I found him half-conscious in the afternoon. As I You were with him when he died? Yes. Yes. Were you holding his hand?

waited for the doctor, he passed.

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I released a sigh Id been holding in for many days. So what am I doing now? A lot of nothing. Sitting around the house

watching TV with Mindee; kicking around town watching the dreamy

parade in all its splendor; biking the Harley up Pacific Coast Highway to

Ventura, tanking up on whisky and beer at some beachside bar and chatting up the ladies, then driving back drunk to L.A. and me and Mindees little nest in the tangled tree of knowledge of good and evil.

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Chapter 37 Why dont you stay in Italy for a while? Franklin had asked me. You I couldnt do that. My place was in the States, where there was much work

might find youre much happier here. Many come and never go back.

to be done. I did extend my ticket for six weeks so I could hitch around

Europe a bit, see what all the fuss was about. But before that, we spread my fathers ashes in the vineyard I was told he loved so dearly. That meant a lot to me, more than I can probably say right now. Then it was a whirlwind loop: Aix, Paris, Berlin, Heidelberg, Prague, Budapest, Rome, and lots of hamlets in between. And on back to Santa Fe to see if the job Timothy had been trying to line up for me in L.A. had panned out. Like I said, it hadnt sitting pretty. but I went anyway. That was two years ago and here I am. Twenty-four and Mindee got up early this morning and crawled naked into bed with

me. She was always naked in the morning, often til noon. Snuggling up to

me as she usually did and whispering in my ear as she loved to doalways to see the famous stars on the sidewalk and maybe even a real movie star. No, Im serious. Itll be fun. often.

with a giggle or twoshe asked me if we could go to Hollywood Boulevard Why dont we stop in hell while were at it? I said. Its on the way. So would driving into a brick wall, though I wouldnt want to do it too Please?

more than that, didnt she make my life bearable? I could hardly imagine a day without her now. Meelahnee had been manna to me beyond words but something was missing. A part of me. A part that I had to renounce because she had been such an exacting partner. You had to live up to her standards. With Mindee the opposite was true. She demanded nothing, and in that Except Meelahnee.

Of course Id take herhow could I not? She deserved it. And

spacious room without walls I was emancipated. I had everything I wanted.

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Okay, but only because youre so damn cute. Am I? You know you are.

like nothing else. Soon we were in that wild land again where birds of

She started kissing me in earnest now and her deft touch aroused me

sublime plumage shrieked madly and fierce animals shook the ground as they trampled through the underbrush. When we finally re-emerged into civilization, I was panting at her breast. Only for you, Min. My Benjamin. Youre an animal, she said, stroking my hair. She continued stroking. I loved it when she called me Benjamin. I really did.

up for the bike ride. I cranked up the Harley, using all my strength to come

We dressed and had our coffee and a couple of sweet rolls, then suited

down hard on the kick-starter, and on the fourth kick it thundered to life. My neighbor the former drug dealer, who for some unknown reason had started calling himself Roberto, feared for his life in the old days and had invested thousands in engine enhancements, so when I say we sped off down the canyon, you might better appreciate what that meant. Too much throttle

and the bike could run right out from under you. I had to have a sissy bar installed so Mindee wouldnt fall off the back. And at every traffic signal also on account of the loud and unmistakable potato-potato-potato sound couldnt drive a Porsche or at least a Benz, you could pass nicely with a we were the object of attention, not only because shovelheads look bad, but of the engine idling at the light. To be somebody in L.A., Drew said, if you Harley. The only problem was that Mindee always tried to feel me up while we were riding. I told her not to because of the crash factor, and she always replied that she was obeying a higher authority. What authority is that?

You know, and you dont want to make that authority mad.

We cruised up Hollywood Boulevard and couldnt find a place to park,

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so we had to look for one on a side street. up her visor to be heard.

Gee, this isnt a very good neighborhood, is it, she shouted, lifting Hollywood isnt what it seems, I hollered back, easing to the curb.

and stepped out of the saddle. She followed.

Shutting down the high-strung V-twin motor, I dropped the kickstand Wheres all the movie studios? she asked, looking around at the modest Youre such a damned tourist, I replied while locking up and setting the

stucco houses frankly bordering on the shabby.

alarm. When I stood up and saw by her face that shed taken this badly, I pulled her forcibly to me, pressing stomach and hips against hers.

that she was easily hurt, and sometimes needed to be handled roughly to cut She just wouldnt believe me otherwise. Most of the time the clouds blew actually pleaded for forgiveness, and Ive never had to do it againshes been in happy valley ever since.

And thats how I like you, I added. She melted immediately. Id found

through the momentary pain and let her know how important she was to me. right away, and the other couple of percent, well, one time, I kid you not, I

in about five minutes were approaching Graumans Chinese and the walk tugging at my arm to go faster. Soon, we arrived.

We walked three-quarters of a block to Hollywood Boulevard and

of fame. I had zero interest in such kitsch, but Mindee was moon-eyed and Hey, look Min. Lawrence Welk, I teased. You know him, dont you?

him at school at Albemarlemy pop culture of the twentieth century class.

Of course she had no idea who Lawrence Welk was. I did. I studied about

Sure, I knew all about him and other band leaders, too, like Benny Goodman and even Spike Jones. Hey Doodles, your hairs getting thin. Yeah, well, who wants fat hair? Ha! Thats a killer! What are you talking about? Lawrence Welk, I said. You know, wunnerful, wunnerful. Nothing. Go find somebody you know.

She skipped off like a schoolgirl, stopping only a second at each star,

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hoping to find someone who meant something to her. I watched her. Was about her flat chest and flat nose and who now as a nineteen-year-old eyes?

I actually falling in love with her, this twelve-year-old who I used to tease seemed to have an aura so bright I sometimes felt I almost had to shield my All around us were tourists from Kansas or wherever, oohing and

aahing with cameras pointing, but Mindee seemed to float above them like a white dove on the wing. She was no profane stargazer but a child on a mission.

like a botanist discovering a rare plant. Then she slowly dropped to her of a dear relatives ashes.

Suddenly she stopped, maybe fifteen yards distant, circling a star intently

hands and knees and began to touch it gently, stroking it as if it were the urn I approached with care, not knowing what I was in for. As I got

closer, I saw that she was crying. I dropped to my knees right next to

her on the sidewalk. Dare I look at the star and be disappointed at her superficiality? Would I have to admit that she was no spirit sent from another, more ancient world to succor the suffering but was merely a the star, I worked up the courage to look down.

common brat whod seduced me with her juvenile charms? As she caressed Jay Silverheels, I read from the bronze.

seen her express before. reading from a script.

You know him? she asked, now looking up at me with emotion Id hardly Of course. Tonto, the Lone Rangers faithful companion, I parroted, as if Then it dawned on me. Among all the white-eyes and smattering of black

brothers and sisters, there in bronze for all to see was an Indian brave. Not only an Indian but a good Indianloyal, steadfast, intelligent, sober!

her body shudder in small paroxysms of emotion. Tears fell on the star. Why, Ben? Why did they make us suffer?

I put my hand on Mindees back. She looked down again and I could feel

The Lone Ranger was nothing without Tonto, I said earnestly, aware that

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passing tourists might well snigger but I didnt care because I was operating on another level now and found I was perfectly serious. Of course I do. He wasnt, was he. You believe that, dont you, Ben? Dont fuck with me, Ben. She eyed me closely. No. Okay, then.

Im not. I believe it. Look at meam I lying to you?

She caressed the bronze again. Im so proud. for him. You should be. You have every reason to be. Im proud for you and She looked up at me again, suddenly and violently embracing me.

up, never lets go, no matter what! Will you let me? I already have. With all your heart? was clear.

I wanna be your Tonto! she cried. I wanna be the one who never gives

I needed only a fraction of a second to think about this, but the answer With all my heart. She held me tightly. I love you, Ben. Yes, I do. I do.

Do you know what youre saying? Well, good, I said with a sudden unexpected warmth suffusing my face, I dont care what the tourists thought, or the cop on the beat; this was

because I think I love you, too.

our moment. This was our own kitsch, our brazen alleluia time in the hot sun on Hollywood Boulevard.

and never failed to dab me on the nose with her cone if she could catch me

On the way home we stopped for an ice cream. Mindee loved her ice cream,

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when I wasnt looking. Cut that out! You like it, admit it. Eh, kimosabe?

table in front of the run-down baroque-looking kiosk. After that she licked in animal pleasure. What?

I gave her a vanilla French kiss to shut her up as we sat there on a picnic

and licked like it was the last cone in Disneyland and her face was transfixed Marry me, she suddenly said. You heard me. Lets get married.

You know Im still married to Meelahnee. Why should I deny her anything? You havent asked me yet. Asked you what? To marry you.

I dont care. I want you and me to be married. Forever. Okay. We can have a ceremony. Ill find a church or something.

Okay, will you marry me? You call that a proposal?

She pushed hard on my shoulder. All right, I said, trying to get in a more solemn mood, which wasnt

hard because I was beginning to see the increasing gravity of what we were doing. I took her hand.

exceptional young woman. Our time together has been so precious to me become my wife?

Mindee, I began, I find to my great happiness that youve become an

that I dont want it to endso will you say right here and now that youll I will! she cried, smashing what was left of her ice cream against my

nose and licking it off hungrily; Ill be your loving wife forever and ever and ever!

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Chapter 38 And so the time passed. I was finally able to find a place for a

wedding ceremony, Little Chapel on the Green, and Mindee wore a white the kiss, she snuggled up to my ear. she said gleefully.

dress. She looked gorgeous and I told her so. After the pronouncements and Ive wanted you since I was twelve years old and look at me now! I think then for the first time I felt she wasnt just toying with me to

even things up with her sisternot that I doubted her motives, but Id never been entirely certain where she stood until now. It eased my mind no end its been fun tossed over her shoulder, especially into the arms of some uncaring playmate. No, that wouldnt do. And now it didnt have to. because I couldnt bear the thought of her skipping out the door with an easy

the website as well. Most of the people who posted on the forum seemed to be conspiracy theorists who were out to prove that the government was the enemy, rather than to comment about how life at Albemarle could reflect

I havent written anything for quite a while, and was getting fed up with

one way of thinking that might be usefully transposed to the culture at large. That had always been my focus. Id been acting as moderator of the forum major from UCLA to weed out the weirdos. I checked in once or twice a month to have a look around. from the beginning, but now that I had ready cash, I hired an anthropology

coast. This time I ended up in Goleta, a surfer hangout and slumming

This week I took another of my head-clearing Harley runs up the

venue for disaffected junior profs from UCs Santa Barbara campus. And a variegated tapestry of glowing young womanhood carpeting the place! Id my throbbing steed and went in for a drink or three. and peanuts. I sat at the bar and ordered mine. have to tell Drew about it for sure. I found a dive near the beach, shut down Inside was driftwood and seashell dcor, and the drinking theme was beer

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me asked.

That your shovelhead outside? the man sitting on the stool next to Howd you know? I replied, surprised.

Had one myself. Cant miss that sound.

step. I saw a shot glass at the bottom of his beer mug.

He was fiftyish, a bit craggy in the face, doing a beard and sandals twoThe bartender brought my beer and I downed about half of it. I rarely used

the visor on my helmet so my throat was parched from the wind. The beer right about now.

burned a little on the way down but still felt good. A peanut would go nicely So, the man said, shelling one himself, what are you going to do when That isnt one of your more frequently asked questions, and I tried to get a Why, do you have some inside knowledge? He laughed a congested little laugh.

the universe ends?

handle on it. Talking with drunks was always a challenge for me.

death and empty pleasures is going to come to an end. Im just asking you what you intend to do about it.

Sure. I happen to know beyond a doubt that this great wheel of life and

He popped another peanut, chewed it some and washed it down with beer. Just hows it going to end? I asked him, thinking he meant the wrath of

God or something along those lines. the slightest bit crossed.

He looked at me directly for the first time and I could see that his eyes were One of two ways, my friend. Either the dark matter thats helping the

universe to continue expanding decays, letting gravity get the upper hand

to pull everything back together again in a gigantic implosionits called

the Big Crunchor it doesnt decay and the universe keeps expanding until the stars are so far away that we cant see them anymore and the night sky out, leaving us shivering in a cold, dark little sandbox. Where do you get your information? becomes black. And the sun, which is in its middle years now, finally burns

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He pulled a card from his wallet and handed it to me. right?

Astrophysics? I read. I see youre in your element, then. Cosmologist, Yep. And to think I could have gone into literature, so I could be sitting

here benignly bending your ear about the allegorical nature of Billy Budd or why Kerouac went downhill so fast after On the Road. Instead, Im forced to stare reality in the face and get up every morning and look in the mirror and pretend that everythings okay. He finished his beer and ordered another. Id better drink up, too,

so I could loosen up enough to take in what he was saying. Id been feeling so tight lately, what with the damned protective wall Ive had to build up around me, especially here in L.A. tinked to the bottom of the mug.

He took a shot glass of whisky and dropped it into his beer, staring at it as it You see what that means, dont you? he said without looking up. The end I tried to reassure him, which probably sounded ingenuous coming from a But thats not for, what, four or five billion years? Five, right? Isnt that the To do what? he replied. Paint another picture? Invent a new can opener? Id done a little homework in cosmology myself, and I could hardly find Let me ask you this, he went on. What are you doing now? Whats so

of time. The end of all that ever was, or will be. kid like me.

latest estimate? Weve got plenty of time.

Put up a mall somewhere? All is vanity, my boy. fault with his factsonly his conclusion.

important to you that you spend all your energy on it? What are you? An

attorney? A TV director? I can tell for sure that youre not slinging burgers. had belonged to my father. closely toward him.

He must have guessed by the flashy Patek Philippe I got from Franklinit How do you know its not just a knock-off? I asked, turning its face more Im talking about your eyes, not your blasted watch. Your eyes and the way

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you carry yourself. Somethings bubbling away in that head of yours and

you think its the most exceptional thing in the world. Tell me that isnt so! thing, so far that I hardly wanted to admit it to myself, let alone a stranger. I thought about lying and telling him I was a biology teacher or municipal clerkId been tempted to do that a lot lately. Then I wouldnt have to How could I tell him Id stepped back from that most exceptional

confess to the world that I hadnt succeeded one iota in what I had set out to do. What I wouldnt do to change places with Drew sometimes! To be able in on it! to accept the way of the worldwith neither pain nor shamethen to cash Maybe I do have a special thing. Youre saying its wrong to believe in No; only that you recognize it as an illusion.

something? Hope for something?

can happen.

Its not an illusion. When conditions are right it becomes possible. Things What things? If you dont mind my asking. Aw, what the heck. Okay, that we can be weaned from the cloying tit of the dollar, for starters. He took a long drink. You mean weve gained the whole world and lost our very souls? Thats exactly what I mean. And thats the illusion! he laughed heartily. Oh, I dont blame you, son.

I dreamed dreams when I was your age. Thats no sin. We need illusions to ourselves honest men.

face the day. As long as we recognize what they arethat is, if we consider Youre a nihilist.

Am I? I thought I was a realist.

my mouth. Two babes in short shorts sashayed into the bar and sat down. I might try to shoot the breeze with them later, just to change gears. I turned back to the good doctor. So you think that all dreams are illusions? I asked him.

I cracked open another peanut shell and dumped the proceeds into

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how big the edifice you buildits going to come crashing down. Or, in the case of the second scenario, be left dark and alone in a frozen landscape, surrounded by the cold bones of the human race. You must be hell to live with.

How can you believe otherwise? Even if youre successfulno matter

specimen of the race.

My wife says I can be cold-blooded sometimes, but all in all not a bad Maybe Id stepped over the line. At Albemarle wed always been taught to I didnt mean to criticize.

respect our elders, though thats not really part of the script out here.

night and whisper poisonous thoughts into their innocent ears?

But you think Im a monster, right? I steal into childrens bedrooms at The thought seemed to leave him with a bitter taste, as if it might somehow

have some truth to itand he went for the peanut dish, cracked open and munched two or three in succession. wrong question. basement.

You have any kids? I asked and realized immediately that it was the Yeah, he replied, shucking yet another nut, hes at home chained in the I tried to recover a sense of proportion.

going to say its pointless for that kid to learn anything, do anything,

I mean, whats a kids purpose anyway? A baby is born todayyoure

because whatever he achieved will be destroyedif not right away, at least in five billion years? Because if you are, youre dooming humanity. You know that, dont you?

humanity; the universal clock is ticking and when it finally winds down, we sorry creatures today are just a way station, a step in the biological experiment. Whether were a dead-end species or the springboard to a

Thats exactly what Im saying. And in any case, Im not the one dooming

Nature itself dooms humanity. Besides, our evolution is in its infancy, so

higher level, well never know. So whatever works of art or commerce

or conquest we achieve today will be irrelevant in the future, even if the

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universe werent on its collision course with destruction. If weve evolved from apes to thiswhat we call humanityin considerably less than one years. million years, try to imagine what might lie ahead in five thousand million How does this cross-eyed professor sleep at night? Would I want

him tucking me in? I wonder how Meelahnee would react to the guy. Shes heard it all from the white persuasion and would no doubt have her two might even agree with the guy, though her view of the shadows always headlight in. cents worth handy. And what about Sarah? There was a good chance she seemed more like lighting a candle in a dark room than shining a cold xenon So, I said, youre saying all is futile and we need our illusions to get Is that so far out of your reach?

us to stay in the game.

Understanding is a long way from acceptance. you at night?

So you get my drift but reject it? You prefer to have a warm puppy with Now youre being unfair. Not everyone who disagrees with you is a naf

or lacking in courage, you know. Besides, I notice you dont chug your

boilermakers. Why not? Because youre sensible. Youve weighed the odds. You dont want to end up crawling around the floor making a spectacle of yourself. Or youre thinking of your liver and its proper care and feeding. So I ask you: why? If all is futile, what difference would it make? You choose to drink dangerously, and yet you moderate that danger out of concern for the consequences. Why?

corner by trying to back me into one. answer to the question! He smiled.

You sound like a Jesuit now. You think you can talk yourself out of a Theres an ad hominem worthy of any politician. And not a mention of an

young friend.

Oh, youre a clever one. That just earned you the last word. Be well, my

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and sauntered out the door.

With that he stood up unsteadily, slipped a few peanuts in his pocket Things were tough out here. You never knew who you would have to

deal with. Growing up, my role models were all people who had agreed on self-fulfillment through service, with care of the land as its foundation.

certain principles, even if their goals were different. The cardinal principle: Rise to the top of Maslows hierarchy, but not selfishly. Relish your tribal

membership in the greater tribe of humanity. Be as unique as you are, but shared, something everyone could benefit from.

not for the purpose of standing out. Your uniqueness was something to be But things are different out here. More complex. Everyone waved

their opinions and personal achievements like flags unfurled. Look! Look at my flags! Theyre just as good as yoursmaybe better!so give me my due! And people who believed in servicecharity workers, teachers, of the pile.

volunteers, public defenders, caregivers, social workerswere at the bottom I ordered another beer and carried it over to the table in the corner

where the two girls in short shorts sat.

the two-by-four of someone elses reality and Id like to cheer myself up by telling you ladies a funny story or two. Are you game?

Hi girls, my names Ben. Ive just been knocked across the head with

minutes I had almost completely forgotten that in five billion years this little be either annihilated by implosion or lost in an empty, frozen eternity.

Of course they were, and I sat down to clinking glasses all around. In ten

table and its three communicants and all the dreams they could dream would

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Chapter 39 Id had my fill of the end of the world for a while, and tried not

to think of it much. Luckily, Mindee makes first-rate margaritasdouble the rough-and-tumble thoughts that clutter my mind so much at present.

tequila in minethis and her innocent animal exertions help smooth over Thus the days are made tolerable. The nights, though, were a world apart, alone in the stillness, thoughts of Meelahnee flood my consciousness in numbing waves until sleep blots them out.

as I keep asking her to stay in my bed and still she demurs. At these times,

thrown in for good measure before he cut the ignition. Mindee was sitting used to it by now.

Drew rolled up one morning in the Lamborghini, a few throaty revs

naked with her coffee cup and didnt budge when he walked in. Drew was You really ought to lock your door, he said to me, sliding his sunglasses Im trying, I replied, tossing an afghan over Min; I just cant seem to get You lock the Harley, dont you?

to the top of his head.

my head around the idea, thats all.

someone elses house I did, didnt I?

Yeah, but I can imagine someone walking off with a bike. Walking into

Yes, but youre not going to walk out with anything. Except maybe Mindee, he said, winking at her. Flatterer! Sit down, I said; the coffees already made.

I always knew when he was leading up to something. His voice, ever So whats on your mind, Drew? All right; lets take a ride.

We bantered awhile until he could build up to what he had come for.

enthusiastic, cranked up a notch. He couldnt keep anything from me. He laughed in comfortable recognition.

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leather was irresistible, the luxurious interior a feast for the eye, the mighty whine of the engine strangely melodious, and most seductive of all, the thrill of acceleration that pinned your head to the headrest and caused your stomach to flutter. This made Drew the bestower of these gifts, and most people couldnt help but be grateful. According to him, that was the power of such a car: the feelings it could help you create in people. Feelings you might be hard-pressed to create in them on your own. Imagine the difference between kissing someone or first giving them a line of coke and then kissing themsuch was the difference in the level of intensity you could offer influence this gave him desperately exciting. Hed told me as much. Wherere we going? Mulholland Drive. in a Lambo. In crass terms there it was, as he described it. He found the

He loved getting me into the Lambo. He knew the smell of new

turned onto Mulholland. It wound dizzily along the top of the ridge between the L.A. basin and the San Fernando Valley. Drew stopped at a gravel turnout and revved the engine before shutting it down. We climbed out literallyand stood looking down at the City of Angels. He took a deep breath. Smell that sage? I love it up here. And the citys at our feet.

We drove up the woodsy, house-studded canyon to the crest and

the arm.

Someday, my son, all this will be yours, I teased, elbowing him in He looked at me with mock disapproval, then back to the vista before us. Why do you turn your back on it, Ben? Dont you know by now?

like us.

But look at it! Its magnificent! And the opportunities for smart guys Smart guys like you. Im not the brainy one here.

were miles ahead of us!

Get off it. Look at your education. When you first came to Santa Fe, you For all the good its done me.

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Thats what I mean. Use it, for chrissake. Dont waste it. You think Im wasting it? What do you think?

something of your life, wasnt that a waste? What use was my education,

Was he right? If you werent using what you had to make

my knowledge, if I wasnt doing something tangible with it? Sure, I could but where did that leave me? A pariah who appreciates life! Yippee-shit! apart as we speak.

maybe appreciate life a little more, even experience it on some deeper level, I cant just jump on the bandwagon, Drew. For gods sake, its falling Youre so full of it. Look down there. What do you see? Beverly Hills,

Bel Air. Look at the houses, Ben, the tennis courts. The pools. Look at La Cienega Boulevard, Sunset. Look at Century City over there, reaching up to the sky. Theres life down there. Dreams. Activity. People are excited. to me, the fallen beams.

Wheres it falling apart? Show me the cracks; point out the crumbling walls Theyre thereyou just cant see them.

Sometimes I think youre a little crazy, you know that? You talked crazy enough in high school. Yeah, but that was high school. Youre like a brother, Ben. I know that.

Like the damn thunderbird, is that what youre saying? The invisible beast?

He put a muscular arm around my shoulder.

All right. Listen to me, then.

Lambo, its vertical doors still up, looking like a great bird ready to fly, to swoop, to grasp what it needed to fill its belly and live. You like that car, dont you, he asked. Yeah, but Whats with the but? Get one. I couldnt, I said.

The smell of sage was sweet, the morning air yet cool. I glanced over at the

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Why not? I know you have the money. Its not a question of money. What is it, then? Its hard to put into words. You think Im afraid? Arent you? Afraid of what? what's rightfully yours. The car?

Ill give you a word, then. Fear.

Afraid of grabbing life by the tail, of jumping in and taking hold of And I should invest in a machine instead of my own mind and heart? Its a machine, isnt it?

Thats all it is. You wouldnt pound a nail with your fist, would you? That carll open up so many doors, you wont know which one to go in first.

And just what do you think a machine is? The devil incarnate? Its a tool.

Suddenly people are listening to you. Women stand close to you, dont look away when someone else walks in the room. Young guys ask your advice, work. But its just a tool. want to be like you. Thats why its such an expensive toolit does a lot of You sound like a salesman. Were all salesmen, kid. Thats crude.

advertisement. Do you deny it? Its more than that. What more?

Of course it is, but what can you do? Christ, even your websites just a big

Its a vision of the future. How is yours any different? I couldnt answer.

Isnt that what every ad is? Theyre all saying, imagine, this could be you.

Look, he said softly, Im not knocking it. Youre writing good stuff and

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I know how many years now youve worked on it. But let me ask you one questionhave you converted anybody? One single person? It was an assessment painful to confront. Not as far as I know.

turned more heads the first day I bought the Lambo than you have in how many years of your precious website. Thats a truth you have to face. Okay, so maybe he was right about that. Thats what made it so hard. How

Let me tell you a great truth, then. One Im sure you already know. I

much longer could I languish in exile when the world was waiting to give hueless fog and I can hardly see out of it sometimes. You got a better idea? I asked.

me my due if only Id ask properly? Weariness hangs over me like a damned

shows a go for sure, and I need you.

Come and work with me. Well climb the mountain together. The TV Tell me youre kidding. In what capacity?

get half of that. Could be one, maybe two hundred grand a year. And if we

Associate producer. I already negotiated twenty percent of the gross; you

eventually syndicate, the skys the limit. Its not all office grunt, either. Its a concept showyou can write to your hearts content. Work with the talent. Hire the script girls, keep the animators happy. Design our wing of the and have some fun? studiofly to Paris for the art. Cmon, arent you ready to get off your ass Why would you give me half? You did all the work.

a hand. A good hand. Besides, I dont trust anybody in this town. I trust you. Do you know what youre asking me?

Ive got my game business to worry about, dont forget, so I seriously need

wicked world is really as bad as you make it out to befrom your safe little I was silent a moment.

I know exactly what Im asking. To take a chance for once and see if that

retreat on the outside looking in. Im asking you to come in, test the waters. So how about it? he pressed. Will you at least think about it?

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Okay! Ill think about it.

Thats better. You wont regret it. He laughed.

But Im not buying a fucking Lamborghini. Suit yourself.

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Chapter 40 The following week we had heavy rains and Mindee and I were up

til midnight one night, sandbagging the retaining wall behind our patio to drive and into the street. Failing that, the house itself might end up in the street. I was impressed with Mindees strength. She couldnt quite lift a

get the water coming down the hillside to run around the house, down the

sandbag but if you tossed it to her just right, she could swivel it around and

stack it handily. And when I finally wanted to take a break because my back we keep on til the wall was secure and a channel for the water created. I

was killing mehers must have been, tooshe wouldnt let me but insisted watched her in the floodlight; dirty, soaked to the skin, hair bedraggled and

dripping, barking orders to me like a zealous field commanderI took heart and worked all the harder. I had no idea she was so tough. And so protective of the nest! When the work was finally done, we took off our muddy clothes,

sprayed each other off with the hose, turned off the floodlight and sank into the hot tub, the rain still pouring down on us. Snuggling up close to me, an erotic touch. We were too exhausted for that. It was more a friendly she reached down and began stroking me slowly, though it really wasnt celebratory gesture for a job well done. When I tried to reciprocate she asleep. I lifted her carefully out of the tub and carried her to her room. towel.

pulled my hand away. No, she was content just as we were. Soon she was Setting her on the bed she half awoke, and I started drying her off with a We did it, didnt we, she mumbled sleepily. Yes we did, Min. Im proud of you. You always say that but you dont mean it.

before I had a chance to refute her, I heard her snoring lightly.

She lay back and rolled onto her stomach so I could finish her back, and A couple of days later a taxi dropped Sarah off at the house. Id arranged a

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ticket for her, though it had been a hard sell. She said she wouldnt accept she had studies to do. I told her there was no such thing as charity among friends; moreover, she could bring her books and study all she wanted. the deciding factor.

any more charity, as I was already paying her tuition at med school. Besides,

When I threw in a ride on the Harley, she finally agreed, insisting that it was I went out to help her with her bags but saw only a small carry-on. Wheres your stuff? I have a present for her. You know better than that. Jeez, you look like shit, Ben. Wheres Mindee? I did manage to wrestle the backpack off her shouldersfull of books, it Do you have enough to read here? I joked. You said I could study. I guess Ill have to make an appointment to see you, I replied, hefting the She took my arm with her free hand and kissed me on the cheek. God, its Wow, two kisses in two years. This is getting to be a habit. Oh, you remember that first one? At the party.

weighed about thirty pounds.

pack over my shoulder. Can you schedule me in sometime? nice to see you, she said.

accused my date of being an oracle of depravityin the nicest of possible terms, of course. Sorry about that, chief.

Yeah, and how could I forget? You came back five minutes later and

coming anyway, the creep. Hi, Mindee.

No, Im serious. Thanks for not making a public show over it. He had it Hi, Sarah, she replied, oven mitt on her hand. Come on in, Im making She sniffed the air and ran back suddenly into the kitchen. Sarah put her bag My god, Ben, shes still a child. Whatre you doing?

some cinnamon apples. You can help if you want. down.

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Shes nearly twenty.

Shes nearly twenty. I wasnt talking about her age. could hear the two of them from the living room. Oh, you didnt have to do that.

She unzipped her bag and pulled out a gift, taking it into the kitchen. I

Why not? Its something I thought youd like. Open it.

Oh, its beautiful! Ben, cmere; look what Sarah brought me.

kitchen.

I stopped at the liquor cabinet, had a belt of scotch, and went into the

naturally Sarah could hear him drive up and went out to see what was up after our apple snacks.

The afternoon passed pleasantly enough. I called Drew and he came over

making all the noise. She went for a ride with him and I helped Min clean How longs she staying, Ben? Im not sure. Why? No reason.

sticking an earphone into each of our ears.

We took a little nap on the plush-rug on the den floor, and woke up to Drew Hear that? he asked. Bolero. Flaming clich, I know, but it brings back

memories. We listened to the whole thing in the car but I ran it back some so you guys could catch the climax. her ear. I gave her mine as well.

Whats Bolero? Min asked, sitting up and fitting the earpiece properly in She nodded her head slightly to the music and when she heard the change of Thats Bolero, I said to her at the conclusion. I motioned toward Drew.

key at the end she smiled and waved her hand in rhythm like a conductor. This guy used to tap out that beat on his desk with a pencil. Remember that, Drew?

didnt know what he was doing and were like, well, we know what hes doing.

In the cafeteria, too, Sarah added. Used to drive everyone nutsthey

Thats just teenybopper stuff, Drew chided. How bout The Pines of

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Rome? Respighi. Heard that? The things got two crescendos.

Yeah, Sarah said, the original multiple-orgasm suite.

itand couldnt stay. Sarah went into the guest room to study and didnt come out til dinner time. What are we having tonight? she asked, rubbing her temples. Burritos and Spanish rice, Mindee said. Sounds like Santa Fe.

The conversation wound down. Drew had a calorific dateas he described

You like Mexican food? I didnt think to ask you what you liked. No such animal, I interjected.

I grew up on the stuff. Sometime Id like to try California cuisine, though. Sure there is. I read it in the Sunday Magazine. You know, all light and

lo-cal and fruity and stuff, and theres always a glass of white wine beside the plate. Well-chilled so theres condensation on the glass. Weve got white wine, Mindee said. Get some white wine, Ben.

that damned astrophysicist I ran into in Goleta recently.

The dinner started well enough but wouldnt you know Id have to bring up So we only have five billion years? Sarah repeated.

well die out as a species or well evolve into something else. Ill take the second option, thank you. You realize thatll make us the Neanderthals. nobody left to read Shakespeare. see Spot run.

Not only that, but apparently we might not even be around that long. Either

Or the monkeys, she said. But its better than dying out. Thered be If we evolve into something else, Shakespeare to them might sound like Or chee chee chee!

We laughed hard at that.

So whats the problem, Ben? Whyd he get under your skin? and for what? From his point of view, its all for nothing. His point of view, or yours?

Isnt it obvious? Ive been swimming against the current for so many years,

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Thats the problem. If I take the long view, hes right on the money. Take the short view, then. A thousand years, say. Now youre making fun of me.

I dont intend to start now. So listen to what Im saying. Take the short view and to hell with astrophysics.

Ben, dear, Ive made fun of a lot of people in my life, but never youand

meeting this clown but I never cared to look too closelyanything I do in the short term that I hope will have lasting value is doomed. And if I do it an illusion, I dont want to waste my life away chasing it. And do what instead? Look at Drew.

The thing is, because I already know the long viewI knew it even before

anyway, it may only be an illusion, just like the old prof says. And if its just

Oh, god. What, do you want to do what Drews doing? Its an option I never let myself consider before. told me. Are you going to let it go out now? I dont know what Im going to do. And with good reason. Youre the carrier of a flame, kid. Thats what you

into you? What do you think, Mindee? When did he start all this nonsense? I dont know. This is the first Ive heard about it. You know what your problem is? I saw Sarah do a mental double-take, then return her gaze to me. No, but Im guessing Im about to find out.

Listen to him. I dont know what Im going to do. What the hells gotten

but abandoned the website. What do you do all day? When I didnt answer she turned to Mindee. What does he do all day? He keeps himself busy. Doing what? I dont know. Stuff. What kind of stuff?

Youre not doing anything. By the sound of your e-mails, youve all

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I dont know. Tell er, Ben. And are you?

Drew asked me if Im ready to get off my ass and have some fun. My lifes become a farceonly theres no humor in it. I find myself Okay, so youre an incorrigible pacifist dragged into war. So what? None

fighting in this senseless arena and I cant see anything to laugh about.

of us asked to be born into this national psyche. You just have to do something with what youve got. What other choice do you have? And you dont have to do it alone, either. Im just a phone call away, dont forget. She refilled my wine glass and I downed it entirely.

about that. But Drews right. First you have to get off your ass. But not to do what hes doing. Back to the real work.

Look at you. Bottomless hungry pit. We are going to have to do something

was still taking the dishes to the kitchen. the furniture.

We retired to the living room for a brandy and I put on some music. Mindee Nice digs you got here, Sarah said, admiring the woodwork, the paintings, It was a distress sale, I got it cheap. Yeah, right. Mindee, come in here with us. We can do that later. Mindee?

I guess she didnt hear me. I went into the kitchen but she wasnt there. I padded down the steps and looked into her room. She was lying on the Mindee? Are you crying?

bed, her face in the pillow.

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Chapter 41 Her brief visit having run its course, Sarah was back at school, well

on her way to becoming Dr Sarah Thomas. Her days of tilting against latterday windmills were over, it seemed. At least for now. The girl just didnt have the time. Ive been wandering around the house like the dead reanimated,

listlessly fixing this, rearranging that. To throw myself into something

worthwhile, I spent the better part of two days shoring up the sandbags

around the patio with rebar and concrete, then stuccoed them over in a shade roughly matching the hillside. If that didnt hold, we could all buy a ticket down the hill to Santa Monica Bay. Around four oclock I finished up, took a shower and sacked out

on the living room sofa. I didnt know where Min was; shed been gone all afternoon. I stared up at the beamed ceiling, trying to unwind by looking for patterns there. My muscles ached from the days labors and I looked forward to a good soak in the hot tub after dinner. She saw me on the sofa and made a beeline. Whered you go? I asked her.

I heard the side door open and Mindee bounded in like an excited puppy.

was some kind of playground equipment. Ow! That hurts!

I was next door at Robertos, she answered, climbing on top of me like I

furiously to unfasten my belt.

Oh, is the little boy hurt? she teased, now straddling me and trying Easy, girl. Slow down!

were being vacuumed by some alien life form. This behavior was a little too frisky, even for her. Stop it, I said and pushed her off me. She fell onto the rug. You dont love me anymore, she pouted. Of course I do. Wait a minutelet me look at you.

She leaned down and started suck-kissing my face, making me feel as if I

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Her eyes were red, pupils dilated, and the slightest run of clear snot was visible in one nostril. No! Oh, god. What were you doing over there? Were you snorting coke? Youre lying to me. She started bawling. That Sarah thinks shes so smart. You think Im stupid, dont you.

I slipped down to the floor next to her and took her face in my hands.

What are you talking about? What does this have to do with Sarah? How could I think that? Youre wonderful in almost every way. You say Im wonderful but what am I to you? She took hold of my collar with her hand and pulled me close. little red whore.

Huh, Ben? Just what am I to you? Your little slut? Thats what I am. Your Stop it! I shouted, doing a little grabbing myself. You mean everything to You pity me.

me, dont you understand?

the world!

Pity you? I envy you! If I could live like you do, Id be the happiest man in But you dont love me.

We can get married in a real church, with a real minister. Well invite everybody. Shell kill me!

I do love you. How can I prove it to you? Look, Ill divorce Meelahnee.

Kill you? You havent seen her for two years, for gods sake. She looked down. You have seen her! Youve seen Lahnee! Why am I on the outside here? Shes in L.A. right now.

When did you see her? When?

Meelahnee was here, I had to see her. I had to know what was going on.

My hand dropped from Mindees shirt, where Id had a good hold. If

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Sunset. A five-minute drive! But first I had to get Mindee squared away.

I pried out of Min that she was staying at a motel just down on

I was pretty sure this was her first time with cokeI would have noticed

beforeand I guessed that she was coming down because of the crying and all. Thirty minutes ago she would have been laughing at me like the Queen Robertos all afternoon so she was well-stoked for sure and later would of Sheba. I just needed to let her crash gently nowshe was at that fucking sleep soundly. Tomorrow I was going to kick his ass. Or better yet, get him to pull the .38 on me, then disarm him and hold it to his head for a while. Then hed think twice about giving any more coke to Mindee.

toward Sunset. The next thing I knew, I was knocking at a door with the number ten on it in gold numerals. The door opened and there stood the than she ever had.

In thirty minutes I was on the Harley speeding down Laurel Canyon

princess of the painting made flesh. She looked betterhealthier, stronger Hello, Ben.

You were expecting me?

I knew youd come, sooner or later. better. We sat on the bed.

She let me in and closed the door. It was a decent room, but she deserved Did you miss me? she asked, almost shyly. You never called.

How can you ask that? Ive thought about you every day. You told me to stay away, remember? We didnt say anything for a time. Then: You look great, I said. Thank you.

She took my hand. It felt like an electric current coursed through my arm.

in my imagination all this time, but now that I see you, youre even more beautiful than I remember. She touched my cheek.

I mean it. I thought I might have been exaggerating how good you looked

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Thank you, darling. Meelahnee! My rock!

She brought her face close to mine and I kissed her. This was my When did you get here? I finally asked. A couple days ago. To see Mindee? Yes. Partly. No.

Is it your first time? I was taken aback.

No? How many times have you come? You wont be mad at me? This is my fifth time. Of course not. How many? Five times? Why didnt you let me know?

I was leaving that up to my sister. She would tell you when she was ready. That little minx! Why didnt she tell me before? Im sure she wanted to keep you all to herself.

Besides, Meelahnee had pulled my shirt out and was stroking my back like she used to. I kissed her again and she began working her magic. In her hands my body began to be released from all the aches of the hard work these last two days. But more than that, in her embrace I suddenly felt I though that sea that we finally burst into was wild, so wild and reckless afterward lay panting like battered sailors. I knew where I was. I knew where I stood. Youre so good, I said to her. I dont mean that. I mean was going homeI was going to enter the hallowed sanctuary again. And it was, with her as my steadfast companion we weathered the storm and

I tried to grasp what this was all about, but couldnt at the moment.

No, youre so good, she replied. She put her fingertips to my lips.

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I know what you mean. elbow and looked at her. Yes, you can.

We held the embrace in silence for a while. Then I pulled up on my I cant believe this. I feel like Ive been adrift. Im just discovering it lately, I dont know I didnt want to say it before, but you dont look too good. Im not. I feel like Im staring into the bottomless pit. Thats all over now, darling. Do you mean it?

why . But I realize that since the moment I left, things havent been right.

Mindee to the street.

I never say anything I dont mean; you know that. Now its time to kick Kick Mindee to thewhat are you talking about?

Just what I said. Youve had your fun; now its time to clean house. Do you love me?

I cant believe youd say that. You dont even know why Im with her. More than you know.

Then kick her fat little ass out. for me to change!

She hadnt changedall this time, sneaking out to L.A., she was waiting You disappoint me, Lahn. You really disappoint me.

and its not getting done. go?

Im sorry you feel that way, but its time to grow up. Weve got work to do, What if I dont want to kick her out? Anyway, wheres she supposed to Back to Taos. My mothers worried about her. Send her back, just like that. Why are you wasting time? Your time is too valuable, and so is mine.

her?

What if I dont want to let her go? What if I want a divorce, so I can marry Are you kidding? Shell never marry you.

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Why not?

Because youre mine!

We already had a ceremony. thats why she told you I was here.

She told me. That was just playtime. She knows her time is up now Why would she think her time is up?

pieces and she knows it. And she cant do anything about it. And you can.

Look at yourself! Have you looked in the mirror lately? Youre falling to

the sooner we can stop all this nonsense.

Of course I can! Im the only one who can, and the sooner you realize that, This conversation really irked me. I wasnt thinking clearly, and I

had no idea what she was going on about. And her honeyed overtures earlier now began to feel sticky, as if part of a trap. I pulled away from her abruptly and started getting dressed. What are you doing?

Im going back to Mindee. She needs me. thinking about what you need.

She doesnt need you. Shes Indianshell survive, believe me. Start I dont know why she sent me into a spin like this, but I wasnt having it.

You think I wont marry her? I want a divorce, and well see soon enough. help you. She wont marry you, Ben. She sees whats happening to you and she cant You talk, Lahnee, but what do you know about me now? Or Mindee? I started to get off the bed and she sat up, grabbing my shirt. She wont last another month, you mark my words. Shes scared to death.

She loves you that much that shes willing to give you up. Dont hurt her any more. Please, Ben. Dont hurt my sister anymore.

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 I told Meelahnee to go back to Santa FeI didnt need the

aggravation. The nerve of that woman! Five times she came out here and never once tried to see me. My wife! And Mindee! I was going to give her a piece of my mind good when

I got home but she was asleep and slept right through the night. I didnt

have the heart to disturb her. And then in the morning she looked so nervous and tentative, I had to let her off. She kept sitting next to me and holding my hand or putting her head on my shoulder whenever I sat down, but said nothing. I didnt know what to make of it. Did she think I was going to run why would I want to go back? I kept telling Mindee we would get married for real but that just seemed to make it worse. off with Lahnee? The idea was laughable. Now that I was finally free of her,

idea about how to get back to normal: Id buy her a gift. Not just any gift, but a majestic benefaction that would squelch Mindees doubts once and advantage.

Her mood improved somewhat as the days wore on, and I had a brilliant

for all. And what I had in mind was something I myself could use to great I rummaged around greater L.A. til I finally found what I was

looking for, though I wasnt sure til I saw it. Even I was impressed. I

arranged to have it delivered in three days, first thing in the morning. After that I walked around the house in cheery spirits, barely able to contain my excitement. Mindee noticed the change and started feeding off my mood like a hungry songbird, chirping all the while. By the night before the

delivery she was practically her old self again. And though I couldnt get her to sleep in my bed that night, she went back to her room with a bouncy step. On the morning of D-day I got up early and put on the coffee. The aroma would always draw her out of her lair, buck naked and ready for anything. it seemed she couldnt get enough.

Shed never drunk coffee before, but I initiated her into its virtues and now True to form she was up in a flash, still radiating warmth from the

comforter as she cuddled me and ran her hands every which way over

my body. Satisfied I was sufficiently primed for the day, she heated some

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Danish and we sat on the shag rug in the den with our backs against the leather sofa, eating and drinking and not having a care. What present? So, are you ready for your present? I asked casually. The one I got for you because youre so cute. Its out front.

Stop that, she said, slapping my leg. Where is it? Whats it doing out there? she asked, starting to get up excitedly.

another show for the neighbors like last time. And its out front because if it was inside, it wouldnt be much of a surprise, now would it. She tried to get up and I held her back playfully. Let me go! she giggled. Meanie!

Wait a minute! First go put some clothes on. Were not going to have

downstairs to throw on whatever was handy. Shorts and tank top, as it turned out; nothing more. She came bounding up the stairs like a setter after a duck and I raced her to the front door. We got there at the same time and I held it closed. How do you know its out there? she asked breathlessly. I heard the delivery man. Are you gonna let me see?

I let her vibrant flesh slip from my hand and she scampered

That depends. Are you going to be a good girl? Im always a good girl. Arent I? No more Roberto?

She grabbed my collar with both hands and pulled my face close to hers.

Hmph! she snorted with mostly feigned indignation. No more Roberto. never open his door to her again. insistence. horses?

Id already had a few private words with the guy and was fairly certain hed She started kissing me, at first just playfully, but I could feel a growing Whoa, baby, I said, pulling back slightly. Do you want to let loose the

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She pulled me back to her.

Let em loose, she whispered.

coyotes under a full moon. Lucky girl, she could come quick when she put her mind to it, and soon we were huffing and puffing to catch our breath, she began to follow the outline of my lips with the tip of her finger, as if applying some magical new cosmetic. Im going to marry you, darling, I said; then youll see. she stroking my hair as she liked to do afterward. Then a lingering kiss, and

And there we were on the vestibule rug, humping like two frenzied

the life out of me. God, it felt good. Sometimes a man needs to be squeezed like that to know hes alive. I rolled onto my side so that I could return the had no desire to get up, ever.

Dont say anything, Ben, she replied seriously, then almost squeezed

embrace, then we relaxed a little and lay there quietly for the longest time. I Minutes rolled byten, fifteen, I dont even know. It was comfort

enough to know what was good, and this was. Finally, though, we began to stir, accompanied, as usual, by her many small and tender kisses. We reluctantly pulled ourselves up from the floor, me perhaps less

enthusiastically than her, for I already knew what lay on the other side of the door: proof enough of my feelings for her and my commitment to the life we could build together here in California. She was dressed before I was hardly had anything to put onand as I walked outside I saw her standing there at the edge of the porch, staring at the mesmerizing amulet in the drive. Sleek, gorgeous, crimson, lustrous, topless

Its a Corvette, I said from behind her. Absolute top of the line.

wanted to go. Maybe I could even let her get behind the wheel sometimes, though wed have to be carefulthe thing had 500 horsepower. touch my cheek to hers.

Mindee didnt have a drivers license, but I always took her wherever she

I came up behind her and put my arms around her waist, leaning down to What do you think? I asked.

Its a car, she replied, dumbfounded.

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someday, remember? Those times on the bike when we got soaked, or we were freezing driving along the coast? transfixed. I expected her to break free and run down the steps, but she stood But you dont drive a car. You never have.

Yes, its a car. Your car. Our car. You always said we should get one

Santa Fe. And I can teach you. Me?

No, but I know how to. I had to learn when I got my license back in

Sure. Then you can take a spin whenever you feel like it. Where would I go? Anywhere you want. The same places you always go. me, driving around in that.

But thats with you. Anyway, I cant imagine what people will think of Why dont you try it and find out? I plan to.

It probably cost a fortune. Did you have to spend so much?

TV show, which Im thinking about taking. I cant just roll up on a thirtyI felt her stiffen when I said this.

Well, heres the thing. Drew offered me a job. Associate producer for his

year-old motorcycle and expect people to take me seriously. This is L.A. Youre going to work with Drew?

Maybe. I thought I should at least give it a try. Why?

She turned around to face me with a look far too serious for her. When did she say that?

Sarah said for me not to let you spend so much time with Drew. The day before she left. She said it was okay for you guys to be friends and Thats my decision, dont you think? She looked hurt.

all but no way was I to let you get involved in what he does.

what Ive been doingits driving me nuts. You said you were happy with me.

Im sorry, Min, I said, stroking her cheek. Its just that I cant keep doing

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I took her in my arms.

senseless and stupid. But Ive got to do some work. What about your Albemarle stuff?

I am. When I feel you against me like this, everything else just seems

about it.

Now it was my turn to stiffen. I cringed inside every time I thought

it. Like the behaviorists say: no reinforcement, no reinforcement, no reinforcement, extinction of response.

Thats not working out. Ive done it for years and nothings come of

I dont know what that means but I think you should keep trying.

to try something else. Can you understand? Yes.

Im done trying, Min. Right now I dont see any future in it. Im going

All right. Now kiss me a good one and show me you mean it.

could muster. It wasnt up to her usual standard but at least she was making the attempt. How was that? she asked, obviously trying to accept the inevitable, and Not half bad, I teased. Now put on some shoes and lets take a ride. Who needs shoes! she laughed and skipped down the steps. We climbed into the dazzling red machine almost with a sense of reverence.

She pulled close to me and kissed me with all the enthusiasm she

with a smile.

The key was in the ignition, as per instructions, and I started the bitch up.

The engine ignited with a firestorm of sound and vibration that jolted me to I could control the beast and not vice versa.

the reality of what I held in my hands: massive, violent power. I only hoped Im scared, Ben, Mindee said and she meant it.

Dont be. Buckle up your seat belt. Here, let me help you.

the ravenous creature toward the road. Surreptitiously taking a deep breath, I eased it onto the pavement and gave it some gas. Surprise, surprise, it was like a roller coaster dropping off the apexMin grabbed my arm and

When she was sufficiently strapped in, I did the same and pointed

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held it through the shift of gears, mewling gleefully all the while. On one

straight stretch of road up the canyon I pinned her to her seat with a burst titillated her with the alternating g-forces of that serpentine byway. We

of acceleration and she loved it. At the crest I turned onto Mulholland and stopped at the same turnout where Drew and I had been a couple of weeks back. Shutting off the engine, I turned to her. She unfastened her seat belt and lurched toward me, all hands and lips.

It makes me horny! she squealed. Why does it make me so horny?! Theres no back seat, I laughed, so dont get any ideas. She, of course, didnt need a back seat. Aw, youre mean.

something she was good atand she held onto my arm tightly with both hands as we stood looking at the vast city below. You like the car? I love it! Its like a jet! I thought you might. But I myself was growing more serious. there, we can have. Its there for the taking. She hesitated a bit before speaking. Are you sure its what you want? What do you think?

I hustled her out of the car before she could cloud my better judgment

Look out there, Min. Ive realized something lately. Anything we want out

Im not sure. Sarah and Lahnee

I dont want to hear about Sarah and Lahnee. I want to hear about you. If youre sure its what you want, its okay with me. But I just wonder. Wonder what? me.

I wonderif its going to be good for you. And if its going to be good for Prophetic words. Exactly one week later Mindee went back to Taos to live

with her mother.

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Chapter 43 An ant runs in circles. Whats the significance of it? Doesnt the ant

know that purposeful activity is the hallmark of a meaningful life? What a meager ken. What dumb hand guides its fate?

senseless creature an ant is, being driven to meander so by forces beyond its I rolled up at Meelahnees one month later in the monster Corvette all

glittery and a-quake. She took the keys and the next day it was on the auction block.

When I first walked into the house, she had been less than jubilant. Whyd you come back? she asked, cool as a math professor. I think you know. Because Mindee left?

Because of me. Take your pick. So what do you want?

Because of Mindee, because of Sarah, because of Drew, because of you.

to heaven, one foot just as surely in hell. though.

Maybe I want a chance to get out of this purgatory Ive been inhalfway Youre luckyyoull get your chance. No more sleeping with my sister, That was a tall order, considering my feelings for Mindee, not to

mention how she could ride me so happily without needing in the least to rein me in. But what was the alternative? She was already back in Taos licking the wounds my life had inflicted on her. And Meelahnee was my my feet.

wifeand, I now had to grudgingly admita good part of the ground under Agreed.

of those rest areas on the Interstatethe longer you loll there, the less you want to get back out and drive. Too much time in her little playroom and you might not even know which direction to drive in.

Shes not the angel of grace you may think she is, Ben. More like one

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up. Still, she deserved some credit.

Though I hated to say it, I thought that probably pretty well summed it She helped me to forget. I needed that.

Good for her. Now Im going to help you remember. compartment but that was empty, too.

I went to the cabinet to get a drink. Nothing was there. I opened the lower Nothing wet here? I asked her. She came and stood before me. Porque no? No whisky, no vodka, no tequila. No hay nada. I poured them out the day you left.

couldnt understand why shed do this. I started for the door but she took me by the arm. Now where? she asked. Give me the keys.

Meelahnee had always liked her drinkat least in the latter daysso I

Out to the store. Im craving something on the rocks about now. What do you mean?

I want the keys to the car. why.

Jeez, youre tough! I said, handing her the keys without quite knowing Im a lot tougher on myself than I ever am on you.

I could actually feel herwhat can I call ither immutable spirit, through somehow I thought things maybe were going to turn out all right. me, either. Not til youve earned it.

Then she suddenly pulled me to her and kissed me almost violently.

the kiss, just like before. Something I never experienced with Mindee. And No more booze, okay? No more booze and no more fooling around with She was a tough taskmaster, that Meelahnee, and yet I could see her

compelling logic. If I wanted to drag myself out of the pit, she was merely front of a bus.

curtailing the distractions. I didnt know whether to thank her or push her in

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Do I at least get to sleep in my own bed? With you? You can count on it. Later that night lying next to her, chatting in the dim glow of the

nightlight, she warmed considerably. I was lying on my back and she was at acting silly, pulling on my ear with her teeth and saying she was going to

my shoulder, her leg slung over mine and hooked around my ankle. She was fatten me up. Apparently I was looking a little gaunt but I wouldnt know. arm, feeling for muscle. Maybe some home cooking wouldnt hurt. She squeezed my upper

Whats happened to it?

I dont know. Chronic under-use syndrome. Well have to take care of that, too. Jeez, what is this? giving me a serious look.

She crawled on top of me, taking my jaw between her thumb and fingers, Just get used to it. Im not doing it for me, my big boy, but for you. And I

think you know it. Let me refresh your memory about something, in case

you forgot. Ive been reading your notesyou know, for that book you said beginning, do you know what you said? Its been what, ten years?

you might write someday? You told me I could, remember? Well, in the very

taught that life is a poem. I want to carve out some shining stanzas, and create the semblance of beauty in my life. Do you remember that? Vaguely. And have you? Have I what? Carved out some shining stanzas. We had a good thing, didnt we? Im talking about lately. Silence.

Let me remind you, then, and this is practically a direct quote: We were

I guess thats your answer, then, she said. So are you ready to give it

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another go?

Us?

You cant create anything beautiful unless you do the work you were meant to do. Are you ready for that? I might need a little time.

Dont worry about us. Thatll take care of itself. Im talking about you.

dislocated.

She raised her hand and slapped my face so hard I thought my jaw would be Thats the first time I ever hit anybody, she said, her voice brimming with

emotion, and I hope to god its the last! So dont tell me you need a little more time. The time is now! Okay?

crowded it out. A sudden, sharp understanding of her ineffable caring. The Her mouth was so damn full of truth. Yes. So, are you ready?

A cold, mad anger rose in me but something stronger was at work and

crazy bitch cared and yet she was no bitch, this woman. She was my Meelahnee.

was. And for sure I couldnt go on as I hadit would kill me. It was already killing me. I was half dead, abruptly forced to hold up a lamp to light what had been dimmed by my failing eyes. Yes, Im ready.

I dont think Id ever loved her as much as I did right then, strange as that

Good. Now lets get some sleep. Weve got a long day tomorrow. taste the salty tears on her lips.

She climbed off me and nestled at my side. I kissed her goodnight and could

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Three years later. Chapter 44

PART VI

the surface of this mad ball were moving at a thousand miles an hour. Only the tyranny of gravity keeps our feet tethered to the ground, or we would be kens. Who would hear our cries? Who might stand in judgment to say our lives had meaning? flung screaming into the silent airless void like so many animate barbies and

The world spins round and we ride blithely along, unaware that on

where the ground rules state that the observed is always influenced by

We know the answer to that now. Weve turned to quantum physics,

the observer. Put crudely, what is is to each individual what that wide-

eyed gawker sees. If so, we truly create our own meaningnot unlike the existentialists who rejected Gods plan as too bleak to be borneif He a true helmsman, we become the gods. And so poorly equipped for the task existed for them at allbut with the frightening understanding that without

forest I stumbled into in Goleta when a cross-eyed professor made me face

I make these remarks simply to describe my way out of the dark

what Id avoided facing since I was ejected from the womb of Albemarle that out here there is no meaning; only utilitarian purposes with immediate, tangible benefits but little lasting value. There were few if any illusions that I could see at Albemarle but out here Im forced to create them, for sanitys sake. But thanks to the findings of physics, Ive come to believe more faith. strongly than ever that I can create not illusion but reality. Call it a leap of A lot has happened these last few years. I hardly know where to

start. I guess my first order of business, coming back from L.A., had been home even before I did because she asked him to move outback to his

to straighten things out with Jack. Lahnee must have known I was coming parents houseabout a month before I arrived. Naturally, he avoided me

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when I turned up, but that wouldnt do because he was hurting and when he hurt, so did I. Lahnee told me he was working as a cook in a fly-speck Tex-

Mex place on the south edge of town and I biked down there to see him. He almost jumped when he saw me walk in the kitchen. I didnt exactly know what to say to him so I just walked over and gave him a hug. He

must have thought it was the mafia kiss of death because his whole body

stiffened but when he realized it wasnt, he started bawling like a lost kid in the supermarket just found. Apparently such unchained emotions werent anything unusual in a Mexican kitchen because nobody paid us any mind.

So there we were next to the tortilla oven, him blubbering in my arms, me finally able to half pull himself together.

happy to get hold of him again and this time not wanting to let go. He was Im sorry, Ben. Im really sorry. You dont hate my guts?

Dont be. You took care of her and that eased my mind. I love your guts, you idiot. Now get back to work before you get fired.

Come on over when you get off. Thats okay, isnt it? I mean, seeing Lahnee and me back together? He wiped his eyes on his sleeves.

Dont go eatin anything, he added; I might bring a little something over with me.

I was used to it before, Ill get used to it again, he said matter-of-factly.

Sometimes Lahnee even gives his hair a stroke or two as she passes by him sitting at the kitchen table for coffeeI know she cares about him as much as I do and I dont mind it a bit. to Santa Fe.

That was three years ago and hes still coming over, just like in the old days.

Drew was another story. He hit the rafters when I told him I was going back

What about the damned show? he steamed.

find somebody to step in, I said, stating the obvious. Anyway, L.A.s full

For the coupla hundred grand you were going to pay me, Im sure you can

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of TV talent, I added, trying not to sound sarcastic or condescending. Yeah, but In any case, he was happy enough to buy my artsy little love-nest in

Laurel Canyon; said it would complete his image and help him move into

the heady starlet world of A-list aspirants. I laughed as if it was a joke but he said he wasnt kidding. He promised to come back to Santa Fe at least once a month, and even lease his own plane to do it. Kept his word, too.

That was my thinking. Get rid of it; that much was certain. It did nothing for me, believe me, except maybe diffuse my sense of direction. I got in touch with my fathers friend Franklin againhe was still living at the

Okay, so Ive got all this money now, what am I going to do with it?

vineyard outside Perugia. It didnt take much to convince him to help me

open a gallery for a permanent collection of my dads work. I flew to Italy with Meelahnee to put a deal together, getting him to organize and run the place while I put up a quarter of a mill to get it off the groundI even got

the local government to chip in, as they were quick to realize theyd reap the benefits of extra tourist dollars as well as a substantial feather in their pride cap. They had, after all, already begun regarding dad as their native son. Franklin seemed imbued with renewed vigor and threw himself

wholeheartedly into the work. And although hed been estranged from his three daughters since his wife had passed awaya prime motivation for to go there to help him run the gallery. They take turns now, a couple months at a time. going to Italy in the first placehe later convinced one, and then a second,

took her to see the Sistine Chapel, she cried like a momma cat at first sight of her kits. When I took her to the Uffizi Gallery, she let loose there, too. get the picture. And standing in front of Michelangelos David at the Accademia, well, you Its all so perfect, she kept saying the whole time we were there. Coming from someone who grew up on kachina dolls, turquoise belt

And that Lahnee! Italy was her first real trip anywhere, and when I

How can anything be so perfect?

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buckles and Navajo blankets, it wasnt hard to understand her shock, her delight. You know, she said once, smiling but gripping my arm with unusual Oh, is dat so?

force, I just might love you half a tad more than anything for bringing me here. Yeah, dats so.

translated into a desire to be closer to her people, and when we got back we packed up and moved back to Taos. She had to quit the scholarship job but in the meantime the Foundation for the Blind had promoted her to manager Jack followed us up two months later.

For some reason, the inspiration she drew from this experience

and said she could move the whole shebang to Taosthe rent was cheaper! That left the matter of what to do with a cool 2.1 million left over

after the Laurel Canyon house was sold and some green investments cashed in, minus the outgoing gallery seed money. After three weeks in Taos, I had my answer. The money would go to Meelahnees Pueblo Indian tribe they realized it was an offer made in good faith and without conditions. I

known as the Taos. They were reluctant to accept, but finally relented when wouldnt know until later the stir this caused within the tribal council nor the reasons for their initial refusal, until Lahnee told me the whole incredible story.

registered Democrat.

Oh, and Ron the state senator is Congressman Ron Baker now. And a

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Chapter 45 No doubt my return to New Mexico was intended to provide a way

for me to get back on track, and resuming tae kwon do was going to be one form here on the outside, but it fell away completely in L.A. Only when I I used to practice for hourssometimes swiveling on one foot with the

of my trusty vehicles. Id started young at Albemarle and kept it up in muted picked it up again in Taos did I realize how much Id missed the discipline. opposite knee raised for a good fifteen minutes, parrying and dodging, then to the head of an imaginary opponent. It took four months of hard work to be able to do that again, along with the rest of the moves. And tough monster months those were.

switching to the opposite foot, finishing off each sequence with a flying kick

people with no goals and no self-controlbut one person stood in my way: Roger Bradley, U.S. Marine Corps, retired. He ran the towns only martial arts studio and you dont set up shop in someone elses backyard without work out an arrangement. their blessing. Not in my world, anyway. So I went over to see Roger and Walking into the dojo, I got a look at him for the first time. Bull-necked,

I thought after that that I might teachI never saw so many young

graying buzz cut, he was about fifty and had a take-no-prisoners air about him.

sessions was finishing.

You Ben Cross? he asked gruffly when I approached him as one of his Right, I called you about setting up some classes of my own.

It wasnt friendly so much as testing. Painfully so. Tae kwon do, eh? You train in Korea? No, Montana.

He shook my hand with a steely grip the likes of which Id never felt before.

was stationed in Korea for ten years. Pound for pound the Korean soldier is the best fighting machine in the world. My master took us to a field outside

Montana? he asked incredulously. What the hell kind of training is that? I

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of Seoul once and killed a bull with his bare hands.

ready to flatten me or anyone else foolish enough to try him. years.

He hadnt taken his eyes off mine during this conversation and seemed My master in Montana was Korean. He was a border guard for twenty-five None of the skepticism left his face but I detected something in his eyes that Whats your level? Which school?

told me he might not write me off after all. Second dan black belt.

hehe died unexpectedly during my sixth year of training. a rampant animal.

Well, thats just it. My teacher went independent when he left Korea and Whod you train with after that? he asked, his skepticism rising again like I trained by myself. Fourteen.

Yourself?! How old were you? Fourteen! I dont know whether to cry or put you in a ham sandwich and Obviously it wasnt going well. To the ex-military, a life without a I guess theres only one way to find out, I offered, as diplomatically as That didnt go over well with him, either.

eat you for lunch.

clear chain of command must look ragged at best. possible.

on? Because if it is, Ive a mind to knock you right back to where you came from, but in what you might call a less than conscious state of mind. I tried to smooth his feathers.

Are you challenging me? Is that what you came here forto try to take me

The only way to really know is to see what I can do. I meant no disrespect. your shoes.

I just meant that I could come out of a reputable dojo and still be useless.

All right, then. Lets see what your Montana training taught you. Take off

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but one look from the master sent them scurrying. Whether it was to save me from embarrassment or himself, I wasnt sure. But his having raised the possibility in my mind that he might be worried gave me just that much more confidence. It was a mental mistake on his part and I could no longer Wanna wear some headgear? he asked. regard him as a master, regardless of what physical skills he might possess. Now that was clever. If I said yes, it would reveal potential

The remaining students lingered to watch as we took to the mats,

fear, even if neatly cloaked in good sense. If I said no, it would suggest overconfidence, even bravado, both fatal to the conduct of a fight. So I as a no but believe me, its not. didnt answerjust kept eye contact with him. It might seem like the same Satisfiedor disappointedthat he wasnt able to intimidate me, he Ill give you two minutes. And dont pull any punches, either. I want to Again I didnt answerId already switched into action mode and

walked over to a wall timer and started to set it.

see what you got. When you hear the bell, back off. Got it?

words meant very little to me at that point. I did, however, internalize that one essential point: when I heard the bell, I was to immediately cease and stand down. This, I was sure, was another of his testshow much self-

discipline did I have? Would I, like so many highly-trained fighters unable to control their emotions, throw a punch after the round was overout of anger, out of fear, out of excitement? He set the timer to two minutes and suddenly came at me. I didnt

know a guy his age could move so fast. I caught a glancing blow to the side more than anything else. I stepped back from a leg kick and countered with a solid foot to his thigh before he was able to stabilize himself. I thought of so much, but decided to save it for later. Dont give up too much too soon

of the head that I normally could have avoided. It hurt, but it stung my pride

giving him a high kick to the head using the swiveling motion Id practiced unless your life is at stakethat was the rule of pacing I learned many years

ago. And though Id only fought twice since leaving Albemarlemy second

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week of school in Santa Fe, then later with the bully in gym classthe

many years of training and daily practice had imprinted a pattern on my moves and avoided his.

brain I was unlikely to forget. I felt it almost instinctively now as I made my I wasnt strong but I could be fast. That was my forte. And though

I was certain I could damage your average wannabe felon on the street if it

came to that, I didnt think I could hurt this thick-necked brute much. Which natural quickness, I was fairly certain I could avoid getting hurt myself. Of course, I didnt think of any of this when we were skirmishing. You

was good, because that meant I didnt have to hold back. And because of my

cant think. You cant even really feel, unless its fear. What you have, then, is more of a senseyou have a sense of your abilities, your opponents abilities, and how things are going in that fast-moving territory between

them. Occasionally you take a hard blow and your sense changes to meet

the new reality. Too many blows and you lose your sense; something else

begins to occupy that spacepain, apprehension, panic, disorganization sense must be fluid enough to continually alter in order to stay congruent with the flow of the match. Thats why the martial arts are really about

and youve lost. So this mind-and-body tandem that provides you with your

training the mind. Fights are won with the headthe body is just along to him, hes liable to sneak off for a snooze somewhere when you need him most. And youll wind up flat on your back beside him.

help make it happen. An errand boy, really. And if you dont keep an eye on

didnt retaliate, which surprised him. Instead, I waited til he threw a punch

I caught a hard slap to my facewas the guy playing with me?but

to my sternumwhich I backpedaled to avoidand caught him a good one in the kidney with my foot. That surprised him, too, by the look on his face, and I was puzzled. Why was he giving away so much information? Either he was trying to con me into a distorted sense of what was happening so he could spring a surprise and flatten me for the finale, or he put far more case there was a chance I could flatten him. Yet I wasnt in a position to

training into his body than his mind la the quintessential Marine, in which

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decide whichnot knowing him at allso I didnt deviate from my original game plan, which was to act without any preconceived notions and simply adjust to whatever came along and deliver any blows I could when the

opportunity arose. This is what my master had taughtdont go looking for advantages or you may end up inventing them, to your peril. Anticipate and be ready for someones move, but dont go guessing what that move might be. Some people are cleverer than you realize. And you might not be so clever yourself. Good words to live by, when you think about it. Thud! Ow, that hurt! Hed connected on a solid punch to my

shoulder as I was leaning in to throw one of my own. I fought hard to

maintain the neutrality of my face but he had to know how that mustve felt. I even detected a faint twinkle in his eye, and again I resisted the urge to retaliate. Stick to the game plan, kid. Dont let im rattle you. I was pretty certain the two minutes would be up soondont ask me but the mind has its own clock and was giving me the message. So I

how because time generally stands still when youre in an altered state, prepared for my spin-kick and waited for an opening. He was trying various combinations of kicks and punches, no doubt trying to confuse me, and I timed my move to come at the end of such a combination as he took that

half-second to reset. And there it wasa bit of overextension of his kicking leg after a left-right punch and as he drew it back I knew I had him. I toed in on my left foot and began my spin with a detonation of energy I had

been saving from the beginning and just as the burst was uncoiling, the bell rangand I wanted to continue the kick! I wanted to plant my foot so hard across his temple that hed know hed been hit! Id show this G.I. braggart that hes not going to

lifted my leg high enough to sail over his unprotected head, so high that it back and panting. He stood over me and looked down, then extended his hand and helped me up.

Discipline, dont fail me now! I cried out with impossible effort and

pulled my pivot foot out from under me and I ended up on the floor. On my

Whyd you miss that last one? he asked, a little breathless himself.

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The bell rang.

Thats what I thought.

I walked with him over to a fridge and he handed me a bottle of water. I thought you were a punk, he said, opening a bottle of his own. I know. So why didnt you let me have it? The bell rang. You were already in motion.

sip of water. I did the same. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he turned again to me.

He seemed to want to dwell on that for a moment, then took a long

you could start picking up some of the slack. students and teach privately.

Why dont you work with me? I cant do it all for much longer, and Thanks for that. But Im not looking for a job. I just want to pick up a few Where you gonna get em? This is a small town, and anybody with any

interest is already with me. And I can see by how you carry yourself that youre not the type to go stealing em from me. on them.

I didnt see any Indians in your class. I was thinking to focus more or less Indians? Tell me youre kidding. I had an Indian in here once, didnt last Thats what I mean. I think maybe its lack of confidence. Thats what Id Good luck. Its been my experience that theyre too damn lazy to We drank our water in silence, and when I finished I shook his hand. It was Say, Roger, I said as I started for the door; any chance you and me could

three weeks. Afraid to punch. Got his heinie kicked good. like to build.

accomplish much. If you can overcome that, more power to ya. sweaty but not so violently crushing now.

spar again sometime? I had a heck of a good time. And I dont mean you were easy, either. Just the opposite. Thats what made it fun.

I know what you meant, punk. And the answers yes. You come by

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anytime.

Maybe I can get you to teach me a move or two.

the head with that foot of yours.

Ill teach you the move I have to cook up to keep from getting hit upside I left with a laugh, noticing as I went out the door that a handful of Rogers

students were in the other room, peeking around the doorway at us. And I didnt even know were coming up to me asking about training.

wouldnt you know itapparently the news spread around town, and people

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Chapter 46 So whats the big deal about the pueblo? I asked Lahnee one morning The pueblo was a walled adobe enclave of occasionally ragtag buildings

over some garden-grown herbal tea. Why wont they let me in?

constructed over seven hundred years agosome say a thousand. The Taos were one of nineteen distinct tribes of so-called Pueblo Indians in New Mexico, each with its own inviolate compound. You can always go in at open times as a tourist.

they could do was to invite me inside for a cup of something. Dont feel badthey dont even let me in.

But Im not a tourist. I gave them two million bucksyoud think the least

problem?

See, thats what I dont understand. Youre Taos, theyre Taoswhats the She put down her cup, leaned over and put her hand on mine.

angry.

You have to promise me that whatever I say, youre not going to get Theres very little you could say to make me angry; you know that. I dont mean angry at meI mean at them. This remark caught me off guard, because Id never had reason to doubt her Why would I get mad? Promise me. Okay, I promise.

peoples integrity or their conduct.

She took me by the hand and led me to the plush old sofa in the living room. Youre about to get a history lesson. I figured that. I guess Id better settle in, then. spoke.

We sat on the cushions facing each other so I could read her emotions as she Youre not going to bawl, are you? I asked; I dont want you to upset

yourself on my account.

Im all cried out, darling.

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my cheek all the while. When she pulled back, her eyes were indeed teary. Thank you, Ben. For what? For caring.

So saying, she leaned forward and kissed me deeply, her hand caressing

She wiped her eyes on her shirt and started her tale.

farmers. Most of our crop was corn, and we were expert at coaxing the

Okay, where should I start? We were a peaceful people, the Taos. We were

dry rocky earth to be fertile. We had more than enough, and we were able and Chiricahua. Even the faraway Navajo. Its said that we truly walked as the Great Spirit wanted us to walk on this earth, while the Europeans plagues and warsthe elders tell this story with much pride. I know whats coming, I said.

to tradenot only with the other Pueblo, but with the Apache, Comanche

still endured like dogs, suffering from their jealousies and their greed, their

down like an adobe made without straw and my peoples lives changed

Do you? Then you know how centuries of peace could come crashing

forever. Yes, the Europeans finally camethe proud Spanishand soon we lost our land to them. To eat we had to work as laborers in the fields of their mission, and the padres sold the surplus to the soldiers and the adventurers

looking for gold. When the Apache came to trade skins and arrows for food, we had none to give, and they began to starve. To survive, they stole horses from the Spanish and began to raid us and the other tribes for food. They became our mortal enemies.

with emotion, though she was trying to control it. The Apache were peaceful before that?

She stopped to let this sink in and I could see that she was welling

of their independence and the ferocity of the hunting life in a bleak land, but there was cooperation. There was respect.

They had always been our neighbors. Maybe not so close in heart, because

gold they could find and the Church followed. Do you know what the

Ive heard this story before. The Europeans scoured the world for whatever

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Hawaiians say? Before the white man came, we had the land and they had the Bible. After the white man came, they had the land and we had the Bible.

forefinger, almost as if examining it. color of the autumn sunset. me.

She touched my ear, lightly rubbing the lobe between her thumb and

Youre not white, are you, Ben. Your skin is white but your heart is every I only wish I could live up to that, Lahn. You always set the bar high for Dont kid yourself, Ben. Your standards would be high with me or without

me. I knew that when I first met you. It was you who encouraged me to set the bar high. Now whos kidding?

lower the standard you set for yourself.

Im serious. I only push you because I can see when youre starting to I had to laugh, though a subdued one.

it would look in your eyes.

Thats news to me. Whatever Ive done, Ive always given thought to how My eyes? Oh, my dear boy, before I met you I didnt have standards. I was This was a sudden thunderclap out of a cloudless sky! All these years of

one step away from becoming a little Taos tramp!

regarding her as a moral taskmaster, when in effect she was acting more as

a guardian of my own morals? Id have to give that one a lot more thought, much to hear it.

for sure, but now was not the timeshe had a story to tell and I wanted very I find that hard to believe, I said. But were getting off the track here. She took a breath and collected her thoughts.

Lets go back to the Apache.

enough for ourselves, naturally we fought back. Needless to say, you dont and stealing of women. And thats where my story really starts.

Okay, so the Apache started raiding us for food, and since we had hardly

fight against the Apache. That makes them mad. So they did a lot of killing

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She stretched her legs for a moment and made herself more comfortable. womannamed Corn Tassel because of her lovely hairwas one of those plenty because she was an outsider in their villageher position wasnt much better than a slave. The son didnt do well, either, because of the stigma borne by his mother. Finally, when he was almost a man and his About a hundred and thirty years ago, during one of those raids, a Taos

taken. An Apache brave took her as a wife, and they had a son. She suffered

pride couldnt stand it any longer, one dark night the two of them escaped

back to the Taos. Expecting to be warmly welcomed by her own people, she had to live in an abandoned hut on the outside. Others lived outside the

was shocked to find out that they werent allowed into the pueblo but instead walls, too, but they could go in freely for tribal gatherings and ceremonies. do so.

Corn Tassel and her son had the taint of Apache blood and were forbidden to You have to understand something here, Ben. Because the Taos were

worried that the attacks could finally cause them to die outthis went on for hundreds of years, dont forgetthey started to jealously guard their purity of blood. It was simple self-preservation. The son was able to marry into

the Taos, but only because his mother convinced the elders that through her blood he was Taos, at least partly so. He brought with him Apache hunting skills as well, and the elders gave in.

have a saying, theres a wife for everyoneand they were excluded from any ceremonies taking place inside the pueblo. They were respected as Indians but not fully accepted as Taos. They had a son, who also married into the tribe, and that couple suffered exclusion as well. They had two daughters; one died of scarlet fever. The other daughter married a man

Anyway, his new wife was from the bottom rung of pueblo societywe

who was ugly but smart. Three sons were born, though only two survived. The younger one married and had a daughter. Her name was Bonnie. My mother. She stopped cold and studied my face for a reaction. Like a

fluorescent bulb, I wasnt illuminated right away.

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be a point of pride or shame, or both. much to be welcome in the pueblo.

So you have Apache blood? I finally asked, not knowing if this would Probably just a few drops by now. Not enough to be a great hunter, too There was something of resignation in her voice, though nothing of tragedy. Marrying me didnt help much, either, I suppose. Were not supposed to marry outside the tribe, but when youre already on

the outs, it doesnt matter much, does it. Anyway, I wouldve married you regardless. Care to know a secret? Sure.

were when he was painting my picture.

I set my sights on you as soon as Bob started talking about how great you One of my biggest supporters and he ends up getting himself deported. Youre not listening to me, Ben. Im trying to tell you something. Sorry.

tribe. I married you because I set my mind to, and after meeting you and got on his knees and begged me. Got that? Got it.

Im saying that I didnt marry you because I couldnt easily marry into the

being with you, I wouldnt have married the chiefs son himselfeven if he

you listening? You have an Indian soul.

Good. Anyway, let me say this once now and I want you to listen good. Are Though I wasnt exactly sure what she meant by that, I was flattered. Why,

I dont know. My mother was white, my father was white. I could trace my ancestry back hundreds of yearsat Albemarle we were encouraged to do thatand it was a solid white line.

Sometime, I said, I want you to explain to me what you mean by that. I dont think I need to say anything more. Why not? Do I? Because I believe you already know. Think about it.

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mine, this totemic guardian of my spirit, this mother earth into whom I was so deeply rooted. There she goes, kissing me again. It was one of

That I would. Shed given me plenty to think about, this wife of

those invitational kisses that I knew so well. It didnt promise delight but instead union, which always turned out to be far better. It meant that we were to be fused together like those Siamese twins joined at the waist and are so horrified when family and friends urge them to get a medical

consultation. And yes, there was delight, ecstatic delight aplenty, but that our joining of souls as we entered the primal wilderness together. serious look on her face.

was a byproduct. An unintended but intensely pleasurable consequence of As we pulled back from the kiss to just inches of each other, she had a Do you think youll love me forever? she asked. How could I do otherwise? Do you mean it? You know I do. Lets celebrate big.

Good. Now, my Geronimo, lets go into the bedroom and celebrate. Celebrate what?

Dont you know? Im going to have our baby.

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Chapter 47 What do I know about having a baby? I asked.

Thomas, better known as our Sarah. Besides, everyones an amateur once. Lets just say you pick it up quick. I dont even know how to hold one.

Its kind of a learn-as-you-go proposition, replied the esteemed Dr

after all.

Listen to you. You should be holding Meelahnee. Its mostly her show, She said she doesnt need any help. She told me she was going to go out She doesnt mean that.

and have it in a field somewhere.

You dont know Meelahnee.

she seems to have completely shed her dark scales and come into the light. I hoped it would last. She sipped her iced tea contentedly as we sat in the shade of a welcoming elm in the backyard.

We had a good laugh over that. Sarah was looking radiant as ever

off coming so I might just swing by for a couple of days when the babys due and I can keep an eye on the both of you. How does that sound? the heavens parted.

Anyway, she said, tapping my leg with her bare foot, Ive got some time

Like Drew when he first heard Concierto de Aranjuez. According to him, Good. Call me the week before and tell me how its going. Ill take a day

or two on either side. And if she goes into labor early, Albuquerques only a two-and-a-half hour drive. I can be here in a flash. mimicking her old habit from high school. I put my finger in my tea and flicked some on her bare legs,

You call that a flash? Drew says he made it once in an hour-forty. It was good having Sarah around. I hadnt seen much of her in the

Drew was driving a Lambo, honey; Im driving a Toyota Corolla. past couple years. She only came to L.A. once, and had been so busy

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metamorphosing from former meth addict to Dr Sarah Thomas that even today. She was driving back to Albuquerque tonight. So hows your love life? I asked. Wouldnt you like to know. Sarah.

back in New Mexico I only caught her on the fly for brief moments. Like

It wouldnt hurt to have a little someone warm around now and then, How do you know I dont? Not that its any business of yours.

In your own subtle way, of course. See, I think youre a closet romantic, if you want to know the truth. Based on what evidence?

Because if you did, you wouldnt have wasted any time announcing it.

Based on a feeling I have.

nephrologist at the hospital whos interested in me, but neither one of us has the time right now. Oh, a nephrologist, is it? Isnt that a guy who examines bumps on your Thats a phrenologist, dummy. Wait a minutedont put me on, Ben. Im I looked at her laughing eyes and suddenly remembered her pasty,

Now theres science in action! And for your information, theres a

head to determine character traits? a guest; its not polite.

defiant face in the Albuquerque rehab center. Shed come light years since

then. I had an urge right then to grab her by the arm and haul her back down to Santa Fe so I could parade her into Detective Cernas office and put on a show. Look, Ossifer, whats become of your delinquent now!

of comestibles. Sarah and I were at the kitchen table. Wheres Lahnee? he asked.

Jack took the afternoon off and came by about five, carrying his usual bags

mooning and get yourself a girlfriend?

Ja-ack, Sarah chided; youre like an open book. Why dont you stop your Whos mooning? I just asked a simple question.

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out of your mouth is wheres Lahnee? No big deal, I said.

How do you think Ben feels, you walking in the door and the first thing

See? He says its no big deal. Youre the one making a big deal out of it. pocket, he pulled out a joint and tossed it to Sarah. Nothing but the best for our Sarah. He put the bags on the counter and sat at the table. Reaching into his shirt Oh, you got it, she said with little-girl joy. He pulled out a lighter and before long the two of them were thoroughly

zonked. They passed the magic my way more than once but as usual I declined. Anyway, I finally said, shes working. Whos working? Sarah asked. Lahnee.

peals of laughter so sudden and so violent that I thought theyd fall out of their chairs, the both of them. Whats so funny? I asked.

It was as if I had detonated a bomb of laughing gas at the table

Sarah struggled to contain herself briefly enough to answer. That was only like the non-sequitur of the century Jack asked where Lahnee was.

Yeah, about an hour ago! Whereve you been all this time? Sitting at the table, just like you. was over a long time ago. Jack chimed in. It mustve been a different table, because the conversation about Lahnee

Yeah, where IS Lahnee? face.

Now it was Sarah and me laughing at Jacks earnest and uncomprehending Shes working, Jack, I replied. That place with the blind people, Thats right, he said, the blind people.

remember? She teaches them how to see?

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Sarah couldnt stop laughing and neither could I.

about it. Meelahnees out there right now, teaching people how to see. No, Im right here. Whatd I say? Another. Youre gone, Jack.

Thats like a miracle, he went on. She teaches em how to see. Think

Another burst of laughter from Sarah and me.

manned by who else. Sarah got up and embraced her. Thanks.

Lahnee strolled in thirty minutes later and dinner was already on the stove, Congratulations, dear. Youre going to make a lovely mother. Jack looked over at her dreamily, as if he were the proud father-to-be. And Ben was right, Sarah added; you really are beautiful. I could see the blush on Lahns tanned face but I doubted the others could. Youre only saying that because youre high, she said shyly. I may be that but you know what they say: en Mara Juana la verdad. Some I got up and tried to get Meelahnee to sit.

people call it the truth drug.

to deal with? I can see that for me, fatherhoods going to be harder than motherhood. Yeah, tell me about it. I got an earful today. Lahnee sat down. Hi, Jack. Hi, Lahn.

Dont start; she said playfully, then to Sarah again, you see what I have

Jack was working at one little Mexican diner after another and not at one of the resort hotels was a mystery. I wanted to do something about that, if he wouldnt be offended. For years I think that Jack had felt he was being left to what we said about his work.

Dinner was finally ready and it was an incomparable spread. Why

behind by the rest of us, and that in itself made us tread lightly when it came

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Jack, pass the cider, please, Sarah said. You got it. She poured out a glass.

This is good, Lahnee. Ben says you guys make it. stuff.

Yeah, ever since we got the apple press, we cant drink the store-bought Sarah took another drink as if it were the elixir of life.

Angeles about the physics professor you met up the coast? Yeah. So? Well, this changes everything, doesnt it. What do you mean? end someday. Remember?

So, Ben, she said to me, remember that conversation we had in Los

You know, you were all twisted six ways because the worlds going to Apparently you dont want me to forget.

now for the future was an illusion.

You saidwhat was it?if all that were true, then maybe anything we did He said that, not me. Anyway, that was years ago. But it kinda got to you, didnt it. Maybe it did, a little. A little? Meelahnee was following this conversation with great interest.

Okay, maybe more than a little.

And do you remember my advice to you?

You said take the short view and to hell with astrophysics. Meaning what?

Thats exactly what I said. God, what a memory. And now you will. She turned to Lahnee.

Are you getting this, Meelahnee? Or am I making no sense at all?

now with the baby coming, theres your short view. The child and its future. You dont need to look beyond that.

Youre making perfect sense, she replied, then turned to me. She means

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Thats exactly what I meant. That night in bed I held Meelahnee close. We know theres one thing thats no illusion. figured out.

You know, its true what Sarah said tonight, she murmured in my ear. Dont worry, Lahn. Whatever you may think, Ive pretty much got it I know you do, my big boy. I can feel it. And whatever you may think, I Ill be here. Ill be here whenever you need me.

do need you. I need you to help me see this through.

invitations.

And her kiss of love and gratitude led once again to that sweetest of

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Chapter 48 Sometime later I got a call from a guy named Billy Bear. He said he was

an elder on the Taos tribal council, and would I meet him that afternoon at their offices in town. Whats it about?

You come here, well see about it.

to teach before then. I tried to concentrate as best I could, but curiosity was gnawing away at me and I was barely able to hold my workouts together. One of my students asked me if I had a cold.

I told him I could make it around three, as I still had a few students

I was knocking on their door. It was opened by a young buck with pomaded hair, and I was escorted inside. In a room down the hall, I faced a longish One stood up. oval table seating about twelve, but there were only four elders sitting there. Im Billy Bear.

Afterward I showered and put on a fresh shirt and jeans, and at 3:05

deeply tanned face and long shiny black hair with one braided strand at the bat an eye so I guessed I hadnt broken protocol, and he asked me to sit in cowboy clothes. One still had his hat on.

He was about fortyby far the youngest of the groupwith a

temple. I thought it strange to call him Mr Bear, so I said hi Billy. He didnt down. He didnt introduce the other elders, who looked like so many chiefs I thought the council was bigger, I said, thinking to break the ice, or at The council is fifty men, its true, and we represent them here. What were I see.

least show I was halfway knowledgeable about such things.

going to propose to you today has already been discussed by all.

concern that they were going to complain about me being with Lahnee, now that she was pregnant, or that theyd decided to give me the money back because they felt it was somehow tainted, like Apache blood.

I didnt know what else to say. To tell you the truth, I had some

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teaching them to be strong and confident, teaching them to channel their anger in ways that will bring credit and not shame to the tribe. them along.

We know youre working with some of our young people, he began;

I think some have been waiting for the chance. Im just trying to help He didnt say anything for a while. Partly he looked at me, partly

he seemed to be staring into space. I folded my hands on the table in front Finally, another of the elders spoke; the man with the hat. My grandson went back to school.

of me and waited him out. I was in no hurry and, obviously, neither was he.

press it, but held my peace. The less said, the better. Another of the elders Billy Bear scratched his cheek and looked at me pointedly.

Then silence again. Was his grandson one of my students? I didnt

passed gas and this was the only sound interposing upon the stillness. Then Your writing has great merit. Though some of us think parts of it childish,

we see the deeper meaning and it is good. In many ways you think much like an Indian. My work had sometimes been criticized as being radical, even

Jacobinlike Jefferson!but never childish, and I wanted to ask him what After an interval the old man with the hat spoke again, slowly.

he meantbut didnt. Here battles would be won with restraint, not chatter. Meelahnee your wife and great-great-great-great granddaughter of Corn Here my surprise got the better of me.

Tassel is with child.

Of course they knew her history. After all, there were only two thousand Taos, and if Lahnee was one of the outsiders, the reason must be well known. Billy Bear spoke again.

You know her history! I said rather foolishly, and they just looked at me.

Thank you for your generous gift to the Taos. At first we looked upon it as

charity and thats why we refused it in the beginning. I hope you understand. Much of the money will go to the education of our young people, which you

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are already helping with, whether you realize it or not. I think you do. With the rest we want to establish a foundation that will further Indian values the white people. values much like the ones you yourself hold. Not among Indians, but among I was gratified. I couldnt have thought of a better use for money

that had only proved to be a distraction for me. Yet it had taken them almost three years to decide! Our purpose today, he continued, is two-fold. First, we would like you Luckily I was firmly balanced with my arms upon the table. He let his words Second, whether you accept that offer or not, we want to invite you and

to head that foundation.

sink in a moment, and then went on.

Meelahnee granddaughter of Corn Tassel to participate in a formal Taos anytime.

wedding ceremony in our chapel inside the pueblo, and be welcome there The full meaning of this took a minute to register. I just sat there

staring, like an orangutan just offered a copy of Dantes Paradiso. But as I finally began to realize what it meant, I have to admit I couldnt keep a handle on my emotions. Tears ran down my cheeks in an irrepressible flow. A fine spectacle for the chiefs! I bit my lip and reached deep for some selfdiscipline. I had hardly cried three drops since my loved ones were ripped away from me, but these were tears of a different sort. Now I could pay Meelahnee back in some measure for all the immeasurable things she had I capped my feelings for the moment and roughly dried my eyes on the backs of my wrists. Forgive me, I said.

done for me. In my mind there was no one more deserving. With great effort

tell by his eyes that he was touched. Ive been told Indians dont crythe

If you will forgive us, Billy Bear replied, and as I looked at him I could

pain is so great that they fear theyll never stopbut whatever the truth, to a bad one, I hoped.

see a man drawn to tears in front of them must have made an impression. Not

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I could hardly take it in. Finally I considered myself capable of reasonable speech again and addressed the four elders.

I took my time and composed myself as best I could. What a turn of events!

more than to continue sharing in this new way the ideas you and I believe in. I must, with respect to my wife and her sensitivity about the tribe, consult with Meelahnee about it before giving you an answer. Though they need not say so, just knowing how they did things

Im honored at your offer to head the foundation, and would like nothing

with slow pace and with much deliberationled me to believe that they didnt expect an immediate answer. It may even have been considered impetuosity to give one now.

honor I have ever been offeredI can only say that truthfully and

As far as the second is concerned, let me say its probably the greatest

nothing moreand again its of such importance to my wife that I must

respectfully ask your permission to consult with her first. Then I added as an afterthought, as I felt they should know, whatever her decision, I can this day forward be a changed woman. tell you beyond any doubt that my Meelahneeyour Meelahneewill from Never before had I used such formal language, yet to me the

occasion called for nothing less. And again silence reigned until Billy Bear finally stood up, the other three joining him. I followed. With that, he came to me and offered his hand. regret it has taken so long to come to this decision. I can see now that Meelahnee has chosen wisely. You and your wife are to consider yourselves welcome to the pueblo. I only I understood their reluctance, now that Lahnee had told me the story. And in

my present euphoria I became like Aesops dog that upon crossing a bridge sees another dog with a bone in the water below and yearns for it. Mindee, whos also been in the wilderness for such a long time?

Would it be wrong of me, I asked, to put in a word for Meelahnees sister He regarded me with a fatherly benevolence, as if I were a boy just given a

new bicycle and was now unable to resist asking him to accessorize it.

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ceremony. Beyond that we must have patience. Theirs is quite a different the both of them. We could discuss it again, possibly in a years time. He drove a hard bargain! I had to remember, though, that he

Mindee, and her mother Bonnie, will be welcome to attend the wedding

situation. Let us see what effectif anythisnew circumstance has on

wasnt speaking for himself or even the elders, but the Taos peopleand yesterdays and tomorrows as well. I felt greedy, but consoled myself with the fact that I was doing it for Min, who might gain a greater sense of dignity that she was no doubt yearning for. As for Lahnees mother, well, gift of a ragged slab of meat. And she had once called the tribal council she had never paid much attention to us or Mindee, except for the occasional redskins on parade, so I wasnt in a hurry to press her case at this point. Maybe after her grandchild was born, shed have a different outlook on her. things. I hoped so, because even after all these years, I really didnt know I made my exit as silently and respectfully as I could, but in my

heart I wanted to climb to the top of the Sangre de Cristos and roar! The

bicycle ride home was a blur of stirring shapes and colors. At one point on a shortcut along a gravel path, I almost got knocked off my mount by an overhanging branch. And what did I do? I laughed!

up a feast. One way or another, I was sure it was going to be a memorable night.

When I got home I was going to throw some candles on the table and cook

for her on the porch, a soulful Itzhak Perlman playing softly behind me. Okay, what is it? she asked with a laugh, seeing right away what was going on.

Lahnee tooled up in the back of a pickup around six. I was waiting

burning in the kitchen. That rated another warm clasp and then more questions.

Inside the door I got my kiss and she turned her attention to the candles

occasion is?

Is that ham? It smells like baked ham. Are you going to tell me what the

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I played it with exaggerated nonchalance.

Oh, nothing. Cant a guy do a little something for his girl now and then? She laughed, pushing me then pulling me back. Dont give me that. Youre not exactly what youd call the romantic type,

so youre up to something and I want to know what it is. One more kissI me all about it.

dont know why, you dont deserve itand well sit down and you can tell It was a good kiss, full of passion and longing, yet I couldnt help but snort a All right, thats it, she said, marching me over to the sofa. She pushed me Even play could be cruel, so I decided it best not to prolong her misery. She hugged me with joy. After all, her work paid little, and I was

laugh right in the middle of it.

down and plopped next to me. Are you going to tell me? Ive been offered a joba good job.

teaching just ten hours a weekI had to turn away a whole slew of students because their attitude wasnt right. Only a supplemental check from one of my articles occasionally being published kept us reasonably solvent.

Another income would come in handy right now. But I dont think that was what she was excited about. Just as Billy Bear had offered the job without mentioning moneybecause it wasnt a priority with them?Meelahnee, work I could breathe some life into.

too, thought little about money and was no doubt more concerned that I find What is it? she implored, tugging at my arm. Tell me!

now so you know its not a done deal. She pulled away a moment. Its not in L.A., is it? No!

I want to consult with you first before I make up my mind. Im consulting

She was back at my arm.

Okay. Whatever it isif you want it, you take it. Its with the tribal council. The council! I knew theyd see you as you are.

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American valuesthey think I share a lot of the same onesand they want me to be the head of it. She squealed with excitement and was kissing me all over my face. I told you, I told you, she said in a singsong voice. Youre not upset because its with the tribe?

Theyre starting a foundation to try to spread the word about Native

their ways. Theyre still alive and strong today, arent they? And proud! I got serious a moment.

Why should I be upset? I told you before, they have a good reason for

greater good? tone.

And what if they amended their ways now and then? You know, for the What do you mean? she asked, responding in kind to my sudden shift in Things change, right? I said, taking both her hands in mine. I mean, the She looked at me seriously and squeezed my hands. What are you saying? Im saying that you and me, Meelahnee, my beautiful wife, my heart, my

future isnt fixed, its openwouldnt you agree?

soul, we have been invited to be married in a Taos ceremony inside the pueblo, and are free to go there anytime. me, darlingit would break my heart. pueblo. Both of us.

No no no no, she cried out, banging my hands to my leg, dont joke with Im not joking. I just met with the elders. Weve been welcomed into the She shrieked with both pleasure and pain, and tears burst their sluice gates

and flowed down the dam in a torrent. She was grabbing my shirt and it was hard to control her.

Its over! Its finally over! Im free! Oh my god, my big boy! Im free! I got a little teary myself watching her, but I was already drained

from this afternoon. She had enough tears for both of us, and she collapsed into me, sobbing. Deep painful sobs that seemed to be purging her body of the suffering of the ages. I cradled her in my arms and she cried and cried

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until there wasnt a tear left in her body, and she cried some more. I held her and stroked her and eventually she settled into deep, slow breathing punctuated by further little shudders of escaping grief. Finally it was just the breathing and a gradual coming back into awareness of her surroundings. I need a kleenex, she said, lifting her head and squinting at me.

noisily. Then she suddenly stiffened. say about my mother and Mindee?

I reached across to the end table and snatched a few. She blew her nose What about my mother and Mindee? she asked urgently. What did they They can come to the wedding.

Thank god. I wouldnt do it without them there.

promised we could talk about it later, but it might be a year or so. I couldnt do any of it without you. She smiled. No, I couldnt do it without you. I rubbed the back of her neck.

I asked if theyd be welcome in the pueblo after that and Billy Bear My brave boy. You dont know what youve done for this family.

juicy, honey-cured ham, just the way you like it.

I dont suppose you want some baked ham. I laid it on thick. Sweet, Im starved! But first hold me, Ben. Just hold me for a while. I did, and came then the second wave of tears.

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Chapter 49 Why does one dog bite our hand when we try to pet it, while another

licks it sweetly? Its all in the dogs perception. Our intention is the same only the reaction differs. I think thats what I was getting at before when I was talking about the observer always influencing the observedone actually helps create what one sees. Thus you cant say, This is life and

I understand it reasonably well. You cant say it because in reality, This

is life as I see it and I may understand that reasonably well. Perception is realize.

realitythe clich that people dont really believe though its truer than we It struck me that Meelahnees work with blind people newly given

sight proves the point nicely. They dont suddenly see everything. They images. Lahnee is the interpreter, or rather language teacher, as she must

receive images through their optic nerves and the brain has to interpret those teach them to read and understand the language of images, just as the dog hand. We dont just see something. We have to interpret what we see.

trainer teaches a mistreated dog how to read anew the extension of a petting Im running through all this in my mind because Im trying to understand She seemed to view it as the most natural thing in the worldthough

how Lahnee could accept the tribes change of heart with such magnanimity. certainly not inevitable. I think Im getting a better understanding of how influence on the outcome, and she chooses to see things without rancor. years of living in flagrante with her sister. And not a word or a look of

she does this. Being the co-creator of her own reality, she has a tremendous Now I can better understand how she could take me back after two

resentment. Why cant I face life with the same equanimity? She claims

I have such lofty standards but the one standard I cant seem to rise to

unlike heris forgiveness of the past. I feel as though Ive been cheated

and I cant rid myself of that feeling. My foots caught in it like a bear trap. Seeing Meelahnee in the days and weeks after the tribes decision to take her back brought this painfully home to me. She can forgive and forget. I

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cant yet. If Albemarle were to be suddenly re-created and my mother was standing at the gate to welcome me back, I wonder if I could let go then? But as thats not to be, Ill never know.

coming on the heels of the announcement of Lahns pregnancy. All of a

Mindee got all worked up by the news of the ceremony, especially

sudden she wants to get married, too, and paraded her on-again off-again

boyfriend Eddie over to the house with her new engagement ring. The poor guy was obviously in over his headhe could hardly string two sentences house like one of Lorenzs imprinted ducklings. Lahnee and I had already given him a going-over, as he was a white kid and a ski bum and you together without stumbling over his words. And he followed her around the

couldnt be too careful where Mindee was concernedbut hed worked at friends, so our minds were eased somewhat.

the same resort for four years, didnt do drugs, and he even had a few Indian We planned an engagement party for them. It would be a small

gathering: me and Lahn, Jack, Sarah couldnt come, Drew, Lahnees mother Bonnie, Bonnies new boyfrienda heavy-drinking old Indian named friends but she invited a girl she worked with to fill in the gap. Busterand a couple of Eddies friends. Mindee didnt really have any The night of the party, spirits were flowing and spirits were high.

Bonnie had brought half a side of venison in a burlap bag, and Jack was carving it up for the grill. Mindee and Eddie came late and when they walked in, hand-in-hand, she looked so captivating in a revealing lace

blouse and tight shorts that Im sorry to say that I could hardly take my eyes off her. She noticed and responded with that smile of old and I was glad Lahnee was out back and unable to see me. Mindeed been over plenty of down for the occasionbaggy shirts, loose pants or shorts, a definite

times but wed always kept our distance. And I think shed always dressed braeither to cool me down or in deference to Lahnee, or maybe both. But tonight she had an allure that caught me suddenly like the bite of a mamba on the dark floor of a hut and I quickly excused myself to go out back to

check on the charcoal. Its fascinating how the call of the wild can compete

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on equal footing with the strongest logic, the deepest morality. It neednt be orgasmic, either; the real pull is in the altered state the mere presence of a for a change. Why do men wander? Everyone thinks its a dick thing. Its not. Most men wander to forget. person can produce, where time stands still and all is right with the world,

were already drinking like ebb-tide fish. I squatted down and leaned against the door jamb. Hows it going, Bonnie? Cant complain. Wait til you see Mindee. She looks great. with Lahnee, hear?

I ran into Bonnie and her new man sitting outside by the back door. They

Shes always been a pretty girl. Lahnees the smart one, though. You stick You know I will. I promise.

I dont know nothin. You just promise me an well leave it at that. Good. Youre not a bad kid, Ben. I seen plenty worse. But the tribes takin I wont. And Im sorry I let you down, Bonnie. I was out of my head there It happens to the best of us. Every man gets his mistake. If he learns his Two strikes and youre outthat was fair enough, though maybe

you in now, an dont you let em down. for a while.

lesson, its forgotten. If he falls off again, he ain no good to nobody.

too strict for some. Were human, after all, and one blunder is probably the doubt in my mind that I did, Id have to rise to Bonnies challenge. I dont think I could live without Lahnee. No, thats not exactly true. I could. It would be more accurate to say that I didnt want to live, without Lahnee. parameters of marital bliss were already clear in my mind. Id have to be

least that can be expected. But if I wanted to keep Lahnee, and there was no

So I didnt need to take her mothers admonition too seriously, because the vigilant, of course, because hard experience has taught me that knowledge

of limits and complying with them are two different animals. But I loved my

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wife. And I didnt think I could bear it if I hurt her again. thought from my mind; you have any kids? He dont talk much.

How about you, Buster, I asked her companion, trying to shake that Bonnie held her glass in front of Buster, as if to protect him. Drew flew in from L.A. with the silkiest of tanned California girls

on his arm. He was in the money nowthe new computer games were big and he was milking the role for all it was worth. He even managed half a page in Time Magazine.

sellers and the TV show was a hit with the 12-to-25-year-old demographic

from his clinging date. Seems like I get anything I want now. Its incredible.

Im telling you, Ben, he told me privately when he was able to disengage

wanted. There I go again, looking out for his darned soul. Not wanting to

He wasnt able to answer, though, when I asked him what it was he

embarrass him further, I refilled his glass and, holding up my cider, toasted ever seen him, he asked me never to turn my back on him again. I swore I matter what, he could always come home. felt about the whole thing.

to his grand and glorious future. Later, when he was drunker than I think Id never wouldand meant itand, putting my arm around him, said that no We talked briefly about Mindee and the boyfriend, and he asked me how I I have to accept the inevitable. Do you love her? I love Meelahnee.

Thats not what I asked.

from the hospital. Drew asked if it had anything to do with her feelings about Mindee. Why? Whatd she say about Mindee? Nothing, really. Okay, she must have said something.

He wondered aloud why Sarah hadnt come and I said she couldnt get leave

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Nothing that bears repeating. Dont ask me to say anything more.

Her name was Chalice, which wasnt overly precious for Los Angeles, and she had a rare beauty that may have been more than skin deep, though I Indians and didnt ask them any stupid questions. only caught the briefest glimpse. To do her justice, she was attentive to the Jack was my rock throughout. His timing at the grill, his

His date turned out to be considerably less vapid than his previous finds.

solicitousness to the guests with regards to what and how much they had on their plates, and his good humor from beginning to end was a sight to behold. I regretted that no one paid much attention to him except me venison, in fact it was Jack who was responsible for the savoriness of

and Drew, and of course Lahnee. While everyone thanked Bonnie for the Indian corn, the fresh-picked bean salad, yams, sweet red capsicum, endive, wild mushrooms, hand-made flour tortillas, and succulent pheasantnot to mention a host of sauces and herb dressings cooked up by the master brought.

himselfwhich provided the bulk of the meal. Most of which he himself I had a quiet word with Eddie. After all, he was to make an enduring

coalition with probably the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me, and hed better fill those shoes with the utmost probity. I pried him This is a big step, Eddie. Are you up to it? I think I am, yes. Yes, sir. Do you love Mindee? And youll take good care of her? The kid was a pushover! Would she eat him up, spit him out and Ill do my best, sir. away from Mindees side and sat with him on a couple of folding chairs.

come slinking back to me, his juices still dripping down her jowl? Jesus, what a depressing image. Okay, heres how it is. Do you know who I am? Youre her brother-in-law.

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What else do you know about me?

Youre the kung fu guy. Held Big-mouth Bradley to a draw at the dojo. that she is. You do that, youre family. Ill back you up, no matter what, and youll never walk alone. Thats what families are for. Do we understand each other, Eddie? Its all up to you now.

Good boy. Because I know youre going to treat Mindee like the princess

he did right by Mindee, he was a member of the inner circle, as far as I was concerned. If he didnt

Eddie was less than sober but I was pretty sure he got the message. If

to rival an ancient god his thunderbolt? Who dared count the men looking for their own Mindees? And though she never seems to satisfy the soul, that wont stop them from going back for more. The power of her raw

Ah, that Mindee! Did she know the feminine power she held in her hand

female vitality enveloped in such childish abandon!was nothing short of breathtaking. Did Eddie know what he was getting himself into? Even I hadnt known. Somewhere around eleven oclock I went in to use the bathroom,

and as I was coming out, in a flurry of dj vu there was the real Mindee,

pushing me back in and locking the door behind us. I didnt know what her intentions were, but I was of a different mind now than I was back then so She came close to me and put her hands on my chest. Is it okay? Is what okay? I was pretty sure I wouldnt get entangled in anything I couldnt get out of.

You know. Me and Eddie.

You dont need to ask me.

Sure I do. Were married, remember? Little Chapel on the Green? I put my hands on her shoulders. Well, the answers yes. She looked at me earnestly.

me. You can understand that, cant you?

Hes not like you, Benjamin. But he loves me, and wants to take care of

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Of course I can. Im just sorry I couldnt give you that. You gave me more than that. good. Finally she pulled away. So saying, she embraced me with surprising tenderness. It felt so incredibly Is it okay to still love you? she asked. Why not? I still love you. She embraced me once more, then unlocked the door and went out. I hoped

this wasnt tragedy unfolding. I went out myself. Meelahnee was standing there in the hallway, looking at me intently. Shell love you forever, you know. Thats how we are.

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Chapter 50 Working with the Taos was like skating on iceeasy to glide right

along but always with the possibility of falling, and hard. The danger was impossible but were banking on anyway. I think all of us were wary of a fall. Yet they helped me along with every onward push of my foot. eighty thousand a year.

that I was determined to deliver on a plan that they must have known was

The first problem I had was the salary negotiation. The offer was for Just a minute, Billy. Thats way too high. I was thinking more along the Im sorry, Ben, but the figure is non-negotiable. The elders spent a long

lines of about half that.

time discussing it, and it was decided that a higher number best represented the ideal we want to project. And you must also realize that big money means big face.

Because if it is, Im not expecting any kind of payback. Besides, youve repaid me tenfold as it is and I think you know that. He smiled briefly.

Are you sure youre not doing it because of the money I gave the tribe?

connected. But our concern now is the foundation, and much of its power we live in a world of conflicting images, and we must compete there. We dont want to be some borer hole in the pine bark that no one notices. the foundation modestly til we see how it goes?

Reciprocity is our custom and it colors everything we do. Yes, all things are

will come from the image it projects. You know very well that today, sadly,

I understand that, but wouldnt it be better to invest that money and start He laughed, then quickly regained composure.

account, it was transferred into an investment fund. Overseen by a Taos!

Its already been invested. Long ago! The day it was transferred to our

And contrary to what I told you before about our idea of using some of that money for the foundation, its doing so well that we decided to keep it in place.

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So wheres the money for the foundation going to come from? The casino. That was an answer I didnt want to hear.

website that Im not too fond of gambling. It belittles the work ethic. It know that at Albemarle we didnt even use money?

That presents a problem, Billy. Im sure you know if youve read my

creates too much excitement around the thought of getting money. Do you Many of the elders share your views. But you must have heard the story

from Meelahnee of how the Apache went against their waysby raiding their former friendssimply to survive? And so we, too, find ourselves

going against ours by tapping into this present societys vices to ensure the casino is the subjection of our people to the curse of government welfare

continuation of the Taos. There is poverty enough, and the alternative to the checks. Alcoholism, which is always the coyote behind the tree, could very Pride of independence. A world without gambling would be a bright star indeed, but one which hasnt risen in the sky yet. happen to the casino?

well devour us. Gambling provides us income, jobs, our own social services.

Tell me then, Billy; if the tribe could survive on its own, what would He didnt miss a beat.

If I had my way, wed shut it down. When do we start?

Well, for now, it might be something I could live with. Yesterday, he said with a real live grin.

the details. We discussed the casino, as that was the only black mark on the whole deal. Billy Bear said its a matter of tribal survival. Billy? I said, maybe a bit too incredulously. school?

That night Lahnee and I had a quiet dinner together and I filled her in on

Billys no dummy, either, Ben. He went to Harvard, you know. Listen to you! You think were not smart enough to get into a good

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boots threw me off.

Down girl, down, I laughed. I guess the neckerchief and the cowboy She enjoyed rubbing it in.

decent pair of shoes, too. Those ones with the holes, whaddya call em? Wing tips.

Oh, so now hes got to dress like the supper club? Well have to buy him a

tips. And what kind of clothes do they wear back East? Youd like that, wouldnt you?

Wing tips, thats a funny name. Well have to buy ol Billy a pair of wing Im going to take you over my knee in a minute. As a matter of fact, I would. But back to the casino, with Madames

permission. My salary and all the rest will be coming from there, and Im not too happy about it.

freely. Some have even been known to have fun doing it, Ben. Im not against fun. So whats the problem?

Its not blood money, you know. People choose to gamble. They do it

troubles me. Easy money. And anyway, not everybody chooses to gamble. Some people are addicteddo you think I want to be a part of that? She gave an exaggerated sigh.

Jeez, do I have to spell it out for you? Its the glorification of money that

they eighty-six im. Check out the websitethey have a whole section on want that kind of money, either.

Theyre way ahead of you, Ben. As soon as they spot a problem gambler,

that. Theyll make sure you dont take a penny from an addict. They dont Her logic was compelling but I think she was a little nave in

believing you could pick every problem gambler out of a crowd. Some

are like quiet alcoholicsyou never realized how much they drank until

you actually started counting their drinks. But if the tribe really needed the casino, and they were trying to moderate the ill-effects, Id try to live with I didnt believe in killing things, either, but every time I walked down the it. It went against my values but I think it was a matter of degree. After all,

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street or up the trail, I stepped on living things, killing who knows what or how many. Do I stop walking? And in a seemingly more ludicrous case, I killed millions of bacteria every time I brushed my teeth. But why is it so

ludicrous? Is a bacterium any less a living being than a deer or a dog? And to live and get along. Shall I not swat a mosquito on my arm? Were all be a moralist meant that you couldnt really live.

last week I ate deer! So it seems we make compromises all the time, just killers in Gods plan. Theres no perfect morality in this world, it seems. To Later, Lahnee sat close to me and asked if I was okay with

everything. I was and I wasnt, and although I wouldnt conceal that from make her proud.

her, I said instead that the foundation was going to do good work and would Around ten-thirty I called Sarah, hoping shed be off her shift by then. Is this the glorious Dr Thomas? I asked. Ladies choice. You busy? Funny. Was that glorious or inglorious? Or vainglorious?

Hows life treating you down there in Albuquerque? in the idyllic village?

Ill tell you when Ive had a chance to experience it. Hows it going up Thats what I called you about. Ive got a proposition for you. I havent had one of those for a while. Okay, let me ask you this, dear doctor. How many hours a week do you Youre mean.

work?

No, Im just asking.

or so, give or take a coffee break now and then.

Well, not that Ive got time to count em, but Id say Im on about seventy So when your residency is finished, why dont you come and work with

me? Forty-hour week, home at 5:15 every day, and you get to call your own shots. Doing what?

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foundation; I get to carry on just about the same work Ive been doing, only If you come, Ill put in a clinicyoud be treating the Indians, which they of your own, writing articles, big-picture stuff like that. Hit me with a brick, why dont you.

Doctoring, what else? The tribes made me head of an educational

with a bigger platform. Theyre even going to put up a new building for me. desperately need, and you could spend part of the time cooking up a website

And anyway, let me ask you this. You know how you always said the world was finally going to listen to you when you became a doctor? Are they listening now? Yeah, right. With bated breath.

You shouldnt be so surprisedyou know I like having you around.

about half what youre making now but youll only be working half the

All right, then. Why dont you take a chance? I can probably give you

hours. You can actually have a life. And time to make some noise again. gears turning. Finally:

There was silence at the other end of the phone, yet I could almost hear the Do I have to tell you tonight? Im on ER duty this month and Im rushing Dont worryI just sealed the deal and they havent started building yet. Whatre you gonna do in the meantime?

around like a poked zombie.

Could be three or four months til its off the ground.

education, so to speak. The rest of the time Ill be at their offices in town, putting the concept together. Ive still got three or four staff to hire, and requirements for the building that Ill have to see to. Sounds like youve bit off quite a hunk. Im hungry. theyll have to be brought up to speed as well. Then Ive got some special

I plan to spend a couple of hours a day with the tribegetting an

time. Its a big responsibility, taking care of a people. So it is.

Good to see thats still there. Anyway, Ill let you know. Give me some

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And hows Meelahnee? Any kicks from the baby yet?

of months, shell be filling out nicely. I expect the babyll be dancing by then. my day off.

Not yet. Most people dont even know shes pregnant. Give her a couple Give her my love. You too, Ben. Love ya lots. Ill call you next week on See ya.

was still on.

Lahnee was already in bed when I got off the phone, but the bedside lamp Sarah says hi with love, I said, peeling out of my clothes and getting Did you tell her about the foundation? I offered her a job. Really?

under the covers. She nuzzled up to me.

missing is Drew.

Wouldnt it be great, Sarah back in the same town? Then the only one Yeah, good luck getting him back here.

to wake up one morning not hearing music in his head and its going to scare him. If it hasnt happened already. Anyway, Ive got a plan.

You never know. I still dont believe the fire he hads gone out. Hes going

again. Thats why I married you. Youre a man with a plan. She gave me a big fat kiss and I went on.

Youve got a plan! she said, turning off the light and cuddling back up

if I can accidently get Drew holding a drum in his hands and accidently find himself in the middle of the drumming. Well see if that makes any sparks.

So anyway, you know the summer PowWow? Im going to ask Billy Bear

Clever boy. You said he used to drum in high school with his pencil.

got to wake him up. turned to her.

He was the little drummer boy. That boys sleeping now, but somehow Ive She kissed me again and yawned, then rested her chin on my shoulder. I You know, Ive got a really good idea for the clinic. Arent you sleepy yet?

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Chapter 51 Time went by like crows on a glide and the foundation building

was nearly finished. All pine, like the forest next door. Billy Bear was there every day, checking the plans, inspecting the workmanship, leading the mostly Indian work crew like a professor of building science rather than a construction foreman. I asked him once why he didnt just hire an outside reasons. contractor to take care of the details and he told me there were a couple of First, he said, we want our workers to become fine craftsmen, which

means we take our time; we care a little more. Second, a contractor always ends up treating people like theyre not flesh and blood but little tin cogs. But thats nothing new. No. To us it is. Its like the famous Hopi story. Know it?

years ago the Hopi in Arizona were going to receive one of the first

Well, I guess its not that famous, though to us it is well known. Many

construction contracts from the federal government. The plan was to build a school on the reservation, using a white contractor and Hopi laborers. Well, the foundation; on Thursday well erect the frame; the roofll go up on the 15th, then well finish the walls on the 16th and 17th and so on. the first day, the boss told the workers, Heres the schedule: today, well lay

one even laughed out loud. Whats so funny? the contractor asked. The

Well, the Indians listened to him with bemused looks on their faces, and

senior Hopi replied. Weve heard many strange stories about the white man, but this is truly unbelievable. You claim you can see the future, too? Who said anything about seeing the future? Im just telling you the schedule.

Again the bemused looks. With all due respect to the white mans ways, let

me tell you what the schedule is. First we will lay the foundation. When that is finished, we will erect the frame. When that is finished, we will put up the roof. When the roof is up, we will board the walls. That is the schedule we will follow; none other.

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So what happened? I asked.

government finally abandoned the project. greengrocery nearby. Thats it.

The contractor walked outignorant, lazy Indians, you knowand the Worlds in collision, I thought, happening in a neighborhood, reservation or Thats the Hopi story? We went over to the coffee urn and poured a couple of cups. Do you think its any different today? He really didnt have to answerhis face answered for him.

Ive got an idea for our first campaign.

So, Billy, I said as we sat down at a picnic table in the sawdust kitchen, I waited for him to ask me what it was but he was silent so I continued.

the time that things are falling apart in this country, but nobody knows why. But to me one of the main causes is obviousnobody feels like they have to play by the rules anymore. Its the its a free country mantra taken to its they have to break the rules to prove to themselves that they are.

Its along the lines of play by the rules. The thing is, I hear people say all

irrational extreme. It says to me that people maybe dont really feel free, so I took a sip of coffee, a rare drink for me nowadays, and continued.

riding my bike, a car came up behind me. A truck was coming the other way, and rather than slowing up a few seconds for it to pass, the guy in the car ran me off the road. I ended up in a heap in the ditch. And as I hit the dirt unpleasant expletive after car. Asshole? Billy asked. Howd you know? as an Indian, Ben.

Let me tell you what happened on the way over here yesterday. As I was

I heard the passenger shout out the window, Get a car! Only he added an

Happens all the time. Youve never really been an asshole til youve lived There was some sadness in his voice, the first actual emotion Ive heard him

express since Ive known him. No anger. Just sadness.

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Im sorry to hear that.

Thats why were banking on this foundation. Maybe bring a little more respect into the world. Im right with you on that. Youve played by your ruleslook how youve

Im sorry to say it. And thats one of the things we want to change.

followed your customsand youre still playing by them, while everyone

else is breaking theirs left and right, from the brokers on Wall Street to the

idiots at the gym. Thats why I always go banging on about Jeffersons idea of freedom, Billythe whole purpose is for people to fulfill themselves as human beings, not satisfy every little desire. People dont get that, though, and I think thats a big reason so much is falling apart. his usual implacable gaze.

I could see a brightness of feeling in Billys eyes, where before was

said. The boy who breaks every rule. Makes trouble. Disrespects his elders. Why does everybody like him?

It starts with the kids watching crap on TV, like the little yellow kid, he

the celebrities want to be on the darned showthey think its cool. I thought I saw Billy shake his head but it was subtle.

Bart? Because nowadays breaking the rules is cool, Billy. Thats why all

sports stars, executives, even our presidents making a mockery of the

It goes all the way from that show, he said, right to the top of the pile

rulesand to listen to them, they feel no shame in their behavior. When theyre not denying it, of course. The children have such models. Thats what they learn. We were silent a moment.

was working with him right into Saturday because he kept saying he didnt want to see because he didnt like what he saw. So she took a little time in the afternoon to go to a movie and unwind a bit.

Meelahnee was stressed out last week over a difficult client, I said. She

to go get a drink. When she came back, a family had taken those seats. She

Anyway, the movie theater was crowded and she left her scarf on her seat

told them that the scarf had been there to hold her place and the guy picked

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it up from the arm of the seat and tossed it to her. Were sitting here now,

he said, right in front of his kids and all. So she had to go sit in the front row this kind of petty stuff happens all the time. Anythings okay, disrespectful or not, because its a free country. Thats a symptom, really. Thats why I that right now, theyre not.

because those were the only empty seats. It may not seem like a big deal, but

think the play by the rules angle would be a good start. To let people know Billy Bear had reverted back to his usual seemingly emotionless

gaze. This was the inscrutability of the Orient right before my eyes. And

hadnt Billys ancestors come from Asia twenty-five thousand years ago, And another thing. Sorry, Billy. Im talking too much. There was the slightest momentary twinkle in his eye. No, go on.

living apart all that time and even today in their pueblos, their reservations?

the street against the red. Did you read about that? Why did he do it? I lived in Santa Fe and I know why. Because the grown-ups do it. They cant wait for twenty secondstoo much time to waste, standing there feeling the breeze, the sun on their shoulders, a chance to catch their breath, to reflect a momentand theres your role models. Why should I have to wait for the stupid Walk signal? Now a familys deprived of a beautiful son and the driver of the car will have a memory thatll probably follow her for the rest what its like to break the rules and feel free. looked at me directly. of her life. Why? For a lousy twenty seconds. For some little boy to test out

That kid in Santa Fe, the nine-year-old who got killed last week crossing

Billy Bear sighed softly, I think more for the story than my excesses, and You speak wisely, Ben. My own wife has been made sick from the noise

of a band practicing their music in the house next door, in spite of our pleas. You seem to be saying that as long as one can satisfy his own needs, he as freedom. doesnt feel he has to consider the needs of anyone else, and interprets this

We do see the world unraveling all around us, as you say, Ben, and yet the

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Taos are not. Only when we succumb to this cultures vices do we lose our center and begin to come apart. I cant speak for the elders about your plan because we have yet to discuss it, but as I think I made clear to you have done and much hope for what you will do. Id have to be satisfied with that and run with it.

you, you are the director of this foundation and we have much faith in what That wasnt exactly an endorsement but then, it wasnt a rejection, either. One other thing, Billy. Id like to time the opening of the foundation to

follow the summer PowWow. We should start with a bang, and Im thinking about creating some kind of activity we could do down in Santa Fethe and the work can begin. whole tribe. That way, people would know were here, what we stand for, Billy rubbed his chin.

It will have to be discussed in detail by the elders.

What you ask is a complicated proposition. It would involve many people. I understand. And if they agree, maybe I could use the three days of the

PowWow to meet members of other tribes, explain what were doing, and maybe even get them to join in.

we will erect the frame. When that is finished, we will put up the roof. When the roof is up, we will do the walls. That is the schedule we will follow. I could feel my face redden. I have a lot to learn, dont I. well.

Ben, listen to me. First we will lay the foundation. When that is finished,

You have learned much already. And you have taught us a thing or two as So saying, he picked up his cup, took it to the sink and rinsed it, and walked

out the door.

There was admiration in her eyes and I chided her for it, saying that so far it was just talkI hadnt actually done anything yet. She begged to differ, saying I was building a house of handsome proportions.

That night I had a good talk with Lahnee about the events of the day.

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them to give it up. Its like a splinter under my skin that keeps festering. She took my hand and held it hard.

I still worry about the casino, I lamented. I wonder if I can ever get

the shred of independence they have, and if they ever feel you would jeopardize that, itll be the end of your work with them. I wouldnt do that, I insisted.

I want you to stop talking about the casino. The tribe depends on it for

going to think the foundation is just the Trojan horse youre wheeling in to bring down the tribe from within. Youre not Taos, remember, and youre where you are by their good graces. I trust you because I know you and believe in you. Dont give them any cause to doubt.

Then forget about the casino. You keep talking about it and somebodys

believe in you; they trust you because they look at your work and want to Ive never said it before, Ben, but I happen to know that some of the elders

were against this project and against letting us come into the puebloonly a lot of hard bargaining by Billy Bear and others made it happen. Theyre looking at the past, hes looking at the future. Dont pull the rug out from under him. I looked at my wife, soon to be the mother of our child, and I

couldnt help but hold her tenderly in my arms as if she were a shivering race.

lamb who may just hold within her heart our future, and the future of our All right, Ill forget about the damn casino.

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Chapter 52 Sarah called. Hello? Is this the beneficent purveyor of all that shines in the world? she asked. That would be me. With one or two small reservations. Hows it going up there in T-town?

person in the world, you know. But I do seem to be picking up a lot. When I dont stumble over my own tongue hanging out. Enthusiasm never killed anybody, Ben.

Like molasses running down the side of a jar. Im not the most patient

it right, do it so all can benefitwhich is actually how I learned it way back when, though Im amazed at how much Ive forgotten over the years. payspoor Ben; you must be in a constant state of hell. Sarah, which is why I deign to hang out with you. it your own way kid. You know that. Think so?

Lets hope not. Im trying to do it the Taos wayyou know, do it slow, do

Yeah, I gotcha. Out here its do it quick, do it your own way, do it so it Some days that would be yes. Fortunately, you never succumbed to that, Listen to him! And dont be too sure about that, either. Im the original do But you were never selfish. Always an eye to improving the species. Do you deny it?

Ive had my moments. place written all over them. She laughed.

Come on. Your darkest deeds had lets bring some enlightenment to this

Now you see why I hang out with you? maam.

The truth, is all. Benjamin Franklin Cross, steward of truth, at your service, We were silent for a time. Finally, she spoke.

Im not going to join you in Taos, dear. At the foundation.

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My heart dropped. Why not? Do you want the long story or the short?

The short. That way Ill have less to agonize over later.

were in L.A., and now that youre back in the saddle, its pretty clear that youve reclaimed yourself. You look great. Youre doing great. And now allI just dont want to mess anything up. How could you mess it up?

Well, heres the deal. I got pretty bent out of shape seeing the way you

with the foundation work, Lahnee becoming full Taos, the baby coming and

Are you kidding? Look at my track record. Its good enough for me, kid. I know it is, and I appreciate that. But theres things that you dont know, Like what, for example?

things that Im just beginning to realize myself.

make it over is just be a projection of a wish for self-destruction? That would sure explain why I always had such a dark take on things. Master of the black arts, we used to call you.

I dont know. What if my presumptuous desire to destroy the world and

But now Im thinking the darkness was maybe a reflection of my sadness at the idea that I had to destroy myselfand be born anew.

I remember. And I wore it like a badge, too. My emblem of independence.

her spirit so I just tried to fly with her when she was up and hold her hand when she was down. Anything else would have seemed patronizing. You see what Im getting at? she asked.

I didnt really know what to say. Id never tried to analyze Sarah. I admired

now that Ive ever seen you. I cant see that theres a problem.

I dont have a clue. But I do know youre strong. And youre the strongest You let me be the judge of that, thank you. And what you see as strength

may only be pigheadednessyou know, to join the doctors in their white

coatsand now that Im in, who knows whatll happen now that the gate-

crashing is over? If I go tilt, its not going to be in the middle of that world

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youre building up there. That would probably kill us both. And even if I its not going to work. The job sounds like a miracle-in-waiting but your future is more important to me. happens.

dont, just the uncertainty would be a bad influence on the place. No, Ben,

Dont think of me, think of yourself, would you? I can handle whatever I dont want you to have to handle anything, dont you see? I do have She wasnt being stubbornshe just knew when she was right. Do I at least get to see you on weekends and holidays? Try keeping me away.

pride, and thats just not going to happen. Comprende?

clinic, at least not now. No dedicated doctor, no role model for young Indian women, no stimulating companion at work, no productive creator of ideas newly arrived or a fifty-year-old pill-popper drummed out of his big-city officer of the deck. big and small. And I wasnt about to go fishing for some green-card doctor practice by long-suffering colleagues. None of that for the Taos while I was Id hardly put the phone in my pocket when it chimed again. Pulling it out Hello, Ben. Long time no see. Ron?

And so it went. I resigned myself to the fact that there would be no

and answering, I heard a voice from the past.

state of New Mexico.

Ron Baker, former local politician, now Democratic congressman from the None other. Just thought Id check in, see how youre doing.

hear it even in just the few words hed spoken. A couple of years now, I guess. Hows that Meelahnee?

He sounded different. More mature, more authoritative than beforeI could Im good. Hey, how long has it been, Ron? More than that. It must be at least five. Shes terrific, as always. Shes expecting, you know.

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No kidding? Boy or girl? We dont know. No ultrasound?

Dont believe in it. Rage against the machine and all that. new foundation youre putting together with the Taos. Howd you know about that?

Thats my Ben. Good for you. Anyway, I hear youve been busy. That

reasons I called. Id like to talk to you about it, if youve got some time. The foundation? Sure.

New Mexicos a small town, kid, you know that. Anyway, thats one of the

car to get you. Whens a good time?

Good. Im in Santa Fe for the week. Ill send one of my staffers up with a How about tomorrow? Too soon?

show you my new campaign office while were at it. See, things are starting to happen. Then I told her about Sarah.

Tomorrows fine. Eleven oclock okay? We can have lunch together and Ill I told Lahnee when she got home and she said it was a good sign.

Well, you cant blame her for trying to protect you. I just dont think shed come apart like that. I dont think so, either. Shes too strong. Thats what I told her.

so she has added incentive, she said with feigned smugness, as if she had solved the whole problem.

Besides, when the baby comes, why dont we make her the godmother

attempt to give her a good pinch. you do.

You think youre so smart, dont you, I said as she recoiled from my I should be, she laughed; Ive got two more years of high school than I limbered up my pinchin fingers. Now youre gonna get it!

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Chapter 53 The next day at eleven a black Lexus pulled into the driveway. In

a moment came a knock at the door, and when I opened it there was a guy about my age in a well-tailored suit and a shirt whiter than white. Ben Cross? Thats me.

Charles Evans, congressional aide.

put on some shoes and we were off.

Even dressed down for the West, he was spiffed up for the party. I

about the life in Washingtonthe one I almost had. The way he told it, it all sounded so glamorous and intriguing. But the major caveat, he added with a furtive glance in the rearview mirror, was that one tended to feel more or things inhabited a rather narrow landscape. And apparently people were

We talked all the way on the drive down. I wanted to know everything

less obligated to say the right things in order to grease ones path, and those listening. Oh, and it seems a well-starched blanket had been thrown over daily life because of security concerns. To tell you the truth, hearing that made me feel so, well, free. I told him it must be hard to live like that and he said you got used to it. Then he added with a sly smile that there were perks. What kind of perks? What do you want? he answered with a wink-wink look.

timeand it didnt do me all that much good, which is why I was back quite see the distinction.

Id had a decent dose of what I wantedor what seemed appealing at the

pursuing what I needed instead. I tried to explain that to him but he couldnt Sure, theres a difference, he said, but when you think about it, if you I dont think so, Charles. Needs are longings of the heart, but wants are for He nodded like he understood, and we drove on. God, he had the

really want something, thats pretty much a need, isnt it?

the most part whats encouraged by the culture. Even manufactured by it. most manicured fingernails I had ever seen.

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Santa Fe, the artsy, squeaky-clean capital of our great state. Ron was lately splashing around in a considerably bigger pond back East, though with a touch more power to help him swim. A charismatic or lucky congressman Chief, President Ron. All rise. (All fall down and kowtow.)

In an hour and a half we were driving through the familiar streets of

was a finger snap away from the Senate or even the Presidency. Hail to the Ron had a table reserved for us at the top restaurant in town. Lahnee and

I had eaten there once when I had come into money and wed both agreed

that Jacks cooking was better. Got a laugh out of it, too, though Jack didnt think it was so funny when we told him later, he making a royal nine bucks an hour at the time.

more heavily lined than I remembered.

When we arrived Ron stood up and extended his hand. His face was

Sit down, sit down. How was the drive over?

Before I had a chance to answer, Charles piped in. to stop once to let some burros cross the road. time Ive seen it.

This place is great. You can see forever, the drive was fantastic, and we had Tell him that doesnt happen very often, I said. In fact, thats the first Chuck is a Brown graduate. Yale Law. So naturally hes impressionable

when it comes to things like cactus and burros and hundred-mile sunsets. life. So dont confuse us with Old Mexico.

And yes, Charles, hes right; I think Ive seen about two burros in my whole We ordered drinksjuice for meand Ron started right in with his spiel, So heres where Im coming from, Ben. Youve landed yourself quite a

even before we had a chance to look at the menu.

little prize up there in Taos. Whatre you going to pull in? Forty grand? Fifty? Eighty.

Eighty grand, thats good. How much was I giving you? Back in the day? Twenty-five. Twenty-five, that sounds about right. Youve come up in the world. And I

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heard about your inheritance and yourwhat would you call ityour bestowal, to the tribe up there. I admire you, kid. But then, I always here where you graduated from, Ben. School of life. did. Gave you a job, just a walk-on with no credentials, didnt I? Tell Chuck

much, though it does open doors for you. The rest youve got to learn by putting your snout to the pavement and start sniffing. He was in rare form today. I knew that hed been drinking alreadyIve see

School of life. See, Chuck? A place like Yale can only teach you so

him before when hes primed at lunch and knew the lookand would have kidded him about, had Charles Evans congressional aide not been sitting here so reverently.

liberty of telling Chuck about your background. You almost had his job,

School of life, he went on. Thats Bens alma mater. Ben, I took the

remember? But I accept that youve got to call things as you see them. Now. How would you like another couple hundred grand for that foundation of yours? Because Im sitting on a committee thats recommending what we your way.

call minority education expenditure, and Im sure we can move some funds Whats the catch? I asked. Chuck yukked. The kids smart. I thought hed be.

I didnt especially like being called the kid by someone my own age.

Does there have to be a catch? Ron replied with feigned wounded pride. greater scheme of things, youre not going to scratch my back unless yours This is politics, isnt it? There may be mutual respect, Ron, but in the

gets a tickle, too. I understand that. So where is it you want me to scratch? long way around, to give him time to digest what I was saying. Here, in the

I wasnt usually so blunt. With Billy Bear up in Taos I tried to take the

presence of politiciansand I had no doubt Ron had fully evolved into that, just for sheer survivalI was better off rolling up my sleeves and punching fast.

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you along when no one else paid much attention. And tell me this: where did you work when you left my office? The carwash.

Look, Ben. Weve known each other a long time. I like to think I helped

New Mexico firmament was working at a carwash. Right here in Santa Fe. But those days are gone, Ben. Youre in the ascendant now. And I can lend a hand. I can help you build that foundation into a voice with maybe an audience of millions. And all I have to do is

The carwash. Did you hear that, Chuck? One of the brighter stars in the

Ron turned to me seriously.

Our drinks came and we ordered our meals. As the waitress disappeared, Look, Ben. Have I ever deceived you? Used you for my own benefit? All

Im asking for is a little quid pro quo and I guarantee it wont offend your sensibilities or compromise your values. mean by that.

Id like to help out, Ron, if its within my power. I think you know what I I do. And thats why Im asking. Okay, Ill give it to you straight. The

Partys asked me to run for the Senate. Itll be a tough race, but with the Indian vote we think we can just about sneak in. Ill help you with the

foundation, lube the wheels of any project you want to get off the ground,

and youthis sounds cold but here it isyou play up my role in bettering put us over the top. And Ben; as a U.S. senator, I can move mountains for you, make things happen. You know that. And I believe in what youre doing, so I wouldnt be selling my soul to do it.

the lot of Native Americans in the statewhich I willand that just might

played out here, then back to Ron, who I could see was tired and hopeful and full of doubt about the outcome of the meeting. This is not a Faustian bargain for you, either, Ben.

I looked at Charles, who seemed to be fascinated by the minor drama being

Okay, Ron, heres how it is. Ill scratch your back the best I know how but

I eyed him carefully, but I think I had already made up my mind.

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I wont guarantee you the Indian vote. Thatll be up to you to earn. Understood. Of course. And one more thing. What is it?

Im not writing any speeches for you.

Bernays speechthen stopped smiling when he looked into my eyes and what and how much I would do for him. Chuck drew a blank on all this without a whimper.

Ron smiled in recognitionno doubt flashing back to the Edward

got my deeper drift: we were partners now and I would decidenot him but Ron took a long drink and nodded. He understood politics and acceded

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Chapter 54 Id spent the last couple of days trying to think of a memorable

activity for the foundation opening andshut my mouth wide openI

believe Ive come up with an idea! I already briefed Billy Bear about our initial campaign, but what we needed was an opening gambit that would really let people know we were here. One morning lying next to Meelahnee, listening to her soothing purr-like snore, a bell rang in my head so loudly that I was sure it would wake her up. Leafblowers! Yes, thats what wed focus on: leafblowers. In my

social studies class at Albemarle we had an informal unit called The

immorals, where the teacher asked us to comb the culture outside the gates for things that we might possibly consider immoralby our standards at making millions, fast-food packaging waste, investing in housing while least. Strewn among the points about athletes endorsing products, doctors young people and the poor are languishing in rental units, and a menagerie one was.

of otherssomebody blurted out, Leafblowers! I didnt even know what Most people on the outside do, of course, but for the uninitiated, a

leafblower is a gasoline-powered device producing a blast of air, whose sole them into a pile or pulverize them, but to blow them from one part of your yard or driveway to another. Or into the street. Why did my classmate consider this unconscionable? To examine

purpose is to blow leaves from one place to another. Not gather them or rake

at the facts as he stated them, a leafblower creates insufferable noise

wait til your neighbor gets one or the Mexican gardener hauls it out on his rounds of apartmentsand air pollutiontheyre gasoline-powered, after all. And theyre made of generally non-recyclable materials: hard plastic, rubber, nondescript wiring and so on. And what they accomplishthis is the kickeris virtually nothing! At least with a rake you get a neat pile and some exercise. Should we use a rake instead? No, that wouldnt be convenient.

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one of the major cults of our society. I call it a cult because it has so many loyal and unthinking adherents. And frankly, Im uneasy with the fact that were actually the butt of jokes of people from other countries on this

Heres what Im getting at, then. Ive come to see convenience as

account. Can you believe it? And not just Europeans, either, but Malaysians, Chileans! Pakistanis! They say we dont know how to live graciously; that were addicted to the quick and easy. They point to fast food, plastic, instant this and that, the microwave, showers, kit furniture, entertainment from TV, mini marts, polyester, ATMs, the sound bitejust for startersand shake

their heads. Wheres the quality of life, they ask; the joy of living? And they as well. Its embarrassing. So thats what gave me the idea of using the modern American life.

hate that were exporting these cult objects and rituals to their own countries leafblower, fellow-traveler to all of the above, as a kind of facile symbol of I argued with a guy just yesterday about ithe said that the more

affluent or discriminating among us probably wouldnt touch polyester or

grab lunch at a drive-through if their firstborns life depended on it. Maybe from any of those quality-of-life drains? This more refined crowd includes their lawyers and accountants, consultants, bankers, ad writers, those who design software for themthe list goes on but I wouldve make myself him up to the 7-11 and bought him a Coke.

so, I replied, but how many of this noble band of affluents produce or profit

unpopular with the guy for sure if Id kept on with it. Instead, I walked with I made an appointment today with Billy Bear and the chiefsthey dont

actually do appointments but tend to gather when something important ceremony.

or interesting is uptelling them I had an intriguing idea for the opening I purposely turned up latewhich was just about on timeand the

same four who had attended our initial meeting were there. Billy nodded to me but it was the old-timer in the cowboy hat who spoke first. When I was a young man, Ben, I used to ride a horse from here to

Albuquerque. No fences in them days. I rode all night under the stars. I

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let my horse pick his wayhe never failed me. Wasnt afraid of coyotes, No Trespassing signs started going up. Cut my horse on barbed wire and

neither, though I was. I rode that way til round about the Sixties. Then the he died of blood poisoning. Last night I got eighty-sixed from the bar cuz outa line. Was I outa line? You tell me.

I complained about it to some fella from the highway crew. He says I was I had no idea what he was talking about. It wouldnt be right to

ask him if he was drunk last night. Regardless, it was probably a case of tradition meets modernity and thus cries out. And gets sent packing. What can I tell you? When I was at Albemarle I trained as a mediator,

helping other kids solve their problems. When I ended up in Santa Fe, they wouldnt let me do that, said I was just a kid myself. Same thing when I more fences go up. For all our so-called liberation, as soon as we knock

went to California, except that I wasnt a kid anymore. Every day more and down one fence, two more go up. Thats what modernity has come to mean, up. I hope with the foundation we can tear some of them down. With your help, I intend to try. The room was quiet for a minute or so.

it seems to me. One fence down, two fences up. I dont know where itll end

There was a noticeable relaxation around the table, a few coughs, some scratching, and Billy spoke. called it. Were interested in hearing your plan. The opening ceremony, you All eyes were on me.

Well said, he offered. Now lets get on with the business.

a leafblower.

Well, I should start by asking if you know any among the Taos who use Billy took it upon himself to clarify this for the other elders.

leaves and cut grass to the sides?

You mean those gas-powered machines for cleaning sidewalks by blowing Now the chiefs were thinking.

I know a young man who worked for a landscaping company. I asked him

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what it was and he gave me a demonstration.

My son-in-law has one, another said.

I explained my reasoning, and went so far as to say that it might even be seen as a symbol of the kind of people weve become. A petty symbol, I a nation is, what a people are. I talked about my social studies class and

Their seeming neutrality wasnt making it easy, but I pressed ahead.

told them, but its all the petty little habits added together that make up what how we pretty much concluded that using a leafblower was one of the most unjustifiable forms of behavior a civilized people could do and yet we did it as if it were nothing out of the ordinary. Millions of us, according to sales figures, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I proposed that we out this practice as a way of showing how convenience had taken over good sense and has actually lowered our quality of life. One of the elders spoke up.

any form it chose and take you away. Now you tell me this, Im afraid of the leafblower. No one spoke for a time. Finally, I took a deep breath and went on.

When I was a boy I was afraid of the thunderbird, who could appear in

demonstration of this symbol of absurdity, of infatuation with the fastest as are ableor agreeableto go down to Santa Fe, the heartland and

So what Im saying for the opening of our foundation is, lets do a

way between two points instead of the best. Id like the tribe, or as many nerve center of the state, and gather there in Santa Fe Plaza, every man and to the other end. Then well blow them back again, and again and again. Whats the point? There is none. Thats the point.

woman with a leafblower. Well start at one end of the park and blow leaves

Santa Fe parks are clean, another said.

gather leaves in Taos and well bring them with us to the plaza. The noise Billy Bear said.

Well bring our own leaves. Well get the children involvedtheyll

Yes, the noise, I said. The sound of a thousand leafblowers, the stupidity

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of blowing the leaves back and forth.

Will the people understand what were doing?

some articles. Im also going to create a foundation website and talk about it there. And Ive enlisted the help of Congressman Ron Baker, whos agreed to give a speech at the end. Of course, all the TV news crews will be there. are naturally quiet. Were steeped in the lore of the whooping war braves

I think they will. Well put up posters, hand out leaflets. I intend to write

I dont think Ive ever heard a deeper silence. Indians, like Japanese,

attacking the wagon train but Ive found that Indians are among the quietest people on earth. They dont just talk to be heard. They talk when something in the desert when I sojourned therethey were apparently all around but of nowhere and waved when I waved to him. I was no stranger to Indian silence. I like it, one elder finally said. cant be communicated any other way. Like the Indians around Janets cabin I neither saw nor heard them, save once when one suddenly passed by out

The one with the cowboy hat countered. thinking.

Fool, youre thinking to get drunk and party up, thats what youre So what if I am? He turned to me. My brother thinks an old man should

sit home dreaming about the old days. I told him I got five, maybe six good years left and I ain gonna sit on no pot reading Time Magazine. If theres people, thats a party, as far as Im concerned. Hear that, brother? Its me and a bottle and a leafblower, and were gonna have us a good time. Billy broke in.

we all know youll be there holding your head up high just like the rest of us.

You talk a good talk, Red Deer, but when the tribes reputation is at stake,

another dimension to my pitch.

This drew a few muted guffaws from the others. I was emboldened to add So I was thinking, maybe we could do this right after the PowWow; that

way, we could get some of the other tribes to join in.

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or fail on their own merits. It wouldnt be right to risk anyones reputation but our own on something public like this. We dont mind controversy, if it has an aim. But we dont want to bring anyone else into controversy. Fair enough. If the Taos were to go down, they preferred to do it

So you said before. But if we succeed or fail, the Taos should succeed

The room turned cool. After a sufficient time, Billy Bear spoke.

without bringing down the good name of the other tribes. There would be only me accompanying them, whod not only share in their fall but was a co-conspirator and in fact, the instigator. And now that I thought about it,

was it right for me to put them in such a position? But they hadnt agreed tribes well-being.

yet, and if they did, they knew better than me what risks there were to the I understand, I said. Then: Theres one more thing. Billy, I told you

before that we could open with the theme of breaking the rules. But now idea, I thought we might focus on that theme first. The convenience thing and how its sapping the life out of us. Itll be a good follow-up to the

that Ive thought about it, and especially after coming up with the leafblower

opening ceremony, and I dont think people will be as sensitive about it as

they might be about the rules. After all, they might admit to taking the easy way out much of the time, but may not want to consider that they break the rules because theyre not free but want to feel like they are. So well start The chief in the hat spoke up. with the convenience thing and then ease into the other, maybe next year. Dont want to give em more than they can chew. Might choke on it. the start.

Thats what I mean. One step at a time so they dont just turn off from Billy weighed in.

back to you. You understand, Ben, that because a large part of the tribell be involved, thats the reason we have to consult.

It sounds like youve got the package. Well take it to the council and get

well lay the foundation, then well put up the framesee, Im learning. Or should

Yes, I expected that. When do you think theyllwait, I know, I know: first

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I say, unlearning.

The one in the cowboy hat spoke again.

listen to you talk, I can almost imagine youre Taos. I hope I can live up to your expectations. So do we, Ben.

Ive said this to Billy and Ill say it to you: when I close my eyes and I was unprepared for that, and felt myself blushing. Billy stood up to signal that the meeting was over.

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Chapter 55 Our wedding ceremony date had been set and Lahnee and I were

like a couple of kids under a blanket plotting fantastical stuff. Shealways the drowsy one at bedtime and quick to slip blithely into dreamlandnow sometimes kept me awake til late jabbering about the wonder of it all. She was being taken into her people, after fronting so many generations in the

wilderness, so the ceremony to her was not only a reaffirmation of our bond but an initiation into a new role and status in life for her. Now she would be able to truly say, I am Taos, and with so much more power and definition than one could say, Im Scottish-Irish or Im American. In a flurry of benevolent energy uncharacteristic of her, Lahnees

mother Bonnie made the familys wedding costumes. Mine included. She measured us every which way using only her handsI have no idea how she remembered the distancesand within three weeks we were looking at four outfits spread across our bedone each for the bridal couple, one for fitting session and I have to admit, it was a job well done. Mindee, and an appreciably larger one for herself. All were present for the The material was hand-dyed linen, dark brown except for Lahnees,

which was tan, with deerskin accents sewn in golden thread. Each outfit came with a cowhide vest, full of imperfectionsno doubt because of budget constraints, though we had offered to pay. Bonnies even had a that it was a unique and pleasing aesthetic touch.

branding mark on it, yet it was generally agreed among the three of them What was even more unexpected was that everyones outfit fit perfectly.

Even Lahnees now-expanding belly was skillfully accommodated. How Later I drew Meelahnee aside.

Bonnie was able to accomplish it appeared to be something akin to magic. God, Lahn, your mother should have been a tailor. So howd she make the clothes?

She was. She had to give it up when her eyes got bad. An uncommon look of pride passed over her face.

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can only wear them fifteen or twenty minutes at a time.

She used these special glasses, but they give her a headache and she I was about to comment about this when Mindee came in the room, still

wearing her outfit. Her face was dolled up in colors, something unusual for her.

How do you like the make-up? she asked Lahnee. Think itll be okay?

mint. And I was more grateful than she probably realized that shed been over for nearly two hours and hadnt once given me the look. She was that and no doubt my fecund wife was, too. becoming more like a regular sister-in-law by the day. I was thankful for

Mindee was clearly enjoying the experience, her face euphoric like a cat in

in Roger Bradleys dojo, it was a haphazard affair more comical than probably have to wing it at the actual ceremony anyway.

The day finally came and though wed had a rehearsal after-hours

productive. Meelahnee told me not to worry too much about it, as wed It was an evening service, held at St Jeromes Chapel within the pueblo.

Jerome was the patron saint of the Taosninety percent of them were

Catholic, courtesy of the early Spanish padres. The priest was a handsome young Indian with blue-black hair oiled back into a pony-tail. A kerosene heater threw some heat into an otherwise cold room. At 7000 feet, Taos was cold at night! And with no running water or electricity within the pueblo as dictated by custom, the chapel was illuminated mostly by candlesthere and the odor of coconut oil from the candles gave the room an enchanted feeling, its rusticity only adding to the enchantment. It was a shame that we had no guests, as we would have liked to were kerosene lanterns around the room but only one was lit. Hazy smoke

have shared the moment and the setting with all our friends. Yet I realized that it was a private ceremony and I was grateful enough that the four of usMindee, Bonnie, Lahnee and Iwere allowed in the inner sanctum.

dark, dusty expanse lit only by an old camping lantern hanging from a stick stuck in the groundI suspected for my benefit, as Ive found that unlike us,

Billy Bear had met us at the pueblo entrance and escorted us across the

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Indians dont feel the same urgency to light up the darkness. Billy

and Bonnie in the front pew and positioned us in front of the priest, who shook our hands warmly. Billy put his hand on my shoulder. Its customary to have a witness. I could do no better than him!

ushered us into St Jeromes and walked us to the front. He sat Mindee

Would you be our witness, Billy? testimony to the sacred union.

With honor. But it is the custom that not one but many should provide I was about to negotiate a compromise when Lahnee squeezed my

hand and nodded toward the open double doors of the chapel. I looked back to see Taos elders silently filing in; four, five, six, they kept sauntering in, scrubbed up and looking neat in their western shirts and occasional cowboy hats and bolo ties, filling the rows without a sound. And they kept coming, too, all fifty of them apparently, with the utmost dignity and not a hair on their heads out of place. witness.

As you see, Billy Bear said, the Taos council elders will be your I looked at Lahnee and she had tears in her eyes. I dont think Ive

ever seen her look so beautiful. Jesus, she was a lovely sight.

wouldnt do their faces justice. Neither had had much use for the elders, nor the tribe for that matter, but now they were clearly moved by this august by my side for the words to follow. The priests eyes took on a faraway presence. Billy motioned for Lahnee and me to face the priest, and stood look and he seemed to be entering some faraway state of mind. He began mechanically reciting some words no doubt from the Catholic missal or similar text, and as the minutes wore on it became a drone, not unlike a chant. In our rehearsal we were told to let the priest talk for twenty

I glanced over at Bonnie and Mindee, and to say they looked awestruck

minutes and I was starting to hope he wouldnt rattle on much longer than or six minutes his tone changed, his eyes gathered life, and he began to

that. Im lamentably aware of my own impatience these days. Yet after five

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talk about Corn Tassel and the Apache raid that saw her separated from the tribe for almost twenty years, and her hopeful return with a son, only to be welcomed with half a heart. He talked about the sons hunting prowess and to describe the trials of all the generationsI heard a womans sob behind me and knew it must be Bonnieand the severe stand the tribe took to insure its own survival.

how he was grudgingly accepted as an Indian but not as a Taos. He went on

the Apache, the Comanche, the Navajoeven the Spanish, who came as our benefactors and set about dismantling our culture and replacing it with their own. Then came the so-called Americans, with their hunger for land and their worship of their science. This was the world Corn Tassel was born

The Taos were surrounded by enemies, he said with sudden emotion;

into, and this is why our people acted as they did. And not without pain! It must have torn their hearts to keep one of their own at a distance, just as it gives us pain today to do the same!

lament and the room was still. I could hear the steady hiss of the kerosene heater. The priest closed his eyes half a minute or so, then opened them. But today it is not grief but joy that brings us together. We are here to Stepping forward, he put a hand on Lahnees shoulder and one on mine.

As he said this, someone in the far pews let out a spontaneous cry of

celebrate love, and life, and the promise of the future. Often the bitterness of yesterday prepares us for a more appreciative tomorrow. Today we behold Benjamin and Meelahnee, allied spirits in the journey of life, to be joined, two souls side by side, in sacred marriage. He turned to the altar behind him to pour some wine from an open

bottle into a golden goblet that looked like it had been a Wal-Mart special. He picked up the vessel with both hands and faced us. Will you, Benjamin, drink of the cup of the blood of Our Lord, and

remember the blood of the Taos people shed to give us life and hope today? forehead as I bowed slightly, and drink one small sip. This I did. The priest took the cup and faced Lahnee.

I took the cup. I was to hold it with both hands, lift its rim nearly to my

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and remember today the blood of the Taos people shed so that we may live?

And you, Meelahnee; will you drink of the cup of the blood of Our Lord,

Then she said in a clear voice:

Lahnee took the cup, touched it to her forehead and drankall of it!

will be strengthened by it til the day I die. I am Taos!

I have drunk in the memory of the blood spilled by the Taos people and I was moved by her words, and her courage to break protocol in front of the The priest recovered from his momentary surprise, solemnly took the vessel

elders. Yet I couldnt help but think that they might be moved, too.

from her with both hands and put it back on the altar. Then he turned to the two women in the front row. Bonnie, mother of Meelahnee, and Mindee, sister, please stand.

hands with Lahnee and me, making a circle. The priest faced us. would help or prevent this marriage from taking place?

Billy sat as they got up, and as we had practiced, stood before us and joined Do you, as members of the family, have anything to say that you believe I looked at Bonnie and I knew that she was struggling to remember in

correct order the words she must have planned to say. Public speech

obviously didnt come easily to hershe opened her mouth and nothing

came out. Frustrated, her dark skin reddeningI could see it even in the had to deliver a speech at all.

light of the kerosene lampshe seemed then to relinquish the idea that she My daughter here, Meelahnee, has always been a joy to menot that

Mindee dont have her good pointsbut I had my own troubles so I didnt

pay neither one much attention. Im sorry for that. I never meant no harm. I, uh, I have to say I love my girls, though I never told em, not once. But Im sayin it now. to Lahnee.

She looked at each of them in turnthey were both crying nowthen back In all my days I never seen such a beautiful bride. You make me proud

and ashamed at the same time. Im ashamed cuz I wasnt the mother you

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deserved. Maybe thatll change now. Probly not. I ain no use to nobody, ceptin to old Buster my man, and even he can take me or leave me. But I will say this. This Benjamin here that you picked for your husband, hes

all right. He dont drink and he ain laid a hand on you. And he respects us, this marriageI been all for it from the start. You got you a good thing, yous two, and if it means anythin, you have my blessin.

which you dont find too much. So no, I dont have nothin to say to prevent

suddenly and so violently that the old lady hardly knew what to do. Mindee joined in. Soon Bonnie returned the embrace and they just stood there sobbing in each others arms.

With that, Meelahnee let go of my hand and embraced her mother so

Lahnee and Mindee stepped back and re-formed the circle. Bonnie was obviously shaken. Mindee, he said; do you have anything to say?

Finally the priest stepped in to restore order by a hand on shoulders and

Lahnee realized it as well. Mindee looked at me, then at her sister.

Now it occurred to me the position that Mindee was in, and Im sure Hes got a warm heart for us and thats all that matters. I dont care if

hes famous or nobody ever knows his name and you shouldnt, either. I support this marriage, because it brought something into this family that it never had before. It brought pride. So Ill stand up for this marriage and fight for it if I have to, because I never want to live without pride again and I know you dont, either. Thats all I have to say. I dont know if thats what shed intended to say but thats what

came out, and with noticeable petulance in her voice. Lahnee took it in priest motioned for us to face the elders. say?

stride, like a lioness unfazed by a rambunctious cub pulling on her tail. The The family has spoken. Are there any among you who has something to The room was quiet for a while, and finally a wizened elder near the back I was against this marriage and I was against opening the pueblo to this

stood up and spoke.

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couple and I was against the foundation. Im an old man so Im against a lot of stuff. There was some laughter.

Taos was the same. Thats how I lived. All eighty-five years of it. Whatever was good for the people, well, that was good for me. And vicey versey or whatever.

All my life I thought that what I wanted and what was good for the

you color a white man, hes still a white man. I speak from experience and you all know what Im talking about. But I wont stand in the way of this marriage, or the foundation, neither. I dont like neither one but I come to see its good for the Taos. So I put my selfish ways aside and stand up for the good of the people. Ben Cross up there aint too bad. If he aint Taos, well, he never asked to be born a white man, did he. More laughter.

Im still against this marriage. I dont care how many shades of brown

All Taos. And dont any one of yous treat that child of hers as less than Taos, neither. I dont care what his blood is. I seen his mother and shes Taos. This is the contract we make tonight and dont nobody mistake about that. And Ben theres not Taos but hes friend of Taos.

So I say let the marriage take place. Let Meelahnee from this day be Taos.

in the face, and let me look to the future, where no Taos needs to take a slap. support, because I believe its good for the people. Like I said, tonights

So tonight I put aside some of the old ways, ways I got from many slaps

So what I might be against in my heart, from my own experience, Im gonna a contract, not just for the marriage but for how we treat them and theirs.

Tomorrow is a new day for that family and if I hear that with any of yous its any different, you can bet Ill be knocking on your door. Remember what I come knocking on his door? happened to Henry Crellnotice I dont call him Tall Tree no morewhen So yeah, let this marriage, this bond of holy matrimony as they call it,

And the hopes of the Taos people.

be strong, be beautiful; let it be like a public sign of the character of the couple.

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went by.

He sat and the chapel was still once again. Three or four minutes The priest finally broke the silence.

Would anyone else like to speak? You may sit.

There were no takers, so he turned to Bonnie and Mindee. They took their places next to Billy in the front row. He turned to us. Please face one another and join hands. I turned to Lahnee and took her hands in mine. She was a different

woman than the one Id entered the chapel with. Her eyes had lost their perpetual, almost imperceptible tinge of pain. And she seemed much older. Older than me! I take this person, we said in unison. Into my life. Into my life. Now repeat after me, the priest said. I take this person.

And into my heart. And into my heart. To burn as the candle that brightens the night. To burn as the candle that brightens the night. To illuminate the spirit. To illuminate the spirit.

To bar the coyotes path. To bar the coyotes path. When his temptation seems too great. When his temptation seems too great. To wipe the greatest tears. To wipe the greatest tears.

To share the smallest joys. To share the smallest joys. To stand fast and give courage.

To stand fast and give courage.

When the world grows too harsh.

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When the world grows too harsh. I pledge to keep this sacred vow. I pledge to keep this sacred vow. And renew it if it wanes. And renew it if it wanes.

And strive without wavering. And strive without wavering. To abide by it always. To abide by it always.

We are now husband and wife. We are now husband and wife. With every privilege and responsibility. With every privilege and responsibility. Let us enjoy both. Let us enjoy both.

The priest paused before continuing.

now consider you married. May you always rejoice in one another.

As witnessed before the family and the elders: the Church and the Taos Meelahnee tilted her face up toward me and pulled me to her. She

never kissed in public! But it wasnt a kiss, exactly. She gently rubbed her nose from side to side against mine and then pulled back. What a tender starry-eyed schoolkids. finish to a remarkable ceremony. We smiled at each other like a couple of At that moment the entire congregation of elders stood upplanned

or spontaneous, I dont know which. The priest motioned for Bonnie and Mindee to riseBilly had already stood upand take a place next to us,

four in a row. He then shook my hand, then Lahnees, Bonnies, Mindees,

and walked down the aisle toward the front doors. Billy stepped forward and did the same, and to my surprise, the elders followed suit, row by row, each in turn walking by in a line, shaking each of our handssome nodding, some smiling, some offering a word of congratulation or encouragement.

Even the elder who had spoken against the marriage was cordial, pausing

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briefly to say, Dont worry, Ill get used to it, and then to Meelahnee,

Welcome, daughter. Five or six more and all the elders were gone, save one who remained behind to escort us out. It was the old guy who always wore the cowboy hat to our meetings. This is a happy day for us, he said.

his name.

Thank you, Gray Wolf, Lahnee said. It was the first time Id heard When we got to the door I expected to find the same dusty darkness

wed come across to get to the chapel but was amazed at what I sawthe distance away by holding paper lanterns, and behind them on both sides a sizable throng of the Taos people crowded close, at least two hundred arranged Lahnee and me in front, with Bonnie and Mindee behind us.

very same elders had created a luminous path to the pueblo entrance some

of them, maybe more. As we entered this scintillant pathway, Gray Wolf Hold her hand, he said to me. Walk slow, dont smile at nobody.

deliberate drumbeat, and soon he was joined by others. When they seemed to reach the end of a phrase, women in unison answered back as it were, gate.

As we began, I heard a lone male voice start to sing, backed by a slow,

and so it went as we made our way along the radiant human walkway to the They dont do this for everybody, ya know, Lahnee said quietly to me. In due time we arrived at the gate, and the singing stopped. There

This is special.

waiting for us was a rickety open carriage drawn by a sturdy-looking black horse. The driver motioned for the two of us to get in the back seat, facing were thrown over our shoulders and a heavy Indian blanket tossed in to cover our legs. forward, Bonnie and Mindee climbing in to sit opposite us. Colorful shawls

See you Monday, Billy Bear said with a wave as the carriage pulled away. It was a night to remember. Look at me, Bonnie saidthe first time Id ever seen her smileIm the

Queen of England.

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Chapter 56 A couple of weeks after the wedding, I got the go-ahead from the

tribe for the foundations opening ceremony in Santa Fe. Billy had said the nodded knowingly.

elders laughed when they heard the leafblower idea, and many of them had At first we couldnt get a permit to use the plaza, on the grounds that it

would cause a public nuisancethey complained about the potential noise! I called Ron in Washington and two days later we got our permit.

thousand but when I went down to Santa Fe and paced off the park, it leaves, and we also had to have some space to blow them to.

Then we had to come up with four hundred leafblowers. Id wanted a

became clear that the area was too small for that many people blowing So where did we get four hundred leafblowers? Not from the

manufacturers, for sure. Thats one kind of advertising they could do without. No problem, said Billy; hed source them through the tribal grapevine, that informal network that joined Native Americans across the

country. And what made it easier was that they didnt all have to be working, either. Two hundred or so would make all the noise and blow all the leaves or fished out of streams. From fields. Abandoned sheds. Culverts. These we needed. The rest could be old, broken, defunct, pulled from scrap heaps were already pouring in, more than we needed, really, and we had plenty

of promises of loans of working models, most to be brought to Taos during the summer PowWow, to be returned after our ceremony shortly thereafter. Some donors, upon hearing what we were going to do with themand whydecided they didnt want them back. Speaking of ceremonies, I thought quite a bit about ours at St

Jeromes Chapel. I was high for about three days, and it seems like Lahnee still is. She couldnt stop talking about it, describing with consummate enjoyment all the little details I had missed, like the gaggle of boys behind the screen waiting for the ceremony to finish so they could blow out the candles; the rumble of Bonnies stomach because she hadnt eaten for days

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in an effort to slim down; the old chief who apparently couldnt take his

eyes off her that night; the mouse that scuttled across the floor and startled

Mindee; the barely discernable tear in the eye of the old geezer whod said

he disapproved of the wedding but gave himself away as Lahnee passed by a lot, that Meelahnee.

him outside the chapel in our pathway of lanterns; things like that. She sees Her mother seems about the same as before, although Ive noticed

that shes been stopping by the house more often. She doesnt say much, so on. I asked Lahnee if shes seen any changes and she says Bonnie is loop on that one, I guess.

as usual; generally comments about the weather, the cost of cigarettes and completely different. How, I asked. Its subtle, she answered. Im out of the Lahnees plumping up nicely. It wont be long now. I really didnt

know what to expect, though Ill admit to having had visions of her

waddling around the house bulging like one of her homemade enchiladas or raving at the least little thing in a hormonal mania, but in fact in both womanexcept of course that she was my Meelahnee and had all the body and mind she was almost indistinguishable from your normal, average attributes that I had come to know were in no way normal and average.

Her temperament nowadays, in spite of the occasional outburst, was fairly

smooth, mild even, as if she were trying to set a good example for the child even as it grew within her. If its a girl, she had said, we dont want her to ruin her life by getting all carried away with her emotions. And if its a

boy, well, we dont want him to ruin his life by getting all carried away with his emotions. And her body wasnt fat-and-blood swollen like a knockedup beagle bitch, either. Some women become elephantine; Lahnees belly had a noticeable but pleasing camber, her breasts swelled but were not more rounded look.

pendulous, and the bit of extra fat around most of her body gave her a softer, I never gave much thought to how the pregnancy would affect our

love life until one night when I was in a playful mood and was wreaking

mild havoc with her breastsshe recoiled, saying they were too tender for

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such roughhousing. Then it occurred to me that her entire erogenous estate might benefit from a withdrawal of action until after the baby was born. I told her so and she laughed. There must be lots of other stuff we can try; can do. And she wasnt the least bit embarrassed as we stepped into the the many ways that Eros could draw us together. Be careful, she said

dont worry about what we cant dolets use the time to find out what we unknown, not as an erotic adventure but more as a way we might explore with a giggle after a quirky marathon session that left both of us sweaty and sated; we might not want to go back to the old ways. Or we could do both, I said with a wink. Drew made his regular monthly appearance, this time with a

Brazilian model, Gabrielasaid she was teaching him the sambaand he

grudgingly admitted he liked the idea of the foundations opening ceremony. for a new project, he said. How about I hook you guys up? that out there you made contacts, rarely friends. usual, to get him to come back home.

Ive got a friend whos a documentary filmmaker, and hes on the lookout You made a friend in L.A., Drew? I teased, as he was always complaining He chafed at my remark but took it in stride, as he knew it was intended, as Well, an acquaintance, then. But hes a decent guy, Paul is, and hes already

done a film on Native Americans that was shown at Sundance. It wont hurt to talk to him. Im sure hes willing to come to Taos to discuss it. Think about it, Ben. More exposure for your ceremony, the foundation, your

website, the whole thing. TV networks are snapping up documentaries like huskies at a feed-fest, and coming along a respectable time after the news publics mind. coverage youre bound to get that day, it could cement the image good in the I had some reservations but I trusted Drews judgment about the guy. Okay, tell him to get in touch with me. Ill call him today. And if you two agree, hell probably want to start right

away. You know, behind the scenes, the lead-up, the personalities, all of it. The ceremonyll be the climax, so to speak.

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You draw a pretty picture. I had no doubt he did.

Ive got my finger on the pulse, kid. I can feel the heartbeat. By the way, Drew. The PowWows coming up, too. I dont suppose

you could come for that and stick around another couple days for the ceremony?

These six- and seven-day weeks are killing me.

Your wish is my command, bwana. I need some downtime anyway. The PowWow, of course, was where Id arrange to stick him with

the drummers with a drum in his hand, in the nave belief that the primal

rhythms permeating his body through to his bones might reawaken in him

that attachment to music so deep that when it was put to sleep by the heady narcotic of his success, he was left considerably less whole. I know he was because I could feel it, just standing near him. So I was going to keep after the guy, because no one else would. Finally, we all got quite a shock when Mindee cancelled her

wedding. She was in tears the day after our ceremony at St JeromesI was in the backyard putting up another one of my carvings and could hear her through the window as she cried to Lahnee about the beauty of the night before, the meaningfulness of it all, and how hers could never compare, could only be a cheap imitation, just as Eddie was!

wailed, and I didnt know if I should go in and try to comfort her or just stay the hell away.

How come you always get everything and I end up with nothing? she

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Chapter 57 Call me papa! One day youre a nobody on the street trying to

make a go of it; the next, lord of the ascendant, charged with creating for a the house was surrounded by wolves, only they didnt see themselves as

new member of the species a microclimate free of fear and want. Suddenly wolves. They believed they were merely salespeople, municipal workers, landscapers, solicitous passers-by. But I know they were wolves because their design was to gobble up an essential nature free of corruption and

regurgitate back into that receptive mind the image of a loyal citizen of the culture with all its mad desiresjust like them! In short, make the child a to grow up free to choose. Even if it chose the pack! member of the pack. But that wasnt going to happenthis child was going I was relieved when Meelahnee told me she decided not to have

the baby in a field somewhere. She wouldnt, however, agree to go to the

hospital. She wanted to have it at home with just me and Bonnie there, and maybe Dr Sarah on call in the other room, just in case. Mindee was invited but she refused, saying it was just another knife in her heart. Lahnee kept working right up to the week before she went into

labor, saying she wasnt some brood mare waiting around the barn while

the fields went fallow. I rented a car for the last month, though, so she could could see her heart wasnt in it. That night she read some poems to me from a tattered book shed found at a garage sale, her legs propped up on mine, there was a line she especially wanted me to consider. For some reason I found myself thinking that I hoped it wasnt going to be just her and the her finger tugging a belt loop of my jeans every time her emotions rose or

get around better. She lectured me about it when I first brought it home but I

baby, with me the odd man out. I couldnt bear being any less close to her

than I was then. I tried to write off the feeling as just the jitters of impending fatherhood but I couldnt shake it. I was at the mercy of time now, time and biology, knowing that within the month Id have my answer one way or another.

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delivery, and although she and Lahnee had always hit it off, they really got

Sarah was able to come down around three days before the anticipated

close this time. I think Lahnee could feel her natural concern, love even, and also knew how difficult it must have been for Sarah to get the time off. They spent the days talking, laughing, lolling on the porch, cooking up a storm, shopping for baby things. For my part, I was glad to have Sarah around

again. We picked right up with the old banter. She didnt miss a trick, either, that girl, and let me have it every time I showed the least doubt or nerves. I always thought I was toughwhen I needed to bebut theres none as tough as her. Except maybe Meelahnee. Bonnie softened somewhat as the day grew near. She regularly

brought food over and sometimes trinkets for the coming baby, referring

to it now as the little papoose. Once I saw her touch Lahnees hand briefly as she got up from the kitchen table to go, something Id never witnessed before. Lahnee shot me a look like, Did you see that?! We had a laugh about it later, and Lahn said, See, I told you shes changed!

have a regular kind of family relationship but with the baby on the way

Mindee stopped coming over altogether. Id been hoping we could

and all, her attempt at in-lawhood finally fell apart. No theatrics, no tears, drinking some of Lahnees cider in the kitchen and she told us she was

just a kind of fading away. The last time she was over, the three of us were moving down to Santa Fe. Shed gotten a job in one of the Indian gift shops and was planning to live with a guy shed known from high school and some of his friends. I didnt say anything in front of Lahnee but when I

walked her to her forlorn Ford parked out front, I told her she was making a even offered her a job at the foundation. voice.

mistake and that Lahn and I would take good care of her right here in Taos. I You dont get it, she said, allowing the slightest anger to show in her You think I dont but I do.

I tried to put my hand on her shoulder but she brushed it away. So why dont you tell me how it is, then.

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how I feel about Meelahnee. Its selfish and I cant help it. And I want you to stay stay close because if I cant have you like before, at least I could have you like it is now. We could at least have that. Thats not enough for me. Not after L.A. Not after the pueblo ceremony I told you what I want. Im sorry.

Ill tell you how it is with me, Mindee. I still love you. And you know

and now the baby. Do you want me to go crazy? Is that what you want? You want both of us, with me running a step behind. No, Ben, youre wrong. Im the sorry one.

car. Without another word or look, she started it up noisily and drove away. As I approached her she put her arms around me and held me tightly. Let her go, Ben.

She turned, seemingly spent and emotionless, and got into the dilapidated Turning back toward the house, I saw Meelahnee standing in the doorway.

Lahnees labor started about eleven-thirty the following night. knew it was time.

Wake up, she said, shaking me gently. Call my mother. Thats how I The lights went on and my rattling around the house woke up Sarah, who Is it what I think it is?

was sleeping in the other bedroom.

that would ward off any nerves that might contrive to suddenly ambush us. and Isat on the bed around Meelahnee, propping her up with pillows,

It depends on what you think it is, I replied breezily, trying to set a mood Bonnie rolled up fifteen minutes later and the three of usBonnie, Sarah

holding her hand, offering encouragement. Sarah finally got up to go back

to her room but Lahnee changed her mind and asked her to stay. Sarah was clearly touched, and when she saw that I recognized her emotion she stuck her tongue out at me. Once Bonnie was sure Lahn was fine and everyone was calm, she

asked me to boil and dry a sheetwe never used our dryer but luckily

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hadnt gotten rid of the darned thingas well as a couple of towels. Shed brought along a satchel containing a bottle of alcohol, a mean-looking hunting knife and a ball of twine, and I guess we were set. The labor wasnt was fairly drawn out, and the real drama came thick and fast around dawn. Contractions were now seconds rather than minutes apart and we washed

too badI guess I can say that because I wasnt the one laboringthough it

our hands and dowsed them with alcohol. The sheet was folded into quarters and put into position. Bonnie asked Lahnee when her last bowel movement wasthough not exactly in those termsand satisfied with her answer, prepared for the delivery.

too, as her water soon broke. It wont be long now. Push, girl, when you member.

She pulled off Meelahnees pajama bottoms and it was good timing,

feel it comin and youll be home free. The deer totems gonna have it a new A quarter of an hour passed, without incident but not without

excitement. Then the moment of truth. I held Lahnees hand now as she

started pushing, and in less than a minute the exquisite furry lips began to me.

part and the crown of a downy pink head was visible. Bonnie looked over at How do you like that pussy now, Ben? You see what all your whoopee

produced? From now on, when you go in there, remember this day. That enough.

place is sacred. Dont you forget it. Push, Meelahnee. You ain pushin hard I shouldnt have been shocked by her matter-of-factness but might

have been if it werent for the drama now unfolding. Soon the head was out, and with another herculean push and a deft little twist of the shoulders by Bonnies fingers, the rest of the body came out in a watery spurt. Its a girl, I said. Its a beautiful girl.

Getcher hands back, Ben, cant you see I got work to do?

knifenot with her teeth as Id imagined. She held the baby up for a slap but the little thing was already belting out a good cry. Meelahnee reached

Bonnie tied off the cord with twine and cut it with the hunting

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forward greedily and took her in her arms.

a towel. Dont cry, little one. Mommy and daddy are going to give you all the love you need. And then some.

My daughter, my daughter, she said, holding her and wiping her with

and ever and well never be lonely. Wheres Mindee? Mom, call Mindee. went to the phone.

And then some. See what your daddy says? Hes gonna love us forever Bonnie got up slowly, her bones no doubt aching, washed her hands, and Hold your daughter, daddy Lahnee said. See what she feels like. Shes I took my daughter in my arms, the crying subsiding, and rocked her gently.

half you and half me. Shes US.

No words can describe what I felt so I wont even try.

a little more love than its got in it now. I wont let you down. legged twat oozing the afterbirth cant believe itare you crying?

Im going to make a world for you, honey, I promise you that. A world with I looked at my Lahneesleepless, weary, sweaty, hair stringy, spreadLook at my beautiful wife, Sarah. My beautiful, beautiful wife. Sarah, I Bonnie came back in the room. Mindees gone to Santa Fe.

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Chapter 58 Meetahnee was a good babyno colic, quick to take the breast

and quiet down, few tantrumswhat a kid. I didnt want to leave her for a determined to harness it or be blown away into oblivion.

moment, but of course I had to. A portentous wind was picking up and I was The foundations opening ceremony was looming and there was

much to do. Not to mention the additional complication of having Paul

and his film crew following me around all day. I wouldnt let them in the naturally. Just preserving cultural integrity is how I jokingly met their frustrationand incredulityon both accounts.

house around little Tahnee, nor were they allowed to film inside the pueblo,

with film people before and knew that they took it as their right to knock on any door and have it opened for themand massaged them good with the inside story on arcane tribal life, tales of adventure, early-days bear and cougar encounters, much of which I suspected was a complete fabrication but which drew them in, turned them back into boys around the campfire listening wide-eyed to tales told. He became the Taos number one PR man

Gray Wolf picked up right away on their displeasurehed dealt

because no one else couldor woulddo it, and because I believe he had a stubborn desire to see the foundation become a success. He seemed to sense the power of this motley blue-jeaned, baseball-capped bunch to help make

or break the tribes attempt to shake itself out of the New Mexico backwater and put itself on the American map. That old man in the cowboy hat was a true politician. Days swept by like starlings on the wing and the PowWow

finally arrivedthree raucous days of drumming and dancing, food and

craftsa gathering place for members of various tribes where they could showcase colorful swatches of their culture to the wider community. It wasnt a public festival; it was an Indian festival open to the public.

renew acquaintances, share ideas, strengthen bonds and only incidentally,

Word had already spread about the foundation and the approaching opening

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ceremony, and the place was buzzing about it. Most people agreed it was about time the First Americans took a public stand and shone a mirror back to the mainstream culture, although more than a handful of old-timers thought the whole thing was stupid and werent afraid to say so, either. saying he was swamped with work. I had a feeling that it had more to I was hoping Drew would show up but he begged off at the last minute,

do with his latest fling, Gabriela, the Brazilian charmer who hed lately

lamented had been paying far too much attention to well-known producer who was higher in the food chain than him. You didnt fall in love with her, did you? was my usual query when such disasters struck, to which he that I fell in love with.

typically answered something along the lines of, Well, it wasnt exactly her So there went my chance to hit him over the head with some music

in hopes of turning that head around. Maybe next year. Or maybe Im just dreaming here. Maybe the guy doesnt want to be turned around. I doubt that thatll deter me, though.

working leafblowers and who would carry the non-working models; where they would stand in relation to one another; how they would know when

The following week was madness, organizing who would operate the

to start up and turn off the machines; when to move and how fast; where to sit during the speechmaking and so on. Billy Bear appointed a young buck to act as field coordinator, and the first rehearsal was a comedy of errors I hoped wouldnt be repeated in front of a critical public, even though Paul It was a modern replay of one of those comedy movies where the hapless army recruits are marching in every direction but the right one.

and his peeping camera crew saw it all, recorded every misstep for posterity.

little Tahn. I told her we were in trouble unless we got on a schedule and

I related this woeful scene to Lahnee that night as she was nursing

kept to it. She asked me if Id heard the Hopi story. You know that story,

too? I asked her. Sure. We always haul it out when the white man wants shut up. Id have to rely on the tribes wisdom to somehow pull it off.

to organize us into an efficient little machine. I got her drift right away and

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needed to put up over four hundred participants, plus another four or five hundred who wanted to be there in support or just watch. Almost no one had the money for hotels or motels so it was a matter of finding friends,

The final hurdle to be overcome was the question of lodging. We

relatives, or public-spirited citizens who would put the lot of us up. Many of the tribe had wanted to just sleep rough, as it was summer and grassy parks were just the ticket, but Billy Bear got the elders to nix that idea on

the grounds that the foundations purpose was to pull us more strongly into the new century, while sleeping on the ground would drag us back into one long pastin the publics mind, at least. The elders agreed, and the people A Catholic school agreed to open its gymnasium and even filled it

begged, borrowed and called in favors in order to find beds for all. with cots and a coffee urn. By the night before the ceremony, everyone had a place to sleep lined up. Lahnee had a cousin in Santa Fe, and the living room sofa bed was graciously offered. We accepted on the spot. We called time.

Mindee when we arrived but she said she couldnt make it over to see us this The ceremony was scheduled to start on Saturday at noon, hot for sure

but calculated to be a busy and well-peopled time. I asked our young field coordinator to have everyone assembled in the plaza by eleven. In his cleverness he had improved upon the ceremonys overall configuration so

that only half the group would form the initial phalanx to blow leaves to the opposite end of the rectangular park, where the other half would be waiting wed get maximum sound coverage with minimum elbow-jostling. The blowing would continue for a good thirty minutes. I arrived with Lahnee at eleven-fifteenthe baby was left with machines roaring to blow them back again. By dividing them like this,

with her cousin on account of the expected racketand we found the

troops gradually assembling. Hopefully Paul caught the excitement, the onlookers as well.

anticipation, not only on the part of the Taos but in the gathering crowd of A TV crew from Albuquerque had erected a ten-foot steel platform for

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their camera and had a roving reporter and porta-cam on the ground. The grab Lahnees hand, she faded noiselessly into the background. What do you hope to accomplish here, Dr Cross? I almost laughed. Next theyll be calling me Professor. better way to live.

blond-streaked young reporter wanted to interview me and though I tried to

What people are doing here today is making a statement that theres a What way is that?

Let me ask you this. Whats your opinion of leafblowers?

askedand reporters dont necessarily expect to be questioned by the people they interview! lives easier.

Now it was her turn to suppress a laugh. Its not a question one is typically

I dont know. No opinion, really. Theyre useful tools. They make our Ah yes, reading from the same script as everyone else.

that maybe you havent freely chosen your views, since no one chooses absurdity. Its quite possible that many of us have come to accept a manufactured philosophy of life, one that in the long run will prove

If thats the case, then you might considerand I say this respectfully

destructive to us and our whole experiment in freedom in this country. The Taos people here today, and me as their friend and ally, just want to point that out. And later, the foundation we represent will try to explain why.

as a sign to the cameraman that the interview was over. Id be willing to bet a year of Meelahnees enchiladas that this segment wouldnt appear on the Give the people what they want. Give us Barabbas!

She couldnt think of what to say next and drew her finger across her throat

six oclock news tonight, though the carnival-like leafblowing surely would. Twelve oclock came and went and the ceremony hadnt started yet.

People were still arriving, stowing their belongingsthey were supposed to leave them at their lodgings!seeking out their friends for a chat and

seeming to do everything but what theyd been rehearsing to do for the past

week. I implored our young coordinator to get coordinating but his plaintive

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reply was that age was a big consideration in the giving of orderselders simply werent to be bossed by their juniors. I asked Billy Bear to lend a hand but he was already on it, moving people into lines, reminding them of the simultaneous start-up of blowers, and goading them with the fact that three-piece lounge suites! I looked to the other end of the plaza and saw Gray Wolf doing the same, pacing and gesticulating, people doing their surrounding the four sides of the plaza and I was anxious to get going. best to get with the program. A sizable crowd had gathered in the streets Around twelve forty-five there was a semblance of readiness and I gave the public was watchingall those mainstreamers with their HDTVs and

the thumbs up to start. On the coordinators cue, the working models of two hundred and twenty-three leafblowers at each end of the park were cranked up, and the noise was deafening. Echoing off the historic buildings on all four sides as it did, it was many times louder than in our open-air field relief. I looked around for Meelahnee but didnt see her anywhere.

rehearsals in Taos. For the first time that day I could take a small breath of The children had collected about fifteen burlap bagfuls of leaves,

and as these had been spread along the edge of our waiting phalanx, the

leafblowersinterspersed with authentic-looking dudsbegan their work, blowing the dry, crackly vegetation toward the west end of the plaza. The noise was excruciating. And because the day was hot and still, the fumes and dust were excessively noxious and unpleasant. All the better!

other side, and like the changing of the guard the waiting blower operators stepped forward almost as one. For some reason there was a spontaneous

The line of blowersand faux-blowerstook about a minute to reach the

shout at this point, something like bouta! or gouta! We never practiced this and I had no idea what it meant. In any case, the new squadron carried on toward the opposite end of the park where the original cohort had begun. When they reached that point they turned and, uttering that same its rawest form and was stunning to behold.

unprompted cry, all of them now, started back again. It was street theater in The noise was truly appalling but the growing crowd hung on for

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more, gathering closer, pointing, taking photos, hoisting children onto

shoulders, you name it. And I could see our blowers getting into it now,

their fears and awkwardness being replaced by a growing ease and sense of fun. Some were swinging their leafblowers from side to side in unison and the rhythmic pattern began to spread. Within minutes the utter cacophonous

chaos of the scene was slowly being transformed into something of a higher last weeks PowWow. The Taos were realizing it now, too, and everywhere to sing! An old man with a piercing voice, uttering something like, Heyna-oh-na-jum-ba-ee-ee ya-ye yah! and in quick succession others joined in, louder, louder yet, determined not to be outdone by the harsh wail of

order, a kind of improvised dance, almost as if this were just an extension of there were smiles, bobbing shoulders, swaying heads. And someone started

the leafblowersfour hundred forty-six participants, seven hundred someodd family members and friends, all singing at the top of their voices, all seemingly having but one purposeto be heard above the din! And they were! My arms broke out in goose bumps and I felt emotion welling up

within my chest. I heard a pure, crystalline voice begin next to me. It was

Meelahnee! She smiled at me as she sang, and looped her arm through mine. When I am to die, as we must, let this moment, let this very second or one just like it be my last one on earth. Crazy as it sounds, the scene was one of indescribable beauty. The

Taos had created order out of chaos! And not a coordinator in sight! They had been brought here, some grudgingly, most nervously, at the behest of

their elders and with the admonition to do their duty for the greater good of the people. They werent to drink, they werent to carouse, they werent to sleep free under the stars. And this whole eccentric caper at the instigation of an outsider! Yet they had transformed this unrequested burden, this pleasure of the Taos! For the glory of the Taos!

barely comprehensible obligation, into a thing of their own, a vehicle for the All too soon it was their last pass, the two phalanxes joined shoulder

to shoulder as one now, and as rehearsed, they reached the edge of the

park and stopped, held their leafblowers skyward and gave them one final

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rev before turning them off. It brought new meaning to the phrase, eerie silence. It was a deep and penetrating stillness and no one moved. The plan was to hold that position, mute blowers in the air, for ten seconds, then disband and fan out, finding a place to sit facing the simple maroon-draped dais where Ron would speak, then briefly introduce me. Where was Ron? leafblowers being started up. Not ours but others out of sight, maybe fifty My train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the sound of

yards away, and in every direction, too. Lots of leafblowers, by the sound of it. What was this? And the racket was moving closer, growing louderand who should appear marching through the streets and noisily into the plaza single-file from every corner as the crowd parted to let them pass? Indians! the tribes attending the PowWow. They made their way to the center of the park from the four corners, forming a great X, turned off their leafblowers simultaneously and sat down. A tumultuous roar of cheers and applause show of support. The buzz at the PowWow must have drummed up the interest to hatch this plot! broke out among the Taos, who had no idea there would be this intertribal

Altogether, maybe two hundred of thema few I recognized from some of

and invited members of the public to sit. Many did, on blankets brought

Finally, Billy took to the dais, tapped the microphone a few times

by the Taos, and the remaining spaces were then occupied by the family

members and friends who had been standing at the side. Now, said Billy when most were finally situated, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Baker. go. from the 3rd Congressional District of New Mexico, Representative Ron There was polite applause and thank god Ron was there and ready to

the words, though they reverberated in my ears from loudspeakers hung in into the world, and if the events of today, bizarre as they were, would help

Fellow New Mexicans, he began, and as he droned on I hardly heard

trees. No, I was thinking about my Meelahnee and the child we had brought our foundation become known so it could begin laying the groundwork for

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constructing for her a world where she could grow up free. No, that was no

longer enough for meI demanded no less than that she be able to grow up of it! Wasnt that, after all, the promise? It may be too late for me, but little Tahnees day has just begun.

free to fulfill herself as a human being. To be whoever she was and be proud

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Three years later. Chapter 59

PART VII

You must hate this country.

writer from Vanity Fair and his questions so far had been full of skepticism, though not quite to the point of hostility. As we sat in my piney office in Taos, his recorder catching all, he scribbled additional notes on a pad at my

I was being interviewed for an opinion piece on the foundation by a

every reply. What a weak vehicle words are, I thought, prey to the subjective impressions of whoever hears them. Or reads them! Quantum physics again, writ largeperception is reality!

spending nearly every waking moment trying to nurture it along toward maturity? track.

How can you say that? If I didnt love this country, do you think Id be

But you criticize it mercilessly. You claim its completely on the wrong Let me ask you something. Lets say you had a child whod strayed

because you didnt want to be accused of not loving that child?

into drugs, for example, or shopliftingwould you stand by and say nothing

right for the country equates with a parent knowing whats right for a child. law degree from Princeton, a fact he made clear to me early in the interview, the state of his country, dont you agree? Thats our birthright. Thats why it

That analogy may not really fit. Youre assuming your knowing whats Why doesnt it equate, Marc? His name was Marc Jacobs and he had a

for what reason I dont know. Every American is free to have an opinion on equates. And Ive tried to base my opinion on a solid foundationthe model set by Jefferson. If I take my opinion and compare it to the opinions of those around me and find a disparity, arent I free to comment about that? Is that what you call hating ones country? Marc was furiously scratching notes and it seemed unreasonable

to me that hed jet back to New York and assemble those notesdeftly

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couching my words in their midst to make a plausible storyand it

would be published in Vanity Fair with the presumption that this is the foundations Benjamin Cross. Scary stuff! But if I believed that every person is entitled to have an opinion, Id have to allow hisnot just allow

it, but encourage it. And I was doing just that by agreeing to the interview,

though it caused me some trepidation. Not that I was worried that I wouldnt say pretty much what I meant, but that it could easily be interpreted to mean something else. We really had to trust one another if we were to hope for a free country! Things werent helped much by Marcs adversarial style, which I put down to the fact that he had practiced law. I just hoped he was using his pointed questioning to arrive at the truth rather than to win his case.

but this was just a sample. Sometimes I think it wouldve been better if I had died in the fire, along with my mother. Its strange to even consider that she me. It really does. was the lucky one, though Ill admit Im beginning to do just that. It appalls

I cant begin to tell you what these last three years have been like,

or maybe because of itLahnee had been working herself into the

In spite of my growing frustration and even a little disillusionment

foundation like a soothing emollient, and we frigging needed it. I wont pretend that things have been swimming right along there. The fact is, the wall of silence that surrounds the foundations work, blithely if

unconsciously erected by the loyal partisans of our culture, has put my aptly puts it, Ive been letting em get to me. I cant deny that. And

considerable emotions increasingly under pressureor as Lahnee more maybe because of it, I find Im getting more and more contentious as I arc

ungraciously across the solemn age of thirty, ruffling far too many feathers that.

around the state and beyond. She was proving to be an invaluable balance to So what was her way in? Shes a teacher, wouldnt you know. It

started when she quit her job with the Foundation for the Blindshe found

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it just wasnt that satisfying anymore to teach people how to see, especially if they ended up looking around and didnt like what they saw. Why should she have to accommodate them to that world? So she marched into my office one day and said we ought to have a preschool program for Taos

children that imbued them more deeply with the values we at the foundation so passionately promoted to the world outside. She said that would suit her better and I had no doubt of it. There were already a couple of informal Indian preschools meeting

at peoples houses around town, but they were mostly babysitting services

for working mothers. Some kids couldnt even speak Tiwa, the language of be exposed to the richness of Taos language and culture. Thats why so not quite Indian, either.

the Taos. Lahnee was going on about a kind of schooling where they would many Indians in this country drink, she said; theyre not white, but theyre Shed been reading about the kohanga reo movement among the

Maori in New Zealanda way to help pull their people out of the doldrums by giving every child a strong and steadfast identity by way of a total immersion preschool. She even got funds from the tribe to go to New

Zealand to study it firsthandwe couldnt afford it ourselves because her former job paid peanuts and much of my salary went to expanding my school there. And then there was my arrangement with Sarah. Im thinking of coming to Taos, Ben. No! fathers gallery in Perugia and Franklins new project for an American art

here I am in Albuquerque prescribing Prozac to dentists.

Jawohl! Im tired of hearing about the state of Indian health care and Okay, fair lady, come to where the action is, then.

before. Ill get the start-up money from somewhere.

I cant wait. But no money from your foundation, hear? I told you that

my own funds to get her new clinic off the ground and something of a salary for herthough she insisted it be anonymous and totally separate from both me

You let me worry about that, okay? I said, and a week later committed

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and the foundation.

That way, if I go down, I wont pull the whole clothesline down with me. You aint goin nowhere but Taos, honey, Id replied. Lahnee was away in GodzoneGods own countryfor about

a week. She took the papoose, now three, with her, and came back raving about the schools shed seen. The biggest problem initially, she said, had been the students transition to elementary school. As one preschool kohanga reo was suddenly irrelevant! They walked wide-eyed into first

teacher told her, the students realized that everything they were taught at grade expecting to be held affectionately, to say prayers, to share their food, to help in the garden, to be asked to stand up and give a little talk about themselves and who they werebut instead the coldly rational public

school assigned them a number and pitted them against one another to win of the teacher that went with them. This harsh realization engendered the

the spoils of the brave new academic worldthe As and Bs and the praises second wave: kura kaupapa Maori, the Maori elementary school. It was also Maori gods and beliefs and Maori realms such as the earth, the mountains,

taught in the native tongue, and as well as conventional subjects, focused on forests, sea, and peoples place among them. The next obvious step was the into her captivating story, I was, too.

wharekura, or secondary school. Lahnee was ecstatic and about ten minutes So you want to set up thiswhatkohanga reo? For the Taos? Ambitious girl. Who?

Yes! And then the kura kaupapa Taos! And later the wharekura! And weve already got our first student. Meetahnee!

light was brilliant, you couldnt get too close. Like when Tahnee was born;

When Lahnee was hot she was a house on fire, and although the

as far as Meelahnee was concerned, that child was going to be one hundred percent Taos, with all the advantages that brought. I spent much of the time in those early days on the outside looking in, as I had feared. It took the

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better part of a year for Lahnee to start opening the door again. She was just about cool enough to be touchable when the New Zealand thing came up. She bowled over the elders with her massive balls and they sprang for

the trip and the school as a unit of the foundationwhich I myself lobbied for and later insisted be built close to the building my staff and I occupied. Tahnee was the first student, as planned, and now there are twenty-three. Counting Lahn, theres a staff of three. And who pays their salaries? The damned casino!

casino manager proudly, over one of Jacks excellent salsa pheasant breasts at a recent barbecue in my backyard. Who knows? Maybe in a generation or two of good education, we wont need the casino.

We plan to bankroll the elementary and a middle school, too, said the

a reasonable face. Thats a beautiful building, too. Maybe you can use it for the high school. So this is how it was goingme at the foundation, Meelahnee

Really? I replied, uncharacteristically drunk but trying my best to present

practically next door at the school, Sarah down the road at the clinic, and Jack picking up some extra scratch doing lunches for all three sites. So I spite of any difficulties I may have faced personally, I tried to put on a biting.

decent face and not let the others see the bullet I was privately and painfully

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Chapter 60 The leafblower ceremony had gone over big, although not in the way

Id intended. The national media mostly portrayed us as a laughingstock, even though there was a moderately positive response later to Pauls

documentary. Many of the local people were behind us, making waves as we did and having a U.S. senatorthen congressmanback us and all. New Mexico Punches Above Its Weight, ran the headline in the Santa Fe paper least were on the map now. Lets build from that.

where, fortunately, I still had some pull. Like Billy Bear said at the time, At That campaignfocusing on our culture going from proud

acceptance of purposeful work as the basis of our exertions to a belief that an associate producer for a little reconnaissance, but the story apparently the rules left and right under the hallowed aegis of freedomis in full swing. And as I predicted, when we made the switch to that from the

the easy, convenient path is betterlasted two years. Sixty Minutes sent out died in a boardroom somewhere. Our new campaignthat were breaking

decadence angleconveniencewe started to take a lot of flak. You just

dont tell people in the land of the free that theyre not. It doesnt register. It doesnt make sense. Give us examples, people would say, because there arent any So thats what were up against. Oh, yeah. And now another dimension has emerged, one I didnt

anticipate but really should have. Taos have been coming into the foundation nonstop and pouring their hearts out to me and my staff, now that theyve heard were on our freedom theme. It seems to revolve mostly around the machine.

technologyhow ya gotta buddy up to it! One must definitely interface with I hate cell phones because they just rob you of silence, of peace of mind,

but I need one for the job. I hear this sort of talk all the time. Two people this week alone have used the expression, chain around my neck to

is a big part of what it means to be free. Oh, were free to say no, all right, as

describe it. Every day it becomes clearer to me that THE ABILITY TO SAY NO

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long as we dont mind staying on the bottom rung forever. rebellious young buck might cry.

Im free to run my own life without a cold damn computer in it! a Of course you are. And youre also free never to get a decent job! All Ive also come to realize that the machine has many guises. One young

must sleep in Procrustes bed in the land of the free.

Taos girl, a friend of ours, came into my office saying that as a teacher at the local public school, shed been asked to fill out a survey in her homeroom about her students racial composition.

If they see me putting them in boxes like thatwhatever the reasontheyll start to feel like theyre in those boxes, or they already do and they see me be. I want them to feel at one with everybody. But the principal said I had just confirming it. Im the leader, the role model, or at least Im supposed to to, because its required for federal funding. Put that on your website, Ben: everybodys divided up and put into little compartments. Even the grading system does it. Its just not the Taos way. So what can I do? She could quit her job and stay poor.

I just couldnt do it. I dont look at them as white or red or black or brown.

What could she do? Its a free countryshe could do whatever she wanted. This is where ideology and reality part company, and this is the

thrust of our campaign. These little points of contentionconnect the dots

over a lifetime and what picture emerges? A land of freedom, or something Being left the fuck alone!

quite different? And what rewards are offered to conform? Money. Respect. I knew this young woman well. Her name is Linda. Barely one

year ago, shed come over to our house to ask Lahnee for advice. Since our admission to the pueblo, our place seemed to be filled with them. I finally got a job, after all these years of struggling, shed said tearfully,

and the first thing they tell me is I have to be fingerprinted. I told them sorryI was free to refuse, but it was a requirement for employment. I

Im not a criminal. I have lots of people who will vouch for me. They said asked for a day to think about it. Its all so strange. What are they thinking?

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What should I do, Lahnee? Lahn turned to me. Foundation fodder, eh?

counseling center. But in spite of the vexations, we were trying to tackle these issues dispassionately and I thought the work was going tolerably wellthough I should mention here that the cops were out last week.

And they keep coming. I told Lahnee its like were running a

Id gone to Lindas school to talk to the principal about that race survey

and gottenwell, just a bithot under the collar when she said I was no expertthough she fancied herself oneand that the survey was for the I really laid into her about how there was a bigger issue at stake benefit of the kids. By benefit I knew full well she meant federal money. here than throwing money at a problemnot to mention emasculating the she admitted wasnt good. I asked her how she could consider herself an

teachers and thus preventing any deviation from the status quo, which even educational leader when she was in fact acting more like a well-oiled gear in a machineone that was rolling over people, even if for perfectly logical reasons. When she asked me rather icily to leave I slammed the door on my a two-car whirlwind about twenty minutes later, having been told I was on way out, maybe a little too hardso the cops pulled up to the foundation in a rampage and had cracked a window. I knew every cop in Taos, naturally,

and except for one of Roger Bradleys tae kwon do students whod seen me with a certain amount of suspicion. Not patriotic enough or something.

take him on that day and later became a deputy sheriff, I guess I was viewed Maybe thats why they decided to make a big deal out of it. Anyway, they were in a huff and demanded that I pay for the glass and apologize to the principal. I told them Id pay for the glass. Other than that, and a few pointed essays on my website on our

subservience to software that drew an angry editorial from the Albuquerque newspaperdown there theyre all in awe of the computer chip in all its miniscule gloryeverything else seemed to be at least holding together.

Then Billy Bear came into my office and asked me if I could meet with

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him and the other elders. We got into his car, a shiny new Buick, and drove to the Taos offices in town. It seemed like the three men waiting there avoided looking at me

when we walked in, and I knew something was amiss. Billy and I sat down offered me the job. Gray Wolf, wearing his cowboy hat as usual, began.

at the table, the same table Id sat at with Billy and the elders when they first Thank you for coming, Ben. I dont see you enough no more. I remember

the rabbit at your barbecue. Tell your friend Jack he grills up the best rabbit since my own mother, rest her soul. No, you tell im it was bettern that. He stopped talking, and the room was silent for a time.

few months.

Ben, Billy finally said, weve been talking among the elders these last About what?

About the future of the foundation. The old-timer, Red Deer, chimed in. You done a real good job, too. me out.

That was a relief. I thought they were making noises like they wanted Thanks. Im doing my best.

put his hat back on. Silence.

Silence. Gray Wolf took off his hat, wiped his forehead on his sleeve, and

birth to the foundation; you helped it through its infancy. Its ready to stand on its own feet now. I tried to read meaning from his face but couldnt. What does that mean, Billy?

So, Billy finally said, we think were ready for a change. You helped give

youll always be a part of us, but now is the time for the Taos. I couldnt believe what I was hearing.

Ben, Gray Wolf said. Its time for the Taos to step up. You helped us and

when no one spoke, I knew I hadnt.

You want me to stand down? I asked, hoping Id misunderstood. But

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with the cops.

The cops, I said. Its because you think Im getting us in trouble The two older men laughed.

Shit, Indians been in trouble with the cops since day one! Red Deer said. the sun come up today. That dont have nothing to do with it. Okay, youre getting a little loud. The school principal thing, them website articles, the health department So the fuzz was over to the Taos, Gray Wolf added. Thats like saying

health department for preparing food for us without a license, even though

God, Id almost forgotten about that. Jack was being harassed by the

hed been cooking for ten yearswithout incident, one might addand had to do it. But that didnt matter; what mattered was the piece of paperthe hoop he was obligated to jump through. Its like the anthropologist Hall says: we try so hard to be so rational about everythingto create order in the hospital to give them their sleeping pills.

made arrangements with his employers restaurant to use its licensed kitchen

that we become irrational. His famous example is nurses waking up patients So naturally I jumped inthey were actually threatening to toss

Jack in jail if he didnt cease and desist. Jack didnt want to cease and desist. He wanted to take care of his friends in the best way he knew how. I ended up making a big stir down in Santa Fe at the health department, the state we werent what youd call friendsand exacted a promise from him to grandfather clause, and the whole thing blew over. But the Taos never forget.

senate, even barged into the governors officeI knew the guy well, though look into it. That was six months ago, Jack was given a license under the

that all the time, especially lately. Its just frustration. The deeper we look

Look, I know I get a little overenthusiastic sometimes. Meelahnee tells me

into that culture out there, the more it seems to me to undermine the human heart. I admit, it drives me crazy sometimes. But Ill tone it down, okay? Billy Bear spoke.

We wouldnt ask you to do that. Besides, thats not our main concern. As

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Gray Wolf said, its time we stood the foundation on its own feet. Put a Taos at the helm. The fact that your enthusiasm is flowing strongly just provides a good time for us to act. We want to grow, and at the same time we dont want to hold you back. The two things go together. The timing is right. minds.

He said it with a finality that made me certain they had made up their The school! I said. What about Meelahnees school? The school goes on as usual. No change. Silence. When, then? How long do I have?

finished, thats the time.

We dont have no schedule, Gray Wolf said quietly. When youre

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Chapter 61 I dragged myself home after a tequila stopover on the way, my once

useful heart feeling more like a cold burnt-out hunk of wood on a fireplace grate. Lahnee was in the kitchen and as soon as I walked in, she dropped what she was doing and came to me. Whats wrong?

I looked into her tired, worried eyes.

I said sarcastically, as if trying to joke about something that was no joking matter. Have you been drinking? Me?

If the worlds going to end in a couple billion years, what does it matter?

me on the sofa.

She embraced me fiercely, then pulled me into the living room and sat with Talk to me, she said softly, holding one of my hands with both of hers. Im unemployed, I replied. I felt her grip tighten. She seemed to be searching my face for something

and I looked away. She didnt say anything. Bless that girl, she was letting me take my own sweet time. Sleeping. Wheres Tahnee? I asked. Id like a drink.

She got up wordlessly and headed to the kitchen. Scotchon ice, I called to her. I could hear her putting it together: the cabinet opening and closing,

the fridge, the ice cubes clinking in the glassshe was my reluctant coconspirator yet had no complaint. Coming back to the sofa, she handed

me the glass and sat down. It was a generous portionshe wasnt going to quibble over the amount when there was more serious business at hand. I took a sip. She waited. Youre a good woman, Meelahnee.

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Its because of you.

You dont need to say that for my benefit. I told you that.

Im not. I was in teenage Indian hell. You gave me a reason to be good. I looked at my wife. Though exhausted from her workshe was not only

teaching and supervising staff at the school, but was working out the

conceptual plan for the elementary school and writing a curriculum for painting when she was fourteen years old.

itI thought she looked every bit as beautiful as when I saw her in Bobs Itll be okay, I said with as much bravado as I could muster in order to

reassure her. It was easyI was drunk. Ill be okay. The tribe thinks its the important thing. And Ive always got my website to work on. gesture. I didnt fool her a bit.

time for them to take over, thats all. The message will still go outthats Lahnee leaned against me and put her arm around my neck in a comforting Anyway, I continued, taking a long sip of my drink, what the hell. Its

been three years. Its been a good ride. And itll give me a chance to try something new. Whatever you do is fine with me. You know that.

around Lahnee, I gave her a good squeeze. She gave it right back. She melted in my arms. No, I love yours.

I finished the scotch and set the glass on the side table. Putting my arms Ya know something? I said to her. I love your fuckin ass, honey.

my job, and the following Saturday afternoon he rolled up to our house in

Unlike Lahnee, Drew got all bent three ways when I told him I lost

Taos in his new set of wheels. I was on the porch, Tahnee asleep in my arms. sleek silver sports car.

What the hells that? I asked as he crawled with some difficulty out of a McLaren. Worlds fastest production car. I thought the new Ferrari was.

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Eats em for breakfast. Mind if I crash out for a while? I drove all night. a corner somewhere, though.

She was here first, I said jokingly, referring to Tahnee. We might find you Hows about a whisky tall?

on the couch and bring it right in. Room service style.

As you wish, sahib, I said. Go on in the back bedroom. Ill put this critter He was up a couple of hours later. Lahnee had come back, and the two of us

were playing with Tahnee on the living room floor when Drew came in and plopped onto the recliner. So. They finally kicked your butt out the door, did they? Drew, Lahnee objected with uncharacteristic severity. Sorry, Lahn. Just saying what it is, thats all. world-famous blog is still a going concern.

Well, I did get the boot, I said. But alls not lost. My website with its Why dont you come to L.A. and work with me? Standing offer.

Lahnee didnt like thatyou could see it right away. She picked up Tahnee. Jack; maybe they can come, too.

How about some venison steaks, you guys? she asked. Ill call Sarah and Without waiting for an answer, she left the room. Drew looked at me. Shes not as fond of me as she used to be. Dont worry about Lahnee. She thinks youre brilliant. Misguided is all. Drew laughed. You tell me.

She said you could do so much for your people, if only you had people.

Thats a good one. Yeah, come to think of itwho are my people? I really dont know. Maybe youre my people, Ben. You and Lahnee, and I got up from the floor rubbing my knees and sat on the sofa. So why dont you come back? I asked him. report. Im the scout, remember? Im seeing whats out there, then I turn up and I already know whats out there.

Jack and Sarah. Thats my tribe. And little Tahnee.

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I dont think you do. You hardly go outside your little tribe. from the prairie to the dang mountaintops. Ill give you the rantin part. Bring it to papa, Ben.

Thats where youre wrong. Im all over the state, rantin and ravin

Now youre putting me in the mood for some ass-kicking. As usual, he liked to think he was the strong one. Like a big brother. I

wondered if he were secretly glad I got canned, just so he could offer to bail me out. God, why does living out here make me think like this? I changed the subject. So hows L.A.?

Still kicking. Miss it?

Like a boil on the neck.

He reached for a cushion and threw it at me. I dodged it nicely. Say, Ben. Theres something I meant to tell you. What? Its kinda weird, really.

He leaned forward as if to see if Lahnee was within earshot, then continued. down in Orange County, and she was in the hotel bar. She was plenty goodlooking so I sat next to her. Dont tell me she turned out to be a hooker. He seemed embarrassed. Well, I didnt think so at first. She seemed like walking innocence but I met this woman about three weeks ago. I was at a game convention

I started to see that there was something a little too smooth about her. a few drinks I invited her to come to my room. Did she ask for money?

Anyway, she was incredibly beautiful, if a bit on the mature side, and after

But once we got to the room she wanted two hundred bucks. You know

See, I wasnt sure about her because she didnt mention it or anything.

meIve never paid for it in my lifeso I tried to get rid of her but she was

persuasive as hell. I dont know how she did it but she completely turned me

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around.

Were you drunk?

would give me the best ride of my life, but something so much more than that, over the years, I wondered if there was anything more. He stopped, as if he were recollecting. And was there?

Not that drunk. But she filled my head with all these ideashow she

and she really got my curiosity up. I mean, after all the pretenders Ive been with

a measly two hours, too! See, after the fireworks and all, and I mean there into this caressing mode, and whispering things to me like weve been

Mucho, seor. She spoiled me for other women, no question about it. In

were fireworksgod, she was good, again and againshe goes even deeper together for years. Id never felt that with a woman. That kind of...intimacy.

Am I embarrassing you, kid? Im embarrassing myself. But Im telling you,

she really did a number on me. So anyway, were talking all cozy-like about being from this community, how it was supposedly like the Elysian Fields come back. She wouldnt stop talking about it. What community? Someplace in Montana, she said.

our past and stuff, you know, like a coupla kids, and she was going on about

I almost fell off the sofa, if such a thing were possible. Do you think it was Albemarle? No, it couldnt be. She didnt say. Whatd she look like?

Blonde, about five-seven, beautiful, like I said. Big eyes, plush lips Jesus, it sounds like Camille! Thats what I thought. From what you told me about her, its like a perfect

matchher looks, her savoir faire in the bedroom, her passion for that communityor it could just be a big coincidence. Wheres this hotel again? In Anaheim. Near the Convention Center.

I stood up, looked at him a moment, then went into the kitchen. Tahnee was

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sitting on the table with her legs dangling, while Lahnee was at the counter putting the steaks in a marinade. Whats up? she asked.

Tomorrow Drew and I are going to L.A.

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Chapter 62 I hit my head climbing into the damned McLaren. I looked around.

Its hi-tech interior was unexpectedly austere, while the Lamborghini had

been luxuriously ornate. In the Lambo youd sink buttock-deep in the kid g-forces hit youwhile in the McLaren I was strapping myself into stiff racing buckets and finding myself in a tight cocoon of carbon fiber and cold brushed aluminum. Drew started it up and I was startled to feel the the seat into my spine.

leather seats, feeling fairly comfortableat least til the ride started and the

convulsive vibration of the reckless piston movement coming right through How much did this thing set you back? I asked over the din. You dont want to know. Youre right; I dont.

seconds, and he leveled off around one-twenty. There wasnt any traffic sixty or seventy most of the way south.

He took it easy in town, but once on the highway it was 0-100 in about five

early Sunday morning, but the wicked curves in the road kept him down to Dont worry, he said, pushing the tires to their limit of grip and nearly

causing me cardiac arrest in the process, the dealer has a three-day driving course for this car. I got an A. Its nice to be riding with an honor student, I said dryly.

let you drive a little.

Anyway, once we get on the Interstate, its a straight shot west. Might even How fast will it go?

The factory claims two hundred. How fast have you had it? Two hundred.

multi-band radar detector zealously sweeping the road in front of us, I

Later, as we approached the speed of light on the Interstate, Drews

settled into a heightened sense of excitement and hoped the New Mexico wildlife would give us a wide berth. Yet hardly twenty minutes later he

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pulled into a rest area and turned off the throbbing engine. Whats up? I lied to you.

About what?

they stopped making them about ten years ago. This is the McLaren 12-C. A third the price and only half of the cachet. What are you talking about?

This isnt the worlds fastest production car. The McLaren F-1 was, but

Besides, its only the fourth or fifth fastest, though it does eat Ferraris. I looked at him dumbly. I could care less if it was the fastest or the

fifth fastest. Every punch of the accelerator slammed my head back and was more curious about his reason for talking about it. So why did you tell me its the fastest? To impress you. I laughed.

pushed my stomach up my esophagus about two feet. It was fast enough. I

Tell me youre kidding. He didnt answer. Hey, I said, you dont need to impress me. Im already impressed. I could see pain in his face, a look most un-Drewlike. Look, he said, you do all this good stuff, and hardly keep any of the

money they give you. They boot you out and youre still going to do it; am I right? Then theres Sarah. Shes working for a tenth of what she could make in L.A. I told her Id help her get set up out there and she said shes needed that? Even Jacks doing his bit. He puts his whole soul into his food and look what Im doing. in Taos. Some old lady paid her once with a damn chicken. You know about what does he expect in return? Other peoples health and happiness. Then Drew never talked like this. If hed ever had moments of doubt, he

hid them nicely. The big brother didnt dare show weakness.

building something, which for some reason we havent been able to do yet.

Youre so full of it, Drew. Youre the envy of all of us. Youre actually

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Weve been out of high school for how many years now, and what do we have to show for it? So what do I have?

You live in a world of your own making while the rest of us are still out

This, for one thing, I replied, slapping the dashboard of the McLaren.

there scratching, relying on other people to help make things happen. Youre hardly past thirty, for gods sake, and youve got your destiny in your hand. Were still running around begging. All three of us. I knew but one of confusion, loss for words.

He was silent but it wasnt the deep, thoughtful silence of the Taos people Ill tell you what Im going to do, Drew, and listen carefully so itll sink

in. When you die Im going to have you buried in this car, with a stack of beside you.

all your best games and the bangles and trappings of your starlets in the seat In a couple of thousand years when some godless, spiritless race digs you

up theyll say, Behold this minor pharaoh, riding in his magnificent chariot. Thus did men live when the achievement of their own hands and not privileged birth allowed them to live and die like kings. wouldnt see.

Drews eyes grew wet and he turned to look out his window so I

society that society decreed it be strewn with limitless rewards. And yet I games pay, compassion cries in the corner. Entertainment rides higher on

I did envy him. I envied people who could choose a path so valued by

wished from the depths of my being that such a thing werent so. Computer the scale than heart. And whats our criterion for such exaltation? Selling a product! Sell the most, ride the highest! It was a travesty. It was a goddam I loved my friend and thats the quandary I was in. travesty. Thats our culture, from top to bottom. This place is killing me! But

was anticlimactic to the steady thrum and whizz of high-speed transport on

Driving into the descending sun on a congested Los Angeles freeway

the open road. We both needed a drink when we finally got to Drews place,

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and shared it with the two aspiring actresses who were apparently living there with him at the time. Thanks to Drews clever maneuvering after a late supper, we were

soon paired offand not more than ten minutes later he took his buxom on the agenda.

companion to his room, where a stroll through the halls of bliss was surely I turned to my counterpart sitting next to me on the sofa. She looked at I miss my daughter already, I said, and she looked relieved. Aw, thats sweet. Whats her name? Meetahnee. Taos.

me sheepishly. Just a kid!

Metonny. Thats a cute name. What nationality is it? Wheres that, Asia? New Mexico. There was an awkward silence and I stood up. Ill get you a blanket. Thanks.

Well, Im going to wash up and crash on the couch in the den.

woman in the bar was her? I didnt know what Id do if I found her here

Later, as I lay awake in the dark, I thought about Camille. What if the

but one thing I was certain ofshe and I were bound together and Id cut happen. Mark my words hereno way was I going to let that happen.

that tie at our peril. Blood would surely flow. But I wasnt going to let that

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Chapter 63 The next morning, everyone was out by eight and I spent most of the

day at the PC, putting a weeks worth of calamitous thoughts on the website. I even wrote a short piece called Modern-day Pharaohs, combining what I told Drew yesterday with what Lahnee had said about how unfortunate talent for the good of his people. Imagine if all the American pharaohs turned their talents to the common good! it was that henot to be named, of coursewasnt using his considerable

as malamutes. It wasnt an easy life, the entertainment business. Trying to make people forget their existence was damned hard work. We ate some beef curry on rice that Drew picked up from a takeout on the way home,

The troops straggled back one by one around six oclock or so, tired

and I borrowed one of the girls cars and headed for Anaheim. I knew the chances of finding Drews hooker were slim, and for her to turn out to be Camille even slimmer. But if it WAS Camille and she were coping with life outside Albemarle in even worse fashion than I seemed to be right now, I had to step in. She did a lot for me when I was growing up and I owed her

plenty. And like I said, no blood was going to be shednot mine, not hers.

for the lounge. The dcor inside was mid-market faux-elegance, the clientele a handful of salesman-looking types. A couple of women were drinking River. girly-drinks in a booth. All that was missing was a piano player and Moon I went to the bar but didnt sit. When the bartender came over, I asked him

I found the hotel in question and, after parking the car, went straight

if hed seen a woman of Camilles description. I even put a twenty on the bar, like they do in the movies. He must have thought I was a jerk. Nevertheless, he took the money and directed me to the Holiday Inn down the road. In ten minutes I was standing in the lounge doorway looking across the room at a

somewhat worn-looking but still strikingly beautiful Camille. So it WAS her! I dont know why I was surprised, but I was. She was sitting at the bar with a drink in her hand, and there was something about the way her head tilted

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slightly forward at the neck that made me think she was unhappy.

and walk out. It would spare her a lot of embarrassment. But there was more than embarrassment at stake here and I couldnt let it go. She needed me, whether she would admit it or not.

I hesitated. She hadnt seen me yetit wasnt too late to turn around

must have sensed it was me because she put her drink down with a tremor and color came to her cheek. How did you find me? she said. Thats not important, is it. She turned to me and I saw so many emotions in her eyes that I didnt I suppose you came to rescue me. Should I have?

I walked over and stood next to her. She didnt look right away but she

know which one took precedence: pain, relief, defiance, maybe even fear.

Lets go, she said, standing up. You dont belong here.

purposeful steps toward the same hulking Mercedes she had the last time I saw her. I walked at her side. Well go to my place. Its not too far from here. You okay to drive? I asked. Im always okay. Get in.

She put a bill from her handbag on the bar and we left. She walked with

seats where our indiscretion of years back had taken place. I looked at her and wondered if she was thinking of that, too.

She opened the car with a chirp and we were soon sitting in the same

trees and colored floodlights. She parked the car and we walked through an archway into a sizable courtyard with the obligatory swimming pool. In a moment we were at her door and inside. Turning on the light, she swiveled quickly and embraced me. It

In ten minutes we arrived at a California-style singles complex, all palm

was a familial hug, bereft of passion but not without warmth. If anything loneliness, or the simple joy of seeing me.

it was almost too warm, and I didnt know whether it was out of gratitude,

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She pulled back and touched my face.

Youre the only one who really knows me. If that hurt her, she didnt let on. Sit down. Ill get us a drink.

And yet I dont know you anymore, do I, I replied.

sofa. In a moment she was back with a couple of whiskies.

She switched on a table lamp and I sat on a newish-looking black leather I thought you might like yours straight, she said, sitting herself and not Dont try to be cute, Camille. I dont really know who you are anymore.

hesitating to knock back a hefty gulp. Now, what were you saying?

Is it the determined mentor who taught me about people and how to get them to stop fighting, or is it the manipulative bitch Stef described in his book? Or a conniver whos been conspiring with John Malik all along? Tell me. Which is the real you? I took a big drink of whisky, as if to soften her answer. Maybe its all of them.

that made me think she dreaded my response. Which she should have.

She said it without shame, although there was a girlishness in her voice Jesus, Camille! He killed my mother, you know. And probably Stef.

you and Stef escape.

It wasnt him. He was just the advance man. And dont forget that he let Then who did it?

outfit; you know, the one working for the Bush administration that got in all that trouble in Iraq.

I dont know. John says the Bureau was involved with some paramilitary

Chump. The fucking Chump. What were you hanging around him for, anyway? She almost seemed to cringe.

God! And its John now, is it? Do you know what Stef called him? The

I told you years agowe had an arrangement, remember? Why? Refresh my memory. The government had Albemarle in its sights. You know that, dont you?

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The so-called cult that was going to bring embarrassment to this country if it wasnt dealt with. Complete with its own Islamic Center! I knew something was up and I thought I could get him to tell me what it told me was that Id better plan for the future.

wasso we knew what to expect. Okay, so maybe I played along. But all he He must have told you about the fire, I said, beating a dead horse but No! I swear I knew nothing about it. He only said something was going I took another drink, draining my glass. He had you rescued, right? Why? like intimations. I told you. Id made some promises to him. Not promises, really. More What kind of intimations? Dont be unkind. So he saved you for sex.

not knowing how else I was going to get at the truth. to happen. An intervention, he called it.

men, Ben dear, sex is always a fellow-traveler. And you obliged him?

If you have to put it bluntly. And dont look so surprised. In the minds of

I strung him along to keep the idea of the temple alive.

The temple! Its always been the temple with you. So what could he do? markers, too. I made him introduce me to some men of means. I was calling in my The investors? Malik set you up with them?

He introduced us. Getting their money was my job.

Albemarle? The last time I talked to you, you were going to re-create Albemarle. The moneys gone.

Dont tell me how, please. So wheres the temple now? Wheres the new

Gone? What are you talking about? it all.

I invested it. Every cent. Made a bundle, too, til the recession hit. I lost

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Jesus. So now youre hooking?

back. Not that moneyits long gonebut I can find new investors. Give me another drink, would you? Youre upset.

If I can build up enough, I can put on a good front and get the money

build a beautiful dream, a dream we were going to share with the world so everybody could be as lucky as we wereand now youre out peddling against the wall crying.

Of course Im upset. Arent you? When I was just a kid you helped me

your ass at the Holiday Inn. I dont know why youre not beating your fists Im just doing what needs to be done.

her intently.

She took my glass and, with hers, brought them back refilled. I looked at Dammit, I love you, Camille. You know that, dont you? She looked surprised, then touched. I love you, too, Ben. Were refugees from Albemarle, you and me. Were Thats why I cant let anything happen to you. She smiled weakly. So this IS a rescue mission.

about all thats left.

something legitimate.

Call it what you like. Just tell me how I can get you off the game and into This is legitimate.

doing. Even now you have no idea what the temple was all about. When the Advocate set it up, it was supposed to be a place for spiritual rejuvenation. Reconnection with the great wheel of life. In your mind it was just a to worship.

This is bullshit! Im disappointed that you still dont know what youre

whorehouse, except that the whores were goddesses who men should come A goddess is the true role for a woman, dont you see?

idea was to share oneself with another person. The fact that youre selling

As long as the man is a god and they come together as equals. The whole

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yourself shows you dont have a clue what it was all about. It seems like to you, hooking is just the temple one step removed. Thats a fucking sacrilege.

like this. She was probably accustomed to men genuflecting at her feet. Who wouldnt, once they came under her allure? In a profane way, she truly was a goddess.

She didnt answer, maybe because she wasnt used to being talked to

your supplicants prostrate themselves before you. Was that the purpose of the temple, Camille? To aggrandize yourself? Nobody at Albemarle understood the temple but me.

Its just plain arrogance, I said. You ascend to some height just because

The swain and maidens werent gods and goddesses but just people who when they couldnt on their own. It was that, nothing more. That cheapens it. That elevates it. You cheapen it.

No, youve got it backwards. Everybody understood the temple but you.

took a sacred pledge to give themselves, to help others make a connection

more like slice and dice, eh, Ben? If I lost her tonight, I might lose her forever.

My remark cut her deeply; I could see it on her face. Some rescue mission

it a different way. You think of a woman as a goddess whos somehow above the men who approach her. You think there must be some tribute involved, some ritual payment. Im just saying that if were talking about real love herecaritaswhich is what the temple was all about, Camillethe two

Im sorry, I said. I dont mean to hurt you. I just want you to try to see

parties are spiritually identical. There ought to be a merging of souls, even if

for only a short timebut enough to communicate the knowledge that were

not alone. If theres not that merging, its the job of the temple to make it so. at odds with one anotherand the world as well! And one earnest plea from me was hardly going to change that.

We sipped our drinks. This was painful, two waifs from the same homeland

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as we could make itand I stopped drinking in hopes of sobering up enough to drive. Around midnight I stood up to go. She got up and I embraced her. suggestion in her voice.

As a way to lighten our burden, we drifted into small talkor as small

Why dont you stay here tonight? she asked with more than a tinge of Id already thought of that. Her sultry beauty, her commanding presence,

even just the smell of her, were almost overpowering. I looked her straight in the eye.

Meelahnee and Im going to honor it. She smiled.

Id like thatmaybe more than I care to admit. But I made a compact with

Youre something else, Ben. You really are. Ill drive you to your car. No, you wont. Youll call me a cab. of eroticism. I didnt let her linger. Then she leaned up and kissed me on the lips, longingly but without a trace Are you going to keep in touch? I asked. You want to see if Ill change. I dont want anything from you. Id like us to keep in touch. Can I call you? she asked, almost tentatively. Anytime. Your wife must be a saint.

Were all saints, Camille. Inside.

Teach me how to be like that, Ben. Would you?

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Chapter 64 I took the bus back to Santa Fe. It lacked the thrill of the ride over

but I didnt mind. Thrills werent all that conducive to reflection, even though Drew asked mewho reflects nowadays? Must be a Martian recently hadnt been very high in the jubilation department anyway. concept. No, its a joke. Well, it didnt matter, since all my reflections

Meelahnee had sent somebody in an old van to the station to drive me back up to Taos. I hugged my family something fierce when I got home, and all over the living room floor. I wish she could stay three forever. kissed and tickled my little Tahnee til she was a screaming giggler writhing I held Lahnees hand that night while we were talking and listening to

music, and later in bed she gave me the most tender back rub to knead away Afterward, I fondled her ear lobe until she fell asleep.

the aches of a long day and night on the bus. That was lovemaking supreme.

The next day, I got a call from Ron. He didnt beat around the bush. I hear youre out of a job. Howd you know that? got a page.

You got a footnote in Newsweek. Another couple of years, you couldve Yeah, thats my aspiration. A page in Newsweek. You doing okay? Okay has a lot of meanings, Ron. Yes, Im doing okay.

run it.

You create a smooth-running machine, almost anybody can walk in and I doubt it was that. But give the Taos creditthey put their money where

their collective mouths were and gave us all a run. And when they got their pluck, they stepped up. I admire them for that. No hard feelings?

up and have a look around. But I guess I really cant blame them. I was

Im still picking myself up off the floor. Ill know better when I can stand

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getting into a pretty touchy areaand we got our share of hate mail for that. Plus, I was probably letting my emotions get the better of me sometimes. Maybe things were getting too hot. On the other hand, getting the boot hurt doesnt seem right.

my pride a little. I gave em three good years and the ax falls just like that. It I suppose it comes down to whose baby is it, yours or theirs.

so, I guess.

I thought it was mine but apparently they had other ideas. And rightly Well, they know who holds the purse strings.

not whos got the money but whats best for the tribe? Ah, the noble savage.

Thats what I thought at first, but they really dont operate that way. Its

know it.

Cmon, Ron. Theyre a damn sight less savage than we are and I think you To you Ill admit it but to my constituents, not a word, please. Anyway, this Im not going to Washington.

whole conversations academic because Ive got a new job for you.

your writing.

Dont worry, the jobll be out there in Taos. Half-time, so it wont cut into I really dont know what Ron saw in me. He might think Im good for the

occasional publicity, but lets face it, I was a potential liability when I started speaking my mindwhich was more or less all of the time.

So what do I have to do? Theres no selling of the soul involved, is there?

in Taos, channel some funds to the tribe, act as their information conduit to here in the Senate. And if it works outand youre interestedwe could do you think?

No, that part has already been done. I want you to open up an office for me

Washington, that kind of thinga general liaison between the tribe and me open up offices all over the state. Therere nineteen pueblos, you know. What I think youre thinking that if you could solidify the Indian vote in your

camp, you could be a major chief out there for a long, long time.

Call it enlightened self-interest. I get what I want by helping them. Just like

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we did a couple years ago, remember? This isnt just a PR operation, Ben. how to use it. For the tribes benefit and mine. Whats this position called, Ron? Starting when? Right away.

Federal funding has to go somewhere, and I want you to help me figure out

Senate liaison officer. Same salary as a staffer, pro rata.

Ill have to think about it. my aide?

For sure. Look, Ill send someone to brief you. Remember Chuck, Charles Evans. Yale Law.

care of some business for me. Ill have him run on up to see you, maybe the day after tomorrow. How does that sound? anything. Well throw ol Chuck a barbecue or something. Tell im not to eat Good. Ill be talking to you.

Good memory. Hell be out there in Santa Fe for a couple days taking

over a spread for lunch and join us while he was at it. He accepted without the least deliberation.

That day Lahnee would be at work, so I called Jack and asked him to bring

wearier and more perfunctory handshake than I remembered from the last time we met. And he still had the most manicured fingernails!

Two days later Chuck rolled up in a new Cadillac and gave me a somewhat

Chuck?

So, Chuck. How about a drink after your drive? Do you mind if I call you

certain position before call me Chuck starts working for you. And yes, I believe Ill have that drink. Scotch okay?

No, I prefer it. Back east its Charles, and you have to have reached a

Please be generous. What do guys usually drink out here?

states population Spanish-speaking. Ive got some pre-mix, so Im going to

You name it. Tequilas pretty big, though, with twenty-nine percent of the

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throw together a margarita for myself right now. of things.

Make one for me, then, would you? Might as well get into the swing I went into the kitchen.

See any burros on the way up from Santa Fe? I called to him.

along the road just outside of town. Youre lucky, having animal life all around. Like a latter-day Arcadia. I laughed.

No, but I did see a coyote. That was a surprise. And a couple of deer

We call it the real world, Chuck. living room.

I finished the drinkseven salted the glassesand took them into the Here we make em in tumblers. With a margarita glass, two sips and I handed him a frosted glass and he held it up. Cheers. Right back at ya.

youre done.

but I asked him to wait til Jack arrived. Jack was into his food, but not to

He took a drink and wanted to start right in on the job description,

the exclusion of all else. I thought he might appreciate looking through this

small window to the East Coast a bit. By the time we were halfway through block.

our tumblers, he drove up. You could hear him coming all the way down the Hey vato, whats up? I said as he bounded up the porch steps with his You know, this and that, he replied, then looked at Chuck. Jack Nuez, he said. Charles Evans, from Washington, Chuck replied, holding out his hand Take this, would ya? Jack said to me, handing me a bag and shaking Youve come a long way, Charles. Been out this way before?

comestibles in two large brown bags.

automatically, though both of Jacks were full. Chucks hand.

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A couple times. Mostly Santa Fe.

I hope you guys are hungry. Lets eat. What are you drinking, there, Ben? Are those margaritas? Not made from that bottled stuff, are they? plates and he loaded them with savory homemade fare. You like tamales, Charles? he asked. Jack stifled a laugh. Ive never tried them. Ive had tacos, though.

Thats where Im from. A little rancho outside of there, actually. Well,

Jack went into the kitchen to set up and we followed him in. I put out the

wicked salsadont worry, I kept it mild for ya. Got any sour cream, Ben? disapproving sigh for my benefitand sat down with us at the table. Tahnee, Ben?

Thisll be a treat, then. And we got rice, we got beans; I whipped up some He laid everything out, made himself a quick margaritanot without a Its not the Ritz, he said to Chuck, but we like it. Hows that little We ate and drank our fillChuck was duly impressed with the fixings and Where ya going, Jack? I said. Stick around for a while. Sure. No problem. Chuck waited til he sat down, then began.

said so repeatedlyand we retired to the living room to talk business.

here. You might even be able to dovetail it with what you were doing before. The salarys probably a lot less, though, it being a part-time position. But Rons structuring it so you get medical and dental for you and your family office, equipment, supplies, phone, all paid for. Oh, and you get a car. Jack looked at me and smiled. I dont need a car, Chuck, I said; Taos is a small town.

So, like I started to say earlier, Ron wants to get a bigger ball rolling back

and ten grand in discretionary funds above and beyond salary. Of course the

elsein keeping with your position. As befitting someone associated with the United States Senate. I guess a bike doesnt cut it.

That may be so. But we want you to have transportationand anything

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I think not. Anyway, what would you do in winter? What do I do in winter, Jack? Same as usualbike it, walk it. Cab it. ago? The first time we met? The big black one.

Look, Ben. Remember that Lexus I picked you up in a couple years

Santa Fe office, the Lexus has been sitting in a garage collecting dust. We credit card for gas and so on.

Yes. Well, its four years old now and since we got the new car for the

might as well put it to some use. All expenses paid, of course. Youll have a Frankly speaking, Chuck, I dont think itll make for a good photo op,

me cruising up to the pueblo in a Lexus and talking about extending a heartfelt hand to the Indians. Jack laughed, though trying to do it politely.

not with an sh but a ch. Jack.

If anything, give im a Chevy, man. For effect, he pronounced Chevy

Sorry. Its true, though. You know its true.

dont want it and thats really not negotiable. What Im more interested in is something I want Ron to do for me. If he does, Im in. If he doesntwell, lets just hope he does.

Chuck, listen. Lets not get hung up on whether or not I need a car. I

a critical negotiation pointforget the car, lets get to the meat here. And No doubt everyone in the office knew it, too. There was no way he was going to slink back to Washington empty-handed. So what sort of thing did you have in mind?

Chuck was intrigued. Im sure the lawyer in him relished the challenge of

make no mistakeRon expected him to conclude this meeting successfully.

now I just want to know if hes amenable. Okay, heres the thing: I want him to launch a Senate investigation into the activities of Blackwater Security. The government subcontractor?

Tell Ron that Ill sit down with him about the nuts and bolts later. Right

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The same.

Oh, he wont go for that. Thats a big can of worms.

how people were fed up with their shenanigans in Iraq and wanted them to face the music. That may be sopartly so, at any ratebut what possible interest could This is off the record for nowis that understood? Good. I happen to

And he can come out of it looking ten feet tall. Think of the PR. Look

you have in Blackwater?

have some information that they may have been involved in the fire in Montana that killed my mother. And possibly the murder of Stefan Lang as well. My motivation. But meanwhile, Ron can focus on Iraqif I dig up something more, all the better. If not, theres still the piper to pay for what has been done and what can be proven. source might be able to come up with specifics, given more time and

Ron with a condition like that.

Youre putting me out on a limb here, Ben. I cant possibly go back to Suit yourself. You think about it, and then you help Ron think about it.

Done right, it could start him on the road to the White Houseremind him of the publicity, Chuck. Not to mention what it could do for your career.

over. I knew what I wanted and wouldnt budge. Fifteen minutes of small to clean up the table.

Chuck was dumbfounded. It didnt matter; the negotiation was more or less

talk and he was on his way back to Santa Fe. I went in the kitchen with Jack You were workin him, werent you, he said to me. I hope not. But you dont think I have a reason to? you going toe to toe with one of the big boys. For sure you do. I didnt mean that. I just meant it was interesting to see Hes about as big as your little finger, Jack. But hes no pushoverbe

careful if you ever get on the bad side of guys like that. As polished as they might seem, theyre a lot like dogs. Tangle with em in their territory and the whole countrys their territory. they can deliver a hell of a bite. And when they work for the government,

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Chapter 65 So whatd he say? Meelahnee asked me when she got home from work. a car.

Its a half-time job here in Taos, like Ron said. And they even offered me Fat chance. She laughed.

Thats what I said. So what about the job? Does it sound good? It sounds okay. Gonna take it?

most about her. If I had a job or I didnt have a job, it didnt matter. When we were poor she had been happy, so there was no fear of going back. As long as I was me, which I most assuredly was, she was content. Drew once said that if we could find out what she had and bottle it, we could morning coffee and voil! Whats that?

There was no expectation in her voice. Thats one of the things I liked

make millionsthe hapless husband simply slips a few drops in the wifes I told him Id take the job on one condition. That he get Ron to open an investigation into the company that was What company? You always said it was the FBI.

responsible for the Albemarle fire.

out their dirtywork. in after her. shoulder.

Thats what Stef said, but I guess after Waco they decided to subcontract She went into the kitchen to make some tea. I picked up Tahnee and ambled You told me you gave up revenge a long time ago, she said over her I did. But I just got some new information that makes me think that these Including John Malik?

people can be brought to justice.

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Including John Malik.

So whered you get this information? Camille.

I didnt want to say but I wasnt going to lie to Meelahnee. She stopped for a moment, then continued her work. night?

Why are you doing this? Is it going to make you sleep any better at Come on, Lahn. If I really wanted revenge, I would have found the

guy and taken him down some. Or at least made him sweat. But you know thats not me. I dont want revenge; I just want justice. her down and she was off to find a toy. voice.

Tahnee was bored by all this and started squirming in my arms. I put What do you hope to accomplish? Lahnee asked, weariness in her Look, Lahn, I said, squaring off in front of her and holding her

with my eyes. Im worried, okay? Weve got these malignant forces in our government or just cozying up to ita dark medieval world of the selfrighteous, believing theyre protecting the security of America when in fact theyre just creating a Frankenstein. Just look at their methodssecrecy, collusion, murderthis is not Jeffersons America! She sighed.

condition.

You cant rid the world of evil, Ben. Its part of the human I know it is. I blame biology for that. Its the damned evolutionary

imperativesurvive, expand, dominateevery species does it. Plants do it, for chrissake. her? I could see traces of a wince. Why was I using such language with Then you know you cant change it.

with it. You acknowledge the bad in human nature and let it lie fallow while trying to encourage the good. If you get right down to it, that was really the

Only too well. But at Albemarle we had a simple way of dealing

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whole idea of the place. Always encouraging the good.

So what are you doing now with this investigation?

that in a just nation, transgressors of the law will be held accountableeven if theyre officially sponsored or presume to think theyre doing it for our benefit. If not, why have laws at all? Why not just live in the jungle?

Its the acknowledgementa public oneso that people can see

I heard her sigh. When we sat at the table to drink, her eyes were cool, distant.

She turned away and poured water from the kettle into two mugs for tea.

culture makes me hate myself. Or maybe I should say, I hate what this culture has made me. Either way, Im well and truly fucked.

Im sorry, honey, I said. Im sorry for who I am sometimes. This

with me or a stranger in my own house. I thought I knew herher every

She put her hand on mine but said nothing. I didnt know if she was

mood, her dreams, her desires; I knew every inch if her body, Id tasted her sweat, her tearsbut did I know her anymore? Did she know me? Would the weight of my presence so heavy to her that it would sever the bond there be a final straw so light as to be almost imperceptible that would make between us? And if so, did I dare put it to the test? A life without her would be barely endurable. I knew what that was likeand didnt want to walk down that road again, as it led nowhere.

people who will testifyyou and Camille. If youre right and theyre guilty me. And the weakest link is Meetahnee.

Ben, think about this. If theres an investigation, there are only two

of what you say they are, you two will be in danger. That chain also leads to Id realized that but forced myself not too think about it. Of course

that wasnt good enough and Meelahnee was reminding me of that. What if they decided to come down on us to ensure my silence? What was to

prevent a kidnapping, an accident? If murder was such an easy component of their game plan in the past, what compunction would they have to use it again to save their own skins? When a mind lives in the shadows, the repertoire of deeds is great. Nothing lies beyond the pale.

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Youre not answering me, she said.

battle between ideals and family. If I chose what I knew to be right, must I them from my own insanity from a culture thats driving me mad? Yet

How could I? This was no mere kitchen table disagreement but a

leave my loved ones for their own protection? And how else could I protect by societys standards, to leave them behind was unthinkable. Was there

any higher morality than family? To believe that meant to go against the

strongest force there isthe sheer weight of human history. Surely we must suspect a man for even contemplating it. For walking the walk correctly, every society lauds that proud exemplar: the family man. But what am I talking about? I could never leave Meelahnee. Ben? Huh?

Youre not answering me.

What do you want me to say? What if you dont like it?

Thats unfair. Say whats in your heart. Thats all Ive ever asked. She took her hand off mine.

land.

Lets say I woke up one morning and found myself in a strange That was sixteen years ago!

I dont know whats been happening to you, Ben.

behind you. Im a tribe of one. Im your tribe, too! Are you?

Maybe you got used to it. I never did. And youve got your tribe

I looked at her quizzically. Yes! she cried and flung her arms around me, spilling her tea in the

process. Her shoulders were shuddering and I embraced her violently. What an absolute fool I was. So she hadnt been trying to force my hand or back me into a corner but was simply trying to look out for me? For us? Maybe sometimes when youre with someone for a long time, you really do end

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up taking things for granted. Then you realize youve lost touch with them. around and say, Whatd I do? I thought everything was fine. for her and Lahnee had dressed in Taos colors.

Women walk out on men all the time for just that reasonthen the men turn Tahnee came back into the kitchen, carrying a kachina doll Id carved Whatsa matter, mommy, are you crying? Did daddy make you cry? I hoisted her up in my lap with one arm so I could still hold onto

Lahnee.

out when people talk. Its okay to do that. Daddy never wants to hurt much, and we always try to take care of each other. Do you love me so much, too?

No, Lahn said, trying to dry her tears; sometimes feelings come

mommy and mommy never wants to hurt daddy. We love each other so

Little Miss Sun when you come into the room, all warm and bright and Im like sunshine?

You, little girl, I said kissing her and smoothing her hair, are like

making us feel so happy. How can we not love you for being like that? Youre like the sun shining in our hearts every day. back to her doll. I looked at Lahn.

She leaned her head against my shoulder, then turned her attention Be patient with me, darling.

No, she said, still wiping her tears, be patient with me.

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Chapter 66 My plane to Washington was late because of rerouting around

massive thunderheads the pilot had reported rising to forty thousand feet. they must really be hell on wheels, cloud-wise. Thats a paraphrase.

The guy munching peanuts next to me said they usually fly through them so Ron knew I was coming but wasnt able to arrange for someone to

meet me. At least he could set aside an hour for a talk. After all, as he said,

it was business. I left the arrival area with a carry-on and stepped into the thick, stormy air. Rain pelted down in an unrelenting deluge. I caught a cab a heap. by way of a wind-driven broadside of water and settled into the back seat in Where to?

Senate Office Building.

that I hadnt actually said youth hostel or unemployment office. Dress the part, Lahnee had said before I left. Fuck em, I replied.

He scrutinized me through the rearview mirror, as if to satisfy himself

of traffic trying to subvert our progress. The grayness of it all was incredibly depressing. Not soon enough, we edged up to our destination and my benign-looking cabbie robbed me blind. Jesus god, for a bike and the infrastructure to support it!

The ride in was stop-and-start, the wipers going mad and all manner

conditioned atmosphere with a clenched jawI was soakedand made

I paid the fare and sped inside, the rain still heavy. I hit the air-

my way through security. Drawing more than my fair share of attention, I apology from the loyal foot soldier, either. A staffer was then called, and Chuck, looking dapper in his Brooks Brothers or whatever. preserve the hollow dignity of the occasion.

was subjected to a gruff pat-down and anarchical search of my bag, and no who should finally come wending his way down the hall toward me but ol Hello, Charles; is the Senator busy? I said in front of the guard to

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sure if I was mocking him or just attempting to approximate protocol. My mood being what it was, I didnt bother to explain. We walked for what seemed like half a mile and finally reached

Right this way, he replied, the look on his face indicating he wasnt

Rons office. Make that plural. And busy. People looked at the soggy rodent Chuck had dragged in and went back to their business. Sit down, Chuck said. Ill tell him youre here.

looked my way. Chuck knocked on a dark-stained wooden door, opened it a bit and stuck his head inside. He closed it again and returned. Hes on the phone. Sit tight. Hell be with you as soon as he can.

I sat with my bag at my feet and smiled a crooked smile at whoever

me into his office.

In about twenty minutes Ron was out shaking my hand and ushering Nice place, I said, looking over some of the spoils of victoryart, Its not Santa Fe, is it. Though I confess I miss that old place

antiques, gold-embossed books, a desk fit for three ordinary men.

sometimes. Times were simpler then. Black was black and white was white. Many of us wish we could go back to earlier times.

of things are easier nowgetting tickets or a table at a restaurantor cant coast. You have to have your wits about you every second. Eat or be eaten, is that it?

Oh, I wouldnt want to go back, dont misunderstand me. Lots

somebodys attentionbut its a whole lot more complicated, too. Ben. You

statement. here?

I wouldnt put it exactly like that, but theres some truth to that Do the folks in New Mexico know what youre up against out Havent a clue. I thought not. Better they see the storybook pictureMr Smith is somebody they

can identify with. Sit down, Benjamin; take a load off. Something to drink?

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Coffee? Scotch?

Scotch, if you dont mind.

Got some twelve-year-old single malt I think youll like. me one and I had a taste.

He opened an antique cabinet and poured out two glasses. He handed Good stuff, Ron. Thats sippin whisky.

that depends on keeping them happy back home.

One of the perks of office. No more crying poor mouth. Of course He seemed to muse for a moment. I waited til I thought he was

finishedI figured the job didnt give him much time to reflectbefore breaking in. So how about it, Senator? Are we going to put those miscreant

patriots behind bars or do we close our eyes and let em run free forever after? He took a sip of his drink and looked at me seriously.

What was he saying? Was Ron suddenly blind to the truth? be indicted posthumously via the Freedom of Information Act?

No can do, my friend. Its just not in the cards at this point. So what do you propose? Wait til theyre all dead and then let them Look, what youre suggesting involves stepping on the toes of some

very powerful people from past administrations who are still very much

around. Christ, after 9-11 there are very few clean hands, Ben. And it goes back even further. You know that. So you want the junior senator from the well? Because thats what itll amount to. poor state of New Mexico to take on not just the lackeys but their masters as You cant ask an elected official to be courageous because it would be

politically risky? If so, why was I doing it? Why would I ask Ron to stand up and be counted? Because he had something to lose and I didnt? Oh,

but I did. I had something more precious than he could imagine, sitting in a little two-bedroom house in Taos, waiting for me. Yes, I had plenty to lose. So why was I doing it? The scotch began to taste bitter in my mouth. That didnt stop me from drinking it, though.

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murderers. In Iraq for sure and god knows where elsemaybe even here at home. Youre just going to let that slide? Like 99.9% of the people in this country, yes. Yes, I am. When you

Come on, Ron; were talking about criminals here. Possibly

start crawling down to hell youre going to get burned. Im sure you can see that. Let evil have its own, then?

youve worked for, and for what? To put a few lowlifes in jail? Theyre

Hear no evil, see no evil. Otherwise you stand to lose everything

just like terroristsevery one you knock down, two more spring up. Good in this country has long had a contract with evildo it for the American way and do it quietly and well look the other way if we can. It goes back to the witch trials; it goes back to our dealings with the goddam Indians, sacrificed. for chrissake. When it comes to our way of life, no one is too good to be I dont like to hear you talk like this, Ron. Do you disagree? No. I just happen to think its a truth that can be changed. I grew up

in a different world, where virtue and not expediency was the name of the game. It sounds nave, but I saw it work. People took a stand and made it work. People just wont make that stand out here. Why not?

Ben, the gravy train. You think were going to let Indians or radicals or for us. Like I said, its just a matter of looking the other way. And you dont think thats a sickness?

Because weve got it too damned good, thats why. The gravy train,

Islamists or millenarians disturb that? They try, theyre toast. And its easy

system.

Im not a physician; its not my job to tinker with the health of the But youre a United States Senator!

You say that as if it means more than it does. My job is to legislate

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so that commerce proceeds in an orderly fashion. With at least the

appearance of fairness. Im not a doctor, Ben. Im a maintenance man. If

youre right and this country is sick, Im like the super in one of those old ask me to remodel the building. I wouldnt know where to start. Ive told you where to startbut youre not listening!

apartment buildingsMr Fix-it, but if people have trashed the place, dont

get unsettled for days. You make me think too much. But maybe I need that, or else why would I keep it up? So the investigation is definitely out.

My problem is, Im listening too well. Every time we get together, I

I thought I made that clear from the beginning. built up?

And you cant get anyone else interested? Get a little momentum No one with any credibility will touch it. Only your garden-variety

conspiracy theorists would be crazy enough to tackle it. Which is the last thing you want. public?

What if I do a little investigating myself? Get enough evidence to go At what risk to yourself? Not to mention putting your family in

jeopardy. Look, Ben, the only reason youre walking the streets freely

nowif what you say about these guys is trueis because all the noise the fact that youre painting your pictures in broad strokesthe state of

youre making, your website, your articles, is drawing zero attention. Plus society, our founding fathers, ethical principles, all that good stuff. Youre

waging a war of ideas, and thats safe for all involved because the best way people, start asking questions about specific peoples activities, you enter a different realm altogether. You start crawling around the underbelly of our of other peoples business and youll live long enough to document where we are and where we need to go. Thats your thing, after all, isnt it? You

to kill an idea is to ignore it. But if you start turning your attention to actual

society and youre only going to find trouble. My advice to you is to stay out

start messing with people who have something to hide and theyll find a way

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to get to you.

I finished my drink and was already craving another. You make it sound so ugly. Why should I sugarcoat it? This isnt high school history class

where were all wearing white hats and fighting to make the land safe for truth and justice. This country is rich and were all clawing for what we beginning. So while you might want to spend your life speculating how can get out of it. Even your precious Jefferson. Its been that way from the things might be, dont try to stand between somebody and what they think should be theirs. Or mess with the system that makes it possible! Stay a think weve earned another drink, dont you? philosopher, Ben. Dont try to be the white knight. Christ, what time is it? I

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Chapter 67 Back in Taos life was becoming untenable. I couldnt work with the

tribe, I wouldnt work with Ron, and I sure as hell wasnt going back to the carwash. Ive been without a job beforetwo years in L.A.but that was an adventure in disaster. God in bleakest heaven, the older I get, the less I feel theres a place for me. Im that orange piece of candy in the dish that

nobody wants. And on top of everything else, Marcs Vanity Fair article just to pet him and I got bit.

came outand none too complimentary, to say the least. I held out my hand Lahnee was invited to a weekend seminar to talk about her transposed

kohanga reo and how its working out, organized by a handful of other

pueblos around the state. I decided to use the time to call a powwow of my own in the form of our classic backyard barbecue. The fab four would be thereme, Jack, Sarah, and Drew. Just like the old days. Hey, Ben, whats this one supposed to mean?

with its beak on the neck of a man draped over a stone.

Drew was checking out my latest woodcarving in the firelight, an eagle Its art, I replied jokingly. Read into it whatever you want.

a curio shopand Sarah asked if I shouldnt put on a show. This is the show, I replied.

The backyard had enough carvings now to be classified as a museumor

The Shakespeare Gallery, Jack said, fiddling with the grill.

to frame the scene was about the best you could do; too bad I couldnt appreciate it. I poured another round of drinks.

Dinner on a picnic table under the stars with two Polynesian torches

might not really want to know. You sounded like death-by-numbers on the phone.

So whats this all about, Ben? Sarah asked almost neutrally, as if she

she sits on a settee back in Santa Monica, filing her nails and missin Memphis. Sarah put her arm around his shoulders.

Yeah, Drew added, I had to cancel a date with Miss Tennessee. There

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enough?

Poor little rich boy. Whats the matter, dont you find me gorgeous You, my dear, are without a doubt the best-looking doctor in Taos. Thats not saying much, is it. The conversation remained banal for a good while. It was as if

no one wanted to face why we were here. After all, life had been paying reasonable dividends the past year or so. Id been hard at work with the Taos; Sarah was gaining stature and confidence as a physician for the tribe; Drew, stationed at his western outpost, was reaping great rewards trading with the natives. All were in good health; no one as far as I know had a was Jack who decided to prick the bubble.

Jack had found a decent employer who actually paid him a living wage; and

broken heart. So why not eat, drink and enjoy a modicum of bliss? Finally, it Yo, tribe of the misunderstood. Or in your case, Drew, the misguided That got a laugh from all but Drew, but he was used to the mild flak we

directed his way from time to time.

what are we here for? I mean, the chorizo and stuff is good and all, but you acted like this was supposed to be a serious meeting or something. Care to let us in on whats going on?

Were gathered here, he continued, for we dont know what. Hey Ben,

and didnt know what would happen when it snapped.

I wasnt actually certain. All I knew is that I was at the end of my tether Its nice to have friends around, I began. Other than that, Im not really

sure what to say. You know that Ive had a lot on my mind; I just dont know how to put it into words I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, as if I could see my own

constellations and read in them some message that would make sense to no one but me. Divination by the stars. Yesterday, I said, opening my eyes again but seeing only what I was

about to relive, I was building a bed for little Tahneeshe hates her crib now; shes starting to notice stuff like that. And I guess Im not the carpenter I thought I was; when Tahnee got back from school with Lahn, the look on her

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face said it all. So I said it was for another little girl, a poor one, and I was going to the store to buy her a new one. So I went to that bed shopyou know, down by the post officeand they had a childs bed for $199.99.

Something hit me like a jolt of electricity. What a con, I thought. Its all a

damn con. The bed was two hundred dollars. But since a toddlers bed for

two hundred bucks might seem a tad high to some people, they massage you into thinking its not so muchhey, its only one ninety-nine something. Which is the same goddam thing! And when you look around, everything in this country is ninety-nine something or something ninety-nine, and we just accept it. We get conned and we just accept it, as if this were the natural order of things. Theyre working our subconscious again. Were still living off the poisoned apple of Edward Bernays! All of us! Aw shit, are you cryin, man? Jack said. No, Im not! And what if I am? Why arent you, Jack? I wiped my eyes. I hated to embarrass myself like this. Then theres the gasoline, with that little nine. Four dollars ninety-nine

and nine-tenths. Who are they kidding? And I read where that same nine-tenths nine used to be really small so the federal government stepped in to mandate that gas stations make it at least half the size of the other numbersso that because the government has entered the fray to protect us from being conned no one was conned. So that we can be conned and not believe were conned

couldnt. I didnt want to be a part of that game anymore. Guys, I cant

So I walked out. I couldnt buy the bed. I dont know whyI just

take this culture on the terms its laying out. The nines and the nine-tenths around us: Its all fair; its all good; everythings just fine as it is. Thats

are nothing, but its what they representthe larger con thats going on all the con. Its the fraud that slaps you in the face every day until finally you

dont feel it anymore. Who complains about the $9.99? Nobody. But I still eitherwhich means I cant be a member in good standing anymore. Not anymore. Because its not all fair, its not all good, everythings not fine.

feel it and Im telling you I cant abide it. And I dont want to get used to it,

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The ninety-nine stores, the nine-tenths gas stations, the health department trying to put Jack away, the fingerprinting of honest people, the bloody Mediation Society, the Patriot Act, the meth, Blackwater, the muzzled intrusive cell phones, the money, god the money, the casinos, the California politicians, the lawless FBI, the two-ton cars crawling all over the place, the Freudian ads, the bicycle locks, the leafblowersIm telling you, Ive had it! So I didnt buy the damned bed. I went home, and when I walked in the something inside me broke. Dont you get it? Something in me was never upset because we were upset, and I realized just how unfree I am. Do you bed.

house empty-handed, seeing Tahnees face turn from glee to disappointment, going to be the same. Now little Tahnee was upset, I was upset, Lahnee was hear what Im saying? Because I had no choice but to go back and buy that Silence.

Did you buy it? Jack asked in a voice almost fearful.

clerk and I paid for the bed and I brought it home and I saw the light in my little girls eyes shine again. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a penny, holding it up. And heres the fucking proof of my servitude!

Yes, I bought it! I dragged myself back to that store and I smiled at the

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Chapter 68 Meelahnee got back from her seminar late Sunday night, Tahnee

excited to get back to her new bed. She loved the heart pattern on the accompanying bedding. How was it? I asked Lahn, brewing up some tea.

get used to it.

Like I was actually somebody, she replied with a laugh. Id better not I finished making the tea and handed her a cup. Drifting into the living If anyone deserves to be famous, its you, I said.

room, we sank into the sofa. I held up my cup in a mock toast.

it takes a lifetime of good work. Whats wrong, Ben? Like I know myself.

Thanks, darling. But fame among Native Americans is a little different We sipped in silence for a while. You know me too well. I put my cup down. God, how should I begin? I pilot the Enola Gay here. You know how much I love you, I began. I hear trouble. I wish it were just mine, not yours, too.

She put her cup down and nestled into my shoulder.

seventeen years now, but the band has finally stopped playing. Even though everybody is still dancing, its time for me to get off the dance floor. She pulled back and looked at me with alarm. What do you mean?

Ive reached the end of the line, Lahnee. Ive made a decent go of it, almost

the challenge like any other proud male animal. But its clear to me now,

Ive tried hard, for your sake and Tahnees, and even for myself, taking on

clearer than its ever been before, that I cant live in this society anymore. from the thunderbird.

You can! Ill help you. You can live among the Taos. Theyll protect you

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What, and use them like human shields? You think I could live with that? What else can you do? There was dread in her voice, something Id never heard before. I can saddle up and ride. We can. How? How can we do that?

Janet let me stay at? Shes moving to Denver to take care of her mother and I asked her if shed sell me the place. A hundred some-odd acres, too. The desert?

Do you remember that cabin out in the desert, the one Bobs friend

up nice. Theres even a tribe living nearby. her eyes.

Its got no electricity, but theres a year-round well. We can fix the place It was clear what Lahnees feelings were, as tears had already begun to fill What did Sarah and them say about it? Do they know? I told them last night. And?

its better than the alternative.

Drew says Im crazy, but Jack and Sarah think it might work. Sarah says Whats the alternative?

despairI knew there could be no reasoning without hope.

I didnt answer. I had to keep the conversation from dropping into Look, Lahn, we can make a miracle happen. I can fix up the house, rig

up a pump for the well, plant some shrubs, I can keep writing, you could supplies and to upload the website

home-school Tahnee, we can go into that little town nearby once a week for That was a compromisea couple of hours once a weekI thought I I wont leave the tribe! she blurted, suddenly standing up. Weve waited

could live with. Yes, all so neat and convenient for me. But Lahnee?

a hundred years on the outside, and Im not going back out! And neither is Meetahnee. Shes Taos, and I wont take that away from her. Ever! the hideous shape of our predicament.

She ran into the bedroom in tears. She, too, was beginning to perceive

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could I console my wife when I myself couldnt be consoled? If this was bridges. A few moments of terror to take your mind off your pain, then an extinguishing of the pain forever. A perfectly rational solution to an alive. I was certain of that.

I went in the kitchen and took a prodigious slug of Jos Cuervo. How

what the beginning of insanity felt like, I now know why people jump off

irrational situation. Was I tempted? Not as long as my wife and child were Drink was of little solace to me now, so I put the bottle back and

went into the bedroom. Lahnee was sitting up on the bed, her arms around corner. Wild mustangs wouldnt wake her.

her propped-up legs. Tahnee was asleep in her little heart-dappled nest in the I understand, Ben; I do, she said with the weariness of a wizened squaw. I know you do, I offered, sitting next to her. Theres not much more to say, is there. When I say I cant go, you know I

mean it. If you say you cant stay, I know, too. Thats what love is, Ben. The knowing.

a woman should be or could ever be, and I didnt know what I was going to do

She looked so old then, almost ancient. To me she was just about everything

without her. Yet I dare not contemplate what Id become if I stayed. If theres a God, show your face! Because looking at the face of my poor Meelahnee is killing me. Somehow weve got to survive this, Lahn. Our worlds going to come to an end and you say survive it? How? By I didnt say anything. She was right. There wasnt really anything

snapping our fingers?

more to say. She sat quietly, as if gathering her thoughts. Time passed. Five minutes, maybe ten. Suddenly I felt her muscles tense and she bounded off the bed, pulling me with her.

work by now. Well take a taxi over. Well plan this out. Shes got a garage to help load up and drive you. Youre going tomorrow while Im at work

Okay, get Tahnee up. Im going to call my mother; she should be off

full of stuff you can use. Her boyfriend Busters got a truck; she can get him

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so I dont have to say goodbye. I know theres no cell phone service out there so well have to use e-mail every week. Im going to save all the what love is. correspondence and well make it into a book so other people will know Here she broke down and cried in my arms, though I could see that she

was fighting it. Soon she pushed me away, wiped her eyes, and got back on track.

thats just going to happen to her. Ill call mom. Then well get the cab. to say goodbye to people.

Wake up Tahnee. I want her to feel a part of all this. Its not something What about Sarah and Jack? What about Billy Bear? Gray Wolf? Ive got She came right up into my face, her eyes full of wisdom.

in the heart and thats not how I want you to start out. Ill tell them how goodbye.

You let me do that. I know youevery goodbye is going to be like a stab

they can reach you and then the next time you see them itll be a hello, not a I got Tahnee up, and with some story-time antics she was soon part of the Im going to send you pictures, daddy. Lots of pictures.

adventure.

plan. I could only wonder what her experiences in life must have been that to go far to get Busterhe was sleeping in the garage.

Bonnie wasnt surprised in the least when we arrived and told her of the

she took it in stride like nothing was out of the ordinary. And she didnt have The old guy was still a little drunk as we went out later to wake him

and pick out some things to bring, and as we were rummaging through gone.

everything I looked around and noticed that Meelahnee and Tahnee had

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Chapter 69 Buster was sober by morning and we made the three-hour drive to

the desert without a flat tire. He didnt say much on the way out, so it was

hard to penetrate his consciousness to have a look. We stopped a couple of

times so he could relieve himself, and I was struck by his relaxed, deliberate movement and the way he didnt look around before unzipping his fly. Take me as I am seemed to sum up his way of being in the world, and I realized then that words would be of little use to him in playing out his role. I wondered if I would be equally self-contained someday.

in five minutes the truck was unloaded. I took Buster out back to the well and we had a good drink.

We arrived at the cabin just as the heat of the day was setting in, and

the desert air his voice sounded exceptionally strong and clear.

The water is sweet, he said matter-of-factly, and in the silence of We returned to the truck. I thanked him and pulled some money from

my wallet to pay for gas. He didnt take it but simply nodded, climbed into the truck, started it with some difficulty, and drove off without a word. A from sight.

moment later I heard two honks of the horn and soon the truck disappeared I had much to do from that first day, not the least of which was to

get the house into livable conditionit had deteriorated considerably in the years since I as a wide-eyed teenager had fasted the days away and lived more in a dream than in the cabin itself. The heat was oppressive from the first week or so, like before, but as I adjusted my pace and my body

adapted to the temperature, it soon became bearable, and then comfortable. I communed every day with Meelahnee at sunset like I did those many years ago, though I no longer went to the sacred rocks but simply stopped what I was doing at the time, no matter where I was. My first excursion for supplies was made on foot, naturally, and

took a couple of hours in the cool morning air. The town was called San

Carlos and serving its small, mostly Mexican populace was a general store,

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gas station, church, and elementary school. The post office had a makeshift Internet booth, and I read with much pleasure mixed with pain a long and courageous e-mail from Meelahnee, exhorting me onward and godspeed.

She attached a touching crayon drawing from Tahnee, showing a meditating

family at sunset, with the father off to the side but all their thoughts meeting The booth was semi-private so I could let my emotions have their due.

in the air above them. So she was joining Lahnee in our holy communion! There were mails from Jack, Sarah, Drew, Billy and Gray Wolf,

staff members from the foundation, Mindee, Janet, and Roger Bradley from the tae kwon dojo. All wished me well and promised to visit, if thats what financial officer. He said they were aware that the bulk of my salary had I wantedMindee being the only exception. I also got one from the tribes gone to Sarahs clinic and to my fathers gallery and art school in Italy, and though the tribe wasnt in a position to match those amounts because I was In additionto my further surprisein recognition of services rendered no longer in their employ, it would continue to dispense small sums to both. and my determination to carry on the work on my own, the tribal elders had decided that a modest stipend be forwarded to me personally each month. I wondered if Lahnee had anything to do with this, as she knew my bank account would be pretty nearly depleted from the cabin and land purchase. live on income from writing articles, and I couldnt help but notice the disquiet in their reaction.

Id said to the family that night at her mothers house that I thought I could

she didnt spell it out, the implication was that I was running away from

Mindee was the only one with something negative to say. Although

reality and that her sister deserved better from me. She conceded at the end that she still had strong feelings for me but even so, hoped that she never saw me again.

a barbecue. I wrote back and said it would happen sooner than he thought, and I asked him to look after Meelahnee and Tahnee.

Jack promised that when I was ready, hed come out and help me build

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unlike the last time I was herebuilding a pump and makeshift irrigation system, improving the cabin, digging a cool room, planting desert flora, putting in a vegetable gardenand tried to do it all without taking over the land and bending it to my will. I wanted to create a human world without destroying the natural onesince they were really the same. And I knew from the experience of my youth that it was possible.

The days went by like ties under a speeding train. I was busy

to make the cool room ceiling, two men from the nearby tribe walked up. I

One day while I was shoveling sand over the ground-level planks I used

wasnt aware of their presence until they were practically standing next to me. younger. Cool store? one asked. He was about fifty, his companion somewhat Yeah, food dries out too fast in the house. You Ben Cross? of wonder. I was surprised but shouldnt have been. The Indian grapevine is a thing Thats me.

I saw you out here ten, fifteen years ago. Didnt know who you were then. years ago, returning my wave as he did so. Was it the same person? I really couldnt remember the face. My mind was in a different place then. The younger of the two extended his hand. Im Bobby Longbranch. Bobby, I replied, shaking his hand. I flashed on the man who had passed silently by in the desert those many

village tonight, maybe an hour before sunset. Just follow the arroyo north us for dinner.

Jim Burns, the other one said and we shook. Ben, you come to the

for about two miles and youll see the village off to the right. You can join Ill be there.

rich, empty universe that was to be my home.

With that they were off and I resumed my shoveling, the only sound in the

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my body more completely to my surroundings, when I came across a large anthill. My thoughts immediately went back to my old musings about ants

A few weeks later I was walking in the hot desert air, trying to adjust

and whether their actions were purposeful or not. I even seem to remember arguing with somebody about it, though I dont remember who. So had my as per their habit, I witnessed their frenetic meanderings. How was it that years ago I could see intelligence there, even feel a kinship? The idea is feelings changed? I sat down cross-legged to watch them for a while. Again,

laughable and yet eons later, I still feel the same. If anything, my years spent in the world of my countrymen have convinced me more than ever that our a lot more like ants than we care to realize. sense of purpose, our superior intelligence, isnt all that we think it is. Were

bedding in a garden beside the house. It was late afternoon. I heard a car approaching and when I looked up, saw a taxi rattling toward me in the

I got a shock today as I was up to my elbows in store-bought peat,

quivering desert heat. A taxi out here? I stood up and brushed off my pants. I had no idea who it might be. I was answering fewer and fewer e-mails lately, so fewer were returned. People probably started feeling that they

should leave me alone. Not that I wanted it that way. Im not a recluse. Far from it. Its just that a weekly barrage of communications broke the desert rhythm I was trying to settle into and sometimes on my return to the cabin, I had to start all over. Not to mention the fact that hearing from those close to me made it all the more painful to be away from them. The taxi, sans hubcaps and with only one headlight, pulled up to the

house in a billow of dust and stopped. A form of the female persuasion paid the driver, got out, and walked toward me. Camille!

genuine tenderness in her. But what was she doing here? You never called, I said finally.

She embraced me without a word and I felt, maybe for the first time, a

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Maybe I was too embarrassed. Im not anymore. You have no idea.

Come on inside, its cooler. Youre probably thirsty. I took her into the house and told her to have a seat. one-room shack. It was.

This place is nice, she said. I had the impression it was more like a

room, bringing up a jug of lemonade.

I opened the floor panel and went down the five or six steps into the cool Here, well have a splash of this. Ill leave the door open and let some of

the coolness come up. My air conditioner, so to speak, though I save it for company.

bit. She looked around and seemed satisfied with the place. So, Camille. Whats up? Whats up?

I poured out a couple glasses and she drank hers with gusto. I let her relax a

changes. Am I right?

You lookhow can I sayso fresh. I can only guess youvemade some Is it so noticeable?

To me it is. You look fantastic. So what are you doing now? She came and sat by me on the threadbare couch. That depends on you. Why do you say that?

Because my plan is to stay here with you. If youll have me. and I dont intend to do it again.

No, thats impossible. I put Meelahnee through that kind of trouble once Meelahnees the one who sent me here. What are you talking about? She put her glass down and faced me directly.

phone. We had a long talk and she invited me to come to Taos. I really

When I finally got up the nerve to call you, naturally she answered the

didnt like her muchI told you thatbut I wanted to see you so I agreed. I

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ended up staying with her and Tahnee for three days. I told her everything you as a boy, your mother, your mediation work, the fireand about my connection to John Malik, losing the investment money, myfalling by the wayside, my meeting with you this time around and how something must have changed in meI told her everything, Benjamin. She even had me

come to the school and talk to the kids about Albemarle. She was watching asked if Id come here and

me very carefully, Im sure. Anyway, on the third day, she sat me down and Come here and what?

How did she put it? Come here and give you comfort. I almost dropped my glass. Whats that supposed to mean?

body who understood you, wouldnt try to change you. I guess I passed the test, cuz here I am. She said the last part with a hopeful smile, yet I hardly knew how to

You tell me. She said she couldnt do it, and somebody had to. Some-

reply. She wouldnt lie to me, not now, so I was inclined to believe her. Was Lahnee so selfless that shed entrust me to another woman? Shed fought silently for two years to get me back from her sister, and now she could put herself right back in that position? But things were a lot different nowwe were apart more out of some inexplicable awareness that destiny was at work and wed better line up correctly with it or be knocked over. Lahnee of injustice about it.

seems to have accepted that, while I havent yet. I still feel a gnawing sense You know, Camille, sometimes I dont how to ease the pain, I said aloud. She drew closer. The best was to ease the pain, Ben, is to share it with someone. Im having a little trouble taking this in. I understand. Do you?

I looked at her deeply. Did she know what that might mean for her?

Ive known you since you were eight. I think I have a good idea what

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youre going through.

mention living out here in the heat, no electricity, no human companionship more wounded than I am, Ben, and I think you know that. So lets put our minds together and see what we can do. Our past has bound us together and we can start from that. And as far as no electricity goes, who needs it? Look at Were human, arent we? And we can help heal each other. Youre no

That may be true, but it might not be too pleasant to watch. Not to

meI came here with nothing, to learn what I could learn, just as you did so many years ago. Im a monk now, just as you were then. Im here for you to teach me, and Im prepared to pay the price. What can I teach you?

Remember? I want you to teach me what that means. If its what I think it is, I want you to teach me how to love. Aw, christ. Im the last person she should be asking that. Im still

You told me when you found me in L.A. that were all saintsinside.

mad at being shoved headlong into a culture where Hamilton has his foot on Jeffersons neck! And its finally caused me to leave my loved ones behind! If I know how to love, Ive got a funny way of showing it.

get comfortable here; read or lie down if you want. Im going to work in the have another try. Okay?

I dont know what to say, Camille. I really dont. Look, why dont you

garden for another hour or so. By then itll be coolerwe can take a walk and I went back out to the garden and found myself pawing aimlessly with a

rusty hand rake at the freshly-laid soil.

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Chapter 70 Weeks turn into months and you settle into a pattern where you can

look around and say, This is life. The unimaginable becomes not only plausible, but actual.

the desert bloomits already blooming, but youve got to look closely to see it. Sometimes you have to get on your hands and knees, prayer-like.

Im not creating a Garden of Eden out here. I have no intention of making

going to have a go at him but I knew Id simply come upon him, unawares. obliterate it, as our civilizations mythology goes, but I had too much regard for my fangy friend. See, without him I realized I would stumble over the sands blindly, my mind filled with images and half-hatched ideas, future

I had a difference with a rattlesnake when I first arrived. He thought I was The most efficient way to deal with the inconvenience of Nature is to

plans, past regrets. My neighborhood pit viper prevents me from falling into this folly. He keeps me aware of my surroundings, so I can live more in the bargainI dont hurt him, he doesnt hurt me. Camille. here-and-now. I see things I might not have noticed otherwise. And its a fair Now, one week from the appearance of the taxi, I relate this story to Did you kill it?

No, I didnt kill it. I wont.

Take the shovel. You can find it and kill it with the shovel. Im not going outside anymore. Dont be childish. How can I live like this? love a lil ol rattlesnake.

Its easy. Because your lessons start today. Im going to teach you how to Thus began the education of the great Camille, goddess of Albemarle and

erstwhile Whore of Babylon. I would show her what I know. This is not to say teacher. I unreservedly believed in the soundness of her judgment in choosing a

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and finding any little way to use the heat, the thorn of the cactus, the

In the beginning she resisted her lessons, neglecting her studies

interminable stillness, to subvert her education. When that didnt work she reverted to seduction, the art she seems to have perfected long ago to get her way when the light of reason failed. Try living with a person of such

alluring vitality that whenever she draws near, your heart beats fasterand you might imagine the cruel circumstance we found ourselves in. Only the knowledge of the indissoluble bond I had with Meelahnee prevented me

from lapsing into her reluctant proselyte and ceding that payment which she no doubt desiredyielding to the animal within so she herself could rise to godhead. After all, wasnt that her dream? To walk with angels? It was her will against mineshe with ample beauty and steeped in

guilethe lady was a supremely appetizing pain. But I was determined that if her. It helped that she was family.

she could stay on hereand learnI could see it through. It helped that I liked I miss Meelahnee like God his creative breath, and whats more,

I cant stop pining for my little Tahnee. When I do my daily communion, I send that innocent creature my most encouraging thoughts. And when I get disheartened with the world as it is, I contemplate a rejuvenated nation where she might be accepted and her soul nurtured. Not the limited world of the pueblo but the great country of ours that I know is possible. For if

Meelahnee thinks Tahnees best hope lies in the bosom of the Taos, I believe she needs to be able to walk free and proud on Main Street. As should we all. To help make that happen is the whirring little motor that drives me on. a modest campfire on an especially chilly night.

She may grow up to hate me, I said to Camille as we sat outside around Yes, she may. But historys tales are filled with those who left people

behind on some kind of quest, Benjaminmythical or real, it doesnt

matter. You can go all the way back to the Greeks. Homers Odysseus was how about Alexanderthey just made a movie about him, remember? He

gone twenty years, and not a three-hour drive to the desert, either. And then didnt even want to go back. And Gautama, who left like a thief in the night.

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Joan of Arc, off to save France. In the human mind, it seems there are things sometimes bigger than family. But those left behind, Camille. What can they feel but abandonment? People survive. You survived. There was pain in that thought; maybe more than Id like to admit. grieving stop?

They survive, yes, but wheres the comfort in that? When does the There may be no cure for that. But for you, whats the alternative? Go

back and live in a world you found unlivable? Do you want your soul to shrivel and die? What use will you be to anybody then? I used a stick to prod a few clumps of wood and twigs from the periphery

of the fire to its center. A swarm of sparks rose upward in noisy, ecstatic freedom.

of my notes now and understand it better. I dont expect her to forgive me. But maybe understanding can ease her mind a little. If Meelahnee teaches her right, theres a good chance of that.

Maybe when Tahnees older, she can read the manuscript Im carving out

politicor in my own consciousnesswe can work something out.

And who knows? In the future, when I can see some progress in the body If this remark hurt Camille, she didnt show it. I resolved not to talk

about my family and its uncertain future with her anymore. Better to focus the same time, I had a book to writeId have to focus on that as well. As I watched the dwindling flames, I thought back to when I was wading for over the last sixteen years as I did, how successful had I been? I couldnt to sea without asking himself.

on the present and give her the attention I was fairly certain she needed. At

the first time through my collected notes. Having had a chance to look back really say. But no man inhabits this latter-day arena that stretches from sea How would you define success, Camille?

She looked surprised, as if Id be the last person to ask such a question. others make of you. Which one do you want?

Theres two kinds of success, Ben. What you make of yourself, and what

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Isnt that obvious? Is it? I wasnt too happy with her implication. I thought it would be clear

to her which I cared about. But in fact she was scratching at a truth I had to faceI wanted both. Lahnee had reminded me how I had begun this

nondescript collection of words Im writing nowthat life could be a poem. If my life had been beautiful, wouldnt other people look more favorably on the way of living Albemarle encouraged? Then maybe Id be successful on both accountsyou achieve a beautiful life and others are attracted to your my life is no damn poem. my own life, I said.

achievement. Success within, success without. People might listen then. But I can hardly presume to influence others when I cant create beauty in The blind leading the blind, you mean? Thats what it amounts to. She came around and sat close to me.

look at success as having to achieve perfection. Be satisfied that you see

In the land of the blind you may be that one-eyed man, Benjamin. Dont

what others dont. You grew up at Albemarle, remember. Accept that youve made it your work in life to share that vision. What youre beating yourself up about is more about their lack, not yours. In our business, fate plays a heavy hand. Fate and our time in history. Socrates was a hero among the youth of Athens; today to those same youth hed be considered a crank. A hundred years ago a seven-foot man was a freak; today hes an NBA celebrity, gold chains and all. I looked at her with half a smile.

Obviously my time hasnt come. with it. Make something out of it.

Suffer! Its your koan, dear; the Zen question with no logical answer. Live

some twig-ends into the fire with my boot. Ive BEEN trying. She nudged me back.

Its not that Im not trying, I said, nudging her half-playfully, then kicking

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Youre a writer, she offered. Use that.

something of beauty. Even pain can be beautiful if theres redemption in it. I cant even do that. Why are you looking at me like that? at Albemarle. I just assumed Im surprised, thats all. Youve been writing all these years. You wrote You want to know the truth? Okay, here goes my reputation. The only I dont believe that for a minute and you shouldnt, either. But as far as Thats because you agree with me! After all, we come from the same She put her arm through mine.

Thats just it; Im not. A real one would have been able to create

reason I do it is that I dont have a knack for anything else. the writing goes, I think you do pretty well at it. starting point.

above and beyond what I might believe in.

Give me a little credit, would you? I do have powers of discrimination, She took the stick from me with her free hand and poked around the

glowing coals, marshaling them together to coax more flame out of them. I tossed on a few thorny stubs of dried wood, and between us we seem to have made the fire a fire again. what the Indians call it? No; what? Wait-a-minute.

That woods acacia, I said; known around here as cats claw. Know

Why do they call it that?

When you walk by too close, the thorns catch onto your clothes.

was another being out there in the dark, and somehow managing. No means of support but his own wit, yet living every moment with interest and hope. Okay, so maybe theres one thing that Ive succeeded at, I said. You underestimate yourself. Not at all. When I say it, it feels like Im bragging.

In the distance I heard a coyote call. I thrived on that sound. It meant there

She squeezed my arm as if in chiding, though with a smile.

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Okay, so tell me.

alive. Ive made a record and stuck it in a public place. Whether people want to use it or not, its out there. The legacy of Albemarle.

Its just that I really do feel like Ive done my part to help keep the idea

a good job documenting it and people can read about it if they want. But the idea Im talking about goes beyond Albemarlethat was just one interpretation, one way to live. I see Albemarle now more as a training

Yes, but to me its more than that. Albemarle was just a place. Stef did

ground. A way to wean people away from the focus on money, on external our minds, care for our souls. America doesnt have to become another, grander Albemarle to achieve those things. Our rare little village just imagination is limitless!

means to try to achieve happiness. It was a just structure that helped us free

suggested some ways to do it, thats all. There are other ways. The human Ive never heard you talk like this.

There are no walls in the desert, Camille. The mind roams free. Your mind has always seemed free. No, a thousand times no, I tried to joke. When I look back, I see mostly

my own limitations, my pettiness. I realize how small-minded I am. But thats made me better appreciate what the so-called European mind was

looking for when it came here to this land across the oceanexpansion!

Emancipation! It was a mind held in check like a lion pacing in a cage, a mind excited by the possibility of freeing itself that was planted there by the Enlightenment. This was the mind that made our country out of nothing more than an idea, Camille. Its founders just wanted to turn possibility into reality. Thats the concept Im trying to keep alive! Listen to your voice, Ben.

experiment to unchain the human mindthough its gone awry and chained it up again. But the fact that you and I can see that and say so is exciting to

I know; I get excited sometimes. And why not? Were part of a great

me, because it means theres still a chance to get it back on track. Albemarle

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was just one stab at it, a kind of modern-day interpretation of Jeffersons a way station. If we ever do evolve into higher beingsand given time,

ideas. But we can do better than Albemarle, because I think its really just evolution seems to promise thatwhat a platform wed have to do it from! time since anyones been able to do that.

Youre giving me goose bumps, kid, and I can tell you, its been a long Maybe its just the cold night air.

I mean it.

Im never cold around you. And I dont mean that like you might think I turned to her. The youthful look I remembered had returned to her

eyes. This wasnt the Camille on the barstool, this was my old teacher and confidante.

surprising myself now by sitting here shooting my mouth off about it, I continued, warmed by the fire and the vibrant being on my arm. I took

So thats why I may have succeededin one respectand why Im

that ideathat with a freer mind we can have a more fulfilling lifeand I could see how clear the path is. We can do extraordinary things! We only need to fulfill our birthright to make it happen. something. She was quiet for a time. She seemed to be thinking about

embraced it, I tried to record it, I worked to keep it alive. I just wish people

ordinary human I could be extraordinary. I put my hand on hers.

Maybe thats why I wanted to be a goddess. I didnt think that as an

possible, no matter how many men you get to bow down to you. But I do

Thats what Ive been trying to tell youyou cant be a goddess. Its not

believe you can find some of the divine thats inside you. I really mean that. Itll be an uphill battle, for sure, considering whats all around us out there. Maybe we can help each other.

weighing on my mind, and had been since I got here. Maybe if I could give it utterance I could lessen its power.

There was another silence, longer this time. Actually, something else was

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Im no misanthrope, Camille. She looked at me with a start. Who said you were?

clever with his words. And now, living in the desert, it looks like Ive turned time. Ive never been against peopleonly the way of life theyve fallen into. I know that.

That Vanity Fair article hinted as much, though Marc Jacobs was very

my back on the human race altogether. I havent, I swear. Im just biding my

an insufferable party-crasher.

Do you? Because I dont think most people do. They probably think Im A long silence. She stirred the fire with her stick and sparks flew madly. Can I sleep beside you tonight? she asked softly. No hanky-panky, I

body, you know. Its from your heart.

promise. I told you, Im warm with you. I like that feeling. Its not from your

they can. Two with troubled minds, one free and having little care about tomorrow. So who was I, after all, and what would the future hold? Its a

Me, her, and the coyote. Three beings wanting to make their way as best

mystery I can hardly fathom. For sure Im not the hawk of my first primitive woodcarving, nor am I, as Meelahnee says, a doveI think my heart is burdened with too much indignation for that to be more than partly true. No, maybe Im just the hapless canary in the coal minemy outpouring these last sixteen years not a diatribe against my people but simply a warning to this alone is who I am.

them. And as strange as that may seem to me, I think this is my fate. Maybe But hear my words: I intend to claim my birthright as an American,

if theres the least spark of justice to be had in this beautiful, wicked,

hopeful land of ours. And Ill help Camille claim hers, too, if shell let me.

I miss my little girl. And I miss Meelahnee, earthly guardian of my soul.

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