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Mansfield v Oxford (off the pitch)

Mansfield v Oxford (off the pitch)

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Published by Stu Watsön
Match Report.
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Published by: Stu Watsön on Nov 19, 2013
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11/20/2013

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T˙ Daily Du¨ 
19 NOV 2013 
COB OFF!
By STUART WATSON
Local Kirkby-in-Ashfield partygirl Charlotte Taylor is said to bedeeply upset over her defeat toLeague Two ’Southern FairiesOx-ford after losing a drinking contest atthe weekend.Dubbed ’The battle of Jager’,Taylor and her teammate TasHoskins, 33 lost a narrow contestdespite a late rally in which theyscored a point when GeoGleesonstacked it in Rock City, Nottinghamduring a spirited dance to FalloutBoy in which he hurtled forward andfaceplanted the dance floor.It had been an uphill battle for theLeague Two newcomers since Fridaywhen LuLu refused to come into townfollowing drinks at The Talbot, whichwas then compounded with Hoskinschucking his guts up all over a chil-drens playround after consuming fartoo many pints of Fosters.Speaking during her post matchpress conference during SundayLunch at her Mums house, Taylor,expressed her dissapointment overthe defeat.
"
Well I were right pished off wisome of the girls not turning up
"
 sheexclaimed whilst puffing on a Berkleymenthol. ’fooking LuLu let me downby going home early on Friday, andthen Lucy bailed on Saturday coz shewere hungover and said she was feel-ing a bit nesh!
"
Indeed Lucy Dumelow, 25 was insuch a state from Friday night shefailed to turn up for Saturdays match,earning herself an automatic 1 matchban.Oxford produced a good dis-play, however, Tim Rust who camethrough the clubs public school boyranks, let the side down when he re-ceived a yellow card for ordering alate night ’Chip Cobinstead usingof the proper term to order it ’ChipRoll.’During the main contest on Sat-urday, Hoskins put up a spirited per-formance, in which Taylor turned upover 75 minutes late for the scheduledstart time. Following the game onthe pitch, the battle remained fairlytight in Nottingham, however the latepoint for Mansfield was to be in vainas Oxford ran out 4-3 winners to takethe points back down the M1.It did appear however that thewin did come at a cost with serveralsenior members of the Oxford teamcomplaning of illness until Tuesdaymorning, despite a few of them be-ing given Monday off by the manager.Long time servant Stuart Watson, 32has also been caught using the word’Goodo’ several times since returninghome and saying ’Thank You’ with adistinct East Midlands twang to it.Rumours around the trainingground are that a couple of loan play-ers from non league Abingdon Unitedare set to be drafted in for the returnleg in February.Mansfield also have problems of their own as star player CharlotteTaylor is understood to have accepteda year long loan move to A-Leagueoutfit Perth Glory, with the optionof extending it by another year if themove proves to be successful.Both teams are said to be ’chomp-ing at the bitto get at each otheragain, with Taylor apprently takingpart in a training session at Anna’sbirthday in December to get up to fullmatch fitness.Player ratings out of 10OxfordRust 6 - use of the word Cob lethim down. Booked.Gleeson 4 - fell asleep in Mansfieldbar, tried wandering off from the cabon friday night and injured.Dowzall 8 - solid performance,livened up in Rock CityCrick 7 - punk rocker never let theside down, although nearly had a fuedwith roommate Watson after gettingup at 07.30am on Saturday morning.Barnes 9 - first to start drinkingon Saturday along with Crick, anddrove the team bus home on Sunday.Watson - 7 - dependable and keptgoing to the death, however handedsome of his dinner to Taylor in Hoot-ers.Treacy - 8 partnered Barnes wellupfront to lead the charge, got reallysloppy.Szelejewska 8 - kept pace with thelads, and also acted as the team pho-tographer whilst getting smashed.MansfieldTaylor 8 - missed the start of thematch, however rallied to put in aspirited perfomance.Hoskins 6 - was lively to start, butthen peaked too early with a spew.Booked.Dumelow 4 - failed to turn up forthe main event.Adams 2 - went home early on Fri-day with the excuse of work in themorning.Reuters
InternationalMoose CountUnderway
By BOB O’BOBSTON
The UN-sponsored InternationalMoose Census got oto a flyingstart today with hopes for an increasein the worldwide moose populationcompared to last year’s disapointingfigures. Among the traditional earlyreporters were Egypt, returning fig-ures of six moose, a twenty percentincrease on 2011’s figures of five, and
 
The Daily Duck
 19 NOV 2013 
 2Uruguay whose moose population re-mains stable at eleven.According to Robbie McRobson,head of the UN Moose Preserva-tion Council, worldwide moose num-bers are expected to grow markedlyon last year due to the traditionalmoose strongholds of Canada and theUnited States, with the larger de-veloping moose ecologies also poisedto make gains. The largest percent-agege increase in moose will likelycome from China”, says McRobson,The Chinese government has investedheavily in moose infrastructure overthe past decade, and their committ-ment to macrofauna is beginning topay dividends”. Since 2004 Chinahas expanded moose pasture from 1.5of arable land to nearly 3.648 andmoose numbers are expected to riseto 60,000 making China a net mooseexporter for the first time. This isgood news for neighbouring Mongo-lia, a barren moose-wasteland whoseinhabitents nonetheless have an insa-tiable desire for the creatures. The in-crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade isanticipated to relieve pressure on therelatively strained Russian suppliers,but increase Mongolia’s imbalance of trade with its larger neighbour.Historically the only competitorto China in the far eastern moosemarkets has been Singapore but thetiny island nation is set to report anet loss, expecting a decrease of morethan five percent on last year’s 50,000moose counted. The head of Singa-pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing-Feng Lau, explained to an incredu-lous Singaporean parliament yester-day that bad weather had contributedto this season’s poor showing, mostnotably when a cargo of 150 moosewere swept out into the Indian oceanin a monsoon.Yet again the global demand formoose will be met largely by theUS and Canada. The recession-hitStates is taking comfort in its moosegrowth figures with gross productionexpected to break 700,000 and net ex-ports to grow by 2. The worldwidedominance of Canada shows no signsof abating though with this year’smoose population expected to matchlast year’s record figures of one hun-dred million billion.Europe’s rise as an internationalmoose power will slow slightly thisyear as a response to the EuropeanUnion’s move towards standardisingthe European moose. Stringent qual-ity controls are holding back the de-velopment of the eastern europeanpopulations compared to last yearwhen they contributed significantlyto europe’s strong growth figures.Norway, which is not an EU memberbut has observer status, strengthedin numbers relative to the Euro areawith numbers of Norweigian moose,known locally as elk” expected to risefor the tenth consecutive year, partic-ularly thanks to a strong showing inthe last quarter.As moose season reaches its close,researchers world wide are turning toscience in an attempt to boost nextyear’s figures. NASA stunned thescientific community today with theannouncment of their discovery thatthe moon is significantly smaller thanpreviously believed. This conclusion,which is the conclusion of a ten-year collaborative project, will haveprofound implications for the moosecommunity as the gravitational fieldis now known to be of the rightstrength to support moose in orbit.According to John Johnson, headof the NASA Moon Sizing Experi-ment the first delivery of moose intolow moon orbit could be achieved asearly as the third quarter of next year.The technology to nurture moose inspace is available now”, he said, ”allthat is needed is political will”.
Granny winsWorld WrestlingChampionship
By ROY MCROYSTON
Records were smashed inNicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham-pionship last night as 78-year-oldMaud Johnson, grandmother of five,became the first woman for fifty-sixyears, and the oldest competitor ever,to claim the gold medal. She walkedaway with her million dollar share of the prize money, runner up TommyThompson from Nigeria taking half amillion, and third place New Zealan-der John Smith receiving a warmhandshake from the umpire.Having started the tournament arank outsider she began to impressin her second match when she tookUS number three Ron Ronson by sur-prise and subdued him in twenty sec-onds with her unique move that hasbeen dubbed
 "
Maud’s Death Grip
"
.The injection of a new wrestling styleinto the tournament was welcomedby spectators and Johnson’s pre- andpost-match breakdances have provedentertaining to fans. However, shewas still not expected to win inround three last Wednesday, facingoff against title-holder Paulo
 "
Spine-Snapper
"
 Lutti, of Vatican City. Un-derdog Johnson was soon showing herworth with stamina and agility easilymatching last year’s winner. Lutti’sexperience paid off initially as he tookthe first two rounds, but as John-son became more confident her su-perior strength came to the fore andshe clawed back two rounds to takethe contest into a decider. By thistime Lutti’s body language indicatedthat he already felt overawed by thepretender to his crown, and the new-comer took advantage of this to en-gage a mutual headlock which sheheld for three hours until the Vat-ican man retired from exhaustion.The next seven matches were barelya contest as the news of Johnson’ssupremacy overawed all her oppo-nents who became too indimidated tofight properly.Nigerian Tommy Thompson isalso a relative newcomer to thewrestling scene, but with his 210lbframe he was expected to fare wellagainst Johnson who weighs in atonly 90lb. However Johnson’s litheand slender, some would say scrawny,figure belies her agility and strengthwhich she demonstrated by holdingThompson above her head severaltimes during the bout and throwinghim into the crowd once. With thescores tied at 2-2 time ran out and thecontest went to a panel of judges to beassessed. They awarded Thompson aC grade whilst Johnson received anA, becoming the first grandmother toever win the title.The new champion explained hersuccess as the result of a strict train-

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