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SANTA SHOCK A brief play by Dan Finnen The characters are Moe Helper Elf Rob Santa Donner

Tiny Tim Paramedic The play takes place in a mall in Muncie, Indiana and the North Polarity.

Copyright 2013 by Dan Finnen For a free license to shoot or perform this play, please email dan@dungheap.net

2. Lights come up on a shopping mall Santa sitting in a Christmas themed throne that had once seen better days. A large sign overhead says MUNCIE MALL. A bowl of egg nog sits out on a table attracting flies. This Santas real name is MOE, and Moe is a fifty-year-old dad who has recently lost his job in the factory he worked at his whole life. Moe sits twiddling his thumbs while a bored teenage HELPER ELF checks her phone. Nobody is in line. Nobody is in the mall. MOE Slow day again. Man, Amazons sucking the life out of these malls, right? Am I right? The helper elf ignores him. MOE Oh! Heres somebody ROB, a nerdy teenager walks up to the line. He stands around awkwardly, not sure what to do next. MOE Uh, son, can I help you? ROB I have a Christmas request. MOE Arent you a little old for The teenager walks up and sits down on Moes lap. Moe sags under his weight. MOE Ho! Ho, sonny my knees arent as good as they once were ROB Ask me what I want. Rob stares into Moes eyes. MOE So what would you like for Christmas little boy young man? ROB

3. One hundred and fifty six thousand dollars. MOE For what? ROB Tuition money. MOE Ah. Well. Ill get right on that. Off you go! Moe pushes Rob off his lap. ROB Dont I get a picture? Moe lets out a long sigh. MOE Fine. Helper elf! The helper elf lets out a long sigh. Moe and Rob pose together and the helper elf takes a picture. Rob leaves. MOE What a mess. Earlier today a kid asked me if I could make his parents get back together. I dont know if I can take another day of this. Five days until Christmas Ill never make it. The helper elf goes back to playing on her phone and ignoring Moe. Moe stands up. MOE I need a break. We got anything to drink? Pop? Water? HELPER ELF We got some egg nog thats been sitting out since this morning. MOE Whatever, Ill drink it The helper elf dumps some nog into a cardboard cut and hands it to Moe. MOE

4. Thanks. Moe takes a big swig of the nog. Lights change and the helper elf disappears as Moe starts to choke on the nog. He drops the cup and falls to his knees as he gasps for air. The REAL SANTA strides into the room. He nudges Moe with his boot. SANTA Yo. Up here. Moe looks up and stumbles to his feet. MOE S Santa? SANTA Ho, Ho, Hell yeah! Moe looks around. MOE Whats happening? Where am I? SANTA Youre in the North Pole! MOE How can I be in the North Pole when I was in Muncie two seconds ago? SANTA The North Pole is not a location. Its a parallel universe. MOE Im pretty sure the North Pole is an actual place. SANTA Shhhhhh Santa holds his finger to Moes lips. SANTA Somebodys been a naughty boy Moe points to himself as to say, Who? Me?

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SANTA Yes, you. I hear youre thinking about quitting? MOE I was thinking that. I mean, how can howd you know? Santa turns away from Moe. SANTA Oh, you know that old song, He knows when youre sleeping, he knows when youre awake, he knows when youre bathing Something like that. MOE Im sorry, I just cant handle this job, you see those kids today? Santa spins around. SANTA Job? Job? This is not some measly job were talking about here. Do you know the gravity of your position? MOE Im a fake Santa in a run down strip mall who gets paid below minimum wage. SANTA Youre not there for the money! MOE Im pretty sure I was SANTA Youre there for the kids. You are my personal ambassador to Muncie, Indiana. One of the many personal ambassadors I have sprinkled through the entire world. Its a sacred trust. The trust of the brother of shopping mall Santas. MOE The brotherhood of shopping mall Santas? SANTA Yes! The BSMS for short. MOE That sounds terrible. SANTA grabs Moe by the shirt.

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SANTA You are Santa to those kids. You are the only way they can see me. Whatever impression they get from you is what they get of me. When you look like an idiot, you make me look like an idiot. DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT MOE? DO I? MOE No! No! Santa lets Moe go. SANTA I didnt think so. Its time to get the Christmas spirit back in you. MOE How do you SANTA DONNER! Santa claps twice. DONNER enters. Donner is an incredibly attractive young woman wearing a skimpy Christmas themed dress decked out with snow, ornaments, and lights. She has a thick French accent. SANTA Yo girl. Give Santa some sugar. Donner gives Santa a kiss and Santa gives her a playful spank as she walks over to Moe. MOE Wait. I thought Donner was SANTA Yeah, yeah, a reindeer. Sold off all those years ago and replaced them with supermodels. MOE You use supermodels to pull your sled? SANTA You think Im a frickin idiot? No I dont use supermodels to power my sled. I use jet engines. Santa looks at Donner.

7. SANTA This guy, right? MOE What does Mrs. Claus think about all this? SANTA (Yelling towards offstage) That CHEATING WHORE? IM GONE ONE NIGHT OF THE YEAR, ONE NIGHT! AND YOU BREAK MY HEART! MOE Im going to assume theres some backstory there DONNER Sweetie, what do you need me to do? SANTA Ah. Just need a Christmas spirit infusion on this chucklehead. Nothin fancy. Donner looks over Moe. DONNER Hes going to need some work, but I can handle it. Why dont you go get some rest sugar plum? Donner gives Santa a kiss, which quickly devolves into a short make-out session. They break apart and Santa gives Moe a stern look. SANTA Remember Im watching you Moe. Just like the song says. Ho, ho, hoooowaaaayy! Santa makes his grand exit. Donner sets down her bag and begins to rummage through it. DONNER To recharge the Christmas spirit within yourself you must do either one of two things. You can be inspired to do wondrous acts of good will by three ghosts MOE That sounds time consuming Donner pulls out a string of Christmas lights and stands back up.

8. DONNER Or we can do electroshock therapy. MOE What the hell? DONNER I dont got three ghosts and all day, its time for the Santa Shock. MOE Pass. DONNER Do it for me, baby. MOE Nope. DONNER It doesnt hurt MOE Fine, do it, whatever gets me out of here! DONNER Thats the spirit. Now hold still. Donner wraps up Moe in Christmas lights. MOE You know, I already feel super Christmassy, so you dont even need to Donner finishes. DONNER Now, repeat after me. Ho! MOE Ho! DONNER Ho! MOE Ho

9. DONNER Ho! MOE HOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH! Donner plugs in the lights wrapped around Moe. They promptly short out, electrocuting Moe. After a moment, Donner unplugs the lights. Moe falls to the ground panting. MOE Oh shit, oh shit, I think I just pissed myself DONNER Do you feel the Christmas spirit flowing through your body? Moe, still lying on the floor wrapped in lights, wiggles angrily. MOE YOU JUST ELECTROCUTED ME! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? DONNER Hmm. Looks like it didnt take. We need to bring in the big guns. TIM, GET IN HERE! Tiny Tim enters limping pathetically on a tiny cane. MOE Tiny Tim? TINY TIM Life hurts so much but I love Christmas! And you should too! Tiny Tim hits Moe with his cane. MOE Ouch! I thought you were supposed to be cute! TINY TIM Sir, do you have any food to spare? Im so hungry, I havent eaten in years MOE I think hes exaggerating, I mean, hed be dead if Tiny Tim smacks Moe with his cane again.

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MOE Ouch! Okay you little monster, theres a candy cane in my pocket! Take it! Tiny Tim snatches a candy cane from Moes pocket. TINY TIM Oh, thank you kind sir! Now I will not die in starvation in a tiny, dirty little sewer today. Instead, I will die in a tiny, dirty little sewer tomorrow. Tiny Tim begins to exit the stage limping, then halfway stands straight up. TINY TIM (in a deep voice) One cane? Cheapskate. Tiny Tim exits. Moe looks up at Donner. MOE I think I feel a little Christmassy? DONNER (smiling) Great! Donner plugs the lights back in. MOE No! No! It worked! I love Christmas! Im going to watch Frosty the Snowman on loop for the rest of my life! PLEASE ANYTHING BUT Suddenly the lights change back to how they were at the beginning of the show. Donner exits and is replaced by the helper elf and a PARAMEDIC. The paramedic leans over Moes body with a defibulator while the helper elf watches and screams. PARAMEDIC Clear! The paramedic shocks Moe. MOE AAAAAHHHH! Moe bolts straight up.

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MOE NO MORE! NO MORE! I HATE CHRISTMAS! I HATE IT! PARAMEDIC What what was that sir? MOE (sobbing) I hate Christmas PARAMEDIC (quietly, to himself) Hmm looks like it didnt take. Better send him back. MOE What are you talking about? Are you PARAMEDIC SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN SOME WATER. The helper elf looks around, finding no water anywhere. PARAMEDIC Cmon woman! This man is going into shock! MOE Dont listen to him IM FINE! Flustered, the helper elf grabs a cup and fills it with egg nog and hands it over to the paramedic. He looks at it. PARAMEDIC Now hold still sir Moe notices what hes about to give him. Hands tied, he tries to resist, but cant do anything but squirm. MOE No! NO! I DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO THE NORTH POLE! NOOO! The paramedic forces Moe to drink the egg nog. The lights all go black. In the darkness, we hear the dark laughter of Santa Claus.

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