SEX AND PANIC By Fabiane Borges and Hilan Bensusan Translated by Raphi Soifer It was panic!

That anxious disturbance showed itself like when a demon attacks Something that desub!ectifies" disturbs" explodes without lea#ing an inch for self$control or distraction She had a mari!uana cake that the men of the house had prepared" and the syndrome came in Two big black guys and a little white dude playing chess in the nicest house in that fa#ela" while the neighbors dispute the power of their banging stereos playing about cunts$on$the$asphalt" take$her$from$behind The women lowered their hips to the ground and laughed per#ersely at what they could do if their asses were assaulted from behind The group of trans#estites on the corner of the alley sei%ed a car" showing off their silicone breasts" some o#ersi%ed" others only imagined The men of the house spoke in those calm men con#ersations and kept playing chess &n the other side of the room" she watched it all without dedicating herself to any of it She was bent o#er" certain that she was ha#ing a cumulati#e heart attack" an anyeurism" a stroke" or e#en chronic asthma ' bu%%ing noise took o#er her head" a ner#ous bu%%ing that announced imminent death The bu%%ing was so loud that it competed with the giant stereos in the windows She tried to calm herself down( it will soon be o#er But she didn)t belie#e it" she was incredulous Between one gasp and another" she bade farewell to the things that she liked in life( eating tangerines straight from the tree* being sucked off by horny lesbians* and" most of all" reading 'frican mythology She was so out of control that she could hardly manage to walk up the staircase behind her companions" which is why she tried to go up in a single leap She fell straight into the game of chess In three seconds" she had destroyed the harmony on the terrace She didn)t want to interfere with the men in the house" much less to go out on the street in her half$naked state" head still wet from the cold shower that hadn)t helped anything She rolled on the ground gasping" a mixture of hysterical attack and the sound of cheesy sex She had put her head on the men)s legs" on their chests" taken their hands to her heart for them to say that e#erything was fine" but it wasn)t They were trying to be +uick in freeing themsel#es from all that lack of taste that was threatening to infiltrate o#er their ele#ated soir,e designed to make them feel that the men had ele#ated themsel#es o#er animals" o#er the females The rush of a ritual that mixes culture and testosterone She was in another kind of rush" the rush of pungent pain" of the absence of gasping air" of the risk of collapse She wanted them to pull her away from her own lack of control In her body" the lows and the peaks of panic mixed with eti+uette and with the cunt on the muddy asphalt The combat between speeds brought its own rush( the game couldn)t stay tied for #ery long She pulled herself from between the fragments of their bodies They looked at her with complacent" complicit longing She wasn)t an accomplice" and

she was too complicated But she won the battle

- .anna play pool/ It was one of the handsome black guys" the capoeira player" who had in#ited e#erybody 'll she could do was grab the white host)s arm( $ 0ou)re not going to play pool" you)re not going to lea#e here I don)t ha#e anyone else here" and you)re going to stay here with me The other two left He stayed Standing" turning back from the door - There you are" you !ust ruined my Saturday - Sorry -0ou)re weak 0ou make me nauseous -Fine" but hold on to my heart now" press it 1ust a little -0ou should know I)m not going to take this drug This isn)t my #ibe" it)s yours 'nd if this is !ust your game to get us to fuck 2 I)m not going to fuck you 3ot it/ 0ou don)t turn me on -Fine" !ust press me" grab my shoulders" that)s all 4hange your tone of #oice" too Shit" you think I want to fuck/ 0ou really think all of this is to screw you/ &w hold on to my heart It sucks" these peaks suck Take me to the emergency room! -5ude" my Saturday is sacred! I !ust wanted to eat my pot cake" I !ust wanted to smoke without stress I)m full of problems 3o get yourself a fucking schi%oanalyst -There are no damn schi%oanalysts here" I !ust need your help right now Stop talking and hug me from behind That)s right Harder 0ou)ll be the schi%oanalyst today - Shit" that)s all I need This chick wants sex and comes on with a pretext of health problems 0ou should find someone who can help you 3o down the hill and fuck someone" there are a bunch of big black guys who)ll do you -0ou)re the one talking about sex here I)m ha#ing an attack I need your help 2 don)t you understand anything/ ' chick comes to ask for your help" she)s desperate" and you think she wants to gi#e it up for you/ 4an)t you think of anything else/ 0ou think you)re that hot" think you)re irresistable/ -0ou talk about it all the time" write about it" and think that I)m going to associate you with what/ 0our head)s on my cock 5on)t suck it 2 it)s dirty -6o" no" I think my glucose got screwed up from your pot cake Take me to the hospital" I can)t get there by myself Take me to the hospital" since you can)t manage to take care of me" you worthless piece of shit! -Stop fucking screaming! 0ou)re in the most dangerous fa#ela in Sal#ador 0ou)re cra%y I)m tired of your breathing" it sounds like you)re screwing 4hange the rhythm 2 ha#en)t you e#en done yoga/ 0ou should! 3oddammit Hey" can someone bring something sweet up here/ 76o one responds 8#eryone went to shoot pool9 -I)ll ha#e some gum

-It)s full of gasoline - So what am I going to eat/ -' black cock -0eah" right 3i#e me sugar! I need something to calm me" got it/ 4an)t you do that for me 2 can)t you at least do that/ -Hey baby" it will pass 4alm down I)ll hug you 4ome closer" but don)t suck my cock -That)s right" that)s right" I !ust need you to press against me a little Times like these" I need someone pressing against me" I need to feel the force around me I need to feel it strong 0ou can stop a little" that)s it" put your hand on my neck That)s it" that)s good - 3irl" you need to look for better hook$ups 0ou !ust ha#e bad hook$ups They don)t do you any good I think you ha#e to be more selecti#e with your lo#e" too -3uess what/ I)m the one who takes care of my hook$ups 'nd in case you)re wondering" that)s how my selection works( I)ll go for whate#er appears in front of me" instead of waiting for some poet princess college student like you :eep your hand there" don)t take it away -Shut your mouth This discussion is going to turn out bad 0ou)re going to wind up with my cock in your mouth" and it)s all dirty - 0ou afraid of me/ .hat are you afraid of/ 0ou think I)m a sexual monster/ -Half the world has syphilis and the other half has 'I5S 0ou ha#e a lot of sex 0ou must ha#e one of the two" for sure - 'nd if I want to infect you" what are you gonna do/ 0ou gonna resist/ I need to infect to get o#er this panic" baby This panic that you feel about anything that doesn)t fit your pattern of beauty and desire 1ust pretty things" cute girls" good bodies But old" black" and toothless no way" right/ That must be what you call a bad hook$up &f course I want to infect you This week" I went to a pool where there was this old guy" ;< years old He looked at me so much" he was so wrinkled and ugly that I decided to gi#e it up for him It turned me on so much! I made an old guy happy and came on a wrinkled$up cock with loose balls Bad hook$up/ For you" of course it would be unthinkable to ha#e a hook$up like that with a little old grandma" a black woman with dentures here on the corner 3oddamn patterns! That makes me panic 2 that must be why I)m feeling this way =ress me harder! 5on)t let go! 5on)t fucking fight with me! =ress me harder" stop me from !umping" contain my despair! -I think these experiences that you keep messing in are going to wind up killing you -I think your pre!udice is what)s killing me -.hy do you keep messing around with these things/ 0ou)re weak you can)t control them - 8#eryone has a drug of choice 0ou)d rather be a rasta" you want to keep the good part of the re#olution" the part you think is good - 'nd what)s your re#olution/ Screwing half the world with no lo#e" with no affection .hy do you mess around with that/ - Because I need experience Sex is a #ice 2 it)s not always bad 0ou go on your own way 5&6)T >8T 3& &F ?8! -5on)t shout" you whore! -I knew that)s what you were talking about! 0ou think whores are

monsters 'nd they are" got it/ They are! If you stop pressing me" I)ll kill you -3irl" unlike what you think" I)#e fucked men before There are some I still lo#e It)s not my scene" but I li#ed my experiences They)re a lot different than yours" but I li#ed them 0ou)re so pretentious" thinking yours are the only ones worth anything -0ou fucked men 3ood for you I bet they were all beautiful hackers like you -They weren)t all beautiful But I don)t fuck anyone I can)t ha#e a con#ersation with -&h" like an ideological selection - 6o" my hook$ups are complete They come from all part of my body -That way" you only find people like you The boundaries of your puritan sex life are the boundaries of your class" probably your race -4ould be I try to keep sex away from power 2 can you understand that/ - 6o" power ne#er stays away" brother The only thing that stops is your head =R8SS H'R58R! -=eople complicate e#erything" and it)s not always worth it 0ou should spend more time with machines than with people" people aren)t worth as much as you think -I know If there)s room for my pain in this fucking con#ersation" I)ll tell you about hango#ers" strains" and #iolence -There)s no room Shut up I)m en!oying my own #ibe -But I)ll talk +uietly" you only ha#e to hear it if you want to - 5on)t talk -I)m going to talk! Sex has its own fluxes" it)s as though you were forcing desire .hen desire forces itself" the pattern doesn)t matter that much Fighting the pattern of consuming bodies is one of the weird parts of sexual desire 0ou" for example" are an example of my desire from ten years back These days" I see you as a white guy with dreads" almost 4hristian" a good little Franciscan who !ust screws for lo#e For your lo#e" because whoe#er gets in#ol#ed with you doesn)t count They could want anything from you" but you)re going to persist masturbating to beauty 1ust like any Salesian priest who did Indian girls out of lo#e for 3od 5id it matter if the Indian wanted to guy to turn into an Indian/ &b#iously not! That)s political" my friend That)s #ery political -So you)#e decided to screw e#eryone to redeem the Tupinamb@ Indians! 0ou)re a re#olutionary! -It)s another game I forced some experiences for myself that amplify the panorama of my desire" and each time I turn more lesbian" e#en in the way I hug freely 0ou always think of penetration because deep down" your tactical media is hetero It wants to fuck" to inseminate if it can 8#en more" it wants to be able to get away with the least guilt possible 0ou and all the other dogs in the world think that way But you)d ne#er admit it" because it)s not right for hackristians to think that way I need to learn to lo#e humans" all of them" with a uni#ersal" non$territorial lo#e The #iolence of pre!udice is the force I ha#e to keep going" to keep insisting -To keep insisting on what/ -&n the life we could ha#e in this world" without borders or

patterns 'ccess to pleasure and to land! -'nd you turn more skeptical and more alone all the time -4ould be >oneliness is a risk 0es! To the point of not wanting to ha#e any kids -Sometimes I feel sorry for you 0our Apolitical experienceB is leading you to a dry life - I wish I had a dick" so I could !ack off once in a while 0our hand)s on my nipple -I know 'nd my cock)s hard" too -I want to suck you off -I masturbated twice today I didn)t wash my dick It)s dirty 7She takes a condom out of her pocket" puts it on his dick" and lowers her mouth slowly" until she)s taken it all in9 -0ou)re good at this -8xperience -0ou confuse me -5on)t stop pressing me" please! -I won)t stop 5on)t you stop" either -Then put your knee between my legs -Take off your panties -I)#e had them off from the beginning -4an I go inside you/ -6o" I prefer your knee -.hy/ -Because it)s more free culture than your cock 'fter they cum" the hacker and the girl sleep calmly 6o panic &ne dreaming of Indians and re#olutions" the other of mo#ing away from town the next day