• Embed Doc
  • Copy Link
  • Readcast
  • Collections
  • 3
    CommentGo Back
Download
 
BAD RESUMES……THESE ITEMS WEREACTUALLY ON RESUMES
Objectives:
 To acquire a creative development position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast (2years) technical experience.To find a gig.My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
Reasons for Leaving the Last Job:
 Terminated after saying, "It would be a blessing to be fired."Responsibility makes me nervous.Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd.I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.My last employer insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under thoseconditions.Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.I was working for my mom until she decided to move.The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.Maturity leave.
Job Responsibilities:
 Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks.Responsibilities included checking customers out.Creator / Writer: ihatemylife.us, Los Angeles, CAOverlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success.Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to atleast partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately
 
lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
Personal Interests:
 Donating blood. 14 gallons so far!I like the Simpsons.Interests: Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering.Go Chargers!
Qualifications:
 Professionally watered 22,500 house plants.I often use a laptap.I am able to say the ABCs backwards in under five seconds.I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine.In response to your ad for Web Editor, here is a URL to a site I have worked on: www.seeyouinbed.comI have a current passport.Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solving.Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.I am a great team player I am.I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.Very experienced with out-house computers.Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.I never take anything for granite.I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills,communication with people, seriousity.I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills.I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The onlydifference was that they became great.I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.
 
I'm a rabid typist.Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.It's best for employers that I not work with people.Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.Marital status: often. Children: various.
Education:
 While I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several.Completed 11 years of high school.College: August 1880-May 1984.Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.Suspected to graduate early next year.No education or experience.
Special Requests:
Desired Salary: $1.00 Per Year I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.I want a boss of average height, not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to just about anything given time).I need just enough money to have pizza every night.If U hire me, U will not have any regrets.I don't have a phone 4 the time being. Please email me instead.I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer.I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut duringworking hours.
of 00

Leave a Comment

You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...
marslady

Questions to avoid during an interview: 1) Do you ever press charges? 2) I won't fail my drug test if I have a prescription, right?

reply02 / 06 / 2009
hildenburglar8242

this resume was obviously a joke. way to make an ass out of yourself.

reply09 / 28 / 2008
eQualizer

LOL, I can put a face to some of these statements.

reply01 / 28 / 2008
You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...