HowtoTalktoYourAdolescentAboutAlcohol

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They’re growing up. Your 9-year-oldwants to pack his own suitcase for thefamily vacation. Your 11-year-old doesn’twant you to open her dresser drawers.And don’t even think about picking outa CD for a 13-year-old.Not yet teenagers but no longer littlekids, young adolescents—or tweens—love their increasing independence. Buthappilyfor parents, 9-to-13-year-olds stilllook to you for direction on importantdecisions. This is a time to give it yourALL—ask, listen, learn—so that you’ll bebetter prepared to understand andrespond to the changes your child isexperiencing. And, most important,remember to have an open dialogue—to talk, talk, talk—and together you’ll beable to meet the challenges.

WHY IT’S IMPORTANTTO TALK ABOUTALCOHOL NOW

One of the big decisions your childmay face, even at this age, is how tosay no to alcohol. The statistics make itclear that your involvement is essential.Why? Government data indicates thatunderage drinking continues to betroubling issue:

About 10.7 million Americans aged 12to 20—almost a third of underage kids—say they consume alcohol, according tothe 2003 National Survey on Drug Useand Health.That same study found that older teens are more likely to drink: 36 percentby the time they’re 17.

What’s worse, 65 percent of kidsunder the age of 21 who say they drinksay they get alcohol from family andfriends. That means they get it from theirparents, their friends’ parents, or olderfriends and siblings. Make no mistake:Tweens know what’s going on, andthey’re more than just a little curiousabout it. So before they’re presentedwith the opportunity, it’s critical to givethem the information they need to makethe right decision.“They see it as something exciting,”explains Anthony Wolf, a clinical psychol-ogist and author of

Get Out of My Life,But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?

“Alcohol is forbidden. It’s anew experience. They’re at an age wherethey think they’re prepared to take morerisks. They have an internal mandate notto see themselves as little kids.”Not all kids take such risks, of course.But fitting in with their peers is becomingparamount. As your budding adolescentgets older, the chances that she’ll beexposed to alcohol increase. What to do?

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Give her the information and supportshe needs to avoid it. Right now she’sdeveloping her self-image and long-termhabits, so you want her to feel positiveabout herself and make healthy choices.

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Let her know she can talk to you aboutanything. When she does, try to Ask,Listen, Learn.

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Give her lots of love and praise.

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Plan family activities.

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Make sure she’s not left bored andunattended.At this age, adolescents begin to gettheir first taste of unsupervised time,which means they may have opportuni-ties to experiment with alcohol at homeor at a friend’s house. But studies showthat when families are involved in theirchildren’s lives—providing consistent rulesand supervision—adolescents feel moreemotionally supported and are significantlyless likely to drink.

WHAT YOUR CHILDNEEDSTO KNOWABOUT ALCOHOL

help them say

For more information visit www.asklistenlearn.com/parents

WHEN AND HOWTO DISCUSS IT

Whether your child raises it or youbroach the subject of drinking, when itdoes come up, make your views utterlyclear. Your tween may no longer parrotyour opinions the way he once did, buthe still very much cares what you think.

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Take advantage of daily opportunitiesto talk—without clobbering your childwith your opinions.

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Use a current newspaper article orrecent event about alcohol as a wayor raising the issue.

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Give your reaction to these examples.

Ask

your child for his.

Listen

carefully,and don’t criticize his answers. Make it adiscussion, not an argument.

Learn

fromeach other.“Kids need to know that if they speakopenly, they won’t regret it,” says PaulColeman, a psychologist, family therapist,and author of

How to Say It to Your Kids

.“They don’t want to be talked down to.Eliminate comments like ‘How couldyou think that way? What made yousay such a thing?’”If your child thinks you’re interrogatinghim, he’ll clam up. But if he knows thatit’s okay to talk—even disagree—aboutdifficultissues, he’ll be less likely to tuneout your opinion.Tweens are undergoing many emo-tional and physical changes, and they’refascinated by how their bodies andminds operate. So give your child plentyof information about how alcohol affectsher physiologically. You don’t have todeliver a science report, but tell herabout alcohol’s impact on a young person:

In some situations alcohol reducesinhibitions, leading to a wide range of risky situations.

In other cases, usually in larger amounts, it can act as a depressant, potentially leading to sleep, comas, and even death.

Physically, alcohol affects many of thebody’s organs and systems. It can irritatethe stomach lining, make people losetheir balance, throw up, and becomeunable to focus or speak clearly.

In rare circumstances an overdose—known as alcohol poisoning—can kill.

Emotionally, it can make young peoplestressed, angry, and violent.

Mentally, it can interfere with normal brain development.

It affects learning and memory, slowsreactions, and often makes kids loseinterest in getting good grades and staying in school.

Drinking too much over a long period of time can damage majororgans,including the liver, pancreas, kidneys,and bone marrow.

Never assume that one “big conversa-tion” will do the trick. Studies show thatwhile 76 percent of parents say they’vediscussed the dangers of underagedrinking with their kids, just a little over athird of kids—only 36 percent—remem-ber these talks.“You need to have these conversa-tions over and over, because kids meetnew situations as they get older,” saysColeman. True, your child’s eyes mayglaze over, or she may accuse you ofharping. “It’s okay to admit to your childthat you may not be saying the rightthings,” he says. “Tell her that alcohol useamong kids is scary for parents, and

“You need tohave theseconversationsover and over,because kidsmeet newsituations asthey get older,”says Coleman.

It’s almost inevitable that at somepoint your child will have to say“yes” or “no” to alcohol. He may betaken by surprise when it happens.He may be trying hard to fit in with acool crowd. He’ll have trouble think-ing up good responses from scratch.That’s why he needs to have someanswers at the ready.“Kids shouldn’t go into lengthy orweak-sounding explanations,” saysPaul Coleman. “Answers like ‘I don’tthink that’s a good idea…. My par-ents wouldn’t like it….’ invite adebate, and your child’s resolve mayweaken if the other person keeps tryingto talk him into a drink.”The best strategy, says Coleman, isto practice short, direct replies: “Noway! That’s crazy. My parents willground me for a month.” If a childkeeps saying no, according toColeman, he’s not as likely to be pres-sured as much or as regularly.Anthony Wolf points out that sayingno immediately makes kids differentfrom many of their peers—exactlywhat most adolescents don’t want.“Drinking or not drinking is one of the things that separates kids oncethey get into adolescence,” he says.“None of the things they say willcompletely work, if their aim is thatthose words

won’t

set them apart.” If your child does turn away from kidswho drink, realize that he may needextra emotional support from you.

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We’ve created some information and activities to help your child learnmore about why alcohol and kids don’t mix. Have your child log on towww.asklistenlearn.com.

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You’ll find a list of resources that will provide lots of additional informationabout kids and alcohol by logging on to www.asklistenlearn.com/parents.