From Irritable Male to Run-Away Husband:Anatomy of a Mid-life Marriage MeltdownBy Jed Diamond, Ph.D.Contact Information:Jed@MenAlive.comWebsite:www.MenAlive.comI look forward to your comments, questions, and feedback.When I wrote
The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 KeyCauses of Aggression and Depression
, the primary impetus was to help mid-lifemarriages survive and thrive. As a psychotherapist who has been helping men, and thewomen who love them, for the last 44 years, I was saddened to see so many relationshipsfall apart just at the time when the couple should be enjoying the benefits of their manyyears together.
I would get hundreds of letters like the following, mostly from women, who were blind-sided by their husband’s behavior:
Dear Dr. Diamond,I wish I had learned about your book a year ago. It might have saved our marriage. His personality began to change from my funny, loving Dr. Jekyll into an angry,resentful, and controlling Mr. Hyde. He grew increasingly angry with me and seemed towithdraw from our marriage spending most of the time when he got home from work,including dinner time, in his home office or at the neighborhood bars until well after 1 A.M.Simultaneously, he was constantly criticizing me for the things he once used tocompliment me on. He treated me like a child in a crowded store, scolding me in public for bumping into someone who, instead, walked into me. When I expressed a desire to goback to school and then work, he said that he didn't understand why I couldn't be happy staying home doing housework all day. Since it was an every day exercise in futility, I just couldn't be happy staying home, especially if I was going to be slapped in the facewith a bunch of criticism and anger. No matter what I did to try and make things better,they continued to get worse. I don’t understand how this happened. We had everything going for us: A long-termmarriage, three great children, good jobs, and enough money to enjoy retirement. Nowit’s all fallen apart. I hope others can get help before it’s too late. Julie.”
What Is Irritable Male Syndrome?I define Irritable Male Syndrome as follows:
A state of hypersensitivity, anxiety,frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemicalchanges, hormonal imbalances, stress, and loss of male identity.
Working with males (and those who live with them) that are experiencing IMS I havefound there are four core symptoms and four key causes of IMS. Let’s look more closely.Core Symptoms of IMS1.
Hypersensitivity.
The women who live these men say things like:“I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells when I’m around him.”“I never know when I’m going to say something that will set him off.”“He’s like time bomb ready to explode but I never know when.”“Nothing I do ever pleases him.”“When I ask him what’s wrong, he bites my head off.”“He’ll change in an eye-blink. One minute he’s warm and friendly. The next he’scold and mean.”The men don’t often recognize their own hypersensitivity. Rather their perceptionis that they are fine but everyone else is going out of their way to irritate them. Theguys say things like:“Quit bothering me.”“Leave me alone.”“I’m NOT IRRITABLE.”
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From Irritable Male to Run Away Husband: Anatomy of a Mid-life Marriage Meltdown
When I wrote The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Aggression and Depression, the primary impetus was to help mid-life marriages survive and thrive. As a psychotherapist who has been helping…
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