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The Last Word 12/2013

The Last Word 12/2013

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Published by Tim Brown
This ish talks about the 'Fiend Folio', the $100,000 booger, and more!
This ish talks about the 'Fiend Folio', the $100,000 booger, and more!

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Published by: Tim Brown on Dec 10, 2013
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03/22/2014

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 he Last Word
Issue #471December 2013
Fool folio
My uproarious Dungeons & Dragons campaign has progressed over the past month, because that’s what intelligent 40-year-olds spend every minute of their free time doing !ach character advanced to level " not long after we ambushed a gray oo#e, which had tried to slime us as if we were $eorge %tephanopoulosool people find humor in many Dungeony and'or Dragony things (’ll never forget the original
 Monster  Manual 
, whose cover art featured an assortment of critters who would never be found in such close pro)imity to each other in a real D&D campaign*let alone behaving in the manner in which they’re depicted +he most visible monster in this bunch was a huge, red, winged dragon that looed lie the ersey Devil swooping down from the sy*preparing to claw to shards a monster that had a horse’s body and a man’s head resembling Michael McDonald +he humanoid’s face bore no e)pression as he brandished a club*as if the club was any match for the flying dragon.ut
 Monster Manual 
 was lie chewing unflavored gum base compared to the hilarious
 Fiend  Folio
/pparently there was a later
 Fiend Folio
 that was nothing lie the original*but the original is the one ( now and love %adly, it went plumb out of print early in the life of D&D
 Fiend Folio
 was perhaps the most  bi#arre collection of monsters ever to fill any published boo ne website  provides a raning of
 Fiend Folio
’s goofiest monsters, and topping the list is a taling 1ellyfish that flew through the air and farted(t attaced by s2uirting a diarrhea-lie goo on opponents
 Fiend Folio
 also included a monster called an enveloper that looed 1ust lie the 3illsbury Doughboy or my assistant principal in middle school
 Fiend Folio
 lied referring to itself as a tome of creatures malevolent and benign5 (f the monsters are so benign5, why do they appear in the monster encounter tables to  be slain67e can use the D&D format to create new monsters 7e can call this wor
 Fool Folio
 /mong the many foolish creatures in it would be one called the randpaul*modeled after the plagiari#ing %en 8and 3aul ne method of attac the randpaul has is the filibuster, which has the same effect as a sleep spell /nother attac method he has is to complain about his toilets being broen, which can cause opponents to die from laughter +he randpaul also has henchmen who stomp on adversaries’ heads7e can also develop a monster called a ricscott, based on 9lorida’s fascist $ov 8ic %cott .ut when characters see him, they might mistae him for a stone giant(’m one of these fols who’s interested in the mechanics of things +he mechanics of Dungeons & Dragons can be adapted to any number of homespun, build-it-yourself role-playing games that you might hatch :ou can probably even find something to use the ;"-sided dice for, which (’ve yet to employ in my current D&D  promenade !ven my current band of D&D characters can be plugged into situations uncustomary for D&D /nd ( bet D&D has guidelines for creating a city, which (’m sure has an inn <(f you’ve read my wor long enough, you now what’s coming=7hat’s the challenge in a D&D campaign lie mine in which the characters will inevitably become invincible6 ( dig this method of gaming because of the life sills it teaches (t sharpens my acuity at dealing with
 
real-life situations >o, (’m not going to be slaying monsters and hoarding 1avelins in real life .ut my rediscovery of Dragons & Dungeons has highlighted nature’s commandment to humanity to build a republic of good +he treasures my D&D characters collect will be used to banroll larger pro1ects in this fantasy world*the mechanics of which can inspire a real-world community
More Outlook.com funtimes!
+he utloocom plot thicens?(n my previous ish, ( told you of how Microsoft’s utloocom has been losing e-mails (’ve been supposed to receive by wrongly maring them as spam5*and how they’ve been telling me to add every conceivable address to my safe senders list if ( want e-mail from them/ month ago, ( was still missing e-mails*as many did not even reach my 1un folder .ut now (’ve made another discovery@ !ven adding senders to my safe senders list doesn’t stop utloo from losing their e-mails7hat’s more, people who have tried to e-mail me have told me that their e-mails to me have bounced utloo returns their e-mails as undeliverable .ut (’ve also discovered that sometimes the e-mails are never returned*so the sender doesn’t even now ( don’t receive them:et the big technology story for the past " months has been the broen5 bamacare website that actually wors flawlesslyMeanwhile, (’m noticing on utloo’s support forum that other people are complaining about the e)act same thing (’ve been e)periencing utloo does of course blame the victim in response, saying they must have toyed with the other settings in their e-mail program <in addition to the settings previously implicated= /nd now, utloo is telling people to contact the (%3’s of people trying to send them e-mails*even though these (%3’s are having no trouble whatsoever delivering to places other than utloo ne utloo support genius told a user, +hey are the one who can address your issue properly because your utloocom account is woring fine5* although it was not woring fine5 +his prompted another user who was having the same issues to declare that utloo hadn’t done anything e)cept dance around the problem5+hen, utloo went bac to s2uare one and told everyone to chec their 1un folders*even though everyone had already long ago made it clear that the missing e-mails weren’t even getting that far >ow the plot is thicening even more utloo’s babblings have 1ust come crashing down, as a user has found a notice on another website in which Microsoft brags of using a system called %mart%creen*which filters so-called spam5 before it even reaches your 1un folder
 A-ha!
 >ow we’ve got an e)planation? +his after utloo denied doing anything lie this(n addition to arbitrarily blocing e-mails, an unrelated utloo hassle has emerged@ 3eople are also complaining that utloo is losing their archives of received e-mails <some of them irreplaceable= that date bac
 
for years utloo’s response is that their accounts have gone inactive, even though these users chec their accounts daily 7hen one complainant pointed out that they never consented to have utloo erase their e-mails, a forum moderator boasted that Microsoft’s user agreement lets Microsoft unilaterally change the terms of the agreement at any time +hen what’s the point of even having an agreement6 Aow can it can be an agreement when only one side agrees67here’s +he Media6 <(n the toilet=
 You thre  "lue t me...
“You threw a glue at me...Baby...You threw a  glue at me...” —to the tune of “You Dropped  A Bomb On Me”
all this story the !lmer’s trilogy, if you will <or if you won’t=*B glue-related mishaps that all occurred right around the same time in my youth </nd right when the $ap .and song was popular?=(’m not referring to the time in school when a +C set got ruined when the dust cover got glued to the screen +hat was later +he e)act order of this trio of narratives has been lost, but a couple of them have to do with childhood sibling s2uabbles(n one such incident, ( was chased down the hallway at home, causing me to smash into the shower door in the bathroom $uess who was re2uired to pay for the glue to repair the broen piece*even though it wasn’t even my fault6/nother occurred one evening when ( got in a disagreement with my brother and he threw a bottle of !lmer’s at me +he bottle didnt rupture or spill, but it came dangerously close to hitting me in the noggin f course, the oldsters blamed me when ( complained that my brother threw a glue at me5+hat utterance is a ey element of the story 7hen ( called it a glue5, it was lie how people tal about a beer5 or a oe5 $lue, beer, and soft drins are li2uids*not solids that can be
ounted 
 *so ( 1ust thought it was funny to call it a glue5+he third item in this troia involves one of my earliest forays into Dungeons & Dragons ( devised a very basic D&D-style campaign in which the battles were carried out on a sheet of noteboo paper +his was bac in the days of the D&D basic set, which was about lie the 7al /long %esame %treet of D&D ( had one sheet of paper that held the facts and figs for the entire campaignne evening, my family and ( went out on a shopping outing, and when we came bac, ( noticed somebody had dumped an entire bottle of !lmer’s on my sheet of paper %uffice it to say, it was ru +he mystery was@ 7hodunit6 7hytheydunit6 (t appeared to have happened while nobody was home e)cept the dog, and (’m certain he didn’t leap up onto the des and do it +his meant somebody did it right when we left and ( didn’t notice it right away$uess who got blamed6 +he ruinment of this important document was considered
my
 fault, because ( let5 somebody place a full bottle of glue near it*which could conceivably tip over*and because ( didn’t chec to see if the last person who used the glue put the cap on tightly enough%o it was
my
 1ob to police everybody else’s uncheced carelessness6

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