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The Post Breakup NO List

The Post Breakup NO List

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Published by: quoctram120 on Aug 27, 2009
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05/18/2012

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The Post-Breakup No-No List 
June, 2007 by
Susan J. Elliott
 
Posted by Tracie T. Nguyen 
More on No-Nos
 If you’re trying to get over a breakup there are things you
SHOULD
bedoing:
you should be taking care of yourself, you should beeating right, sleeping, exercising; you should be affirmingyourself every single day and building that self esteem
; youshould be finding support and new friends and interests. You should bewriting in your journal and figuring out goals and where you go fromhere. That is how you get where you are going (to a GREAT life!). BUTthere are things that are
NO NOs
if you want to get there.These can be tough to swallow if we’re used to acting out and doingwhatever the heck our feelings tell us to do. But it’s time fora
CHANGE
.
It’s time to be a mature, healthy person who hasself-control and self-restraint and MOST OF ALL—-SELFRESPECT!
 Taking care of YOU and avoiding common entanglements with your exare KEY to having a happy and healthy future with someone muchbetter.They might be a bit tough to swallow and hard NOT to do, but they arethe key to feeling better, faster.
DIS-ENTANGLE
. You will thankyourself later for it.
We’ve talked about being friends with the ex: NO.
We’ve talkedabout all these at one time or another but here they are again, moreclassic entries on the No No list
The No-Contact Rule
 The most important no-no is
No Contact.
In this technological age, itis easy to reach out and touch someone. But that does not mean that
 
you should or that it’s a good thing because when you are trying to getover a breakup, it’s not. Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve even if the relationship was the worst relationship in the world. Don’t let yourgrief cause you to second guess your feelings. Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it.Youdon’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person.Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will seem like it temporarilyalleviates the pain.But it does not really alleviate it; it just postponesthe inevitable. If you have children, treat it like a business relationship. No dramaticscenes, no using the children as pawns and no carrying on in front of the children. Read the “Children and Breakups” Chapter and startacting like an adult. Other than exchanges about the children, the “nocontact” rule applies. 
The No-“I have to have closure” Rule
 The first rule about “closure” is to stop saying the word. It’s ameaningless word and is often bandied about as an excuse to stay intouch with the ex. What happens at the end of grieving is bestdescribed as “acceptance” or “integration” or “reorganization” but it’snot described as closure.You can’t “get” closure, you can’t insist onclosure.
Closure happens when you least expect it,when yourealize you’ve done your work and moved on, and it happensfrom inside you.
 You don’t’ need to know what your ex thinks or why you ex did a, b, orc to move on. If you want closure you need to do your grief work,integrate the experience into your life and turn the page. 
Your “closure” is your responsibility.
You get closure by doing yourwork, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff.You get closure
 
by keeping yourself safe,
being good to yourself and un-attachingfrom that which you have been attached.
 The only closure you can hope for is the closure that comes frominside you.
The person who hurt you cannot give you closure
, norshould you want them to or expect them to or give them that kind of power. You need to move on from where you are for you. 
Closure is part emotional work and part decision
. At some pointyou need to turn the page and decide it’s over. Closure is your dealand yours alone. When you’ve done the grief work, worked throughyour inventories and made a decision to move on, that is closure.Closure happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it fromwithin, never from without. 
The “No Trying To Make Sense of It All” Rule
 
During the breakup, there is usually some inclination to “set the record straight” or to confront the ex on all the stupid things that he or shesaid to you. You might not understand where this breakup came from.You might not understand how that last fight led to “it’s over”. Youmight think you did nothing wrong and you are the best thing that ever happened to your ex. This all seems wrong and unnecessary. Youmight think back on the relationship and realize your ex said that youwere the best thing ever and how much you were loved. Then it wasover. Your head reels with incomprehension. How could this be? How could this person say A one day and B the next day? What is really going on with them? Is it something else and they are taking it out onme? How do they think this breakup is going to be a good thing? Youmight think that if you can just talk some sense into your ex, all will bealright.
 
The temptation to set the record straight is a strong one. After abreakup there are usually a lot of “why”s. Your ex may have said things that do not make any sense to you. You may have heard illogical or un-reasoned explanations that go round and round in your 

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