14 [Park Chanyeol] Struggling Fish

Like a fish in your palms. It will struggle with all its might if you grab onto it tightly. But if you let it go and place it back into the river, it will swim away to an unknown direction. Trying hard to restrain, but you cant just let it go on its own. Such futile efforts and feeling of helplessness. This heart of mine. This hidden and obscure feeling of mine. --Its because of that person. Hes actually a few months older than I am, but he was born with such a small frame; he sings so well, but I rarely hear him speak to me; hes very afraid of pain, but he forcefully restrains himself from letting out sounds when I torture him. Im clearly supposed to hate you, Im clearly supposed to despise you, from head to toe, but No matter how I try to reason with myself, the sentences in my heart will always swerve to another direction, forming a rushed and unknown twist. Just like the fish which disappears in the water. How long exactly did it take, for me to understand? The feeling of annoyance when you are around, the disregard of your existence like a stubborn child, the more I am attracted, the more I wanted to destroy your tenacity and your resistance. In my eyes, you still are the horrible jerk who isnt worthy of anyones liking, or anyones love. You still are the unforgivable jerk who committed the biggest sin on the one I love. Now, youve turned into someone who gets into relationships with just any other man, someone who has sex with just any other man. Thinking that you have moaned and pleasured beneath someone else, makes me furious. So much that I wanted to kill you. So, Im trying hard to restrain, working hard to tolerate. With you like this, how could you be worthy of anyones liking? But actually. Did you know, Byun Baekhyun. Actually ---

In the following few months, it will only be the four of you promoting. And, we temporarily wont be having group promotions. The company will arrange things for you guys, you might be taking lessons or taking on drama scripts. Alright, thats it, you may all go. Manager Jang and Tae Shin Hyung engaged in a conversation as they left the conference room, leaving the rest of us frozen at our spots. Baekhyun hyung, whats wrong with him? Sehun was the first to wrap his head around the situation. I felt a strange panic in my heart, as if I was forced by someone to face something that Ive been trying desperately to ignore. Chanyeol hyung, wasnt it you who brought Baekhyun hyung to the hospital? Sehun asked, What exactly is wrong with him? Luhan Hyung and Kyungsoo looked over as well. I dont know I mumbled to myself. I called but he didnt answer, looks like hes still in the hospitalI thoughthe already returned to the apartment, and would be all fine, like last timeLuhan muttered, his tone contained a bit of self-blame. Weve had schedules these few days, and didnt have time, Kyungsoo patted Luhan Hyungs shoulders comfortingly, Lets just go visit him. Chanyeol, you know which hospital ward Baekhyun is in right? I nodded. I know. I know hes sick, I know he vomited blood, I know which hospital ward he stayed in. But despite so, I still felt so clueless. The only clear image in my brain was his pale face from yesterday. It mustve been very painful, during then. --When we pushed open the door, Byun Baekhyun was sitting quietly on the ward bed. The whitewashed hospital ward felt slightly warm from the rays of the setting sun, but the image contained a hint of sadness. The person sitting amidst the rays turned around to look at us in shock. Why didyou all come. Why are you speaking so weakly. This jerk, why did you turn so weak. How useless. I stood at the end, restraining my emotions, and followed them into the room. Baekhyun, what happened to you? Luhan Hyung asked anxiously before even fixing himself by the bed. Byun Baekhyun looked at us, Tae Shin Hyung didnt tell you?

We only just had a meeting, he said you wouldnt be having work for the next few months. What exactly happened? Are you very sick? Byun Baekhyun quietly watched the anxious Luhan Hyung for a moment, and suddenly smiled. Am I not fine right now. Then why They said I have gastric flu, I probably have togo for surgery. Surgery? Sehun asked, shocked, it is very bad? No, Im perfectly fine right now you see? He was still smiling, along with some hint of apology, Sorry, I made you guys worry. Dont say thatwhen will you be discharged? Tomorrow morning. About the surgery, Im still waiting for it to be scheduled. I dont know why but somehow, it felt as if my clenched heart was released all of a sudden. Just like this feeling, I let out a sigh in relief without realising it myself. So actually, you arent very sick. So what the hell are you doing right now? Do you still plan to use your pitiful state to gain the pity of the members, and forgive the malicious and horrible person you once were? I continued to stand at the end, coldly watching the seemingly warm and happy scene. After speaking for some time, the three said their goodbyes and were preparing to leave. I stood rooted at my place. Luhan Hyung pulled me, feeling my strangeness. Chanyeol, we should go. You guys go first, I have something to say to him. I told Luhan, eyes still looking at the person sitting on the bed. Hearing my sentence, that jerk looked over fearfully. Ha, looks like youre afraid of me. Luhan Hyung pulled at me worriedly again, Baekhyun needs to rest, lets just Hyung, are you also afraid that I would do something to that guy if we were alone. I wont stay for long, you guys should go first. I interrupted. Luhan Hyung looked at us each of us helplessly. Finally letting go of me, he left the hospital with Sehun and Kyungsoo. The hospital door closed softly. The whole ward was soundless.

I continued standing at my place and looked at him expressionlessly from a distance away. Not knowing what to do, he lowered his head and started toying with his own fingers. He coughed softly out of awkwardness. The silence lasted for some time, and he finally couldnt stand it anymore. do you want to eat an apple, He reached his hand towards the cupboard by the bed and took out an apple from one of the bags. Then handed it to me. The IV drip tube connected to him arm swayed along with his movements. I cant eat anything right now, but do you want to eat it? It looks pretty sweet No, I answered coldly, I dislike dirty things. Just as I expected, he immediately froze and stared emptily at his hand holding the apple. I see, He awkwardly replied and placed the apple back to its original place. He lowered his head and stopped speaking. I laughed coldly. I wasnt wrong right? Byun Baekhyun. Thinking of your hand, your mouth your body - who knew what you did with that Wu Yifan bastard, thinking of it makes me sick. Hearing these, his body shuddered a little involuntarily. So arent you extremely dirty? You jerk. I tilted my head to the side, looking at him interestingly this person right now is unable to lift his head out of shame from my teasing. I bent forward, one hand placed at the side of his body to support myself, the other hand reached upwards to pull up his chin. Look at me. I commanded. He shrunk a little, afraid of my touch. In the end, he decided to face his fate and looked at me, face still filled with his disgusting innocence. Tell me, whats you and Wu Yifan? He opened his mouth, but couldnt give me an answer, his eyes lowered. Look at me, I growled in a low voice. Commanding him to do so again, I put in more force on the hand I used to grab his chin. He frowned a little, carefully lifting his gaze to look at me. How many men have you fucked exactly? Huh? A lot? I alone wasnt enough to satisfy you, huh? Nono one else... His face turned paler as he answered quietly.

No one else? I laughed out of anger, So what is Wu Yifan to you. I Youve got nothing to say huh? I laughed coldly, and shook my hand off to let go of him. His body fell to the side and immediately grabbed onto the bed railing for support. Sluts like you deserve to die. I said as I turned to walk away towards the door. The moment my hand grabbed onto the door handle, his voice came from behind me. Chanyeol. He called my name softly. I stopped my footsteps, but I didnt turn around. if, if Im dead, will you be glad? It sounded like words out of anger, but his tone was serious. My heart started to panic all of a sudden without a reason. But I rearranged my emotions, and answered coldly. Of course. After a moment of silence, I heard his voice again, as if a tired sigh. I understand. I paused a little but chose to ignore it. Afterwards, I left the room, slamming the door shut behind me. After I left, my heart became more panicked from those previous words. Whats wrong with me. Park Chanyeol, whats wrong with you. -- Like a fish in my palm. I let it go. And it still ended up swimming to a place I cant see. ---

Original author: Translator: chanbaek-xoxo.tumblr.com