Fat Boy vs.

the Cheerleaders by Geoff Herbach

Sourcebooks Fire

MEMORANDUM
From: Henry P. Rodriguez, Attorney at Law Submitted To: Se enth !i"trict #ourt, $tter #ounty Re: #a"e %o. &'()*+&,Gardener et a- . .LA /nde0endent Schoo- !i"trict SH$RTL1 23F$R3 ./!%/GHT $% 45%3 &), GA2R/3L 4$H%S$%, A S/6T33%713AR7 $L! FR$. ./%%38$TA, .%, 9AS APPR3H3%!3! $5TS/!3 #52 F$$!S 21 $FF/#3R R36 .c#$1. 4$H%S$% P$SS3SS3! :&'.') /% S.ALL 2/LLS A%! #HA%G3, 9H/#H H3 #$%F/R.3! HA! 233% R3.$;3! FR$. TH3 ;3%!/%G .A#H/%3 AT ./%%38$TA LA83 AR3A H/GH S#H$$L. P$L/#3 S5GG3ST3! TH3 ALL3G3! R$223R1 9AS R3LAT3! T$ A LARG3R #$%FL/#T /%;$L;/%G ASSA5LT, ;A%!AL/S., A%! !3FA.AT/$% $F #HARA#T3R THAT HAS #$.3 T$ 23 8%$9% AS TH3 SP5%8 R/;3R 9AR. TH3 F$LL$9/%G TRA%S#R/PT /S GA2R/3L<S ;3R2AT/. A##$5%T, R3#$R!3! /% A #$%F3R3%#3 R$$. AT TH3 ./%%38$TA P$L/#3 !3PART.3%T 23T933% &= A... A%! ):(= P... $% 45%3 &>. 93 S52./T TH/S !$#5.3%T AS #$%T36T F$R TH3 A2$;3 %$T3! #AS3. TH3R3 /S A SP3#/F/# H5.A% #$ST 9H3% TH$S3 /% P$93R 9/3L! P$93R ARR$GA%TL1. TH/S #AS3 S5PP$RTS A T33%AG3R<S F/GHT F$R !/G%/T1, $PP$RT5%/T1, A%! FA/R%3SS.

#ha0ter &
Ri00ing off the 0o0 machine -a"t night wa"n<t meant to be funny. /t wa" my duty to a-- the gee?", burner" and oddba--" in "choo-, becau"e that machine "uc?". Robbing it wa" "eriou" bu"ine"", o?ay@ 9hy are you -aughing, .r. Rodriguez@ / did it my"e-f. / robbed the machine a-- by my"e-f. There were "hee0 in the "choo- thi" morning@ Rea- "hee0@ How,@ $h, wait, / remember now. / mu"t< e -et them in there by accident. 9hoo0". Li?e, -eft the door o0en after / robbed the machine and a-- tho"e "hee0 wandered in by them"e- e". %o, it<" not funny, "ir. Rea--y. /<m te--ing you, /<m the one who "to-e the money. /t wa" eighteen do--ar", but / -o"t a Auarter when $fficer .c#oy roughed me u0. Loo? at my chinB / ha e "cra0e" a-- o er my "tomach and ?nee", too. That "tu0id 0o0 machine. Stu0id 0o0B /t a-- "tarted with that "tu0idC 1eah / hate that machineB For "o many rea"on". For in"tance, in .ay, me, 4u"tin #orne-- and #ami--e Gardener did thi" 0o0 "tudy for hea-th c-a"". The "tudy wa" #ami--e<" idea, becau"e "he turned into a hea-th nut when her dad "tarted organic farming -a"t year Dthey grew -i?e two tomatoe" and a one giant zucchini,they<re not the be"t farmer"E. Anyway, out of #ami--e<" concern for "tudent hea-th, "he got u" to "tudy u"age of the 0o0 machine, her theory being that unhea-thy ?id" wou-d be the hea ie"t u"er". 2ig, bad "tudy, "ir. .r. Lu?en, our Hea-th teacher, ga e u" 0a""e" to hang out in the cafeteria a-- day. 9e made a chart of Foc?", brain", mu"ic gee?", gamer", burner", and Gother"H D"ad "ac?" who are hard to categorize becau"e they ha e no "ocia- connection" to anyoneE and we too? note of who 0urcha"ed a 0roduct from the 0o0 machine and what "0ecific 0roduct they 0urcha"ed. A-mo"t nobody 0aid attention to u" whi-e we too? note". $n-y a cou0-e "aid "tuff -i?e, G9hat are you "taring at, dor?"@H Seth Se--er", a Foc?, made fart "ound" when he "aw me. Thi" 0o0 0roFect wa" eye7o0ening, "ir.

After "choo- that day, me, #ami--e and 4u"tin went to 2itterroot #offee Sho0 down on .ain Street to ta--y thing" u0. G%ic?, Gamer, 0urcha"ed three Pe0"i" in four hour",H 4u"tin "aid. G8endra, Burner, four different 0o0" in fi e hour",H #ami--e "aid. GShe<" 0retty o erweight,H 4u"tin "aid. G%ot a" big a" Tiff, Other, who bought four bott-e" of Sierra .i"t,H #ami--e "aid. G$h Lord .other of a-- 2a--",H / "aid. #ami--e 0-ugged the data into a "0read"heet, "Auinting. 4u"tin "hoo? hi" head, "uc?ed hi" -atte and wa" a-- -i?e, G9hoa.H Then #ami--e "at bac?, "i00ed her green tea and wa" a-- -i?e, G4u"t a" / "u"0ected.H / "mi-ed and "aid, GHo-y .other of a-- 2a--", right@H / dran? a mocha with whi00ed cream, which ha" a mi--ion ca-orie", by the way. Here<" the "coo0, "ir: Purcha"er" of 0o0 at .inne?ota La?e Area High Schoo- are fat a""e", trai-er 0ar? ?id", addicted gamer", and burner chic?" who eat cigarette" for brea?fa"t. !ozen" and dozen" of the"e ?id". .o"t of them went for "econd round" -ater in the day. Some for third". A cou0-e, fourth" Dme, for in"tanceE. ;ery few Foc?" 0urcha"ed 0o0 from the machine. DSeth Se--er" bought one bott-e of Pe0"i -ate in the afternoon, "o he wa" ab-e to greet me with the aforementioned fart "ound".E Two cheer-eader" 0urcha"ed from the machine, but they both bought diet. That diet "tuff wi-- ?i-- you, but not ma?e you fat on the ca-orie". 9hat doe" that te-- you, .r. Rodriguez@ / tried not to "how my concern, but 4u"tin and #ami--e were c-ear-y concerned. G1ou drin? a -ot of 0o0, #hun?,H 4u"tin "aid. G#ou-d be 0art of the 0rob-em,H G$h, i" there a 0rob-em@H / "aid. G/ wa"n<t aware of a 0rob-emBH / "mi-ed big and rai"ed my fat mocha -i?e / wa" ma?ing a toa"t. GThere<" a 0rob-em, #hun?,H #ami--e "aid. GA big 0rob-em.H She didn<t "mi-e. She didn<t toa"t me. G/<m Fu"t "ayin<,H 4u"tin "aid. 1eah. Rea--y. A 0rob-em. / dran? a he--7ton of #ode Red .ountain !ew e ery day,four bott-e", fi e bott-e",and the on-y 0ant" that fit me were "tretchy 0ant" De-a"tic wai"tband, "irE. / ?new it, too, ?new 0o0 wa" 0art of my i""ue. 2ut, "ee, / a-"o thought it wa" 0art of my "ucce""B / wa" winning by buying a-- that 0o0B A-- the ending machine money went to fund the

bandB /<m a trombone 0-ayer, you ?now@ That<" one bada"", hi-ariou" in"trument, right@ TromboneB Awe"ome in"trument. / -o e band "o much "o / figured / wa" 0aying my"e-f by drin?ing a-- that 0o0. 9inning it huge. %o. Stu0id. The truth i", /< e gained a -oad of weight in the -a"t cou0-e of year". 8id" ca-- me fat a"", "au"age", fudge ba--", butter ba--", ca?e ba--", -ard a"", I 2utt 4ohn"on. A-- ?ind" of name". / -augh and go a-ong with it, but tho"e name" hurt my fee-ing". 3 en my "tu0id gym teacher ca--" me name"B The day after our 0o0 "tudy, / wa" de0re""ed, "o it too? me a -ong time to get to "choo-, "o / wa" -ate to gym c-a"", "o .r. .c#artney ordered me to Gorbit,H which mean" run -a0". / didn<t want to get detention D.c#artney had been threatening me with detention, becau"e / ma?e Fo?e" and /<m Auote unAuote mouthyE. So / did what / wa" to-d. 9hi-e / wa" Fogging around the gym, Seth Se--er" "houted, JP-anet turd in orbitBJ / "mi-ed. G1eah, watch out, 0-anet earth. Thi" "hit ba-- might cra"h out of the night "?yBH / fa?ed being out of contro- and wea ed off cour"e -i?e / wa" cra"hing. .c#artney got 0i""ed. GThi" i"n<t a Fo?e, #hun?,H he "aid. GThi" i" a 0uni"hment.H G$?ay,H / "aid. GSorry.H / Fogged on, but when / got to the far end of the gym, 4ane""a Roger", thi" na"ty cheer-eader, "aid, GSha?e it, #hun?B Sha?e itBH / 0uc?ered my -i0" duc?7face "ty-e and "tarted "ha?ing my a"" whi-e / Fogged. 3 erybody -aughed. 3 erybody eKce0t .c#artney. He frea?ed. 9ay out of contro-. Hi" face turned dar? red and "weat "treamed down hi" forehead. He "tarted ye--ing, J1ou wanna be a c-own, #hun?@ 1ou wanna di"ru0t my c-a""@ $h, you<re rea- hi-ariou"BH / "to00ed my a"" "ha?ing, GGod, /<m "ic? of it,H .c#artney "houted. / "to00ed Fogging a-- together. Stared at him, becau"e he wa" "creaming. 3 eryone e-"e "to00ed whac?ing their bird" Dwe were in a badminton unitE. .c#artney wa-?ed toward me fa"t. G/<m "o "ic? of your ba-oney. Sic? of your face.H G.y face@H / a"?ed, becau"e / wa" "ur0ri"ed, becau"e / a-way" thought .c#artney "ort of -i?ed me, e en if / annoyed him. G1our fat faceB Get out of my gym, you "ac? of "hit. Get your fat a"" out of here.J

3 erybody "tared. 3 erybody<" mouth hung o0en. / "wa--owed hard. Stared at .c#artney for a "econd. Then "aid, J$?ay.H / 0ut my head down and bumb-ed out of there a" fa"t a" my fat -eg" cou-d carry me. Terrib-e. Teacher erba--y a""au-t" you -i?e that@ Hey. 9hy are we ta-?ing about thi", .r. Rodriguez@ Shou-dn<t we be ta-?ing about howChow you<re going to ?ee0 me from going to Fai- or "omething@ /<m a -itt-e ner ou" about my crime. The who-e "tory, huh@ $?ay. 1ou a"?ed for it. / can ta-? fore er. Po0. The night after / wa" ?ic?ed out of gym, / 0u--ed fi e em0ty bott-e" of #ode Red .ountain !ew out of my bac?0ac? Dthere i"n<t recyc-ing at "choo-, "o / bring my em0tie" homeE. $ne bott-e didn<t ha e a ca0 on it. A -itt-e #ode Red dribb-ed out onto my bedroom rug. /t made a -itt-e "tain. / "Auinted at it and my heart beat hard. Thi" "tain reminded me of !ori" our c-eaning -ady bac? when !ad wa" trying to 0ic? u0 the 0iece" after .om hit the road D.om ran away to 4a0an whi-e / wa" in eighth grade, by the wayE. !ori" wa" a tiny o-d -ady. She "0i--ed dirty mo0 water on the car0et. She "aid, G2etter -augh than cry.H She bro?e a -am0 when "he whac?ed it off a "ide tab-e with the du"ter. G2etter -augh than cry.H Poor !ori"B She wa" terrib-e. She cou-d bare-y -ift a broom, "he wa" "o o-d. !ad had to fire her, which made him cry D"eriou" "obbing brea?down, which he did a -ot bac? thenE, but what wa" he going to do@ She 0-ugged the toi-et with #-oroK wi0e". She bro?e a who-e "et of 0-ate". She fe-- off a "too- and ri00ed down our "hower curtain. !ad had no choice. 2ut when the taKi dro00ed her off at our 0-ace on the day he actua--y fired her, he bro?e down -i?e a wea?7a"" baby. G/<m "orry,H he cried. G/<m "o "orry, !ori".H !ori" "hrugged and "mi-ed and 0ut her coat bac? on. / wa" "o ner ou" about how "he wou-d react. 9hat if !ori" cried about getting fired@ 9hat wou-d we do then@ 2ut "he didnLt "eem to care at a--. J2etter -augh than cry,J "he "aid. Then !ad dro e her home. And / eKha-ed. / re-aKed. And / thought: !ori" ha" it right, right@ 2etter -augh than cry. / don<t want to be a foo- "obbing me"" -i?e my dumb dad, who can<t dea- with hi" wife -ea ing him Dmy mom -eft me, too, and / wanted to cry, but "eriou"-y, better laugh than cryE. That became my who-e way of dea-ing.

A cou0-e year" -ater, there / wa", a"" dancing in the high "choo- ha--way whi-e Seth Se--er" moc?ed me with fart "ound". Laughing a-- the way, man. 2ut / "tared at that #ode Red "tain on my rug and my heart beat and / thought, thats not funny. For the fir"t time, "ir, it occurred to me that my tota- -ac? of dignity i" not remote-y funny. That fee-ing continued into the night. Grand0a, who you met thi" morning, mo ed in with me and !ad -a"t "ummer to he-0 u" out. He coo?" rea--y we-- and "ort of c-ean",better than !ori", / gue"". After he got too o-d to be a 0rofe""iona- body bui-der, Grand0a ran a diner in town and the dude can ma?e comfort food -i?e nobody<" bu"ine"". 1e", you heard me right, body7bui-der. 9hy are you -aughing@ 3 erybody in town ?now" about Grand0a. He wa" .r. .inne"ota &M'', .r. Rodriguez. /Lm "eriou". The -adie" -o ed him. Grand0a wa" Arno-d SchwarzeneggerL" main com0etition bac? in the day. ThatL" what he to-d me and / be-ie e him. Long "tory "hort, "ir, that night Grand0a coo?ed u0 "ome "tea?" and a bunch of mu"hroom" in butter "auce and ma"hed 0otatoe" and green bean" and fiKed u" "a-ad". The dea- i" / ne er ate the green bean" or the "a-ad 0art. / doub-ed u0 on ma"hed 0otatoe", becau"e oh ba--", ye", do / -o e the awe"ome f-a or of my grand0aL" cream chee"e infu"ed ma"hed 0otatoe". 9hi-e / wa" "uc?ing down the 0otatoe", Grand0a "tared at me. He "aid, J2oy, the -ac? of roughage in your diet account" for that big gut of your".H / -oo?ed u0, "tared bac? at Grand0a<" 0inched face. / remembered .r. .c#artney ca--ing me a fat a"" in gym. .y heart "an?. .y chin Aui ered. J2ig gut@J / a"?ed. J1ou heard me,J he "aid. / "wa--owed hard, thought / might cry, becau"e a-- the"e name"C 2ut then my !ori" 0hi-o"o0hy ?ic?ed in. / "aid, G/<m out of hereBH / 0ut the re"t of the 0otatoe" in my mouth,a giant wad,Fum0ed u0 from my chair and a""7danced out of the dining room. GSure -o e the "0ud", don<t ya, ya #hun?,H Grand0a ca--ed after me. GHa ha haBH my dad -aughed. 2ac? down"tair" in my room, / "tared at the "tain again. What the hell is so funny? Am I really just a joke? / 0ictured !ori"<" Aui ery arm" and un"teady gaze and her wrin?-ed o-d face.

Then it hit meB Oh man, / thought. Cra ! "oure not #oris, you i$iot. Tota- rea-ization, "ir. !ori" cou-dn<t he-0 it that "he wa" "o o-d. 9hat wa" "he going to do@ #ry about -i ing "o -ong "he no -onger had contro- of her body@ 2etter -augh than cry ma?e" "en"e for her. /, on the other hand, ha e a choice. /<m a 0owerfu- young buc?. A"" dancing i"n<t the on-y o0tion, right@ !on<t get me wrong, "ir, / -i?e being funny. 2ut / don<t -i?eC 1ou a"?ed for itB The who-e "toryB Thi" tota--y ha" to do with the 0o0 machine. See, / wa" a-ready 0retty crabby that -a"t wee? of "choo-. 2ecau"e / tried to -imit my #ode Red inta?e to three bott-e" a day, becau"e / didn<t want to be a ictim anymore, didn<t want to Fu"t -augh it a-- off. / wanted to do "omething for my"e-f. /<d become de0endent on the "ugar and caffeine in the frea?ing 0o0, o?ay@ 4u"tin and #ami--e both commented on my bad mood. G9hy "o "ad@H 4u"tin a"?ed whi-e dri ing me to "choo-. GSomeone hit you with the "ad "tic?@H #ami--e a"?ed during chemi"try. G2ah,H / re0-ied to both of them. GScrew e erything.H See@ / wa" a-ready e o- ing the attitude that cau"ed me to become the crimina- / am today. Then, 9edne"day that -a"t wee? of "choo- we had the fir"t tiny e ent of what ha" "ince come to be ?nown a" the S0un? Ri er 9ar. 9hat a "tu0id name. S0un?. That<" a bonehead name. Sure thing, "ir. Go ahead and get coffee. /<-- be here when you get bac?. %ot -i?e / can go anywhere.