DUCK STONER: by Kilgore Trout

In the backwoods o a swa!"# a !an with a giant beard s"ots one Newt $ingrich# who is hunting with so!e gun lobbyists% Setting the scene# Newt looks like El!er &udd as he drudges in tight orange 'est and big boy ca!ou lage "ants his wi e got hi! ro! Nei!en (arcus% )unting with !en is so!ething "ri!ordial# but these were not ca'e !en# but !en with !oney% *ig !oney% The !en ro! head o sales# and his 'ice "resident o "ro!otions o S!ith + Tesson had large "iles o cash or a lobbyist as they entered into the swa!"s o ,ouisiana% -*oy# you guys are great gi'ing !e all that !oney or your righteous cause% I certainly will u"hold the right to bear ar!s%. /s they enter the swa!"# Newt is scared# as he nor!ally 'iews wildli e ro! the co! ortable "lat or! o a sa e ce!ent "ad in0 ront o a 1oo window% / giant si1e ly lies into Newt2s ace# and he ires his shotgun wildly% Chuck Norris )eston# the 'ice0"resident o !arketing# "ees in his "ants while saying: -3esus )% Christ# Newt you are !ore trigger ha""y than Cheney# now cool it and stay cal!%. -Sorry guys# I tri""ed% This re!inds o the ti!es I was ighting the $ooks in 4ietna!% The terrain 5ust !ade !e ha'e a lashback% . *oth the S!ith Tesson !en shake their heads in disgust# as they already know that Newt ne'er ser'ed a day in his li e in the (ilitary and carries his wea"on like it was ucking rench "oodle%

Ironically# Newt would be acing an ene!y who had the Christian $od on his side and whose con'ictions were as strong as the 4ietcong that he had a'oided !eeting in co!bat% $od2s !ost holy o Christians6 one 7hil Robertson was taking a break with his brothers ro! their T4 show and &actory schedule% They were hunting or s8uirrels# which was their a'orite !idday snack% /r!ed with shotguns and god they were led like (oses to !ake right what was wrong with the world% 7hil was drunk on ha""iness and god% -I a! ha""y# ha""y# ha""y% *oys# did you see how we "issed o those liberals while we still ke"t our la!e show% 9illie looked on with disgust# as he regard 7hil as the !an whose big !outh al!ost cost the! easy !oney% -Shut u"# 7hil and let us 5ust get us so!e s8uirrels%. - (y wi e bitched at !e or two days about losing that T4 !oney%. Si looks at both relati'es and tries to break the tension with one his little sayings# -co!e on now# little doggies% Sto" chewing on your butts like a lea ridden !utt and ha'e so!e un. -9e are rednecks and rednecks like to ha'e un% :I dont know any redneck that ain2t into un%Thats their !iddle na!e% Red0 un0neck%. Ironically# at this "oint the s8uirrels# or !ere rodents were actually laughing at both hunting "arties%

I you understood s8uirrel# you would ha'e heard this co!ing ro! the tree to"s% -3esus# look how loud and stu"id those guys are6 we could hear those )illbillies ro! a !ile away%. It was eagle eye# 7hil# who saw the other hunting "arty tra!"ing through the swa!"% 7hil saw the! and sto""ed dead in his tracks# as the others wondered what was wrong% Si now chi!ed in with his astute obser'ation o oreigners% -It sure is getting crowded here# as look at those city slickers trying to "lay rednecks%. 9illie looked on and notice 7hil staring into s"ace% -)ey 7hil# !aybe we should ind another hunting s"ot6 those ;ankees !ight shoot us by !istake% 7hil said nothing# but ke"t staring at the other hunting "arty% -)ey 7hil# what 5ew wanna do<. 7hil said nothing but ke"t on staring at the attest hunter with $rey hair and big "ot belly% - )ey# 7hil<. /ll the Robertson ke"t staring at 7hil who see!ed into so!e sort o trance% 7hil was known to be strange but now he started loudly reciting *ible 'erses while staring directly at the &at )unter% -E=odus >?:@A :;ou shall not co!!it adultery%: Deuterono!y >>:>> :I a !an is ound slee"ing with another !an2s wi e# both the !an who sle"t with her and the wo!an must die.: ,e'iticus >?:@? :I a !an co!!its adultery with another !an2s wi e00with the wi e o his neighbor00both the adulterer and the

adulteress must be put to death.: 7ro'erbs B:C> :*ut a !an who co!!its adultery lacks 5udg!ent6 whoe'er does so destroys himself.: (atthew @D:D :I tell you that anyone who di'orces his wi e# e=ce"t or !arital un aith ulness# and !arries another wo!an commits adultery.: (ark @?:@@ :/nyone who di'orces his wi e and !arries another wo!an commits adultery against her.: (ark @?:@> :/nd i she di'orces her husband and !arries another !an# she commits adultery.: ,uke @B:@E :/nyone who di'orces his wi e and !arries another wo!an co!!its adultery# and the !an who !arries a di'orced wo!an commits adultery.: :Do not think that I F3esusG ha'e co!e to abolish the ,aw Hthe Old Testa!entI or the 7ro"hets6 I ha'e not co!e to abolish the! but to ul ill the!% I tell you the truth# until hea'en and earth disa""ear# not the s!allest letter# not the least stroke or a "en# will by any !eans disa""ear ro! the ,aw Hthe Old Testa!entI until e'erything is acco!"lished% H(atthew J:@K0@EI: :Then 3esus said to the crowds and to his disci"les: 2The teachers o the law and the 7harisees sit in (oses2 seat% So you !ust obey the! and do e'erything they tell you% *ut do not do what they do# or they do not "ractice what they "reach%2 H(atthew >C:@0CI:

The whole Robertson clan were now staring at 7hil thinking that he had gone back to "o""ing "ills and s!oking wacky tobakee% Ne=t thing 7hil dro""ed to his knees% ,ike !an talking in tongue# 7hil started shouting% -7R/ISE 3ESUS# I NEED ;OUR )E,7%. -O)# ,ORD INSTRUCT (EL. -3ESUS# TE,, (E 9)/T TO DO# /S I SEE T)IS SINNER% ;es ,ORD# IT IS T)E &/T /DU,TER N/(ED NE9T%. Now 7hil begin reciting Newt list o "artial sins# while the Robertson gang stared in a!a1e!ent% -;ES ,ORD# IT 9/S IN T)E New York Times# JMDM@@G Si# looked !ore con used than e'er% -9hat the hell is he talking about<. 7hil now "ointing at the &at )unter now recited !ore in or!ation like it was on a I"ad% While Married To Second Wife, Gingrich Carried On Six !ear "ffair With Congressional Staffer. /ccording to the New York Times: :Today# (s% *isek is (rs% $ingrich# !arried or @@ years# but "erha"s best re!e!bered or the si=0year a air that contributed to her husband2s "olitical down all% )is critics cast (r% $ingrich# the or!er )ouse s"eaker# as a hy"ocrite who sought to i!"each a

"resident o'er in idelity while engaging in it hi!sel with (s% *isek# who was a Congressional aide%: O#ay $ord, shall % smite the sinner.& % 'ill blast him 'ith my shotgun.& (ust then a roc# rolled off the surrounding hill and landed at )hil*s feet. - IT IS / SI$N# O) T)/NK ;OU ,ORDL. 9hile the Robertson clan looked on# 7hil "icked u" the stone and lung it directly at Newt% 7hil being e=cellent !arks!an hit his !ark# a direct hit to $ringrich big at head% The &at !an went down with a blood dri""ing down his head% )e was ali'e but only $od knew that 7hil had ailed% Newt2s cohort2s at irst thought he had 5ust tri""ed o'er his own at eet until they so Newt got u" !oaning and crying% 7hil saw that he ailed his test so scra!bled around or another rock% -7hil# sto" you cra1y bastard%. 9illie shouted -The ,ord wants !e to ollow his instructions# not get !e so!e !ore stones%. Now the lobbyistMhunters seeing the rocks co!ing were "anicky% -3esus# I think we !et the cast o deli'erance%. -,ET2S $ET OUT O& )EREL. Chuck Norris )eston screa!ed this to his "artners &rank and Newt%

Chuck and &rank now looked at Newt and thought this &at guy would !ost likely ha'e to be le t behind or the )illbillies to do what they will with hi!% Newt was co'ered in !ud# blood# and he was crying% It was grade0school all o'er again or a "oor "udgy kid% -$ET U7 NE9T /ND ST/RT RUNNIN$L. Newt was breathing hea'y and only e=ercised his ingers and !outh as a lobbyist% )e was certainly a sad sight% Newt# tried to raise but his bulk body was stuck in the !ud% Chuck and &rank then reali1ed that Newt was still a needed connection# as they needed to bribe congress!en% -CO(E ON# &R/NK ,ET2S $ET T)IS &/T /SS OUT T)E (UD%. *oth !en tried and "ulled# "ulled and "ulled% &inally# they got Newt on his eet% 7hil now was screa!ing !ore stones# -I C/N2T &/I, T)E ,ORD%. Now the rest o the Robertson2s were trying to hide stones ro! their !anically leader# 7hil% 7hil only had little stones# and he saw as Newt and the gang were running away% 7hil wanted to started to chase the!# but now all the Robertson tackled 7hil to sto" hi! ro! ul illing his religious duties% /s the )illbillies struggled with each other# they were biting and "unching each other with abandon% This was the !o!ent that the ,obbyists needed to get out o the way o the wrath o $od%

The terrain was rough and Newt was alling and tu!bling down the trail% &rank knew they had to get to their car% ,ucky or the! the car was "arked on the side o the entrance to the trail% Newt was running or his li e6 this is the closest he would get to ighting in 4ietna!% The lobbyists inally !ade it to the trail entrance% 9hile they were esca"ing the Robertson2s clan was still rolling and tu!bling with each other% The s8uirrels were laughing that it was they who turned out to be the winners% Nobody could shoot $od2s little creatures% /ll see!ed better in their world% /s Newt and his "artners got into the car# they gunned the engine and s"ed away% The Robertson2s inally ga'e u" their ritual o )illbilly wrestling% 7hil looked around and saw that Newt esca"ed% )e ailed $od and not stoned Newt to death% 7hil sat on a big rock and cried like (oses when he reali1ed he was getting to the "ro!ised land% 9illie the !ost sanest o the Robertson was "leased that 7hil2s religious orders were not co!"leted% )is !ind knew that killing a white ellow hunter would not be looked at a'orably e'en by &o= News% Can you i!agine the bad "ress o killing so!e at white guy with a rock< /ll this was hushed u" /+E and lucky or the! no ca!eras were running# or !aybe $od did intercede but the signs were not clear to anyone other than 7hil% I we killed all the adulterers in the world how !any "eo"le would be le t< *ut who really knows what $od really wants< +ut the almighty for no', only seems to fa,or the s-uirrels, those industrious righteous rodents.