September 10, 2009
Urgent H1N1 Swine Flu Mutation Update
Newly Identified Mutation
On September 9
, 2009, the Center for DiseaseControl (CDC) in coordination with the UnitedStates Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) identified a newstrain of the H1N1 influenza virus in Evans City,Pennsylvania. This mutation, tentatively termedH1N1Z, significantly alters the infectivity andsymptoms of the virus.
Symptoms of Infection
Upon infection with the new H1N1 strain, subjectsmay experience a wide range of symptomsincluding fatigue, lethargy, hunger, and a graypallor. Subjects will usually lapse into a comaafter a 2-3 hour incubation period. The virus thenproceeds to induce an autoimmune responsewhich attacks the forebrain, inducing severedamage to brain tissue. It also affects the adrenalglands, producing a huge rush of adrenaline.With higher brain function severed, the patient issent into a single minded killing frenzy, wanderingaimlessly, searching for food even in the form of human flesh. Even if unsuccessful in killing his or her prey, the disease can still be passed on in theform of a bite.
H1N1Z is not as easily preventable as theregular H1N1 virus. As the virus is passedthrough contact with an infected/forsakenindividual, standard measures such as handwashing are insufficient. Instead, contact shouldbe avoided entirely with those believed to beinfected with the virus.
Identifying Infection in Classmates
As mentioned before, the primary symptoms of H1N1Z are pallor, lethargy, and a crazedpsychotic state. If a classmate demonstratesthese symptoms, or wanders towards other person, arms outstretched while moaning andgnashing their teeth, it is possible they areinfected. Diagnosis should be confirmed by thenearest available heath professional, but if noneare available (they may be attending to moreimportant issues, such as fleeing), then it may benecessary to start treatment without this approval.
Standard treatment for H1N1Z involves simplecranial deconstruction surgery which can beperformed without anesthetic or even withoutcommon surgical tools. The preferred surgicalimplements are Browning .50 calibre sniper rounds or 12 Gauge shotgun shells fired from asuitable weapon, however in a pinch chainsaws,pickaxes, fire axes, crowbars, saw blades firedfrom zero-point energy field manipulators, or even crossbows can work. When successfullycompleted, the subject should fall over and stopmoving permanently. The BC Ministry of Education cautions against using fire to performthe surgery – H1N1Z sufferers do not feel painand will continue advancing towards you.
If You Are Bitten
In the event you are bitten by an infectedindividual, the Ministry advises pre-empetivesurgery. This can be self-performed, or if youneed help a peace officer will be glad to assistyou.
The BC Ministry of Education cautions againstany undue panic. Further inquiries should beheld until further notice. Citizens should not bealarmed by government officials retreating tomountainous regions near abandoned mineshafts.