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Tuesday, August 25, 2009HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH!!!!! I have no regrets or apologies for my online shenanigans over the past 2 years.Today it occured to me: this is what I enjoy. Writing. Also, I have a burden totell people how much God loves us all. I have a very early memory. So early thatyou might not believe this. But I have a memory of before I was even conceived.I've always had this inside of me, even as a child, I remember standing in heaven,on the "edge", that's how I sensed it. I was standing near the "exit", it was tomy right. I stood facing God, or an angel, or Jesus. I can't remember the face orwhat the appearance was, I just know, it was love, and there was light everywhere,and He stood there before me, and said, "Tell them how much I love them."So I tell you how much He loves you in the only way I know how~ I tell how Heshowed His love to me, throughout my existence so far on this earth. I leave somethings unsaid, hoping my voice will speak the loudest with the things I leaveuntouched. Know what I'm saying?No?Ok well I want to change the subject anyway. I'm sitting here this morningdrinking my tea, fully aware of how the thought of God, and God's love for us, andimages of Jesus ready to embrace you with a big fat loving hug can annoy theliving daylights out of folks. How do I know? From personal experience with otherpeople, listening to their reactions and hearing how they describe their annoyancewith Christianity. One person I know has said, "Just the thought of Jesus makes mebristle with discomfort. I don't want anything to do with it."He also said that when Jesus is mentioned, he feels himself glazing over and hisbrain shuts down.So I know and I'm aware of how uncomfortable my blog title is for some people tosee. That's why it's there.I had to get used to His love. I had to receive it, and believe it. I had to learnto get comfortable with love, and closeness, and intimacy, after coming from myfamily, where affection was a foreign word- humor took it's place- and afterscrewing up so many times, and learning to accept forgiveness.I never mentioned this one: several years ago, I had a dream, I was in my old roomagain, and Jesus sat on my bed, like He did in the one where He spoke of restoringmy heart.In this one, I sat beside Him, and He hugged me tight, and I could feel a reallove. It was protective and loving and sincere. It was also foreign. A newexperience, a new feeling, but at the same time, I recognized it. I was at home inthat hug.As He hugged me, I heard Him say to me:"This is how the love of a man should feel."When I woke up from that dream I got the feeling that someone out there had beenpraying for me.
 
I have never known that kind of love in real life, but I do know, He loves us SOMUCH, and I'm going to keep reminding you until the cows come home.~*~...I went to the thrift store a couple of weeks ago and bought a big box, I thinkit's a military box, it has old stickers on it, one says JFK and one says 1969,it's dark green and it makes me feel mean.I dumped all my stash bags out and sorted thru it all: beans and rice andseasonings in one pile, personal care items in another pile, herbs and vitamins inyet another. I loaded up the beans and rice and gave it all to my brother in law.So now I'm down to just having things to keep myself clean, and some herbs.And I loaded upwaitI'm confusing myself, I have five different thoughts going on at one time here.Ok, I loaded up the things I wanted to keep in my military box, and I'm using itas a table. The things I gave to my brother in law got loaded up in HIS militarybox, it says OLD GOAT on it. That's creepy.I changed my mind about having food and water. I would rather not have that burdenon myself. The only way I would feel ok about it is if I knew everyone else didtoo. I don't want to spend my time wrestling with ethical issues in order to keepmy belly full if my neighbors are down to eating their cat.My old home videos of Leah from when she was little went into yet another pile,for transfer over to dvd, one by one, so that I can systematically load them up onhere somehow, someway, thus, embarking on a whole new way to torment people, bothstrangers and friends alike.I spent the day in the sun with my kid. Lunch at IHOP, then to the lake. We sat onthe rocks and talked, then we talked about the water, and how it wasn't too cold,and next thing you know, we're in. We laughed the whole time. Then we went on adollar store shopping spree, complete with gnarly hair and wet clothes. We bothsplurged. Leah inspected my purchases and grabbed something off the counter rightbefore they could ring it up, took it away, then came back with something else. Asit turns out, she was putting the hair gel back on the shelf that I selected andreplaced it with some kind of mousse. I didn't ask her why, I trust her. Once wegot in the car she turned to me and told me, Mommy, you have to stop buying Blackpeople hair products. You are not Black. Their hair is different.She leaves for college in August. We sat and talked in the car for a long time.Our hug goodbye today lasted several minutes. Our eyes were filled with tears. Ikissed her forehead and said God bless you, Daughter. That's what I've done eversince she was little.~
 
The first thing I ever lostI was four years old, and we were vacationing in Galveston. Before we got to thebeach, we pulled into a bait shop. My dad is big on crabs. He can stand there inthe sun all day long, reeling in crabs on some line rigged to a stick in the sand.So we were making the usual bait shop stop, where my dad got his stuff and wegirls got candy. But I remember this day. On this stop, I did not choose candy.Instead, I brought a sand toy to the counter. It was a plastic turtle, but it wasreally a bucket and a shovel and a sand castle mold, all packed away neatly intothe turtle. I fell in love with it and spent the whole trip on the beach, creatingsand castles, shoveling sand, sifting sand, putting seashells into the turtle,creating waterways and channels that allowed sea water to occasionally come up andsurround my castles like a moat. I love the beach with all my heart and soul.So after a few days, we packed up our things into the old white camper, and headedback up to Dallas. Everything was packed. Everything, except...except my sand turtle kit.I started crying and wailing the second it occured to me. My parents were startledand asked what was wrong, and I remember not being able to get the words outbetween my cries. Finally I managed to get it out, that my turtle was still on thebeach, alone in the sand, and could we turn around and go get it? I wanted it,Daddy can you turn around?The answer was no. We weren't even out of Galveston yet, I didn't understand.I was quiet the whole way home. I remember closing my eyes and seeing my turtle onthe beach. I thought about some other child playing with it. I thought about theturtle missing me as much as I was missing it.By the time we got back home, I had thoroughly wrestled with and accepted my loss.It was ok.But I can still see it, sitting there under the hot Texas sun, wondering where Iam.I wonder who found it.I was thinking about this today, then I started thinking about my very firstexperience with pain.It was during the same time period. We were vacationing at Lake of the Pines, inEast Texas. I was walking beside my mom and dad and older sister along a trailthat was literally covered in pine needles. It was winter. The sky was blue andthe cold air blended with the sunshine made me feel so happy. I remember as we allwalked along, I just got this gust of joy and took off and started running. I justran. As fast as I could go, down the path littered with pine needles. It didn'tlast long. Within seconds I was on my face, and my hands were on fire with pain. Ilaid there crying until my parents caught up with me. They looked at my hands.Pine needles were embedded in them, all over. They started pulling out the ones
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duponthumanite

"I'm not here to be fed. I'm here to feed. I got stuff to share." Great quote!

reply03 / 06 / 2010
duponthumanite

Love the ancedote about the daughter who was going to start recycling. Now I understand about these non passive endeavours!

reply03 / 06 / 2010
duponthumanite

Or rather, conceives and perceives them.

reply03 / 06 / 2010
duponthumanite

The visions here are awesome. I have to admire a brain which comes up with them.

reply03 / 06 / 2010
duponthumanite

So pharmacy = magic, witchcraft, sorcery?

reply03 / 06 / 2010
duponthumanite

The thing on page 86 would be considered unthinkable in the 21st century. Read and learn from it.

reply03 / 06 / 2010
duponthumanite

The whole spine/brain thing is serious.

reply03 / 06 / 2010
duponthumanite

Love seeing here just what Catch the Fire really means.

reply03 / 06 / 2010
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