High Quality
Open the downloaded document, and select print from the file menu (PDF reader required).
SEPTEMBER 2009
PAGE 1
connecting u
Divorced Dads Tips: The Di
ff
by Danny Guspie
-
Executive Director of Fathers Resources International
DISCLAIMER: Thefollowing is NOT legal advice,nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, soplease see a lawyer.
We've seen a number of casesover the years of Parental AlienationSyndrome
(
PAS
)
over the years. To beclear: It is not a recognized medicalsyndrome. And, it is often overusedand inappropriately by divorced dads,it can torpedo their case fast simply because it is a simplisticoverstatement of the true facts.It's a phrase now that isembedded into the legal speak that goes on in Family Courtroomseverywhere when access/visitationdenial by anything from a mildly angry to an extremely maliciousmother. And therein lies the problem.By not characterizing the seriousnessof the problems appropriately andaccurately, a divorced dad losescredibility when he doesn'tdistinguish between:
(
a
)
Manipulation and/oralienation;
(
b
)
Moderate, severe, extreme,fanatical forms of manipulation;
(
c
)
Moderate, severe, extreme,fanatical forms of alienation. Accurately portraying throughevidence which pigeonhole yourchild's symptoms seem to suggesttends to demonstrate reasonablenesson the fathers part, which naturally confers credibility on that evidencebecause it does not come across as a distortion or exaggeration of thefacts.When a malicious mother rampsup her campaign of hatred to thepoint that the children are seized with an OVERWHELMINGirrational fear of the father following separation and/or divorce PASbecomes a distinct possibility, but itis unlikely beforehand.So what is overwhelming fear?It does not include any fear thatis superficial. The typical kinddisplayed by many children whoeither can and/or can't explain theirfear, but don't act in a mannerconsistent with those fears.Here's an example of consistency that borders on fanatical: A child whois cowering in the corner, even whenfully protected in a supervised accesscenter with social workers, stillrefuses to try and have a relationship with their dad.Usually children such as thesehave been so poisoned by a motheringratiating the child into their world view through parentification: Theprocess where a child is made a confident of a mother and wheresharing of how dangerous daddy istakes place in a sophisticated andsubtle way that is far beyond a child'sabilities to understand, appreciateand fend o
ff
.
(
continued on page2
)
VOL I Issue 4
Visit Us Online www.bestinterestofachild.com
SEPTEMBER 2009
PAGE 2
At the simplest level, manipulation that is notconstantly sustained lacks depth, because it lacksconsistent reinforcement at every opportunity possible. I would characterize this as the typical tacticof an overwrought mother not necessarily wanting revenge, but who is venting inappropriately throughinvolving their child in their tirades and rants.Malicious Mommy Manipulation Syndrome beginshere and ends when a mother is including hatred andanger with su
ffi
cient force to influence a child towardsPAS.I've used the above framework to discern formyself what level of manipulation and/or actualalienation is taking place. Alienation always reliesupon some form of HUGE lie told to frighten thechild such as: your Dad will kidnap you and you willnever ever see me again. Then when Dad is tired of you, he will abandon you God knows where. Thensome stranger will find you and kill you. That would terrify any child. And that is wherereal PAS begins from my perspective. I remember a conference we had for the National Shared Parenting Association about 10 years ago where there was a young woman, she was about 21 years old, came tospeak with us after we did our opening remarks. She was in absolute tears. Her mother had told her thather father was a monster. This lady was in her mid 20sand for most of her childhood into early teenage andearly adulthood, she was told her dad is a monster. I guess when she went out on her own she mustered upenough courage to try and find him and she did. Here was the real shocker. He is a wonderful man, whichbasically means she was betrayed by her mother. Wetold her: "You know you are very brave and good for you that you mustered up the courage to go and find your dad and you are reconnecting with him." The biggest challenge she is going to face now islearning how to forgive her mother, if that is even stillpossible. She might not be able to. This is the cost of what happens in divorce. Sometimes children areforced to make a choice between their parents. Nochild should ever have to do that. It is not appropriateto wage war over your kids but it is appropriate to wage peace. The best advice that we can give you is tochoose happiness over perfection. You and your kids will have a better time for it and likely a better personas a result.When you face a really di
ffi
cult situation thatseems as if your kids are manipulated or alienatedremember this formula when describing it to theFamily Court Judge:Is what you are seeing exhibited in your child:
(
a
)
Manipulation and/or alienation;
(
b
)
Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms of manipulation;
(
c
)
Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms of alienation. And match your evidence closely to what youdescribe. Remember all manipulation and alienation is wrong, but the key to resolving it in Family Court is vigorously exposing it accurately. That's the beginning of any Family Court Game Plan where these are themain issues facing your children.Finally, be patient. This form of abuse is di
ffi
cultto detect, and to prove. It takes time. However having a management system for the diagnosis of theproblem will often lead to its solution.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/law
-
articles/divorced
-
dads
-
tips
-
the
-
di
ff
erence
-
between
-
parental
-
alienation
-
syndrome
-
mommy
-
manipulation
-
346149.html
Stop Laying Around?
It
’
s Time for New Floors
Click Here
Visit Us Online www.bestinterestofachild.com
Add a Comment