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Jesse Ryan Loskarn's Last Message [Suicide Note]

Jesse Ryan Loskarn's Last Message [Suicide Note]

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Published by A.J. MacDonald, Jr.
"The last month of Jesse Ryan Loskarn’s life was surrounded by a media frenzy, with what appeared to be the goal of destroying his reputation beyond repair. Newspapers and other media outlets depicted him mostly in a negative light and stole away any good he had done during his short but full life. During this tragic time he had no voice, but in his death he can be heard. Our society is quick to judge especially when the topic surrounding his death is so difficult. This letter written by Jesse Ryan Loskarn was found after he took his own life on January 23, 2014. If his words can help just one person who is suffering in silence it will be his greatest accomplishment." Source: http://www.jesseryanloskarnslastmessage.com/333880300
"The last month of Jesse Ryan Loskarn’s life was surrounded by a media frenzy, with what appeared to be the goal of destroying his reputation beyond repair. Newspapers and other media outlets depicted him mostly in a negative light and stole away any good he had done during his short but full life. During this tragic time he had no voice, but in his death he can be heard. Our society is quick to judge especially when the topic surrounding his death is so difficult. This letter written by Jesse Ryan Loskarn was found after he took his own life on January 23, 2014. If his words can help just one person who is suffering in silence it will be his greatest accomplishment." Source: http://www.jesseryanloskarnslastmessage.com/333880300

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Published by: A.J. MacDonald, Jr. on Jan 28, 2014
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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05/13/2014

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Jesse Ryan Loskarn's Last Message
The last month of Jesse Ryan Loskarn’s life was surrounded by a media frenzy, with what appeared to be the goal of destroying his reputation beyond repair. Newspapers and other media outlets depicted him mostly in a negative light and stole away any good he had done during his short but full life. During this tragic time he had no voice, but in his death he can be heard. Our society is quick to judge especially when the topic surrounding his death is so difficult. This letter written by Jesse Ryan Loskarn was found after he took his own life on January 23, 2014.
If his words can help just one person who is suffering in silence it will be his greatest accomplishment.
 
Jesse Ryan Loskarn's Last Message:
On December 11, 2013, I was arrested for possession of child pornography.
 
Writing those few words took a long time; seeing them in print is agony.
 
But I owe many, many people an explanation – if that’s even possible – and that’s why I’ve written this letter.The news coverage of my spectacular fall makes it impossible for me to crawl in a hole and disappear.
 
I’ve hurt every single human being I’ve ever known and the details of my shame are preserved on the internet for all time.
 
There is no escape.
 
My family has been wounded beyond description.
 
My former boss and colleagues had their trust broken and their names dragged through the mud for no reason other than association.
Friends’ question whether they ever really knew me.
 
 
I’ve talked with clergy and counselors and psychiatrists.
I spent f ive days on suicide watch in the psychiatric ward at the D.C.
 
jail, fixated on the “why” and “how” questions:
 
why did I do this and how can I kill myself?
 
I’ve shared the most private details of my life with others in the effort to find an answer.
 
There seem to be many answers and none at all.
 
The first time I saw child pornography was during a search for music on a peer-to-peer network.
 
I wasn’t seeking it but I didn’t turn away when I saw it.
 
Until that moment, the only place I’d seen these sorts of images was in my mind.
 
I found myself drawn to videos that matched my own childhood abuse.
 
It’s painful and humiliating to admit to myself, let alone the whole world, but I pictured myself as a child in the image or video.
 
The more an image mirrored some element of my memories and took me back, the more I felt a connection.
 
This is my deepest, darkest secret.
 
As a child I didn’t understand what had happened at the time of the abuse.
 
I did know that I must not tell anyone, ever.
 
Later the memories took on new and more troubling meaning when I became a teenager.
 
They started to appear more often and made me feel increasingly apart from everyone else.
 
In my mind I instigated and enjoyed the abuse – even as a five and nine year old – no matter the age difference.
 
Discussing what had happened would have meant shame and blame.
 
I always worried someone might look at me and know, so I paid close attention to others for any sign they might have figured it out.
 
No one ever did.
 
By my late teens I reached a sort of mental equilibrium on the matter.
 
I couldn’t stop the images from appearing altogether, but I generally controlled when they appeared.
 
As an adult I thought I was a tougher man because of the experience; that I was mentally stronger and less emotional than most.
 
I told myself that I was superior to other people because I had dealt with this thing on my own.
 
Those I worked with on the Hill would likely describe me as a controlled, independent, and rational person who could analyze a situation with little or no emotion.
 
That’s how I viewed myself.
 
In retrospect, the qualities that helped me succeed on Capitol Hill were probably developed partly as a result of the abuse and how it shaped me.
 
In the aftermath of my arrest and all that followed, the mental equilibrium I had created to deal with my past is gone.
 
Today the memories fly at me whenever they choose.
 
They’re the first thing I see when I wake and the last thing I think about

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