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8 Things You Don't Know About Why Men Use Pornography That Could Impact Your Relationship

8 Things You Don't Know About Why Men Use Pornography That Could Impact Your Relationship

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Published by Jed Diamond
As a sex therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. “If we’ve agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex’ in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful?

One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. “I know if my husband did something like that and hit it from me, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. “I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can’t trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We’ve all got our desires. I don’t see why we can’t control them. Why do men need porn?”

For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. “I just don’t get it. I like sex. I’m available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional "look see" doesn’t hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It’s wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?”

Men often have a different view. They see pornography as a simple pleasure, not related to their primary relationship. “For me, it’s just a quick release from the tensions of the day,” one man told me. “It doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship with my wife.”

What do you think? Your comments are welcome.
As a sex therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. “If we’ve agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex’ in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful?

One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. “I know if my husband did something like that and hit it from me, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. “I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can’t trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We’ve all got our desires. I don’t see why we can’t control them. Why do men need porn?”

For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. “I just don’t get it. I like sex. I’m available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional "look see" doesn’t hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It’s wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?”

Men often have a different view. They see pornography as a simple pleasure, not related to their primary relationship. “For me, it’s just a quick release from the tensions of the day,” one man told me. “It doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship with my wife.”

What do you think? Your comments are welcome.

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Published by: Jed Diamond on Sep 29, 2009
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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8 Things You Don’t Know About Why Men Use PornographyThat Could Impact Your Relationship
By Jed Diamond, Ph.D.Contact me:Jed@MenAlive.comor www.MenAlive.com 
Why Men Use Pornography: The Top 8 Reasons as Told to A Sex TherapistMy son, Aaron, and his fiancé just visited from Portland, Oregon. His real love is doingmusic which he is very good at. He gave us a little taste by playing at the Open Mike atour local Pub. I was amazed at how good he’s become. It had been awhile since I hadheard him sing, play piano and guitar. I got tears in my eyes hearing his poignantlyrics and passionate melodies.In his day job, though, he’s a computer whiz-kid. He’s the tech guy for a large companyand we got talking about the “net.” His feeling was that there was still very little realvalue being delivered. “The only industry that has consistently been making money fromthe beginning is pornography,” he told me. It got me thinking. Why do so many men use porn? What do they really want? Do they find what they are looking for?As a sex therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. “If we’ve agreed to be trueto each other does having ‘virtual sex’ in an on-line chat room constitute beingunfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. “I know if I did something like that, itwould be the end of the marriage, she told me. “I know men are different and havedifferent sexual drives, but if I can’t trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We’veall got our desires. I don’t see why we can’t control them. Why do men need porn?”For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Edwhen the couple came to see me. “I just don’t get it. I like sex. I’m available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess anoccasional look see doesn’t hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It’swrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?”Men often have a different view. They see pornography as a simple pleasure, not relatedto their primary relationship. “For me, it’s just a quick release from the tensions of theday,” one man told me. “It doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship with mywife.”
 
The question made me reflect on my first experiences with “pornography.” I was 11 or so and beginning to feel the sexual juices flowing. They seemed to be on all the time and just about anything would set off an erection—a pretty girl sitting next to me in class, myteacher, Miss Carruthers, who everyone thought was sexy. A furry animal scurrying up atree.I knew there were sex magazines with pictures, but I had never seen one. Riding my bikehome one day, I found and old magazine in an empty lot. It turned out to be a “nature”magazine with pictures of nude men and women playing volleyball and generallywalking around as though being naked was the most natural thing in the world. To myhypersensitive, sexual brain, it was like being dosed with cocaine. I started to search for other images that would turn me on.Like many kids of this age, sex was new and we were mostly shy and too young to beable to get anything going with a real girl. As I grew up, had girlfriends, had sex, gotmarried, got divorced, got married again (does this sound familiar), the desire for pornslipped into the background.But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why domen use porn? Based on my experiences as a therapist working with men and my ownlife experiences, here are the top 8 reasons.1.They enjoy sexual excitement and release and porn delivers.2.They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.3.In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partnerswould like to engage in. In the world of porn, our sex partner will do anything wewant them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they arealways ready for more.4.The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.5.Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time thereare always those times when we’re hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. Aquick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.6.Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find itdifficult to get aroused with our motherly wives but go wild for the wantonwoman we work with, for many it’s still easier to have “regular sex” with our  partner and let our minds run wild with the “bad” woman we fantasize abouthaving.7.In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographicaffair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.8.“Instant gratification isn’t fast enough for me,” one client told me. In our speededup world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography may bethe perfect solution for our times.

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