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If I Stop Dreaming

If I Stop Dreaming

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Published by John M. Watkins
What if you realized that you were God, and everything was your fault?
What if you realized that you were God, and everything was your fault?

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Published by: John M. Watkins on Sep 30, 2009
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01/30/2013

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If I Stop DreamingJohn MacBeath Watkins1
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If I Stop Dreaming...
 
What if you one dayrealized you wereGod...and everythingwas your fault?
 
By John MacBeathWatkins"If I stop dreaming , theworld will end," I toldDr. Motherwell.Motherwell wasa plump, earnest man inhis fifties who wore awhite shirt and dark,narrow tie. He had graying hair, the prison pallor I had come to associate with officeworkers, and an expression of uncomprehending sympathy.
"So, when you sleep…"
 
 
If I Stop DreamingJohn MacBeath Watkins2
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"It's not that," I said. "It's in the daytime, when I'm interacting with other peoplein the world.""What are the nature of your hallucinations?""Right now, I'm hallucinating that I'm talking to you." It sounded so sophomoricthat I was embarrassed."So," Motherwell said. "You hallucinate that you are living a perfectly ordinarylife.""Exactly. And by dreaming it, I make it exist." I had not thought this would beso easy to make clear. I had a moment of euphoria, and thought I could hear someoneplaying 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' on a theremin. That seldom happens anymore."So, why an ordinary life? If by dreaming it is so, why not make yourself rich?Why not give yourself many beautiful lovers?" He paused a moment. "Wait, are yourich? Do you have beautiful women raining upon you like a plague of frogs?""No, doctor," I said ruefully, "I can't imagine such nice things happening to me.""And so they don't."I nodded.
"You…have considered the possibility that you are not, in fact, hallucinating,
haven't you? What if the world exists beyond you, and you only have a small place in it?What if you strut your little hour or two, and then are gone, like the rest of us? How doyou know the world will stop existing if you stop imagining your own small place in it?""I realized what was happening a few years ago," I told him. "In college."
 
If I Stop DreamingJohn MacBeath Watkins3
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"College?" A look of understanding and relief came over Dr. Motherwell's face."Tell me, were any illegal drugs involved?"I hesitated. I didn't want him to get the impression this was just a doper's dream."It was the one time I took LSD," I confessed.
I knew that ergot mold had been used for 2,000 years as a migraine cure, but I couldn’t
get any, and besides, the side effects can be distressing and sometimes fatal. There wasanother drug I knew of that sent blood to the same parts of the brain, and that was LSD.
Someone had told me people who tripped regularly didn’t have migraines. I thought it
was worth a try. I already had hallucinations that went with the migraines. I would see aglowing aura around objects and people. I thought the hallucinations without themigraines would be preferable to those that accompanied the migraines.I took what was supposed to be a small dose, one that my dealer told me I couldfunction while taking. Drug dealers, it seems, are not as trustworthy as pharmacists.Before long I was beginning to think it was a mistake to go to my classes on the drug.This is understandable, because the side effects of the drug that I considered undesirablewere the effects the drug dealer was selling. No doubt my dealer thought he was doingme a kindness.In Lit, we were discussing Robinson Crusoe for some reason. It was a book mostof us had covered in high school, if not junior high. There was this very smart girl, LeslieNorman, who thought it was just dumb that we had to do such a juvenile book. She hadread it when she was a pre-teen.

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