Crazy I decided to buy a cover for our Kindle Fire so I went to Tesco Online.

I filled in all the nonsense on the form. Then they asked for my address, which I gave. Next, they wanted to know the nickname of my address. Now this may sound a bit strange, but I dont have a nickname for my address. So I left that line blank. But when I pressed the continue button, it wouldnt take me forward unless I put in a nickname. I tried three times, and three times it rejected me. I wouldnt mind if it had caught me out telling a lie. But its a fact I dont have a nickname for my address. I must admit that Im a bit nonplussed. Not selling alcohol to someone under 18 is one thing. But refusing to flog a Kindle Cover to a guy who hasnt got a nickname for his address is something else. *** I watched The House of Fools on the tele the other day. Afterwards, I moseyed around to see if there was anything else worth watching, and stumbled on Benefit Street on channel 4. Some up-and-coming television producer should combine the two. It would be hilarious. *** Cold Caller As always, no names no pack-drill. A golden rule of mine is that I never buy anything offered by someone knocking on door with another bargain. This is based on the old adage, Dont you call us, well call you. But, like all rules, its there to be broken. The other day, your man knocks on the door and says, Your roof is getting past its sell-by date. Were offering a free survey, with a no obligation price-quote for a renovation, guaranteed for 12 months. Our surveyor will only take up 20 minutes of your time. Now time is worth more than gold. I dont like wasting it. But a free survey and no-obligation quote in exchange for a mere 20 minutes? OK. Why not? Your on, I said. Our surveyor will be here tomorrow at 1400 prompt, says your man. Comes 1400 the following day, and theres no surveyor in sight. Two-fifteen came, and that was me browned off. If he found himself held up somewhere, then a phone call would fix it. But there was nothing. This guy was wasting my time so I went out and pumped-up the cars tyres. Then, at 1430, he arrives and, sans apology, goes into action with his tape measure and binoculars. Then we go indoors to get the price. This is when the, no obligation, free-quote, turned into a hard sell.

First of all, there was a lecture on how a roof is constructed. OK, it was very interesting, if thats what you wanted to hear, but a slate-by-slate commentary on how to put a lid on a house is not my way of passing a rainy Tuesday afternoon. Then came the bad news. Our roof was at the end of its life expectancy and was already showing the first signs of rigor mortis. But, thank God, this man knew the cure and had a gang of experts on tap. He followed this with a blow-by-blow lecture on how these guys would renovate our failing dome. Im too well mannered to tell people to bugger off but... To cut a long story short, he now pulls out his calculator and does a complex calculation before announcing that all will be well if I part with 4,465 sometime in the next 12 months. How does that sound? he wants to know. Not a clue, I tell him. Ive nothing to compare it with. Did my colleague leave a pamphlet? he wants to know. Yep, I said, producing the folded paper and stuffing it in his hand. Ah, he exclaims in surprise, opening the pamphlet and producing a voucher. You qualify for a 25% discount. Thats very rare. Ive only ever seen three of these since I started with the firm. Let me see... He does another calculation. Ah! he exclaims, that brings it down to 3,349. How do you feel about that? Fine, I say, because I do feel fine. My colleague must have spotted something special about your location, says the chancer. Ill have a word with my boss and see what he says. He now produces his mobile and proceeds to call his boss in my time. After a load of verbal play-acting on the part of himself and his master, he says, My boss is looking at your house on Google Earth right now, and he says it would make an ideal show-house. If you agree to have an advertising board in your garden we can drop the price to 2,500. Ill think about it, I tell him. With an offer like this, you have to make the decision today, he says, producing a wad of papers. If you put 650 down, well arrange the rest of the payments by instalments. I was offered a free quote, valid for 12 months, I told him. But if you dont take the offer now, it will revert to 4, 465, he told me. Well, if thats the quote, thats the quote, I told him. He finally departed at 1600, having wasted 2 hours of my precious time. So there you are. The man could come and go with 2,000 and still make a profit. So, if he had started at 2.500 he might have been in with a chance... I said, Might have. Moral: never break your own golden rule.