When I was eight my brother was six. Six and very gullible. Which is why when I gavehim a bar of bakers chocolate(link), he ate the whole thing. I just kept saying “Isn’t thatgreat?” He just kept nodding and wincing through the whole, disgusting bar. It was muchharder, a year later, to get him to consume a habanera pepper(link). He was gullible butnot stupid.So began our dance, me trying to feed him more and more disgusting things and himtrying to eat in peace. And through the years he’s become tougher and tougher to get.Until…The other day I was making spicy apple mustard. My apple mustard, by the way, isawesome. It’s better than any of the “gourmet” crap you find in half ounce jars at thestore. And it costs less to make then the bright yellow, congealed piss most people put ontheir hot dogs. All it takes it a few simple ingredients, a glass jar and some forethought.Why forethought?Because you make it, let it sit on the counter for a week, and then move it to the fridge.As a boy they told me this was to let the flavors mingle. They lied, as I recently learned.So I last week I was going to grill up some brats when I realized I was out of myawesome spicy apple mustard. I figured that not letting the flavors mingle for that firstweek would mean it wasn’t quite as good, but a lesser some is better than a perfect none.So I mixed up a batch on the counter and applied it straight from the bowl.After I regained consciousness I did a little research. In fact the one week waiting periodhas nothing to do with flavors mingling, it’s all about heat dissipation. The heat you getfrom mustard comes from a reaction between it’s enzymes. The longer you let thatreaction go, the less heat you have. The reason you put it in the fridge is to stop thatreaction. So what I was really doing was letting the mustard cool down for a week, thenholding it at that level of spiciness.So began a series of painful experiments. I found out that dry mustard by itself is about asspicy as cornstarch. The reaction starts when the mustard powder is mixed with water.From that moment, for about 15 minutes it tastes as bitter and hot as a lit cigarette. From15 minutes to about 2 hours it’s obscenely hot, but you can consume it without a trip tothe ER. From 2 hours to a day is about as hot or hotter than anything you can find in a
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