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Intimacy and the Fear of Intimacy
By
Irit Gezler
The intimacy that I would like to discuss here is the intimacy in human relationships. Allwhich I write here is not based on previously done research about intimacy, nor did Ireview the "professional literature." I am simply bringing up my own thoughts on thesubject.Intimacy is first and foremost between a person and his or her self. It is impossible for one to be intimate with another without being able to do so with themselves, andmoreover, only after one is intimate with oneself can he or she remove their mask in frontof others.Thus intimacy is directly related to revealing oneself. And revealing oneself creates the potential for a situation of 
"hurt
": a situation in which my subject of intimacy is madeaware of my weaknesses, aware and able to hurt me, but yet I trust that they won't.This is the reason that intimacy is usually connected to fondness, love, and acceptance byanother and the belief that they will accept me.The belief that I give my intimate other originates in the fact that I know that he or sheloves me and won't hurt me, that I believe in them, and at the same time I also believe inmyself, that I have a significant amount of self-confidence and self-acceptance so that Iam not afraid to be who I really am.Thus intimacy is linked to:Fondness/love/acceptanceEmpathyMutual trustSelf-confidence/ self-adulationClear self identitySelf-acceptanceWithout these, intimacy can never be achieved.
Intimacy comes in stages. It is not black or white.
 One can have up and downs on the intimacy levels with the same person, exactly as with being closer or farther from someone physically. There can be intimacy that was createdmagically at a specific time and space, which ends the instant we leave this particular  place. Who hasn't experienced a "magical evening," in which you are with your significant other or with another couple, and it appears that you either have known themfor years, or you just met them, but on that specific evening, whether you met on a beautiful beach or you shared the same physical space (the same car, for example) for afew hours, and you shared things about yourselves, your histories, your dreams, your fears... This can be a one-time intimacy. You might never meet again - but the intimacywas indeed there.Extramarital affairs might also; while they are together, they not only engage in sexualrelations but also share an intimacy that is only in this place and at this time. And maybealso in their secretive telephone calls, but it disappears as soon as they leave their little bubble and return to their normal lives.
 
Intimate relationships can be viewed as a bubble - a protective space - unique, separatefrom all others, in which there is an agreement that in this harmony and this space, thereis a special connection, a connection which separates us from the rest of the world. Thisis an exclusive place, a place that is unmatched, without a replacement. And it exists onlyin this bubble.Just as there is a one-time intimacy so too is there an ongoing intimacy. Just as thereexists intimacy between strangers in chance encounters, there exists long-term intimacy between friends or relatives. There is intimacy between those physically close to eachother and there is intimacy between people far from each other, which takes placethrough the telephone or an Internet connection. There is even the intimacy that Tevye,the poor milkman, shares with God...Intimacy is a very complex phenomenon, dependent on many factors. It is elusive, ever-changing, and never static. It blooms and wilts... and thus it is a paradox. Althoughintimacy is based on confidence and belief, there is never absolute security in intimacy.And we must live with that. And thus it is also very scary: we can never be sure that this particular intimacy will last forever.One of the childhood experiences that everybody goes through is the disintegration of intimacy. The first example of intimacy, which occurs between us and our parents,inevitably disappears. The intimacy with a best friend is also such a thing, which candisintegrate or be "betrayed" at some point or another. This feeling of abandonment or  betrayal is built into our dealing with personal relationships from our time as children,and as we develop into adults. There is no avoiding these experiences. And no matter howthis experience manifests itself, we will always experience it as a betrayal, as pain.Something "dies," lost forever and will never return, and it hurts.And then we continue our lives, promising ourselves that it will never happen again, thatwe will never let another hurt us. But it is inevitable that soon enough will again involveourselves in an intimate relationship, mostly as a result of our need for closeness,warmth, acceptance, support, love. And the odds are just as strong that time and timeagain, throughout our dynamic and ever-changing lives, we will continue to experiencethis feeling of lost or betrayal of intimacy.A few will decide that they can no longer handle the pain and will totally give upintimacy with others. They will close the door and not let anybody enter their emotionalworld, their secrets. They will never again expose themselves to someone so as not toexpose themselves to pain. And there are others that will close themselves only tomembers of the opposite sex, but will succeed in having intimate relationships with agood friend. Just as there are different levels of intimacy, there are also different levels of detachment, different levels of keeping oneself at a secure distance from the potentialityof pain.The women in "Sex in the City" are a good example of intimacy between friends. They
 
involve each other and expose each other. They trust one another, they are familiar witheach other's strengths and weaknesses, and they believe in and love each other. Fear doesnot exist between them. No fear of abandonment, no fear of telling the truth to oneanother, and no fear from their opinions of each other. At the same time, none of them isable to manage an intimate relationship with a man. Thus even though they have anextremely advanced level of intimacy amongst themselves, they have a "fear of intimacy"with men. Thus, when there occurs a meeting of the sexes, the women have noconfidence, no trust and no ability to reveal their true selves. When they are in thecompany of men a paradigm of each of them surfaces, a feeling of certainty that nomatter what happens, eventually I will be hurt or be abandoned, or the other way around.The basic building blocks of trust simply do not exist.Another type of the fear of intimacy in relationships that could also be true for some of the girls from "Sex in the City", demands a different approach. This type hopelessly triesto find the one that they can share an intimate connection with, a twin-soul, and evenwhen they do find one, as the relationship continues and becomes stronger and theintimacy deepens, one of the two "ruin" it in a seemingly very surprising manner.Why does this Occur?Fear of '
Couplehood'
- There are people who are very successful, possess a lot of self-confidence, who are not worried about being abandoned or hurt. Their fear is completelydifferent, a "Fear from Self Suicide"Why? Because this person believes that the perfect relationship, the one which he or sheseeks, is Symbiotic perfect harmony, union, being one, oneness. It is the finding of their "other halves," true love. And he/she is looking only for this type of relationship, for the perfect harmony of love with their soul mate, to remove the defenses, without masks, to be exposed and honest, to be one.When it seems that this fantasy is about to come true - "here is the love of my life, thatother person which I will unite with" - the evil twin of the fear of abandonment isawakened. The loss of my independence, what makes me unique, the loss of me, the lossof my own identity, my unique, my independence, myself. And as the intimacy grows,this fear grows with it - he or she must keep the borders so that they won't dissolve - herehe or she must stop the process and split up. And this is a never-ending cycleIntimacy is ability.It is the ability to share.It is the ability to accept, to be sympathetic, to be empathetic.To accept another as complete, to love them, to understand them, to respect them besidesand as a result of the close acquaintance with them, beside and as a result of their weaknesses.One will not expose themselves to a person who accepts them conditionally, on a limited basis, only on a condition that they meet his or her expectations.The ability to be intimate is tied to the emotional intelligence of those individualsinvolved. Emotional management, keeping things in proportion, seeing things through theeyes of another - these are the qualifications without which one cannot achieve intimacy.Where there are anger attacks and a loss of control - no intimacy can take place. Onecannot trust someone who can't control their feelings!
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