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Granny Mildred Lynch and Tim Buck II Esq. Partner to Buy the Mount DelusionSki Resort in Bovina Center at the County Delinquent Property AuctionInstallment II of a tweet story by @Scatoma
The Pepacton Watershed¶s Premier Satirist ³I¶m not a cynic, I¶m a careful observer´ 
Mildred Lynch aka ³Granny´:
a retired CIA assassin who lives in rural Hamden, NY,where she raises Dorset sheep and runs embroidery and vanity press side businesses. Sheis a stalker whose fixation on retired NBA legend, Rik Smits is eclipsed in installmenttwo by her simultaneous obsessions with Todd Palin and Sean Hannity. ³There¶s twosides to every woman,³ she explains ³and each side should have a man to take care of it, preferably at the same time.³ In this second installment she partners with Tim Buck IIEsq. to buy the Mount Delusion Ski resort.
Tim Buck II Esq
.: An Oneonta, NY attorney who represents arrested college students in public urination and capital murder arrests. He is trying to overcome rumors he iscarrying out an affair with the local DA. He claims to be a childhood friend of PaulRuebens of Pee Wee Herman fame. He begins invoking his 1/64 Mahican ancestry and begins wearing a red Mohawk. In installment II, he buys the Mount Delusion Ski Resortwith an eye towards buying out Granny Lynch, his partner, with his ³hush revenue´ andopening a small ³1/64 Indian Casino´ there called ³Mahican Some´, a place for small percentage Mahicans to meet, gamble and inter-marry impulsively.
 Lenny Slackjaw
: a stoner SUNY Oneonta student from Long Island who discovers avast community of politically moderate separatists headed by Moldy Stump secretlyliving in a labyrinth of underground tunnels beneath the mountains from Bovina Center to the Soccer Hall of Fame in Oneonta, where a secret passageway exists in a broomcloset.
Moldy Thump aka ³Moldy Stump´:
a wealthy industrialist related to CatskillMountain native and Robber Baron, Jay Gould. Moldy conceals his moderate politicalviews by going incognito as ³Moldy Stump´ Using this alias he recruits an army of mildmannered citizens of bland habits and viewpoints to drop out of the partisan world andlive underground.
The DA:
A Catskill Mountain-area District Attorney who conceals his homosexualityfrom the voting public. He is being prodded into a future run for New York AttorneyGeneral by Vladmir, Ronnie Bobbins former PR wingman. Like Vladmir, The DA is agraduate of Yale and a member of Skull and Bones. The DA pays Tim Buck II Esq.monthly ³hush revenue´ to suppress public knowledge of their previous affair.
Vladmir:
A Bonesman obsessed with using others to achieve world domination.
 
 
Scatoma
: An underachieving upstate NY writer. His only publishing credit is in anhistorical journal--- a short biography of an ancestor known to be The Minstrel SongKing of the Nickelodean Era. Scatoma lives in a sportsman shack built too close to theriver and drives a Suzuki Esteem which he tries to improve with louvers. He becomesfinancially indebted to Granny in installment one and is compelled to help her carry outan ill-contrived plan to promote her publishing business by convening a literarysymposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge.
Dooley
: Proprietor of ³Dooley¶s Pizza´ of Andes, NY. He is an early advertiser onScatoma¶s Twitter account. He later lobbies Scatoma to obtain a catering contract for Granny¶s symposium. He is an expectant father in installment two after Donna Martinartificially inseminates herself with his genetic material.
Donna Martin
: a resident of Buffalo, NY who was inspired to remain chaste after ToriSpellings¶ character on 90210 of her same name does so. Donna writes an inspirationalautobiography and is selected to speak at Granny¶s symposium, where she bills herself as³The hottest virgin over the age 35 in America.´ In installment two she moves to thePepacton Watershed, where she plans to raise her child.
Officer Vandersomethin:
An Oneonta police officer who uses night vision goggles hesmuggled home from the Gulf in his underwear in µ91 to arrest drunk college students for  public urination.
Dr. Egor:
A transplant doctor who replaces Granny¶s middle finger with a bionic onetaken from an androgynous ³bisexual´ prostitute android that ran amok and needed to bedismantled.
³Tantra Bea´ Ledbetter
: Granny¶s older sister and author of two early treatises fromthe 1950¶s on female sexual pleasure. She is called upon in installment one to present alecture at the symposium amid Scatoma¶s protest of nepotism. She is Ned¶s grandmother.
 Pappy:
An Amish farmer of ill-repute and Don of a backyard shed empire. He is thetarget of government probe. His assets are seized under RICO statutes. As a result he isforced to live in exile in a land of poor soil and bleak tourism.
 Juan Carlos
: An illegal alien from Mexico who provides sheep shearing services toGranny. He also is Granny¶s Mary Kay supplier and is a font of skin care knowledge.
Ned Ledbetter
: Granny¶s nephew. An aspiring TV writer who had a script optionedonce. He is initially engaged in installment one to present a lecture at the symposium. Ned has more followers than Scatoma on Twitter and Scatoma derides him as a purveyor of haughty unhelpful advice.
Smidgen:
A documentary filmmaker believed to be a leprechaun who Granny hires tofilm Winter Fest at Mt. Delusion Lodge for a reality TV pilot.
 
 
Lucy aka ³Cindy´ Goosey
: Granny¶s daughter, mother to Chuckie. She is large,strapping woman of Amazon proportions. She is a major hashish dealer in OrangeCounty, NY. In installment one she sends Chuckie to stay with Granny for the summer after she breaks her leg.
Chuckie Goosey
: Granny¶s grandson. He is 6¶-5´ and 300lbs at 7 years-old. Chuckie¶sfather forges his birth certificate in installment one to make Chuckie eligible to the CFLdraft. Chuckie is drafted by the Edmonton Eskimos before the scheme is revealed.
Ronnie Bobbins
: An internationally known self-help author who promotes gainingwealth through cheesy lawsuits, pulchritude for men, and the elimination of sleep. Ininstallment one he is the top headliner engaged to lecture during the symposium. He is prone to public relation gaffes, yet he has grown tired of close PR management by his³wingman³ Vladmir.
Grizzly Pete Adams
: Owner of a small tour bus company. He is Grizzly Bob Adams¶twin brother. He is called upon in installment one to provide bus service to assistGranny¶s enterprise.
Grizzly Bob Adams
: a Vietnam veteran who provides unlicensed family therapy from ahovel on the top of Slide Mountain in the central Catskills.
AmishRage
: An Amish teenager who sneaks off the farm to text, get tattoos and scorewith Goth chicks. Despite first-hand experience with these interesting, potential writingsubjects, AmishRage is preoccupied with writing a lousy fictional work called ³Dukes of Intercourse,´ an Amish version of Dukes of Hazard involving rebellious horsemanleaping their buggies over the state highway. He is the grandson of Pappy, the Amishshed Don. AmishRage dates a Goth chick who belongs to a punk band in Oneonta, NYcalled ³Eliot Spitzer for President´. He becomes the band¶s drummer.
Farmers Gone Soft
: A radical off-shoot of Future Farmers of America. They advocatediscontinuing use of farm animals for food while simultaneously preventing the animalsfrom going extinct. In installment one the group becomes involved in protestingtreatment of Pappy¶s draft horse. The group¶s motto is ³When Animals Hate Mankind,Mankind Is Left Friendless´ represented by the acronym: WAHM-MILF
Larry the Genital Wart Ad Actor:
An actor hired by someone in installment one to pose as an author writing a story similar to Granny¶s life in order to scare her. It is later feared that he was murdered. Like The DA and Vladmir, Larry is a member of Skull andBones. At one point Granny believes Larry is a CIA man sent out to tighten her up. _____________________ Granny Mildred Lynch & Tim Buck II Esq should have done their research before
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uploaded a new revision for this document (#24)

02 / 13 / 2010
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