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Funny One Liners:1)Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.2)If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.3)My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.4)It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.5)A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.6)Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.7)Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.8)No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.9)A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.10)Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist changeplaces.11)Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.12)Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before youneed it.

13)Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when youmake it again.14)Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.15)It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.16)The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.17)A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.18)Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!19)Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.20)Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.21)There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people whodon't work there anymore.22)Save the whales. Collect the whole set.23)I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory24)99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.25)I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.26)

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.27)Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.28)The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.29)I intend to live forever - so far so good.30)Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.31)When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrongway.32)If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.33)No one is listening until you make a mistake.34)Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.35)The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.36)You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.37)The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.38)Change is inevitable except from vending machines.39)Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!40)Always try to be modest and be proud of it!