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Study Guide Annotated Sample 2 Essay Outlines

Study Guide Annotated Sample 2 Essay Outlines

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CC2040 English for Academic Studies (Health Care) – Study Guide
 Annotated Samples 2Essay OutlinesGood Sample 
The following is an authentic text from a student’s sample work; writing errors may occur.
Sections CommentsIntroductionThesis statement
People don’t sign the organ donation card because of theChinese traditional culture, unawareness of the importanceof organ donation, and misconception of organ donation. Asdonating organ after death is meaningful, methods toincrease people’s awareness of it to save others’ lives arealso introduced.
 
The thesis statement statesthe single central idea witha clear plan of development.
 
The main points are statedin a parallel structure.
 
The second sentence is not a part of the “thesisstatement” – where shouldthis be placed?
BodyTopic Sentence 1:
Traditional Chinese culture encourages keeping the intactbody after death.
 Specific Supporting Evidence:
(a)
 
Our bodies are given by parents that should not bedamaged without their permission.(b)
 
It seems to be a curse of early death to yourselves.(c)
 
People are afraid that their families are reluctant to letthem donate the organ.
 
Different reasons are givento explain and to supportthe topic sentence.
 
What is the source of information?
Topic Sentence 2:
People are unaware of the urgency and large demand of organ transplant.
Specific Supporting Evidence
(a)
 
There is a lack of promotion (how to get those cards,what would be done if I sign the card).
 
How does the lack of promotion affect people’sperception of organtransplant?
 
 
CC2040 English for Academic Studies (Health Care) – Study Guide
Topic Sentence 3
People have a lot of misconceptions of organ donation.
Specific Supporting Evidence
(a)
 
People may fear that doctors may not try their best tosave the life of an organ donor.(b)
 
People may worry that they may not be suitable fordonation because of a history of medical illness.(c)
 
People may worry that they are too old to donate theirorgan as the organ may not function well and healthy.(d)
 
They have the misconception of donating all the organsonce they signed the card even they want to donate onlyone of them.
 
The topic sentence is wellsupported by differentexamples of people’smisconceptions aboutorgan donation.
 
Is there any researchevidence to enhance thecredibility of the essay?What is the percentage of people having thesemisconceptions?
General Closing Remark/ Summary
It is suggested that donating organ after death is ameaningful act to save others’ lives. And people areencouraged to sign the organ donation card and change theirmisconceptions about Chinese traditional culture andmisconception of organ donation.Should summarise the essayby briefly restating the thesisand the main supportingpoints. (Often, it’s useful toinclude a concluding thoughtof the writer about the subjectof the paper).
Overall comments
Merits:
 
The students tried to approach the problem from different aspects.Areas for Further Improvement:
 
Research data is needed to strengthen the supporting evidence.
 
Alternative methods should be proposed to address the problem.
 
It would be better for the students to re-state the thesis statement, summarize the mainpoints and present the final thoughts about the topic in the conclusion.
 
CC2040 English for Academic Studies (Health Care) – Study Guide
 Annotated Samples 2Essay OutlinesPoor Sample 
The following is an authentic text from a student’s sample work; writing errors may occur.
Sections CommentsA) IntroductionThesis statement
1)
 
The alertness of the disease of high blood pressure islow in Hong Kong.
 
A thesis statement statingthe topic, attitude/idea andthe plan of development of the essay is needed. Thisthesis statement is anannouncement of the topiconly. The writer’sattitude/main idea and planof development, e.g. causes,impact, solutions aremissing.
B) ReasonsTopic sentence 1:
Over 1.7 billions of Hong Kong peopledo not realize that they have high blood pressure.Specific Supporting Evidence:-
 
According to the Population Health Survey 2003/04 of the Department of Health, 60% of male with high bloodpressure do not know they have the disease.-
 
1 in 5 Hong Kong people have high blood pressure.-
 
1 in 5 Hong Kong people do not have the idea of highblood pressure.
 
A topic sentence (completesentence) is used to outlinethe main idea, but thenumber
1.7 billions
isillogical and inaccurate.
 
Specific supportingevidence with statistics isgiven, but the last two sub-points should be betterlinked to support the topicsentence.
Topic sentence 2
: Hong Kong people do not have bodycheck annually.Specific Supporting Evidence:-
 
Busy life do not allow enough time for them to havebody check.-
 
Unhealthy diet increases the risk of having high bloodpressure.-
 
Signs of high blood pressure are invisible, they knowthey are high blood pressure when they are very ill.-
 
They belittle the consequences of high blood pressure.
 
Only general facts areprovided.
 
Specific supportingevidence with elaborationand research data (e.g.statistics, quotes) is neededto support the topicsentence.

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