CC2040 English for Academic Studies (Health Care) – Study Guide
Annotated Samples 2Essay OutlinesPoor Sample
The following is an authentic text from a student’s sample work; writing errors may occur.
Sections CommentsA) IntroductionThesis statement
The alertness of the disease of high blood pressure islow in Hong Kong.
A thesis statement statingthe topic, attitude/idea andthe plan of development of the essay is needed. Thisthesis statement is anannouncement of the topiconly. The writer’sattitude/main idea and planof development, e.g. causes,impact, solutions aremissing.
B) ReasonsTopic sentence 1:
Over 1.7 billions of Hong Kong peopledo not realize that they have high blood pressure.Specific Supporting Evidence:-
According to the Population Health Survey 2003/04 of the Department of Health, 60% of male with high bloodpressure do not know they have the disease.-
1 in 5 Hong Kong people have high blood pressure.-
1 in 5 Hong Kong people do not have the idea of highblood pressure.
A topic sentence (completesentence) is used to outlinethe main idea, but thenumber
isillogical and inaccurate.
Specific supportingevidence with statistics isgiven, but the last two sub-points should be betterlinked to support the topicsentence.
Topic sentence 2
: Hong Kong people do not have bodycheck annually.Specific Supporting Evidence:-
Busy life do not allow enough time for them to havebody check.-
Unhealthy diet increases the risk of having high bloodpressure.-
Signs of high blood pressure are invisible, they knowthey are high blood pressure when they are very ill.-
They belittle the consequences of high blood pressure.
Only general facts areprovided.
Specific supportingevidence with elaborationand research data (e.g.statistics, quotes) is neededto support the topicsentence.