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Left Unsaid
by Matt Conniry
Everyday I woke up. I breathed another breath and blinked another blink. Everyday I toldmyself it’s the day I will tell her how I really feel, I’ll tell her that I’m more than a best friend. It’swhat I told myself everyday, but every time I saw her I was just too shy. She didn’t look at melike that and I didn’t know why.I walked out of my house, seven thirty, just as always and met Ashley at the end of her driveway. It wasn’t very far considering she was my next-door neighbor. Its been that way for seventeen years and I wouldn’t have it any other way.Before I was close enough to engage in conversation I felt weak by the mere thought of her.The way she moved, the way she played with her hair when she had nothing else to do. Theway she bit her lip and raised her eyebrows every time she saw me, it was my own personal“hello.” We talked like best friends, we played like best friends, but she didn’t know how Ireally felt. I was so reserved with my feelings for her because I knew she didn’t look at me likethat.The bus came and picked us up for school. She kissed me on the cheek and whispered in myear, “best friends forever.” Beguiled by her beauty, another day my feelings left unsaid.One night she called me up in tears. She was completely distraught because she said thelove of her life had broken her heart. Her sorrow was equitably my sorrow. I rushed to her house. She cried on my shoulder and I told her everything would be okay. I told her that anyman who has her in his life is the luckiest man alive. That any sensible man would die to keepher heart beating. A silent tear slipped down my face as I looked into her ocean deep eyes,and stroked her silky hair. I loved her with every ounce of my body, soul, and mind. But I was just too shy to tell her, because she didn’t look at me that way and I didn’t know why. Shereached her head up and kissed me on the cheek. Her weak breath in my ear muttered thewords, “best friends forever.” Her slender body fell silent as she drifted to sleep in my arms.Another day my feelings left unsaid. But each day I’ll wake up and breathe the same thoughtand blink the same idea.I was walking down the hall at school when she caught up to me at my locker. She raised her eyebrows, bit her lip and asked me for a big favor. I asked her what it was, already knowing Iwould say yes no matter what she said. She gave me a big smile and told me that her date for prom was sick and that she wanted me to go with her. We made a promise freshman year that if either one of us didn't have dates we would go with each other. As if I could deny sucha proposal, I looked deep into her eyes - swimming in her beauty - and told her that I wouldbe honored to be the date of such a ravishing woman.After prom I stood at her door looking at her with a poised confidence. The way her hair was
 
done up in some fancy bun, and her lips were shining with some fancy lip stuff. I told her thatshe looked like a model, and if I ever meant something so much it was then. She laughed andtook me in for a big hug. She thanked me for the best night of her life and kissed me on thecheek. She pulled my head down and placed her lips to my ear and whispered once again,the echo of my life, “best friends forever.” O how I wanted to reveal my very soul to her thatvery moment. I wanted to tell her that my heart beats to the rhythmic cadence of her own, thatwithout her my life would be haphazard and blotched, empty and alone. That she is themissing piece to the jigsaw puzzle of my heart. But I reciprocated a kiss on the cheek andclosed the door. Just another day my feelings left unsaid.Graduation day snuck up real quickly, just twenty eight days after prom. To see her walk as if she had the world in her hands was the most beautiful sight. I’d give up the most beautifulscenic view just to see her smile like that. It was like at that very moment all of time stoppedand she was the most important person in the world. O but she was my world and I was justtoo shy to tell her. She came up to me afterward and wrapped her arms around me. She wassaying that we finally made it. I looked at her pearly smile and could only laugh at her excitement. I wanted with all my heart to tell her how I felt, but I could feel the very bedrock of my confidence erode beneath me. She just didn’t look at me like that and I didn’t know why.She kissed me on the cheek and whispered gently in my ear, “don’t ever forget me—bestfriends forever.” Just another day my feelings left unsaid. It’s the plight of my life.I straightened my tie and took a seat in the pew. Who would have thought that just two yearsafter prom I would watch her kiss another man and say “I do.” I watched her bond her relationship with a man I barely knew. She came up to me afterward and was overjoyed that Icame. I let her know that I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Yet inside I was broken, vacant andalone. I was an empty shell—just a hollow frame. All I could do was smile at her fortune,embrace what I would never have and love what would never be mine. She gave me a bighug, pulled me close to her white gown and kissed me on the cheek. She raised her eyebrows, bit her lip and said, “We really are, best friends forever”. Those words were theresonation in my soul, the foundation to my everlasting shame.I stared back at her and could only muster the strength to return a smile. She just didn’t lookat me like that and I didn’t know why. Just another day my feelings left unsaid.Now I stand and stare at her lifeless body. It’s been fifty years since her wedding and never did I imagine that I would ever be alive to see her dead. Her funeral was the funeral for myhearts hope, for my soul’s aspirations. My heart’s emptiness now as deep and as dark as thegrave that awaited her.
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