-Somebody left a lump of Plastercine on my desk – I didn’t know whatto make of it-I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.-"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, andhe said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up asecond time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swervedagain. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' AndI went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happenedto you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'-Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.-So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "Mydog's died.'"-So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" Hesaid "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays-You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So thatwas nice.”-I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull afast one'-You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out thenight before and shoot the fox.”-“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bitchoppy.”-I said to this Scotsman- when you were young, did you have spots? –he said ACH Nay!-I then said I know everything there is about every single town and cityin Scotland – he said “Motherwell?” – I bit of arthritis in the knee butapart from that she’s fine.-So this bloke said to me “Whatever you do don’t mention deodorant” – Isaid, Sure, Mum’s the word-See the advantage of easy origami is…two fold-Want to use my Ice Rink for £2 – I thought, what a cheap skate-Velcro- what a rip off!-I went home to find my wife had filled the house with llamas, when Isaid what have you done? She said I’d told her that what this houseneeded was a llama farm. No, No, No I said a fire alarm-I’d like to tell you about my personality, I’m a quiet and secretiveperson… that’s it really…-I’ll tell you something that will warm your heart, electrically heatedlungs…-I bought my wife for her birthday a massive helium balloon, that didn’tgo down very well. I also bought her cutlery without knives andspoons… it’s the fork that counts!-My friend said to me “Ed, as a young boy, was your mother very strictwith you? – I said, Look, let’s get one thing clear, my mother was never a young boy. Mind you she did beat me with a telephone; I was alwayson the receiving end…
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