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P. 1

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Published by Cory R. Lebow

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Published by: Cory R. Lebow on Nov 15, 2006
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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05/08/2014

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Lights, Camera, ActionActor: A dateless bargain engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct; come, unsavory guide!Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on. The dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark!Here’s to my love! [Drinks] O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss Idie.Actress: What’s here? A cup, closed in my truelove’s hand? Poison, I see, hath been histimeless end. O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kissthy lips. Haply some poison yet cloth hang on them to make me die with a restorative.[Kisses Romeo Soundtress: Kissing sound] Thy lips are warm! [Noise Soundtress:Drunk guy song plays] Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! [Sound of unsheathing] This is they sheath; there rust, and let me die. [Stab and fall]Director: Cut! That’s appalling!Soundtress: [Cut sound,] (Interrupting Director) Slice! Narrator: We enter upon Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. The poor Juliet has just slainherself upon Romeo’s calm bosom in the beautiful name of love.Soundtress: Aww….(in a loving manner) Narrator: The director has cut with a ferocious rage as the two “very amateur” actors havecompletely mutilated the dramatic climax to such a great play.Director: That was absolutely horrendous! You two should never even attempt to actagain! Not even charades!Soundtress: Ching ching ching(sword sounds). Narrator: The director is apparently distraught with such poor acting quality. This could be due to insecurities about himself derived from a lack of love exhibited by his mother.Director: Shut up Narrator! No one asked for your commentary!Actress: [Monotone] My mother never loved me and look how I turned out.Soundtress: Blahhh…(as if coughing up hairball.)Actor: Stop screaming [on the verge of tears] Just stop. You’re ruining my karma.Actress: It’s aura you idiot.Soundtress: Ahhh, (hallelujah style)
 
Actor: That was perfect Monica. [Saying this homosexually] Narrator: Once again we are plagued by the insecurities and inadequacies of the cast andstaff.Soundtress: [In a cough] We can hear you!Actor: I’m going to go do my hair.Director: No one is going anywhere until we get this perfect.Soundtress: Bum. Bum. Bum.Director: Deprice Mono, you sound like you hate him! You are in love! Remember? Soinstead of saying [board and monotone] “Here’s to my love! O true apothecary! Thedrug is quick. Thus with a kiss I die.” The lines should be full of emotion and passion! Itneeds to sound like this, [over dramatically] “Here’s to my love! O true apothecary! Thedrug is quick. Thus with a kiss I die.” [The cast laughs, Director does not notice] AndCi Bobby… You have the emotion… Lord knows you have the emotion… But Romeo isnot always a crying pansy! He is sensitive yet masculine.Actor: [Crying] I am masculine!Actress: Masculine! Ha! Masculine my foot! You’re as masculine as a toy poodle.Soundtress: Ruff, Ruff, Ruff!!Actor: [Still crying] Hey if anything, I would be a French poodle.Actress: Oh that is another thing… Your name is Ci Bobby… you are not even French!Where’s your accent?Actor: I have an accent! I’ve just stream lined the way I talk in order to not offendanyone.Actress: Really? Let’s hear it.Actor: Fine you want to hear it so bad, fine. [Jamaican accent] There mon, I told you Iwas French.Actress: That’s not French you idiot! That’s Jamaican!Actor: No it’s not mon! It’s French.Soundtress: Yeah man, that’s not French. At least eat a crumpet and some tea. Thenyou’d be a little French.
 
Actress: Crumpets and tea! That’s English you dim-witted baboon![Sound of everyone fighting and crazy sound]Soundtress: (Random sounds) Bam, pow, smack! (batman style)Director: Everyone stop!Soundtress: (Crash cymbals)Actor: (Makes little whimper as if frightened)Director: Are we done? Good. Now… does everyone know what they are supposed todo? [Everyone murmers in agreement] Now lets start from where you two screwed uphorribly…Everyone ready? Okay, record in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, action.Soundtress: ACTION!Actor: A dateless bargain engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct; come, unsavory guide!Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on. The dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark!Here’s to my love! [Drinks] O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss Idie.Actress: What’s here? A cup, closed in my truelove’s hand? Poison, I see, hath been histimeless end. O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kissthy lips. Haply some poison yet cloth hang on them to make me die with a restorative.[Kisses Romeo Soundtress: Kissing sound] Thy lips are warm! [Noise Soundtress:Drunk guy song plays] Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! [Sound of unsheathing] This is they sheath; there rust, and let me die. [Stab and fall]Director: Perfect! That was awesome! You see, all you guys needed was the greatdirection of …me. Narrator: And the curtain drops upon a horror tragedy… and by that I mean the actingability of these pitiful actors.[Rooster crows and monkeys howl]

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