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100 CandlesChapter 4: Welcome Home (Part II)
by Sara Sakana
Even though I was ready for it and fully aware that it was just the demon picture having its way withmy brain, I had to shut my eyes and take a few deep breaths to make sure I didn’t do anythingcounterproductive. Like completely flipping my shit and screaming my head off again. That wouldn’thave done anyone any good, least of all me.There are some things you just can’t sufficiently psych yourself up for, ever. It’s impossible. For instance: bees are some awesome little creatures, in theory. Despite the fact that they’re, y’know,
bugs,
they have this incredibly organized society with specialized bees all doing their special jobs in the hiveand building these little architectural marvels out of wax and all that. They’re more or less pacifists bynature, because they know they’ll die if they sting. They carry pollen around and help plants make baby plants. They make delicious honey and wax for candles. None of which will comfort the average Joewho realizes he’s carpooling with one when he’s doing 70 down the highway with all the windowsrolled up.Of course this time I knew something I hadn’t known before, and something Matt hadn’t known at all:this was not real. Knowing that when I saw that white cinderblock wall where the rest of the attic had just been was about as much comfort as Joe Average knowing that the bee crawling up his arm madethe tasty stuff he put on his biscuits the other day.I took a look around this stupid little tiny room. Everything was exactly the same. Bare mattress on thefloor. No sheet or blanket; even though there was nothing for someone to hang himself from in here,they weren’t taking any chances. Camp toilet in the corner, without so much as a sheet hung in front of it. A comb-bound rule book I was supposed to read and initial every page of. A notepad and a crayon, because those of us low enough on the totem pole to be in rooms like this weren’t allowed to talk andcould only communicate by gesturing or writing notes. Except of course in the case of a genuinemedical emergency, which meant basically “imminent death.” The crayon was, of course, the least potentially hazardous writing implement they could give me.Oh, and don’t forget the Bible. With certain passages bookmarked and highlighted to remind me why Iwas here and which I was expected to copy word-for-word onto the blank pages at the end of theaforementioned rule book. Yes, also in crayon.As for me? Prison-like orange jumpsuit (you got gray sweatshirts and pants after two weeks, if you behaved), bare feet. I reached up to check my head and, as I suspected, found it buzzed. The rest of me,I was not happy to note, was sixteen and scrawny.Okay,
 fuck 
that. If this was all in my head, I figured, there was no logical reason for me to be sixteenand scrawny and therefore, I should be able to do something about it.Ray went through this phase a while back where he was all into meditation and shit like that. Of coursehis main objective there wasn’t spiritual enlightenment, it was scoring with chicks who were intomeditation and shit like that. Still, for about two or three months he dragged all these books aroundwith him. He orphaned a book about lucid dreaming at my place once, forgot about it, and never 
 
mentioned it again. So I read the damn thing myself and I tried some of that stuff with limited success.Mostly I’d just wake up every time the
oh hey this is a dream
realization kicked in, which would do meabsolutely no good here. After about a month of half-assedly trying to do more than that, I just kind of forgot about the whole thing. Now I wished I hadn’t, because that knowledge and experience wouldhave come in
very
goddamn handy right about now.I shut my eyes again.
 I am twenty-four years old,
I told myself.
 I have been surfing and swimming and running at least every other day since I was seventeen, my job requires me to be able to move around with heavy-ass equipment on my back, so this scrawny thing? Not so much. This morning I put on a green T-shirt and the jeans with the hole in the back pocket and the black Skechers. And I probably doneed a clip n’ dip but this
 
is
ridiculous. Nothing happened.Fine. If I couldn’t get the whole package back at once, I’d tackle a smaller project and work my way upfrom there.I parked my ass on the bare mattress and closed my eyes again. Right. Hair. My head was cold. Thatwas because I had no damn
hair.
There was supposed to be hair on my head. Dark dirty blonde. A littleon the shaggy side, just long enough that I had to blow or whisk it out of my eyes once in a while. Itmight still smell a little like the coconut White Rain shampoo I accidentally grabbed the other day butdeemed not quite girly enough to throw out and make a special trip to the store over. Kenny had teasedme gently that morning about smelling like a macaroon. It was nothing spectacular but he liked it, and Iliked it, and it was mine and it would keep my head warm and comfortable, just like–  –well, just like it was right now.I reached up, patted myself on the head, found my hair, and almost expected it to fall off like a wig. Thehair stayed where it was supposed to be.Whooping “Fuckin’
 A!
” out loud probably would have brought someone to the room before I wasreally ready to deal with that, so I settled for thinking it. Honestly, it took more effort to stifle that thanit did to grow my damn hair back in the first place.So I
did 
still have some control over this thing. Now to deal with the rest of this scrawny ass.***Some time after the second pb&j fell into the drop box, the lights went out. Yes, I was eating the damnfood, trust me when I say not doing so would have also led to things I was not really ready to deal withand honestly, I was surprised nobody had actually looked in the window and seen me with hair.So I’d gotten my hair back. That was fine. I’d gotten some clothes back–not the ones I was actuallywearing, just the gray sweatpants and sweatshirt one got here. I thought about using the cover of darkness to work on getting back to the right age, but there was yet another thing about this place: thisfucking room was
cold 
at night
.
 Not due to any natural causes, either–they deliberately jacked aroundwith the A/C, keeping rooms like this one
 just 
cold enough to make getting anything near a decentnight’s sleep difficult at best.
Okay,
I thought.
Might as well try something a little different.
Like, perhaps, conjuring up a blanket. And not one of the crappy tiny scratchy wool Army surplus blankets they had around here, either. A
real 
 blanket. A nice fluffy comforter. Just like the one on my bed. Oh man, that comforter was great. I got it for Christmas two years ago; I have no idea where Momfound it, probably Bed Bath & Beyond or some such. It’s some kind of crushed satiny stuff, royal blue
 
on one side and charcoal gray on the other, shiny and soft and cool when you first slide under it. It’s nottoo hot in the summer, it’s cozy in the winter, and it’s perfect with the A/C turned up full blast. Yes.That would have been awesome right then.That’s not quite what appeared. What I actually got was a crappy scratchy wool Army surplus blanketthat reeked of mothballs and was barely long enough to cover me even in a semi-fetal position. Okay. Itwas a blanket and it would do, but either I needed to work on this some more or I didn’t have nearly asmuch control over things as I hoped I would.I wondered how much time had passed in the real world. An hour? A minute? Could it twist time the
other 
way? Now there was a creepy thought, that what looked like eight hours or so here might be ayear or more out there. No, surely Kenny would say that bit of Japanese and knock me out of here long before that.
 If it still works,
some uncertain little voice piped up in the back of my head.
 How do you know it doesn’t build up a tolerance or something?
I very firmly shut that damn voice out. If I kept thinkingabout shit like that, I would panic. And we were
not 
having that. I had way more important things toworry about. Two of them, to be precise: first, where the hell the demon picture was hanging on thisside and second, how the hell I was supposed to get to it.Unless I could figure out how to control things around here enough to open that door myself (I wasn’treally counting on this) or this played out the way it had in real life (I was definitely not counting onthis), there were two ways out of this room. Both of them brought forth that distinct visceral
oh fuck that 
reaction, the kind you get when you’re told to do something that goes against every ounce of common sense you have. The kind where you want to get as far away from whoever’s suggesting it asyou can and stick your fingers in your ears and go
la la la la can’t hear you.
That one.The first way out of here was to play along. Crayon my initials into those blanks in that rulebook, copythose verses, nod and headshake when I was spoken to, and work with the system. Which meantcoming out of this room and going–well, I hadn’t actually been out there myself, but I read enoughstories on the Internet later to have a pretty good idea.The general consensus among the other kids that’d come out of this place and not been completelyfucked up for life was that the regular dorm was very much like a tank full of hungry piranhas, everykid watching the others for anything they could report. Any glance that lingered just a little too long,any touch friendlier than a handshake, anything at all they could report for brownie points. And that’snot even taking into account the group sessions and all that shit. I really wasn’t sure I could deal withdiscussing every sexual encounter and fantasy I’d ever had with a bunch of teenage piranhas under various degrees of brainwashing and an asshole with a two-year psychology degree from East HayseedCommunity College.The second way out of here was to do the exact opposite. Which would, sooner or later, get me taken tothe Director’s office. I’m not entirely sure what would happen there, but just thinking about it made my blood run cold. Even though I knew whatever would happen there wasn’t going to actually
happen,
that’s the option that got the loudest
nononononono!!!
from my gut. Which meant that was probably theoption most likely to lead me to the demon picture.Great.Of course, there was the third option: wait for the gun or knife or whatever the damn thing was going togive me to show up. Which wasn’t an option at all.***
 Jeff?
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