C o n s e n t : F a b u l o u s F u e l f o r S e n s a t i o n a l S e x — J u s t K e e p I t S a f e !
prised you or what you discovered about your partner. Remember that it can be scary to share sexual desires and to talk about them vulnerably.
cut your partner down or punish them for revealing a desire to you. Do your best to be nonjudgmental. If I ﬁnd myself judging, I start thinking of myself as a scientist— a researcher seeking to understand. I ask a lot of questions. Is there room for compatibility when you talk less about the speciﬁc activity and more about why that activity turns you on? Can you meet the turn- on without the speciﬁc activity? Are there fears or misunderstandings that might be addressed? Where could both of you get more education so that you can understand more about the speciﬁc activity and what it means? Could you dip your toes in just a little bit (for example, handcuffs instead of full- body rope bondage)?When Ian and I went together to see Ivy Young, she gave us a kink compatibility checklist. We had already gone through my version of a sim-ilar checklist at home (just going through the list and discussing what we wanted to try turned him on like crazy, and we didn’t get through the list on our ﬁrst attempt). We’d done a lot of communication. Ian was sharing more openly about his hidden desires. I got a clearer picture about where we could play together and why kink was so important to him. Luckily Ian and I discovered by going through my Kink Communication List and doing the “Understanding Turn- ons” exercise that we were pretty much compatible with each other. We had many matching want- tos.Try it for yourself:
KINK COMMUNICATION LIST
Step One: Get Evaluating (Giving)!
Go through the list of activities below and for each one, circle whether you want to do it, you are willing to do it, or there is
you are going to do it on the