k n e w s
march , page 03
w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
‘High Land’ continued
Continued from Page 1
if your name is who you are, well, if you change your name, like, it’s like you’re changing who you are. I’m changing my name,
too. I’m going to be Sunower
Rocketship from now on. I got the idea from this sweet album I, like, heard in Amsterdam. Want to lis-ten?”Not everyone is so enthusias-tic about the new title, however.
Candy Kane, a fth-year senior,
complained that the Heiland could have received a better theme for its makeover. “I was really hoping it would become the Pie Land Lec-ture,” she lamented on her Live- journal account. “I know it’s great that they’re giving out free chips and all, but I would much rather they gave out free pie.” This senti-ment is shared by a small but pas-sionate group of students, who are busily gathering signatures on a petition to “Resurrect Pie Land,” which so far has met with minor support. Other rejected titles in-clude the Cry Land lecture, a sem-inar about feelings, and the Why Land? lecture, in which speakers would come and expound upon the possibilities of human settle-ments in space or underwater colonies. If the new lecture title does not draw more students to the talks, President Scoggins has promised to entertain some of the other possible themes. He allows, however, that this is “highly unlike-ly” to occur.
Putin’s pokemon cont.
Continued from Page 1
zoo. Crimea is a peninsula right between Russia and Ukraine in the Black Sea. Aside from a small slice of land connecting it to Ukraine, Crimea looks like an island. Crimea is home to many water Pokémon that cannot be found in Russia. The Black Sea is infested with Tentacool, but the bodies of water on Crimea itself are home to one of the greatest variet-ies of water Pokémon in the world. “I have always wanted a Laparas and maybe one of the new start-ers, the cute little blue frog,” Putin was overheard saying just before Russia’s parliament approved his request to use force in Ukraine to “protect Russian interests” on March 1st. Ukraine saw their ap-proval as a declaration of war. But in return for their cooperation, Pu-
tin oered Crimea a chance to see
the Articuno that Russians claim to have captured in Siberia. On March 6th, Crimea’s parliament voted to join Russia, and sent the vote to the people. Vladimir Putin’s Pokémon party currently includes a level 15 Geodude, a level 12 Nosepass, and a level 11 Jynx. Needless to say, it is not intimidating. Putin claims that his goal is simply to complete his Pokédex. But the par-liament elected interim president of Ukraine Olexander Turchynov says that they cannot ever give up the collection of rare Pokémon to Russia. “It was Ukrainian people to worked hard to catch these Pokémon, not our former presi-dent.” While Ukraine continues to resist Russia’s seize on their popu-lation of Pokémon, the rest of the world stands with them. Barack Obama pledged to stand with Ukraine during a meeting with in-terim Prime Minister Arseniy Yatse-nyuk at the White House on March 12th. And on March 17th, the EU and US imposed travel bans and
asset freezes on several ocials
from Russia and Ukraine over the Crimea referendum. But as Rus-sian troops stormed a military base in Simeropol, Crimea on March
18th, a Ukrainian ocer’s Laparas
was stolen from him. The next day Ukraine started making plans to withdraw soldiers and their families from Crimea. “A Pokémon battle is expected, but stealing some-one’s Laparas which he has raised from an egg is something only team Rocket wouldn’t do.” Interim president Turchynov told the press. While the EU and US have extend-ed sanctions on Russia, the future for Ukraine and their Pokémon is still unknown. Vladimir Putin is currently 62 years old and well past the age of the typical aspiring Pokémon master. It is widely believed that Putin is attempting to take over the world and all their Pokémon just as Giovanni once did in the Kanto re-gion of Japan.
Only buy 300 pack-ets and give over half of them away to friends. You’re welcome friends. Maybe if we had known the pedometers were going to be such a big hit we would have bought more.
Wednesday. You may have thought all the money raised by Alphatraz is going to charity but really we are taking it for ourselves. Hope you did not volunteer to get locked in jail be-cause you are never getting out.
Thursday. Ap-proximately 9 people will be laughing at this year’s comedian and that will be the MAC executive council. Fooling the entire campus at into thinking E-Days was actual-ly happening is a pretty solid April Fool’s prank. As for casino night, you can gamble all you want, but the real gamble is whether or not there is going to be a concert.
Friday. Looking forward to burritos and ice cream sandwiches on the Ore Cart Pull? Too bad, I already ate them. And this year, Blaster will be pulling the ore cart with me inside. No
How I ruined Galax-e Days
way I’m walking all seven of those miles. Forget the ROI articles, the next news report Mines will be in will be titled: “Engineering school works school mascot to death.” What’s better than a reputation of animal abuse? At the Friday Night ‘Event,’ the only Sound Remedy you’ll be getting is a good night’s sleep.
Saturday. Card-board boat race? New name: Cardboard gloat race. It’s just going to be me, sitting on a ped-estal of cardboard while I’m fan-ning myself with the Alphatraz cash. The only bad thing is that the cardboard will be weighed down by all of the hoarded pack-ets. And what’s all the excitement about 303 about? Isn’t that a zip code?
It’s pretty well known that MAC is the laziest, largest waste of student funds out there. That’s why this year we are requesting even more money! We may be saying this will help us buy more E-Days packets for you all next year, but really we will just be distributing the money amongst ourselves (as we do every year). So I hope you all have a terrible E-Days; I’ve worked very hard to make it a reality.
Colin Marshal, Kit Pfeiffer and Samara Omar
Klingon High Council
Geology dept. moves to Kafadar
Mines administration, USG, GSG, and the Geology Department have all agreed that having a department building for Geology is useless, so all Geology classes will now be held out in Kafadar. “They’re always on Kafa-dar anyway,” said President Scoggins. This includes the classes already out on Kafadar, such as Structural Geol-ogy, but will also include freshman GEOL101 all the way to graduate-level petrology. TAs and professors
will hold oce hours while hammock
-ing or slacklining. The move has been met with out-rage from the Slacklining Club and other students who frequent the com-mons for recreation. The Geophysics Department is also saddened and angered, as Kafadar is an extremely geologically interesting area to do gravity, magnetic, electrical, and elec-tromagnetic surveys. Geophysics has countered by buying a portion of the
IM elds to do surveys on.
Because of the eyesore that Ber-thoud Hall is architecturally, it will be knocked down to make way for new infrastructure. Many have suggested a parking lot, but another building for the Petroleum Department will be built
with another Starbucks on the rst oor and a Burger King on the 6th oor. The building will be called Mar
-cus Hall.Geology students are content with Kafadar as their new home. Instead of long nights studying in Berthoud, they have begun studying at Coors Lab. Mines has been very helpful during the transition, and has even bought all the geology students new colored pencils.
D I N O S A U R S
Everyone on campus has seen the strange stone sculpture on Ka-fadar Commons. No one is really sure what it is supposed to be or why it is there. Recently, there has been an executive decision made
by ocials at the school that the
strange three rock stone sculpture is to come down and be replaced. The statue is to be replaced by something much larger and more straight forward. The current statue will be de-molished to make way for a new statue of a dinosaur. Not just any dinosaur, but a life size replica of a Sauroposeidon dinosaur. These dinosaurs stood sixty feet tall and were about 108 feet long. There is some question of how the statue
will t on Kafadar Commons but
the school is already looking into solutions to any potential space issues. One of their primary solu-tions to not having enough room is to suggest moving Meyer Hall. There is no news yet as to where it would be relocated to but surely
the school would gure something
out that would work for the Phys-ics Department. The dinosaur statue will be hand carved from a single block of granite; they are still looking for one big enough. The design was sketched out by the one and only Luis Jimenez, who created the ‘devil horse’ by Denver Internation-al Airport. The plans were made before his untimely death while constructing the ‘devil horse’. Luckily for the school, however,
he was able to completely nish
the sketch for Colorado School of Mines’ new dinosaur statue. The statue will not have glowing eyes or anything terrifying like that; it will simply be immense in size. Keep an eye out for the dinosaur statue that is coming to the Colorado School of Mines near you.
Search for room continues
In a stunning press release earlier this week, famous political pundit Bill O’ Reilly announced that his show “The O’Reilly Fac-tor” is indeed a hoax. O’Reilly has been trolling America in one of the greatest pranks since the NASA “moon landing”. Best known for his scathing commen-taries on the Democrats and an undying love for guns, freedom, lower taxes, and screaming at guests until he becomes red in the face, O’Reilly has quickly be-come one of the most beloved pundits on Fox News. Apparently, that persona has been a sham meant to see how gullible the av-erage American could be. When asked to elaborate, O’Reilly had this to say: “Well of course it’s a joke, how could anyone take this show seriously? I mean, come on, I compared South Chicago to Haiti and advocated kidnapping and water boarding Nancy Pelosi. Didn’t anyone get the hint that I’m trolling right wing nut jobs?” As this news breaks, it leaves much to be answered for dedicated fans of “The O’Reilly Factor” who must surely be reevaluating their life choices. The disappearance of room MH370 has left the Mines cam-pus in shock. In such an inter-connected community, it seemed impossible to lose something as large as a physics classroom. However, the unthinkable be-came reality on Saturday, March 8 when the room disappeared without a trace. At 12:41 am, a physics stu-dent walked around Meyer trying to look for the room, but could
not nd it. He left his pillow in the
room and needed to take a nap. He decided to take his napping outside to Kafadar commons, and did not report anything. The next evening, a common hour exam was set to occur in MH370. Actually, two exams were set to occur, due to an error in scheduling. This left Physics I
and Scientic Computing stu
dents doubly baed as to where
they were supposed to take their exams. The students were then sent to Berthoud 108 and Coolbaugh 209 and instructed to share desks with students al-ready in there taking a ProbStats test.Professor Chuck Stone is in charge of the search for MH370. Stone told the Oredigger, “Wow!
Can you believe it…I can’t nd
this room! Would you look at this! A blue box!” As Stone said, there is a blue box in the middle of the
third oor hallway of Meyer, simi
-lar to a black box. The blue box on MH370 may hold clues as to what happened. Time traveling aliens are suspected in all of this.