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The Oredigger Issue 21 - March 31, 2014

The Oredigger Issue 21 - March 31, 2014

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Published by The Oredigger
The Oredigger, Volume 94, Issue 21
The Oredigger, Volume 94, Issue 21

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Published by: The Oredigger on Apr 01, 2014
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 THE GOLDDIGGER
Sports 11Opinion 12
Never gonna run around and desert you
Features 6
Never gonna let you down
News 3
Never gonna give you up
 Volume 93, Issue 21March 31, 2014
 The drunken voice of the Wines School of Colorado
 w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
Never gonna make you cry
New ‘High Land’ lectures take on increasingly philosophical theme
Nyan Cat named unofficial mascot for Galax-EDays. Concert line-up change to ten hours of Nyan Cat theme song on loop.
INTERNET USER
In honor of the legalization of marijuana in the state of Colorado, the name of the weekly Geophys-ics departmental lecture is being
offi cially changed from Heiland to High Land lecture. The university
president has assured the public
that this is not meant to reflect the local elevation of Golden (about six thousand feet above sea level,
which is fairly high in and of itself) but is rather a way to honor the new law, which President Scoggins has called “a truly groundbreaking piece of legislation” about which
he is “totally stoked”. A renaming ceremony is planned for April 20th, in which students are invited to
gather at the Green Center with their smoking paraphernalia and
enjoy brownies, chips, and various
other “munchies” with the president
and Geophysics faculty. Attendees
of the seminar will be allowed to smoke during the hour-long talk, a
controversial decision. A poll was taken among the
students and faculty to select the
Heiland’s new title after low atten-
Hope Sisley
Red Shirt
dance convinced the Geophysics
department that the lecture series
needed a makeover. The new theme, the High Land lecture, was
selected with a ninety-eight percent
majority, beating out several other suggested titles.
When asked their opinion of the name change, students in the geo-physics department were generally
positive. “I think it’s freakin’ awe-
some, man,” Eden Potter, a junior,
told the Gold Digger. “I’ve been
going to those talks for, like, three years, and they could really use a
bong hit, if you ask me.” Stone Freeman, a senior, agreed. “I already go to the Heiland high.  This will just give me an excuse to
smoke during the lecture, instead of
 just before and after it. Plus they’re totes providing Cheetos now, and I love Cheetos more than life itself. For real.” The Gold Digger also interviewed
the graduate student population
and found grad students to be even more in favor of the change than the undergrads. Mimi Hendrix, a fourth-year master’s student, tried
to articulate why she likes the new
name. “Well, it’s, I mean, it’s like,
Leah Hill
Red Shirt
Vladimir Putin invades Crimea in endless quest to ‘catch-em-all’
 As we all probably know by now, Russia wants to take over the world, and is starting with Ukraine. On March 16th Crimean people voted to secede from Ukraine and  join Russia with an overwhelming 97% in favor of joining Russia. There have also been whispers of Russia annexing Kazakhstan. But why is
all this happening? Why is Vladimir Putin so determined to spread Rus-
sia’s borders? The answer became evident when Putin addressed the
media simply saying, “I gotta catch ‘em all!”Not many people know, but Rus-
sia is home to a very small variety of Pokémon. There are Rock types in
the plains of Russia and Ice types
in Siberia, but not much else. Putin
was willing to accept his fate of
having a two-note Pokémon party
until the Ukrainian people ousted
former president Yanukovych on February 22nd. When Yanukovych’s
house was explored by the press
on February 26th, everyone was shocked at what was found. The president’s house was an enormous estate with sculptures everywhere, a manmade lake with an 18th century themed yacht floating on it, a private
golf course, a classic car museum, grand dining halls with crystal chandeliers and gold plated walls,
fireplaces everywhere, and the big tamale: his own private zoo. This
zoo is home to rare Pokémon from
all around the world.
It was shortly after the zoo was
discovered that Putin made his move for Ukraine. While the best
and most rare Pokémon are in
Kiev, it was out of his reach. So
he decided to go for all the water
Pokémon in Crimea first. Russian
armed forces were sent into Crimea
on February 27th-28th just one day after the discovery of the Pokémon
 
n e w s
march , page 
 w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
Oredigger Staff 
Lucy Orsi
 Admiral 
Emily McNair 
Vice Admiral 
Taylor Polodna
Rear Admiral 
Connor McDonald
Rear Admiral 
Amos Gwa
Ferengi 
Arnaud Filliat
Missing in Action
Katerina Gonzales
Lieutenant 
Jared Riemer 
Lieutenant 
Karen Gilbert
Faculty Advisor 
Headlines from around the world
Local News
 The City of Golden is looking to repave all of the streets in the city. The asphalt will be multiple colors, but blue will dominate. Members of the city council note that this change will make Gold-en more memorable to tourists and does not drastically add to the cost.
 The Jefferson County Sheriff 
has dedicated part of the force to round up animals on the east
side of highway 6. The offi cers
will guide the animals across the road during both morning and evening rush hour. Animals include elk, deer, and skunks, and the operation will begin im-mediately.Clear Creek will be diverted
onto the Colorado School of
Mines campus for E-Days. This will allow more people to at-tend the cardboard boat race on
Saturday. Additionally, multiple
boats will be launched at the same time, allowing participants to attack each other as they go down the creek.
 The State Senate passed a
law requiring all vacuums to be sold with warnings in various lan-guages, including cat and dog.  These warnings must be printed on the vacuum in bold colors and must say exactly what the vacuum will do and tell pets not to be afraid of it. The law goes
into effect August 24, 2027.
Ramiro Rodriguez
, Red Shirt
Ramiro Rodriguez
, Red Shirt
Russian President Vladimir Pu-tin has signed a law formalizing the annexation of Europe. While no one else is recognizing the annexation, Putin said while
Bond-villainously stroking a white cat
 “muahaha-
ha, let them protest, first Europe,
next the world”. The United Nations has announced a plans to pass a resolution to send a rather strongly worded letter at some point assum-ing Russia doesn’t veto the resolu-tion or failing to pass the resolution, will make Russia sit with the lame countries at the UN cafeteria.
In a joint effort by the Depart-ment of Homeland Security and the National Security Agency, citizens of the United States are
now having their
pornographic preference monitored
 and will be required to have this informa-tion on their ID cards. The claim is being made by the Director of the
NSA that this is purely a security is-
sue and is “totally not being done because its funny and who would stop us, I mean really”. Privacy ac-tivists are imploring citizens to raise awareness of this massive invasion of privacy, and also that using the ‘Faxes Received’ folder isn’t fooling anyone.
Legendary film director and
producer Tommy Wiseau, director and producer of “The Room,” has
announced plans to film a movie
adaptation of the hit game Candy
Crush Saga. The film will center
around the
life of a candy farmer
 played by Wiseau who will journey throughout a strange and fantasti-
cal land to find his missing wife Lisa
as well as the meaning of life. While
the filming is facing overwhelmingly
negative attention, famed reviewer Ramiro Rodriguez had to say “I’ve never been more excited for any movie ever. The only thing that could make this better is a cameo
by the Sharknado.”In an effort to reduce welfare
fraud, the state of Louisiana has
launched a $150M initiative to cre-
ate a system that evaluates how much people like a particular food so that EBT cards can only be used on
food that people don’t actu-ally enjoy.
 The process will involve nationwide surveying of every food product available for purchase and creating a score for each one.  Those on welfare will only be al-lowed to purchase food rated as Mediocre or worse.  According to a new law passed in Texas,
women will now be subjected to an hour long slide-show of children playing with small animals
before receiving medical advice as pertaining to the termination of a pregnancy. Law-makers say that this is absolutely not religiously motivated and they “just want to make sure women don’t do things they regret; aww, look at them playing with the kitty, aww, aww, look at it”. While the move has drawn ire and protests around the country, lawmakers are for the most part seeing the bill as something to be produced in their own states.In food news, fast food chain McDonald’s has announced their latest menu item,
the McBurger.
 The McBurger is a triple patty burg-er that has cheeseburgers instead of buns. The move is seen as an attempt to legitimize a popular ‘se-cret menu’ item as well as prevent the embarrassment of employees as drunk and or high customers attempt to order the menu item whose name cannot be put into print or said in polite society. The menu item is being announced in states in reverse order of average number of heart attack related fa-talities using a commercial parody-ing the MTV reality show ‘Pimp My Ride’.
Boulder, CO
 - Researchers for the Center for Rec-
reational Marijuana Studies in Boulder, Colorado, have released a study definitively proving that “Dark Side of
the Moon” does in fact sync up to “The Wizard of Oz” and that it is “really far out and trippy, man”. While work
is still being done to confirm the discovery, experts in the field of watching movies while high are already hail-ing this the greatest discovery in the field since the dis-
covery that “Another Brick in the Wall” syncs up with “Wall-E,” known as Another Brick in the Wall-E.
Stanford University 
 - Researchers at Stanford Uni-
versity’s Department of Psychology have concluded that
fedoras, flat caps, trilbys, pork pie hats, and an assort-
ment of other headwear are only worn in an attempt to supplement a complete lack of personality or interesting characteristics. According to the study, the hat-wearing subjects make body language trying to bring the focus of the non-hat subject towards their own hat and not them-selves. This happens with a tirade on why hats are no
longer in vogue in a last-ditch effort to hold the interest of the person being spoken to. While the effects are more
pronounced around the opposite sex, the attempts are
equally ineffective to seeming interesting.
International Space Station
 - An international team of
scientists stationed at the International Space Station, locat-
ed in space, has determined that the sun is hot. After years of study on the center of the solar system, head research Maj. Oliver Bivious claims that “the sun is really, really, unbeliev-ably hot, like, if you tried to lick it you would die.” The study was ended when a supply shipment from Earth contained a
Snapple bottle whose cap made the staggering discovery.
North Pole
 - Researchers at a research center at the North Pole have discovered the ruins of what appears to be a factory
which many say could be the ruins of the fabled “Santa’s Work-shop”. The floor is littered with weapons crafted from factory
equipment and toys as well as an odd shimmering red liquid that
contains a large amount of iron. Signs at the scene point to the de-
struction of this place being caused by an insurrection done by the working underclass, including a lsign that cryptologists have de-termined says “The beatings will continue until morale improves”.
COURTESY FRANCES AND LYNNE
 
k n e w s
march 󰀳󰀱, 󰀲󰀰󰀱󰀴page 03
 w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
Hope Sisley
Red Shirt
‘High Land’ continued 
Continued from Page 1
if your name is who you are, well, if you change your name, like, it’s like you’re changing who you are. I’m changing my name,
too. I’m going to be Sunower
Rocketship from now on. I got the idea from this sweet album I, like, heard in Amsterdam. Want to lis-ten?”Not everyone is so enthusias-tic about the new title, however.
Candy Kane, a fth-year senior,
complained that the Heiland could have received a better theme for its makeover. “I was really hoping it would become the Pie Land Lec-ture,” she lamented on her Live- journal account. “I know its great that they’re giving out free chips and all, but I would much rather they gave out free pie.” This senti-ment is shared by a small but pas-sionate group of students, who are busily gathering signatures on a petition to “Resurrect Pie Land,” which so far has met with minor support. Other rejected titles in-clude the Cry Land lecture, a sem-inar about feelings, and the Why Land? lecture, in which speakers would come and expound upon the possibilities of human settle-ments in space or underwater colonies. If the new lecture title does not draw more students to the talks, President Scoggins has promised to entertain some of the other possible themes. He allows, however, that this is “highly unlike-ly” to occur.
Leah Hill
Red Shirt
Putin’s pokemon cont.
Continued from Page 1
zoo. Crimea is a peninsula right between Russia and Ukraine in the Black Sea. Aside from a small slice of land connecting it to Ukraine, Crimea looks like an island. Crimea is home to many water Pokémon that cannot be found in Russia. The Black Sea is infested with Tentacool, but the bodies of water on Crimea itself are home to one of the greatest variet-ies of water Pokémon in the world. “I have always wanted a Laparas and maybe one of the new start-ers, the cute little blue frog,” Putin was overheard saying just before Russia’s parliament approved his request to use force in Ukraine to “protect Russian interests” on March 1st. Ukraine saw their ap-proval as a declaration of war. But in return for their cooperation, Pu-
tin oered Crimea a chance to see
the Articuno that Russians claim to have captured in Siberia. On March 6th, Crimea’s parliament voted to  join Russia, and sent the vote to the people. Vladimir Putin’s Pokémon party currently includes a level 15 Geodude, a level 12 Nosepass, and a level 11 Jynx. Needless to say, it is not intimidating. Putin claims that his goal is simply to complete his Pokédex. But the par-liament elected interim president of Ukraine Olexander Turchynov says that they cannot ever give up the collection of rare Pokémon to Russia. “It was Ukrainian people to worked hard to catch these Pokémon, not our former presi-dent.” While Ukraine continues to resist Russia’s seize on their popu-lation of Pokémon, the rest of the world stands with them. Barack Obama pledged to stand with Ukraine during a meeting with in-terim Prime Minister Arseniy Yatse-nyuk at the White House on March 12th. And on March 17th, the EU and US imposed travel bans and
asset freezes on several ocials
from Russia and Ukraine over the Crimea referendum. But as Rus-sian troops stormed a military base in Simeropol, Crimea on March
18th, a Ukrainian ocer’s Laparas
was stolen from him. The next day Ukraine started making plans to withdraw soldiers and their families from Crimea. “A Pokémon battle is expected, but stealing some-one’s Laparas which he has raised from an egg is something only team Rocket wouldn’t do.” Interim president Turchynov told the press. While the EU and US have extend-ed sanctions on Russia, the future for Ukraine and their Pokémon is still unknown. Vladimir Putin is currently 62 years old and well past the age of the typical aspiring Pokémon master. It is widely believed that Putin is attempting to take over the world and all their Pokémon just as Giovanni once did in the Kanto re-gion of Japan.
Step one:
 Only buy 300 pack-ets and give over half of them away to friends. You’re welcome friends. Maybe if we had known the pedometers were going to be such a big hit we would have bought more.
Step two:
Wednesday. You may have thought all the money raised by Alphatraz is going to charity but really we are taking it for ourselves. Hope you did not volunteer to get locked in jail be-cause you are never getting out.
Step Three:
 Thursday. Ap-proximately 9 people will be laughing at this year’s comedian and that will be the MAC executive council. Fooling the entire campus at into thinking E-Days was actual-ly happening is a pretty solid April Fool’s prank. As for casino night, you can gamble all you want, but the real gamble is whether or not there is going to be a concert.
Step Four:
 Friday. Looking forward to burritos and ice cream sandwiches on the Ore Cart Pull?  Too bad, I already ate them. And this year, Blaster will be pulling the ore cart with me inside. No
How I ruined Galax-e Days
way I’m walking all seven of those miles. Forget the ROI articles, the next news report Mines will be in will be titled: “Engineering school works school mascot to death.” What’s better than a reputation of animal abuse? At the Friday Night ‘Event,’ the only Sound Remedy you’ll be getting is a good night’s sleep.
Step Five:
Saturday. Card-board boat race? New name: Cardboard gloat race. It’s just going to be me, sitting on a ped-estal of cardboard while I’m fan-ning myself with the Alphatraz cash. The only bad thing is that the cardboard will be weighed down by all of the hoarded pack-ets. And what’s all the excitement about 303 about? Isn’t that a zip code?
Final Step:
 It’s pretty well known that MAC is the laziest, largest waste of student funds out there. That’s why this year we are requesting even more money! We may be saying this will help us buy more E-Days packets for you all next year, but really we will just be distributing the money amongst ourselves (as we do every year). So I hope you all have a terrible E-Days; I’ve worked very hard to make it a reality.
Colin Marshal, Kit Pfeiffer and Samara Omar 
Klingon High Council
Katerina Gonzalez
Lieutenant
Geology dept. moves to Kafadar 
Mines administration, USG, GSG, and the Geology Department have all agreed that having a department building for Geology is useless, so all Geology classes will now be held out in Kafadar. “They’re always on Kafa-dar anyway,” said President Scoggins.  This includes the classes already out on Kafadar, such as Structural Geol-ogy, but will also include freshman GEOL101 all the way to graduate-level petrology. TAs and professors
will hold oce hours while hammock 
-ing or slacklining. The move has been met with out-rage from the Slacklining Club and other students who frequent the com-mons for recreation. The Geophysics Department is also saddened and angered, as Kafadar is an extremely geologically interesting area to do gravity, magnetic, electrical, and elec-tromagnetic surveys. Geophysics has countered by buying a portion of the
IM elds to do surveys on.
Because of the eyesore that Ber-thoud Hall is architecturally, it will be knocked down to make way for new infrastructure. Many have suggested a parking lot, but another building for the Petroleum Department will be built
with another Starbucks on the rst oor and a Burger King on the 6th oor. The building will be called Mar
-cus Hall.Geology students are content with Kafadar as their new home. Instead of long nights studying in Berthoud, they have begun studying at Coors Lab. Mines has been very helpful during the transition, and has even bought all the geology students new colored pencils.
Jacquie Feuerborn
Red Shirt
D I N O S A U R S
Everyone on campus has seen the strange stone sculpture on Ka-fadar Commons. No one is really sure what it is supposed to be or why it is there. Recently, there has been an executive decision made
by ocials at the school that the
strange three rock stone sculpture is to come down and be replaced.  The statue is to be replaced by something much larger and more straight forward. The current statue will be de-molished to make way for a new statue of a dinosaur. Not just any dinosaur, but a life size replica of a Sauroposeidon dinosaur. These dinosaurs stood sixty feet tall and were about 108 feet long. There is some question of how the statue
will t on Kafadar Commons but
the school is already looking into solutions to any potential space issues. One of their primary solu-tions to not having enough room is to suggest moving Meyer Hall.  There is no news yet as to where it would be relocated to but surely
the school would gure something
out that would work for the Phys-ics Department. The dinosaur statue will be hand carved from a single block of granite; they are still looking for one big enough. The design was sketched out by the one and only Luis Jimenez, who created the ‘devil horse’ by Denver Internation-al Airport. The plans were made before his untimely death while constructing the ‘devil horse’. Luckily for the school, however,
he was able to completely nish
the sketch for Colorado School of Mines’ new dinosaur statue. The statue will not have glowing eyes or anything terrifying like that; it will simply be immense in size. Keep an eye out for the dinosaur statue that is coming to the Colorado School of Mines near you.
Katerina Gonzales
Lieutenant
Search for room continues
Chris Oestreich
Red Shirt
O’Reilly trolls
In a stunning press release earlier this week, famous political pundit Bill O’ Reilly announced that his show “The O’Reilly Fac-tor” is indeed a hoax. O’Reilly has been trolling America in one of the greatest pranks since the NASA “moon landing”. Best known for his scathing commen-taries on the Democrats and an undying love for guns, freedom, lower taxes, and screaming at guests until he becomes red in the face, O’Reilly has quickly be-come one of the most beloved pundits on Fox News. Apparently, that persona has been a sham meant to see how gullible the av-erage American could be. When asked to elaborate, O’Reilly had this to say: “Well of course it’s a  joke, how could anyone take this show seriously? I mean, come on, I compared South Chicago to Haiti and advocated kidnapping and water boarding Nancy Pelosi. Didn’t anyone get the hint that I’m trolling right wing nut jobs?” As this news breaks, it leaves much to be answered for dedicated fans of “The O’Reilly Factor” who must surely be reevaluating their life choices. The disappearance of room MH370 has left the Mines cam-pus in shock. In such an inter-connected community, it seemed impossible to lose something as large as a physics classroom. However, the unthinkable be-came reality on Saturday, March 8 when the room disappeared without a trace. At 12:41 am, a physics stu-dent walked around Meyer trying to look for the room, but could
not nd it. He left his pillow in the
room and needed to take a nap. He decided to take his napping outside to Kafadar commons, and did not report anything. The next evening, a common hour exam was set to occur in MH370. Actually, two exams were set to occur, due to an error in scheduling. This left Physics I
and Scientic Computing stu
-
dents doubly baed as to where
they were supposed to take their exams. The students were then sent to Berthoud 108 and Coolbaugh 209 and instructed to share desks with students al-ready in there taking a ProbStats test.Professor Chuck Stone is in charge of the search for MH370. Stone told the Oredigger, “Wow!
Can you believe it…I can’t nd
this room! Would you look at this!  A blue box!” As Stone said, there is a blue box in the middle of the
third oor hallway of Meyer, simi
-lar to a black box. The blue box on MH370 may hold clues as to what happened. Time traveling aliens are suspected in all of this.

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