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26Dear Dad;I wish you were here nowI wish you were there thenI feel pain nowIt was there then, but it was unsafe to let it outI am a human being and I still shitI felt you uncomfortable around me as soon as you would not accept or change itAccept me and my anger insideIt has got to come outCan you let me be me?My head was screwed.You would say, “Get your head screwed on straight, grow up!”Like you – grow up to be like you – you would like that.What do I have to do to get you to like me?Grow upDo not get angryDo not get him mad, or sad, or anything tike thatDo not cry.You told me how to beYou made me; but it was not me“Shape up or ship out!” you saidSo I didYou did not see meI left and I have been lost to myself sinceDad I am hurt, I am sad and I am angry“Grow up and stop being such a baby!” repeats in my headBut, I was a babyYour favorite response: “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”Can you see that this hurt me?I am starting to cry now dadDoes that make you happy?Deny me my tearsWhere were you when I needed you?“Don’t bother me.”I will not bother youI need you to let me in
 
 I know your pain and anger now because you gave it to me thenI want to be freeTake it back Take me back Let me be meDad, love me for meDo you know why I quit baseball? It was not because I was injured and could hardlywalk. It was because I was not good enough. Jesus! What if I was good enough and Imade an error? Dad, for you their were ‘no excuses.’ I could not be perfect. I mademistakes. That I could only be a failure impressed me most.I have a right to be angry with youCan you let that be a part of me?Dad, I am ok as I amWhen I shit or make a messWhen I am human and make a mistakeWhen I am a ‘big baby’ and cryWhen I am sadJust let me be mad“Wipe that smirk off your face.”“What do you want now?”Your attention, and I have got it nowBut, it is an angry you, and I am a bother It’s time to hideDad.I do not want to hide anymore.Mom says, “You should not upset dads’ feelings”Why not?“Because he will get angry”And it is not good to get dad angryI am bad if I get dad angryDad is angry so I must be badDad I had to stuff all of my feelings to take care of yoursWhere were you?At work: drinking, sleeping, awayI must be bad because you’re mad“What is the matter now? Nothing!“Don’t give me that.”I got him angry now
 
Do you want to know what was the matter?It was meI wanted to matter But – I had wants, needs and desiresBut – “Don’t bother me now” was the message I gotDo you know that I came to believe that to want anything was a bother?I became a bother to youWanting became wrongFor me wanting made you angryWell I am angry now. And it is to bad if your feelings are hurt. They are your feelings.You have your feelings and I have mine. They are different. I am giving yours back toyou. I will keep my own.Dad yells, “Mother, could you take care of this?”“Marie, do something.”I had to be without you when I needed you mostWhen I was hurt, when I was sad and when I was mad.You couldn’t take my feelings so I swallowed them to stop upsetting yoursThen I ate your feelings for breakfast, lunch and dinner.Why did you work so much?Why did you drink?Why did you go to bed so early?Why was it my responsibility to let you in the back door when you could not put the keyin the lock to let yourself in? You fell on the floor, you cried, you told me that you lovedme and you told me not to tell mom.I could not take care of you.Why, when you were drunk, did you tell me that you were going to die soon? I felt youimplying that I was going to have to take care of the family; that I would soon have to bethe “Man” of the family. But, I was just a boy with a paper route.I could not take care of mom and my siblings without you..God!What was I supposed to say to you? What was I supposed to do? Should I get a better  job? Could I fix you? How could I take care of you and make sure you would be allright?Dad, let me tell you what I did. You were crying while you were telling me that you weregoing to die soon. I knew that “Big boys don’t cry” and I didn’t cry. I became the big boyand grew up to fast. Dad, I wish you had grown up.Do you see why I am sad, dad?Do you see why I am mad?Should I go on or is this enough?There is more of this stuff.This is rough.
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maurygart

Letter to My Father

reply10 / 25 / 2009
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