The Pope and the Condom
After decades of battling the condom as the evil side of latex the Catholic Church is set tomake a shocking reversal on its stance on condom use early next week.Ever since the appearance of condoms the Catholic Church has seen them as an assaulton Christian sexual values due to the fact that they stop the natural outcome of sex,children, and are heavily used by Protestants.However, as an increasing number of young Catholic couples are now using condoms tohave “fun sex” and to “plan their families” the Catholic Church has found itself under increasing pressure to ease it restriction on condom use.While the pressure is building, traditionalist Cardinal Angelo Scola explained why theCatholic Church theologically has had a problem with condoms.“We believe every sperm is sacred and good,” Cardinal Scola steadfastly said, “It maysound silly to say but the Catholic Church is pro-sperm and believes every sperm shouldhave the chance to race to the egg (hopefully to become a child) and not just be discardeddown the toilet or in the trash next to last week’s leftovers.”While this theological belief has been the driving force behind Catholic condom bashing progressive Cardinal Achille Silvestrini of Italy finally found a way, earlier this year, toallow condom use without willfully wasting sperm.According to Cardinal Silvestrini’s proposal Catholics would be allowed to use condomsif all emissions into the condom are frozen and used to conceive a child at a later date.To ease the process Cardinal Silvestrini worked with major condom producer Trojan to produce a condom with a zip-lock seal that can withstand the process of freezing thesperm to preserve it.“Its as easy as 1…2…3,” Cardinal Silvestrini explained, “First, you put the condom on.Second, you have worry free sex. And third once you are done you zip up the condomand freeze your sperm for use later. In this way Catholics can now enjoy sex withoutwillfully murdering their sperm.”Cardinal Silvestrini’s new invention is what has prompted the Catholic Church toannounce it will reverse its stance on condom use.In a personally signed statement that will be released next week Pope Benedict XVI willallow for condom usage for all married Catholic couples as long as they only useofficially sanctioned condoms that bear the seal of the Vatican. Also, Pope Benedict XVIstrictly states in the statement that all sperm released into the condom must be preservedto, “attempt to conceive a child” at a later date.
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