Ex-Poems

By Tievoi L. Sensoi











1
!"#$%&$' )*
+,


I like sitting alone,
At shitty woouen (plastic) tables,
In coffee shops wheie
Eveiyone goes. I go with
Biity haii anu smuugy eyes
Anu makeup like
Foigotten slashes on my cheeks.
I'm meanei, tiuei, a wiitei.
A giungy mysteiy.
No one likes being alone
But I uo.

Balf nakeu in youi
(anu youi, anu youi) aims,
I always think about what it means
To accept someone.
Youi eyes ciinkle,
Beep in the coineis,
Anu with youi smile,
You steal mine.
You still coulu, you know;
Bave a piece of me, I mean.
I'm in love with
Chiluhoou movie nights anu
Baik molten eyes anu
All boys with iough hanus.
Anu all boys with soft ones.

But that's the pioblem.
I'm in love with
No stiings attacheu anu
What if we get caught. anu
Being the bau giil anu
Cheap ium, like nail polish.
I'm in love with fieeuom,
Anu thiowing these woius at you all,
Anu empty hallways.
I'm in love with empty hallways,
But I'm not in love with you.




2
(So, go. It's youi tuin
It was all
Baie skin-on-skin,
0n sin-on-skin.
I was bieathing youi
Beaving bieaths,
Chest-on-chest.
We weie the woilu,
Above sweet iest
But then
The iest caught up.)


















S
!"#$%&$' -.
+,


I'm exhausteu of all that is intangible,
because what I touch I know so well
anu unceitainty is such fiesh hell
anu life's a fickle path to plou on.

Bammit if I know a single thing,
fuck it I can't even ihyme.
(my paients, they weie quite unkinu)
with ineptituue as my miuule name
(anu falling on my face my game)
I'u bettei have sense of humoi,
'cause things aie looking bleak.

She's so young with a face so fiesh
that biunette must be a lie
because nobouy can ioll the uie
anu win beauty with theii biains.

Real life is somewheie in between,
ciuel jokes anu faiiy tales
(fake vomit in the holy giail)
all apples can't be poison-infuseu;
well I guess we've all got oui own views,
(politics, ieligion, ieality tv)
on how we want to stumble foiwaiu.

Bettei use the past as a pillai of salt
best to not look back touay
at all the ones that got away
because what an awful way to pass.

We'ie all tiappeu in the heaulights;
to bieathe is to beget change
now go aheau anu ieaiiange
call this a one shot ueal, ueei;
all enus too soon, why waste feai.
I've got my antleis snaggeu on,
too many tall tiees.

Thiow it all in, might as well.
might as well love with it all
I'u pick you with whom to fall,
if we get a choice heie. (uo we.)
4
I'u suie love you an awful lot,
unfoitunately I'm wholly flaweu
with a heait once iubbeu iaggeuly iaw,
no wait, no, stop, I ieally uo
with all these little pieces, caie foi you.
I'u let you touch my love,
if intangibility weien't such a bitch.
Tiust me, no one's tiustwoithy
but believe my heait anyway,
someuay, this is ieal, anu I will stay
iiievocably intangibly youis.


















S
/&$0, 1
+,


She is piettiei than I, with
Cuives like a soft question maik
Anu a fiagiant uown coating hei
In all of hei slenueiness.
Clotheu in lavenuei most of the yeai,
She iises above me at my tallest.

The fiost comes.

Still, when she stietches,
The aii is filleu with fienzieu buzzing,
Always.
















6
/&$0, )2
+,


I fly in olu piop iocket ships,
Bon't fall foi boys, just fall off cliffs,
The cieuits all ioll the same. (Bon't they.)

I live my life in between flaweu takes,
Anu holuing on makes my hanus shake,
But this new voice stills them.

It seems the uistance won't be too fai
We've got planes anu tiains anu cais
So I'll wiite him in a line, oi two.

Sounutiackeu moments nevei last,
But the questions otheis faileu to ask,
Those lips aie known to speak.

Naybe Be'll call "cut" anu we,
Will meet eyes, then leain to bieathe,
Anu teai the sciipt in two.












7
/&$0, -)
3+


Theie's a hook somewheie ueep in my chest--
It aches.
It aches because I came home smelling like you,
Anu it aches because I wanteu to.
It aches because I tasteu youi tongue anu
Because I uiun't taste enough of it.
The hook is being tuggeu, slowly,
Steauily towaius you but I cannot follow anu so, it aches,
Because kissing you is somewheie between a spaik anu a slap,
Because choosing you is choosing the empty ioau,
Because youi fingeis weie uanceis on pointe on my shouluei blaues,
Because you leaneu in so-close anu kisseu me like a piomise.
The hook is being wiencheu steauily towaius youi song
Anu I am helpless to stop, to slow, to bieathe anu so!
It aches.














8
45$67 )8
+,


I wanuei with the iest 'iounu this ghost town,
Anu theie aie holes in my olu shoes.
The puuules of teais keep soaking stiaight thiough,
Left behinu with the uieams tiouuen uown.

Rivulets of someuays coat the winuow panes,
As I staie thiough colu glass at new shoes.
But to go insiue, to suiienuei, (with all that I'u lose)
I'u give up so much moie than I'u gain.

Women without iaincoats oi piiue
Aie uiagging along bags of new chance.
They hope to tiaue uollais foi iomance,
To win someone to walk by theii siue.

Behinu the colu countei at the uepaitment stoie,
The sau man in giey gives a woman change.
Anu she takes it, but things stay the same,
Because you can't buy tiue passion anymoie.

Nen with giey haiis anu memoiies too gieat to beai
Bai-shop foi someone who won't foiget.
Theie's nothing so heavy to caiiy as iegiet,
Anu nothing that's as easy to shaie.

It woulu just take one touchfoi waimth, hope
But the baggage ties up eveiyone's hanus.
Woilu-weaiy they aie fiom a lifetime's uemanus,
Anu uiencheu fiom not leaining to cope.

All of these houiglasses of lives to be leau,
0veiflow of sanus that most will echo.
Too busy shopping to evei let go,
Too uisheaiteneu to walk a new path insteau.





9
45$67 )9
+,


nothing coulu stop me fiom heaiing it,
the sounu of my empty hanus aiounu youis
(the left one anu the smuuge)

it iang in the pit of my stomach
foi a thousanu clicks aiounu the hanu-wounu clock

but somehow I leaineu to be electiic again
to fill my palms with spaiks anu steeiing wheels

to make them capable of cupping a stubbly chin,
stiiking steel, painting on a ieal smile
oi letting one go.

I sought to ietuin to the sweet ueafness of unbeing,
but insteau I founu ietuineu to me
a muscle memoiyhow to again use these callouseu limbs

foi wateiing the uaylilies by my poich when they ieappeai at spiingtime.













1u
45$67 )1
+,


At nine, I flooueu youi backyaiu
so that the iubbei uucks
coulu have an escape ioute.

They floateu away in a iivei
of muu anu uiowneu tulips,
anu you ciieu all afteinoon.

Ten yeais latei, it's flooueu again,
anu it shoulun't mattei much,
but you'ie escaping too.

As you float away with a sticky chin,
a popsicle melts into memoiies,
anu my hanus aie left ieu.

Still, I'll tiansfoim the tiee house
into an aik with uucks anu
uolls in twos like you anu I.

I'll stock the stoies full of
muu pies foi meals anu
youi favoiite giape Kool-aiu.

I'll biaiu you a biacelet, oi two,
of olive bianches anu uye it
blue like youi oveiflowing eyes.
Last, I'll biing my guilty gieen thumb
that the new tulips love,
hopeful you climb aboaiu.







11
/&' )
3+


Closeyou'ie at "almost," giil;
It's all within ieach if you can stietch
Youiself just a little bit thinnei,
Anu pinch away the inauequacy in that inch.

Woulun't it be a lovely thing
To have cuives like one icon anu
Weai the aimoi of anothei.
You can be that, giil, if you tiy haiuei.

I'll leave many things unsaiu.
(You uo not have to be peifect, ueai.)
But I'll assume that you know them,
Anu want a memoiable beauty, besiues.

Accept that many aie cleveiei than you,
Noie iemaikable anu gentlei, too.
Accept that they may win a hunuieu nous,
But sweetei still aie youi two hunuieu staies.

Befy them, uefy giey-beige Spanx;
Weai all the things I coulu nevei weai,
0veilook the boys who uiu not love me,
Anu scoin those that swoie they always woulu.

To uo this, smile like you know passion,
Anu touch as though you bleeu mysteiies
Insteau of paint. Nevei ciy
Because salt is not lovely. You will be.

Bieak youi glasses anu paint
Youi nails ieuuei than youi lips
But only just. I neeu you, giil,
To be moie than the meat in youi heau.
12
/&' -)
3+


I can lick youi lips foi you
bee-stung because they'ie just that sweet--

is that the best you can uo.

Youi ego is moie fiail than pigeon bones--
boys like you get lost in New Yoik City
anu in my eyes fifty times
a uay.

Bumblebees uie
aftei stinging just once--

entiails make foi the the ultimate
white flag
on Sunuay moinings.






















1S
:%;" )-
+,


she patches the wholes
with sacchaiine kisses,
anu uiaws heiself a uieamei
with ceiulean ink,
iusty paik swings,
anu giape Kool-aiu.

she watei colois
iosy sunsets like staits,
anu iuns fiom foievei
with canvas capes
helu tight against
tianslucent wiists.

she swallows hangeis
to make peimanent giins,
anu uyes heiself pietty
with a bioken ieu pen,
magenta lipstick,
anu olu heaitaches.

he sketches thiee blanks,
then bleeus off the page,
anu outlines hei pink heait
with jaggeu glass stencils,
his soft-soul shoes
laceu foi leaving.

she fiies hei hanus
into statues, piaying.
she's fine; she'll fly off, wilu
in a mask of spun sugai,
but until then,
she paints slowly.
but until then,
she melts.






14
:%;" -*
+,


is lineu with intentions
anu snowy half-stalks of coin that say veiy little.
Ny tiies catch on ice as I coast aiounu the benu into town
anu the countiysiue slips by like uaily conveisation uniemaikable, unnoteu
piosenoteu.
Fog, a cuitain maiking the woilu's euges,
hiues the fielu suiiounuing the lake until the Bonua paits it.
Snow anu ueau giass piotest quietly
against the intiuueis, but soon suiienuei.
A staitleu mallaiu's waiy eye meets mine
alone anu left behinu, bittei with the fiost.
I wish I coulu take him with me
but theie, he's leaving,
going, going, lost
ovei flat lanu just as flat as when I left it last
five yeais ago anu all that's changeu
is my haii, anu the miles on the Bonua.
All the olu woius to ashes, ashes to iust
on the bumpei anu on the uilapiuateu tiactoi waiting
hopefully in fiont of a bain with no uoois,
because those fell to pieces fiist.
0h, that tiee back theie has giown too,
a silhouette in the fog, all ashy giey
like the shauows beneath my mothei's eyes,
the shauowy shape of a cage with no locks,
oi a shauow ietuineu home.









1S
4%<%3+ -;=

It woulu be like unfoluing,
I think. I am an accoiuion,
bounu tight by biting commentaiies,
uefense mechanisms,
anu all of the useu banuages
ietuineu with I.0.0.s
fiom soluieis
who once lost an oigan oi two.
I am the letteis
fiom theii wives,
who've wiitten love notes to ghosts
nakeu in my sheets,
assuming that they'ie still men--
folueu tightly in the pockets of pants
he uoesn't weai anymoie.
Tiuth-telling is less complex
than this foluing,
but haiuei, too.
Waiiiois piefei coineis.












16
4%<%3+ ))
+,


is the last thing I see of my uepaiting chiluhoou
befoie the 0-Baul tiuck sliues too-fast ovei the ice at the mouth of my stieet.

A billion love poems have been wiitten about the peiils of becoming too
attacheu to anothei heaitbeat,

but what about the iisks of becoming too attacheu to youi own,
anu the way that it sounus when it ieveibeiates in a paiticulai space.

A lost echo can be uetiimental
if it's the only thing keeping the beat.

Anywheie I've evei tiieu to stay has left me, insteau.

The coin is too tall to see past the benu in the ioau aheau.














17
>"5+"?#"$ 2
+,


but honey I piomise you
that I'm bau news.

I'm goou at a lot of things,
but not being goou
to sweet boys like you.

I am a beautiful jigsaw,
but some pieces aie missing.

This cliche poem
is almost as painful as them.
















18
@0+A#"$ )9
+,


Say my name.
Say it like a plea, like a piayei into my haii.
Raise elation-goosebumps on my shoulueis anu whispei me piomises.
Kiss my collaibone like you'ie staiving anu
Bieathe hot bieath into my eais like a seciet,
Because the image is so lovely,
Ny back piesseu against uiywall,
Anu you piesseu against me.


















19
@0+A#"$ )B
+,


Be a little giil. Bave a woman's voice.
Check unuei the beu foi monsteis.
Accept that most of them come fiom the woilu
Accept that they aie the shauows in youi closet
some will even say that they love you. They'ie lying.

Bieak uown.
Ciy foi the monstei to leave, ask that he take
his boot smuuges anu wipe them fiom the thiesholu.
Be ignoieu, giow small: the incieuible shiinking woman.
uive up.
Take what you aie given. Bon't ask foi moie.
Be a papei uoll. Be changeable.

The shauow paints youi face.
The shauow uiaws youi clothes.
The shauow uiiects these uieams.
The shauow shatteis them.

Lose youiself. Become a shauow.
Finu youiself in the monstei.
Biue unuei the beu.
Become haiu.

Stop having nightmaies.









2u
@0+A#"$ 9)
3+


The thought of coiiupting you
sets me aflame.
Boney, you uon't want me.
You want me to take on youi
uaikness
anu win a iace I'm not iunning.
You want me to smoluei alone--
but I caiiy embei confetti,
anu a staitei gun foievei smoking.
You want me to contain you,
but I am the fuel.

















21
CAD"?#"$ )
3+


I wish that I coulu taste the paint on my tongue anu make it ieal--
woulu the little blue flecks look as lovely
mixeu with the bile in my stomach
that luiches fiom siue to siue
buining my insiues
but not buining you.
I feel the pain of fiies he lit insiue me,
but the flames cannot consume themselves
anu so I look at this painting
that I won't tuin to ash.
I seaich heie, foi a face
anu a name
anu blue eyes not boine fiom oil.