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Talk Dirty to Me

Talk Dirty to Me

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Published by carlilloss13

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Published by: carlilloss13 on Nov 02, 2009
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06/27/2013

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TALK DIRTY TO ME
by Eurydice
Q: My vaginal juices taste a bit bitter. Is this diet or genetics? Can I alter the taste?Q: The skin has grown over my clitoris.Q: Dear Irma Kurtz: I just want a chick with a dick, I know it's impossible but I'm fixated.Q: The new man in my life is great except he either has a small dick or I have a stretched out pussy. Is thereanything UNDETECTABLE I can insert to make my pussy tighter, so we can enjoy conventional sex?Q:Q: Dear E. Jean: I love oral sex but I hear semen is very high on calories. Please advise.A: Every reader is a peeping Tom. This fact has spawned many successful industries through the ages; one of the most widespread and least discussed among them are syndicated sex columns. Across the spectrum, publications like any excusable opportunity to discuss sex. Sensationalized sex sells, period. Tasteful salaciouscontroversy attracts loyal readership. Whether they get us informed, angry or wet, sex columns cutely pimpthose of us who write in. Their primary function is titillation (variations on the Penthouse strategy to excitereaders, then ice them). Their purpose is to advertise the publication they're in, the personals on that page, thewriters instructional books and tapes listed below. Some are placed by the horoscope, crossword puzzle and bridge, and others are advertised on the cover. All of them feed /upon our inordinate interest in other peoplessex lives, our obscene enjoyment/delight in the public display of others private failings.Q: Dear Ann Landers: I'm an attractive 23-year-old woman with a great job and a wonderful fiancé. When I getstressed out, I put on adult-size diapers.Which is also why it's pretty unimaginable to fetishize any one of them. Their titles lend them an aura of legitimacy, and at the same time imply that sex is a problem, a dis-ease the fine points of whose treatment must be left to experts.Q: Dear Dan Savage: I run an amputee support group. I'm amp-neutral, but I did let a horny guy feel my stumponce for the experience. I have a fantasy of fucking a woman with my stump and I've met some women who areinterested, but my wife wouldn't approve. What do you suggest?Sex columnists are spunky know-it-alls, like imperious depression-era relatives proud of their no-nonsensecommon sense. No one knows what circumstances makes them sexperts; they draw from experience, self-helplibraries, imagination. Some are merciless disciplinarians, prickly control freaks who force readers to accepttheir version of reality. (I'll fly out there and give you a yucca-stalk flogging the likes of which you'll never forget ) Others are superefficient cheerleaders, personal sex trainers, enthusiastic secretaries in charge of fielding off the ad hoc crowds so the invisible boss hiding in the conference room can attend to the real job of sex undistracted. (Romance, dearest luv, can be made using elements no more elaborate than two pairs of  beaming eyes.) They are sexist, sexless, sincere, touchy-feely, self-deprecating, chatty and female (or queer).The most enlightened have something akin to a pedagogy and may be aware of their part in shaping the culture.Of course, all sex columnists are by definition conservative: their job is to spread the norm, to preserve culturalvalues, and sell copy. They encourage commercialism and conformity. They perpetuate socially neededmanners and fears at the individual level. Sex columnists teach us how to think, not fuck. They affect theclaustrophobic conviction that anything can be answered. Even cool open-minded upstarts like Savage can'thelp cloning their readers. It's the difference between being a priest and a prophet: priests preach, organize andre/solve, but they don't invent.Q: Dear Joy Davidson, Ph.D.: Please explain digital anal stimulation.
 
Sex columnists disseminate reliable information on anything from instructional videos on female ejaculation to penis enlargement methods, from sex reassignment surgery to bottled female high-schoolers' saliva from Japan.That is their main useful service. They also disperse advice on the mechanics of plumbing; advocate safety;urge readers to come out to themselves or their kin; "name" facts for the weak-hearted or the naive; describeadult etiquette and indirectly provide inspirations for new sex adventures. They enable us to name our phobiasand obsessions. They introduce us to obscure sexualities. They help readers overcome biases or resistances, andenhance comprehension and tolerance. (Even genre hybrids like Anka, who uses herself as a sexist ginneypigfor the amusement of her indolent readers, can potentially educate and enrich readers sex lives.) Sex columnsteach us that we're capable of acts beyond what/those/any we can imagine.Q: Dear Irma Kurtz: I reach orgasm by touching my breasts--is that possible?Sex columns spoof real-life sex, most of which depends on a series of stereotypes. They co-opt people into phrasing their millennial confusion. As a repressed culture, we brim with muted questions. As adults, under the protection of anonymity, we can be avenged in sex columns: we can ask anything we've wanted to know sincechildhood, in print, before a national audience--that's the sweetness of it. People write in to absolve themselvesof the monotony/banality of their everyday sex practices. It's fun to fictionalize oneself. For some it can betherapy or, at least, a diagnosis/. In a world where the Frankensteinian Dr. Ruth Westheimer/ authors the newSex for Dummies (her hypochondriac pointers include "cleaning the bathroom naked together" and "cleaningout each others" belly button), sex columns may be the only outlet for panties and baby pajamas, feed myself milk from a bottle and fall asleep with a pacifier and a blankie. What do I tell my fiancé?Every reader is also a masochistic infantilist, grabbing the paper as if it were Gerber's baby food, anxious toreceive clarity, certainty, absolution, eager/zealous for "escape." We all crave discipline. We want to be toldwhat to do by an authority who harbours no pestering inner doubts. We live in the land of option andopportunity, but deep down we want to be free of making choices; there's so much freedom we'd rather havenone of it. Having seen a few thousand commercials each in our lifetime, we've grown used to being told whatto do by interested parties. Readers are by definition passive, powerless. And sex is the great mystery, thethreshing/testing grounds where we prove our mantle as a species, where our line of the race/ lives on or diesoff--at best symbolically. The burning questions.A: No one knows what's good or bad for others. The few specific things one can suggest (wear condoms withstrangers) are truisms, easily obtainable from other sources; the rest can be harmful. (Ann Landers' advice to aman complaining of prison rape is, "Get over it.") Unlike fiction, life is based on accident. Language is a logicalsystem invented to add sense to the world, and is not equipped to express the fundamental irrationality of desire. Language is limited and limiting, because reality is unspeakable. We have no vocabulary for sex; werely on metaphors, euphemisms, dysphemisms and the sanctity of "scientific" terms. Clinical language sterilizessex. Writing always refers to itself. This literature of exhaustion inhibits rather than represents unbridledsexuality. The thought/talk of sex is not sex. The word sex is not sex. When "elusive little flames play over theskin and smolder it" (I quote Sappho), it's not sex, it's language as a healing tool, an oar with which we canmove from absence to presence, from silence to polyphony.A: Sex columns are a symptom of our neurotic relationship to sex: our pathetic need to intellectualize andanalyze sex to keep from feeling insecure. Sex is undefinable, an unrefined overwhelming instinct often outsideour control. To many people, sex endangers the self. Being verbally comfortable with sex is no guarantee of  being physically confident with it; in fact, the more people think about sex and the more they expect from it, themore trouble they have achieving orgasm/. The sexual revolution made it imperative to talk about sex, but itdidn't unrepress people. We don't fuck more or more freely. Talking about it has brought more sexualinadequacies and aberrations to the surface, comparisons are in the air, people feel they're failing more, or feelcompelled to experiment since sexual health and trendiness are so verbalized/publicized. All these wordsremove sex from the hard-gut genital instinct that it is and dilute it. Sex columns attest to our fear of sex--although columnists would claim the opposite, that talking sex is proof they're unrepressed.A:

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