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 The Economic Stimulus PackageBreaks Apart and Drains Down Thousands of Financial Channels
Jobs, Ideas, are Saved as Stimulus Spending Buys the Vice President a Mattress
From Banana News www. Bananaws.com
November 11, 2009 Vice President Joseph Biden, speaking to a group of microphones which had assembled inhis office, recently defended the 2008 stimulus package against charges that U.S. theGovernment has failed to hold it together and said the spending package was neversupposed to stay lumped and stimulate job growth. Instead, the Vice President said, thestimulus package was designed to break into thousands of money streams, flow acrossthe U.S. economy, and prevent the North American economy and continent from dryingout and shrinking into a bowl of roving Oklahoma dust. The Vice President was recordedtelling one microphone:“Without the stimulus package millions of American workers, trillions of paper bills, andquadrillions of innovative ideas would have been lying idle, on top and under, millions of  American mattresses across this country. By stimulating the economy these workers,paper bills, and innovative ideas have been able to remain, running and idling in place, at aproper place of work.”The White House quickly praised the Vice President for idling his ideas at his officialGovernment desktop. The White House then turned attention to a report, recently published by a group of economists working for the Fair Oaks institute located alonghighway 66 outside of Washington D.C. which, out(and-in) lined the tangled spaghetti like web of spending and money flows, that represents the 2008 “stimulus” package. According to both White House officials, the Fair Oaks report recommends that the U.S.Goverment hire mathematicians with specialties in fluid dynamics, knot theory, and sub-prime number theory to trace the “disassembled spending flows” of the “stimulus” packageand measure the effects and defects of these flows on the U.S. economy. The report, whichcontains an appendix filled with graphs, tables, money flow charts, and what appears, to atfirst be, diagrams of the world’s major river delta systems, but in reality, are diagrams of popular duck hunting waterways, emphasizes that most of the “stimulus” money has yet to be spent, found, or predicted to exist. White House Officials and the report’s authors, who insisted that the Fair Oaks report be viewed as a temporary prediction of the futureeconomy from a specific passing micro-point in time, said that improved stimuluspredictions would be available sometime, in the future, after key “data events have beenrealized" and a comfortable set of mattresses has been found for the Vice President and hisideas.The White House then organized a graph and footnote signing ceremony at George MasonUniversity’s Patriot Center, for the report’s five authors which was attended by reportersfor eighteen mutual funds, fourteen newspapers, six websites, and one Twitter tweeting
 
consultancy firm. The report’s lead author who identified himself as the “Big Thumb”summarized the report's most hydraulic findings from a podium in George Mason PatriotCenter:“We find 2008 stimulus money flowing through thousands of tiny and not so tiny, directand not so direct, economic channels, moving at a variety of currency current rates. Ourresearch indicates alternate energy funds are overflowing into adult education spending, while State housing funds have drained off into urban pork puddles. Big bank bailout andTarp expenditures have splattered into large fiscal rapids that contain dangerous“executive bonus” back currents. All the while, we see teacher training money lazily drifting toward its usual fiscal mud flat. “The second author, who identified himself as the team’s leading forefinger, slowly andindirectly moved into the podium’s microphone’s space, and added:“The 2008 stimulus currency flows have washed over our dried up economy and, in thelast quarter, have begun to swell into a rising tide which has lifted up the nation’s boats, bonds, and stocks, which in turn, has expanded the travel opportunities for millions of fishand plankton. This will create, in the near future, a Noah’s flood of inflation that drownseverybody’s savings. We predict those Americans with inflatable mattresses or VicePresidential speech material are best positioned to float their way out of this on-rush of Government liquidity.” A student, who claimed to writing a term paper comparing dustbowls and wetlands askedif the “rebates for smart appliances” program, a key component of 2008 stimulus package, was flowing down a fast moving or slow moving economic channel towards the fiscalmudflat of grounded household boats without refrigerators.The report’s, third author, who called himself the Fair Oaks team’s, middle finger, quickly stood up from his chair and responded without a microphone:“Our analysis indicates that smart appliance spending serves as a stimulus which flowsdirectly to a household’s kitchen sink and down its drain.” A reporter, working for the website “writers without work” directly challenged thereport’s authors to provide an example of an stimulus spending which “aided andirrigated” the economy by flowing through indirect economic channels: An author who identified, as the report team’s ringless finger, read directly from thepublished report while remaining in a sitting position:“Our research shows that when a distressed home owner buys an smartly subsidizedappliance which has an I.Q. above sixty two, 25% of the purchase money goes tocomponents in Japan, 10% to a fossil delivery fuel, (of which 75% flows out to three Mideastand one Russian country), 30% to the salary of the appliance installer, (of which, 25% goesto beer, pornography, and truck tire purchases), 5% goes to the book that the appliancecustomer must buy to figure out how to use the appliance, 15% goes to the stimulus rebatepaperwork service, 5% goes education funds to improve appliance I.Q.s, and 10% goes tostimulating the waste, fraud, and abuse sector. “
 
 A student, who identified herself as stimulated by the discussion, asked if stimulatingJapan’s smart appliance component sector was a smart way to stimulate the education of  America’s most intellectual appliances.The lead thumb Fair Oaks report author moved forward to the podium and answered:“Yes, a quarter of the profits from Japan’s smart appliance component sectors gets re-spent on daughter and wife perfume, of which, half consists of exports of recycled smellsand stinks from American fish dumps and sport locker rooms. This, in turn, gets taxed by the U.S. Government.
 
 Which, in turn, generates sales of angry Republican bumperstickers.” A student, who identified herself as “passionately stimulated by the discussion and by thestimulus itself” teased the Fair Oaks Panel of economists with a light hearted and heavy livered question:“And what happens to 10% of the stimulus spent on waste, fraud and abuse?”The lead thumb economist rushed to answer:“Three quarters gets re-spent on more waste fraud and abuse, 10% percent on rising tidelife jackets, 10% on rebate paper work, and 5% on books by economists that analyze therecovery.” A reporter working for the Washington Post rose from the audience said that the tangleddescription of the stimulus waterways had tied his thinking into a weird shaped knot andasked if there were any eagle scouts or idled Vice Presidents in the audience who couldprovide him with some brain to brain untangling before he tried to drive home and endedup running his car “into a canal or some really weird shaped circles or spaghettis ”. A woman in the audience, who claimed that she was past her sub-prime years but that hersuper prime years still lay ahead her, asked if it was really true that U.S. Governmentstimulus money was being spent on parking garages in Naples Italy in order to increasedemand for Fiat cars, so Fiat could have the money to invest in Chrysler automobileproduction. A George Mason primal number professor, who said that his rumored resemblance to JoeBiden was just reckless idle derivative speculation, intervened and stated that the Naplesgarage subsidy rumor absolutely was not true but the United States was providing money to the Naples City Government to start a smart appliance subsidy program, which by WhiteHouse calculations would be diverted to fraud, waste, and abuse, which, in turn would bespent on parking garages in Naples Italy, which would increase demand for Fiat cars, which would provide Fiat with money to invest in Chrysler automobile production. A student, claiming to be majoring in economics, rose to tell reporters, economists, andmembers of the audience that his girlfriend, and five other women which his girlfriend had been in contact with, had gotten pregnant from the 2008 stimulus package, and that a classaction law suit against the Government, might stimulate work for lawyers, and courtreporters, abortion doctors, and right to life protestors.
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uploaded a new revision for this document (#2)

11 / 09 / 2009

uploaded a new revision for this document (#1)

11 / 09 / 2009
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