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The Positive Approach
By Peter Shepherd
Contents
Introduction21. Invalidation22. Co-Dependence53. Suppression74. Criticism95. Whose Responsibility?116. Reconnecting with the Past157. Our Resource of Pleasure178. Thought - Feeling - Action199. Overcoming Our Fears2210. Letting Go2411. I Wish I Hadn't Done That!2612. Self-Esteem3013. Creating Self-Esteem3314. Changing Your Mind About Yourself3515. Improving Your Relationships3716. Reactive or Response-able4017. The Why & the Lie4318. Turning Problems Into Challenges4519. Difficult Times4820. Self-Remembering5121. Why People Behave As They Do5722. False Beliefs6223. The Power of Affirmations6424. Look in the Mirror6825. Creating Your Reality7226. Making Your Vision a Reality7827. Finding Out Who You Are8228. Body, Mind & Spirit8629. Learning from Our Experience9030. The Positive Approach92What’s Next?95Copyright
2003 Peter ShepherdTools for Transformation
www.trans4mind.com
 
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Introduction
'The Positive Approach' is a personal growth home-study course written byPeter Shepherd. Each lesson may be read and practiced, over hours, days orweeks as you need. At any time you can take your studies to greater depth bybuying the 'Living Consciously' and 'Meta-Programming' courses, which includeunlimited personal email support. Details of these and other Tools forTransformation courses are included at the end of this document.The Positive Approach is intended to help you become more clear about yourown identity, what you want in life - your life vision - and how to consciouslytransform your life for the better. You will learn how your beliefs shape yourlife experience and become aware of exactly how you are creating your reality.Each of these lessons includes a practical element that you can apply duringthe week, so your life can genuinely start to improve and you make realprogress toward manifesting your vision.The first lessons are about finding yourself and becoming whole. One of thefactors that causes fragmentation of your identity - who you think and feel youare - is invalidation, which happens when you feel made wrong by another'scomments or actions.
1. Invalidation
When you act according to the will of another person and suppress your ownwishes, you have identified a part of yourself with the other person. You havelet them into your mind, as your master. You have become fragmented. One of the main ways this comes about is through invalidation, or 'making wrong'. If somebody says your effort was 'not good enough' or that you 'shouldn't havedone that', then you start to question yourself. You begin to introspect andask, 'Is there something wrong with me?' When another person wronglyevaluates or misunderstands your communications or your state of mind,naturally this is upsetting. It means the other has not understood you. Yourenthusiasm wanes. You may accept this false evaluation - perhaps because of the authority or dominance of the other person. If you ignore your own feelingsand believe they must be right, you begin to follow their will, not your own. Apart of you has identified with the other person and split from the real you. Theyou that is responsible for your choices.This very commonly occurs with children, where they take on thecharacteristics of their parents. It is also very frequent in relationships whereone partner adjusts to match the other's expectations. And of course ithappens at work too. When our goals are suppressed by another - howeverwell meant - it is eventually life destroying. Negative evaluations (personalcriticisms, opinions) by another especially at times of stress can cause extremeupset.
 
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Practical: How to handle invalidations
There are many and various ways you might have been put-down by othersand as a result agreed to have less power. You need to look again at whathappened and ask yourself:1. What choices did I make? Consider:a. What did I decide about myself ?b. What did I decide about the other person or other people?c. What did I choose to think?d. How did I choose to feel? What emotion did I choose?e. What did I choose to do?f. How did my choices affect my behavior going forward?2. What other choices could I have made? And what might the effect of each of those choices be?3. What positive learning can I get from this experience?The positive learning is basically whatever insight you have found afterrealizing you have chosen one direction and can revise that choice if you want.You always have choices. If a mugger threatened you with a gun, you have thechoice not to give him your wallet. He might have killed you or given up andrun away. But you had the choice. You may have chosen to give him yourwallet, which may have been wise. But you never have to do anything againstyour will. You can always choose.Following is a list of ways you might have been invalidated in the past, or itmay be happening to you now. For each question that applies to you, gothrough the procedure above and see what you can learn from this experience,and what part of yourself you can reintegrate.Did anybody say you don't have a right to your opinion?Did anybody criticize you unjustly?Did anybody make an unfair generalization about you?Did anybody tease you?Did anybody make you feel insignificant?Did anybody tell you that you shouldn't be there?Did anybody tell you that you don't belong?Did anybody tell you that you couldn't leave?Did anybody force you to follow their rules?Did anybody trick you into an agreement?Did anybody judge you?Did anybody make you do something you didn't like?
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