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I burnished1 my armour till my fingers were sore,
And girding it on, the gods I did implore2.
Confident that I could neither fail nor falter,
Much like the Moors in the Rock of Gibraltar3,
I sallied\u00adforth from my keep a maiden to woo,
And with each plodding hoof\u00adbeat, my love only grew.
I thought of her virtues that so oft were extolled,
And occasionally my heart I had to scold
For thinking what's unbecoming of chivalry.
Through forests I ventured and down by the sea.
Scarcely did I notice\u2014my mind was a whirl.
Oh, the things that one will do just to get a girl!
I never considered the peasants I knew,
After all, they're hackneyed4 like the town where I grew.
Now after for riding for a weary week ,
Quite certain that my strength had sprung a leak\u2014
For I scarcely stopped to eat or to sleep,
And even my horse had started to weep
Like a useless vow5\u2014the chateau6 came into view;
And with reckless abandon7 toward it I flew.
But no heralds or trumpets sounded my approach;
Vaguely I saw that darkness the land did encroach8.
How is it that the moat and drawbridge did greet
Me alone? No sentry stood at guard on his feet.
If I had listened to reason, instead of pride,
I would have never planted a cursed foot inside.
But my ambition for my fair lady proved strong,
And I found that my feet carried me right along.
Lying on the altar at the foot of the stair,
I saw that my maiden didn't have any hair.
I rationalized myself to this thinking that
If she went out in public, she could wear a hat.
I bent down to give her a passionate kissing,
And that's when I realized all teeth her were missing.
But before I could shrink back in harrowed10 dismay,
Her eyelids flipped open and she pulled me her way.
Her stench seeped into me like moldy osmosis11;
She rudely exposed me to her halitosis12.
My, how my first kiss was a brutal disaster!
Our union'd fail if built on such a pilaster13.
Releasing me, she stared\u2014and one eye was lazy.
I began to wonder then if I were crazy
To have disavowed the damsels of my home town
For this? But now the portcullis14 was coming down,
And, kicking and screaming, I had to drag her out.
Ladies should never throw temper tantrums or pout
Because they're being rescued by a gallant knight.
11 o s m o s i s : the process by which water moves to and from cells to seek an equilibrium or balance. Areas with less water receive more water, and vice versa. Ergo, she had lots of stench, and since he had little, it seeped into him, too.
Yet on exiting, I saw the cause of her fright.
A pitch wyrm15 had just swallowed my steed with a slurp,
And it turned to her screaming with a fiery burp.
Though I told her, "Don't panic," she seemed quite afraid.
I ran at it and hacked at its head with my blade.
I thought that it laughed as its blood rusted my sword,
As I punctured a scale, time seemed in fast forward.
The wyrm roared like the last blast from a cannonade16,
Pouncing as I impaled his gnarled head on my blade.
My heirloom, this sword, snapped in two as did his pate17,
Brimstone billowed forward. I moved, but was too late.
As my hair shriveled and my skin did crisp,
My damsel came near, talking with a lisp.
A mist gathered as she did ensorcell18,
The sunlight perished as she worked her spell.
My spirit was nigh to leave the planet
As she made me bite a pomegranate.
As the wave of anguish started to ebb19,
I felt like a fly in her spider's web.
The realization raised my hackles20:
No princess could make such ghastly cackles21.
The bite that she took made my heart falter,
For she'd married us at Hades' altar22.
Now bringing you back...
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