A Man Sans SoulBy: Matt Mitchell“I forgive you,” Miranda said.She said it with a smile, her eyebrows all bunched up in sympathy. Ithink she really meant it, which was good, and I could tell looking into thosebaby blues that she really wanted me to accept her kind and generousoffering. The only problem was I didn’t ask to be forgiven, and I didn’t wantit, either.Of course, I couldn’t tell her that, no matter how bad I wanted to. Those beeps and whistles and that sound of whooshing air? Yep, all thathospital equipment’s hooked up to me. And I am just alert enough to knowthat my lungs are shot with cancer (along with a few other organs that Ibelieve are pretty important themselves) and that I’m lying in CountyGeneral Room 1102, otherwise known as the end of the line. You might evensay I’m figuratively lying on my deathbed. You might say it’s literal, too. Yes, when your body betrays you and you spasm from head to toe withpain like red-hot meat hooks pulling you apart from the inside it can bedownright impossible to speak, outside of a quiet little gargle that comesfrom somewhere inside your body that really shouldn’t be making any kindof gargling noise. But for me, those concerns are all

little things

.My body’s failing, sure, but what you don’t understand is, like theStones said:

ti-ime is on my side, yes it is

. See, I’m about to

transition

. So Ididn’t have to worry about telling M’anda she could go fuck herself. I’mabout to rise up, to ascend beyond this physical realm and enter into thecomfort of our Lord’s presence. I’m not concentrating on all those littlethings any more. And my dear Miranda, bless her heart, she is a little thingindeed. On the grand scale of things, maybe even the littlest. And I can’thelp but think there might be one more chance to wring her little heart outand see if I can get it dry. Yes, even lying here shaking—hell,

vibrating

–fromhead to toe, all I can think of is my little girl and what a papa’s gotta do tomake life work out for her.But I’m way ahead in the story. To understand where we are now, youfirst need to understand where we came from. Then maybe you’ll understandwhy I do the things I do.I’d had two daughters and a son. The son succumbed to my teachingsearly on in life. He idolized me. He knew in his heart that I knew best, and hefollowed my example perfectly. But for as much willingness as the boy had,he lacked at least the same amount of fortitude, and fortitude is the primeingredient to survival. When it was all said and done, he’d strayed fromdoing things

way and began, although I doubt he knew it, to do things

his

way. There were no subtle differences when it came to my way vs. his way.It was life vs. death, good vs. evil, cowboys vs. Indians. The boy just couldn’t

keep up. He died when he was sixteen. In love, they said. That’s what hewas, in

love

. His name was Kel.Betsy was his younger sister. She and Kel were both younger thanM’anda. Betsy was sweeter than the other two, and early on I figured she’dbe the first to crap out, but I was wrong on that count. Kel went first. That’swhat Miranda’s forgiving me for now, see, is Kel’s death. Or at least that’s abig part of it. She wants me to confess that it was my fault. She believes itcould

save

me.Like I need saving.I got news for her, though. It’s like I said: I ain’t dying. I’m justtransitioning to a higher state of consciousness.M’anda was a lonely little girl, even though there were people aroundall the time. I guess she missed her momma. She only had a faintrecollection of her mother at all, and I suspect that was all pretty and softlike a dream. She loved her mom, or at least loved the

idea

of her mom.Her mom went away when M’anda was four. And as an explanation I’ll just say that she’d gotten away from understanding that my ways were best.She figured since she’d given me three fine children that we should stopacting like gangsters and I should get a job so we could all settle down in the‘burbs somewhere. But that wasn’t my way. She thought the kids should goto school, learn a trade, get married, blah, blah, blah. I taught them all theyneeded to know to survive in my world, and they would have, too, if they’dhave just kept doing things my way. They never went to school, THAT wasmy choice.And besides, one of ‘em did survive. But she’s still got a lesson to learnfrom dear old dad.I told M’anda that her mom was tired of being in our family, had gottenaway from doing things daddy’s way, and decided to leave. So maybeM’anda understood that it was best for mommy to go her own way so’s notto get anyone in trouble. She loved mommy, but she always knew daddy’sways were best. So she lived like that; she never gave up on the idea of hermom, and she always figured her mom would show back up one day. Thatwas fine by me, it kept her with me as long as it did. It anchored her to me ina way I never could have done otherwise.I figure ever since M’anda left me, sixteen years ago—right after Betsydrowned—she’s been searching for her mother. She’ll never find her, though.When someone leaves me they leave for good. Same as everything is withme—permanent. Just like my motto: “

Ad Infinitum

.”We lived in a shotgun house near the dump. It was on a red clay roadthat got slick as goose shit when it rained. There were a bunch of folks livingdown that road, most were worthless, but a few of my crew were there.Sawnee, a half Indian-half Mexican that could out drive just about anybody Iever knew. Joseph, the Preacher, could strike matches with a .45 Colt atthirty feet—on a draw. And Karen, my lady, she was the real guts behind theoperation. I once saw her shoot a man in the cock because she thought hewas looking at her chest.

There was another time at this ritzy party we’d crashed on a tip thatthere was a safe full of money in the house, and these folks were all dressedin tuxedoes and evening gowns. Karen was going right down the line, askingeach one of them where the safe was. When one of them didn’t know, she’dkill ‘em right there and move on to the next one in line. I just laughed andlaughed. She killed nine of ‘em, ran out of bullets, and then got Sawnee’sgun and kept on going. We all knew none of ‘em knew where the safe was,and besides that, I

did

know where it was. It was just good sport to see herrun the show like that. I’d have given my whole crew for one more with half the guts she had. I thought I’d had one, too. M’anda turned out to have asmuch guts and even more brains. And my God was she sassy!With that crew, things went well for a while. We pulled some jobs,getting ready for the real haul to come our way, and then it all went bugshit.Kel turned sixteen and found out he liked this girl who lived with herscumbag old man up the road. Her name was Tammy. Her old man had beenmolesting her since she was two, was what I’d heard, and it seemed mostcould verify it along the road. Kel said he loved her. He was going to take heraway from Ol’ Grimey Ass and make her his wife. Ol’ Grimey Ass had alreadytold her to stay clear of Kel and I’d told Kel it would do him best to mind herdaddy’s wishes. That was when he first started doing things Kel’s wayinstead of my way. M’anda and him had been in the crew for some time bythen, and Betsy was about to get to the age when she could start. M’andawould have run the show in another year or two, she was that good. Andquick, my God, was that girl a quick thinker.We did a job in Texarkana that was good, not the best but it gave usenough to keep going for a few months ‘til the big one could hit, but Sawneetook one in the chin that blew half his face off. He would live, but he’d be aneven uglier sumbitch than he already was. We were all at the house, takingcare of him and counting the take, when Kel decides he’s going to slip out fora little while. Well, I know what a sixteen year old boy is like when he’s gotpoontang in his eyes, and that’s just what he had. I let him go, with a mind toteach him a lesson. That old shotgun house—built long and straight with all the rooms in aline—had a big main room with a naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The floors were plank that’d never been treated. The walls had hadwallpaper on them at one time but it was peeling off and fading fast, and theceiling was covered with big brown splotches from the leaky roof. It was ashit hole, but it was our shit hole. In the big main room, under the light bulb,was a big round table and some chairs. That was where we spent most of ourtime, playing cards, counting loot, whatever. That table was in between thecouch, where Sawnee was laying, and the front door. When Kel got home Iwas sitting at that table. Karen was sitting on my knee, and the Preacher andM’anda were sitting across from me. Sawnee was moaning on the couch withsome t-shirts wrapped around his head—he’d bled a ton—and I was still highfrom pulling the job that afternoon. I patted Karen on the ass and she got up.Kel just stood there, trying his best to look innocent.