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Love Systems Insider: Commitment, Sex, Lonely single women

Love Systems Insider: Commitment, Sex, Lonely single women

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Published by Love Systems
Q&A with Savoy: Commitment & Sex, Lonely Single Women

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Q&A with Savoy: Commitment & Sex, Lonely Single Women

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Published by: Love Systems on Nov 11, 2009
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05/22/2012

 
Love Systems Insider
Date: February 2007
 
Q&A with Savoy
Q #1: Love Systems,You must get a lot of mail so I’ll make this short. I have been dating someone for about two months and we still haven’t had sex. She dresses provocatively, she talks about sex all the time, but she always says stop when anything gets physical. I couldn’t even get her shirt off. I read some stuff on comfort and  seduction and saw a bunch of mistakes that I made about trying to push her. Pair-bonding worked great,and we become much more intimate, but we still haven’t “sealed the deal.” I know it’s only two months,but I’m starting to feel like a chump. I also don’t really know if she’s my girlfriend (I want her to be), and it’s really confusing. Help!- Y.E., Louisville, KY 
 A:Dear Y.E.,Just because a woman talks about sex or dresses provocatively does not mean she is any more or lessreceptive toward sexual advances. Female psychology is complicated; in some cases, the communicationabout sex is there because she is insecure or scared of actual sex. On the other hand, the fact that she talksabout sex all the time, while dating you, but not being intimate, is a bit odd. We’ll cover that in a bit.Let’s get some background covered first.Quoting from a Forum post on (http://www.theattractionforums.com/relationships/30497-how-make-her-your-girlfriend.html) “How to get her to be your girlfriend:”Your goal is to see her 2-3 times per week and for her to come to the conclusion herself that she doesn’twant to see other men and/or that she’d rather give up the ability to see other men in return for knowingthat you won’t see other women. It’s important for her to come to this conclusion herself as opposed toyour pressuring her.If you pressure her into a commitment before she feels completely ready – or at least ready enough to bring it up or hint strongly at it herself – then you’re significantly adding to the likelihood that she’llcheat on you later. So let’s not do that.Very true, and brings to mind a general rule: change her mood, not her mind. It is very difficult to argue awoman logically into changing an emotional decision about an emotional subject. If you do, it’s unlikelyto “stick.”For best results, start when in Comfort. Vague long-term plans based on common interests are a greatidea. For example, if I’m dating a woman who tells me she loves art, I’ll talk about how we have to go to
 
the Getty Museum one day. If we realize we both love ice hockey, I’ll comment on how we have to go toa game. If she wants to be a better cook, then I’ll suggest we take a cooking class at this school rightunder the Arclight, and maybe make it more specific by agreeing on what kind of cuisine we shouldlearn. Not only are you uncovering great date ideas, but you are also 1) reinforcing any emotions she hasthat you and her have some exciting possibilities ahead, 2) communicating that you see potential for some kind of longer-term relationship with her, and 3) helping her imagine herself with you in other contexts in the future. Don’t actually plan anything at this stage – keep it vague. Planning is boring for many women and takes away excitement and adventure and can make everything feel “too serious” tothem.You didn’t mention how often you see her or what the tone of your relationship is, so this may or maynot help. If it does, great. Now check out the concluding paragraph:It is a rare woman who will see you 2-3 times per week and never refer to you as her boyfriend or initiatea discussion about the future. But if it happens, then the responsibility falls on you to say something like“I feel funny bringing this up, but I realized we never actually talked about this. Are we supposed to beseeing other people?” Be emotionally neutral – and not nervous – when you say this. One way or another,this will resolve the issue.I’d run with this. It might be the commitment issue that is keeping her from wanting to have sex.Savoy 
Q #2: Love Systems,Why do some women complain that they are lonely but they are always busy when you ask them out? I date a lot of women, but there are some who are like this.- J.W., Tokyo, Japan.
 Dear J.W.,Some single women are lonely in general, but this feeling is not necessarily connected with her automaticresponses to a man in front of her. She can be lonely when she spends another Friday watching a moviewith her sister, but she can still reject a man because she is used to rejecting men because she has rejected3,500 of them before she met you.You might think 3,500 is an exaggeration. It’s not. Let’s assume she is 25 and only goes out to socialevents twice a week. Let’s assume she has been going out since she was 18. Let’s also assume only fivemen talk to her each night, which is low for an attractive woman, and that men never talk to her exceptfor on these nights.That’s 3,640 – even with all of the “low” assumptions. Her natural inclination is going to be to say no.That’s what attractive women do – they’re not looking to say yes, they’re looking for reasons to say no.

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