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Love Systems Insider: Guide to Dates and Dating PART 2

Love Systems Insider: Guide to Dates and Dating PART 2

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Published by: Love Systems on Nov 12, 2009
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05/25/2011

 
Love Systems Insider
Date: March 2009
Dates Continued (and how to avoid flakes)
We received quite a lot of overwhelmingly positive feedback on the previous article on Datesand Dating. We love getting testimonials, and here's one I wanted to share:
“That was the best article yet. I used to take girls to dinner over and over. They were just using me for money or had nothing better to do. Last Wednesday, I did exactly what you said. Nora (I changed her name to protect the not-so-innocent) works in the coffee shop in my building, and I invited her out to seemy friend’s band. She met me at my condo, we drove together, I took her to meet the guys afterward, and  I could completely feel the power shift. She was in my world. I didn’t even need to think about what todo next, because I knew the odds were in my favor, and I was able to relax and let my personality shinethrough. At the end of the night, of course she needed to come back to my condo to get her car. I invited her in to lend her a book I’d been talking about, and the rest (after a bit of LMR) was history. Thank you Love Systems!”
- D. K., Alexandria, VAIt’s amazingly rewarding to change lives like this.Because of this and other feedback, I’ve decided to break with tradition and do a more advancedarticle and build on last week’s topic. So, apologies in advance if you’re new – we’re going toget into some intermediate-level theory here.Previously, we discussed how to turn a Date into a sexual relationship. Now we’ll discuss howto make sure she shows up in the first place and doesn’t “flake.”First, ask yourselves this:
Have you ever made plans with a woman and she didn’t show up?
Have you ever gotten a phone call earlier that day telling you that she “has to work” or “isn’tfeeling well?”
Have you ever made plans with a woman and then she told you to “call to confirm?”
If any of that applies to you, you need to really pay attention here. This will banish flakesforever.First, let’s review the first four phases of the Emotional Progression part of theTriad Model:Meet Her (Approaching)Attract Her (Attraction)Qualify Her (Qualification)Build Comfort (Comfort)
 
 
The biggest mistake most men make in terms of Dates is going for the phone number assoon as she is attracted, and not pushing the relationship forward. Then they assume thatthe woman will meet them again, and they can continue where they left off, only to get“flaked.” They never meet up.
Why? Let’s look at the situation from a woman’s perspective:She goes out to a restaurant with her friends. While waiting at the bar, an interesting manapproaches her. 3-5 minutes later (about how long it should take to get some attraction going),he asks for her number so they can “hang out sometime.” At that moment, she genuinely would“hang out” with this man “sometime”...... but it doesn’t turn out that way.See, going out “sometime” is different from going out Thursday night. To see her “sometime”all you have to do is be more interesting than doing nothing. That’s a pretty low standard, so of course she’ll agree to it. And, if she has nothing else to do, she might actually see you.However, most worthwhile women rarely have “nothing else to do.”So, to see her at a specific time, you need to be more interesting than anything else she could bedoing, like friends, hobbies, work, other dates, or relaxing at home. That’s a tough standard tomeet in 3-5 minutes. Especially since over the course of the night she met a bunch of other men.Did you think you were the only man to notice her? She likes all of the attention and flirting, but she doesn’t have time to go on 9 dates this week.
A woman is going to look for reasons NOT to go out with you.
Remember, meeting up with strange men is scary for a woman. First, there are issues of  physical safety. If she’s not comfortable with you, she may feel the risk of date rape or worse.Less dramatically is the hyper-developed fear that many women have of being in awkwardsocial situations. Women do not generally go by themselves to interact socially with strangers.So, they bring a friend. To a man, the idea that you might not have a great time with thiswoman is irrelevant. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Maybe you don’t care, because she’s beautiful. Either way, you’ll never know if you don’t meet up. Worst case scenario is you cut itshort early and go home. Men don’t agonize and worry over whether it will be sociallyawkward or not. But, many women do, and we need to take this into account.It should be clear by now that a quick interaction leading to some basic attraction and “weshould hang out sometime” is rarely going to lead an exceptionally desirable woman into seeingyou again. She fears safety, she fears social awkwardness, and who is this guy anyway? She’s busy and she only met you for five minutes. If she’s really trying to convince herself not toshow up, she’ll wonder why you’d even call her when you only met for a few minutes and youknow so little about her (after all, you spent that time attracting her as opposed to learning abouther). Are you desperate? Or are you a player?
 
To fix that mistake, make sure you get into Comfort during the first meet.
I don’t care if you only have 10 minutes. You just have to play faster. You need to qualify andget into Comfort for your “time bridge” (seeing her again) to stick. If you qualify and get intoComfort, you minimize ALL of the objections we just discussed.
By the way, if you don’t remember how to qualify, you need to study up inMagic Bullets.Advanced sources of Qualification techniques include Interview Series volumesQualification with Sinn, and Issues in Qualification with Mr. M, Braddock, and Sphinx.
If you don’t remember how to build comfort, hit the original source on dating science,MagicBullets.
The second biggest mistake you can make is to go for the date unnecessarily.
There is nothing in Love Systems or the Triad Model that mandates meeting her again at adifferent time (a date). Sure, you may have to, like if you meet her on your lunch break andhave to get back to work, but a lot of guys are used to thinking of getting a woman’s phonenumber as something special. It’s not. Phone numbers do not lead to happy social lives;relationships do.A phone number is a tool. It’s not a goal. It’s not even an intermediate goal. Don’t ever feel proud of yourself for getting a phone number.In a way, a phone number is an admission of failure, even if it’s sometimes an unavoidablefailure. A phone number says “I am not trying to move this relationship forward right now. Iam taking the risk that she will flake and am hoping to continue this later. In the worst case, Ilose the relationship with her. In the best case, she meets me for the date and I’m more or lesswhere I am now.”Make sense? A phone number never gains you anything. A date never gains you anything. Allit does is give you another chance to push the relationship forward if the logistics weren’t rightto do so when you met her.Here’s an example from the bootcamp in LA last weekend. We took the guys to a lounge in Hollywood and one of them was deep in conversation with Suzanne, a very fit Asian woman.Suzanne’s friends were happy for her to talk to our guy, because he had already won them over in Attraction. It was about midnight. There was no time pressure. But when our student “ranout of things to say” he took her phone number and rejoined us.This was a bad decision. All the phone number was going to do was help them meet up again tospend time together. However, they were already in the middle of spending time together.Psychologically, he wanted to “lock in” what he had “gained” so far: her willingness to givehim her phone number. That’s a rookie mistake.Of course, we didn’t let him leave Suzanne. We led him back to her with instructions to escalateuntil rejection. When the lights came on an hour later, they left to get pizza. And then to gohome together. There was no need for a time bridge.

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