New Moon: Edward’s POV

I hold no rights. Based on “New Moon” by Stephanie Meyer

Chapter 2: Stitches
I stood there, my arms spread wide, glaring at my family, but
mostly at Jasper as he was still trying to get past Emmett to Bella.
“Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside.” I heard Carlisle say.
Emmett nodded to Carlisle, realizing the seriousness of the
situation, for once, and said, ”Come on, Jasper.” I still stayed
focused on Jasper. He was still trying to break Emmett’s hold on
him. He was still reaching towards me, baring his teeth. He was
still past reason. So I crouched further over Bella and sent him
warning growl, just to let him know that I fully intended on doing
whatever it takes to protect Bella. Whatever it takes.
Rosalie stepped in front of him then and helped Emmett get
Jasper through the door. Rosalie’s face was smug as she helped
him, ‘ I knew this would happen sooner or later. They didn’t listen.
Ha, I told him’ Rosalie thought as she helped him out the door. I
didn’t have time to deal with her. I would soon enough thought.
Esme held the door for them while they led him out. She held her
mouth and her nose to keep from smelling the blood. She felt so
ashamed that Jasper had reacted the way he did and also
because, no matter how much she loved Bella, she was still a
vampire and Bella’s blood smelled too good. She had to leave too.
“Let me by, Edward.” Carlisle said, approaching me. I knew he
was in total control, but, just for a second, I hesitated. I was on
edge and the only thing that mattered was Bella’s safety.
‘I need to take care of her wounds, Edward. She’s still
bleeding.’Carlisle thought. I nodded slowly and relaxed my
position. He knelt down beside her to examine the damage. I
looked at her face. This was the first time I had a chance to look
at it since she cut her finger. I couldn’t afford to take my eyes
away from Jasper long enough to see how badly I had her. She
was still in shock, of course. It was all over her face. If I asked her
about it, though, I’m sure she would just deny it. But I could see it.
She was trying her best to compose it, but it was too late. I
already saw it.
Alice stayed in the room also, but she had kept her distance until
she could compose herself. She warned me with her thoughts
before she stepped closer, my back was to her, ‘It’s just me
Edward, and I’m fine. I just want to hand Carlisle a towel.’ I just
nodded.
“Here, Carlisle,” Alice said to him, handing him the towel.
Carlisle shook his head at her. “Too much glass in the wound.” He
made a tourniquet with a torn piece of the table cloth and
wrapped it above her elbow. “Bella, do you want me to drive you
to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?”
Carlisle asked Bella.
“Here, please” she whispered. I wished there was something I
could do. I wish I could take care of her like that. Carlisle was
totally in control. And here I am, thirsting for her blood even more
that Jasper was.
“I’ll go get your bag” Alice said, pulling me from my self-pity.
Carlisle looked at me then, “Let’s take her to the kitchen table.”
I lifted her out of the broken glass while Carlisle kept pressure on
her arm to stop the bleeding. “How are you doing Bella?” Carlisle
asked her. Why haven’t I asked her that yet? Why haven’t I said
one word to her since this started? Oh….that’s right. I haven’t
taken a breath since it started. Afraid that if I did, I would end up
in the same position Jasper was in, and I, unlike him, would
probably end up really killing her. What a mess.
“I’m fine,” Bella said. Her voice was surprisingly steady. Alice had
returned and I sat her gently into a chair while Carlisle pulled up
another and went to work on her arm. I still stood over her
protectively, still not breathing. Not because I sensed any real
danger, but because this was my Bella and we were all still
vampires. I was still in shock at what had just transpired.
“Just go, Edward,” Bella said to me. I can do this, I can do this. I
kept chanting in my head.
“I can handle it,” I responded back to her. I know she could see
how rigid my jaw was. I hated being this weak. The girl I love is
sitting right here in front of me, hurt, and all I could think of was
how sweet her blood smells to me. This is all wrong. This isn’t
right.
“You don’t need to be a hero,” she continued, “Carlisle can fix me
up without your help. Get some fresh air.” She was always
worrying about me. Never about herself. Here she was, bloodied
and bruised, and she was worrying about how this affected me.
Not frightened like she should be. She knew, I told her, how her
blood smells to me. How much effort I put into being around her,
even when she isn’t bleeding. She knew at any moment it could
be too much and I could kill her, but she had too much faith in me
as always. She was right though. I’m not doing anything useful
here, except not breathing in her scent. I could get some fresh air
and be right back. Carlisle continued working on her arm, he put
some antiseptic on it to clean the wounds and Bella winced.
“I’ll stay,” I said immediately. I hate to see her in any kind of pain.
I need to be here for her.
“Why are you so masochistic?” she mumbled.
Before I could respond, Carlisle interceded, “Edward, you may as
well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I’m sure he’s upset with
himself, and I doubt he’ll listen to anyone but you right now.”
“Yes,” Bella quickly agreed, “Go find Jasper.”
“You might as well do something useful,” Alice added. So they
were all going to gang up on me were they. ‘She’ll be fine,
Edward. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll take care of her. You really need to
get some fresh air. You don’t look so good. And it’s not helping
Bella to see you like this.’ Carlisle thought. He was right. He would
take care of her. He is more than capable to take care of her. I was
the one who couldn’t. And I do need some fresh air, I haven’t
taken a breath since she cut her finger. I simply nodded and left
through the kitchen door.
I went out back to the river and took a deep breath. I found the
rock that I sat on when I came here to think sometimes. I looked
up at the stars and, with a clear head, started to think. What had
just happened in there? Had my brother just tried to kill Bella, my
love? And, in turn, had I planned to kill him and anyone else who
got within ten feet of her? My family? What a horrible situation.
This has gotten out of hand. As much as I hated to even think the
words, maybe Rosalie was right. This was inevitable. It was going
to happen sooner or later. Especially with as clumsy as she was.
What was I thinking? I was so selfish to think that I could be with
her. A human. Am I never suppose to have happiness? The kind
that Carlisle and Esme thought I deserved? When I thought that I
finally found it, the package that it came in was my opposite in
every way. Was God laughing at me? Probably.
‘ Edward, I am so, so very sorry. I don’t know what happened. I
just smelled her blood and my thirst took over. I’m so sorry. You
have no idea.’. Jasper’s thoughts interrupted me. Just then he
came around the corner. I turned around with the intentions of
glaring at him for his actions earlier, but I couldn’t bring myself to
be angry at him. He could sense that and so he walked over and
sat beside me.
“Edward, you’re not angry.” He concluded, surprised and relieved.
“No, I’m not angry. I understand. I know all too well. You should’ve
seen me that first day in our biology class when I first got a whiff
of her scent. It took everything in my power not to kill her and
every other witness in the classroom. As soon as I smelled her,
every ounce of self-control had disappeared and I was just a
vampire and she was my prey.”, I admitted to him. I don’t think
I’ve told anybody that.
“But you did control yourself, Edward. I just acted like an animal
in there. And poor Bella. She must’ve been terrified. She would
never forgive me for this. Nor Alice……..” he paused, shaking his
head.
“Jasper, we’ve been at this a lot longer than you have. It’s ok. It’s
happened to the best of us. Don’t worry about it. No harm done,
right?” I said to him.
“Right, no harm done. I’m still sorry Edward……”
“Jasper, it’s fine. Go talk to Alice. I’m sure she isn’t upset with you
either.”
“Ok, Edward. Thank you. I will make it up to you. And I’m sorry
again.” He said and walked away. I didn’t have it in me to argue
with him now. I was angry, a little, about what had happened. I
knew Jasper couldn’t help himself. I saw that in his thoughts, but
that was still Bella. Of course I had more words for him, some that
I would never speak in front of a lady, but I had more important
things to think about now.
I didn’t know what I was going to do next. I have to figure
something out. But for now, I should go in and check on her.
I walked back in the house. I heard Carlisle talking to Bella about
when he changed me. I caught the end of it though, “I wasn’t
sorry, though. I’ve never been sorry that I saved Edward.” He
paused. He heard me in the dining room. “I suppose I should take
you home now.”
I walked through the dining room then, trying to compose my face
from the pain that was trying to break free. “ I’ll do that,” I said.
“Carlisle can take me,” she said. She looked at her clothes and
saw how bad they were, covered in cake frosting and blood.
“I’m fine. You’ll need to change anyway. You’d give Charlie a heart
attack the way you look. I’ll have Alice get you something.” I told
her and walked back out of the kitchen. I have to get it together
before I face her again. She will definitely know something was
wrong. She always saw through my pretenses. Alice met me at
the stairs.
“Edward, what’s going on? Your future……Bella’s future…..it’s…I
don’t know, something’s changing.” Alice said. I should’ve known
she would see something was wrong.
“Could you please get Bella something to wear back home, I don’t
want Charlie to see her like that.” I purposely avoided her
question. I don’t even know how to answer it. Not yet anyway.
“Edward, what are you……” Alice insisted. But I cut her off.
“Alice, I don’t know. Can you just please do as I ask?” I said to her.
“Sure…” she said.
We walked back to the kitchen through the back doors. I was still
having a hard time covering up my grief about what happened.
Alice didn’t make it any better. She hurried to Bella to help her
find something to wear.
“C’mon, I’ll get you something less macabre to wear” Alice said.
They headed upstairs to Esme’s room. Carlisle looked at me with
a wistful expression. He didn’t say anything. I could hear him
trying to control his thoughts. He didn’t want to make anything
worse. He was concerned about me. As always. But he knew I
would come to him if I wanted to talk. Esme was the only one to
speak, “How are you, Edward? You don’t look so good.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ve just got a lot on my mind, that’s all. You don’t
need to worry,” I assured her, but that was far from the truth. A
solution to this problem was occurring to me, but I was trying to
find any other way to fix this. Anything but that. I stood by the
door waiting for Bella and Alice to return so that I could get Bella
home safe and sound. After awhile they came down the stairs. As
she got to the bottom, I held the door open for her, without saying
anything. I could barely control my facial expressions, I knew my
voice would certainly give me away.
“Take your things,” Alice told Bella while she handed her her
presents and her camera. “You can thank me later, when you’ve
opened them.”
Esme and Carlisle told her goodnight. They stole glances at me
before we walked out of the door. Wondering silently if I would be
ok. We walked silently to the car and I held the passenger door
open for her. She got in without saying anything. She knew
something was wrong. How could she not? Even if she wasn’t as
perceptive as she was, it was obvious. She tore the ribbon off of
the stereo and kicked it under her seat before I got in on the
driver’s side. I didn’t say anything when I got in. I didn’t even look
at the stereo. Or her. We rode in silence. I was still thinking of
another option besides the one that was looming over my head.
“Say something”, Bella begged.
“What do you want me to say?” I knew my voice would give me
away. It had no emotion.
“Tell me you forgive me,” she said. Just like Bella. Taking the
blame for something that was so far from her fault.
“Forgive you? For what?” My words came out sharper than I
intended them to, but her words had made me angry. She was not
going to take the blame for this. Not this.
“If I’d been more careful, nothing would have happened.” She
said.
“Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut- that hardly deserves the
death penalty.”
“It’s still my fault.” This made me even angrier. How could she
blame herself for what happened? If her goal was to get me to say
something, it had been accomplished.
“Your fault? If you’d cut yourself at Mike Newton’s house, with
Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst
that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they
couldn’t find you a bandage? If you’d tripped and knocked over a
pile of glass plates on your own-without someone throwing you
into them-even then, what’s the worst? You’d get blood on the
seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton
could have held your hand while they stitched you up- and he
wouldn’t be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was
there. Don’t try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only
make me more disgusted with myself.”
“How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?” She
demanded. She was angry now. Could I do nothing right tonight?
“Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton
would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with,” I growled at
her. He would be safer for her to be with. She would be happier. I
had hurt Bella the worst, tonight. She started out with just a paper
cut. I had to throw her into the table and now her arms were
bandaged up in gauze from her scrapes and cuts from the glass
that I threw her into.
“I’d rather die than be with Mike Newton. I’d rather die than be
with anyone but you.” Under normal circumstances, this would
have made me happy. To hear that she wanted only me. But
tonight, those words only made me angrier. The words she used
were right on point. She would get herself killed trying to be with
me. Being around me kept her in constant danger.
“Don’t be melodramatic, please,” I told her.
“Well, then, don’t you be ridiculous.”
I didn’t respond back. I just glared out the window. Trying my best
to gather my thoughts. I hated being this angry around her. And it
was still her birthday. When we made it Charlie’s house. I cut the
truck off, but my hands were still clenched to the steering wheel.
It felt like they were glued there.
“Will you stay tonight?” she asked me. Why would she want me to
stay after what happened tonight?
“I should go home,” I told her. I needed to think and she needed
to rest. Maybe she could salvage what was left of her birthday
without me as a reminder of what happened tonight.
“For my birthday,” she said. Oh, now she wanted to acknowledge
her birthday.
“You can’t have it both ways-either you want people to ignore
your birthday or you don’t. One or the other.”
“Okay, I’ve decided that I don’t want you to ignore my birthday. I’ll
see you upstairs.” She said while hopping out of the car and
reaching for her presents. I frowned. Those presents were the
cause of this whole mess. If we hadn’t gotten her presents, like
she asked, then she never would’ve cut her hand.
“You don’t have to take those.” I told her.
“I want them,” she said.
“No, you don’t. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you.”
“I’ll live,” she said, as she tucked the presents under her arm. Her
good arm. The arm I hadn’t injured. I flashed to her side to grab
her presents. “Let me carry them, at least. I’ll be in your room.”
She smiled and thanked me. Her smile encouraged me to try to
put these negative thoughts and feelings away until I was alone.
She didn’t deserve this. Especially not right now. I would get my
emotions in order for her.
“Happy birthday,” I sighed and I leaned down to kiss her. She
reached up to make the kiss last longer. Getting carried away as
always. I pulled away and smiled at her. Nothing ever bothered
her. I ran up the side of her house up into her window to wait for
her. I positioned myself in the center of her bed and twirled one of
the boxes in my hand. Trying to calm myself. Trying to be me, for
her. She didn’t converselong with her dad. She was in a hurry to
get back to me. She rushed while she was in the bathroom and
then she was walking through the door. “Hi” I said. She came to
the bed, pushed the box out of my hand, and climbed into my lap.
I could be like this with her forever.
“Hi,” she said back, snuggling herself into my chest, “Can I open
my presents now?”
“Where did the enthusiasm come from?” ,I wondered out loud.
“You made me curious,” she said. Then she picked up Carlisle and
Esme’s gift. “Allow me” I told her. We didn’t need a repeat of what
happened. I tore the paper off the gift and handed it back to her.
“Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?” she said, but I ignored
her. Carlisle and Esme had bought us two tickets to go see her
mom in Jacksonville. It’s been awhile since she’s seen her. And I
wouldn’t mind the vacation…….if I were going with her.
“We’re going to Jacksonville?” she asked. She was excited about
it. Genuinely.
“That’s the idea.” I told her, surprised by her sudden excitement.
“I can’t believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don’t mind, though,
do you? It’s sunny, you’ll have to stay inside all day.” Always
worrying about me. I really didn’t deserve her.
“I think I can handle it,” I replied. And then a frown crept onto my
face. “If I’d had any idea that you could respond to a gift this
appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle
and Esme. I thought you’d complain.”
“Well, of course, it’s too much. But I get to take you with me!” she
said. It made me laugh and the laughing felt natural. Even after
what all happened tonight, being with her now, it all seems like a
distant memory. She always had a way of making all of my
worries go away. “Now I wish I’d spent money on your present. I
didn’t realize you were capable of being reasonable.”
After I said that, she set the tickets down and reached for my gift.
I grabbed it before she could and unwrapped like I had the last
one. I handed her the CD I made for her.
“What is it?” she asked.
I didn’t say anything. It would ruin her reaction if I just told her
what it was. I simply took the CD from her and put it in her CD
player and hit play. We sat there until the music began. As the
music filled the room, I waited for her reaction. Would she like it?
What was she thinking? As I watched her face closely for any
reaction, her eyes started to fill with tears. What was wrong with
her?
“Does your arm hurt? I asked.
“No, it’s not my arm. It’s beautiful Edward. You couldn’t have
given me anything I would love more. I can’t believe it.” she said
and then became quiet as she absorbed my compositions. Wow,
she really loved my gift. I thought she would give me grief for
getting her anything. Well, at least I got one thing right tonight.
Her lullaby was playing. It was the first song.
“I didn’t think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you
here,” I explained to her.
“You’re right”
“How does your arm feel?” I asked her.
“Just fine.” Bella will be Bella. Never wanting to be taken care of. I
knew her arm had to be hurting. The medicine would have worn
off by now.
“I’ll get you some Tylenol.”
“I don’t need anything,” she protested, but I ignored her and
headed for the door.
“Charlie,” she whispered.
“He won’t catch me,” I told her slipping out of the door, grabbing
the Tylenol from the bathroom cabinet and the glass, and slipping
back in her room before the door had time to close. I handed
them to her and she took them without any complaints.
Surprisingly.
“It’s late,” I told her. It was late and she had to be tired from the
stress of the evening. And I needed to think. I picked her up with
one arm and pulled the cover back with the other arm. I laid her
down and tucked the quilt around her, so my temperature
would’nt give her chills, and I laid down next to her. She leaned
her head against my shoulder and sighed.
“Thanks again,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome.”
The music was still playing in the background. She listened while
my mind drifted to more unhappy thoughts. What is the right and
wrong thing to do here? I had thought, even given myself
excuses, convinced myself, that me staying with her was the right
thing to do. She needed protection, I told myself. She needed me.
But now, that very excuse, has turned into the wrong thing to do.
Staying here with her as proved to be the worst decision I have
made since I met her. I wish I knew the right answer.
“What are you thinking about?” Bella asked, interrupting me. I
hesitated for a second, wondering if I should tell her the truth.
That I was thinking about leaving, for her.
“I was thinking about right and wrong, actually.” That wasn’t a lie.
It just wasn’t the whole truth. She had been through enough. The
truth would just upset her more. I expected her to press the issue,
to probe more, but she decided to change the subject.
“Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my
birthday?” she asked anxiously. She was trying to distract me.
Probably from thinking about right and wrong. That’s why she
changed the subject.
“Yes.”
“Well, I was thinking, since it’s still my birthday, that I’d like you
to kiss me again.”
“You’re greedy tonight.”
“Yes, I am-but please don’t do anything you don’t want to do,”
she added.
Yeah, like I could ever not want to kiss Bella. “Heaven, forbid that I
should do anything I don’t want to do, “ I said as I put my hand
under her chin and pulled her face up to mine. While we kissed,
her heartbeat started to flutter, as it always did, but something
was different. This did something different to me. Made me feel
different. Like something inside me knew that, someday soon, I
would not be able to hear her heart flutter. Someday soon, I would
not be able to feel her soft, gentle lips moving against mine. This
feeling brought me back to when I had to leave her last spring to
hunt James. That feeling of loss, of desperation, came rushing
back and I suddenly had the urge to throw myself into the kiss. As
if she could be snatched away at any moment. I didn’t want to let
her go. My fingers twisted in her hair and I secured her face to
mine as if I wanted to somehow mold them together so that they
could never part. Her hands tangled in my hair also and if felt as if
she wanted to do the same thing. Mold our faces together so that
we could never be apart. This was more than I usually allowed
between us, but at the moment, it didn’t matter. Nothing
mattered but her in my arms. Her body close to mine, her lips
moving with mine. She crushed her body to mine eagerly, and as
she did that I knew that I had taken this too far. I stopped
immediately and pushed her away. She fell back on her pillow,
gasping for air. I sometimes forgot to give her time to breath
when we were kissing. I didn’t need the extra air. It came as a
surprise to me, and I’m sure to her as well, that I was breathless
too. Although oxygen wasn’t a necessity for me, especially when
we were kissing, the desperation to be near her, to kiss her made
me anxious.
“Sorry. That was out of line,” I said to her.
“I don’t mind,” she said. I frowned at her. She never minded
pushing me over the limit of my self-control. She never took
seriously the fact that I could kill her if I got too carried away.
“Try to sleep, Bella” , I frowned at her. She has really had a rough
night. All because of me. Because I chose to allow her to be a part
of my world. What was I thinking?
“No, I want you to kiss me again.” She said.
“You’re overestimating my self-control”, I said, which was nothing
new. She often forgot, or pretended to forget, how her blood
tempted me. Let alone how, so very much, her body, being so
close to mine, also tempted me in other ways……….
“Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?”, she asked.
Is that a trick question?, I thought to myself.
“It’s a tie”, I grinned, despite the fact that I was feeling totally and
utterly helpless and unworthy of her presence in my life right now.
How could I have let this happen?, I thought. All expression left
my face as I thought of that and then I was suddenly serious.
“Now, why don’t you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?”
“Fine” she agreed, snuggling herself close to me. Her warm body
did strange things to me…….But I shouldn’t be thinking about
that right now. As she allowed herself to finally try to get some
sleep, I felt her place her arm against my shoulder. Maybe the
coolness of my skin made her arm feel better. I think she was
trying to be sneaky about it. Did she really think I wouldn’t notice?
I started to ask her about it, if she was still in pain, but my cold
skin seemed to make her feel better and that’s all that mattered.
Bella finally fell asleep as I continued to stare at her face as she
drifted. She is so beautiful, I thought. How is it that this
magnificent, perfect creature is meant for me. A monster. Far
from magnificent.
I just continued to stare……. Her face was so smooth with all
expression wiped away as she dreamed.
I’ll bet every dollar I have that she was dreaming about me. Even
after what I have put her through tonight. What I have put her
through since we met. She still dreams happy dreams………. of
me. Oh, how I don’t deserve her.
Then I started to wonder if she felt the urgency of my kiss. Then I
shook my head…..More than likely she did. Bella noticed
everything. I couldn’t help myself though. I got caught up in the
moment. I could kiss her forever…….. Feeling our lips move in
synchronization like they were meant only for each other. Feeling
her tongue trace across my lips and set every nerve in my body
on fire. Hearing her breathing accelerate as I kissed her from her
temple, down her jaw, across her throat, and her collarbone…….I
can’t go there right now, though. And I ripped the image from my
mind. There is a more pressing issue that needs to be taken care
of.
I have to do something about this impossible situation that I have
created. She deserves to live a happy life, free from any danger,
free from vampires. Especially vampires. Every since she has
become a part of my life, she has been in constant danger from
being harmed by our kind. Now, my own brother has endangered
her life.
As long as we are together, she will always be in danger. I am so
weak. I may be strong in strength, but internally, I am weaker
than any human. I should have left when she first got to Forks like
I wanted to. Before I fell in love with her. I should have been
strong enough to leave, instead of being selfish. Even after I
realized I loved her, I should have loved her enough to leave her,
protect her from what I am. I will love her enough now. I have to
leave. I have to leave Bella. Just thinking those words pained my
expression.
Leave Bella?, I thought and let out a sigh.
Just the sound of those words echoing in my head sent a shrieking
pain in my hollow heart. This girl is everything to me. To my
existence. She is my soul. But I have to do whatever I can to make
sure she is happy and safe, no matter how much pain it causes
me. She must be safe.
“Edward”, Bella sighed as she dreamed.
She is dreaming of me. Well, there goes every dollar I have. It’s
amazing how the sound of my name coming from her lips still
sends chills through my body. I love her so much. If I could cry,
tears would be streaming down my face. What am I going to do
without her? How will I survive? And then I corrected that last
question.
How will I survive ……..if something terrible happened to her? This
is the most important question. That question overrules any
feelings of indecision I have about leaving. She must exist. I will
survive it, the pain, the suffering, the agony, I will make myself
survive it all as long as I know she exists.
“I Love You, Edward……..” she sighed again and then turned over
with a slight smile on her lips.
I have to go tell my family about leaving before she continues to
speak the words that will compel me to stay. As I got up to leave,
she clutched her hands on my shirt. I looked at her thinking that
she was awake. The strength that she put behind holding on to
me, she had to be awake. But she was still sound asleep. It was as
if she knew that I was about to leave. Not just leave to go home,
but leave forever. As I pryed her hands from my shirt, I realized
that this was going to be extremely hard. It’s going to be nearly
impossible for her to let me go. But I must.
I leaped out of her window and raced home. When I got there,
Alice met me on the porch. By the look on her face, I could tell
that she already knew what I was there for. Her expression was
mixed between a scowl and pain. I had thought that this would be
the easiest part of all of this. Telling my family that we have to
leave. But looking at her face, I could see that this was going to
be very hard for them to. I am hurting everyone I love the most. I
am a terrible person. I should not exist.
As I approached, Alice started to say something, but I interrupted
her.
“It’s for the best Alice”, I said.
“The best for who Edward. It’s not the best for me, it’s not the
best for you, and it is most definitely not the best for her. This will
devastate her Edward.”
“She will get over it eventually. Over me.” As much as I didn’t
want her to get over me, as much as I wanted her to love me
forever, as I would her, she had to get over me. She had to forget
me. “It’s the only way to make sure she is safe, Alice. She
deserves to be happy. She deserves to be free from danger. Our
presence in her life puts her in danger. Can’t you see that!? If she
would not have been in the clearing with us playing baseball last
spring, James would never have gotten a whiff of her scent and
tried to kill her. If she would not have been at our house, Jasper
wouldn’t have tried to attack her. Every time she has been in
danger, it has been because of me. She does not deserve this.”
My voice broke on that last sentence. Alice would never know how
much pain this is causing me to do this. Not now anyway. But I
must hold my confidence while explaining this to her. To them.
They don’t need to detect any confusion about the decision on my
part or they will do whatever they can to try to convince me to
stay.
“Edward, I think Bella should at least have a part in this decision.
This affects her life too you know. This affects all of our lives. You
are not the only one who loves her. We all love her, especially me.
What about Esme? You know she already considers Bella as a
daughter. Have you thought about that? Have you thought about
anyone besides yourself? You cannot make this decision for her.
You cannot make this decision for all of us!.” Alice practically
growled at me.
“The decision is made, Alice. I did not come here to discuss this. I
came here to let you know that we ARE leaving and that you need
to prepare to leave.” I kept my voice at stern as I could under the
circumstances.
“Edward, you can’t make me leave. You may leave if you wish.
But she is my best friend and I will not hurt her like this. This is
stupid! This is insane! I will not go along with it.” She was yelling
with a high-pitch now. Her voice always got high when she was
angry. If I wasn’t in so much pain from what I was about to do, this
would have been hilarious.
We stared each other down for what seemed like forever. I was
used to doing this with Bella whenever she got angry with me. But
I can’t think of that right now. I have to be strong, at least for right
now. Then I realized that she was not Bella, a human. She was a
vampire. It’s in our nature to be as still as stone. As vampires, we
could do this forever, literally. So I decided to speak first. I didn’t
have time for this. I needed to get back to Bella. Every moment I
had left with her was ticking away and this was taking away from
that time.
“ I have moved whenever any of you have asked me to without a
word or complaint. I haven’t tried to stop anyone when they
wanted to move on. I have never asked them to explain their
reason for leaving. You owe me this and you know it.” I said very
calmly. As the words I said sunk in, her expression changed from
anger to defeat. She knew I was right.
“Please, Edward” she said with her thoughts. Her golden eyes
pleading. As much as I hated to hurt my favorite sister, this is
what was best for Bella and she is my first priority.
“I’m sorry Alice. I know you love her. Which is why you should see
how this is the best thing for her. She needs to be safe. She needs
to be happy. That cannot happen as long as we are in her life.” I
told her. All seriousness gone from my face before I gave it
permission to. I was pleading with her. Pleading for her to
understand why this was the best thing for Bella. Pleading for her
to understand that this has to happen for Bella to be safe.
She breathed out a sigh. A sigh of defeat, “Ok, Edward…………. I
will leave with you. I will desert my best friend. I do owe you this. I
can’t begrudge you this.” Her words were understanding but her
voice and expression were still full of pain.
“Thanks…… Now can we go in and let the others know?” I said.
Happy to have gotten past one member of my family unharmed.
Five more to go……….
“I guess”. She said. As painful as this was about to be, I know that
this was just a quarter of the pain that I would have to endure
over the next few days.
Days…..I thought to myself.
Is that really all the time I had left with Bella? Days? Although I
had known that we didn’t have much time left together once I
made my decision to leave, saying the word made it that much
more devastating. And that much more permanent. I had
imagined being with Bella forever for so long now. It was hard to
rap my head around the concept of only a few more days with
her.
Alice and I walked in the door together and, as I deciphered my
family’s expressions and thoughts, I knew that our conversation
outside had not gone unnoticed or unheard. They were all sitting
in dining room waiting for us.
I walked in the dining room and looked at all of their faces. All of
them were experiencing different emotions about what I was
about to tell them, but one emotion was consistent throughout all
of them. Sadness.
I spoke first before their questions started to flood the room. “ So,
I’m pretty sure that you all heard the conversation the Alice and I
had outside and you all know why I am here.” Before I could
continue, Jasper thoughts broke my concentration.
“I’m sorry, Edward. This is all my fault. I will leave. Alone. You
should not have to deprive yourself of the woman you love
because of my actions. What I did was unforgiveable and I should
be the one to take responsibility for---“
“No, Jasper.” I said before he could continue.
“This is not your fault. I forgive you. What happened happened.
You are not going anywhere alone. I do not hold you responsible in
any way.” I told him. And as I said it I realized that I did not hold
him responsible for what he did. Yeah, he attacked her and if we
all hadn’t been there to get him under control he probably would
have killed her- flinch-but I know that he did not want to hurt her.
His vampire instincts took over and I know, all too well, that when
that happens it is impossible to stop yourself even though your
mind is telling you that it is wrong.
“ I am not leaving because of what just happened tonight. That
has something to do with it but that’s not the only reason. Every
since I let Bella interact with our world, she has been in danger.
Last spring, because I included her in one of our baseball games,
she was pursued by two vampires and almost died at the hands of
one of them”. I winced as I recalled the memories that have
haunted me since last spring. That will haunt me for the rest of
my existence. “Tonight, she was once again put in danger
because of me”, I tried my best to word that last statement
making very careful not to make Jasper feel worse than he
already did. “Our presence in her life is not good for her. I should
have left when you told me too Carlisle instead of staying here
and pursuing her. I don’t know why I thought this could’ve worked
out. It was doomed before it even began. I think the best thing for
Bella is if we leave town. This would hurt her, at first, but she will
get over it and go on to live a happy, peaceful life. Free from any
danger that our world causes her.”
Everyone sat there for a minute. Thoughtless, as they processed
my words. Carlisle was the first to speak. “Edward, I know you’re
thinking of Bella’s safety, but this is going to be very hard on you
also. Have you thought this through? Maybe you should give it
some time? There has to be another way.” So like Carlisle, always
trying to find a bright side.
“Carlisle, I don’t see any other way. The only other way is if there
was any possible way for me to become human for her, and
unless you know that secret, this is the only option.” Oh, how I
wish that there was a way. Any possible way at all that I could be
human for Bella. I would do it. No matter the price or pain that it
entailed, I would suffer it. Anything to deserve her. But there
wasn’t.
Esme just looked at me. Pain and sadness in her eyes. I know how
much she loves Bella and this was killing her to have to leave her,
but the thing that caused her the most pain was the pain that I
was going to go through when I was without Bella. She was the
one that was the most happiest when she knew I had fallen for
Bella. Well, besides Alice. She had worried about my loneliness
and unhappiness for eighty years and she was ecstatic that I was
finally happy. Whole.
“Esme, I will be fine.”, I said as I answered her thoughts.” It’s
what’s best for Bella and that’s the most important thing. Don’t
worry about me.” I said trying to console her. But she knew just as
well as I did that this was a lie. I, honestly, don’t know how I was
going to survive this. But I had to put on a brave face. Especially
for Esme.
“Edward, are you sure? This is not a decision that should be made
at the spur of the moment. This is very serious. Please make sure
that you have exhausted every possible option. This will have
tremendous consequences.” Carlisle said to me.
“ Carlisle, do you see any other option?”, I challenged.
“No, but-“, he started to say but I interrupted him.
“Does anyone else see any other option? Do you see any other
way that Bella can be safe when she is confronted with any our
kind? You all have smelled her. She smells too good for any
vampire, that’s not a vegetarian, to resist her if they get a whiff of
her scent. If we’re not here, no vampire would get close enough to
catch a whiff. So I don’t see any other option. If you do, please
enlighten me because I don’t. “
It was quiet for a moment. Everyone just looked at me. Like they
were waiting for me to say that I was just joking or something.
They all knew how much Bella had made me happy. How her
presence in my life has changed me drastically. They couldn’t
believe that I was about to do this. I looked at Rosalie and
Emmett. They were the only two that haven’t said anything about
the situation. I wanted everyone’s views, although their views
were not going to change my decision.
“Do you guys have anything to add? I really do want to hear your
opinions.” I looked at both of them, even though I really only
cared about Emmett’s. Emmett looked at Rosalie, then turned
back to me and spoke first. “Well, Edward, you know I love having
Bella around. She has become my little sister.” He said this with
no humor in his tone. Rare for Emmett. It surprised me. He usually
didn’t speak with so much seriousness in his voice. Even in the
most serious situations. “As much as I wish that you would
reconsider your decision, because I love her too, I can
understand. I would do whatever it took to make sure that Rosalie
was safe, if she was as fragile and vulnerable as Bella. I won’t
contest your decision. I’m with you with whatever you decide to
do..”
Wow…..was all I think to myself.
I looked around at everyone once I composed my face from the
shock of Emmett’s words and they looked just as shocked as I did.
Emmett started to laugh. “Come on you guys, I am capable of
speaking without making a joke and laughing it off.” He said. Then
he snickered and said, “Well sometimes”.
“So when do we leave”, Rosalie said. Without an ounce of feeling
about the situation. Like she was happy. She hid her thoughts by
thinking about all the clothes in her closet and trying to figure out
what she was going to wear tomorrow. A growl escaped from
somewhere inside my body before my mind had time to register
where it came from. Or course she wouldn’t care if Bella wasn’t in
our life anymore. In my life anymore. She never liked her anyway.
Before I could yell every profanity I knew at her for rejoicing about
the situation, Alice interrupted me. “Geesh, Rosalie, can you be
any less sympathetic? Your brother is about to lose the love of his
life and you don’t even care. Is your hatred toward Bella really
more important than the love that you NEED to be showing
towards your brother? We all love Bella, we are all hurting
because of this and you don’t even care. You couldn’t be happier,
could you? I just don’t understand how you can-“ Alice could have
continued all night, but I interrupted her once I got a hold of
myself. I would get to Rosalie when I had time for that but right
now all I wanted to do was get back to Bella.
“It’s ok Alice. I didn’t expect anything else from Rosalie.” That’s
all I said. Simple. That alone would tear Rosalie up. I wouldn’t give
her the attention that she craved. I would show her how
unimportant she was in this decision.
“So, it’s settled then, we’re leaving?” I said. As a question, though
I wasn’t really asking permission. I was beginning to ache from
being away from Bella considering the short time we had left. It
was like something………. some kind of force, was pulling me back
to her. I didn’t want to fight it. I wasn’t going to fight it. Not now. I
would have enough time to fight the magnetic force that pulls me
towards her soon enough. There would time for that. Right now I
embrace it. I welcome it.
Carlisle answered my question. “I guess so. We’ll invite Bella up
here tomorrow to tell her goodbye and leave right after.”
“No, you can’t say goodbye to her. None of you can.” That did it.
They all started yelling at once.
“What? What do you mean we can’t say goodbye?, Alice said.
“Edward, we can’t just leave……”, Esme pleaded.
“No, Edward. I have to, at least, apologize…………” said Jasper.
“We have to tell her something………” Carlisle suggested.
“I can’t leave without seeing her blush one last time…….” Emmett
joked.
Bella blushing. Even though Emmett was joking, that was one
thing that I don’t know how I was going live without. Seeing Bella
blush scarlet. I shyed away from that image to cut them off in
their rants….
“If we make a big scene about saying goodbye, it is only going to
make things harder for her. She needs a clean break from us.” I
told them. The pain in their voices, and their thoughts, as I told
them that they could not see Bella again to tell her goodbye was
more than I could take.
Alice spoke up, “Edward, if you think that I’m going to leave
without, at least, saying goodbye you have another thing coming.
You are not the only who loves her. We all love her. What is she
going to think if we just leave like that? That’s not fair Edward! It’s
not fair!” she screamed.
“Alice, it’s the best thing for her. If she has to watch all of us walk
away from her, it is just going to cause her more pain than
necessary. I’m sure you don’t want that. I’m sure none of you
want that.” They had to understand. I had to know that they were
not going to try to see her before they left.
“But Edward……” Alice started, but I could see that she was
beginning to understand me. And so I cut her off.
“Alice, you know that’s what she needs. You all do.”
They thought about that and agreed, silently.
“So what’s the plan? You can’t just leave her without a word
Edward, you know that.” Carlisle asked.
“Well, you all should leave tonight. Head up to Denali with Tanya’s
coven until we figure out where to go next. I’ll stay behind and
say goodbye to Bella and meet you up there in a few days.”
Carlisle was the last one to speak. Everyone else were sorting out
their feelings, but otherwise going along with the plan. They knew
they owed me too. “Edward, please make……”
“Carlisle, I love her. More than anything. Everyone knows that.
She is the single most important thing to me. But if anything
happened to her because she is with me, I would never be able to
live with myself. I know that it’s going to be really hard to be
without her. I’m not denying that. It’s going to hurt much worse
that dying a thousand deaths. But I will do what it takes to make
her safe. And this will make her safe.” And in that, he didn’t
question me further.
As I was leaving, I blocked out their thoughts. I couldn’t deal with
their pain right now. I had all the time in the world to deal with
that. What I didn’t have all the time in the world for was being
with Bella. That is what my mind is going to be focused on for the
next couple of days.
As I ran back to her house, I thought about what I was going to
have to endure for the next couple of days. The pain I was going
to suffer to make sure that she was happy and safe.
I climbed back into her window and laid down next to her. I felt
better already. Relieved. It was like my body felt her absence and
her presence put me at ease.
As soon as I got back into my position, next to her, she turned
over and snuggled up close to me. Like, even in unconsciousness,
she knew that I wasn’t there. I begin to think about right and
wrong again. My mind was made up already but that didn’t stop
me from trying to come up with more ‘rights’ to overshadow the
‘wrongs’. But I couldn’t, so I gave up. In my defeat, I told myself
that instead of wallowing in my decision to leave this loving
creature, I would just enjoy these moments. These next couple of
days I am going to have to be very distant towards her. But I
would still enjoy every minute, because she would be there. I
would avoid too much touching because every touch of her warm
body to mine would only prolong my leaving. I would avoid kisses
because every kiss would only convince me that leaving was the
wrong thing to do. No smiling, because every smile that we share
would only make it that much harder to face being without it. I
had a role to play. This thought brought me back to when we first
met and I tried to stay away from her and show her that I was a
monster. Just like back then, which seemed like another lifetime
ago, I had another role to play.
She woke that morning and looked very tired. Restless. She must
didn’t sleep very well. I shouldn’t have left and stayed as long as I
did, but it was necessary. She looked me over and I knew that she
was trying to determine my mood. To see if I was still upset from
last night. She looked at me with those beautiful chocolate brown
eyes and, for a second, I almost changed my mind about leaving.
These eyes….these beautiful eyes. If I had a heart, her eyes,
staring into mine, would send it hammering against my chest. But
not a second had passed before I remembered the role that I had
to play and why I was playing it. Her safety. This is for her. I
repeated this like a chant in my head. I had to keep a constant
reminder of why I was doing this. I knew it would be so easy to
change my mind and stay with her forever. But I couldn’t. So I just
kissed her forehead, not her lips, and ducked out her window.
Here we go. The pain and the suffering begin now…….