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Dr. Romance on Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

Dr. Romance on Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

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Published by Tina B. Tessina
Learning to apply it in my life has not been simple, but it has been amazingly educational and rewarding. This book is about drawing the circle with love.
Learning to apply it in my life has not been simple, but it has been amazingly educational and rewarding. This book is about drawing the circle with love.

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Published by: Tina B. Tessina on Jun 02, 2014
Copyright:Traditional Copyright: All rights reserved

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06/02/2014

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Dr. Romance on Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences
 
 
It was one of those magical encounters with a personal truth
you know how it feels. I was fifteen, in ninth-grade English. The teacher, Mr. Rizzutto, read us a poem, and it had such a profound effe
ct on me that even five decades later, I’m still using it as a guide. The poem, “Outwitted,” by Edwin Markham, is simple:
He drew a circle that shut me out; Heretic; rebel; a thing to flout. But Love and I had the wit to win: We drew a circle that took him in.
 
Learning to apply it in my life has not been simple, but it has been amazingly educational and rewarding. This book is about drawing the circle with love.
 
There was a time when life seemed very hard, so hard I tried not to think about it.. Several times I helped to destroy some very viable relationships. Changing myself, my life and my loves has been very exciting and fulfilling, yet I am still growing. This book is intended to help you reach your desired destination on your own  journey and make your hard places a little easier.
 
The most powerful technique I’ve learned is to be gentle with myself, and to appreciate every baby step I take. It’s from this appreciation and celebration of
myself that I draw the energy and enthusiasm I need. From it comes my motivation to grow and to achieve more. From it also comes the trust that allows me more and more to live life as I find it, without needing to make it fit my plan.
 
Love Styles was written to help you to be gentle with yourself and others and to help you celebrate. The information and exercises are intended to help you
 
 
understand what works for you and your partner, and to help you create something wonderful together.
 
Throughout the process of becoming more conscious and aware of myself, which began for me in about 1970, the important changes did not happen in great blinding flashes or dramatic moments in important workshops. Rather, they came in small, significant insights gained as I sat alone and pondered the ideas of my teachers in relationship to the facts of my life. Such a moment happened early in my marriage, as I was attempting to sort out a difficulty between my husband Richard and myself.
 
We were having trouble entertaining. It was awkward, irritating and difficult. It never went smoothly. I had recently been in two long-lasting roommate situations, two years with Annie and two years with Ron, just before getting married. In both situations, entertaining had been fun and easy, right from the start. Why was it so difficult now? Why was a sexual relationship so much more difficult than my roommate situations?
 
Ron and Annie and I had entertained with such style. Aha! Style! That was it! I
didn’t know what Richard’s and my style was! And sex did play a part: because of
the intimacy of our r
elationship, I hadn’t asked or observed or discovered Richard’s
style the way I had with my roommates. Instead, I had assumed I knew him.
 
I clarified my discovery a bit and shared it with Richard. And like magic, merely because we were aware of the need to know, we discovered our respective styles. We asked each other questions, we talked, we demonstrated, we fantasized. We
had fun. And we learned about each other’s favorite ways of entertaining. From
there it was a small, simple step to developing or synthesizing our own unique
combined style. Since then, it’s been smooth and easy. We know the glass cabinet
containing the crystal is softly lit; the lights are turned low; incense burns in discreet, strategic places; flowers are everywhere; the oil lamps are lit; wine is chilled: snacks are placed out in beautiful crystal dishes; and voilà! Instant atmosphere! Instant party!
 
 
 
We are now capable of setting this up in fifteen minutes, in a pinch. We rarely falter, trip over each other or get irritated. Richard has his favorite responsibilities and I have mine
yet we can each cover for the other when necessary. And we can do it all without much discussion.
 
An added bonus is, if I want Richard to feel romantic and “special occasion” without a big announcement, I can just do a part of the “party” routine, and he’s inclined to be in a party mood. It’s very handy, direct, easy and effective way to let him know
I
think he’s special. Either of us can use the signals.
 
Since then, we’ve been conscious about style. We have developed a hot
-tub style, a summer barbecue style, a traveling style, an evening-out style, a work style, and a hanging-out style. Actually, thes
e styles are largely what we’d have done anyway. It’s the understanding and awareness of the style that makes the difference.
 
Clarity about style also makes it easy to change and communicate new ideas to
each other. It’s also easy to manage help when we h
ave it, because we both know what needs to be done. Developing new styles becomes a challenge and a delightful pastime.
 
After seeing the impact style-consciousness made on my home life, I began to consider its implications in more profound ways. I began discussing it with friends and clients and suggesting uses of style for clients in their problem- solving processes. Everyone found it a simple and effective idea.
 
After getting similar positive responses in lectures and workshops, this book was conceived, in three parts: (1) a philosophical discussion of the importance of style in matters of love; (2) a series of exercises designed to help you discover your own
and others’ styles; and (3) a brief discussion of how individual styles can mesh with
the larger social environment.
 
I hope this easy- to- grasp idea of styles is as profound and effective in your life as it has been in mine.
 

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