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A FATHER’S FOCUS Based on Eph. 6:1-4By Pastor Glenn Pease
 
Being a father is one of the greatest causes for suffering in the world. Someonesaid, “Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be rough.”D. L. Moody, the great evangelist, experiences his greatest suffering as a father.When his son Will neared 18 he rebelled against the Christian faith, and he wrote tohis father and told him so. Moody wrote back, “Of course I am sorry you were evertempted to smoke. I was in hopes it would never be a temptation to you, but thething that hurts me worse is that you have desire to know Christ. Sometimes myheart is so heavy and sad to think that you such contempt for one that has done somuch for your mother and father, all that we are or have has come from Him, andyou have been saved from an early grave I think in answer to prayer, and now whenyou have strength and health given you and are now in a position to do good youturn against the truest and best friend you will ever have. For the life of me Icannot see why you should have taken such a dislike to Christ.”Later in the letter he wrote, “The thing that shames me is that I am preachingto others, and my son does not believe in the Gospel I preach.” It was a long hardbattle, but eventually Will came back to the faith, and Moody had great joy tobalance out his deep grief. It is hard to be a father because you rule over a kingdom just like God does. It is a kingdom where the subjects do not always do your will.Adam did not want his son Cain to kill his son Abel, but he did it. From then onalmost every father in the Bible had children who did not do what they wanted themto do. Priests like Levi had sons who were immoral. Kings like David and Solomonhad sons who were rebels in the kingdom. Lot had daughters who got him drunkand forced him into incest. Even the New Testament father, who is a picture of God, the father of the Prodigal had two of the rottenest kids on record. Neither of them is anything to be proud of, but he loved them both.
 
Because it is so hard to control free willed creatures like children there is theconstant temptation of fathers to lean toward tyranny. Mothers do not have thistemptation like fathers. Paul warns fathers not to irritate and provoke theirchildren. He never warns mothers about this, and so from Paul’s perspective wecan say that dad is the most irritating member of the family. The Greek word herein Eph. 6 is parorgizo. It means to irritate beyond measure. Some translations havedo not vex, do not fret, do not harass, or do not rouse to resentment. Becausefathers are the disciplinarians they run the highest risk of being too severe andstrict. This was apparently a problem in the early church where Christian fatherscame out of pagan living. They were trying to keep their children from theungodliness all around them. Paul’s advice fits our day and culture, and we want tofocus on the two points that Paul stresses to fathers.First of all we will focus on the negative.I.A FATHER’S DANGER.
 
It is dangerous to be a father for the same reason it is dangerous to hold anyposition of power. Power can be abused. The father is the authority figure inthe home, and just as politicians can abuse their power and exasperate citizens,so fathers can abuse their power and exasperate children. Power abuse is one of the most common causes of suffering because almost everybody has power oversomebody else, and so almost everybody has an opportunity to abuse it. Humannature tends toward dictatorship, and fathers have an above averageopportunity to play this role over the kingdom, which they rule. They may feelthat theirs is a benevolent dictatorship, but in a culture where democracy ishighly esteemed, even children expect to be listened to and have some input intotheir government.
 
When our government leaders try to pretend that they are all wise and allknowing, and they should have the right to make all of our decisions, we getprovoked, and rightly so. Paul’s point here is that fathers make the same mistakeswith their children when they assume a position of all-knowing infallibility. Afather who refuses to admit that he too is a child under God, and that he too islearning, growing, and striving to overcome his weaknesses, will become a fatherwho never admits to his own mistakes. This easily leads to a tyrant of a father whofeels he has to rule by force, and never have to admit he could be wrong. He isteaching his children that might is right. He is to be obeyed because he is strongerand not because he is wiser. My father use to joke and say, “I may not always beright, but I am never wrong.” Many fathers believe this in all seriousness.Mark Twain in his typically humorous fashion describes how his father wouldobstinately insist on his own infallibility and refuse to ever admit he made a mistake.He wrote, “I vividly remember how my father who was one of the most rigid andsuccessful of disciplinarians-quelled the aspiring egotism that prompted me tocorrect his careless remark (when he was reckoning a problem…) that 5 times 12was 62 and a half. “So,” said he, climbing over his spectacles and surveying megrimly, “ye think ye know more’n yer father, hey?Come ‘ere to me!” His invitation was too pressing to be declined, and for a fewexcruciating moments I reposed in bitter humiliation across his left knee, with myneck in the embrace of his left arm.I didn’t see him demonstrate his mathematical accuracy, with the palm of hisright hand on the largest patch of my trousers, but I felt that the old man was right;and when, after completely eradicating my faith in the multiplication-table, heasked me how much 5 times 12 was, I insisted, with tears in my eyes, that it was 62and a half. “That’s right!” said he; “I’ll larn ye to respect yer father, if I have tothrash ye 12 times a day.”The good old days were not all bad, but they didn’t do much to enhance theimage of dad. The modern approach is to be more intimate, and by this I meanmore real, honest, and fallible with your children. Gordon MacDonald in his ActionGuide For The Effective Father says that one of the keys to good fathering is toreveal to teenagers one’s weaknesses. Smaller children need the security of a strong
 
father, but older children need a father who is not afraid to acknowledge hisweaknesses. This makes him more realistic and easier to know. Intimacy is basedon sharing weaknesses as well as strengths. MacDonald says to let your childrenknow that you don’t know it all, and that you can even learn from them. That ispositive weakness. Let them know that you respect their right to privacy, and thatyou will not burst into their room without first knocking. You will also not to try tosqueeze out of them what they do not desire to reveal.Charlie Shedd got a letter when he wrote a column for a teen magazine thatillustrates a father’s positive weakness. A doctor and his family had a very strictfamily rule. The last one going to bed was to lock the garage door. There weremany thefts in the community, and they had a lot of power tools in the garage. Onemorning the doctor got up and went to get the paper, and he found the garage doorwide open. The family was quickly assembled and the lecture was about to beginwhen his daughter Beth stopped him in his tracks with a lecture of her own. Shesaid, “Daddy, you left the garage door open yourself. I know it had to be youbecause I stayed up late studying and I locked it before I went to bed. You were nothome yet, and so it had to be you. Some of us around here are tired of being blamedfor things we didn’t do!”Dad could see that the evidence for his guilt was quite substantial, but he stillhad the power to cut her off. He didn’t do it, however, but instead he apologized forassuming that everything that went wrong was the fault of the children. He did notbecome less in their eyes by the positive weakness of saying, “I am sorry.” It is agreat fallacy of life to think that children will not respect a father if they know hisweaknesses. The opposite is the case. They respect him more when he admits themand does not foolish and cruel things to hide them.
 
Dr. James Dobson spoke very highly of his father when he gave the eulogy athis funeral, but he concluded with these words: “It would be unfortunate toeulogize him in a way that would embarrass him if he were sitting among us. Myfather had a generous assortment of flaws, even as you and I. But I loved him.Perhaps as much as any man ever loved a dad.” He loved him no less for knowingof his flaws.
 
It is folly for a father to follow that fallacious feeling that he must never befallible. Be honest with your children about your flaws. They will love and respectyou all the more. What is irritating and exasperating is a father who pretends thathe knows it all, and that he can make no mistakes, and so has every right to be adictator over the lives of his children. It is not easy to avoid this becauseexasperation is a two way street. When children do not obey, fathers are put to thetest.I was deeply impressed in reading James Carroll’s book The Winter Name Of God. His father worked for the FBI. One of his sons refused to go to the war inViet Nam, and he applied for conscientious objector status. The board turned himdown, he appealed, and he was again rejected. He had one last chance. Dennis and
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