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And now for somethingon the light side…Why Parents Drink:
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees hadnot phoned in sick one day.Having an urgent problem withone of the main computers, hedialed the employee’s home phone number and was greetedwith a child’s whisper. “Hello”“Is your daddy home?” he asked“Yes”, whispered the smallvoice“May I speak with him?”The child whispered, “No”Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,“Is your Mommy there?”“Yes”“May I speak with her?”Again the small voicewhispered, “No”
Divorce Recovery Newsletter / Vol 20
June 2, 2009
If It Hurts…
A man walks into his doctor’s ofce and tells the
Doc, “Every time I move my arm this way it hurts.“The Doctor replies,” Don’tmove your arm that way.” Assimple as the doctor’s advicemay sound, it works.How often have I heard thefollowing comments:Every time my ex calls, I end up upset.
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Every time I am around my ex, I end up hurt.
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I still sleep with my ex but afterwards I get so sad.
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I want to be friends with my ex but then I cannot seem to be able to let
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go and move on.Using the doctor’s wisdom, it is easy to see the cure to all these upsets:stop taking his/her calls
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stop seeing him/her 
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stop sleeping with your ex
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and right now you cannot be friends.
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Letting go and moving on means cutting the emotional tie between youand your ex. In order to do that, you need physical distance as well as solid boundaries to keep you safe from upset.If you notice that you get upset whenever you have an exchange with your ex, stop talking to them directly. If you must have conversations (especiallyif you have kids together or are still working out details of the divorce) thenestablish ground rules around those conversations.
 
2Hoping there was someonewith whom he could leave amessage, the boss asked, “Isanyone else there?”“Yes”, whispered the child, “a policeman”“May I speak with the policeman?”“No, he’s busy,” whispered thechild“Busy doing what?”“Talking to Daddy and Mommyand the Fireman” came thewhispered voice.Growing more worried ashe heard a loud noise in the background through theearpiece on the phone, the bossasked, “What is that noise?”“A helicopter”, answered thewhispering voice.“What is going on there?”demanded the boss, now trulyapprehensive.Again, whispering, the childanswered, “The search team justlanded a helicopter.”Alarmed, concerned and a littlefrustrated the boss asked, “Whatare they searching for?”Still whispering, the youngvoice replied with a giggle,“ME”For example, if your ex has a habit of being verbally abusive towardsyou whenever you speak, simply lay down the ground rule that whenthat happens, you will excuse yourself from the call. It’s like Pavlovianconditioning: sooner or later he will get that when he is mean and nasty toyou, you will not engage with him.How can you let go of the past if the past is all around you? DivorceRecovery is all about you. It is about you accepting a new reality. To accepta new reality, that of being divorced, you cannot have emotional ties to whatwas.I am not suggesting that somewhere in the future you cannot have some sortof relationship with your ex (or not). Just not now, at this critical time whenyour emotions are so raw and you are so susceptible to upset. Remember if it hurts, don’t do it. Apply that rule to your life in general.If your Mother does not seem to understand what your going through and
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you get upset every time she starts in, guess what?
If you nd that by staying in bed and ruminating you fall deeper into•
depression, guess what?If you drink four cups of coffee in the morning and come unhinged,
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guess what?Conversely, notice what makes youfeel better.If you see that by walking
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everyday your mood improves,guess what?If you see that establishing
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 boundaries in your life works,guess what? Notice what makes you feel bad and attempt to remove those things fromyour life as best you can. Notice what makes you feel good and incorporatethose things into your life as much as possible.
What the Therapists Say about Boundaries:
Ann D. White, M.A., CRC, BCCC has this to say about establishing boundaries:To begin, it is helpful if you understand what boundaries are. Boundariesare the “line in the sand” that you will not allow anyone to cross, withoutconsequences.
 
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Where are You in theDivorce RecoveryJourney?
Check out my Divorce Life quizand see where you are in the jour-ney to recovery from your divorceand get instant feedback fromShelley.Go to: http://www.change-coachshelley.com/life_coaching_ resources/take_quiz.php
Consider Giving the Gift of Peace of Mindfor a Loved One.Give the Gift of Coaching.Go to:
http://www.changecoachshelley.com/why_  be_coached/special-offers.html
Quote of the Month
“What we say no to denes who we
are.”
Anonymous
Boundaries form borders that dene you, your values, expectations, what
you will and will not allow in your relationships and let others know whenthey have gone too far.
Boundaries are both internal and external.
Internal boundaries (self-discipline and self-control) come from
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within a person.External boundaries are limits set by outside forces, with the
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intent of confronting misbehavior, providing a safety net, makingexpectations and consequences clear.
External boundaries come from authority gures and other •
important people in our life. Both internal and external boundariesrequire that people take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, andspeech.
Boundaries dene the relationship, give structure, and provide a clear sense
of responsibility for actions and speech. Boundaries give people a sense of  being a separate individual. This separateness helps you maintain distance between you and the other person’s anger, demands and behavior, and
respond appropriately without being trapped in conict.
Stay calm; maintain perspective, be honest and confront the person whocrosses the line. Do not ignore the problem. Refuse to say that everythingis ok, when it is not. People often try to control others through bullying,manipulation, fear, yelling, anger, making demands, name calling, slander,gossip, criticism, using implicit or explicit threats of harm or other consequences against you, in an attempt to control you and force you to dowhat they want.Boundaries set limits and establish consequences for people when they tryto control you. When you establish boundaries, you let others know the wayyou would and would not like to be treated-what you will allow and will notallow.For boundaries to be effective, you need to communicate and be clear aboutyour expectations. Make certain that everyone understands what is expectedof each person. Be clear, concise, appropriate, and consistent. Show caretoward others when you establish boundaries.Respect the other person, as you would like to be respected in therelationship. Make sure you and the other person understand and agree upon boundaries; this is what counselors call “goal alignment.”Then, be patient, as the boundaries are tested.
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