Professional Documents
Culture Documents
13
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The Judas of Journalism
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April, 15th 1996
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April 15, 1996 page 3
Editorial pl~esl~· 4 -~Fh~B9L~'I ~i~-·e~--~l ~wr -- a - - - ----..------ ~--~Pao~- ~-
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Constant Change
There was a nasty rumor circulating it create a new kind of safety or security haz-
amongst the student body last week. ard. The resident lots are not an especially
Supposedly, President Kenny is following coveted lot. Plus, regardless of anyone's
through with her major changes for the com- position in the university hierarchy, every-
muters attending the University. First, there body has different schedules. Whatever
was supposed to be free and more frequent problems that had already existed within the
bus service. Second, car registrations would campus' security system are not going to be
only cost $5 every five years. This includes all compounded or exacerbated by this proposal.
students that need to park at the University The real issue here is not the problem that
parking lots. Last, there would be hundreds would arise when the resident lots would
of new computer workstations and remote open but the issue here is the fact that there
access ports to the campus network. This is no room. The proposal is not a change or a
would probably sound like a godsend mes- resolution to the problem. Meaning, is the
sage worthy of adulation to the almighty bill going to be posted after the tuition?
administration. The wizened wise ones in the Where is the catch? What, or better yet, who
the world of wonders have finally remem- is going to pay for this .proposal?
bered to dust the old gray matter and give it Karen Gleisberg, president of the
a run. Could this be the beginning of change? Commuter Student Association, decided to
The above proposals is just the beginning vote the idea down because they did not want
of many changes that students would like to this to be a commuters vs. residents issue
seearound campus. The idea of any kind of but thinks that the rest of the proposal is a
open parking within eight minutes of walking great idea. The free bus service has been a
distance is very, very appealing to say the thorn in the commuters side for years and
least. In addition, bus services should have now the end of the Big Insult to commuters is
been free a long time ago. pending. Real changes happen when admin-
A few days after the proposals were istration will open the special events parking
announced, the members of the resident stu- lot. Supposedly this is under discussion and
dents expressed concern about the open should come to fruition within our lifetime.
parking policy and how it would affect their Real changes will happen if the whole cam-
safety because they would be losing their pus is open parking. The progress of change
spots and they would lose certain privileges may have to start at the resident lots anc
like the 7-11 runs at midnight. That's all nice making it open. It could be a step towards a
and sweet but that is not the issue. The jus- solution to many parking problems. I admil
tification of the residents paying more to go this could be bitter pill to swallow bul
to school and therefore should have parking changes have to be made and Stony Brook is
privileges is a moot point, even irrelevant due for one.
because everyone that parks in the To be true, the eradication of parking stick-
University lots pay the same amount of er fees and yearly fees for parking and free
money in order to park on those lots whether bus service is a good thing, opening up resi-
it be the South p or Roosevelt quad. Students dent parking lots is a half baked idea waiting
are billed that price regardless of the housing to explode, but we are still in the same place
status. By making the resident lots open does if you really take a good look. Changing the
not take away any resident's habits or luxu- labels do not change the content. There
ries of going out to 7-11 or out to the local should be real changes made from the inside
bars late in the evening. Classes end at 9:30 out . It could be painful maybe even hard bul
at night on Thursdays and 6:00 on Friday's. we should all remember the adage; the only
It will not create 'parking wars' between fac- constant thing in life is change.
ulty, staff, residents and commuters, nor will
Mes amis: response to government plans to "cut politicaljabberdrivel into the comput
Ah, spring, and, right on schedule we spending" by cutting services and fir- er becauseyou insist upon using afonj
have the Press' annual festival of ing people. Meanwhile, here in the US, more appropriate for a bistro ment
French-bashing. I can't figure this out. Gingrich, Pataki and the rest of the than a periodicalletter From now on
Were your mothers frightened by slime, as John Giuffo's last article so type your letters in a font resembling
Maurice Chevalier or something? vividly put it, rape us bloody while we something that originated from c
We've been down this Champs Elysees sit around with our fingers up our romance language, instead of hiero
before, but I thought I'd toss in my noses wondering what to do. We have glyphics that distantly resemble
deux centimes anyway: no right to criticize the French, because English - we can't scan those in, anc
First, anyone who hates Eurodisney as rugged and tough as Americans I'm stuck typing them. Mange mot
can't be all bad. I was certainly proud think they are, we all know they're mierde.
to see them lobbing tomatoes at sheep (as has also handily been pro- . -- - ·7- .......
_ _ _
Mickey Mouse on the evening news. claimed in the pages of the Press) when
Disney descended on suburban Paris it comes to their government, or at least SHOTGUN WEDDING 1 -t,..+ t
, ve aoubtless
IYou oI s nIt
___uL___ _
neara aoout tme
with fake smile classes, fascistic dress they have been for the past 20 years. Britain's already stringent gun laws.
codes (something that 'independent' Third, if you've never had a woman massacre of a gradeschool class by a British police, and their counterparts in
Americans readily put up with that with unshaven armpits, don't knock it. gun devotee in Scotland. I got hold of a Ireland, do not carry guns and must
Europeans don't) and worst of all, a Vive la revolution, British newspaper which gave the inci- undergo rigorous psychological tests to
ban on alcohol. Sacre vache, can't you Efraim "and I'm not even French" dent in-depth coverage. They bemoan be among the few permitted to do so.
guys relate to that? Csuwoj the fact that it was the second such Recently, cops in the United Kingdom
Second, and more important, the atrocity in the UK in ten years!!! They voted against arming all officers. And
majority of the French people support- Music Editor's Response: Hello, should look over our way, where it British criminologists have shown that
ed a massive public employees' strike Efraim. I've been commissioned time seems to happen every couple weeks. even armed robbers there are leery of
that brought the country to a halt in and time again to copy your pseudo- Despite the efforts of a gun lobby,
PleasY~I9
,submit
your
let-
r
be held responsible for what nomic status at the expense of other
in the colloquial sense. n't been touched. Busses are running slower happens in a stand-off with
this innocent citizens.
And yet, God forbid that there should be than usual (if that's possible). However park- group. While they have been trying
a law like a 5-day waiting period to pur- ing is simple, just drive far enough into the to avoid unnecessary violence at all ~
chase an assault weapon. That would just
limit the divinely-inspired right of every
numskull too keep a loaded piece in his
sock drawer where his kids can find it.
Yeah, that really contributes to a safer
lot so that your car gets stuck, no one knows costs, Justus Township and its lead-
where the spaces are anyway. ers seem to relish the idea of it. In
Students are advised to wear hip boots fact one could go so far as to say
because the puddles from the melting that the leaders are planning a con-
snow are feet deep in some places. Sharks frontation for their own purposes.
t a *p*
ByN!~i:
*__
environment. In some states it's legal to have been sighted in the larger puddles An armed confrontation would dis-
pack concealed heat, just for the old ele- and 3 students have been reported missing. tract the general public from the
ment of surprise. No surprise that these Please keep calling this number for the real issue; that this group of people Room Stu--et
06 U-io
states also have high murder and armed most inaccurate, outdated information are nothing better than common
robbery rates and that ultimate safeguard possible. This information brought to crooks who are blaming the govern-
of domestic tranquility, the death penalty. you by SUNY SB working harder to ment for the failures in their lives.
Violence begets violence. When will screw students better. These people teach seminars on
people learn that off they want to be safe Jayhell@panix.com ---- I-
- L -- · ·-- --
chapters will be putting on a "Guerrilla of the future, alone in their departments, having c.i i;r.,hui . |llcai .\d-. __Calo_
Theater", in which a mock SUNY will be acted to deal with fewer benefits and larger classes. S(Coiiili, l-<lltolC<.»tiI C1(,1h
(;iC______ S_____l___ jip__
out in front of the Mineola Supreme Court. The Anyone wishing to take part in this event For afree catalog call Metropolitan College of St.John' University
event's purpose is to illustrate to the media, should contact NYPIRG as soon as possible, at (718) 990-1381 or complete this coupon andfax to (718) 990-5846
community, and most importantly, politicians at 2-6457. Transportation WILL be provided or mail to: Metropolitan College of St. John'v University, 8000
what the future SUNY will be like should the to and from Stony Brook. Vans are scheduled Utopia Pkwy., Jamaica, NY 11439. 1, havr more than i ,0OO
0W e.%
hbart i Io IS undeigri wuatlfe
r/d/l. 12 ar
giduatne ('redils. All c1U1WIS
Governor's budget be passed. For those of you to leave USB around 10:30 in the morning,
who don't already know, Governor Pataki's
(exf'.l/ welilnd) are awilh, abolh
al Ounw
en and SJ
and we should be back on campus by 2 in the Staten lanl (pInI.
a\/n
"iM ,or f.I,it mItoIwse.
Dlay anld vwning rl. se ST
proposed State Budget will be affecting SUNY afternoon. All members of Stony Brook are Registration begins I NIVER'IfY
April 29, 1996. l
in three major ways: invited to take part in the event. We NEED to
1) A 71.8 MILLION DOLLAR cut will be show the legislators and our community S-__ 1996 St.flhns Summer Session I
made to the SUNY operating budget. what the proposed budget will do to SUNY, I ?
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2) A 100 MILLION DOLLAR cut will be how it will decimate our ranks and con- I 'Ins@, u 2't
)IAlItSIr
-Al 2 (12,-MI l< .rI.hu
l
ltlv
made to TAP, the Tuition Assistance Program, tribute to the downfall of higher education in I nM-SIi
,,ti ..MuII Ll'. ^ <nil hlwlrr
& l;Uc~t~t)
a source of financial aid for many SUNY stu- the State of New York. This is YOUR school,
dents, plus changes in eligibility require- and therefore it is YOUR responsibility to
ments: Will you get TAP next year?
3) A 250 dollar tuition hike, which rides sub-
ensure that its future is kept bright, by fend-
ing off the darkness of Pataki's budget. Come
L Z" - f f"" -
g- - -
-lh
tlety on the back of last year's 750 dollar hike. act out in Mineola on April 25th with 4 1/4 x 7" /11lt
SIony1/1k levs
This translates to an outrageous ONE THOU- NYPIRG. Show the community what Pataki 418/<%
SAND dollar increase in tuition in just one year! wants SUNY to become.
F GHT Tf pO. R
By Keith C. Doell not going to the Teach-Out, he is part of the nating each day and how many hours more on the
problem if he does not inform them later what weekend? All that they asked is one of those hours
There is something that needs to be said, has to they can do, and he is part of the problem if he or any hour for that matter. If the only contribution
be said, and will be said. Last Thursday I went to does not participate in a student organization you made all semester to NYPIRG or any other
the Teach-Out, supposedly "Stony Brook's day of that fights for students rights, student university organizations was to come to
action". I stood amongst the few and listened to Big government has sold us as being a mindless the rallies would you think it would make a differ-
the brave speakers talk about the proposed SUNY generation that lacks passion for what goes on ence. Think about what a statement it would have
funding cuts and tuition increase, and it dawned outside our MTV worlds. They have studied us made to the government if channel 12 had filmed
upon me afterwards that there was something and have written us off as a generation of stu- several thousand students at the Teach Out rally.
missing. Something about those individual dents who only care about getting A's and mak- What do you think the government thought when
speeches that left me at unease. Something about ing our first million. This school recently has they watched the news and saw empty spaces in
them that made me realize that there was a big prided itself for being among the top 25 ranked in the crowd? What message was really sent to the
idea that was left out. What was it? It is simply the physics, mathematics, and geology but what are government? We are the victims of our own labor.
one word that our generation still has not learned the consequences of this. The consequence is that I can hot emphasize more the importance to unite.
the meaning of and that is COMMUNITY. the sciences do not teach their student to stand We are strong only in numbers. Collectively, we
I stood there and saw a hand full of people, that together, in retrospect it teaches them to be sepa- can make more of an impact with less effort, but
at its best was five hundred, and heard one student rate. It does not provide room to allow students to uncollectively we make less of an impact with
lecturer praise-this outcome. For myself, the num- learn the benefits of being a community outside more effort. We must fight for the things that are
bers were pathetic. There are 24,000 students on the sciences. What good is a university that has a worth fighting for. Education is where our future
this campus and only 2% of them found the time to good science department if it does not have a lies and-it is definitely worth fighting for.
come and listen about what was going to directly sense of overall community. What good will a My fellow colleagues, let's wake up out of our
affect them. Let's face the facts as a community, we new miracle cure, archeological find, or any other fantasy worlds. I apologize for being crude, but
are lost because we do not unite when we need to. scientific discovery by that matter be if there is no the fact is that the majority of us will join the
Do students actually think that the government future there to benefit from it. masses. It is the masses that suffer. It is historic
proposed a SUNY de-funding and tuition increase The Teach-Out was not an issue for one just the and unless we do something now all of the
all by themselves? No, my fellow colleagues, we arts or and other specific group in general. It was money we will make in the future will not go
too play a part in this insanity. Our society has and is an issue for each and everyone of the 24,000 towards exotic trips to the Caribbean islands or
taught us unfortunately to point fingers always at community members on this campus. NYPIRG is into fancy sports cars but rather into our future
the bad guy and say; "hang him!" but we never an organization on this campus that is run and children's tuition expenses and high taxes. Let's
look at ourselves as the culprits, staffed by students. It is an organization that is not wait until it is to late. Until we find our-
A student might say how can I be part of the dedicated to fighting for student's rights, and selves waiting for another lost generation to
problem? I say he is part of the problem if he is makes a legitimate effort to bring a sense of com- save us. Lets unite now! ! !
not registered to vote, he is part of the problem if munity back to campus. To participate in NYPIRG *Come to NYPIRG general meetings on
he does not vote, he is part of the problem if he most of the time only requires one hour of your life Wednesdays 1:30 PM, room # 079 at the Student
does not go home and give his friends hell for a week. How many hours are students procrasti- Union.
I I II_ -C~- - - ·
IIMA A
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By El Paisa The defense budget has faced serious cut backs they did in the fifties if a tint of red were detected
as a result of the "new world order". on those impoverished Latin nations. The US has
There are several well known and amply trod Criminalization provides jobs in this country, thou- successfully played the commie card for over fifty
upon reasons for the criminalization of drugs. sands of jobs, just like the defense industry once years in order to manipulate economic trade, stabi-
Some of them flounder on thin premises of history, did. Everyone in the DEA, most of the CIA and lize and create their economy, and control the polit-
morality, and public safety. There are at least as thousands of correctional and law enforcement ical climate in Central and South America, today
many reasons for the legalization of they use drugs.
controlled substances most of which In short this nutritious new staple on the
hold their basis on common sense. American plate satisfies; necessary lever-
Otherwise intelligent and well age over neighbors, provides jobs in every-
rounded individuals seem to lose thing from law enforcement to chemical
their world perspective and enter companies (because Colombian laborato-
the myopic world of nail jewelry ries don't make their own chemicals but
and tanning salons when discussing like the rest of the world buy American),
legalization. The words conspiracy creates massive amounts of capital which is
and genocide seldom enter into the laundered through American banks, and
argument. This country has many provides a platform on which even the
economic and political incentives to scummiest of politicians can safely stand.
continue the criminalization of Are there side effects you ask? Yes, but
drugs. Their concern for the safety of judging by the economic attention paid to
America's youth and belief in family them by the government we can assume
values do not enter into the equa- them to be minimal. Thousands of people
tion. Drugs are money and money is who can't afford clean needles are infected
power, this sounds quite benign with AIDS every day,-a generation of black
when you imagine inner city corner and Hispanic males are either dead or
hustlers and foreign kingpins, but incarcerated, an uncountable amount of
seldom is this applied to the larger Latin American workers and their families
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picture. i ne arug war nas been slnu nave oeen oevastatea as tneir national
smoothly onto the plates of Americans as a substi- officers are employed because drugs are illegal in economies bend in the face of the US controlled
tute for the cold war. America needs an image off the US. But what else can this wonderful drug do IMF and World Bank, and lastly a biting aftertaste
which to exist, without a formidable one or seem- you may ask, the imposition of drug policies to the of Hypocrisy may be felt after consumption but as
ingly formidable adversary the country is forced to satisfaction of American officials is one if not the we all know a good 'ol American beer will wash
look inwards. Four years of relative peace have biggest piece of leverage used on the rest of the that right down.
shown us the effects of this, race riots, midwest continent. The IMF and World Bank now deny
militias, etc., implosion is a very real concept kids. loans and threaten countries with the same ease
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Volume II, Number 1 A Press Parody Paper First Copy Totally Worthless
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AP Newswire
Edited by Oliver Clouzov tem, welfare, and the state correction- Unabomber Theodore J. Kaczynski the selection. Jesus was unavailable
al system. The money defunded from made his first public appearance, but for comment.
Los Angeles, CA - Local officials these areas will be reinvested in iron- it was to offer support for roommate
report that Orenthal James Simpson clad muzzles for Senator Alphonse Elvis Presley. "Elvis is good room- Washington, DC - Republican candi-
indeed failed his lie-detector test D'Amato and Andrew Giuliani, son mate. He no leave water jug empty. date Sen. Robert Dole and President
which was taken previously to his of Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. He pull toothpaste from bottom. I like. Bill Clinton (Dem.) recently compet-
much-publicized court case which ran Plus, hip-swivel get girls." Kaczynski ed in a pie-eating contest in order to
throughout most of 1995. When Memphis, TN - An amazed crowd of then began to bite his toenails while see who was the best pie-eater.
reached for a comment, Simpson sim- 1500 looked on as Elvis Presley made figuring out the meaning of life. Clinton won by digesting five cherry
ply said nothing and ran away his return to the national spotlight. Authorities made an announcement pies in 62 seconds, while Dole fin-
through a bushy path. LAPD head of Rumors of his death have run ram- that Kaczynski's imprisonment will ished the race in 78 seconds.
police Willie Williams stated, "This pant for the past twenty years, and take a two-day leave-of-absence when Afterwards, Dole was indolent. "The
only goes to prove that O.J. is guilty, Presley held an impromptu news con- he will appear as the featured speaker people know Bob Dole. Bob Dole is a
and that the judicial system need to be ference at Graceland to clear the air. at I-CON, a geek festival held at friend to the people. The people of the
reworked". When asked about why He stated, "I've been hidin', you see, SUNY-Stony Brook. United States of America know Bob
there were so many errors within the for twenty years, and I'm back, you Dole's credentials as a pie-eater. The
police investigation of Simpson, know, to life, cuz I'm mad, you see, Los Angeles, CA - In a recent drug people know that if they select Bob a)
Williams retorted, "How could you aaaan' I wan' revenge." Elvis stated arrest, the LAPD did not fuck up. Dole to be president, they will get a
expect us to be efficient when we are that he lived his last twenty years premier pie-eater. My record speaks
too busy trying to frame a guilty rooming secretly with the Unabomber Vatican City - Pope John Paul II for myself." President Clinton was
man? Give me a break". Simpson in Montana. "It was a good relation- held a press conference to announce ecstatic. "Gee, that was gosh-darn
lead attorney Johnnie Cochran was ship, you see, I taught him the hip that he will invoke his papal right to fun. Ya know, I've been training for
busy filming a spot on "Hollywood swivel and he taught me other change his name. Under Catholic this for four years, and I didn't let the
Squares" and could not be made things." Michael Jackson's mailbox rules, in order for a pope to change people down." Clinton was asked <
available for comment. Meanwhile, was unavailable for comment. his name, he must undergo a series why he slowed down in the middle of
Simpson's inspirational pursuit of his Jackson, meanwhile, was busy of interviews and tests by a special the race, and he replied, "I tried to
wife's killers has reached two viable recording a remake of the Elton John papal nomenclature board. He stated inhale it. I really did. But the pie
options. His research led him to con- classic, "Don't let your Sun go Down that John Paul II is such a common wouldn't go." Next week, the incum-
clude that his wife's killers were on Me", and told reporters that he had and boring name, and he wanted to bent and the candidate will compete
either Arnold Palmer or Jack no idea about the well-being of his become a papal trendsetter with a in a longest-penis contest. Six third
Nicklaus. His next stop on his man- ex-father-in-law. His ex-wife Lisa original name. Sources close to the grade girls and Mexican superstar gQ
hunt trail will be a mirror. Marie Presley was too busy messing pope have confirmed that the new Charo will judge
up her life some more and is too name would be either 2Pac, Big Joe,
Albany, NY - Governor George insignificant to be bothered for any Bjork, or Cubie. He is expected to Stony Brook, NY - A local fraternity
Pataki (R.) recently passed a series of comment, either now or ever. arrive at a decision by Mother's caused some common area damage,
bills legislating for a decrease in Day. Local vendors and oddsmakers and they are suspected in a fire alarm
funds for the state educational sys- Washington, DC - Suspected predict that Pope Cubie would be pulling. Public Safety is investigating.
4 Editorials
o re
Imill
L b ~ b~~~i~LLe
CONTRIBUTING STAFF .SENIOR STAFF
Th
The
tn
Stony
Bok
Brook
Statesrag, the newspaper
mnte o f iew
minute. A lot of times, we
can't even think of
Loser #1 Big Loser #1 for SUNY at Stony Brook garbage, so we'll just
© and its surrounding com- throw in a cartoon.
Loser #2 Big Loser #2
Loser #3 munity, is a nonprofit liter- *Views expressed in the
Loser #3 Big
0, STATE UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK AT S Loser #4 Big Loser #4 ary publication that is pro- Letters and Opinions section
Loser #5 Big Loser #5 duced twice weekly dur- are from Tom Masse 90% of
ASSOCIATE EDITOR I -...
ar ing the academic year and the time. What the hell is this
EDITOR IN CHIEF Loser fto
bi-weekly during the sum- guy's problem? Why won't
Tom Masse's Harem Get the hell out of our Loser #7
Loser #8 mer. Too damn often, if he leave us alone?
Girl office
you ask me. Statesrag *The Stony Brook
Association, Inc's offices Statesrag welcomes sug-
FEATURES EDITOR SPORTS EDITOR
are located in the lower gestions about newswor-
Puss-Weak Pansy Boy Apply Within BUSINESS STAFF level of the Student Union. thy events and issues on
ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER Don't mind all that noise or around campus and its
ACTING ASSOCIATE ASSISTANT FEATURES PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR coming from down the community. We won't
That old guy
NEWS EDITOR EDITOR Mya Rectum hall, that's just The Press. write about them, though.
Jailbait Flanagan's Stoolie ADVERTISING THEIF , ,First copy is worthless. All contents
ASSISTANT ASSOCIATE You can't bring us Each additional copy is use- Copyright 1996
ASSISTANT EDITORIAL ASSOCIATE FEATURES EDITORIAL PAGE down! ful only to wipe up spills. Statesrag Association, Inc.
EDITORS EDITOR PRO-TEMPORE *Editorials represent
PAGE EDITOR Like anyone would pla-
That whiny bitch Mister Bungle GRAPHIC ARTIST whatever garbage we
She wants you! could think of at the last giarize this crap.
Cheech Marin What a shit job this is.
-*-iarr~-T i --·-----· -.c--~YiillPPYllle~Pmsrrr
What We Are Going To Do 5
STATESRAG STAFF the land. parlors and, of course, many bars. Head Odds Maker, Boyd
With the new student activities cen- The casino project, tentatively With the casino being on an indian McCamish, formally of The Stony
ter less than a decade from comple- called GoldMine Woods, is scheduled reservation, the legal drinking age is Brook Press, was hired by the
tion it might have to face some seri- for completion on August 14th, just in 18, and there is no tax on cigerettes or Magganawanatt tribe only minutes
ous competition if it finally opens. A time for the opening of the Fall 1996- beer sold on the premises. after the groundbreaking ceremony.
casino. 97 Semester at Stony Brook. "I fucken love it," one joyous stu- McCamish will run 'The Board,'
New state documents just which will create betting
uncovered have found that lines for just about a
the land adjacent to the everything imaginable, a
South P Lot belongs to the including all profession-
Magganawanatt Indian al and semi-professional
sporting events. He also
Tribe. This piece of land
plans to impliment a
Y
was designated an Indian
Reservation back in the much smaller 'Campus
1800's, but the documents Board," which would 0
were just recentally found include things like the
buried in a chest just west Over-Under on the Bio
of the Montauk Lighthouse 151 tests and odds, on CDJ
on April 2nd. getting "the Pinch" from
Within 8 hours of eating cafeteria food. (1
Magganawanatt Tribe came forward machines, poker tables and crap new jobs with it, all of them to stu- es, but when they continued on page 7]
By Brooke Needsabone
Men Suck, Volume 44
When I told my friends I was going to investigate shirt!!! He said it had something to do with an
the Stony Brook Plastic Surgery Center, they examination of my breasts prior to determining the
assumed it was simply part of yet another rabid proper operation. Clearly this was just a man in a
feminist manifesto. But the real reason I visited position of power taking advantage of what he per-
medical, technologies latest attempt to debase cieved to be a helpless woman, too caught up in
women as physical objects was to investigate pos- America's standard of beauty to realize she was
sible surgery options to adjust the size and appear- being manipulated into giving this "Medical
ance of my mammary glands. You see, my breasts Proffesional" a free show. However, since this
are simply too large. They are out of porportion mockery of modern science would draw to a close medical thing I know in his depraved mind he
with the rest of me, except my mind of course. Men if I did not concede to Dr. Mengele's "advances" I meant "Can you grab my penis for me?'. It was
are constantly approaching me, and speaking to me, took off my Le Tigre top and removed my simply revolting, and I only did not say anything
the only reason for which is probably my physical- brassierre. (And just for your information Doctor, because I wanted to finish with this whole episode
ly attractive body. that was not a Wonderbra!)... go home, and play with my cats. Anyway as you
The Stony Brook Plastic Surgery Center is a nice- After this embarrassing examination the Doctor can plainly see this doctor was a sexist pig.
ly decorated - but I wouldn't know how well dec- had the gall to tell me that my breasts were not large It just goes to show that even the medical proffes-
orated it was because that is only a stereotype about enough to qualify for reductive surgery. (The exact sion has been infected by the plague of gender
women.- medical complex. I was offended how- medical report said "Potential loss of tissue would inequality. As women we must demandof our sexist
ever by the predominantly female oriented maga- place patient even further below the weight norm society that medical proffessionals intending to
zines scattered throughout the waiting room. for a woman of her age")- even in the report he treat women must be women themselves.
Family Circle, Longevity, Cosmopolitan ,- not refers to my sex, this is further evidence of the sex- As for my breasts, I've decided to keep them dis-
even an copy of The Advocate or Curve . In addi- ism that exists in America's Medical Proffession. proportionately large as a reminder to myself -
tion the waiting room receptionist was female- All throughout the examination a nurse was pre- and my lower back - of the male dominated soci-
clearly stereotyping led them to hire a female as sent, (a woman of course),it was disconcerting and ety in which we live, in which we are constsmntly
secretary. disturbing to see that the Doctor was making sexu- forced to submit to their wishes. Ecce homa.
My doctor (male of course) discussed the proce- al advances towards her also. He said offensive Author's note: I don't usually dedicate arctibles,
dure with me - and then asked me to take off my things to her like "Can you grab that for me?" and probably because no one reads them...yeah...
mli-n n-hsd
"No, we not plan to have prostitu- whores. It's just like what our frater-
tion," he said, wien asked if this nity did in the shadows of the univer-
meant the casino would allow female sity, now we can get away with it in
escorts to operate from on the public."
CA,
q•
PL4
raOs
grounds, "but might be unfortunate
side effect."
NYPD, which has jurisdiction over
the surrounding area, is not worried
about the problems a casino in the
Now ot looks like the school has
more problems to deal with next
year, with the parking uprising
planned for the first week of school
and the scalping of the school's bud-
-Ap 131 1996
T3 middle of a college campus might get for the 96-97 year, and now the
stir up. competition of the GoldMine Woods
"I'm not going to fuck with them," Casino & Massage Palour.
one cop was reported as saying, "not How is the school going to compete
after what they did to Custer. That with an institution tjhat gives stu-
< was evil man, EVIL!" dents exactly what they think the col-
What this means to commuters is lege experience should be: drinking,
obvious, but it will do to the campus' whores, gambling and not going to
planned Activies Center is still class.
unclear.
"Well, thank god the new Activity
Center is still at least 5 years from
7
I~lI
Associate Editor along with the News until now, they have not really been would be in denial too. But it doesn't We want the power! Justice and
8~Q
., IP~'B
Editor is going to repopulate the earth illegal. That is, until Boyd and give her the right to steal our money. stipends for all!!
-HB
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N4ot Lo s t In Babylon
By Jor-El of Krypton the Top 100 Videos of All Time. "I've always been a big fan of adventure/action."
"I don't consider it a video," he said, "it's more Mumy said, "Superman sucked me in."
I recently had the chance to sit in on an interview of a film. We shot it on film." He named The Martian Chronicles as his favorite
session with Bill Mumy, star of many a hit sci-fi TV The Jenerators, Mumy's newest musical project, sci-fi book and The Day The Earth Stood Still as his
show. In a small room tucked away in a corner of are working on an album too. number one science fiction movie.
the Sports Comptex, my compatriots and I, waited "The problem is getting everyone [in the He is happy with his role as Lennier on Babylon
for about 10 minutes before Mr. Mumy walked in, Jenerators] together in the studio," he said, "we're 5, where he is a supporting actor, unlike his Will
fresh from an hour long autograph signing. all doing different things." Robinson role where he was "basically the star of
Dressed casually, he Also he the show."
sported sunglasses talked about "There is a big difference in responsibility in
through out the inter- playing with between being the star and a supporting player,"
view, and had a bottle of America, and Mumy said, "but at least I don't have to go to
Poland Spring close at co-writing school anymore."
hand. much of the Most of the questions directed toward the 42-
It seems Bill Mumy's material on year-old actor dealt with his side projects, not his
first - or even second - their latest current work on the hit Fox show.
love is not science-fi- few albums. I He talked about Space Cases, a sci-fi series for kids
tion, despite being in asked him if that airs on Nickelodeon. He also does voice overs
two of the more well he'd been on a half dozen shows, including Ren & Stimpy,
known sci-fi shows of through the Animaniacs and Batman: The Animated Series. He
all time. desert on a does a mean Lillipudlian accent, too.
Mumy played Will horse with no Mumy was more than happy to talk to the
Robinson in the 1960's n a m e; small crowd of reporters, but left after thirty
Lost In Space, and now "Countless minutes, most likely due to a busy I-CON
he plays Lennier on times," he schedule. He was relaxed enough that would
Babylon 5. said. "I love playing with those guys." have stayed and talked to us longer if he could
"I love to play music," Mumy said. He then "Unfortunately music has to take a back seat to have, that is as long as no one asked him really
described a few of his current musical projects, the welfare of my family," he said. "When I was in geeky questions like, "what waist size was the
Barnes & Barnes, best known for the song and film my 20's and touring with Sean Cassidy it was all robot on Lost in Space" or "what was the
"Fish Heads", are recording their 8th album for the right, even in my 30's it was fun, but now I don't numerical pass code he used as Lennier in
Rhino label. He is very proud of the film "Fish have the same desire to be on a tour bus all the episode #18 of Babylon 5."
Heads" telling us that Rolling Stone voted it one of time any more. But I still love to play."
- A .
By Garth of Izar endlessly annoying housekeeper. It was a great Of course, as luck would have it, we slept through
show... but more importantly, it was a show most Pete's press session. I did, however, manage to drag
I-CON is a wonderful thing. Sure, there's a cer- of the gen-x members of the Press staff have seen myself out of bed in time to see his question and
tain odor problem, and 4 out of every 5 attendees sixteen million times in syndication. Remember answer presentation to I-CON's great unwashed
has dirty hair. But put those facts aside, and the the episode where Benson and Clayton got locked masses. Sunday, April 14th, at 1:00, my eyes were
Island Convention can be a real blast. The dealers in the basement? Or opened to the glory that is
room is always surreally entertaining, there's a the time where Taylor Pete Downey.
plethora of movies and cartoons in the classrooms, ran for Congress? Pete (or Ethan, as his fami-
and there's round the clock role-playing for the "Benson" rocked! ly might call him) is one of
gamers amongst us. So we were under- the funniest people ever to
For me, the highlight of "Geekfest" has always standably excited grace the hallowed halls of
been the guest speakers. I am, I confess, somewhat when we discovered the Indoor Sports Complex.
of a Trekkie, so it's always a thrill to see an Ensign that Ethan Phillips For a guy who makes his liv-
Sulu or Doctor Bashir in person. They're always would be at I-CON. ing playing a highly evolved
eloquent, and usually pretty interesting. I'm sure you remem- hedgehog, he's sure got a
This year, however, was the peak, the paramount, ber his "Benson" char- great sense of humor. Pete
the all time best guest speaker I-CON has had yet. acter. Pete Downey joked with the crowd for
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to tell you about was the Governor's nearly an hour, sharing
a man who brightened my day and saved an oth- press secretary, or anecdotes about "Voyager",
erwise mediocre convention. His name is Ethan something like that. his private life, his paycheck,
Phillips, and he is a god amongst men. He was the wacky lit- and yes, even "Benson." I
Some weeks ago, when we became aware that tle guy who ended up hadn't expected a laugh riot,
Phillips would be one of the speakers at I-CON, marrying Denise, the but Pete cracked me up a
The Press office became all a-twitter. Sure, he plays Governor's secretary. couple times.
Neelix on "Star Trek: Voyager," but we were excit- Pete ruled the mansion. I left the session in a really
ed for an all-together different reason... Phillips So the minute we good mood, feeling a-certain
played Pete Downey on "Benson!" found out Pete was attachment for good ol' Pete.
I'm sure you remember "Benson"... it was a late going to be at I-CON, we started writing questions I mean, just look at his picture... how can you not like
seventies/early eighties sitcom about the staff of a for him. "Was it difficult working for Governor that mug? I need to go watch reruns of Benson now.
Governor's office. Robert Guillaume was Benson, Gatling?" "Did you ever want to kick Clayton's ass?" I need to rent Glory, where he played a hospital stew-
the erstwhile hero, Rene Auberjonois played the "Why did the only Black man on staff have his desk ard, or Jeffrey, where he played "Dave, the sexual
prententious and ever pompous Clayton Endicott, in the kitchen?" "Was Kraus really that much of a compulsive." God bless you, Pete. You made my day.
and Inga Swenson brought us Gretchen Kraus, the bitch, or was she just misunderstood?"
L
I
[By Ted Swedalla which we missed by 2 hours, and video gaming in began to create magnificent conspiracy theories. It
.1
room 177. Having no experience in Virtual Fighter, was fun.
We are geeks down here at The Press. We know it or Mortal Kombat, or what ever it was, I decided We went to the Cyber Bar (*Matrix) to see the cos-
and we accept it. It takes a special breed of people against entering the tournament. What ever hap- tume party, which turned out to be nothing more
to want to throw every other weekend away into pened to cool games like Super Mario Brothers 3? than a raffle in the Physics Building, it was very dis-
the tumultuous process S'AT URDAY appointing. I was expecting to see people in cos-
called production. 12:.0Am7 tumes parade around the transformed classroom
Geeks are a special Went back vying for the title of Best Costume. Darn.
breed of people, they to ESS 001 to Every room on the first floor held a different role
have some sort of social watch La Blue playing game, Star Trek, Battletech and I actually
ineptitude, but are very Girl, an NC- saw two people sword fighting in the hallway.
intelligent. A Dork on 17 rated Man, that was one mean bitch with an epe4.
the other hand also has Anime. You S UfDAY 12:20An
social ineptitude, but is think the Once again went on a mission to see La Blue Girl
a moron. Then, of Simpsons over in ESS 001. This time, it wasn't as exciting as
course there is the dweeb, a total social misfit, stu- have good sound bites, wait till you see demons the first two episodes. By the time the video screen
pid and a total loser. This report is from a geeks with prehensile penises raping young Japanese went dead, about 20 minutes into the first episode
point of view on a whole bunch of other geeks. girls. The phrase "I'm tired of your hole" takes on a (it did eventually come back on I was told), I was
Maybe that's why we feel so happy every time whole new meaning now. already out the door.
that I-CON rears its head on campus. Is this No demons raping girls, no prehensile penises,
SA I'HRDAY 12:30p1Ti
because we are not the least socially acceptable Arrived on campus and was areet- but there was the Iron Pube Blast - which although
.... - - - .-
t - - -TV-...
-- . -
group on campus anymore [albeit only for one ed by a scary subculture. The people exciting -
weekend]? Or that we are allowed to cover the were all dressed exactly the same, could not
event for free, have a mighty good time watching had their own language and had hor- save the
Anime, staring at people even freakier than John or rible plans for the rest of the day Anime
because we can buy things you'd never ask for in Apparently there was a rugby tour- from falling
any store? I don't have the information on that one. nament on campus this weekend. into the
But I went out and covered the event anyway, bowels of
FEATURDAY 3:00Pni
hoping to sell the handful of Magic Cards I had Mt. Fugi.
Back inside the dealers' room. Sold
from a couple of years ago, looking to have a good Don't
4 Magic card. Made $60. Got to inter-
time and maybe catch a really bad sci-fi movie in know if I
view Bill Mumy. Bought X-Files
some classroom. will return
mug. Made $60. Walked around tried
to sell more cards. Heard lots of to see parts
EDITORS LOG: FRiDAY G:0o0Pr geeky things. Did I mention that I 5 & 6 of La
We arrive at the entrance to the Sports Complex, made $60? Blue Girl on
and find the press credential line without having to Sunday.
SATURDAY S:35PITl
talk to anyone dressed like a Klingon. I got my pass Went back to the Dealers room and su nUDAY
with little hassle, and everything's still going OK. sold more Magic cards and did a lit- 0:00 pmf
(Except for my name being spelled wrong on the tle dance. Saw people walking Another
pass, but I can accept that. Nobody spells my name around that scared me, especially report from
right anyway.) that Romulan who stood in the next an away
Then I went down to the dealers' room, which urinal while I peed. team of
from last years' Press review of I-CON, I had a few Talked to Sarah Dyer, who co- m i n e
qualms about entering. Friday's voyage to the bot- (Business
writes Milk & Toast and Space Ghost:
tom of the gym was just going to be a browsing Coast to Coast with Evan Dorkin. [Ed. Manager)
expedition, any money I was going to spend was she was
Note - "This is his real name.] She said
going to be done on Saturday. this was her first non-all comic con- assaulted
Two quick orbits of all the tables gave me an idea vention and it "was a little scary. A by the
of what could b6eadi in this Pit of Sarlacc. I put an lot more Klingons here." She was wearing a silver indigenous life forms from the planet Dweebiod.
X-Files mug on my list of things I needed. (My other
jacket, and looked alot like the girl from No Doubt, She is the one who categorized the people of the
mug is from Newsday and really doesn't look cool but was alot more attractive. Fuck John and his convention into the geeks, dorks and dweebs.
in the office.) Then there was a miasma of other
obsession with skinny, muscular women with dots SUflDAY 0:00PfT
things - which I know I have no use for - but the Was not able to finish my mission of peace, but I
on their heads.
mood struck me, so I put them on the list anyway. was
SATURDAY O:+4SpPT able to stick to the Press' Prime Directive: I made
FRiDAY O:00P7I Received a report from my away team (Photo and money. Lots of it. I love being a geek. I was not able
I watched the X-Files. What else did you think I Music Editors) who went to see Capt. America in a to fully integrate myself into the spirit of the week-
would be doing? By the way, this was a great end, but couldn't no matter how hard I tried.
classroom on a TV screen.
episode, and does anyone have the sound bite "You According to them the movie was a classic, Capt.
don't play Dungeons and Dragons for as long as I I did have a good time at the convention, it was
America and the president of the USA kicked much
have with out learning a little something about ass at the end of the movie. They loved the movie, run more efficiently (all the speakers were on time
courage" yet? Dave, our head D&D geek wants it.
and recommended that we make further contact this year.) I did not get to see the last two parts of La
FRiDAY 10:35p7ITI with this movie. Blue Girl, but it was still worth the price of admis-
Wandered into the CyberBar (Physics 113) with Excelsior!!!! sion to wander campus aimlessly, occasionally pop-
the Photo Editor to look for someone. We found her. ping in on a movie I've seen a dozen times.
SATURDAY 8:45PmI,
I became frightened as I looked around. The Dealers Room has become the X-Files room,
Went back to the Sports Complex to talk to Ethan
FRIDAY 10:50pf Phillips, better known as Pete from Benson. He was there was so much devoted to the Fox show, that it
Checked out some of the things going on in ESS, not available for an interview at that time, but we was obvious that these people knew where the
before heading over to the Spot. The Anime in heard that he would be available tomorrow morn- money lies. And I did not see as much illegal con-
Room 001, interested me - and it wasn't even the ing. I'm waking Dave up at 9:30am on Sunday to traband (Star Trek RPG, pornos of stars, etc.) as I
NC-17 kind! - and I vowed to return. do the interview with me. expected to see at the convention. Although I heard
Upstairs in ESS, there was stargazing on the roof, Saw four cop cars outside the Sports Complex and there was plenty to be found.
I-CON XV did not suck!
The Stony Brook Press page 12
l~ll~gl~l~Bgll~
- - - - I I~P~-- - - - - I - ~-----sl ~s~c~Pu~e~i~n~ ---- T_ ---
By Garrison of those other people is usually the volunteer answer a lot of questions. If, on the other
who was supposed to show the movie. hand, your panel consists of computer hack-
Things to watch and to watch Another thing to be careful of is your defini- ers, freelance writers, and anyone else who has
tion of professional. Anyone who gets paid to an unrelated or unlisted "day job," they may
out for at next year's ICON: do what they do can be called a professional, do nothing but answer questions and the topic
that doesn't mean they will act in what can be may shift frequently. Hackers are an especially
At any science fiction/fantasy convention considered a professional manner. Authors, good example of this, as these individuals tend
there are guaranteed to be plenty of things to artists, actors, and other guests of ICON are to be inherently "unmoderated." Finally, if
watch. There are art shows, movies, demon- people just like the rest of us- just as prone to your entire panel is covered on the list of "Also
strations, and of unpreparedness and unprofessional- Appearing," you may want to put that discus-
course, the cos- ism. I have seen both gifted speakers sion on your b-list.
t u m e s . who had no point and fascinating In general it's good to be conservative in your
Unfortunately, thinkers wno `-- ~--l`-C--- -YPsrrsl~--··-nl.~--s~--_ ~-------r -- 1,- -111_----·---__--~~ ~
accurate schedule having an (M) next to his expectations and liberal with common sense. If it
will be posted. The name. These discussions says FREE STUFF, it's probably nothing you want.
exception to this, tend to be more orga- If there's a 2 1/2 hour movie in a 2 hour slot, it's
is of course any of nized, with a true panel going to go late. They sound simple, yet every year
the movies which discussion and audience I see people surprised at these same things. Some
mysteriously van- questions taken during people don't seem to realize that ICON is a large
ish, never to be and/or after the panel and complex event which takes many months and
seen. I don't think speakers. Unmoderated many people to plan. Many things will always go
there has been an discussions tend to be wrong. I've seen many people lose their heads
ICON I've attend- less focused and will over things that just didn't really matter, simply
ed were I haven't often stray far from the because they wanted things to go as planned. On
walked into at listed topic. The other tip the other hand I see people lose it each year just
least one sched- is to look at the back- because they're nuts, but that's what it's all about,
uled room to see a grounds of the speakers right?
scheduled movie, themselves. If your panel
only to find three is made up of award win-
-- r- 1--
C 1- J- :11
"b, h-iL- ffrrr
or iour UeiUUUIme nn1g CautLUIors, UUox oUlic
persons wondering, as do I, "Where's the flick?" actors, and Ph.D.'s it will probably be highly
I should also point out that the most befuddled structured and they may not have time to
Special thanks to the staff of ICON XV for providing us with passes giving us
free reign to take embarassing pictures and going to boring seminars and panel
discussions.
We really did have fun at your expense
Until next year...
_ ,~ , ,, -- II ---I- -I~--~-e -c.~----
---- April 15, 1996 page 13
,,
good Phone Sex is Hard to ind
By Jeanne Nolan sleep. As I entered my room I crossed over the sea thanked me for being open to talk to him and apol-
of fliers that had been slipped under my door and ogized for wasting my time. Then he said "You
When the phone rings twice, an off campus call, was greeted by an off campus call. sound really cool, are you sure you won't change
we know it's one of three things: 1) a friend or fam- The voice at the other end said "Hey it's Mike, your mind?" He was really polite to my rejection
ily member who we probably don't want to talk to, how's it goin?" Like many people I have a friend and I wished him luck in finding someone willing
2) a wrong number, or 3) an obscene caller. For named Mike who lives off campus, so I started to have phone sex with him. I hung up feeling
some unexplained reason my room is plagued by bitching to him about walking back in the snow. It guilty for not helping Mike out, he was just an
the third. was a few minutes into the conversation when I ordinary guy looking for some good phone sex.
There are different degrees to obscene phone realized that it was not my friend Mike and I did
calls. The heavy breathers are amateurs who lack not know this person. I confronted him with this
all sense of creativity. To them I usually respond, fact and he said, "Don't go, can't you talk to me
"Can't you do any better than that?" Then break anyway?" He was really friendly and he wasn't
into an incredible shrieking orgasm. The caller is so panting or moaning, so I started talking to him. He
shocked by this response that they hang up com- told me that he lived on Long Island and commut-
pletely baffled by what kind of sick girl they just ed to John Jay. We talked about spring break, he
encountered. There is one guy who calls on a regu- had gone to Florida with his girlfriend. He was
lar basis that has a category all to himself. My really down to earth. Then I found out the motive
roommate and I have dubbed him "Perv". Perv is behind this phone call. "So what do you think
a truly deranged individual who feels obligated to about phone sex?"
share his repulsive fantasies. He always catches us I'm not a sexually inhibited person and if you're
off guard by calling at obscure times. It's a horrible into phone sex then that's cool, it's just not for me.
start to the day when you're awakened at nine- I can't describe erotic acts without knowing who's
thirty on a Saturday morning to someone saying "I on the other end of the line. I wouldn't want some
have your mother tied to a tree and my cock is nasty fat slob who goes to I-CON conventions get-
shoved deep into her rectum." Alaina, my room- ting off on my voice. I asked Mike why he doesn't
mate has the best answer to him when she says, have phone sex with his girlfriend and he
"'You sick bastard, take a gun and shoot yourself in explained to me that it was the element of fantasy
the head. You don't deserve to live." which he found so arousing. I believe the psychol-
Last Sunday I was returning from spring break, I ogy of phone sex is gender related, as we all know
had walked back from the train station in the snow men will fuck anything, so it's easy for them to cre-
(can someone please explain why it keeps snow- ate an image of a fantasy girl and have phone sex
ing-it's fuckin April!) the strap of my bag had with a stranger. Women on the other hand, need to
been digging into my shoulder, weighed by books connect with their partner on a level other than
I hadn't touched all week. The only thing on my physical, so they are less inclined to have phone
mind was throwing on a pair of sweat pants, sex with someone they've never met.
crawling under my flannel sheets and going to Mike totally understood my reasoning and he
FIGHT TD
Since January First, the College You can spread graffiti to prevent
Republicans have met with: bud get cuts, or you can join the
Coll ege Republicans. Lobby for edu-
Sen. Bob Dole cati()n, and have a voice in the future.
Sen. Phil Gramm Plar ned events include:
Gov. George Pataki
Rep. Rick Lazio Casino Night
Sen. Kenneth LaValle Party at the Park Bench
Rep. Forbes Rock The Vote
County Executive Bob Gaffney
politics seems to be dominated by demagoguery. His latest conclusion; of good for a lot of people. It's a sim-
When a society's most successful critic is a loud- Democrats need to stop ple message, but one that is vital to
mouth, lyjng pox like Rush Limbaugh, you're in taking the Republican the survival of the Democratic party.
trouble. onslaught and go on the In the latter chapters of We're
To be honest, it isn't even the demagoguery offensive themselves. Right, Carville takes more extended,
that bothers me... hell, I plan on making a We're Right, They're in-depth looks into several issues
career out of it. My concern is that only one side Wrong, subtitled "A key to modern politics; health care,
of the political spectrum is being represented, Handbook for Spirited the economy, race, and education.
and it's the wrong side. Sure, we Democrats Progressives," is the first He offers praise where deserved and
have our voices in the media; Michael Kinsley, jab in that bout.. and it's a constructive criticism where need-
David Broder, William Raspberry, and a couple haymaker. ed. Interspersed throughout are
others... but then, the competition's got George We're Right, what Carville calls "lagniappes," lit-
Will, William Bennett, and P.J. O'Rourke. They're Wrong pro- tle sidebars in the text which offer
Furthermore, though we match (or, more likely, vides the reader with everything from scathing indict-
exceed) the Republicans on an intellectual what little informa- ments of public figures to recipes for
basis, they far surpass us in volume. tion is needed to take backyard barbecue.
Loudmouth radio punks like Limbaugh, G. the wind right out of This is a tremendously valuable
Gordon Liddy, and Bob Grant fill our airwaves your favorite ditto- work, and if the Dems know what's
with bullshit propaganda... and the public buys head's sails. Carville good for them, they'll all be carrying
it, since there's no liberal voice to tell them oth- begins the book with this little gem around like Maoists
h*Ti- rti
41thChirman's littl- red b-ook»
erwise. The result; hordes of brainwashed ditto- hte counter ar•lgu- VVILIL t11e t Z!) II LL.:
a..itLCAitILL V *v..
heads who spout fascist dogma in attempts to ments against the right's favorite issues, includ- We're Right, They're Wrong is a slap on the collec-
convert those of us who have enough brains not ing welfare, taxes, and "big government." And tive asses of the Democratic party, a reminder that
to buy it. What's a liberal to do? unlike Limbaugh, he presents the facts which we don't need to be on the defensive, because,
Well, here's the first step you should take. Go to your near- back up his argument. after all, we're right.
i
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By PAl Eide murder of hundreds of South American prison in the near future.
inmates in order to get rid of prison overpopula- On the track "Lookaway" Sepultura gives props
"OPEN UP YOUR MIND AND GO YOUR OWN tion. "Kaiowas" is an acoustic masterpiece dedi- to the hard-core rap/heavy metal fusion move-
WAY. LIVE YOUR LIFE/NOT THE WAY THEY cated to a tribe of Brazilian Indians who commit- ment of the nineties. Mike Patton of the band Faith
TAUGHT YOU/DO WHAT YOU FEEL. WHEN ted mass suicide as protest against a government No More (one of the pioneers of rapping to heavy
YOU GO DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER-YOU GO that was taking their land and their freedom. metal) teams up with Jonathan Davis of Korn to
DOWN FIGHTING." The new album, Roots, is just as rebellious as any vocalize on this dark piece which was produced by
Believe it or not, these lyrics are some of the more of their previous works. The music is still full D.J. Lethal of House Of Pain.
mellow, mature from Sepultura. Sepultura is a throttle, no holds barred heavy metal, yet has a bit There is an acoustic track that was recorded with
group of musicians from Sao Paulo, Brazil. Sao more experimentation with funkiness and melody. the Xavantes tribe of Matto Grosso, Brazil. The
Paulo is one of the largest cities on earth, with the This album is their most mainstream effort thus far band performed a song to accompany the tribe's
same problems of any other in their healing ceremony chant called "Datsi Wawere".
urbanized area. What makes careers, There are many segments of the band's time with
Sepultura different from their although one the tribe on this record, from which one may draw
ghetto-influenced peers in the could not tell the conclusion that music, as well as the ghetto
heavy metal music industry is by the vulgar state of mind, is universal. Anyone who enjoys
that they can enjoy the injustices way in which heavy metal for its motivational and inspirational
of urbanization as well as the Max Cavalera aspects rather than its image will thoroughly enjoy
injustices of the Brazilian gov- expresses his the latest Sepultura album.
ernment upon indigenous South ideas. On this
American tribes. album he is PA's Picks
Sepultura has made it a point listed as Kom During their show with 311 used some lyrics
to sing about many of the con- vocalist, from a Slick Rick/Doug E. Fresh classic instead of
troversial issues of modern man. which is a big their own. PHAT!
They have tackled issues con- step up from Machinehead During their show with Stuck Mojo
cerning the senseless loss of life 1 9 9 3 ' s busted out lyrics from the Wu Tang Clan's
from warfare, the lack of respect CHAOS A.D., "Method Man" instead of their own. PHATTER!
for individual's rights by gov- where he was Clutch Really weird, really good. Unfortunately I
ernment, the insanity of blind labeled saw them open for Skid Row.
faith in any religion, the uncer- throat/gui- X-Cops a more tasteful version of Gwar. Strictly for
tain relationship between tars. those with way too much testosterone such as myself.
hinftothnolocrv and the AIDS Similar to Tool Frontman Maynard requested that everyone
virus, police corruption, and the drawbacks of Van Halen, there is a family thing going on in perform sexual acts upon each other after the show
mass conformity. Sepultura is not only about Sepultura. The Cavalera brothers, Max and Igor, at Roseland last year. Lead guitarist also worked on
expressing their opinions on record. They have are responsible for the drums and guitars on all of special effects on T2 and JurassicPark. PHATTEST!
also dedicated a few of their songs on factual evi- their albums (Author's note: cavilar means "to
dence of mass destruction of the less fortunate in ponder deeply" in Spanish). This means that there
songs like "Manifest," which is about the mass will not be any major lineup changes for this band
By Ted Swedalla Twelvetoes" (Chavez), "Three Is A Magic love that name) of Hole. This indie-pop turn at the
Number" (Blind Melon) and "Electricity, importance of zero also includes the only cross over
Add Bob Dorough to the list of great all-time Electricity" (Goodness), are all average. But most from the Cartoon Greatest Hits disc, Gibby Haynes
songwriter. Who the hell is this guy? I know that's of his songs are the gems of this disc. of the Butthole Surfers, albeit for only two lines.
what you're thinking, who is this unknown who Better Than Ezra covers "Conjunction Junction" Moby turns "Verb: That's What's Happening"
gets to put his name up among the elite songwrit- which rolls along like the boxcars that dominate into the hardest rocker on the disc, and if I can steal
ers like Elvis Costello, John Lennon and the team
of Jagger/Richards. He just happens to be the main
contributor to another great CD: The Schoolh
Rock! Rocks CD.
the original cartoon. Ween, in a very un-Ween
like way, tells us the story of the ýý f1
.s1111
from the song 'I can take a noun and bend it, make
it a verb and really send it,' this song mobys.
)ther songs include "The Energy Blues" (Biz
rkee), "Interplanet Janet" (Man or Astroman?)
Like the Saturday Morning Cartoons' Greatest I "The Tale Of Mr. Morton" (Skee-Lo).
CD, you may consider this to be just another v ement totally ruins "No More Kings," by
to milk a few million dollars from a generati )ping most of the line from the song, and the
(mine, of course) that spent countle s that they do use, they bastardize. The line
Saturday's bathing in the great cathode gloi e're gonna run thing our own way/ nobody's
But it's not. It's a glorious return to the plac nna tell us what to do" somehow becomes
where the 20-something crowd first hear ve're gonna run things our own way/ gonna
phrases like "taxation without representation' in it into the ground." Trying to make state-
(from "No More Kings") and "Hold your fire .ent against the country's auspicious history
till you see the whites of their eyes" (from s okay, but not during a song that highlights
"The Shot Hold 'Round The World"), both the Boston Tea Party.
included on this 14 song disc. The highlight of the disc is Daniel Johnston's
Most of us, that can remember watching loopy "Unpack Your Adjective." Originally I
these cartoons, learned from them. Like the didn't remember this song from my childhood,
Animaniacs do today, they turn an important ut then Johnston sang "He was a scary bear!/
lesson (whether it be grammar, scientific or his He was a hairy bear!" and the memories - the
ry) into something that connects with young p three bowls of Lucky Charms, waking up at
ple: music and cartoons. Unlike the Animaniz 7am to watch the Smurfs and playing with
Schoolhouse Rock! is straight-forward, it doe, Legos - all came rushing back to me.
regress into double-entandre and other humor( This disc is a necessity for all those that
devises to get its point across. Schoolhouse Rc nember those lost mornings of building forts
taught us to multiply by every number, told n couch cushions and those times before Atari
how a bill becomes a law and what you coulc i, I'm old). The inside booklet contains noth-
.i .! ! " • . I• | !
with every important part ot speech. Kevolutlon, I ne bnot nearc ing more tnan tne lyrics to tne songs incluaea,
Although the most famous of the Schoolhouse 'Round The World." Buffalo Tom gives us a and of course advertising peddling the
Rock! songs, "I'm Just A Bill," covered exquisitely- campy riff-driven "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Schoolhouse Rock!: Official Guide book, the VCR
by another Lou Barlow (Sebadoh) side project - Adverbs Here" complete with little kid voices tapes of all 41 episodes and a box set which fea-
Deluxx Folk Implosion, is not written by Dorough, and the song ending 'indubitably.' tures the original songs.
a majority of them are. "My Hero, Zero" by the Lemonheads, features The CD is available on the Lava/Atlantic label
Dorough's compositions include "Little Patty Schemel and Melissa Auf der Maur (god, I and benefits the Children's Defense Fund.