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The Categorical Universe of Candice Phee By Barry Jonsberg

The Categorical Universe of Candice Phee By Barry Jonsberg

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Published by ChronicleBooks
Candice Phee isn't a typical twelve-year-old girl. She has more than her fair share of quirks, but she also has the very best of intentions and an unwavering determination to make sure everyone around her is happy—which is no easy feat when dealing with a pet fish with an identity crisis, a friend who believes he came from another dimension, an age-old family feud, and a sick mom. But she is on a mission. Her methods might be unique, but Candice will do whatever it takes to restore order to her world and make sure everyone is absolutely, categorically happy again.
Candice Phee isn't a typical twelve-year-old girl. She has more than her fair share of quirks, but she also has the very best of intentions and an unwavering determination to make sure everyone around her is happy—which is no easy feat when dealing with a pet fish with an identity crisis, a friend who believes he came from another dimension, an age-old family feud, and a sick mom. But she is on a mission. Her methods might be unique, but Candice will do whatever it takes to restore order to her world and make sure everyone is absolutely, categorically happy again.

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Published by: ChronicleBooks on Jul 08, 2014
Copyright:Traditional Copyright: All rights reserved

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01/14/2015

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BARRY JONSBERG
 
 A is for assignment.I’m excited. Miss Bamford is my English teacher, and she is the best English teacher in the world.Wait. Wrong way. Go back. I haven’t personally expe-rienced every teacher in the world (obviously). I believe in
precision, so I must rene my statement. It is more accurate
to say that she’s the best teacher
as far as I’m concerned
.Miss Bamford is a small woman and she is between thirty and sixty years of age. I refuse to guess at ages. I asked her once, in the interest of accuracy, and she wouldn’t tell me. She wears long and shapeless dresses,
so it’s difcult to tell what her body is like. But she is
probably thin. The one unmistakable thing about Miss Bamford is her lazy eye. It’s her right one, and it rolls around like it’s skating on something slippery. This lack of control dis-turbs many students in my class. Sometimes she shouts
at a student and, given her lazy eye, it’s difcult to tell
who she is yelling at. One eye dips and bobs like a maniac
and the other glares at a nonspecic location.
A Is for Assignment
 
BARRY JONSBERG
2
Douglas Benson—he’s my friend in English—once said that she might have one lazy eye, but the other is hyper-active and should be on Ritalin. When I told Miss Bam-
ford what he said, her eye uttered about even more than
normal. You might assume Douglas and I got into trouble for that. But we didn’t. I’ll tell you about it later.The assignment.It’s an essay. She wrote it on the board. ESSAY: Write about something that happened to you in the past.Of course, anything that already happened
must
 be in the past and I tried to point this out, but Miss Bamford ignored me and continued explaining the assignment. We have to write a paragraph about ourselves for every letter of the alphabet. Twenty-six paragraphs in total and each one starts with a letter of the alphabet, from A through to Z, recounting our lives. She gave us an example. A is for Albright. I was born in Albright, which is a small town about forty kilometers from Brisbane in Queensland, Australia. Not much happens in Albright, so my birth was a cause of much celebration. People danced
in the streets and there were reworks for two nights
running. Since then, the town has gone back to sleep. Or maybe it is holding its breath, waiting for me to do some-thing else, something equally spectacular . . .I wrote Miss Bamford’s example in my notebook. Our school is in Albright, so I suppose she was making the example relevant. But I didn’t like the way the example made false statements. I mean, no one’s birth causes
that
 

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