A Heart of Flesh: An Adoptive Mamas Heart

By Sonya Schweighardt

Adoption is the birthing of a child into a family from the heart instead of the womb. The
thoughts of snips and snails and puppy dog tails along with sugar and spice and all things
nice will dance through parents heads prior to the childs arrival. But so often parents
arent properly trained and can go into an adoption with rose colored glasses. Please dont
get me wrong; adoption is beautiful! Watching ashes turn to beauty is one of the most
amazing journeys a parent could ever experience. However, it is a journey. It is a journey
with many trials and tribulationsa pilgrimage to healing the brokenhearted child. Its a
voyage through many rough waters and a calling to love what some would deem the
unlovable.

We prepare our hearts for this calling for weeks, months, even years. We are filled with
visions in our heads of this precious child running into our arms, ready to join a new family,
a new culture, a new life, and we hope everything will be picture perfect. And then the
bubble bursts and life happens. Our hearts cry out for our hurting children. We want to kiss
every boo-boo. Wipe away every tear. Hug away all of the pain. But what happens when our
child pushes us away? No one could ever prepare our hearts for that type of rejection.

As a mother, you feel rejected turned down, and given the cold shoulder. It may seem like
the word veto has been stamped across your forehead in large letters. No matter what you
do, your child holds up two hands and yells stranger danger at the top of his lungs. Your
mamas heart plummets to your feet. You feel defeated, conquered and crushed. To protect
yourself you begin to build walls around your own heart. The heart that once loved has
become hard like sun baked clay. If you held it in your hand, it would crumble into a million
pieces. You look at yourself in the mirror wondering as you cry out to God, What has
happened to me?

If this is you, do not hang your head down in shame, dear mama! Dont lose hope! We so
often forget that when our brokenhearted children came home, they brought a backpack full
of bricksand not just any bricks. These are bricks that weigh the child down, bricks of
shame, anger, lies, mistrust, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, abandonment
issues, communication problems, and just plain feeling unlovable. My list could go on and
on. And with all of this baggage, you may realize no one ever took the time to help the child
through the grief process of losing his or her birth family. So often the past is just swept
under the rug. And the wall around the childs heart becomes a mighty fortress. No one can
enter. And when this happens, what do we do as mamas? We might begin to build
fortresses around our own hearts.

I call this reverse RAD (reactive attachment disorder). So often, adopted children are
diagnosed with RAD, and then the mother develops it too. I want to share a powerful
Scripture with you. It is so powerful that I truly believe it sheds much light on the adoptive
moms heart.

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you; and I will take away
the stony heart of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh Ezekiel 36:26.

Our hearts can so easily be turned into this heart of stone. This not only affects our own
ability to love and see clearly, but it affects our marriages, our relationships with our other
children, and even our friendships because we have a tendency to isolate ourselves if we
believe no one understands. A heart of stone is a heart that is cold. It is also hardso
hard that nothing can cut through it. The heart of stone is dead. There is no feeling in it, no
tears of sadness or pity; it does not bleed. The heart is lifeless; it has no softness to it. It is
incapable of sensing anothers feelings.

Charles Spurgeon describes the heart of flesh well:

It means a heart that can feel on account of sina heart that can bleed when the arrows of
God stick fast in it; it means a heart that can yield when the gospel makes its attacksa
heart that can be impressed when the seal of God's word comes upon it; it means a heart
that is warm, for life is warma heart that can think, a heart that can aspire, a heart that
can loveputting all in onea heart of flesh means that new heart and right spirit which
God giveth to the regenerate.
1


Our hearts have to be filled with a tenderness toward our child that only God can pour into
us! We have to look at our brokenhearted child and realize that their acting out, their
rejection, their pushing away of every attempt that we make to draw them near is not a
personal attack against us! It is a deep pain that exists inside of them.

Moms, please understand that you need to ask God for this heart of flesh. You need to feel
the tenderness and love that God feels toward your child. Stop listening to the father of all
lies. He wants to see you defeated and torn down. Satan wants to claim the orphaned
children for himself. Many have had so much abuse that their hearts are wide open to the
father of lies. This is a spiritual battle for your childs soul. Each day you must suit up with
the armor of God. (Ephesians 6:10-20) Become a mighty mama warrior for your child! Each
stony layer of the heart must be removed one at a time. Hope must never be lost.
Remember that love never fails (I Corinthians 13:8).

A passage from Hebrews that I hold close to my heart says this:

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. . . Hebrews 12:2.

Another version of scripture calls Him the perfecter of our faith. Jesus is walking right with
us. He is guiding us. But look at what the beginning of this verse says, Looking unto
Jesus. We have to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. I love the account of Peter walking on
water. It was when he kept his eyes fixed on Jesus that he could walk on the water. It
wasnt until he took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to sink. It was when he took his
eyes away from Jesus eyes that he began to notice the chaos of the storm and the waves
that were being driven and tossed by the wind. He noticed life away from Jesus! How often
do we do that? How often do we take our eyes off of Jesus and begin drowning in our
situation with our broken child. The beauty of brokenness with Jesus is that it can be fixed.

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds, Psalm 147:3.

Isnt that a beautiful picture? So not only will God heal your brokenhearted child and bind
up his wounds, He will also take you and your brokenness and bind it up! We can go from
broken to beautiful through Jesus Christ. And we can take our children through this same
journey.

I dont come to you giving you the quick fix. I am sorry to tell you that there is none. But I
can tell you as a mother of fifteen beautiful blessings, twelve of whom have been adopted,
that I have seen the healing power of Jesus Christ. When you begin to see your child with a
heart of flesh, the way God sees him, you will begin an entirely new journey. Armed with
your shield of faith and the sword of the spirit, this battle can be won. Remember to take
each day, each hour, each minute, each second, each moment with your eyes fixed on
Jesus. He will attune your hearts to see, hear, and experience tender mercies that you
never knew existed! We walk this journey together as pilgrims, seeking God to not only heal
our own stony hearts, but the patched up and broken hearts of our children.

Five Steps to Bring a Child Through Grief
Adopted children may grieve the loss of their birth family. It is important to take them
through the grieving process in order for them to move forward in the healing journey.
Using Gods Word through this journey is essential. The Word speaks to the heart of the
child to bring true healing.

The stages of grief are:
1. Denial: shock, numbness, and disbelief.
2. Anger: anger toward loved ones, others, God, the world, and themselves.
3. Bargaining: desiring that their life could be the way it was before, even if it was abusive
and unhealthy.
4. Depression: feeling the pain, loss, grief, and sadness.
5. Acceptance and Forgiveness: the loss is still there, but the child is ready to forgive and to
move forward with his or her life.

God heals the brokenhearted child (Psalm 147:3).
Your childs cares are to be cast upon God (1 Peter 5:7).
Release the pain and fear into Jesus hands (Luke 4:18).
God will give your child rest (Matthew 11:28-30).
Pray with your child and for your child (James 5:16).
Inner healing is possible (Romans 8:32).
Extend forgiveness (Mark 11:25-26).

Sonya has been married to her college sweetheart, Russell, for 22 years. They have been
blessed with 15 amazing children (3 birthed from the womb and 12 birthed from the heart).
Sonya is an adoption advocate and speaks both on pre and post adoption issues. You can
follow her blog: www.respondinginfaith.com. She is available for adoption retreats and
conferences.

Endnote:

1.www.biblehub.com/sermons/pub/the_stony_heart_removed.htm.

Copyright 2014, used with permission. All rights reserved by author. Originally appeared in
the Annual Print 2014 issue of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, the family education
magazine. Read the magazine free at www.TOSMagazine.com or read it on the go and
download the free apps at www.TOSApps.com to read the magazine on your mobile devices.