Off The Pipes

OFF THE PIPES
(NaPlWriMo 2009 entry)
By
William E. Spear
Two Plus Plus Productions LLC

Clinton, New Jersey
www.TwoPlusPlus.com
Two.Plus.Plus.Productions@gmail.com
Off the Pipes i
Summary
Off the Pipes is about Frank Curts, a quarterback in the
Industrial Football League (I-F-L). Curts is an
accomplished quarterback but has never won the league
championship. The closest he got was early in his career
but a last second field goal bounced off the goal posts –
the pipes, as they are called – and was missed because the
kicker was high from smoking crack. Curts will remember
this forever.
Many years later, Curts’ career is ending when he’s injured

during a pre-season game. The team assumes he will retire
and it immediately signs a young player to replace him.
Curts announces he intends to rehabilitate his injury and
play in the league again.
The new quarterback rallies the team with a style of

football that taps into the strengths and skills of every
player. It is no longer Frank Curts and 25 other teammates.
Unexpectedly, the new quarterback leads the team into the
championship game. Curts watches the season from the
sidelines. Privately, he tells friends he could still win
any game at any time.
During the championship, with the team losing, the new

quarterback is hurt. Curts has one last chance to win the
championship which has eluded him. He puts the team in a
position to win and in comes the same field goal kicker
who, in a crack induced stupor, missed years earlier.
Despite Curts’ protests and claims of continued drug use,
the kicker swears he gave up drugs long ago.
But this is Curts’ last chance to win a championship and he

does not want lose again. Does he think the kicker is clean
enough to win the game? Will Frank Curts actually believe
his teammate is Off the Pipes?
Characters
Jackson Sam Jackson, sportscaster.
Dougherty Kate Dougherty, sportscaster.
Curts Frank Curts, married to Denise, and
father of Dana. Quarterback of
Rivermen, he wants to win a
championship before he retires.
Narrator One With Narrator Two, advances and sets up
story.
Off the Pipes ii
Narrator Two With Narrator One, advances and sets up

story.
Denise Denise Curts, married to Frank, lawyer.
Her dream of retiring and traveling
with Frank is shattered when he chooses
to continue playing football.
Doctor Doctor Jones, physician to Curts.
Dana Dana Curts, daughter of Frank and
Denise. Aspires to coach professional
football.
Jacobs Mr. Jacobs or Coach Jacobs. Owner and
coach of Rivermen football team in the
Industrial Football League.
Donnie Current member of the Rivermen.
Dave Current member of the Rivermen.
Tom Thomas Daniels, ex-teammate of Curts.
They are close friends.
Tony Tony Wideman, ex-teammate of Curts.
They are close friends.
PA Announcer One
PA Announcer Two
EMTs and EMT One
Waiters One, Two, Three, and Four Wait staff at Sotto
Marie.
Fans
Mad Dog Jenkins Lightning quick player on Rivermen.
Known for always winning in Ten Second
Takedown.
Denise’s Colleagues
Randy – Denise’s date
Randy Stout (non-speaking) – Replacement for Frank Curts
Fred Fred Gross, ex- and current teammate of
Curts. Years ago he missed an easy kick
while high and crack and cost Curts his
only chance at a championship.
Eric Eric Jenko. One of many ex-users Fred
Gross has quietly get off and stay off
drugs. He is a kicker for another team
in the Industrial Football League.
Off the Pipes 1
Beat 1) Introductions
SFX: WALLA-WALLA TO ESTABLISH FOOTBALL STADIUM. UNDER
TO BED.
JACKSON: Welcome to the Industrial Football League on a
beautiful Thursday night in Roberts County. I’m
Sam Jackson along with Kate Dougherty for the
first game of the preseason. The matchup promises
to be a high-flying affair between two of the
league’s better teams.
DOUGHERTY: That’s right, Sam. Last year’s champions,
the Capitals, begin their title defense against
the Rivermen. The Rivermen just missed the
playoffs despite quarterback Frank Curts leading
the league in passing yards and touchdowns.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL STADIUM UP. UNDER TO BED.
JACKSON: Staying with Curts, the real story of the
preseason was the news he released just as the
Rivermen’s training camp began.
DOUGHERTY: We caught up with him after a grueling
workout earlier this week and spent a few minutes
with him.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL STADIUM UP AND OUT.

Off the Pipes 2
Beat 2) Interview with Curts
DOUGHERTY: Frank, how does it feel to start your
sixteenth season with the Rivermen?
CURTS: It’s exciting to be back in camp with guys I’ve
played my entire career with. I’m looking forward
to another great season.
DOUGHERTY: Anything different about this year?
CURTS: We have some new players on the team. The
league’s gotten better than last year. And . . .
DOUGHERTY: . . . Go ahead.
CURTS: I’ve started thinking what I might do after
football.
DOUGHERTY: (CAUGHT OFF GUARD) You mean retire?
CURTS: Don’t get me wrong. I can still win any game at
any time.
DOUGHERTY: But retire? As in, quitting?
CURTS: It’s not quitting. It’s spending more time with
my family.
DOUGHERTY: (SEEKS CLARIFICATION) But with no football.
CURTS: (CHANGES SUBJECT) I’ve got a team meeting to get
to. (GOES OFF MIC) Maybe later . . .
DOUGHERTY: That was Frank Curts, quarterback of the
Rivermen, with the unexpected news of retiring at
the end of the season.

Off the Pipes 3
SFX: WALLA-WALLA TO ESTABLISH FOOTBALL STADIUM. UNDER
TO BED.
Beat 3) Back to stadium
JACKSON: That couldn’t have been more of a surprise, Kate.
The I-F-L without Curts wouldn’t be the same.
DOUGHERTY: We spoke a few days after the interview and
he said the league had changed in ways he didn’t
understand. Then he confirmed he was thinking of
retiring.
JACKSON: The Rivermen have four preseason games, nine
regular season games, and one more if they make
the championship. That’s alot of football before
Curts retires.
Beat 4) The game begins
DOUGHERTY: The Rivermen have already returned the
opening kickoff to their own thirty-seven
yardline. Standing in as quarterback, in his
sixteenth and possibly final season, is Frank
Curts.
JACKSON: He takes the snap and fades back to throw one of
his signature passes but the Capitals’ linemen
swarm over him and tackle him for a huge loss.
(WITH URGENCY) One of the Capitals jumps up and
frantically waves to the sidelines. He grabs the

Off the Pipes 4
referee and points to the pileup on the field and
starts pushing players out of the way.
DOUGHERTY: (MATCHES JACKSON’S URGENCY) The other
referees are pulling players off the pile and the
trainers from both teams run in. I can see one
player face down not moving. Sam, can you tell
who the injured player is?
JACKSON: Too many people standing around him. They’re
trying to get a stretcher underneath him . . .
The players take a step back. The number of the
injured player is . . . Frank Curts.
Beat 5) Narrators
MUSIC: BRIDGE TO NARRATORS. ESTABLISH SERIOUS MOOD.
UNDER TO BED.
NARRATOR ONE: Frank Curts, star quarterback of the
Rivermen in the Industrial Football league, was
indeed the injured player. Curts did not move as
he was carted off the field and placed in an
ambulance.
NARRATOR TWO: For two days, he did not move in the
Intensive Care Unit of Roberts County Memorial
Hospital. But on the third day, Sunday morning,
with his wife, Denise, at his bedside, Frank
regained consciousness.
Off the Pipes 5
MUSIC: OUT.
Beat 6) In hospital
CURTS: (GROGGILY) Owww. Have I got a headache. The rest
of me’s not doing so well either.
DENISE: (CALLS TO DOCTOR JONES) Doctor Jones, come in
here.
CURTS: Do you have to yell?
DENISE: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) You’re finally talking. We’ve
been so worried about you.
DOCTOR: (COMES ON MIC: LOUDLY) Well, well, well. Mr.
Curts, our star pitcher.
CURTS: Quarterback, Doc, quarterback.
DOCTOR: (STILL LOUDLY) You gave us quite a scare.
CURTS: Is there anybody in this hospital that speaks
lower than a roar?
Beat 7) Dana and Frank
DANA: (NORMALLY) Hi, Dad.
CURTS: My hero.
DANA: How’re you feeling?
CURTS: Every part of me aches. Like a truck ran over me
and then backed up to do it again.
DANA: You’d have been better off if a truck had hit
you.
CURTS: Probably. Help me get up.

Off the Pipes 6
Beat 8) Medical intervention
DOCTOR: (LOUDLY) Where are you going?
CURTS: Somewhere quieter.
DENISE: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) You have to get well.
CURTS: I have to get earplugs and get back to the game.
DOCTOR: The game’s over.
DENISE: You’ve been unconscious for three days.
DANA: They’re right, Dad.
CURTS: Three days?
DANA: Three days.
CURTS: Hmmm. (BEAT) Who won?
DANA: We got crushed.
DENISE: Thirty-seven to seven.
DOCTOR: The other team scored lots of home runs.
CURTS: It’s touchdowns. The other team scored lots of
touchdowns. And alright, alright, I’ll rest
another day and get ready for the next game.
Beat 9) Bad news for Frank
DANA: I don’t know how to tell you this . . .
DENISE: You were hurt pretty badly.
DOCTOR: (LOUDLY) Real bad.
CURTIS: (ANGRILY) First off, I’ve been injured before.
Second, as long as I can throw, I’ll play. And
third, Doc, you’ve got to lower your voice.

Off the Pipes 7
DOCTOR: (NORMALLY) Okay, Mr. Curts, I’ll lower my voice
but it doesn’t change the message. You have a
concussion . . .
CURTS: . . . Give me an aspirin.
DENISE: That won’t help.
DOCTOR: A broken leg . . .
CURTS: . . . I was practically on crutches any way.
DOCTOR: And . . .
CURTS: . . . Go ahead.
DOCTOR: Your arm was twisted behind you and popped out of
the shoulder socket. All the tendons were pulled
or torn. We operated on it while you were
unconscious.
CURTS: I have two arms. As long as my throwing arm
wasn’t damaged.
DOCTOR: It was your left arm.
DANA: (BEAT) Dad, did you hear Doctor Jones? Your left
shoulder got banged up and all the tendons were
ripped apart. That’s your throwing arm. (BEAT)
Dad?
Beat 10) Back to Narrators
MUSIC: BRIDGE TO NARRATORS. ESTABLISH SERIOUS MOOD.
UNDER TO BED.
Off the Pipes 8
NARRATOR TWO: Frank Curts’ future, like the muscles and
tendons in his left shoulder, had been pulled and
stretched to the breaking point.
NARRATOR ONE: As Curts sat propped up in his bed, Doctor
Jones further detailed the damage and explained
the surgery he would perform.
NARRATOR TWO: But Curts heard little of what was said.
Scalpels and sutures meant nothing. Doctors,
nurses, and technicians were meaningless.
NARRATOR ONE: Accompanied by his wife, Denise, and his
daughter Dana, Frank went in for surgery. The
traumatized inner workings of his shoulder were
sorted out and a measure of order was restored.
NARRATOR TWO: And in the evening, when the Rivermen’s star
quarterback, known for his long, powerful passes,
awoke from anesthesia, he looked past his wife
and daughter and asked:
Beat 11) Consciousness
MUSIC: BED OUT.
CURTS: When can I play again, Doc?
DOCTOR: (LOUDLY) Play? I’m working on making you able to
put on and button a suit jacket.

Off the Pipes 9
Beat 12) Physical therapy
DENISE: Doctor Jones has a physical therapy schedule that
will get you back to normal in twelve to eighteen
months.
CURTS: A year? I’ll miss the entire season. I can’t wait
a year to quarterback again. The team . . .
DANA: (BITES CUE: GENTLY) Don’t worry about the team.
Mr. Jacobs knows how badly you were hurt and that
you had surgery today.
CURTS: (ANGRILY) I didn’t want him to know about this.
DANA: Dad, he owns the team and you’re on his payroll.
He coaches the team and needs time to find a
player to replace you.
CURTS: Replace me? Because of a sore shoulder?
DENISE: When you finish therapy you’ll have a sore
shoulder. Right now you only have muscles and
bone.
DOCTOR: And until you heal, I wouldn’t . . .
CURTS: Let me see that therapy schedule, I want to . . .
(PAINFULLY) Owwww.
DOCTOR: As I was about to say, until you heal a bit, I
wouldn’t use your shoulder much.

Off the Pipes 10
Beat 13) Mr. Jacobs, owner of the Rivermen
JACOBS: (OFF MIC: LOUDLY) Is he awake? Can I talk with
him?
CURTS: I don’t want him to see . . .
JACOBS: (ON MIC: LOUDLY) Well, Frank, how’re you feeling?
CURTS: (FEIGNS UPBEAT DEMEANOR) A few weeks of rest and
I’ll be ready to play.
JACOBS: From what I see, it looks like it’ll take few
weeks just to get all the tape and gauze off you.
CURTS: You mean this? It’s only superficial. Doc has a
rehab schedule that’ll have me back on the field
in weeks.
DOCTOR: Months.
DENISE: If ever.
JACOBS: Doc Jones is the best. Let him get you well.
CURTS: In the mean time, I could watch film of the other
teams and help us get ready to play.
JACOBS: Help yourself by taking care of your shoulder.
The team will take care of itself.
Beat 14) Press conference
DANA: You were talking about having the press
conference tomorrow, Mr. Jacobs, late Monday
morning.
Off the Pipes 11
JACOBS: That’s right. The whole town’s been waiting for
news about you, Frank. We’ve gotten over a
thousand letters since your injury.
CURTS: A thousand letters?
JACOBS: Mostly well wishes but a few blamed you for our
loss.
CURTS: But I only played one down.
JACOBS: You know how fans are. One day they love you and
the next day they want another guy to take your
place. (EXPECTING NEGATIVE REACTION) Some of them
even want you to have a long, healthy . . .
retirement.
Beat 15) Retirement?
CURTS: Retirement? I’m not going anywhere.
JACOBS: A lot of people heard or read about your
interview with Kate Jackson. You said you were
thinking about retiring.
CURTS: “Thinking” about retiring is not the same as
“actually” retiring.
DENISE: I thought you were serious about quitting.
CURTS: I’m serious about considering what I’ll do when I
quit.
DENISE: But I was making plans to travel and do all the
things we’ve talked about.

Off the Pipes 12
CURTS: We are going to do those things.
Beat 16) Retirement hammer
DENISE: (WITH HEAT) When Frank? After a couple more
concussions and you don’t recognize me? After a
few more broken legs and you’re permanently in a
wheelchair? When do our lives start, Frank?
CURTS: (MATCHES HER INTENSITY) When I win a
championship. The only dream I’ve ever had is to
throw the winning pass as time runs out. When I
do that I’ll stop.
DENISE: Then find someone else to pick up the broken
pieces of your dream and your body the next time
you get hurt.
SFX: GO OFF MIC: DENISE’S HEELS ON HOSPITAL TIMES. OFF
MIC: HOSPITAL DOOR SLAMS.
“You’ll want to talk about it”
JACOBS: (BEAT) I’m sure the two of you will want to talk
about this in private. Frank, the press
conference is tomorrow morning at ten o-clock.
It’s right here in the hospital in the library.
You don’t have to do a thing except show up.
Everything’s been pre-arranged.
Beat 17) Narrators
MUSIC: ESTABLISH CONTEMPLATIVE MOOD. UNDER TO BED.

Off the Pipes 13
NARRATOR ONE: Frank was emotionally torn over Denise more
than he was physically hurt from his shoulder.
NARRATOR TWO: He and Denise had planned to travel when his
playing days were finished. To her, this was a
perfect opportunity to fulfill their dreams.
NARRATOR ONE: But to him, retiring now meant unfinished
business later. Discarding his championship
dream, even to travel with Denise, translated
into quitting. His injuries throbbed.
NARRATOR TWO: But disappointing Denise was the consequence
of returning to football. For years they
supported each other’s careers. She argued court
cases while he played football. The thought of
breaking his promise made his heart and conscious
ache.
NARRATOR ONE: For Frank, with fresh lacerations from
Denise’s verbal whipping, the nighttime was
uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as the
looming press conference. At two o-clock in the
morning, he discreetly called an old friend.
Approximately thirty minutes later, a box arrived
containing a distraction from his mental and
emotional ailments.
Off the Pipes 14
NARRATOR TWO: When Dana arrived at eight, she found her
father staring blankly at the television.
MUSIC: CONTEMPLATIVE MOOD: OUT.
Beat 18) A new pain – the past
DANA: Dad? (BEAT) Dad. (BEAT: SNAPS ANGRILY) Dad.
CURTS: When’d you come in?
DANA: How’d you get that?
CURTS: A friend.
DANA: Some friend. Give me that; you don’t need it any
more.
CURTS: It’s just getting good.
DANA: Alright, whatever. Don’t blame me for what
happens.
CURTS: Turn it up.
DANA: Sure. It’ll drown out my screaming while I bang
my head on the floor.
CURTS: Turn it up first.
Beat 19) The past
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: ESTABLISH FOOTBALL CHEERS. UNDER TO
BED.
JACKSON: (COMES ON MIC: . . . It all comes down to this.
Frank Curts has put the Rivermen in a position to
win the Industrial Football League championship.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: FOOTBALL CHEERS.

Off the Pipes 15
JACKSON: If the Rivermen’s field goal kicker makes this
thirty-two yard kick they win the championship.
The kicker, Fred Gross, has had a very uneven
season. Early on he kicked a sixty-two yarder to
beat the Forge. Then the next week he missed an
easy one from twenty-two yards that would’ve
beaten the Silos.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: CHEERS FOR FIELD GOAL KICKER.
JACKSON: Gross trots onto the field almost stumbling along
the way. He lines up the kick and nearly trips.
The crowd is encouraging his every move.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: CHEERS FOR FIELD GOAL KICKER.
JACKSON: Curts will be the holder and calls out the
signals. It’s a perfect snap. Curts catches the
ball, places it down, and spins the seam toward
the goalpost. Gross moves toward the ball and he
. . . (WITH URGENCY) he falls onto Curts who
staggers to his feet with the ball and looks to
throw it.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: CHEERS FOR RIVERMEN.
JACKSON: Curts starts running toward the goal line. He’s
at the fifteen, the ten . . . there are blockers
in front of him. He’s at the five and he’s . . .

Off the Pipes 16
pulled down at the two. The game’s over on a
missed field goal and the Rivermen lose.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: DISAPPOINTMENT RIVERMEN LOSING.
UNDER AND OUT.
Beat 20) Back to the present
CURTS: Play it again.
DANA: Get ready for your press conference.
CURTS: I want to see it again.
DANA: What jacket do you want to wear?
CURTS: I said I want to watch . . .
DANA: (BITES CUE: HARSHLY) Mom says hello. (NORMALLY)
She hopes you’re retiring.
CURTS: (HOPELESSLY) What am I going to tell her?
DANA: That’s up to you. But I expect you to do what
you’ve always taught me.
CURTS: What did I teach you?
DANA: Always, always, always have a dream. And chase it
like a mad man. Or, a mad woman.
CURTS: What dream are you chasing, mad woman?
DANA: I’ll tell you later. For now, you have a press
conference in an hour.
Beat 21) Narrators
MUSIC: ESTABLISH SEGUE: UNDER TO BED.

Off the Pipes 17
NARRATOR ONE: Dana went to the hospital library to prepare
for the press conference and talk with her
mother. Neither were tasks she looked forward to.
NARRATOR TWO: Frank dressed with assistance from the
nurses. In pajamas cut to get over the cast on
his leg and a robe covering his bandaged left
shoulder, he was wheelchaired into the elevator
for the ride to the lobby.
NARRATOR ONE: When the elevator door opened, Mr. Jacobs,
the team owner, and Dana greeted him. As they
walked through a hallway, they passed a table of
champagne and glasses.
MUSIC: SEGUE: OUT.
Beat 22) Just before the press conference
CURTS: What’s all this?
JACOBS: To mark the occasion.
CURTS: I don’t understand.
JACOBS: The team wanted to recognize everything you’ve
done.
CURTS: And if I still want to play?
JACOBS: I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
DANA: The press conference is in here, Dad.
CURTS: Is your Mom here?

Off the Pipes 18
Beat 23) Present times
DANA: Hey, Dad. Some of the guys from the team are
here.
DONNIE: Hey, Frankie. How you?
DAVE: Curts you look lousy. You’d think while the Docs
are putting you back together they’d make you
easier on the eyes.
CURTS: This from someone whose face causes small
children to cry and cel phone calls to break up.
DONNIE: By the way, keep it short today, Frankie. I want
to enjoy some bubbly, right Mr. J.?
JACOBS: Special day fellows. No rules.
DANA: The press conference is through those doors. It
starts in a minute.
DAVE: Break a leg, Curts.
DONNIE: He already broke his leg.
DAVE: Then break the other leg. What do I know?
DONNIE: Just stop talking. You’re embarrassing.
CURTS: See you guys inside.
DONNIE: Okay, Frankie.
DAVE: Get your money back on that face job.
Beat 24) Back to Frank and Dana
JACOBS: If you’ll push the wheelchair, Dana, I’ll get the
door.
Off the Pipes 19
DANA: Sure thing, Mr. Jacobs.
JACOBS: One last thing, Frank. There’s a lot of people in
there. We’re counting on you.
DANA Ready, Dad?
CURTS: So where is your Mom?
Beat 25) The past
TOM: Hello, Frank. Good morning, Mr. Jacobs, Miss
Dana.
JACOBS: Good morning, Thomas.
DANA: Good morning, Mr. Daniels.
CURTS: Tom? “Handsome Tom” Daniels? I haven’t seen you
since you retired.
TOM: Five years ago this month. I heard you were
speaking today and didn’t want to miss it. Do you
remember the game against the Orchard? The one
they were beating us badly?
CURTS: We couldn’t do anything against them until the
last minute. Suddenly, I had time to throw.
TOM: You didn’t just throw. You threw tall, arching
passes.
CURTS: And you made some beautiful catches. What did
they start calling us after we won?
TOM: I’m not sure. But it sounded like Something,
Something, and Something.

Off the Pipes 20
CURTS: It was not Something, Something, and Something.
It was . . .
TONY: (BITES CUE) It was High, Wide, and Handsome.
Hello, men.
CURTS: (WITH RESPECT) Tony Wideman.
TOM: The “Wide” in High, Wide, and Handsome. How are
you?
TONY: Much better now that I am talking with the two of
you.
CURTS: Don’t tell me you’re here for the press
conference.
TONY: I’m here to make sure you don’t talk so long that
the press misses its deadlines.
TOM: You never did meet a microphone you didn’t like.
CURTS: What are you guys doing afterwards.
TONY: Whatever you want.
TOM: I’m in.
CURTS: Then it’s lunch and the return of High, Wide, and
Handsome.
Beat 26) Again, back to Frank and Dana
DANA: Are you ready, Dad?
CURTS: Let’s go.

Off the Pipes 21
Beat 27) Fielding questions
SFX: COME ON MIC: WALLA-WALLA OF REPORTERS CALLING OUT
TO HIM.
REPORTERS: “Frank, over here.” “How’s your leg?” “What
caused the concussion?” “Any other injuries?”
“Are you really retiring?”
JACOBS: (OVER WALLA-WALLA) Hold on a minute, fellas. Let
him get comfortable before you begin with your
barrage.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: OUT.
JACOBS: That’s better. You okay, Frank?
CURTS: Let it rip.
JACOBS: You heard him. Let it . . .
SFX: BITE CUE: WALLA-WALLA OF REPORTERS CALLING OUT TO
CURTS.
REPORTERS: “Frank, over here.” “How’s your leg?” “What
caused the concussion?” “Any other injuries?”
“Are you really retiring?”
CURTS: Broken, a hit to the head, and nothing.
JACOBS: I think there were four questions.
CURTS: No comment.
JACOBS: (BEAT) Well, uh, before he shares his news, we
have some, too. Due to Frank’s injury, the
Rivermen have signed Randy Stout to play

Off the Pipes 22
quarterback. His four years at Roberts County
Institute of Technology were spectacular and he
was twice voted Most Valuable Player in the
county. With great pride, the Rivermen introduce
Randy as their new quarterback. Randy, why don’t
you say a few words.
Beat 28) Frank’s being replaced
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: CHURNING AND ROILING. UNDER TO
BED.
NARRATOR ONE: So Frank Curts was being replaced after
sixteen seasons as the quarterback of the
Rivermen. Sixteen years of broiling under the
late summer sun and freezing in December snow.
NARRATOR TWO: Sixteen seasons of thrilling crowds with
impossible victories and breaking spirits with
improbable losses. He had taken the Rivermen and
their fans through every conceivable emotion
except one – he had not experienced the
exhilaration of winning championship.
NARRATOR ONE: And today was tailor-made for him to step
aside for the next Rivermen’s quarterback to lead
the quest for victory. Meanwhile, his pre-
arranged retirement merely needed his stamp of
concurrence to make it official.

Off the Pipes 23
NARRATOR TWO: All he had to do was step up to the
microphone and announce that his career was over.
Offer his appreciation and respect to the team
for letting him play for sixteen seasons.
NARRATOR ONE: All he had to do was step up to the
microphone and . . .
Beat 29) Frank tries to walk . . .
MUSIC: OUT.
JACOBS: Thank you very much, Randy. As you all know,
Frank Curts was hurt pretty bad last weekend.
There’s been a lot of people talking about his
health. We’ve gotten a thousand letters asking
how he’s doing. We though the best way to answer
those questions would be to have Frank speak for
himself and his future. He can’t quite walk yet
so Dana if you would . . .
CURTS: (BITES CUE: GRIMLY) I can walk.
JACOBS: (UNBELIEVING) Since when?
DANA: Let me push you in your wheelchair.
CURTS: Some other day.
JACOBS: You haven’t moved your legs since the game.
DANA: Then just stand up and I’ll bring you the
microphone.
CURTS: Deal.
Off the Pipes 24
JACOBS: But how?
CURTS: Like this . . . (BEAT) Steady, steady.
TONY: Frank, do you need a hand?
CURTS: No, I can do this. . . . Jeez, it hurts.
TOM: Frank, let me . . .
CURTS: (BITES CUE: HARD) NO!
DANA: Dad?
CURTS: (GENTLY) I’m okay but I can’t get up.
TONY: Can’t?
CURTS: (THROUGH PAIN) I can’t . . . stand up . . .
today.
Beat 30) . . . But speaks instead
DANA: Here’s the microphone.
CURTS: Thanks. I’d like to start by offering my
appreciation to Mr. Jacobs for having me on the
Rivermen’s football team for the past 15 years. I
applaud you.
SFX: WARM APPLAUSE.
CURTS: I would also like to thank my teammates, past and
present, for being here today. There is no finer
group of men anywhere.
SFX: WARMER APPLAUSE AND CHEERS.
CURTS: And, most importantly, I thank my wife, Denise,
and daughter, Dana, for their support and

Off the Pipes 25
encouragement this entire time. If I could ask
Denise to come up here . . . Denise?
DANA: She’s not here, Dad. She left a message for you
at home.
CURTS: How did she know what I’d do?
DANA: Same way I did.
CURTS: Anyway, I started this season talking about what
I might do after playing football. When I got
hurt, it seemed “after football” wanted to arrive
sooner than expected. But I spent most of last
night watching highlights of my time in the
league and remembering lots of faces.
DAVE: I still think you should get yours fixed while
you’re in here.
ALL: (LAUGHTER)
CURTS: My face may be beyond repair but my determination
has been restored. I came into the league to win
a championship and I have not given up that goal.
I will play again in the Industrial Football
League.
Beat 31) Reactions
SFX: BITE CUE: ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS AND APPLAUSE UNDER
AND OUT. WALLA-WALLA OF REPORTERS CALLING OUT TO
CURTS.
Off the Pipes 26
REPORTERS: “Back here, Frank.” “Over here, over here.”
“About the concussion?”
JACKSON: Frank, Frank.
CURTS: Go ahead, Sam.
JACKSON: Will your concussion cause any problems playing
again?
DANA: He’s more stubborn.
CURTS: Your Mom must’ve paid you to say that.
DANA: That’s one of my own.
CURTS: Stubborn is what Dana calls it. Maybe determined
is a more positive word. I want to walk away on
my own terms. By the way, where’s your partner?
DAUGHERTY: Over here. Do you have a timeline for
returning to the team.
CURTS: With them signing Randy, I’ll probably be fired
from the Rivermen . . .
JACOBS: (BITES CUE) Hold on. Nobody’s getting fired while
they’re lying in the hospital.
CURTS: I need to speak with my doctor about my rehab.
After we’ve talked, I’ll release a statement. I
don’t see Johnny anywhere, either.
DAUGHERTY: He’s getting ready to re-record the league
tribute.
Off the Pipes 27
JACKSON: He looked like he was coming down with something
so he stayed home.
Beat 32) Wrapping up the press conference
JACOBS: Are there any other questions about the Rivermen
or Frank?
REPORTERS: “Nothing here.” “I’m good.” “Should just
make my deadline.”
JACOBS: I want to thank everyone for coming out today.
Our next preseason game is against the Lumber.
DONNIE: Are we still having the bubbly?
DAVE: You are so painful to be around. The champagne
was for Frank’s retirement.
DONNIE: But he didn’t retire.
CURTS: We’ll keep it on ice for something really big.
Beat 33) Death of Johnny Parks
SFX: BITE CUE: LOUDLY ON: AMBULANCE SIREN.
JACOBS: What’s the disturbance about?
DANA: An ambulance pulled into the hospital with a
couple of police cars behind it.
SFX: COME ON MIC: EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIANS.
EMTS: “Clear the hallway.” “What’s his blood pressure?”
“Sixty over forty and falling.” “Come on, clear
the hallway.”
DANA: (CALLS TO EMTS) Who’s on the stretcher?

Off the Pipes 28
EMT ONE: Johnny Parks.
Beat 34) Homage
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: FUNEREAL AND RESPECTFUL. UNDER
TO BED.
NARRATOR TWO: The ambulance, with police escort, delivered
Johnny Parks to the hospital.
NARRATOR ONE: He had announced almost every memorable
sporting event in Roberts County over the last
fifty years. His voice was of such singular
quality that he was known as “The Pipes.”
NARRATOR TWO: He was simultaneously authoritative of
sports and its nuances and yet accessible to
casual listeners. He recognized the timelessness
of moments such as a cancer survivor pitching a
perfect game or a scrawny horse giving a
community hope.
NARRATOR ONE: He was a gifted storyteller whose announcing
skills were appreciated by fans and novices. But
now, his voice was silenced. And the press,
previously congregated around Frank Curts,
feverishly cranked out coverage on the passing of
Johnny Parks.
Beat 35) Implication’s of Johnny’s death
MUSIC: FUNEREAL AND RESPECTFUL: OUT.

Off the Pipes 29
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: FRENZY OF NEWS COVERAGE FOR DEATH OF
JOHNNY PARKS.
REPORTERS: “Never had a chance according to the E-M-
T’s.” “His doctor confirmed his health had been
failing.” “Something about re-recording a tribute
for the I-F-L.” “We’ll catch up with you later,
Frank.”
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: FRENZY OF NEWS COVERAGE FOR DEATH OF
JOHNNY PARKS: UNDER AND OUT.
TOM: Tough day for the league. Johnny Parks dies and
you don’t retire.
CURTS: Thanks, Tom. I’ll go back and tell Mr. Jacobs I
changed my mind.
TONY: You got a serious break by not retiring today,
Frank.
CURTS: (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, sure. Today’s been the
luckiest day of my life. Let me count the ways.
First, Jacobs is sore I didn’t retire. Second,
Denise is angry I didn’t retire. And, third, I
guaranteed I’d get back in the league and I may
not walk again.
TOM: You are an overachiever.
TONY: And talking before thinking has always been a
skill of yours.
Off the Pipes 30
Beat 36) Unseen realities
CURTS: So tell me how I’m lucky.
TONY: Jacobs is getting ready for the next game. He may
be sore for now, but he’s more concerned about
getting his new quarterback ready for the season.
TOM: The league will be focused on memorializing
Johnny Parks and his work for the past fifty
years.
CURTS: Which means what to me?
TOM: You can put things back together in the shadows.
TONY: And away from the spotlight.
TOM: Just make sure “putting things back together”
includes Denise.
TONY: Don’t forget her. It will be difficult to win if
she doesn’t understand why you’re doing this.
TOM: That’s priority number one.
Beat 37) Denise is gone
DANA: She’s not home.
CURTS, TOM, AND TONY: What?
CURTS: How do you know?
DANA: She called and said she packed a few bags. She’s
staying with friends for a while.
CURTS: Who friends?
DANA: Didn’t say.

Off the Pipes 31
CURTS: Where friends?
DANA: Didn’t say.
CURTS: Why friends?
DANA: You know why.
Beat 38) Impact on comeback
CURTS: I’ll never get back in the league.
TOM: That concussion must’ve been more severe than the
doctor realized.
TONY: Either that or he broke his common sense along
with his leg.
CURTS: Didn’t the two of you tell me I couldn’t win
without including Denise?
TOM: We said make her understand.
TONY: And it doesn’t have to be this exact minute.
TOM: Let the opportunity present itself. In the
meantime, I have to head out.
TONY: Same for me but get started on your rehab.
TOM: And keep us informed on your progress.
TONY: And let’s have lunch soon. Here’s to the return
of High, Wide, and Handsome.
Beat 39) Dana’s dream chasing
NARRATOR ONE: Frank stayed in Roberts County Memorial but
his physical therapy would have to wait. The
first order of business was looking forward to

Off the Pipes 32
watching the Rivermen’s new quarterback flail
helplessly in their next game.
NARRATOR TWO: Dana left Tuesday morning and was traveling
away from the team but she called Frank every day
to check on his progress.
NARRATOR ONE: On the few occasions she was in Roberts
County to see her father, she noted the progress
he was making with his rehab. For his part, he
asked her where she’d been and what she was
doing. She’s laugh and say, “Chasing dreams like
a mad woman.”
NARRATOR TWO: Although Frank professed ignorance of Dana’s
dreams, she’d told him many times of her desire
to coach in the I-F-L. And many times he had said
she’d never coach because she hadn’t played
professionally.
NARRATOR ONE: Years ago, she offered to play for the
Rivermen at no pay but the team’s owner and
coach, Mr. Jacobs, declined. She countered with
an offer to scout for the team and was quietly
hired. Although the rest of the team thought she
was in marketing, she was evaluating talent.
NARRATOR TWO: On one scouting trip several hundred miles
from the team, she stumbled upon a previously

Off the Pipes 33
unimaginable circumstance – women’s professional
football. She introduced herself to a league
official, asked for a tryout, and met with a
couple of teams. Before the evening was done, she
was hired.
NARRATOR ONE: For fourteen Tuesday evenings, three and one
half hours away from Roberts County, she was a
running back for the Drillers of the Mountain
Football League. During four weeks of practice,
three preseason games, and seven regular season
games, she blocked, ran, and tackled. And for
fourteen Wednesdays, she ached real football
aches while driving back to Roberts County. When
the season was done, she offered to play another
year.
NARRATOR TWO: While she played, she maintained her
scouting duties with the Rivermen. But the
bruises she earned playing for the Drillers
sharpened her scouting with the Rivermen. Her
game experience gave her insight to see valuable
skills when reviewing obscure or lightly regarded
Roberts County players. She recommended them to
Mr. Jacobs . . . and they succeeded. Just as many

Off the Pipes 34
times she encouraged him to pass, or decline, on
“can’t miss” prospects who ultimately did miss.
NARRATOR ONE: And her scouting for the Rivermen helped the
Drillers prepared for their opponents. Several
games were won due to Dana’s preparation and play
calling. As a result, several game balls were
given to her in appreciation.
NARRATOR TWO: In the last regular season game of her
second year, with the team preparing for the
league championship, some familiar voices called
to her as she walked off the field.
Beat 40) Found out!
ALL: (WALLA-WALLA OF CHEERING FANS)
FANS: “Great game.” “Wicked impressive.” “Let’s go,
Drillers.” “Good luck in the championship.”
DONNIE: (CALLS TO DANA) Dana? Dana Curts?
DAVE: Is that you?
DANA: (SINKING FEELING) Oh, no.
DONNIE: What are you doing?
DAVE: Donnie, you really are painful to be around.
She’s walking off a football field in pads,
jersey, pants, and spikes and carrying her
helmet. What do you think she’s doing here,
washing cars?
Off the Pipes 35
DONNIE: I meant, what is she doing playing football?
DAVE: Exactly, what are you doing playing football?
DANA: Why are you guys here?
DONNIE: My family lives fifteen minutes from here. We
heard there was a game tonight so we came over.
DAVE: You haven’t answered our question: What are you
doing playing football here?
DANA: I’m trying to get a coaching job in the I-F-L.
DAVE: It’s tough to get hired as a coach without
playing experience.
DONNIE: That’s why she’s playing. Now who’s painful to be
around?
DANA: A couple of years ago I asked Mr. Jacobs for a
coaching job but he said the same thing. Then I
asked him to scout for the team and he said okay.
DAVE: You’ve been scouting for us?
DANA: I signed Jennings and McCoy.
DONNIE: (IMPRESSED) Good eye.
DANA: Last year I was scouting new players and found
about the Mountain Football League. I asked for a
tryout and the Drillers took me on as a running
back. I block more than I run but I’ve caught
some passes and scored a few touchdowns.
DONNIE: Your Dad must be really proud.

Off the Pipes 36
DANA: He doesn’t know and Mr. Jacobs doesn’t know.
Nobody knows . . . except you.
DAVE: You have to tell your Dad.
DANA: (PUSHES BACK HARD) No. I’m not telling anyone.
DAVE: But he’ll support you.
DANA: When the season’s over, maybe I’ll tell him and
Mr. Jacobs.
DAVE: Then we’ll have to be the ones to . . .
DONNIE: (BITES CUE) . . . Respect you decision. We won’t
tell your Dad or Mr. Jacobs.
DANA: Thank you so much.
DAVE: But . . .
DONNIE: (BITES CUE) Glad to help. Break a leg in the
championship game.
DANA: So long guys. (GO OFF MIC: CALLS TO THEM) See you
back in Roberts County.
Beat 41) Supporting her dream
DAVE: It’s difficult for me to even think this, let
alone say it, but I’ll try. You’re planning
something.
DONNIE: Yes.
DAVE: What?
DONNIE: The Rivermen will be here to cheer for Dana and
her team in the championship.

Off the Pipes 37
DAVE: You said we wouldn’t tell anyone.
DONNIE: Correction; I said we wouldn’t tell her Dad or
Mr. Jacobs.
DAVE: So everyone else is fair game?
DONNIE: Correct.
DAVE: You’re brilliant. You really are brilliant. I’ll
bet your whole “stupid” thing is just a disguise.
DONNIE: Not really.
Beat 42) Narrators
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: SUPPORT RE-PLOT AND BUILD FOR
CHAMPIONSHIP. UNDER TO BED.
NARRATOR TWO: Dana’s preparation for the Drillers’
championship game was balanced with her scouting
work for the Rivermen. Players were critiqued,
evaluated, and assessed and the results were sent
to Mr. Jacobs.
NARRATOR ONE: But the championship took on added
importance. Two extra practices were held and
Dana participated in each.
NARRATOR TWO: Finally, the game day arrived. On the second
Tuesday in November, the audience was a bit
larger and a lot louder due to a cheering section
of players from the Rivermen. And the game
provided plenty of reasons to cheer.

Off the Pipes 38
Beat 43) Cheering for Dana
MUSIC: CHAMPIONSHIP BED: OUT.
ALL: (WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL CHEERS.)
RIVERMEN: “Go Drillers.” “Come on, Dana.” “Let’s go,
Drillers.”
PA ANNOUNCER ONE: The Drillers have driven the length of
the field in less than two minutes and stand
seven yards from winning the championship.
PA ANNOUNCER TWO: The Drillers’ quarterback drops back to
throw a pass and the rush is on. She’s going to
be tackled to end the game . . .
PA ANNOUNCER ONE: (BITES CUE) . . . But Dana Curts throws
a crushing block. The Drillers’ quarterback gets
free and launches a pass towards the end zone and
it’s . . . CAUGHT FOR A TOUCHDOWN! The Drillers
win the game!
PA ANNOUNCER TWO: The Drillers are the champions of the
Mountain Football League.
ALL: (WALLA-WALLA OF WILDLY ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS)
RIVERMEN: “Go Dana, go Dana.” “Go Dana, go Dana.” (BED:
WALLA-WALLA OF CHEERS)
DAVE: Here she comes. (CALLS TO DANA) Dana, over here.
RIVERMEN: (MORE CHEERS)
DANA: (AMUSED) You’re back?

Off the Pipes 39
DONNIE: We’re cheering on our favorite Driller.
DAVE: You said we couldn’t tell your Dad or Mr. Jacobs
so we told the team. Great, great game. That
block you threw on the final play left a bruise
on me.
DONNIE: Let us buy you dinner.
DANA: I was going to grab a bite with the team.
DAVE: Then let our team buy dinner for your team.
DANA: They’d like that. A lot of them follow the
Rivermen. Maybe they have some tips on how to
play better.
RIVERMEN: (LAUGH) Dana! Dana! Dana! Dana! (CHEERS: UNDER TO
BED)
Beat 44) Narrators
NARRATOR TWO: The November championship was a privately
exhilarating but publicly quiet time for Dana.
Not only did she make the block which allowed her
quarterback to throw the winning pass, she called
most of the offensive plays. But neither her play
or play calling, nor the resulting the victory,
were shared with her parents.
NARRATOR ONE: Further, the glow of her championship
quickly began to dim. In December, her father’s
team, the Rivermen, missed the playoffs for the

Off the Pipes 40
second year in a row. He played well but critics
began talking about a need for him to retire.
NARRATOR TWO: In the new year, her scouting duties began
taking her farther away from the team and for
longer periods of time. Three-day trips became
five-day trips. Traveling once or twice a month
became three, four, or more times a month.
NARRATOR ONE: At the end of June, after a grueling pace of
seventeen trips in twenty-one weeks and only four
weeks before the Drillers would begin practicing
for their season, she collapsed in her parents’
home and slept for two days. When she woke up,
she requested a meeting with Mr. Jacobs.
Beat 45) With Mr. Jacobs
DANA: Thanks for meeting with me, Mr. Jacobs.
JACOBS: Welcome back, Marathon Woman. We’ve kept you busy
this year.
DANA: Have you received all my reports?
JACOBS: Like clockwork. I always know its Tuesday because
that’s when your reports come in.
DANA: Did you see the one about Fred Gross, the kicker?
JACOBS: Funny coincidence. We had a kicker named Gross a
few years ago. Didn’t work out so well.
DANA: No coincidence. It’s the same guy.

Off the Pipes 41
JACOBS: He cost us a championship. Missed an easy kick
because he was high on something called chipped
beef or broken glass.
DANA: He was smoking crack and I know all about the
championship. To this day, my Dad still refuses
to say his name.
JACOBS: Despite that guy, your Dad almost won that game
for us. He started running at the fifteen yard
line and at the two he was finally dragged down.
But it took the entire team to stop him.
DANA: Gross has cleaned up his life. He’s been off
drugs for ten years and he runs a youth sports
program that specializes in field goal kicking.
JACOBS: That’s all well and fine but we don’t run a
charity here.
DANA: He’s been keeping himself in great shape and his
leg’s still strong. He was kicking them through
the pipes from seventy yards out the day I saw
him.
JACOBS: I’ll look at your report . . . as a favor to you.
Was there anything else?

Off the Pipes 42
Beat 46) Dana’s plan
DANA: I want to talk with you about my scouting work
for the team. There’s something else that has
come up.
JACOBS: If you are looking for more money, just ask. You
are our best scout.
DANA: I have an offer from another team.
JACOBS: (SURPRISED) Would you work for another I-F-L
club?
DANA: It’s a different team in another league. They are
the Drillers in the Mountain Football League.
JACOBS: I’ve never heard of them but I’ll make you a
Senior Scout and double your salary.
DANA: I worked with them last year.
JACOBS: How about the title of Vice President of Scouting
Operations?
DANA: They want me to start again next month.
JACOBS: I give up, name your price. What did they offer
you?
DANA: I’m a running back.
JACOBS: I can’t have my Vice President of Scouting
Operations playing running back.
DANA: I want to split my time between the Drillers and
the Rivermen. Let me scout and be here on game

Off the Pipes 43
day and the rest of my time will be with the
Drillers.
JACOBS: This is about coaching, isn’t it?
DANA: Yes, sir.
JACOBS: It’s good to be young. Your Dad must be proud of
you.
DANA: He doesn’t know and I was trying to keep it from
him.
JACOBS: I don’t pretend to know how you get along with
your Dad but you should consider telling him
about this.
DANA: I will, when the time is right. You have my word.
JACOBS: Deal. Is there anything you need?
DANA: I’m looking for a better. The one I have now is
life or death at any moment.
JACOBS: There are some dealers around the county that
might be able to help.
DANA: Used will be fine.
JACOBS: Nothing doing. The Drillers’ running back
deserves to go in style. New car style. Make the
Rivermen proud.
Beat 47) Narrators
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: DRAWN OUT DRAMA. UNDER TO BED.

Off the Pipes 44
NARRATOR ONE: So began Dana’s long, hot summer as a
running back for the Drillers and scout for the
Rivermen. July’s heat melted into August’s
humidity.
NARRATOR TWO: Four weeks of practice turned into three
pre-season games with two wins and one loss. The
first regular season game, as defending Mountain
Football League champions, was a resounding win.
NARRATOR ONE: But two days later was when her father,
Frank Curts, was badly injured in a pre-season
game with the Rivermen of the Industrial Football
League. For two days he was unconscious at
Roberts County Memorial Hospital.
NARRATOR TWO: When he regained consciousness, Dana,
Denise, and Doctor Jones explained the extent of
his injuries. Doctor Jones hinted at the
potentially career-ending nature of the damage to
his shoulder.
NARRATOR ONE: A press conference was held to announce his
physical condition. When his turn came to speak,
and with his family, friends, teammates, and
doctor expecting him to announce his retirement,
Dana watched as he confounded everyone by

Off the Pipes 45
declaring his intent to play again in the
Industrial Football League.
NARRATOR TWO: Teammates cheers and fans applauded, but
others were less joyous. His wife, Denise, who
had planned for years to travel after retiring
from their respective careers, packed her bags
and moved out.
NARRATOR ONE: Mr. Jacobs, owner of the Rivermen, would
have to resolve the problem of managing Frank’s
return in midseason after signing a flashy young
quarterback. And Dana, after practically no sleep
during the preceding four days, drove to the
Drillers’ field for their second game.
NARRATOR TWO: Her performance on the field reflected her
lack of sleep and distracted mental condition.
The team played poorly and they lost
convincingly. Compounding the losses were the
bruises she got from bigger, stronger opponents.
NARRATOR ONE: She drove through the night to get back to
Roberts County and collapsed in her father’s
house. Her bruises worsened the next day when she
visited her father in the hospital.
MUSIC: DRAWN OUT DRAMA: OUT.

Off the Pipes 46
Beat 48) Dana’s return
DANA: Hi, Dad.
CURTS: (CAUSTICALLY) So you finally came back.
DANA: It’s good to see you, too. How are you feeling?
CURTS: I called the house all night looking for you.
DANA: I was working.
CURTS: All night long?
DANA: Did someone forget your distemper shot?
CURTS: I don’t need a distemper shot. Where were you?
DANA: Maybe you need a tranquilizer. Let me see if I
can find a nurse to give you a shot in your . . .
Beat 49) Relief, for Dana
DOCTOR: (BITES CUE: LOUDLY) Well, how’s the patient.
CURTS: Needing earplugs.
DANA: Slightly irritable with definite signs of
crankiness.
DOCTOR: We have shots for that.
DANA: I wouldn’t mind giving him one myself.
DOCTOR: They really sting.
DANA: Then how about two?
DANA AND DOCTOR: (LAUGH)
CURTS: (DRILY) Hospital humor. Ha ha.

Off the Pipes 47
Beat 50) Pain for Curts
DOCTOR: This won’t be so humorous. The extent of your
injuries is greater than we first expected.
There’s some concern about how quickly and to
what extent you’ll be able to regain the use of
your leg.
CURTS: Forget mere signs, I’m full-blown cranky with
early onset of aggravated.
DOCTOR: Further, we’re not sure if you’ve recovered from
your concussion.
DANA: Let me see if he knows his name. (TO CURTS) Dad,
who are you?
CURTS: Aggravated.
DANA: (TO DOCTOR) He knows who he is.
CURTS: What about my shoulder?
DOCTOR: Ah, yes, your pitching arm.
CURTS: (ANGRILY) Football. I play football, throw
passes, run, and block. Twenty years I’ve been
coming to you and you still don’t know I play
football.
DOCTOR: (TERSELY) I am fully aware of your profession and
its proper nomenclature.
CURTS: Nomad culture?
DANA: Nomenclature. Long word for “names.”

Off the Pipes 48
DOCTOR: For your information, this is your condition: You
will probably never lift your passing arm above
your shoulder again.
Beat 51) Donnie and Dave are comic, but not relief
DAVE: (BEAT) Did someone say the new quarterback has an
arm like a gun?
DONNIE: I cracked a rib trying to catch one of his
passes.
DANA: What are you guys doing here?
DONNIE: A bit of patient care. I’ll need some myself from
catching that pass.
DAVE: The guy didn’t make anymore effort than swatting
a fly. Pretty magnificent stuff.
CURTS: You’re not making the patient better.
Beat 52) Doctor leaves
DOCTOR: You’re in good hands, Curts. I’ll stop back
later. And it won’t kill you start getting out of
bed. You haven’t been in therapy once.
CURTS: But I want to finish our conversation. (BEAT:
CALLS TO DOCTOR: ANGRILY) Doctor!
DONNIE: Let him go, Frank.
DAVE: We are here to cheer you up.
DANA: As a precaution, please note we have requested a
distemper shot. Or a muzzle.

Off the Pipes 49
DONNIE: I had one of those when I was twelve and didn’t
sit down for a week.
CURTS: Don’t you have somewhere to go. Preferably for a
very long time?
DAVE: We’re heading off to the stadium.
DONNIE: Extra practice with the new quarterback.
DAVE: Not that his arm needs it.
CURTS: That’s it. (BUILDS BURN) Why don’t . . .
DANA: (SENSING BURN) . . . We should probably . . .
CURTS: . . . The three of you . . .
DANA: . . . Go on ahead . . .
CURTS: . . . Leave . . .
DANA: . . . And go . . .
DANA AND CURTS: (PEAK) NOW!
Beat 53) Narrators and game three
NARRATOR TWO: The doctor’s prognosis was discouraging for
Frank. But to have teammates rave about his
replacement was disheartening.
NARRATOR ONE: The Rivermen lost again that night. But the
new quarterback did not flail helplessly and
Curts sensed he saw the makings of his
replacement. Dana visited him after the game and
his demeanor had changed from irritable bordering
on aggravated to introspective.
Off the Pipes 50
Beat 54) Irritable to introspective
DANA: (WHISPERS) Dad?
CURTS: Come on in.
DANA: I wasn’t sure you’d be awake. We lost again.
Pretty badly, too.
CURTS: How was the new guy?
DANA: (UNCOMFORTABLY) He’s okay. (CHANGES SUBJECT) Any
good movies on?
CURTS: I saw the game. He made some good throws.
DANA: I don’t want to talk about this.
CURTS: (INSISTING) He’s got real potential.
DANA: (GRUDGINGLY) Yes, he’s got potential. Mr. Jacobs
said he did some things he hadn’t seen . . .
CURTS: (BITES CUE) Since I was a young quarterback?
DANA: Yes.
CURTS: Is Jacobs trying to force me to retire?
DANA: Mr. Jacobs is trying to win football games.
Anybody that can help, and I mean anybody, will
have a chance to play for the team.
CURTS: (GLOOMILY) Even a beat up quarterback who’s
played seventeen seasons and has a broken leg and
busted shoulder?
DANA: I wouldn’t say those things about you.
CURTS: (BRIGHTENS) Really?

Off the Pipes 51
DANA: This is only your sixteenth season.
CURTS: (DRILY) Although you are my daughter, I
thoroughly despise you.
DANA: (LAUGHS) And I love you, too, Dad. Get some
sleep. I’ll be back to have breakfast with you
before I go to work.
Beat 55) Narrators
NARRATOR TWO: Dana left her father and encouraged him
again to sleep but he couldn’t. There was no
obvious way he could resume playing. His career
was over and the realization ate his soul.
NARRATOR ONE: Twice he dialed Denise’s telephone number to
tell her he couldn’t play anymore. But that was
not the same as retiring. Twice he hung up.
NARRATOR TWO: All he knew was football. And he knew that
his body was not capable of playing. It was the
same body which Doctor Jones had done more to
repair than Curts had done to rehabilitate.
Dana’s words of “Anybody that can help will have
a chance to play for the team” let loose a flame
of anger and it engulfed him.
NARRATOR ONE: Ten feet from his bed was the door to his
room. During his entire stay in the hospital, he
had not walked through the door. (RE-PHRASE FOR

Off the Pipes 52
EMPHASIS) He had not even stood up nor taken a
single step since his injury. That was about to
change. At eleven o-clock he put his feet on the
floor and headed towards the door.
NARRATOR TWO: An hour later, and drenched in sweat, Frank
reached the door. He was panting and gasping and
the pain throbbed in his leg. He caught his
breath and headed back towards his bed. After one
o-clock in the morning, he collapsed back in his
bed and slept until Dana woke him.
Beat 56) Dana returns
DANA: Dad? (BEAT) Come on, Dad, wake up.
CURTS: Don’t you know it’s bad luck to wake the dead?
DANA: It’ll be worse than that if you don’t get up. I
saw Doctor Jones a few minutes ago and he’s going
to drag you into physical therapy. Dad, get up,
he’s headed this way and . . .
DOCTOR: (BITES CUE: LOUDLY) Mr. Curts, we have to talk.
CURTS: (IMITATES DOCTOR: LOUDLY) Doctor Jones, about
what?
DOCTOR: Your lack of progress with your physical therapy.
In fact, you haven’t started.
CURTS: I started last night.
DOCTOR: It doesn’t show anywhere on your charts.

Off the Pipes 53
CURTS: Well, Doc, your charts are wrong.
DANA: But I was here until almost eleven.
CURTS: After you left, I got pretty mad at myself for
not making more of an effort to get well. So I
walked from my bed to the door and back.
DANA: Nicely done, Dad.
DOCTOR: All you had to do was start moving the leg or
maybe stand up. In your condition, it must have
taken you . . .
CURTS: (BITES CUR) Over an hour to the door and another
hour to walk back.
DOCTOR: How did it feel?
CURTS: Burned like crazy and I almost screamed once. But
it never buckled.
DOCTOR: Fine. But from now on rehab with a therapist
present.
Beat 57) Jacobs appears
DANA: Dad, I’ve got to head to the office. Mr. Jacobs
and I are meeting in a few minutes.
JACOBS: Why not start the meeting now? I took the liberty
of ordering breakfast for all of us and it should
be here any minute. That way, we can get caught
up on some details here.

Off the Pipes 54
CURTS: Thank you, Mr. Jacobs. I hope I haven’t caused
you any problems by wanting to get back into the
league.
JACOBS: None at all. In fact, I owe you an apology. I’ve
been so focused on getting the new quarterback
ready to play that I never thanked you for
everything you’ve done for the Rivermen. You were
the core of a fine team that played hard all the
time.
CURTS: I appreciate the chance you gave me to play for
the Rivermen. With Doc’s help, I’ll try to play
again.
DOCTOR: The fool walked across his room at midnight.
Could have cracked open his skull or aggravated
his injuries if he fell.
JACOBS: (LAUGHS ROBUSTLY) That’s the Frank Curts I know.
Always following his own path.
DANA: Mr. Jacobs, I don’t mean to be the one to say it,
but we are expecting guests for our meeting at
your office.
JACOBS: And it wouldn’t look good if I was late for my
own meeting.
CURTS: But what about breakfast?
DANA: We can stop along the way.

Off the Pipes 55
JACOBS: (TO FRANK) Frank, learn to stand before you walk.
And Doc, make sure stays in physical therapy.
Tranquilize him if you have to.
DANA: Might I give you a lift, Mr. Jacobs?
JACOBS: Thanks.
DANA: (TO CURTS) Dad, I’ll be back to have dinner with
you before the game. (TO JACOBS) This way, Mr.
Jacobs.
Beat 58) Dana’s roots
SFX: ON MIC: TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS ON HOSPITAL TILE.
JACOBS: Your Dad seems to be showing some spark.
DANA: He finally got angry enough with himself to take
action.
JACOBS: He never was one to do things when other people
wanted him to. (BEAT) Kind of like you.
DANA: Me? How so?
JACOBS: Only another Curts would recommend we re-sign the
kicker that cost us a championship because he was
high on chipped or broke or whatever.
DANA: Crack. And he hasn’t touched it in ten years.
JACOBS: I’ll let you share the news with your Dad.
DANA: I’ve already taken care of that.

Off the Pipes 56
Beat 59) Narrators
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: DRAMATIC AND TENSE. UNDER TO
BED.
NARRATOR TWO: The player who “cost the Rivermen a
championship” was field goal kicker, Fred Gross.
When the news that Gross had been re-signed by
the Rivermen, one of its current team members
screamed in disbelief:
CURTS: (DISBELIEF: LOUDLY) Gross? What’s going through
Jacobs’ head?
DANA: Maybe he wants to win some football games.
CURTS: He’s a crack head.
DANA: Mr. Jacobs is a crack head?
CURTS: (ANGRILY) Noooo!
NARRATOR ONE: Dana had expertly anticipate and sidestepped
a discussion with her father about the re-signing
of Fred Gross. But she did not expect the
encouraging sentiment she received for her father
during his rehabilitation.
NARRATOR TWO: All around Roberts County, fans and
residents offered well-wishes for his quick
recovery and return to the game. Her teammates on
the Drillers and their fans in the Mountain
Football League supported her father’s recovery.

Off the Pipes 57
NARRATOR ONE: She brought up the sentiments during a
lunchtime conversation at an elegant restaurant
with her mother, Denise.
Beat 60) Lunch with Denise
SFX: ESTABLISH REFINED DINING ESTABLISHMENT.
ALL: (ELEGANTLY) “Oh, yes, we attended that just the
other evening.” “Naturally we’ll be there during
the holidays. Who wouldn’t?” “There really isn’t
any other place for entertaining guests that is
half as marvelous.”
DANA: Thanks for coming out to lunch with me, Mom.
DENISE: I’d been meaning to call you. I’ve been so busy I
didn’t realize it had been a week since we were
out.
DANA: It’s been hectic for us, too. We’re bringing in a
new quarterback and other players.
Beat 61) “How’s your Dad?”
DENISE: How’s your Dad handling all the changes?
DANA: He’s rehabbing away from the team. The leg’s
coming along but he’s frustrated with his
shoulder. He’s concerned about re-injuring it.
DENISE: He is the only one who cares if he plays for the
Rivermen again.
Off the Pipes 58
DANA: That is what I though at first. But at the press
conference, the one you didn’t go to . . .
DENISE: (BITES CUE) I remember. Go on.
Beat 62) Support for his return
DANA: At the press conference, when he announced he
would return to the league from his injuries,
everyone cheered and applauded. Over the last
month, everyone I talk with has sent along
greetings to him and the Rivermen.
DENISE: Everyone wants him to recover. That is no
surprise.
DANA: (COUNTERS) It is more than that. A lot of people
want him to play again. Some people grew up
watching him and others are fans of the Rivermen.
There’s a lot of interest in having him back on
the team.
DENISE: (DISMISSES DANA) One or two people around the
county offering benign, good-natured sympathies
is not a groundswell of support.
DANA: It is more than one or two people around the
county.
DENISE: If you say so, dear. I have got to head back to
the office. Lunch is on me. I know the Rivermen
do not pay their marketing staff so well.

Off the Pipes 59
DANA: My job has changed and now I . . .
DENISE: (BITES CUE) Yes, dear, in a moment. (CALLS TO
WAITER) Waiter.
WAITER ONE: Yes, ma’am.
DENISE: Check please.
WAITER ONE: No need, ma’am.
DENISE: (SURPRISED) I don’t understand.
WAITER ONE: Unless we’re mistaken, you’re the family of
Frank Curts.
WAITER TWO: We’ve been cheering for him for years.
WAITER THREE: We listen to his games every Thursday while
we work here.
WAITER FOUR: When the games run late, we keep the
restaurant open and listen with customers.
WAITER THREE: You’d be surprised how many times complete
strangers have sat around a radio and cheered for
a guy they’ve never met.
DENISE: They must be fans of the team.
WAITER TWO: They are fans of one guy doing his best no
matter what the circumstances.
WAITER ONE: We have a gift for him but don’t know how to
get it to him.
WAITER FOUR: It is a bottle of Champagne du Saint
Therese.
Off the Pipes 60
DENISE: That’s an outstanding sparkling wine. What year
is it?
WAITER THREE: All years are good years for Saint Therese.
WAITER TWO: There is a card inside. We would appreciate
it if you would let him know we are still
cheering for him.
DANA: Still think it is only “one or two people around
the county?”
Beat 63) Denise’s crazy hours
DENSIE: We will talk some more at a later date.
DANA: How about dinner?
DENISE: I have been working crazy hours.
DANA: You call me when you are available. Take the
champagne and give it to Dad the next time you
see him.
DENISE: Can I crack it over his head?
DANA: He has had a lot of christenings lately. (CALLS
TO WAITERS) Thanks for lunch and the champagne.
We will make sure Frank gets along your message
and encouragement.
WAITERS: “Tell him we said good luck.” “We want to see him
play again.” “Come back soon.” “And bring Mr.
Curts.”
SFX: REFINED DINING ESTABLISHMENT: OUT.

Off the Pipes 61
Beat 64) Narrators
NARRATOR ONE: Denise would see Frank sooner than she
expected and under uncomfortable circumstances.
NARRATOR TWO: The crazy hours she was working included
seminars, conferences, and social events.
Frequently she joined her colleagues and clients
for dinner and other evening engagements and
appointments.
NARRATOR ONE: Meanwhile, Frank’s physical therapy was long
days of stretching and mobility for flexibility
and weightlifting for strength.
NARRATOR TWO: On sunny days, he rode his bicycle around
the county. His legs regained past power while
fans cheered his spirit. On rainy days, his
routine was indoors where his endurance and
determination were tested in solitude.
NARRATOR ONE: On the Monday after his team’s first regular
season game – dreadful loss in which the Rivermen
made a dispirited effort lacking in focus against
the previous season’s worst team – Frank appeared
unannounced at Mr. Jacobs’ office.
NARRATOR TWO: Although they had spoken several times by
phone since Frank’s injury, they had not seen
each other since breakfast in his hospital room.

Off the Pipes 62
NARRATOR ONE: Jacobs had heard of Curts’ long workout
routines and the progress he was making. The
owner of the Rivermen had wondered if the
grueling sessions had diminished or enhanced
Curts’ determination to re-join the team. It
didn’t take Mr. Jacobs long to find out.
Beat 65) Frank’s request
JACOBS: Thanks for stopping by, Frank.
CURTS: I’ll only keep you a minute.
JACOBS: Go ahead.
CURTS: I’d like to start practicing with the team.
JACOBS: What has Doc Jones said about contact?
CURTS: No hitting or blocking but pretty much everything
else is okay.
JACOBS: I have heard you’ve been working out.
CURTS: My legs are like trees. I can drive nails with
them.
JACOBS: And the shoulder?
CURTS: Work-in-progress. Doc says it is ready to throw
but I am . . .
JACOBS: (BITES CUE) . . . Afraid of re-injuring it.
CURTS: Something like that.
JACOBS: (CHANGES TONE) Hmmm, did you see our game last
week?
Off the Pipes 63
CURTS: Too painful to watch but I listened on the radio.
Jackson and Dougherty made it sound good.
JACOBS: They called a good game but we were lousy. No
heart and no soul. Bunch of players that don’t
believe.
CURTS: How’s your new quarterback?
JACOBS: He has the skills and he is ready to lead the
team but . . .
CURTS: (BITES CUE) . . . But the team won’t follow.
Tough spot.
JACOBS: Tough spot. We’re practicing now and I am going
back to the field. Want to join us?
CURTS: I did not bring any gear with me to practice
today.
JACOBS: Can you see your locker from here?
CURTS: (BEAT: AMAZED) There’s a pair of shorts and a
jersey in it.
Beat 66) A little fun
JACOBS: Are you up for a little fun?
CURTS: What do you mean?
JACOBS: (WITH EMPHASIS) Are you up for a little fun?
CURTS: (WITH EQUAL EMPHASIS) Yes, but don’t put me on
the spot for anything.
JACOBS: Good. Let me make a phone call.

Off the Pipes 64
SFX: JACOBS PICKS UP AND DIALS DESK TELEPHONE. BEAT.
RINGS TWICE. BEAT. RINGS TWICE AGAIN.
JACOBS: Hello, Dana.
CURTS: Don’t tell her I’m here.
JACOBS: (TO CURTS) Don’t worry, it’s okay. (TO DANA)
Dana, how would you like to break a story for the
team? (BEAT) Frank Curts – yes, your Dad, Frank
Curts – will be on the Rivermen’s practice field
in fifteen minutes. (BEAT) No, it’s not a rumor.
I have it from a very reliable source. (BEAT) Of
course, we would like to invite some folks from
the press to join us. (BEAT: CONTINUE WITH
ENTHUSIASM) Great idea. Get as many fans as you
can to come out to the field.
SFX: JACOBS PUTS DOWN DESK TELEPHONE.
JACOBS: Some friends of yours are already here. Why don’t
you change and let’s walk out to the field
together.
MUSIC: SEGUE.
Beat 67) Return of a gunslinger
SFX: COME ON MIC: WALLLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL PLAYERS
GOING THROUGH DRILLS.
RIVERMEN: “On the count of three go. One, two, three – GO!”
“Keep the player out of the end zone.” “It’s all

Off the Pipes 65
about speed and your has to be faster than his.”
“Everybody RUN!”
DANA: Kate and Sam. Thanks for coming over on short
notice.
JACKSON: We appreciate the exclusive but more lead time
helps a lot.
DOUGHERTY: Even exclusives need to make deadlines.
DANA: I think you both know Thomas Daniels and Tony
Wideman.
DOUGHERTY: Hi, Wide. Hello, Handsome.
JACKSON: What’s the angle on the story?
TOM: Don’t know.
TONY: We got a call from Dana asking us to come over as
quickly as possible.
DOUGHERTY: Dana, I need a news story to justify having
a crew here.
DANA: Countdown from five, four, three, two, one . . .
NOW!
JACOBS: (WITH ECHO) Ladies and gentlemen, joining the
Rivermen in practice for the first time in five
weeks, the team’s all-time leading passer, Mr.
Frank Curts!
SFX: CHEERING AND APPLAUDING: LOUDLY.

Off the Pipes 66
FANS: “Stand tall, Rivermen. Stand tall.” “Glory has
returned.” “Onto the field walked a champion.”
DONNIE: (CHEERING) Welcome back, Johnny.
DAVE: The best of the gunslingers has returned.
DANA: There’s your news.
DOUGHERTY: Will he talk with us?
DANA: Ask him.
JACKSON: (CALLS TO CURTS) Hey, Frank.
DOUGHERTY: Can we have a couple of words?
CURTS: Hi Sam, Kate. I’m sorry about Johnny.
JACKSON: Your wreath made it to the funeral home.
DOUGHERTY: The card had a thoughtful sentiment. Never
knew you could write.
CURTS: He always gave me a break.
JACKSON: Pretty dramatic entrance. How soon do you think
you can help the team?
CURTS: For now, I am glad to be on the field with the
Rivermen.
DOUGHERTY: How’s your rehab?
CURTS: I’m still feeling the injury to my shoulder but
my legs are strong.
DOUGHERTY: So it’s run around for now and start getting
back into game shape.
CURTS: Pretty much. I’m re-learning the offense.

Off the Pipes 67
Beat 68) Challenger
JENKINS: (GROWLS) You never knew the offense to begin
with.
RIVERMEN: Oooohhhh.
CURTS: I know you don’t mean that, Jenkins.
JENKINS: I mean every word, Curts. Right here and right
now, just me and you. I challenge you to the Ten
Second Take Down.
TONY: Let me block this clown for you, Frank.
CURTS: (TO TONY) Save it, Tony. (TO JENKINS) Allright,
Mad Dog. Me against you. Bring me down and you
win.
DONNIE: Mad Dog has never lost a Ten Second Take Down.
DAVE: Twenty seasons and no losses.
JACOBS: Remember what the Doc said. No contact.
CURTS: Mad Dog needs the reminder. (TO JENKINS) Come on,
Jenkins. On the count of three. One, two, THREE!
SFX: CHEERING FOR CURTS AND JENKINS: LOUDLY AND
ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
RIVERMEN: Ten, nine . . . “Come on, Frank.” “Get him,
Jenkins. Get him.”
DONNIE: Jenkins has him.
DAVE: He’s going to tackle Frankie.
RIVERMEN: Five, four, three . . .

Off the Pipes 68
DAVE: Frank got away.
DONNIE: Jenkins will never catch him.
RIVERMEN: Two, one, zero. (CHEER: LOUDLY)
DAVE: He did it.
TONY: Men, that is a leader.
TOM: You okay, Frank?
CURTS: (GASPING) Never . . . (PANTING) . . . better. How
about you, Mad Dog?
JENKINS: You always were the toughest guy in the league.
Glad to see you haven’t lost anything.
Beat 69) Narrators
NARRATOR ONE: After Frank won the Ten Second Take Down
against Mad Dog Jenkins, he introduced himself to
the Rivermen’s new quarterback, Randy Stout. They
spoke for an hour and Frank shared his
experiences of playing in the league. As much as
he went out of his way to talk with Stout, he
went equally out of his way to avoid Fred Gross.
NARRATOR TWO: Sam Jackson and Kate Dougherty prepared an
hour long special for that evening. The team’s
practice was in the program as were interviews
with Frank, Tony, and Tom.

Off the Pipes 69
NARRATOR ONE: And High, Wide, and Handsome were together
when they sat down for dinner in one of the
county’s finer restaurants, Sotto Marie.
Beat 70) Dining at Sotto Marie
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: CLASSICAL DINING MUSIC.
SFX: UP AND ESTABLISH FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT.
WAITERS: “Tonight’s special is braised lamb with
hollandaise sauce.” “We have several chardonnays,
but I think a pinot grigio would be superior.”
“Excellent choice. I’ll bring that right away.”
CURTS: Excuse me. My name is Frank Curts and I have a
reservation for three at eight o-clock.
WAITER ONE: Frank Curts of the Rivermen?
WAITER TWO: Frank Curts who is all over the news?
WAITER THREE: Frank Curts whose special is coming on
television right now?
CURTS: I do play football.
TOM: You’re on the television, Frank.
TONY: Can we sit at the bar? I’d like to see my
interview.
WAITER FOUR: (WITH AWE) You must be Tony Wideman.
WAITER TWO: (WITH AWE) And you are “Handsome Tom”
Daniels.
Off the Pipes 70
WAITER THREE: High, Wide, and Handsome are Rivermen
legends. Sotto Marie is completely at your
service.
WAITER ONE: Anything you want is on the house. (CALLS TO
THE WAITERS) What’s on the menu for our guests?
WAITER TWO: Full complement of appetizers from bahai
cholla to calamari.
WAITER THREE: Main courses are lamb, steak, and shrimp.
Tonight’s special is lobster.
WAITER FOUR: Dessert is between the lightest fluffiest
tiramazu you’ve ever tasted, the world’s most
chocolatey mousse, or, my favorite, the cheesiest
cheesecake.
CURTS: How about a little bit of everything and we’ll
share it.
WAITER ONE: It is Sotto Marie’s pleasure. One
smorgasbord coming up. To the kitchen.
TOM: This will be great.
TONY: I look pretty good on television.
Beat 71) Dining disaster
CURTS: Is that, no it can’t be. (BEAT) Yes it is. That’s
Denise at the table in the corner.
TOM: Don’t Frank. She’s with other people.
TONY: Let’s think this through, men.

Off the Pipes 71
CURTS: We’re still married. I’ll be back.
Beat 72) It’s Denise . . .
SFX: ON MIC: CURTS’ FOOTSTEPS. COME ON MIC: WALLA-WALL
OF DENISE AND COLLEAGUES.
DENISE’S COLLEAGUES: “I have never been here before.”
“The interior design is brilliant.” “And
everything on the menu looks delicious.
DENISE: My daughter and I were here a month ago and it
seemed like a perfect place to . . .
CURTS: (BITES CUE) Hello, Denise.
DENISE: (STARTLED) Frank. It’s a surprise to see you
here.
CURTS: I’ll bet.
DENISE: (TO COLLEAGUES) Everyone, you remember my
husband, Frank.
MALE COLLEAGUE: Good evening, Frank.
FEMALE COLLEAGUE: Hi, Frank.
DENISE: The firm is entertaining a prospective client.
CURTS: I can see the entertaining part but I don’t see
the client.
Beat 73) . . . on a date!
RANDY: (BITES CUE: WITH ENERGY) I’ve spoken with the
club and we have two tables reserved. Denise and

Off the Pipes 72
I will be in the back and everyone else is down
front.
CURTS: Convenient . . . for you and Denise.
RANDY: (CONTEMPTUOUSLY) Who are you?
DENISE: Allow me the honor of introductions. Randy . . .
CURTS: Another Randy? I’m replaced twice in one day by a
guy named Randy?
DENISE: Randy, this is, Frank . . .
RANDY: (BITES CUE: WITH BRAVADO) Hi, Frank.
DENISE: He’s my husband.
RANDY: (DEFLATED) Oh.
DENISE: Frank played for the Rivermen.
CURTS: I still play for the Rivermen.
RANDY: Are you the guy that beat Mad Dog Jenkins in the
Ten Second Take Down?
CURTS: (PLAYS IT UP) Mad Dog had never lost in twenty
season.
RANDY: My Dad’s a huge fan. Can I have an autograph?
CURTS: Who should I make it out to?
RANDY: Randy, Senior.
CURTS: This is an epidemic, right?
RANDY: Excuse me?

Off the Pipes 73
CURTS: Nothing. (TALKING WHILE AUTOGRAPHING) To Randy
Senior . . . Best Wishes . . . Frank Curts of the
Rivermen.
RANDY: My Dad will appreciate this. Take care, we’re off
to Club Gwynne.
CURTS: Yeah, take care. Enjoy the club, . . . Denise.
Beat 74) Aggravation
SFX: ON MIC: CURTS’ FOOTSTEPS. COME ON MIC: TOM,
TONY, AND WAITERS
TOM: This appetizer is the best I’ve ever had.
TONY: The only thing better than this appetizer is
eating it while I’m on television.
CURTS: (ANGRILY) Let’s get out of here.
TOM: How did it go?
CURTS: She has a date with a guy named Randy.
TOM: Isn’t that the name of the guy that replaced you?
CURTS: Yes, Randy is the name of the guy that replaced
me. Now let’s go.
TONY: I’m not running away from Denise or Randy or
anyone else.
TOM: You didn’t back down from Mad Dog Jenkins.
CURTS: Mad Dog doesn’t have legs like Denise. Or her
smile.
TOM: You’re right.

Off the Pipes 74
CURTS: See what I mean?
TONY: See what’s behind you?
CURTS: Behind me? What the . . . (BITES CUE) . . .
hello, Denise.
Beat 75) Then worse
DENISE: I have something for you.
TOM: Don’t expect legs, Frank.
TONY: Although you might be able to get some smile.
DENISE: Thanks for noticing.
CURTS: Where’s Randy?
DENISE: He’s having his driver pull up the limousine.
TOM AND TONY: Oooohhhh.
DENISE: This is for you.
CURTS: A bottle of champagne?
TOM: That’s no ordinary sparkling wine.
TONY: It’s Champagne du Saint Therese.
CURTS: What year.
TOM: All years are good years with Saint Therese.
TONY: I’ll bet Randy knows that.
DENISE: Dana and I were here earlier in the month and the
waiters made me promise to take it to you.
CURTS: There’s card attached.

Off the Pipes 75
DENISE: Apparently the waiters would listen to you play
while they worked on Thursday nights. Even kept
the place open when the games ran late.
CURTS: Nice touch, and appreciated.
DENISE: I don’t know what you’re trying to prove by
playing again but you don’t have to impress me.
CURTS: It’s not about impressing you. It’s about
reaching for something I may never have.
DENISE: That could be said for a lot of things.
RANDY: (BITES CUE) Denise, the car is here.
DENISE: Frank, when you see Dana, give her this message:
I kept my promise.
CURTS: About the champagne?
DENISE: About a lot of things.
Beat 76) Frank’s resolve hardens
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: DRAMATIC AND CONTEMPLATIVE.
UNDER TO BED.
NARRATOR TWO: Frank watched Denise walk out of the
restaurant. Every step she took away from him
further hardened his resolve to play again.
NARRATOR ONE: The balance of the dinner was a two-sided
conversation between Tom Daniels and Tony
Wideman. Their attempts to engage Frank were as

Off the Pipes 76
ineffective as throwing grapes at a wall to knock
it over.
NARRATOR TWO: As the evening ended, Frank offered a line
of dialogue:
CURTS: Would you two help me on the practice field
tomorrow? Say, seven in the morning.
TOM: I doubt if you’ll get another interview that
early.
TONY: Probably no standing ovation from fans.
CURTS: I want to start throwing. Need to get some
strength back in my shoulder.
TOM: I’ll bring coffee, black, all ways round.
TONY: Doughnuts are on me.
CURTS: Let the throwing begin.
Beat 77) Dana’s departure
NARRATOR ONE: Frank left them behind and drove home.
Expecting to see Dana, a message was waiting for
him on his telephone:
DANA: (FILTERED) Hi, Dad. Mom called and told me the
details. Sorry, but at least you got the
champagne. I’ll be on the road for a couple of
days so don’t hold dinner for me. (LAUGHS) Hang
in there, Dad. Love you, Dana.

Off the Pipes 77
Beat 78) Big victory for Dana
NARRATOR TWO: Dana was driving to join the Drillers. The
team’s record was three wins and two losses and
their next opponent was the league’s current
leader, the Miners.
NARRATOR ONE: The stands were packed with Driller fans and
a dozen Rivermen players. They were pleased when
the Drillers won easily. Dana played a strong
game and ran for two touchdowns.
Beat 79) Fuel for Rivermen
NARRATOR TWO: The next day, the Rivermen who watched Dana
play were energized in practice. Mr. Jacobs saw
the change and asked Frank, Tom, and Tony to join
the team. The energy galvanized and a competitive
spark flickered within the team.
NARRATOR ONE: The next night, in their second regular
season game, the spark ignited into a full flame
and carried the team to its first victory. Their
locker room echoed with cheers.
NARRATOR TWO: Only Fred Gross, the field goal kicker, was
absent from the festivities. He missed two kicks
which could have made the going easier. He
dressed quickly and left.

Off the Pipes 78
Beat 80) Drillers get another victory
NARRATOR ONE: The next week, the Drillers won their
seventh and final regular season game, Dana was
greeted with a familiar chorus from the Rivermen:
RIVERMEN: Go Dana, go Dana. Go Dana, go Dana. (CHEERS)
DONNIE: One more game, Dana.
DAVE: Then back to back champions.
DANA: Thanks for making the drive guys. We appreciate
your support.
DAVE: We’ve got something bigger planned for the
championship.
DONNIE: So big you may have to expand the stadium.
DANA: It’s a good thing we skip a week before the
championship. We’ll need the extra time to get
the stadium ready.
RIVERMEN: Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana. (UNDER AND OUT)
Beat 81) Fuel for two more Rivermen victories
NARRATOR TWO: The Rivermen’s enthusiasm for Dana’s success
carried into their efforts. They won their second
game, and then their third during the week the
Drillers prepared for the championship of the
Mountain Football League.
NARRATOR ONE: Frank’s throwing shoulder was regaining
strength. Although he couldn’t throw it as far as

Off the Pipes 79
he used to, he was much more accurate. As his
therapy progressed, he grew more confident in his
ability to play again.
NARRATOR TWO: Fred Gross continued to be the one point of
concern. His leg had plenty of power but his
accuracy was suspect. With each substandard
performance, he was less willing to join the team
for functions beyond practices and games. He
often left the locker room before the entire team
was off the field.
Beat 82) Drillers’ big game
NARRATOR ONE: However, there were no concerns for the
Drillers in the championship game. They were
totally focused on their opposition, the Miners.
NARRATOR TWO: And the Drillers brilliantly executed the
plays Dana called and won their second Mountain
Football League championship in two years.
Afterwards, Dana got her big surprise.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF CHEERING FANS.
RIVERMEN: “All bow to the great Dana.” “Champion of the
Mountain Football League.” Dana, Dana, Dana,
Dana. (UNDER TO BED)
DONNIE: You were brilliant, Dana.

Off the Pipes 80
DAVE: Best play calling I’ve seen in years. The Miners
didn’t have a chance.
DANA: Thanks guys. We really appreciate your support.
DAVE: I’ll bet you’re wondering what your surprise is.
DONNIE: And what could be such a big deal.
DANA: I’m just glad you guys are here. There’s no need
for any kind of a . . .
JACOBS: (BITES CUE) Great game, Dana.
DANA: (SURPRISED) Mr. Jacobs!
JACOBS: You called a fine game out there. Used every
Drillers player to the best of their abilities.
Just brilliant.
DANA: Thanks, but I’m sure you didn’t drive three and
one-half hours to see my play calling.
Beat 83) Coordinator job for Dana
JACOBS: Yes, I did. Our offensive coordinator had to step
away from the team for health reasons.
DANA: I am so sorry for him.
JACOBS: The early prognosis is good. Doc Jones thinks
he’ll make a full recovery.
DANA: I’ll be back with the team tomorrow and can start
briefing the interim coordinator by noon.
JACOBS: That’s not good enough.
DANA: I can drive back tonight if that will help.

Off the Pipes 81
JACOBS: I need someone who’s played the game, called
plays at a championship level, and knows our
team. I want you to take the job.
DANA: It’s what I’ve been planning for, sir. But I
never played in the I-F-L and the team may not
listen.
JACOBS: Half of them team watched you win a championship
tonight and the other half watched you win last
season. Besides, we’re in a tough spot.
DANA: Can we do it without telling my Dad?
JACOBS: The logistics may be a bit tough but if that’s
what it takes, then okay.
DANA: Deal. Let me get my gear and I’ll be back in ten
minutes.
Beat 84) Rivermen stumble badly
NARRATOR ONE: The next day and one half was a crush of
meetings and diagrams behind closed doors. She
analyzed the Rivermen and looked for ways to win.
On the field, however, the team did not reflect
her preparation.
NARRATOR TWO: After the crushing loss, reporters swarmed
around Jacobs looking for an explanation for the
Rivermen’s poor performance.

Off the Pipes 82
Beat 85) Press conference
REPORTERS: “What happened tonight?” “The offense never
got started.”
DOUGHERTY: Jacobs, over here.
JACOBS: Go ahead, Kate.
DOUGHERTY: Except for your kicker, it seemed like the
offense never got into a rhythm.
JACOBS: You’re right. Gross made all four of his kicks.
But the struggles of our offense was my fault.
Our coordinator had to step away for health
reasons . . .
JACKSON: (BITES CUE) Is he okay?
JACOBS: Tests will be back soon. Until then, keep him and
his family in your thoughts and prayers.
JACKSON: What about the offense.
JACOBS: For the rest of the season, I’m calling the
plays.
DOUGHERTY: When it was clear the Rivermen were going to
lose, was there any thought of putting in Curts?
JACOBS: Randy’s our quarterback.
DOUGHERTY: Frank could’ve gotten some game time that
might be useful later in the season.
JACOBS: (ANGRILY) If there are no other questions, we’ll
stop here. Good night everyone.

Off the Pipes 83
Beat 86) Jacobs and Dana talk
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF REPORTERS, PLAYERS AND COACHERS:
UNDER AND OUT.
REPORTERS: “we’ll be back in the morning.” “Their
opponents don’t get easier.” “Next week’s one of
the toughest.”
SFX: QUIET.
DANA: I did better calling plays for the Drillers.
JACOBS: We need you to think like you did with them. You
won by getting the most from each player.
DANA: Back there, half the teams were bigger than us
and the other half were faster.
JACOBS: Same here. And just like the Drillers, we’ve got
a ton of brains. It’s the only advantage we have.
DANA: If brains were weapons, we’d be powerful.
JACOBS: Can you make us a deadly smart football team?
Preferably by practice tomorrow morning?
DANA: I’ve got an idea but it’s crazy and may not work
here. Everyone on the Drillers had a role on and
off the field. We had streams of intense focus
that made us smarter than the opposition. That’s
how we won.
JACOBS: Practice is at nine. I’ll be back at eight-
thirty. Are we good?

Off the Pipes 84
DANA: We’re good. By the way, what are you going to do
about my Dad. He’ll want to play since we lost.
JACOBS: At this moment, it’s a step backwards for us if
he does. As long as we win, I don’t have to play
him. Your job is to make us win.
DANA: I’ll see you at eight-thirty.
Beat 87) Dana’s plan
NARRATOR ONE: Dana's plan relied on the Rivermen knowing
the opposing team as well as their own. Everyone
would be responsible for identifying who from the
other team was on the field and what they tended
to do.
NARRATOR TWO: Dana would analyze input from the Rivermen
suggest plays to Jacobs. He would have the final
say.
NARRATOR ONE: The next morning, after talking with Dana in
private, he presented the game plan for the next
week’s game.
Beat 88) Selling the plan
JACOBS: The rest of the schedule is pretty daunting.
Everyone’s bigger or faster than us. That leaves
us one option.
DONNIE: I’m not quitting, Mr. Jacobs.

Off the Pipes 85
JACOBS: Nobody’s quitting, Donnie. But we’re going to use
our brains. Collectively and individually, we’re
going to outthink out opponents.
DAVE: Mr. Jacobs, I don’t mean any disrespect, but I’m
not sure each of us can outthink much more than
an apple.
DONNIE: Speak for yourself, Dave.
DAVE: I was.
JACOBS: Then we’ll learn. Before our games, each of us
will be responsible for keeping tabs on one or
two of the defensive players. We’ll identify
whose on the field and I’ll call the best play to
run. If we get everyone involved we have a chance
to win. Today we’ll start on our own defense.
Everybody has a sheet with his name on it and who
they are watching.
DAVE: Mr. Jacobs, unless you’re expecting our brains to
run, pass, and tackle, we don’t have a chance.
JACOBS: I know it looks bleak but a lot of time was spent
developing this. I remember Johnny Parks
describing a team like ours from about thirty
years ago. He said:
“Brains are the power,
“Developed each hour,

Off the Pipes 86
“Nothing else is quite the same.
“Better than brawn,
“Smart giants are drawn,
“Who go out and win each game.”
Let’s start drawing our championship today.
Beat 89) Many voices, a single vision
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF PLAYERS PREPARING FOR PRATICE.
RIVERMEN: “This one’s yours.” “You’re over here.” What if I
don’t have a sheet.” “You can’t read anyway.”
NARRATOR TWO: The Rivermen began assembling their offense.
Everyone had a role and everyone had
significance.
NARRATOR ONE: Their many minds and many voices became a
single vision for extracting the best performance
from each player.
Beat 90) A single vision, many victories
NARRATOR TWO: The team beat the Silos and then the
Orchard. Smiles and cheers were the order of both
days.
NARRATOR ONE: Quietly, Fred Gross, the kicker, was
producing significant results. His kicks never
lacked distance. Now they were accurate, too.
NARRATOR: TWO: Not so quietly, Frank Curts made it known he
was ready to play. He could still, in his words,

Off the Pipes 87
“win any game from anywhere on the field, at any
time.”
NARRATOR ONE: Jacobs acknowledge the progress Curts was
making with his physical therapy. He would play
when he was the best player the team needed at
that moment. In the meantime, the team won again
without him.
NARRATOR TWO: As the season wound down, the Rivermen were
the third best team in the league. However, only
the top two would play for the championship.
NARRATOR ONE: Before the last game of the season, Mr.
Jacobs spoke to the team before it went on the
field.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA IN LOCKERROOM.
JACOBS: (OVER SFX) During the last three weeks, you have
played with a spirit, a passion, and an
intelligence which has been remarkable. You have
beaten bigger teams and faster teams because you
have been a smarter team. Stop for one moment and
celebrate yourselves with a round of applause.
SFX: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE: WARMLY.
JACOBS: Everyone knows we are one game behind the Lumber
for second place. But what we’ve done in the past
three weeks, and how we’ve done it, has become

Off the Pipes 88
legendary. Everybody is talking about us and how
we value every voice. Other teams are copying our
style. Let’s play this game to show them smart
football, intelligent football, real football.
Let’s show them Rivermen football!
SFX: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE: ROUSING AND SUSTAINED.
RIVERMEN: “We are – Rivermen.” “We are – Rivermen.”
“Rivermen, Rivermen, Rivermen, Rivermen.”
Beat 91) Victory
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: ENERGETIC MARCHING BAND. UNDER
TO BED.
NARRATOR TWO: The Rivermen with intelligence and passion.
NARRATOR ONE: As the game ended, Sam Jackson and Kate
Dougherty broadcast the results.
JACKSON: The Rivermen have made one of the most remarkable
turnarounds in the team’s history.
DOUGHERTY: One month ago, they were sliding into
mediocrity. But since installing its “Many minds
with a single vision” philosophy, the team has
steamrolled its opponents.
JACKSON: However, they find themselves most likely
watching the championship rather than playing for
it.
Off the Pipes 89
DOUGHERTY: (BITES CUE) Sam, we’re getting an update
from the Lumber game. With two seconds left, the
Lumber’s opponent are lining up for a long field
goal to win the game. This would knock the Lumber
out of the playoffs.
JACKSON: They needed to win to play for the championship
but the Silos are giving them all they handle.
DOUGHERTY: The Silos snap the ball, it’s placed down,
and the their kicker Eric Jenko slams his foot
into the ball and sends it as far and as straight
as he can and it is . . . GOOD! The Lumber lose
and the Rivermen will play for the championship.
Beat 92) But not for everyone
ALL: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE: RAUCOUS, ENTHUSIASTIC, AND
SUSTAINED.
NARRATOR ONE: The Rivermen and their fans deliriously
cheered their unexpected chance to play for the
championship.
NARRATOR TWO: But a stranger delivered a message to Fred
Gross and Gross immediately dropped to one knee
in prayer. A moment later he and the stranger
left. All of which was seen by Dana, Tom, and
Thomas.
Off the Pipes 90
Beat 93) Curious behavior
DANA: Who’s that with Gross?
TOM: And where are they going?
TONY: (CALLS TO GROSS) Hey. Gross.
DANA: Come on guys, I might need some backup.
TOM: They went over there, through the stadium gate.
DANA: My car’s over here.
TONY: Not the Dana Death Trap.
DANA: New car. It’s the black, low-slung affair.
TONY: New car?
DANA: Promotion. I’ll tell you later. Get in!
Beat 94) In pursuit
SFX: THREE CAR DOORS OPEN, THEN CLOSE. BEAT. ENGINE
STARTS AND ROARS AWAY. UNDER TO BED.
TONY: Fourth Street is one of the worst sections in the
county.
TOM: I’m glad we took your car.
DANA: They pulled over and went into that warehouse.
End of the story, this isn’t for us.
TOM: I’m going in there.
DANA: (DISBELIEF) What?
TONY: No need for heroics, Tom.

Off the Pipes 91
TOM: The guy hasn’t done anything with the team except
practice and play. Everybody has a life and my
guess is that this building holds some of his.
DANA: Pretty shabby state of affairs, even for Fourth
Street.
TOM: (COUNTERS HER) From the outside.
TONY: I’m in. Let’s go.
Beat 95) They go inside
SFX: THREE DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE. THREE SETS OF
FOOTSTEPS ON CEMENT SIDEWALK.
DANA: Which building did he go into?
TONY: The most burned out one.
DANA: That’s not encouraging.
TOM: I hear people talking.
TONY: In here.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: COME ON MIC.
FRED: When I got the message, I dropped to one knee and
prayed. Then I came straight here.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA: CONCERNED.
FRED’S FRIENDS: “I wonder where she went?” “I hope
she’s okay.” “Should we call the hospital?
TOM: Hello, Fred.
FRED: (ANGRILY) What are you doing here?
TONY: We wanted to celebrate with our teammate.

Off the Pipes 92
FRED: You’ve celebrated, now leave.
DANA: Who are these people?
FRED: Nobody you or the Rivermen want to know.
TOM: Unless I’m wrong, these are people Fred has
helped get off crack.
FRED: We help them get off and stay off.
TOM: And the stranger that spoke to you after our game
told you someone was in trouble.
FRED: We heard one of the younger ones was shooting up
in a warehouse and we scoured the are looking for
her. We picked this burned out building on Fourth
Street as our pre-arranged meeting place.
ERIC: (BITES CUE: WITH URGENCY) Fred. (BEAT) Bad news.
TOM: (WITH WONDER) Aren’t you Eric Jenko?
TONY: The kicker that just beat the Lumber to put the
Rivermen in the championship game?
FRED: Yes, that Jenko. Let him talk.
ERIC: She won’t be coming.
FRED: She was doing so well.
ERIC: I went straight over as soon as I got the message
but the police were already there.
DANA: If she needs bail money then I can . . .
TONY: (BITES CUE: GENTLY) I don’t think that’s the
problem.
Off the Pipes 93
TOM: Bail money won’t help.
ERIC: The service is Sunday at Our Lady of Grace.
FRED: We’ll be there.
DANA: You could have told us what you were doing.
FRED: Like you told your Dad you were playing women’s
professional football?
ERIC: Father said he would meet with us tonight.
DANA: Let us go with you.
TONY: Maybe that’s not our place.
TOM: Maybe not, but our experience might help. (TO
FRED) Fred, twenty years ago, I drank a lot. Got
fired from the Rivermen and nearly lost my life.
But I had someone who helped me get my life back
on track. He’ll join us, if you let him, when you
meet with Father.
TONY: Who are you talking about, Tom?
TOM: Mr. Jacobs. He got me help and when I showed I
was ready to play again, he hired me back.
FRED: (HESITATES) I don’t know . . .
ERIC: She might still be with us if we had more help.
FRED: Okay, okay. Meet us at Our Lady of Grace at
midnight.
Off the Pipes 94
Beat 96) Narrators
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: SOMBER AND THOUGHTFUL. UNDER TO
BED.
NARRATOR TWO: Fred offered a short prayer. Then he and
Eric gathered together their shaken family for
the somber meeting with Father. Tom called Mr.
Jacobs who left during the team’s celebration and
he went to the church immediately.
NARRATOR ONE: Everyone left the burned out warehouse
together and went to Our Lady of Grace. Little
did they know they were being watched from the
shadows of the building. Nor were they what they
began to hear about then read in the newspapers.
NARRATOR TWO: Rumors began circulating through the team
that a player was under surveillance by the
police. Then unconfirmed stories appeared in the
papers about a Rivermen player on the verge of
being arrested. Then the story became an
unidentified team member was close to being fired
for drug use.
NARRATOR ONE: Next came headlines about one of the
Rivermen supporting a group of drug users.
Finally, three days before the championship game,
the newspapers ran a headline that Rivermen

Off the Pipes 95
kicker, Fred Gross, was linked to heroin use.
Another paper wrote that Gross was connected to a
recent fatal overdose.
NARRATOR TWO: Both articles cited unknown sources close to
the investigation. That same day, Mr. Jacobs
addressed the team over the articles.
Beat 97) Team meeting
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF RIVERMEN.
RIVERMEN: (ANGRILY) “No one should be going to the press
about a teammate.” “We don’t want a drug user on
the team.” “He hasn’t been charged.” “But if he’s
doing drugs, he should be.”
JACOBS: (OVER RIVERMEN) Allright, allright. I have
something to say.
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF RIVERMEN: UNDER AND OUT.
JACOBS: First, I apologize to Fred for the way he’s been
treated by his own teammates. Second, to the
“unknown sources” on the team, I will not let you
disrupt our preparations for this game. An third,
I am embarrassed by the team. As a consequence,
today’s practice is over.
RIVERMEN: (NGRILY) “We have a practice in three days.” “You
can’t just cancel it.” “We can’t win if we don’t
practices.”
Off the Pipes 96
JACOBS: (ANGRILY) We can’t win if we are undermining each
other. (NORMALLY) For that reason, I’ve named
Fred as honorary captain for the game. Anyone who
objects will do say as an ex-Rivermen. If that’s
settled, let’s practice.
Beat 98) Narrators
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: TENSE UNDER CURRENT. UNDER TO
BED.
NARRATOR ONE: Practice had an edgy atmosphere. The entire
team feared Jacobs’ words about becoming an ex-
Rivermen.
NARRATOR TWO: But there was robust speculation, unheard by
Jacobs, on who had created the rumors and
stories. Gross continued his standoffish by being
last to arrive to practice and first to leave.
NARRATOR ONE: When championship game day arrived, Sam
Jackson and Kate Dougherty announced the action.
Beat 99) Let the game begin
SFX: WALLA-WALLA TO ESTABLISH FOOTBALL GAME FANS.
UNDER TO BED.
JACKSON: Welcome to the seventy-fifth Steel Bowl, the
championship of the Industrial Football League.
I’m Sam Jackson and joining me is Kate Dougherty.

Off the Pipes 97
DOUGHERTY: Thanks, Sam. It’s a cold snowy Christmas Eve
in Roberts County. This is the final game of a
season marked by tragedy and controversy. Before
the regular season started, Johnny Parks,
legendary announcer of the I-F-L, passed away.
JACKSON: Next, Frank Curts, longtime quarterback of the
Rivermen, fueled speculation that he might
retire. After a severe injury during the pre-
season, he hasn’t played a game since.
DOUGHERTY: Then, three days ago, the Rivermen were
rocked by stories of drug use by their kicker,
Fred Gross. The team responded swiftly and Coach
Jacobs showed his faith in Gross by naming him
honorary caption for today.
JACKSON: The distractions couldn’t have come at a worse
time. We asked Jacobs and Gross about the
distractions but neither wanted to comment.
DOUGHERTY: But we caught up with Frank Curts moments
ago to get his comments about playing in what may
be his final game.
Beat 100) A few words with Frank
SFX: WALLA-WALLA OUT.
DOUGHERTY: Frank, I don’t think this is how you
imagined your final season.

Off the Pipes 98
CURTS: I’ve rehabbed from my injury and gotten ready to
play.
DOUGHERTY: Plus, your team’s been in the headlines
recently.
CURTS: We’ve focused on preparing for today’s game.
DOUGHERTY: You shoulder’s ready if Jacobs calls on you.
CURTS: I can still win any game from anywhere on the
field.
DOUGHERTY: Good luck, Frank.
CURTS: Thanks.
Beat 101) Back to the game
SFX: UP AND ESTABLISH: WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL GAME
FANS. UNDER TO BED.
DOUGHERTY: Curts’ confidence seems ready to carry the
Rivermen to victory.
JACKSON: It’ll take more than that for the team to win.
They’re playing the Capitals, last year’s
champions and the best team in the league this
year. But Coach Jacobs found an inspiration from
thirty years ago. Back then, Johnny Parks wrote
two verse about a team playing faster and
stronger opponents. He titled the lines “Smart
Giants” and they read like this:
DOUGHERTY: “Brains are the power,

Off the Pipes 99
“Developed each hour,
“Nothing else is quite the same.”
JACKSON: “Better than brawn,
“Smart giants are drawn,
“Who go out and win each game.”
DOUGHERTY: Parks wrote the piece about the last
Rivermen team to win a championship.
JACKSON: The game’s set to start . . . Fred Gross sends a
long kick to Capitals and the action’s underway.
DOUGHERTY: The Capitals receive it at their five, the
ten, the fifteen and the runner sprints into the
open. He’s at midfield, to the thirty, and only
Gross can stop him now. They collide at the
twenty and Gross is leveled. Into the end zone
the runner goes for a touchdown. And Fred Gross
is holding his left leg.
DOUGHERTY: In less than ten seconds, the Capitals take
the lead and on that play the “Smart Giants” were
neither.
Beat 102) Narrators
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: ANXIOUS AND DRAMATIC. UNDER TO
BED.
NARRATOR TWO: It was a disheartening start for the
Rivermen. They received the kickoff and began on

Off the Pipes 100
offense. High above the stadium, unknown to
everyone except Coach Jacobs, Dana called plays.
NARRATOR ONE: After the initial excitement of the
Capitals, neither team did much. Then, late in
the second quarter, the Rivermen came to life on
offense.
NARRATOR TWO: Down the field they moved. Dana mixed passes
and runs that took advantage of the Capitals few
weaknesses. With seconds left in the half, Sam
Jackson made this call.
Beat 103) Rivermen score
JACKSON: Rivermen quarterback, Randy Stout, calls signals.
He has the team two yards away from a chance to
tie the score. The ball is snapped and he throws
it into the end zone for a . . . TOUCHDOWN!
SFX: QUICKLY UP AND SUSTAIN: ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE.
DOUGHERTY: The Rivermen have marched down the field and
scored a touchdown. Fred Gross can tie the score
with one swing of his foot.
JACKSON: Gross is set and he signals the holder. The ball
is snapped . . . (WITH URGENCY) . . . and it’s
dropped by the holder. Gross picks it up and

Off the Pipes 101
heads toward the goal line but he’s smothered by
Capitals.
DOUGHERTY: The first half ends with the Rivermen
trailing seven to six and Fred Gross is limping
badly.
Beat 104) Narrators
NARRATOR ONE: Gross wasn’t the only one struggling.
Although it had scored on the last play,
enthusiasm in the team’s locker room was low.
NARRATOR TWO: Jacobs noted the lack of any energy and
spoke to the team in somber tones. Meanwhile,
Dana reviewed her plays from the first half to
see where should make adjustments.
NARRATOR ONE: The Rivermen received the kick off to start
the second half. They had some success but kicked
it away to the Capitals. The team exchanged one
more punt each and then the Rivermen began to
move.
JACKSON: Randy Stout has got the Rivermen going upfield
again. His passes have kept the Capitals guessing
and he drops back to throw again.
DOUGHERTY: (BITES CUE) But he’s intercepted and the
Capitals will run this back for another touchdown
and they begin celebrating. They line for the

Off the Pipes 102
extra point and – it’s good! The Capitals lead is
now fourteen to six.
JACKSON: The Rivermen will have to get another drive going
if they want to have any chance of winning. The
kickoff comes down to them their runner is hit –
and fumbles! The Capitals recover and this could
be the beginning of the end for the Rivermen. A
touchdown here could make things difficult.
Beat 105) Narrators
NARRATOR ONE: But the Rivermen defense did not yield the
touchdown and their opponent lined up for an easy
field goal. But before the Capitals could try the
kick, Sam Jackson saw these events unfold.
Beat 106) Mad Dog into the game
JACKSON: Jacobs has called a timeout. He doesn’t like the
players on the field and he sends in . . . (TO
KATE) . . . Kate, am I seeing that right?
DOUGHERTY: You are, Sam. Jacobs is sending in Mad Dog
Jenkins. Jacobs is whispering something to
Jenkins and he holds up ten fingers.
JACKSON: Jacobs is shaking his head no and Mad Dog holds
up five fingers. Mad Dog holds up three fingers
and Jacobs smiles.

Off the Pipes 103
DOUGHERTY: Unless I’m wrong, Jacobs has challenged Mad
Dog to take down the Capitals kicker in three
seconds. Jenkins trots onto the fields, points to
their kicker then to himself and holds up three
fingers.
JACKSON: Most of the Capitals are laughing and shaking
their heads. But the Rivermen are taking Jenkins
seriously and they line up to rush. The ball is
snapped and placed down and . . .
DOUGHERTY: (BITES CUE) Jenkins blocks the kick and
recovers it. Mad Dog Jenkins has blocked the kick
and recovered it in a single motion. And the
Rivermen are still alive.
Beat 107) Narrators
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: DRAMATIC. UNDER TO BED.
NARRATOR TWO: Jenkins brilliant moment inspired the
Rivermen and they were on the march again.
NARRATOR ONE: First a pass, then two runs, followed by two
passes and the Capitals were reeling. And Sam
Jackson sent the Rivermen fans into delirium with
this call.
Beat 108) “Rivermen nation is screaming”
JACKSON: Randy Stout is looking at a touchdown seventeen
yards away. He takes the snap and lofts a high

Off the Pipes 104
arching pass into the end zone . . . AND IT’S
CAUGHT! There is no way that could have been
caught but it was! Rivermen nation is screaming
its approval.
SFX: QUICKLY ESTABLISH AND SUSTAIN: CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE. UNDER TO BED.
DOUGHERTY: They are going for two points to tie the
score. The ball is snapped but Stout is buried
immediately. He is slow in getting up and the
third quarter ends with the Rivermen trailing by
two.
Beat 109) Narrators
NARRATOR ONE: But the team’s momentum faded away. The
Rivermen and Capitals traded punts and watched
the time run down. With two minutes left in the
game, the Rivermen got one last chance to win.
But they had the ball on their own one yard line.
NARRATOR TWO: They were ninety-nine yards from winning.
High above the stadium, Dana got set for one last
series of plays.
DANA: Short pass to the right.
NARRATOR ONE: Jacobs signaled the team to throw to the
right.
DANA: Another pass to the right.

Off the Pipes 105
NARRATOR TWO: Again, Jacobs signaled the team to throw to
the right.
DANA: Fake a pass to the right and throw back to the
left.
NARRATOR ONE: Jacobs signaled the fake pass right and back
to the left.
JACKSON: (BITES CUE) Oh, my. The Capitals almost
intercepted that one.
DANA: Run it up the middle and call timeout.
NARRATOR TWO: Jacobs signaled the run and quick time out.
One minute and thirty seconds were left and the
Rivermen were on the move.
DANA: Try the pass to the left. Last time was lucky.
They’re vulnerable on that side.
DOUGHERTY: (WITH EXCITEMENT) Stout’s pass is caught for
a huge gain and the Capitals look confused. Stout
brings the team to the line and throws across to
the right side and the Rivermen are in Capitals
territory with one minute and fifteen seconds
left.
JACKSON: He drops back again and this time the Capitals
swarm over him and HE FUMBLES THE BALL! Rivermen
and Capitals are scrambling for the ball and it

Off the Pipes 106
is bouncing backwards toward the Rivermen’s goal
line.
DOUGHERTY: There’s a pile of players on the Rivermen
two and no one knows who recovered the ball. If
the Capitals have it then the game is over and .
. .
JACKSON: The Rivermen have it! The Rivermen have it! But
laying face down is quarterback Randy Stout. And
on the sideline, Frank Curts begins warming up.
DOUGHERTY: Stout is conscious but he’s holding his leg.
The trainers have him on a stretcher and place
him in an ambulance. As he is carted off the
field, the fans give him a strong ovation for his
performance today and throughout the season.
JACKSON: Jacobs and Curts are talking before he comes in
and the quarterback seems confused. Jacobs
repeats his instructions and Curts trots onto the
field.
DOUGHERTY: His first pass sails high over his receiver.
He looks to pass again in the same direction but
fakes it and goes back the other way. The
Rivermen are going to pass their way to victory a
couple of yards at a time.

Off the Pipes 107
Beat 110) Narrators
NARRATOR TWO: Frank inched the team forward. Five yards,
eight yards, once ten yards at a time. But time
was slowly ticking away.
NARRATOR ONE: With eighteen seconds left, Frank tossed his
trademark high, arching pass that was caught at
midfield. Momentum was with Rivermen and he knew
the routine. His next pass would be to the end
zone. He trotted over to the sideline to get
final instructions from Coach Jacobs.
Beat 111) The play
SFX: QUICKLY UP AND SUSTAINED. WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL
FANS CHEERING. UNDER TO BED.
CURTS: Ready to win this thing, Jacobs?
JACOBS: You bet. Let’s go get a championship.
CURTS: Who am I throwing it to?
JACOBS: No one, you’re holding for Gross.
CURTS: (SHOCKED) What?
JACOBS: Field goal team, get in there.
CURTS: What kind of play is that?
JACOBS: That’s the play that was called.
CURTS: By who? I want to know who would call for a field
goal from sixty yards away.
JACOBS: The offensive coordinator.

Off the Pipes 108
CURTS: Who’s that?
Beat 112) Dana is found out!
DANA: (GRITTILY DETERMINED) I am.
CURTS: Since when does marketing call our plays?
JACOBS: She’s called plays for the last five games. She’s
also our top scout.
CURTS: (BEWILDERED) Scout? When did this happen?
DANA: A couple years ago. I wanted to coach and asked
Mr. Jacobs for a job. He said he wouldn’t hire me
unless I played professionally but he wouldn’t
hire me for that either. So I asked to scout for
the team.
JACOBS: She’s pretty good. She signed Stout and convinced
me to take on Gross.
Beat 113) Outburst
CURTS: You signed my replacement and brought back the
guy that was so stoned he missed an easy field
goal that would have won the championship.
DANA: That was sixteen years ago. He’s been clean for
the last ten.
Beat 114) He overplays his hand
CURTS: The papers said he had a hangout on Fourth Street
and he was connected to the overdose.
JACOBS: How did you know it was on Fourth Street.

Off the Pipes 109
CURTS: (NERVOUSLY) It was in the papers.
JACOBS: No Frank. The papers left the location out of the
stories. You would have to have been there to
know.
Beat 115) With Gross
GROSS: So you started those rumors about me and planted
those stories. Why?
CURTS: I didn’t want you on the team. You caused me to
lose my only chance at a championship and I
didn’t want you anywhere near the Rivermen.
JACOBS: Frank, you’re off the team.
CURTS: But . . .
JACOBS: (BITES CUE) There is no room for anyone
undermining another player or the team.
CURTS: Yes, sir.
GROSS: Mr. Jacobs, we need someone to hold for my kick.
Frank can do that.
JACOBS: Not a chance. I said . . .
GROSS: (BITES CUE) Mr. Jacobs, this is about winning the
championship. Besides, I owe him.
JACOBS: You don’t owe him a thing.
GROSS: I owe him for what I did sixteen years ago. (TO
CURTS) You ready to win this thing?
CURTS: From anywhere at anytime.

Off the Pipes 110
Beat 116) The kick . . .
SFX: UP AND ESTABLISH: WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL FANS.
UNDER TO BED.
JACKSON: It’s all riding on this kick. From sixty-two
yards away, the Rivermen are lining up for a
championship.
DOUGHERTY: Gross is in place. He nods to Curts who
calls the signals. The ball is snapped and Curts
spins the laces away from the kicker. Gross puts
swings his leg into the ball and it soars toward
the goal post.
JACKSON: It’s got the distance but it’s starting to hook
toward the goalpost and it hits the pipe – BUT
BOUNCES THROUGH. THE KICK GLANCED OF THE PIPE AND
WENT THROUGH. THE RIVERMEN ARE THE CHAMPIONS. And
they are going crazy on the field.
DOUGHERTY: Frank Curts, after sixteen years in the
Industrial Football League has won the
championship and he goes to the sideline to hug
his daughter, Dana. It is hard to imagine what
they are talking about.
Beat 117) Frank and Dana
SFX: UP AND ESTABLISH: WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL FANS.
UNDER TO BED.
Off the Pipes 111
DANA: Dad, I couldn’t be happier for you.
CURTS: Thanks, that means a lot. But it would mean more
if your Mom was here to see this.
DANA: She has her own choices to make. This is still a
time to celebrate.
CURTS: You’re right. When we’re finished, let’s have
dinner at Sotto Marie.
Beat 118) Back to Sotto Marie
MUSIC: UP AND ESTABLISH: CLASSICAL DINING MUSIC.
SFX: UP AND ESTABLISH FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT.
WAITER ONE: Mr. Frank Curts is back to celebrate his
victory with us.
ALL: QUICKLY UP AND ESTABLISH: SUSTAINED CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE. UNDER TO BED.
CURTS: Thank you so much. My daughter and I were
wondering if you might have a table where we
could have dinner.
WAITER TWO: Mr. Curts, all of Sotto Marie is for you
tonight. We have been expecting you.
CURTS: Expecting us?
DANA: Don’t look at me. I didn’t have time to plan
anything.
WAITER THREE: A friend has sent a bottle of Champagne du
Saint Therese.
Off the Pipes 112
CURTS: I haven’t finished the other one yet.
DANA: I didn’t even know you had friends.
CURTS: (DRILY) Despite the fact that you are my
daughter, I thoroughly despise you.
WAITER FOUR: It is from the lady at the corner table. She
has her back to us. We, uh, didn’t ask her name.
WAITER ONE: We weren’t sure where her ear lobes ended
and her legs began.
CURTS: Dana, do you think it’s wrong for me to introduce
myself?
DANA: Turnabout is fairplay.
Beat 119) Frank introduces himself
SFX: CURTS FOOTSTEPS. SOUNDS OF A RESTAURANT. FOTSTEPS
STOP.
CURTS: Excuse me, Miss. Thank you for the bottle of
champagne you sent me. Miss, can you hear me?
DENISE: (LAUGHS PROGRESSIVLY LOUDER) Hello, Frank.
CURTS: Denise?
DENISE: Congratulations on winning your championship.
CURTS: Thanks. It would have been better if you had been
in the stands.
DENISE: Too cold for me. I listened here.
CURTS: With Randy?

Off the Pipes 113
DENISE: With the waiters. (SERIOUSLY) I don’t know why
you play football but I know I have to support
you.
CURTS: I like competing and winning.
DENISE: Anything I can do to get you to start thinking
about winning with me again?
CURTS: I never stopped.
DENISE: Do you think we can ditch Dana and spend some
time alone?
Beat 120) Dana joins the conversation
DANA: Not even if you made me head coach of the
Rivermen. (BEAT) Mom, did Dad tell you the news?
DENISE: He won the game, of course.
DANA: He’s retiring.
CURTS: I’m re-what-ing?
DANA: Retiring as in stopping work. Effective
immediately.
DENISE: (EXCITEDLY) Oh, Frank, I’m so excited. You have
no idea of the traveling I’ve scheduled. First to
Singapore, Malaysia, and Thailand.
CURTS: I like Asian food.
DENISE: Then France and Italy.
CURTS: Bread and cheese are good.
DENISE: A month in Ireland and England.

Off the Pipes 114
CURTS: I’ll need to get a job to pay for this.
DENISE: Then two weeks of horse riding in Arizona.
CURTS: I’ll need two jobs. I wonder if the Department
store is hiring in the Men’s department.
The End

Off The Pipes

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Off The Pipes

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OFF THE PIPES

(NaPlWriMo 2009 entry)

Two Plus Plus Productions LLC

Many years later, Curts’ career is ending when he’s injured

The new quarterback rallies the team with a style of

During the championship, with the team losing, the new

But this is Curts’ last chance to win a championship and he

Narrator Two With Narrator One, advances and sets up

SFX: WALLA-WALLA TO ESTABLISH FOOTBALL STADIUM. UNDER

JACKSON: Welcome to the Industrial Football League on a

beautiful Thursday night in Roberts County. I’m

Sam Jackson along with Kate Dougherty for the

first game of the preseason. The matchup promises

to be a high-flying affair between two of the

league’s better teams.

DOUGHERTY: That’s right, Sam. Last year’s champions,

the Capitals, begin their title defense against

the Rivermen. The Rivermen just missed the

playoffs despite quarterback Frank Curts leading

the league in passing yards and touchdowns.

SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL STADIUM UP. UNDER TO BED.

JACKSON: Staying with Curts, the real story of the

preseason was the news he released just as the

Rivermen’s training camp began.

DOUGHERTY: We caught up with him after a grueling

workout earlier this week and spent a few minutes

SFX: WALLA-WALLA OF FOOTBALL STADIUM UP AND OUT.

Beat 2) Interview with Curts

DOUGHERTY: Frank, how does it feel to start your

sixteenth season with the Rivermen?

CURTS: It’s exciting to be back in camp with guys I’ve

played my entire career with. I’m looking forward

to another great season.

DOUGHERTY: Anything different about this year?

CURTS: We have some new players on the team. The

league’s gotten better than last year. And . . .

CURTS: I’ve started thinking what I might do after

DOUGHERTY: (CAUGHT OFF GUARD) You mean retire?

CURTS: Don’t get me wrong. I can still win any game at

DOUGHERTY: But retire? As in, quitting?

CURTS: It’s not quitting. It’s spending more time with

DOUGHERTY: (SEEKS CLARIFICATION) But with no football.

CURTS: (CHANGES SUBJECT) I’ve got a team meeting to get

to. (GOES OFF MIC) Maybe later . . .

DOUGHERTY: That was Frank Curts, quarterback of the

Rivermen, with the unexpected news of retiring at

the end of the season.

SFX: WALLA-WALLA TO ESTABLISH FOOTBALL STADIUM. UNDER

Beat 3) Back to stadium

JACKSON: That couldn’t have been more of a surprise, Kate.

The I-F-L without Curts wouldn’t be the same.

DOUGHERTY: We spoke a few days after the interview and

he said the league had changed in ways he didn’t

understand. Then he confirmed he was thinking of

JACKSON: The Rivermen have four preseason games, nine

regular season games, and one more if they make

the championship. That’s alot of football before

Beat 4) The game begins

DOUGHERTY: The Rivermen have already returned the

opening kickoff to their own thirty-seven

yardline. Standing in as quarterback, in his

sixteenth and possibly final season, is Frank

JACKSON: He takes the snap and fades back to throw one of