We hold these truths to be self-evident:

−− That “leftenant” is an intrinsically superior pronunciation;

−− That buttons are in all cases superior to zippers;
−− That cotton and wool are in all cases superior to artificial fab-
rics;
−− That books should be composed of pages which can be turned
rather than screens to be swiped;
−− That it is no dishonor to be termed “old-fashioned”;
−− That contemporary modes of feminine dress are to be saluted,
and those of male dress to be eyed skeptically;
−− That urban life in these United States would be much improved
by the re-introduction of horses;
−− That it was a grave error on the part of the Framers to omit
privacy from their enumerated list of natural rights;
−− That it was a yet graver error on their part to make no clear
provision eliminating chattel slavery;
−− That despite that and other errors, the founding documents of
this country are marvels of vision and endurance;
−− That this future is good and I consider myself quite privileged to
experience it.

• 105 •
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